Blazing Fluffies

>Be an old western rail tycoon
>Also, a dick
>Want to expand a rail line, but have hit quicksand on the path
>The new proposed path looks good
>Except for the fucking TOWN in the way
>You decide on a cunning plan to rid the town of any and all who live there
>Kill the sheriff, and replace him with someone so incompetent that the townsfolk will HAVE to leave
>Look out among your slaves, working to lay your tracks, and wonder:
"Where can I find such a man...?"
>"Wails heavy! Fwuffy no wike..."
>*KRAK*
>"Owwies! No wip fwuffy! Fwuffy sowwy!"
"... Bingo."

SO BEGINS THE TALE OF "BLAZING FLUFFIES"
THEME MUSIC
OPENING CREDITS
FUCKIN' DRAMATIC CAMERA PANS
ETC.

>Be a fluffy named Bart
>A very hot, tired, SORE fluffy named Bart
>You spend all day draging things around for humans
>You work with other humans that are called "niguws"
>Don't know what it means, but it sounds mean
>You look around and see the big boss come over to you
>"You, fluffy! Come with me."
"Bawt go wif Heddy?"
>"It's HEDLEY! Hedley Lamarr! Stupid fluffy piece of..."
"Fwuffy be stoopid, but yoo stiww named afta giwl."
>You recieve a quick boot up the rump for your smart-arsery
>You conveniently land in the foreman's office
>"I have a job for you, little fluffy. But first, I must give you a test."
"Bawt no wike sounda dat."
>"Shaddup and hold still."
>Hedley bops you on the head with his pen
"OWWIE! Why huwt Bawt?!"
>"Now, quickly, taste this margerine!"
>Hedley stuffs margerine in your mouth
>Pretty tasty stuff
"Nummies!"
>"Now, can you tell the difference?"
>... Wait, what did he say?
>Uh-oh, humans hate it when you don't know things
>Better say something, quick!
".... No?"
>"Excellent! You can't tell the difference between a lump on the head and margerine. You're just the fluffy I'm looking for!"
>... Humans are silly.

"Bawt do good?"
>"Yes, you did very well. In fact, I'm going to reward you."
>The lady-name human sticks a velcro star on your side and gives you a tiny hat
>"Congratulations, you're a sheriff!"
"Yay! Bawt shewiff! Bawt shewiff!... Wat shewiff, Heddy?"
>"Hedley! And a Sheriff keeps the peace in a town. He rights wrongs, punishes evil-doers, gives peace a chance, and saves the whales!"
>You think about this
>Not the whales part, you don't quite understand that
>But the righting wrongs part
"So... Bawt gif big ouchies to meanies?"
>"If all else fails, yes."
"Bawt wike bein shewiff."
>"Of course you do. Well, off you go now, your town needs sheriffing! BOYS!"
>Two big humans come in and grab you under each foreleg
"Put Bawt down! No wike big hoomans! Bawt shewiff, gif big ouchies to dum hoomans!"
>They put you on a cart which then speeds away
>The other fluffies and the "niguws" wave goodbye to you
>As you leave, they fluffies turn and speak to one another
>"Dis seem wike bad Mew Bwooks pawody..."
>An overseer hears this
>"Bad fluffies! No breaking the forth wall!"
>Fluffy beatings ensue

>Still be Bart, a fluffy pony, now sheriff
>Still kinda unsure as to what you'll be doing
>But hey, you get to ride a cart
>That's pretty sweet
"Bawt go wide!"
>"Shaddup back there, varmint!"
"Fwuffy name no vawmin'... Fwuffy name Bawt!"
>"Fluffy's name could be Kunta Kinte fur all Ah care."
>The cart driver's friend is named Taggart
>He's what the niguws would call a "A-grade douchebag"
>Called him that once, got hit
>Haven't cared to do it again

>Be Taggart
>Have to look after whatever the boss tells you to
>For now, it's a Goddamn fluffy he's made sheriff of Rock Ridge
>He could'a just had you rape, kill, and pillage everything in the town rather than go to such lengths
>But hell, then we'd have no story, would we?
>You finally reach Rock Ridge
"Ok yah little fluffy bastard, End o' the line!"
>"Bawt hewe?"
>The little furball looks around while you look him over
>A black fluffy with a brown mane, a tiny hat and a star velcro-ed to his side
>Just what this place needed, a fluffy nigger.
"That's right, now get the hell offa mah cart, yah idjit!"
>Dump the fluffy unceremoniously into the dirt and ride off
>Here a tiny squeaky voice call after you
>"Bye bye dooshbag!"
>Fucking fluffy nigger...

