It's Not Easy Being Pink (Full)

>Day Hardboiled Noir Film Recognition on Earth
>Be Anon

	It was a typical day, at least, as typical as it gets here in Yonkers. I was minding my nose as I tapped aimlessly on a website. Thread by thread, I went through the content. Slack-jawed trolls, inept artists, and those filthy hippies who dodge taxes. They were the worst offenders of them all. I was interrupted for a moment and stopped scrolling to see an image calling out to me. A small duck, "they" call them "ducklings", was being swept away by an unseen gust of wind. I chuckled as I often do in the face of this cruel, twisted world. Ducks are for hippies and ponds, I thought. My door burst open and a young filly stood across from me. Of all the investigation offices she could have walked into, she walked into mine. I knew from the smell of candy and gunpowder that she was here on business.
	"Detective Anon!" the curly-haired dame exclaimed, "It's awful, it's terrible, it's... it's just the worst!"
	I could see she was overcome with emotion, as ponies are wont to do, "Slow down and tell me... what is bothering you?"
	"It's my bakery!" she continued yelling at pointblank range, "Some goons are threatening me. They say if I don't pay'em, I'll be baking with the fishes!"
	I never cared for baked goods or fish for that matter. Still, I could not let some ugly mugs cause petty arson and threaten ponies in my town.
	"Tell me your name" I said as smoothly as I could, "And I'll see what I can do"
	The little filly bounced around my desk, "My name's Pinkamena Diane Pie. I run the bakery over on New Mane Street."
	"You're not involved with the three mooks who are bothering you, right?" I pressed her for an answer.
	She turned her nose up and batted her eyes, "Why, detective, I would never be friends with such mean-meanie-mean-faces."
	I could tell she was telling me the truth by her use of such language. I grabbed my note pad and started getting the straight facts. I made a column beside it for crooked facts and margin notes. This filly could talk and, before I realized, I had written out six pages of names, birth dates and party plans she kept in her personal circle of friends. "Friends", the word made my blood run cold. Even so long after the hippy invasion was curved, we still used the phrase. With this filly, any one of these contacts could be secretly plotting against her. Just like New Hampshire and Leipzig, I imagined. Pinkamena stopped speaking long enough for me to tell her I was on the case.
	"Just lay low" I turned my collar up even though it wasn't raining, "I'll find these three... and bring them to justice."
	Pinkamena sprang to her heels, "Oh, thank you, Anon! I knew coming to you was a good idea!"
The cotton-candy pony skipped from my office. The air smelled of sugar and cheap, plastic gag toys. I knew where I was heading, the criminals wouldn't smell as nice. Criminals, almost as unwashed as hippies... almost.
	It was half-past the last time I checked my watch when I arrived at the docks to meet her. While she was a good contact for criminal activity in the area, she was always horrible at making dinner arrangements. I hate fish and she knew it would make our meeting brief. A creep around the docks asked me for some change. Yeah, "change", couldn't we all use a little? Suddenly, she was standing there by our table. Her mane was long and curled at the edges. Her eye-shadow accented her dress perfectly in the dim lighting. Almost too perfectly.
	"Detective Anonymous, we meet again" she grinned with her wicked marshmallow mouth.
	"Save it, toots, we know what this is really about" I scowled.
	"Toots?" she said bewildered, "Address me as the lady I am or you'll be leaving this case rather cold."
	I hated when I needed help, "Lady Rarity, lovely to see you this evening."
	"There, was that so hard?" Rarity mocked.
	I grimaced, "It was harder than being rude... you know I'm too hardboiled for these pleasantries. Now, do you have the goods?"
	Rarity presented a small folder from her dress and tucked it back between her gown, "Did you fulfill your end of the deal?"
	I brandished a large, white diamond. I have these things laying all around my office, it was an odd request. I never look a horse's gift in the mouth though, all information is good.
	"Oh, Anon, you do know how to treat a lady!" Rarity approached with the documents.
	The exchange went well, despite the smell of fish permeating my trench coat. I looked over my information to find that a new group of mobsters had moved into the city. I blamed the hippies for allowing low-income housing and free library memberships. They called themselves the, "Legion of Donuts". Not exactly catchy, but I am sure copyrighting permits are filling up with new organization names everyday. I at least had a solid lead from this information and decided it was time to get detective-brand tough.
	I followed some rookies I had been following for a previously unrelated case. This guy was just really easy to shadow. I heard him discussing something about joining a new evil society of bakers. The pieces were falling into place now. Trailing them a bit longer took me the an entrance to their hideout. The building was massive and was strategically guarded by a large, angry man at the front door. Clever, but I bet they never thought of someone coming in from the roof.
After trying to climb the building for a for minutes, I gave up and realized that spider who had bit me early was not radioactive. Incredible superpowers aside, I was determined on gaining entry to this den of devils. I drew my press-on moustache from my coat and got into character.
	"Hello, sir" I said to the guard, "I would like to join your fine establishment of "bakers" and such fellows who "bake" things."
	The guard looked at me with scrutinizing eyes, "Do you have a recommendation from the school?"
	"Why yes, my good man" I said quickly, "Let me just retrieve it from my car."
	I ran around the opposite side of the building. Easily fooled guards are a breeze for me. After all, I don't even drive! If he couldn't see through my little ruse, then this masterfully crafted recommendation would get me in with ease. I returned to the guard, walking boldly to show I was not a spy.
	"Here you are, my gentle-sir" I handed him my ticket.
	He looked it over once, then to me, "This isn't a recommendation. It's written in blue crayon."
	"I do apologize, sir, but my school was low on funding and could not afford green and red crayons as well" I was sweating bullets at this point.
The guard raised an eye-brow at me, "Oh, well, sorry. I know how rough school can be these days. Please, go on it inside."
	Anon, you clever scamp, you. I thought I should treat myself to some ice-cream once this case was solved. I entered the building to see a very sophisticated looking workshop. Trying to hide all the illegal dough they had was not my concern. I was here to deal with their policy on extortion. I grabbed a nearby worker and pressed his body against a nearby mixer.
