Thread 6: Stories 151-162

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>Spike
[Spike voicing Charity]

>Ugh, I'm getting hungry writing up these reports.

Revolver Charity is on the desk next to him.
[Darling, you should really take a break and eat something.]

>I know, but these reports aren't going to finish themselves.
He notices he's run out of ink.
>Hm, better get more ink.
Spike walks out of the room and comes back to find a ruby next to Charity.
>Wuh?

[I got you something while you were out]

>...but how? You don't have any limbs.

[Uh...magic]

>Huh...

Spike takes a bite of the Ruby and continues writing.
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"Spike"
>Charity (voiced by spike)
~~~~~
"Guns are much better than ponies."

"Charity don't you think that's true?"

>Yeah, ponies will use you, and curse you, and cheat you!

>Everyone of 'em's bad, except you!

("I'm a dragon, and AJ's fine")

>(Details, darling)

"Well, thanks, buddy."

"But ponies smell better than firearms."

"Charity dont'cha think I'm riiight?"

>That's once again true!

>For all, except you!

"You got me! Let's call it a night!"

>Good night

"Don't let the rust monsters biiite..."
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>AJ 12
"Sapphire Shores"
~~~~~~

"Absolutely not!"

>Oh, why now!? What could possibly be wrong with me! Why do I never get a chance here!

"No no, I don't mean about the job, I mean that hat. It's so tacky!"

>Oh... It was sunny out today. What's wrong with it? I like it.

"Where are the jewels?"

>What?

"How can you have a hat without at least sixteen gems adorning it! Never have I seen such a horrid display."

>You put gems on hats? Why? Wouldn't that be really uncomfortable?

"What's more important, comfort or looking good?"

>...Comfort?

"...Get out."
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>Shining Armor
"Spike"
'Poindexter'
[Chrysalis]
-18-
{42}
~~~~~~

>Really?

"She wanted to see how you 'trained' in your spare time."

>Well, at least this one hasn't propositioned me for sex.

'...Her eyes just got really shifty.'

{Ignore that!}

>You need us to bring you up to speed?

{No, I have read the logs of each journey, I know EXACTLY what you are capable of, and what you are not.}

>...That was ominous.

-Anyway, why don't we get started, right, Queeny?-

[Hhhhhaaaattte]

-Don't look so mad! You don't HAVE to play! I'm sure you'll get another chance for the spider web spindle you need to make your plus four whip another time.-

[I will betray you... after I get a drink, start without me real quick.]

"Alright, you find yourselves within a deep, dark cave."

-Use the initiative boost I leveled up last time for a bit of Shiny fun time.-

>Damn it-

{An excellent strategy! Shining Armor, have sex with her!}

-...O-oh, okay. Um, c'mere, let's try a new positio--

{Are you insane!? The enchantment stat boost works best when you know his preferences! We are NOT wasting an advanced initiative! Shining Armor, tell her what turns you on!}

>...I beg your pardon?

42 rips the figurines from 18, and shoves them in Shiny's face.

{I SAID, tell her what gets you going! We are going into battle against unspeakable forces, do you really want us to be unprepared!?}

>I guess no-

{Then you take these little figures and you are going to make some love! You are in love with her, act like it!}

>...Fine. I, uh, request that she... ugh, that she turn into a pink alicorn.

"Told you that you were going to regret putting that in your character traits."

>Shut up. And then she... she uh...

{She WHAT, Shining Armor!?}

>...She gives me a blamgbalg

{What!?}

>A blomajerb.

{Good enough!}

She takes the figures back.

>Please no, please don't make them act it out. Put the figures down.

[You heard him, 18! Get between those legs]

-Making a note about this, by the way.-

{Do I hear TALKING!? You are breaking immersion! Now ROLL!}

-What?-

{Your stat boost comes with a multiplier when he plays along, and if you roll a ten or higher with two D10's, you get an extra bonus for ALL of us! Now roll!}

-Jeeze, alright!-

{Don't fuck it up.}

-...what?-

{Your team mates are counting on you here, this bonus could mean the difference between life and death! Are you going to fuck it up?}

-W-wha-

{I SAID ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK IT UP!?}

-N-n-noooo-

{I SEE A LOT OF SHAKING! ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK IT UP!?}

-N-n-n-no! I-I won't I promise!-

{THEN STOP CRYING AND ROLL!}

-...Oh no.-

{You.}

-I-I'm sorry!-

{How could you?}

-I tried! I tried really hard!-

{Your team was counting on you, and look at them now. No stat boost for them. Their lives on the line just got a little less certain, because of you.}

-I-I-I-I'M SORRRYYYYY!-

{You let me down, 18, you let me down.}

18 tears away from the table, running off while crying her eyes out.

-I'M SOOOOOORRRRRYYYYYY!-

All is quiet, as they reflect.

At least, until Crysalis walks back in with a can of Honey Dew in her hoof.

[Sorry bout that, had to get a drink. I miss anything?... What?]
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>Cadence
"Shining Armor"

Cadence wakes Shining up and levitates a tray.
>Hi honey, I made you pancakes.
Shining stares at what's on the plate.
"...but these are crab cakes"
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>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘Luna’
-Chrysalis-
[Cadance]
{Fluttershy}
~~~~~~