>Be Bart again
>Have a mouthful of dirt and big-horse poopies
"Mouf no taste pwetty..."
>You want to cry, but you don't
>You're a sheriff now
>Sheriff's don't cry!
>... You think
>Must look that up
>Head over to a big place with a picture of a drink on it
>Maybe they have water to wash your mouth!
>As you enter, everyone turns to look at you
>In unison, they all start screaming and shouting
>"A fucking FLUFFY?!"
>"THAT'S our new sheriff?!"
>"FUCK-KNUCKLE SHITTING TIT-ARSE"
>So many bad words!
"Bawt no wike bad wowds! No make bad wowds!"
>One man walks over to you
>"Whutcha gonna do, little shit? You ain't no sheriff, yer just a fluffy nigger!"
"Bawt IS shewiff! Bawt pwove it, make big owwies on meany man!"

>The man just laughs at you
>"Yer gonna gimme "Big Owwies"? Yeah right! Say "Hi" to mah boot, fluffy!"
>He tries to step on you
>Little does he know that carrying rails and doing labour has made you a speedy friend!
>You bolt under him as he raises his leg, knocking him off balance
>You, lacking any proper motor control to go with your speed, run into a wall, bounce off and land, unharmed, in the piano
>The bad man falls onto a loose floorboard, which launches the spittoon into the air
>Spittoon lands in the lap of the most heavily armed Mexican in the place
>Said Mexican starts mouthing off in Spic-enese, before shooting his bang-stick at everyone he can
>Everyone shoots their bang-sticks back
>You climb out of the piano and start to run at the ugly man who wanted to smoosh you
>Or you would have, until you feel a hand grab you and carry you out of the bar
>"C'mon little fluffy, let's get you outta here..."
"Wet Bawt go! Bawt giff big owwies to ugwy man!"
>Your protestations go unheeded as this new human carries you away

>This new human carries you to a big place with a star on it
>Hey, that looks like the star that Hedy put on your side!
>Small world, huh?
>The human sets you down on the floor and looks at you
>"What're you doin', huh? A sheriff doesn't pick fights, he keeps the peace."
>Aw, you did bad?
"Bawt sowwy... Bawt no good shewiff yet. No be mad at Bawt, pweese!"
>"Ah ain't mad, little guy. Just settin' yah straight. This town ain't the best place for fluffies, let alone a fluffy of yer... colour."
"Bawt is niguw fwuffy!"
>You're happy about that
>Niguws are funny, fluffies are funny, so you must be SUPER funny!
>"... Yeah, sure, whatever. But don't you know? This is the town with the most cross burnings, sorry sticks, burning sorry sticks, sorry crosses and hot-cross buns in the whole Current West!"
"Cuwwent West...? Dun yoo mean Owd West?"
>"I know what I said."
>This human is sure smart
>"I know, I'm a clever guy."
"How'd hooman heaw...?"
>"Never mind all that, now the script calls for exposition!"

>You listen as this mysterious human tells you a few tricks to survive in this fluffy-hating god-fearing town
>The human the vanishes back, back into the ether from whence the plot demanded him
>You don't know how you learned all those big words, but they sound smart
>You waddle around your new office and look at things
>You start singing a little song you learned from your friends
"We biwt dis city... We biwt dis city on wock an' woww..."
>"Stawship no sownd pwetty! Stoopid fwuffy sing nu song!"
>You turn to see who is speaking to you...

-------------

>"Yeah, we're going to have to stop you RIGHT there, Mister Brooks."
"Wassa Matter?"

>Be Mel Brooks
>Be pitching your latest genius script to some Hollywood 'Big-Shots'
>They don't seem pleased
>"Mel, it's not that we don't like your script... I mean, you're a genius. But... Remaking 'Blazing Saddles' with fluffy ponies just seems like pandering to this Biotoy craze."
"Whaddya tawking about? Dis stuff is gold! Fluffies are cahmedy gold-mines!"
>"No, they're pastel-coloured vermin with a penchant for spaghetti."
>"Fwuffy haf sketties?"
"Quiet, Marshall..."
>"We think your new Fluffy Agent is tampering with your otherwise solid writing. I'm sorry Mr Brooks, but 'Blazing Fluffies' will NEVER be a motion picture."
"Ah, ta hell wid alla yahs!"
>You pick up your agent from his water dish and storm out of there
>Once in your car, you and Marshall discuss what went wrong
"Don' lissen to 'em, Marshall. 'Blazin' Fluffies' is pure gold."
>"Dem smucks no no good fiwm if it bit dem!"
"You said a mouthfull, buddy..."

FIN