	"W-who are you" he shook with fright.
	"Not important" I held him tightly down, "What is important is you tell me where your boss is."
	"B-b-boss?" the man stuttered.
	"Yeah, so don't get cute with me and start singing" I narrowed my eyes.
	The man looked up nervously, "I don't have a boss, t-this is a school for bakers."
	I could see that playing the "good" cop wasn't going to work here. I flipped a switch on the mixer and saw its beaters spring to life.
	"Frosting, eh?" I said with a smirk, "Would be a shame if something happened to it."
	"W-what are you doing?" the man watched the beaters whirl.
	I slowly moved his head towards the mixing bowl, "Tell me where your underground hive is so I can take out your boss and save the town."
	"Y-you're crazy! There's no underground hive of bakers! This is a school!"
	I knew it wouldn't be easy, "You leave me no choice then..."
	I pressed another button and the beaters spun faster and faster.
	"NO!" shouted the worker, "If you overbeat the frosting, it'll crack and flake from the cakes!"
	"Then you better talk fast!" I yelled at him.
	Sweat was building on his brow and he looked around in confusion, "OK! The boss is downstairs! He's at the very bottom floor! There's an elevator switch behind a poster on the wall over there! Just please, stop beating the frosting!"
	I killed the power on the mixer. Nothing like a good beating to get the information you want. I followed the directions of the worker-mook and headed over to the wall. Sure enough, there was a secret switch which lead to a secret elevator. I proceeded to the last floor I could via elevator and stepped out into an odd warehouse. After some time skulking around, I came upon a door that read, "Employees Only". Clearly, these thugs were crafty. I entered the room to find a shipping bay that met up with the dockyard. It all started to make sense.
	"You there! Pick up the pace!" a worker yelled, "You know she wants all this flour out by morning!"
	"I know, I know. Yeesh, you would think a chef of her status would just send things by truck."
	A slap rang out in the warehouse, "You know she doesn't trust wheels, dumb-dumb."
	"Oww, alright, boss, I got it!"
	The gears in my head started turning from this cheap slapstick. Who was this mysterious "she" and what did she have against wheels? Well, it was time to find out who was running this operation. I sneaked around a bit before coming upon another door. It was a nice door, with gold trimming and a plate glass  square in the center. I took note that it was a swing door. This wasn't the work of somebody... no, this was the work of somepony! My epiphany did not get too much celebration before a unicorn came out of the room. She stood before me with her chef hat and apron smartly parted.
	"Who dares interrupt the great and powerful chef Trixie!" the unicorn posed for dramatic effect.
	I clapped slowly for a moment, "Bravo, Trixie, but I found you out before you could hurt anyone else. Unless you are currently hurting someone, I can't stop that at this current time."
	Trixie looked back at me with apprehension, "What are you talking about? The great and powerful chef Trixie hasn't hurt anyone."
	"Save it for the courts, doll-face. We both know you are guilty" I smiled and produced my hand-cuffs.
	Trixie backed away slowly, "Guilty? Me? I haven't done anything to anypony!"
	"Come off it" I said as grammatically as possible, "We both know you are running an undercover organization of evil and trying to monopolize all the baking in this city and maybe even the entire world. We both know you had to take out the competition, make it look like an accident so no one would get wise to your plan. Well, the jig is up!"
	I imagined I sounded pretty handsome during that exposition.
	"You crazy fool! Trixie has been running her bakery under fair market practices since it began! Trixie has even invented a gluten-free, butter-free, peanut-free super dough for delicious muffins that anypony can eat regardless of allergies!"
	"Oh yeah?" I wasn't having that sob story, "Then how do you explain the underground factory filled with hundreds of workers?"
	"You just did" Trixie smiled.
	"Oh, yeah, ok, well! How about the weird shipping using only boats?" I had her now.
	"The great and powerful chef Trixie doesn't trust wheels..." she claimed.
	I put my hand-cuffs away... for the moment, "So, I am confused now. If you didn't threaten Pinkie Pie, who did?"
	"Threaten Pinkie? No, I don't even associate with her. What makes you think I, the great and powerful chef Trixie, would try to ruin her store?"
	"Well, I got this intelligence on this place that you were having an, "Evil Baker" day and assumed this was your headquarters for corruptions."
	Trixie assured me that I was delusional and looking for someone else. I hate to admit it, but she must have used hippy-magic to dissuade me from arresting her and I fell for it. I left through the shipping port and stood on the docks.
	The moon was out already and the stars shined in the sky. I felt small and helpless, like a daffodil crying for its mother. If I couldn't bring this case to light, if I couldn't help Pinkamena, then I would have failed my Private Investigator's oath. No, I won't let that happen. I could never fail the client. I shouted to the heavens so they would know that not even divine intervention would stop me in my dismal time. It was time to pay Pinkie a visit.
	The next morning, after a quick jog and a hot-dog with extra mayo, I stopped in to Pinkie's bakery. The door swung open as I entered, but no one was working from what I could see.
	"Hello there, Pinkamena!" I shouted, "I just came by to see what you're up to!"
	There was no response. I worried that I was too late, that perhaps something terrible had happened. I walked around the counter and entered the kitchen. Flour was poured across a table, dishes were in the sink, and a stove nearby was still hot. All these clues lead me to one belief. Pinkie Pie had been pony-napped by the three thugs and was now a prisoner. This theory didn't hold as much water as Pinkie Pie walked back into the building.
	"Oh, hi, Anon!" she blasted, "How are you?"
	I stumbled from around the counter, "Oh, I am fine, Pinkie... where were you?"
	"I was dropping off cupcakes across the street for the foals at the daycare" she bounced.
	"I see, Pinkamena, I have bad news" I frowned.
She listened very well, for the first time, as I told her all the grueling work I had done thus far with no real outcome.
	"Oh my, Anon, I am sorry this is so hard" she frowned with me, "But, maybe if you just wait here until about two o'clock, you can catch the bullies yourself?"