>Alright, Iffin' ya'll don't-

-Do we ever do girl talk?-

>...Beggin' yer' pardon?

-All of us, here, we're all girls right? Why do we never do girl talk?-

>These are official meetin's! They are here so we can discuss what is goin' on in the kingdom!

-So then why would Cadence be here? She's foreign royalty.-

>BECAUSE... hrm, wait a minute...

-...you were just hoping 18 would come and solve some problems, weren't you?-

>...What did ya'll wanna talk about?

-Luna! Any crushes?-

'What? We shattered a floor tile with our landing once, does that count? ... the diet is not going well, for the curious.'

-Fluttershy!-

{I will tell Discord on you.}

"...Wow, look at her shake."

-...Applejack?-

>That ain't none of yer' business.

-Eeesh, so cold. Cadence?-

[You can't be serious.]

-I'm not saying anyone you'd cheat on Shining Armor with, you ninny. I'm asking about the "Celebrity exception."-

[The... the what?]

{The Celebrity Exception. It's a term used to describe the one celebrity a married couple agrees they could sleep with and it wouldn't be cheating.}

'Thine term originated in the heartwrenching epic, "She had my back, now I have hers!" Specifically the sequel "SHMBNIHR 2: still got her back"! We were moved to tears."

-Although the actual trope was apparent in "Not a decent Proposal 3:Actually this proposal is pretty decent", another grand epic in the quintrilogy. It just wasn't named before there.-

"...You all need to get out of the house more."

[Oh! That! Oh yeah, we joked about that FOREVER ago. We did come to a mutual conclusion though, there IS one pony either of us could sleep with and it would be totally fine.]

-Well, don't keep us in suspense!-

'We can barely contain ourselves!'

{*Whispering* C'mon, validate it, validate iiiiit!}

[Oh, I don't know, it's a little embarrassing, and like I said we weren't totally serious.]

-Just say it already!-

[Oooh, fine! Celestia!]

"Yes?"

[...]

"...Oh."

There was a long, long silence after that.

A silence that died a very violent death when Celestia lost what little composure she had, and broke down into the loudest, hardest laughter anyone had ever heard in their lives.

"HAHAHAHAHAH T-T-THAT'S BRILLIANT! BRIIIILIANT!"

[Shiny thought so.]

"HOOF BUMP ME! HOOF IT RIGHT HERE! YOU BRILLIANT MARE! AHAHAHAHAH! AAAHHAHAHAHAHHA!"

>Chrysalis? Ya' alright? Yer' face is kind of implodin'.

-...Fine that is a little clever. I'm not bitter. Nope. Not bitter.-

>Stop breakin' mah table.

{Drat.}

'We do not get it.'

"O-O-OH SWEET MERCY I CAN'T FEEL MY SIDES!"
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>AJ 10
"AJ 12"
~~~~

>12! I need your help!

"Oh god, what did you set on fire now?"

>The dumpster, but that's unrelated! I'm searching... for a stripper!

"...That's low, 10. Even 29 didn't go that low."

>What? Dunno what you mean, but some Changeling is turning into Cadence and stripping, and I've gotta find them!

"What do you need me for?"

>Turns out, reporters are supposed to have someone hold the camera. I was WAY behind on that one.

"...So, why you? Why not the guards?"

>Because, 12... Sometime, some crimes, go slipping through the cracks.

"So we two, gumshoes, are picking up the slack?"

>There's no case too big!

"Cause this case is small"

>Shiny chose to call-

"T-t-ten and twelve!"

>News reporters!

"T-t-ten and twelve!"

>Find the stranger!

"You know it'll fail cause we're involved."

>But maybe just this once gets solved!

"T-t-ten and Twelve!"

>News reporters!

"T-T-TEN AND TWELVE! YEAH!"

>...So what the heck just happened?

"I don't know, but I'm considering throwing this camera at you and running, screaming obscenities about demons as I go."

>I don't blame you.
~~~~~~~~

Yes, that's the Chip and Dale theme song.
I am so sorry.
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>SA
"Cadence"
'42'
~~~~~~

>Why.

"Because that's what the recipe called for!"

>Where. You find me on this box right now where it says it needed that.

"See! Right there!"

>That's the name of the cake, sweetie, not an ingredient. It's to describe texture, not content.

"...I have made a terrible mistake."

>Yeah, you did. I'd say "Thank god 42 is willing to bury the body and not ask any questions" but you know what? That would be inappropriate, I feel.

'What kind of soil do you bury an Angel in anyway?'
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>SA
"Cadence"
~~~~~~

"Sweetie! I finally made a cake just right!"

