I’m sending this message to help myself, to read it or not is your choice Thea.
It’s been a month... And I for some reason am not able to let go, I want to let go...and you’ve been on my mind day and night. So I decided to send you one last message, letting everything out before I set my hurting soul free from your grasp. I still to this day question how easy was it for you to back off and chuck me out like that and don’t get me wrong, I hold no grudges but it just makes me wonder if whatever you’ve told me were they even the truth since I’m sure as hell that it’s not easy to back off from something you claim to love so much. I’m not here to tell you to come back but maybe I’m just still looking for answers that I’ll never get. You said that I should be free and happy but guess what, I’m free but happy? I don’t know. You’ve taken a lot away from me when you left; my happiness, my heart, my trust in people, etc. I want them back. I want my heart back.
I know you won’t bother replying and to be honest I am not expecting you to reply. We’ve had good times and bad times and I’ll agree with you now that yeah, we were toxic for each other. Looking back at it now, I see where things were toxic for either of us. Heck we were toxic for each other even before dating. It was a shame that I still stuck around and let it all happen. A part of me wants you back but then again there’s another part of me that’s telling me it’s not worth it because of how little value you showed to me before chucking me out like that. I do love you still, I think but here’s good news, my hate towards you is slowly taking over that bullshit thing called love. I love you for showing me that I’m worth something even though you might’ve said those words just to fool me but I’ll take it anyways. I love you for showing me care. I love you for making me happy even though we had our ups and downs.
I really did love you for who you are and not for what you had in your pants, yet you decided to lie to me and I let it slip by even though I hate lies and people who lied. It’s quite bizarre how I’ve let that chain of lies you told me slip by like that, guess I was blinded by love and now I know why they say love is blind but now love doesn’t exist in my books anymore because it’s just a bunch of bullshit. I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I hate you for making me a fool and to believe that I too belong somewhere and that someone would love me back. I hate you for chucking me away and throwing our investment away like that as if it didn’t matter shit. I hate for all those times where you made me feel like I am at peace with you. I hate you for all the pain I’m in right now because of that one dick move you made.
To be honest it was a really pussy move of yours. Thought you were better than that, guess you’re not all glorious and all that as you claim to be. You’re just the others to be honest, nothing different. I’m not here to make you feel like shit and to be honest I wouldn’t even apologize if you did because at this point I’m growing numb and I don’t think I’d even flinch. However, thank you for all the good times we had and thank you for showing me how “love” only looks good in books and movies and that it’s not something as beautiful as people claim it to be. You’ve really fucked me up real good so feel free to take up all the credit. God bless your future wife/husband because boy they’re in for a ride.
Take care,
Kash