	Wait, what? That was such a genius idea that I hardly believe Pinkie came up with it. I looked at my watch to find it still not having batteries. I really need to fix this thing someday. A clock on the all rang out two chimes. The timing couldn't be better if some godlike being was writing this while I spoke! The three perpetrators I have heard so much about fumbled into the bakery. It was a fairly ordinary looking bunch with two humans and one pegasus making up the group. The pegasus was wearing a fedora, but I think that was not as menacing as she might have thought.
	"Hey, Pinkamena" the pegasus began, "Do you have the dough for today? I can't keep "protecting" your shop from "unforeseen" acts of "nature" if you don't pay up."
	The two humans cracked their knuckles and laughed at the gross amount of air quotes the pegasus was doing. I instantly recognized the pegasus from a file I received earlier in the week about a pegasus who was committing petty theft in the area. As you may have figured, I don't tackle petty cases of theft, so I threw that file away.
	"Rainbow Dash" I started, "Or do you still go by the "Candy Kid", you criminal?"
	Rainbow Dash laughed, causing a chain reaction of half-laughter in her goons, "Detective Anon, don't you remember the courts cleared my case on account of your poor investigating skills and lack of hard evidence?"
	"Remember?" my eyes were misty, "How could I forget my back-story and my heart wrenching tale of what made me a hardboiled private investigator?"
	"You always were a softy. I am here entirely on legitimate business" Rainbow Dash smirked and licked her lips.
	"Extortion is still illegal in this state, last I checked!" I announced proudly, "If you don't leave this bakery alone, I'll be forced to file a restraining order!"
	Rainbow grit her teeth, "I won't have you meddle in my affairs anymore! Butch, Cud! Make sure this guy doesn't interrupt another cupcake score on our turf."
	I watched the two minions approach me from either side. What they didn't know, however, is that I was a four-time world champion golden-gloves boxers. I threw a hard right at one and connected with his jaw. He went down like a sack of imitation prop rocks. The other goon was faster. He swung and hit my side. I stifled a girlish scream in the presence of so many... girls. I was practiced at being hit by now. I weakly punched into the gut of the mook as he came around me. It was far from effective. He laughed for a moment before a cake hit his face. Pinkie was behind me now, lobbing small cakes at the assailants.
	"I fight for my friends!" Pinkie yelled between blows.
	I smiled at her for a moment. In all the chaos we were causing, the local police were called in to assess what was happening in the bakery. It was at this time that I knew my work was done and that Pinkamena would be safe from the dastardly Candy Kid forever more.

>Be Pinkie Pie
PP: Oh, that was a good story, Anon! I liked the part when you pretended to be a private investigator
>Anon sure does tell funny stories
>Even if they have no base in reality
>You hear a ding from the kitchen
PP: Oh! My cupcakes are done~!
A: Oh boy!
>Anon hops to his feet and you both prance to the kitchen
PP: Careful, they're hot
>Grab the pan carefully with your mouth
PP: Ohhh~, look how pretty they turned out. You are so nice for getting me cake mix!
A: Any time, Pinkie, anytime
>Anon rummages through the refrigerator
A: And I saved the best for last...
>Anon cackles a little
>You look up from your cupcakes
PP: Oh?
>Anon places a large pitcher on the table
PP: O~h my gosh, is that...?
A: You bet your tail it is!
PP+A: Chocolate milk with squiggly straws!
>You hug Anon
PP: Oh, Anon, you're every girl's dream
>Anon suddenly has a trench coat on and lowers his voice to sound gruff
A: I know it, toots
>You exchange looks for a minute
>You both burst into laughing
PP: Anon *snort* you're ridiculous!
A: No you!
PP+A: Hahahahaha!
>I am gonna have so much fun having a sleepover with Anon
>I wonder what we'll do tomorrow!?

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>Day Anon's Closet on Earth
>Be Pinkie Pie
>Anon is out of the house
>He has asked you to stay inside until the time is just right
>You don't know when it will be just right
>You watch television while sipping a fizzy drink Anon calls, "Coke"
>This recipe will make Sugarcube Corner real popular back home
>You sip through your squiggly straw while a cartoon plays
>It's not a great cartoon and hardly holds your attention
>Your stomach growls
PP: Oh, hello, stomach! What's that? You're hungry? Well, lets get you a snack!
>You hop to your hooves and trot happily to the kitchen
>You spring from your heels to the counter top and open some cabinets
>You contemplate the practical applications of Anon's height and his bipedal nature and think the cabinets are perfect for him...
>Oh~, chocolate chip cookies!
>You grab this bag and happily trot back to the couch
>You open the bag and dump the entirety of it's contents  into your mouth
>A big chew and a hard swallow is it all takes to muscle through the chocolaty-goodness
>You sip from the Coke again
>The bubbles tickle your throat and makes you laugh
>You roll over on your back and look at the world upside-down
>Upside-down is a silly word
>You kick off the couch with your back hooves and perform a small cartwheel
PP: Ta~da!
>You announce to nop0ny in particular
PP: I bet Anon will be back soon
>You sit in front of the door for a moment
>This is soooo boring
PP: I bet Anon will be home soon... bu~t, I bet he has cool stuff in his room
>You bounce over to his room and push the door open
>Your eyes take in everything
>White walls, bed in center of room, shutters drawn, the air is cool and still
>You walk in cautiously
>This is Anon's most sacred of sacred places!
>You sniff at the air and can almost smell Anon all over
>You gaze at his big bed
PP: Now why didn't Anon let me sleep in here with him last night? I mean, this bed is huge!
>You press it with a hoof
>The mattress is super soft!
>A wicked idea forms in your mind
>Just one bounce, Anon will never know!
>You hop up to Anon's bed and walk to the middle
>You make a small jump and spring up and down a few times
>Clapping your hooves, you try again
>You spring and bounce like a trampoline super star
>When you're done, Anon's bed is a mess
>You will fix it before you leave
>No sense in fixing it now in case you want to bounce a few more times later
>You walk over to a small drawer
>Opening it, you find some of Anon's clothing
>You raise a small pair of white undergarments that are speckled with red polka-dots
>A small hole is cut into the front
>You understand exactly what this slit is for and you grin
PP: Clever humans, you made pony clothes before I ever got here!