>That's great, Cadence! What did you make!

"Some delicious Burnt cake!"

>...You mean Bundt cake?

"...Shit."
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>SA
"Cadence"
'???'
~~~~~~

>What the hell?

"I needed ingredients!"

>...C-Cadence? Baby? Lovey bunch? Put the cleaver down.

"We don't have enough in the fridge! I just need a little bit!"

>It's just a nickname, Cadence, it's not fact.

"...Oh, so her legs aren't really-"

'YOU CRAZY BITCH! UNTIE ME!'
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>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘Twilight’
-Chrysalis-
{Fluttershy}
[Rainbow Dash]
________

>Ah’m warnin’ ya, Celly….

“Warn until your throat bleeds apples, it’s MINE until you give me back my cake budget!”

>Yer’ cake budget was bankruptin’ not only Canterlot but the entirety of Equestria! Gimme back mah bracelet!

“You’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hooves!”

>GLADLY!

A seismic boom went off in the royal chambers as the two crown wearing princesses collided with all the force of a cannon.

Hearing the sound of what could pass for a full-blown war, Twilight approached the room, surprised to see others gathered just outside.

‘Hey, you guys, what’s going on in… what in the buck are those two doing?’

-Beating the tar out of each other by the looks of it. Want some popcorn?-

[Over here, bugbutt.]

{M-me too, please.}

‘What, and you’re not stopping them?’

[Eh, you wanna get in the middle of that and lose some teeth, be our guest.]

{This popcorn is burnt…}

-Yeah, tasty isn’t it?-

‘Well, what are they fighting about?’

-Sunbutt took applebutt’s bracelet in exchange for a higher cake budget. Wanna places bets?-

{My tongue ith numb….}

[Fifty on AJ. That hoof to Celly’s jaw looks like it cracked something.]

‘We should be stopping them! Not placing bets!’

{Hundwed on Cwestuh.}

‘Fluttershy!’

-That’s what I’m talking about! And- oooh, applebutt takes a kick to the hip! But she’s coming back, folks! She really wants that bracelet!-

‘...fine, fine! Seventy on Applejack….’

{Thish ishn’t buttuh. Ish it?}

-Nope!-
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>SA
"AJ2"
'Chrysalis'
-AJ18-
[Cadence]
{42}
~~~~~

>Honestly, I don't know why I bother.

"Cause yer' Shiny, and if you don't herd us in we're all gonna cause chaos and bring destruction upon Equestira?"

>...I hate it when you do that.

'Okay, I've got it. We play spin the bottle! But, oh no! No bottle! Shiny, could you go remedy that?'

-Why would I want to play spin the bottle? I don't want to kiss any of you except Shiny... well, and maybe if I was a little sloshed...-

[Oh yes, what a riveting game! I might get to kiss my husband, a giant bug monster queen who kidnapped me, an attempted seducer of said husband, or AJ 2! Because that wouldn't leave any weird psychological impact.]

{...Uh, you uh, skipped-}

'It was just a way to get a bottle of wine up to the table, Jeez!'

>I said no wine.

'TYRANT!'

>Okay, so, before our food gets here, I'll want to go over how we are supposed to do this. This is a salad fork. You use it for-

'Ceaser salad?'

>-...Sure, it works for that.

'I don't like Ceasar Salad.'

>There will be other salads to eat from.

'Can I use the same fork?'

>Yes-

'What about her fork?'

{I need this!}

'Just asking.'

>It's rude to steal cutlery.

'And?'

>...Where is the food anyway?

[It'll be here soon. The little oven should ding when it's done. I made sure everything went off without a hitch!]

>...Oh sweet merciful Celestia in Canterlot, no.

'Y-you didn't!'

-WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEE!-

{SCREW THIS, I'M OUT!}

"Yay! I like running too!"

As one, they all tore off through the door, through the window, through the wall, and calmly out one of the previous holes in that order. They did not stop running until they were sure they were safe, so most of them made it to Canterlot.

Seconds after their departure, the server pony walked in with his perfect looking salad, noticed everyone was gone, and then left.

Really, he should have thanked Cadence for paying them extra and checking on the food, but maybe later. It seemed she was busy
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