it's weird that I feeling the feel of guilt and shame vaping weed today
even my dad think it's okay.
and my dad is awesome~!
but he has some riskier bets than I do
and I'm a risky better myself.

it's like I'm heading off in a different direction
but I'm trying to do it carefully and cautiously
hence the feeling needing a hardened shell.

i need support and love.
and honestly though
i'm getting it

there are so many of you who seem to care about me and are happy when I am happy
that makes me feel very grateful
emotional a bit

this lotad run is pretty cool.
that crew keeta seems to be in tend(s?) to work on cool things.

damn i'm stressing about my unsure punctuation there
haha, is that me caring too much, trying to put on a good face for you

it's weird writing my thoughts
but it's kinda cool

sometimes I have a thought but it feels hard to capture
and it goes by fast and then it's gone
and i try to reconstruct it but I haven't really saved it
and it comes out wrong.

i'm glad there are still cool people doing cool things
who still seem to be here, maybe close in my heart

haha, this reminds me of when i wrote a reddit comment reviewing keeta's MM 2 pause
i just got the thought to go check if it's 'keeta' or 'kaztalek' on twitter.
so i don't get it wrong.
i like to be respectful to those I care about

and there's so many that I feel I don't care about
and it's a bad thought
shouldn't I care?
I guess I do
or I wouldn't seek out all the negativity.

it's like I'm chasing after myelf, trying to save myself
defend myself
from whatever is ripping it away

but being narcissa isn't a bad thing
i feel really great about it
i still get shy, I was just out recycling and throwing out garbage
i still get shy
and I wore pants
despite wearing a lovely dress
shortly before leaving
and it makes me sad
i want to be narcissa

i'm crying right now