>You quickly slide on the underwear and let your tail push through the hole
>Perfect fit!
>You trot around with your new pants on
PP: Fancy pants! Fancy pants! I got fancy pants~!
>You walk over to another drawer
>Rummaging around, you find a small golden locket in its own bed of silk
>The shiny thing is so out of place
>You pick it up carefully and open it up
>You see a human with curly, red hair smiling inside the locket
>Who is she? Why didn't Anon tell you about his other friends?
>A lot of questions race through your mind
>You push them aside and rest the locket in its bed again
PP: I bet Anon will like some cupcakes when he comes home...
>No, you KNOW Anon will LOVE some cupcakes when he comes home
>You quickly gallop from his room to the kitchen
>All you gotta find is cup of flour, add it to the mix... then something sweet...
>Apples are sweet!
>Apple cupcakes
>Ohh~! Vanilla bean!
>You mix up your batter real well
>Mix-a, mix-a, mix-a!
PP: I hope Anon brings home frosting
>You pop in the cupcakes and set the oven
PP: I don't care for this part
>You sit on your hunches and sigh
>Baking is so fun, but the "baking" is so boring
>You resolve to watch some television
>Humans are on a game show now...
Host: Next question... at what temperature does water boil?
PP: Oh~! Oh~! 212 degrees! Or 100 degrees... it depends where you are in Equestria
>The human answers incorrect
>Silly head
Host: Next question... what is the process of removing water from sugars know as?
PP: Cara-mel-eye-zay-shun!
>You squeal at the funny word
>Again, the human fails the question
>You place your hooves on the television screen and nuzzle at the human
PP: Don't worry. As long as you had fun, it's not all bad!
>You pull your face off the television and the human smiles
>You guess she heard you all the way over there
>You spring to your hooves
>Cupcakes are nearly done
PP: Come out, my little pretties~!
>You place the hot tray on the counter to cool
>Anon will be so happy!
>You hear a knock at the door
>Oh goodie, company!
>You rush to the door and open it
PP: Welcome home, Anon!
>Standing before you is a girl human with straight, black hair
>She just stands there for a moment
PP: Oh, sorry, I thought you were Anon. Hehehe
>The human's face curls up into a mix of fear and excitement
>You think you broke her
PP: Uh, miss... you OK?
>She nods and clutches a book to her stomach
PP: Oh, well, good. If Anon knew I was talking to you, he'd be real upset~! Oh gosh, but I am talking to you now and Anon's not here, but when he gets here you can bet he'll tell me, oh boy, will he, he'll tell me, "Pinkie Pie, you can't be talking to other humans blah blah blah dissections and laboratories blah blah blah" and then I'll just keep nodding and nodding and he'll get bored and we'll make cupcakes, but, oh my gosh~! I already made cupcakes!
>You pop up behind the girl and push her in quickly
>The door slams shut and a wide grin spreads across your face
PP: Oh, yeah, my name's Pinkie Pie, but everyp0ny calls me, "Pinkie"
>The girl stumbles over a few words
>She is noticeably shaken
PP: Oh, how rude, you came all this way for Anon, right?
>She nods, never taking her eyes off you
PP: Oh, he's buying stuff right now. I think he'll be back soon though
>You hold a hoof to your chin and think hard
>Nothing~!
PP: Well, why we wait. Would you like a cupcake? Baked 'em myself!
>The girl has no time to answer
>You are a pink blur as you set her up a cupcake and a glass of milk
PP: Go on, it won't bite!
>The girl sits and takes a small bite
>He eyes light up
Girl: Oh, this is good. Thank you... Pinkie?
PP: You said my name!
>The girl chuckles nervously
Girl: Oh, this book is for Anon. He lent it to me a while ago. I forgot I had it
PP: Oh, what's it about?
Girl: Well, it's a story of sorts... a romance novel
PP: Oh~! Romance stories! My friend Rarity likes those things a lot
Girl: Oh? Is... are there more of you around here?
PP: Nope, I am only here, all my other friends are back home
Girl: Where is "home?"
PP: Equestria, silly! My, my, Anon wasn't wrong when he said other humans would be hard to talk to. Oh wait, what's your name?
Maria: My name's Maria
PP: Oh, that's pretty. Like your mane!
>You point to Maria's straight and shiny mane
Maria: Why, thank you, Pinkie Pie. I just straightened it this morning. And I really like... your mane?
PP: You do? Oh, that's so nice. Anon likes my mane like this too. Oh, oh~! But, sometimes, I do this...
>You take a deep breath and exhale quickly
>Your mane goes silky straight
>You giggle and snort a bit
PP: Cool, huh?
M: What are you even?
PP: A pony, duh!
>You stick your tongue out innocently
M: Right... if you say so...
PP: I do!
>You excited mood puffs your mane back into a curly forest
>You giggle again
>The door bursts open abruptly
A: Pin~kie! I'm ho~me! I had the strangest urge to stop and buy frosting earlier and I...
>Anon has a few bags in his hand
>He drops everything when he sees Maria
A: What are you doing here!? How'd you get in!?
M: Pinkie let me in
A: You... met... Pinkie?
>You wave to Anon
A: Pinkie... Pinkie Pie... did this human touch you inappropriately or call anyone on the phone?
PP: Hmmm... nope! We did share mane styles though
A: Oh, excellent, I am glad... Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to fetch some rope and chloroform
M: Anon, do not be so rash. A lady knows how to keep a secret. I will not fault you for living with another woman
A: I am not living with another woman, you don't know me, Pinkie is a pony... it's totally not like that
M: Oh, Anon, dear, I know how you are with all pretty faces
A: So yeah, getting that rope...
>Anon walks to his bedroom and then stamps back out
A: Pinkie Pie... did you go in my room?
>Opps
PP: Uh... oh yeah, I forgot to clean up when I was done...
>You giggle nervously
A: And why are you wearing my boxers?
PP: I thought they were for me? Why else would they have a tail-hole if humans don't have tails?
A: Your logic is flawless, my pink friend. And you, Maria... why do you show up now? Did you just think I'll be here for you whenever you decide that you need a shoulder to...
>Maria holds up the book
M: I had meant to return this to you last week
A: I forgot I had that. You can keep it
>Maria looks sternly at Anon
M: Is it not you who explicitly said that I must return it?
A: That was like three years ago. I'm surprised you remember
M: What, you were only out for three days?
A: Years, days, it gets messy between dimensions and realities. I'll explain later
PP: Oh, wait, Anon! Before you go on... wanna cupcake?
>Anon holds a firm face while he looks at you
>You hope he is not too upset
>With a flash of green and black, Anon produces the jar of frosting and is sitting beside you
A: Oh, Pinkie, you look so cute in those boxer shorts. Can you frost a cupcake for me? I love how smooth you do it
>Anon loves your cupcakes
>Your heart beats hard knowing he's not mad with you
>You could just explode, but first, frosting!
A: Pinkie, I don't know how you make these delicious beasts. I could never cook this well
PP: I'll make you more whenever you want, Anon!
>Anon furiously eats the cupcake you finish frosting
>He smiles and gives a small burp
M: Manners, Anon! Say, "Excuse me" when you burp like that
A: Pfft, it's a compliment in Ponyville and China or whatever
>You pass a little time with Maria and Anon
>You speak of yourself and friends, of Anon and adventures
>Before you know, the sun is setting
M: Well, this has been... strange
A: Ponies grow on you once you get over the obvious problems... like they are talking animals
M: And you lived in their world for three years?
A: Give or take. It sure wasn't easy. They don't even have the internet invented yet
>Maria looks at Anon with scorn
M: I am sure -that- was your biggest problem
A: The biggest problem, for sure, was avoiding FlutterBiscuit. That girl's head isn't screwed on tight enough
PP: Oh, Anon, she just had a little crush on you! She told me all about it one day
>Anon physically shakes
A: No person or pony would believe the trials she put me through. She's pretty much psychotic around me...
M: Anon, always the lady's man. When you're not fumbling over your own tie
A: Hey! So I need your help one time! One time!
M: There's no helping you, darling. You're as naive as you are cute
>With that, Maria gets up and takes her leave
>When she exits, the apartment is quiet again
PP: Hey, Anon?
A: Yeah?
PP: You did like spending time with everyp0ny, didn't ya?
A: Of course I did... I mean, I would still like to. Are you getting home sick?
PP: Not really, no. I mean, I am sure my friends miss me a super-duper lot, but I know they'd be doing everything they could to get me back
A: I expected the same
PP: Why, I bet Twilight will show up here any day now and tell me it's time to come home. Oh, and you can come back with me and I'll back a super-duper-welcome-back-to-Equestria-Anon cake to celebrate!
>Anon pets your mane down your back
A: I'd love that, Pinkie. I really would
>Your heart thumps up
>You want to bake for Anon forever
PP: Your bed is really soft, Anon. I should sleep with you tonight instead of on the couch!
>Anon stops for a moment
>He speaks slowly and clearly
A: We can try it out... no funny business though
>You nod and smile
>What funny business could you get up to in your sleep?
PP: Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!
>Anon smiles
>You promise yourself to always make Anon smile

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>Night of the Commercialized Zombie Marathon on Earth
>Be Pinkie Pie
>You have been sleeping beside Anon for the last few nights now
>It has taken the cold chill out of sleeping alone
>Anon is like the bestest friend you've ever had
>When he's not making you laugh, he's playing games with you
>When he's away, he always comes back with more excitement than before
>You've never met anyp0ny like him and you've had conflicting new feelings
>Sure, you are friends... but, could Anon be your special friend?
>You image Twilight in your head to try and give you advice
>She is always so good with advice!
Twilight Sparkle Voice: Well, Pinkie Pie. If I didn't know any better, but of course I do, I would say you are in love with Anon
PP: Ohh, no, I can't be in love! I don't know how to be!
TSV: Oh, Pinkie, it's easy. Just do what you always do and bake him cupcakes
PP: I do that already! I sing and dance and even make up silly stories with him too!
TSV: Oh my, already at second base?
PP: I know we rushed into story telling, but I just felt ready. Anon makes me feel so happy I could just explode!
TSV: Did you tell him that you're just ready to explode? I am sure that'll help him reciprocate his feelings
>Your eyes light up
PP: You're right, Twilight! I need to get Anon reciprocating immediately!
TSV: Pinkie... that word just means to return the gesture
PP: Oh, Twilight, we don't have a jester
>Twilight's voice sighs with you
TSV: Pinkie, if you wanted to imagine me just to play this game with puns...
PP: Oh, sorry, Twilight. I understand. I'll take it seriously
TSV: Thank you. Now, as I was saying... Anon just needs to know how you feel about him
PP: OK, Twilight! I will give it my best!
>You hoof-pump the air with renewed vigor
>Anon walks in behind you and sees you cheering
A: Oh, hey, what's going on?
PP: Anon, I have something to tell you!
A: Cool, go on?
>He looks into your eyes
>You become trapped in his gaze
PP: Anon, you are my bestest friend
A: You're my best friend too, Pinkz
>You wave your hooves in the air
PP: No, no, I love you!
A: Aww, I love you too
>Anon lifts you up and hugs your body tightly
>You let out a little giggle
>NO! This is serious!
>Being this close, you feel his heart beat
>Bom, Bom... poum, poum
>The rhythm almost makes you sleepy
PP: It's true, Anon! I think you're really special
>You smile widely and look up at Anon
>He looks down to you and smiles back
A: Of course, you're special to me too
>You think he's gonna tell you he loves you now!
>Oh, oh! So excited! So nervous! But, so excited!
>Anon puts you down and reveals a small, plastic box
A: As I promised, movie night!
>Oh yeah! Anon said we'd watch a movie and eat popcorn and I could have a Coke again!
>Oh, I love that stuff almost as much as Applejack's apple cider!
>Anon turns on the TV and turns on the movie
>You see the title sequence read out, "Avatar"
A: I haven't seen this, although I heard good things about it
>Anon reclines on the couch and you cuddle up against his chest
>You rest the popcorn on the floor and place a long silly-straw into the glass bottle of Coke
>Now you can sip without getting up from your comfy position!
>Over the course of the movie, you find your mind wandering
>Did Anon say he loved you back?
>Why do humans just attack these cat-humans?
>Why are they blue?
>So much puzzlement for one night
A: Hey, Pinkie... are you still awake?
PP: Sure am. Why? Are you sleepy?
A: Nope, not at all. Do you like this movie so far?
PP: It's kind of sad. The cat-humans should have just thrown a big party for the regular humans so they could get to know each other better
>Anon strokes your mane and belly tenderly
A: Oh, Pinkie... you would make a fine ambassador
>You don't know what that means, but if Anon says it then you'd gladly try
PP: Hey, Anon?
A: Yes?
PP: Do you think that ladybugs have spots because bees already had stripes?
>Anon ponders deeply for a moment
>He rubs a hand under your chin and down your neck
A: Those are questions only the greatest minds of the future could answer
>You nod and let Anon pet you
>You love how human hands can pet and scratch and rub
>You look at the screen for a moment
>The regular human is laying on the ground while the cat-human is holding him
Human: I see you
Cat-Human: I see you
>You think they may have been playing a human version of Hide-and-Seek
>You worry you may not have paid much attention to the movie
>Anon's hand caresses the inner side of your ear
>Oh, you love that feeling so much!
>You leg twitches
>Twitch-a, twitch, twitchy!
PP: Ah, Anon! It's so funny feeling!
>You giggle a little and he follows along
A: I love how soft you are. I could pet you for hours without a care
>You wouldn't mind one little bit
PP: Hey, Anon. I wanna give you a present
A: Ooh, what is it?
PP: A surprise present. You have to close your eyes
>You cover Anon's face with your hooves
A: OK, they're closed. Now what?
PP: Now you get your surprise, silly!
>You lean in gently and give Anon a peck on his mouth
>Blush plays across your already pink face as you giggle
>Anon's eyes pop open rather quickly
A: Did you just... kiss me?
>Haha, you suppose you did!
PP: Just a little one! Did you like your present?
A: I... I think I did
>Anon's face looks a little shocked
>Maybe you overdid it?
>Anon's hands seem to hold you a little closer now
>Your hips feel so secure in his grip
A: Pinkie... can I ask for another one?
PP: You don't have to ask, silly
>You are so good at love-business!
>You wrap your arms around Anon's neck this time and peck a few times
>Anon pulls you in close to his mouth and really lays a wet-one on you
>Oh, this is different!
>Anon's tongue is in your mouth
>The feeling makes your muzzle tingle straight to your brain
>You breath hard through your nose
>Anon ends his extra-special kiss with you
PP: Oh~, Anon... that's... that's very special
A: Sorry, if I went a little overboard on that one. I just felt like you'd enjoy it
>You can still feel the tingling sensation in your whole face
PP: I did! It's just... nop0ny ever put their whole tongue in my mouth before
A: I had no idea. Are you really new to that kind of thing?
PP: Not "new", Anon... I am just... not really experienced to love-business. I use to see Mr. Cake kiss like that though!
>You think of all the times you saw Mr. Cake and Mrs. Cake kissing so roughly
>It was like they were trying to eat each other
>You also think that the last time you saw them kissing so much, Mrs. Cake had two new foals
>You cover your mouth with your hooves and gasp
PP: Anon! We can't do this! I'm not ready to be a momma!
A: Whoa, slow down, Pinkie. I am not trying to do anything to you
PP: But, you just kissed me like the Cakes kissed before they had foals. I'm not going to get pregnant from this... will I?
>Anon looks at you and his eyes start to water
>He takes you in a big hug and laughs
A: Don't worry, Pinkie. You'll never have foals if we just kiss
>Anon's laughing makes you laugh
>What a silly thing you just said
>Everyp0ny knows the stork would have to deliver first and shipping takes a long time!
PP: So, if those kinds of kisses don't make foals... can you do it again?
>You smile bashfully
>Anon nods and you bring your lips in quickly
>This time, you are determined on using your own tongue
>You quickly match with Anon's and wrestle him playfully
>On your first try, you manage to take control in Anon's mouth
>You attribute such success to having a tongue much, much longer than his
>Anon doesn't seem to mind though
>He even looks like he's enjoying this
>This kiss lasts a little longer than the first and you break apart with a popping noise
PP: Oh, that was really fun!
>Anon wipes away some of your drool
A: Wow, your tongue's incredible. Though I suppose my pony-kissing experiences are pretty limited. Still, wow!
>Two "wow's" from Anon. That's like... double-wow!
>You feel proud to get such a reaction out of him
A: I don't usually do this, but I have to ask... what brought on the sudden urge to kiss me?
PP: I was half thinking about you and half watching this movie. The kiss just looked like something fun we could be doing too!
>Anon nods and smiles
A: I can't say I didn't like it
PP: I -loved- it! You taste like popcorn and soda pop
>Anon strokes your mane and you wiggle your hips real close to him
>Something pokes into your little flank
PP: Oh, sorry, I didn't know you had your phone in your pocket
>Anon looks a little flustered
>You feel his cool body radiating its chill a little harder than usual
PP: Can you move it? I want to snuggle real close
>Anon blushes a bit
>What's the matter with him?
PP: Anon, are you feeling alright?
>You push the object with your flank a few more times before Anon grabs your waist
A: T-take it easy, Pinkie
PP: I won't break your phone. Promise
A: It's, uh... it's not a phone
PP: Huh? What else could be in your pocket?
>Anon doesn't seem to talk and acts very strangely for a moment
>Well, now you're too curious to just lay there
>You hop up and quickly tap at whatever Anon is trying to hide
PP: Is it a kazoo? A mini-trumpet? A stick?
>Anon rolls his body around and completely blocks you from poking him
A: It's... nothing! Just, uh... nothing. I think I am going to bed
PP: Okie-dokie-lokie! I guess I could take a nap this early. Oh, when we wake up, can we make pancakes? No, no! Waffles!
A: Yes... whatever you want
>Anon seems very distant for some reason
>You hope kissing him so hard didn't hurt his feelings
>Anon leaves the couch and quickly changes into his bed clothes
>You wait for him to get comfortable before crawling in beside him
PP: Hehe, I love your bed, Anon. So soft... the pillows are so fluffy. Do you want to know what the best part of your bed it though?
>Anon looks to you for the answer
PP: It's that you're in your bed~!
>You give Anon a small peck on his neck and another on his mouth
>His flat lips press against your muzzle and you smile
>Anon really is amazing and you are thrilled that he loves you
PP: I am glad we kissed tonight. Does it mean you like me as much as a special somep0ny?
>You wiggle your whole body as close to Anon as physically possible
>Now face to face, Anon's breath is blowing lightly on your neck
>You sigh happily and stare into his face
A: Pinkie... how much do you know about... having a special someone?
PP: Oh, not much actually. I know about kissing and petting and story telling
>Anon looks slightly confused about the last part
A: Do you know -anything- else that couples do?
PP: Oh, sure! They see movies, go out to eat, read books together, play games, share cupcakes... lots of stuff!
A: I see...
>Anon's face is overcome with disappointment
>No! You promised to make him smile always!
PP: Anon, what's wrong? What's bothering you?
A: Nothing... you are really lovely, Pinkie
PP: Something's on your mind. Just tell me! I can keep a secret safe. Promise!
>Anon looks around and finally focuses on you
A: Pinkie... I, uh... how do I say this?
>Anon thinks for a long while
>Finally, he takes your hoof in his hand and pulls it along
>You feel something poke into your hoof
>But, Anon is not wearing all his clothes in bed
>That... means... it's... his
PP: Oh my gosh! Anon!
>You pull your hoof in closely
>You can't believe Anon just did that!
PP: W-what was that all about, Anon?
>He looks at you with worry in his eyes
A: That's my problem, Pinkie
>He seems kind of sad
>Maybe you overacted?
PP: I'm sorry... it was just... I never -touched- a stallion's... thing before
A: The kissing really got me going... I am sorry if you aren't ready for anything like this
>Your mind screams at the words
>You -are- ready to be Anon's special somep0ny and you're gonna prove it!
PP: No, I didn't mean that your thingy is bad! It's perfect, in fact!
>You cover it with a hoof and move your body closer
PP: I heard things before... like this... I know I could do -this- kind of thing
A: You don't have to stress it. We can just take it slow and focus on kissing?
>You know that Anon would not be completely happy with that
>His doodle is poking into your hoof now
>It's really soft and round and you start getting curious what it might look like
PP: I want to look at it, please?
>Anon stares for a minute before pulling his pants down a little
>Out springs a hard, human thingy
>It's not so scary when you get to see it!
>You poke it back and see it bounce left and right
PP: ~Boop!
>You giggle hard
>Anon doesn't look as amused
PP: I've seen stallion thingies before... they're kind of different looking
>You bounce lil' Anon between your two hooves
>This is kind of fun!
>Anon is wait patiently for something and you stare into his eyes
PP: So... I want to be the bestest special somep0ny I can be... what do I do next?
>You look at Anon with a little puzzlement and smile
>He turns his head in embarrassment
A: Pinkie, this feels weird
PP: Is it my hooves?
A: Uh, yes... but, no. I... I didn't know you were new to this kind of thing... to sex
>Oh-my-gosh! Anon said that word!
>You feel your cheeks burning and you cover your mouth
A: I am sorry, Pinkie... do you want to just go to bed?
>You aren't even tired
>No! You are a big pony! You can do this no matter how embarrassing!
PP: Anon, I want to be your special somep0ny... I wanna do everything for you! But... most important, I wanna make you smile
>Anon's mouth curls at the edges
A: Pinkie, you always make me smile! We don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with
>Anon leans in close and kisses your forehead
>He is so incredible to you
>You pull yourself close to Anon and hug him tightly
>His thingy pokes your belly and pulsates
A: Ha... sorry. Its got a mind of its own
PP: Silly, Anon, that was on purpose!
>You continue to push your belly into him
A: That might, ooh~, not be the best idea
PP: If it's for Anon, it's exactly what I want
>You close your eyes and rub closely
>You feel Anon's hands circle you hips and he helps you along
>This building feeling is amazing
>Nop0ny has ever made you so happy
>Even your little filly parts feel happy to do this
>In fact... they feel very different
PP: H-hey, Anon? I think... my body is... starting to like this too~
>With a practiced grace, Anon takes your flank in either hand
>You hump rhythmically as his squeezing fingers
>Without much warning from Anon, one hand slips between your legs
>You push so hard when his cold hand finds your little box
PP: Anon~!
>His smooth fingers seem to rub all over
>You drool and rock in his expert hands
>A toothy smile plays across Anon's face as your head spins
>He brings his wicked fangs to your muzzle and kisses you deeply
>By Celestia!
>You hope she doesn't hear you swearing to her in such a compromising position
>Your skin is overloading like you just drank ten Cokes
>All too soon, you feel the finale approach
PP: Oh~, Anon~, i-it's... aah~
>You little flank tenses and you can't see straight
>That was... really, really, really fun!
PP: Anon! You are so good at this... sex, so good at sex
>Anon smirks
A: That isn't sex, Pinkie... that's called, "foreplay"
PP: Oh? If that was so fun, what's "afterplay" like?
>Anon shakes his head and holds you tightly
>You simply melt in his arms
>S~o happy~
>An idea forms in your head
>You think of things Rarity had told you about dating... especially the steamy things
>This is the perfect time to try them!
PP: OK, Anon! Lay down so I can do something to you now!
>Anon looks a little surprised, but does as he's told
>Now's your chance to shine
>You hope Anon likes this kind of weird stuff
PP: OK... h-here I go!
>You lay on Anon's side and put his thingy close to your muzzle
>You smell Anon, but it just smells like Anon... which is good anyways
>Carefully, you bring your tongue to him and give him a short lick
>Hehe, this is so weird, but fun!
>You do it again and again until you hear an approving sound from Anon
>You're a natural!
>You make a bold move and put Anon's thingy in your mouth
>He trembles and bounces a little as you use your tongue to "kiss" him
PP: Oh, Pinkie... that's just perfect...
>Anon likes it!
>You double your efforts in an effort to double his pleasure
>You push down quickly and take as much of him in as possible
>A few of your teeth rub closely to his maleness
A: C-careful... teeth!
>You open your mouth wider to accommodate as more and more of Anon is buried in your muzzle
>You are so nervous that your tummy is bubbly
>You slide up and off Anon and smile at him
PP: Was that a good job?
A: Oh, yes... so good...
PP: How do I know when you feel really, really good?
A: I promise you'll know
>You trust Anon in this and go back to your lewd kissing
>Anon's noises make you so happy as you suck
>It's really no different than drinking a thick milkshake and you -love- milkshakes
>A little while passes and Anon is laying completely flat as you work your magic
>You feel his leg twitch for the first time as he trusts against you lightly
A: Oh~, so close... ah~!
>Close to what?
>You find out in an instant as something pours into your throat
>Did Anon just pee on you!?
>You pull away with sticky, warm gunk in your mouth
>Anon's thingy spits another glob of it on your nose and over your lips
PP: Anon! That wasn't very nice
A: That was... fantastic...
>He lays there with a big, dopey grin
PP: This doesn't smell like pee... what was that?
>You swallow and try to taste carefully
>Protein... sugars... trace amounts of other elements?
A: That's a juicy reward for doing a good job. Hehe, stallion crème
PP: Are you suppose to eat it?
A: Only if you want to... as long as it comes out of me, I don't care what happens to it
>Anon is panting lightly
>All in all, that was pretty fun
>You lay on Anon's belly and analyze his thingy for a while
PP: So, how long does it take to go down?
A: A few minutes
PP: Does it hurt?
A: Not at all. It's only painful if left hard for too long
>You take notes now
PP: Did it really feel good in my mouth?
A: Oh yes, so good...
>Anon grins again
>You really did it!
PP: So was that sex?
A: Not quite. It's one type of sex
>You gasp
PP: There's more?
A: A lot more... I am not sure if even I know it all
>I bet Twilight would have a book on this kind of thing... or at least Rarity would!
>As your mind wanders, Anon seems to have grabbed your flank
PP: Oh... hello there, hands~
A: Would you like to have a little more fun before bed?
PP: Anon, do you even have to ask about -fun-?
A: I like that answer!
>Anon drags you up his body by your flank
PP: Silly, my mouth is this way!
>He chuckles and you feel it rumble into your chest
>You giggle in return
>You are cut short as you feel Anon kissing your... backside?
>Oh my, you just know this will be strange
>You can feel Anon breathing closely to your hot rump and his cold breath cools you nicely
>Without much warning, Anon is tongue-kissing your most sensitive parts
PP: Aah~, aah~, cold!
>Anon cups your rump in both hands and draws you in
>This feeling is even better than his hands!
>You spread your legs a little wider and he buries more of his amazing tongue in you
>Why are you just learning about this fun thing now?!
>Anon makes such vulgar sounds on you
>Slurping and licking, he sounds like he's eating a bowl of ice-cream
>You really don't care to worry so much, this feeling is celestial
>Within minutes, you feel that tense feeling in your legs and rub your backside against Anon
>Here... it... comes!
>The lights flicker for a moment and a huge surge of power echoes through the apartment
>The whole room shakes back and forth
>This must be sex!
PP: Oh, Anon~... that was the most super-stupendous, extra-terrific sex ever!
>You look over your shoulder to see Anon's face covered in your wet juices
>You giggle a little as he licks his face
PP: A juicy reward, huh~?
A: It's like bubblegum...
>Anon licks from the source again
A: You taste wonderful
>You feel him cleaning your messy flank
>Oh~, if he keeps that up, you might just make another mess
>You giggle softly and let him have his fun
>A voice suddenly catches your attention
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie Pie! Thank Celestia I found you, I... oh come on... again?
>You look to her with blush on your face
>Anon's head peers over your flank as his tongue quickly retreats into his mouth
TS: Every time I hop into another dimension, I find Anon having sex with one of you. What is wrong with you ponies!?
PP: But it's fun!
>Anon nods in agreement
TS: Look, there's not much time. Get dressed because we have to go
PP: I don't want to leave Anon
>You hold Anon's legs tightly and pout
TS: Don't worry, he's coming with us for this. -It's- happening
A: Excuse me... but, what is happening?
TS: The possible anhilation of both Equestria and Earth. I've gathered the other Anon's and everyp0ny I could find. You were the last two I needed and... Anon! Focus!
>Anon pulls his tongue away from your flank again
>Twilight is really rude today
TS: This is -serious-! I can't keep this portal open forever or they'll find it!
A: Who will?
TS: I'll tell you on the way. Come on!
>You see Twilight gallop off into the living room
A: She seems worked up... we should at least humor her
>Anon and you hop off the bed
>He is dressed in a flash and you both round the corner
>Before you stands Twilight Sparkle and a large, glowing rift that seems to be pulling space in around the edges
>It pulses with a soft, purple glow and hums loudly
TS: Just step through! It will take us to Canterlot! The rest of the group is waiting there!
>You see Twilight rush into the portal and look to Anon
PP: Oh, this looks fun! I bet this'll be a great adventure!
A: Certainly looks that way, Panko...
PP: Last one in is a rotten cupcake!
>You start charging in with Anon
>You can't wait to see your friends again and go on another epic adventure with everyp0ny!
>Maybe you can even show off your special somep0ny!
>Won't it be exciting!?