jokes 032315

Jokes 3/23/15

I was bird watching the other day, but then the mother bird returned to the nest and sent me home without paying me, after I watched her birds all day. And birds wake up early, if you didn’t know. So I took up a new hobby, bird punching; much more rewarding.

I started buying liquid hand soap for the restroom at my apartment. Apparently the bar soap closes at 3 AM.

 I started learning magic, but like, magic for the lay man. I do stuff like make my car keys disappear or make pizza disappear. I mostly just know how to make stuff disappear. I know that’s a low bar I’m setting for what can be considered magic, but when somebody puts a basketball in a hoop in Orlando, they call it Magic. Basketball isn’t magic; it can be explained with science and rational thought, so when the traffic light turns green right when I say “go!” that’s fucking magic! I don’t know if Washington ever plays Orlando, but I do think it would be awesome to see Wizards vs. Magic. Give those warlocks a taste of their own medicine. Basketball; what else is stupid?

Oh yeah.

People always joke about how when you take a shower in prison, it is dangerous to drop the soap. But what they don’t tell you is that it’s just as dangerous to drop a loofa. I don't know why people are so fixated on the soap; the end result is the same. I don’t get the whole prison shower thing because having sex in the shower is uncomfortable and awkward. We’re also going to assume that one of the guys is not into it at all and then add the fact that all of this is taking place in front of other people. Yeah no thanks! I’ll just keep obeying the law, thank you very much. Well most of the law; I’m still going to do drugs and download movies, sorry. I’ll most likely pair those two up. Smoke some weed and watch some illegally obtained media files.

They used to run these anti-piracy ads at movie theaters that would say things like, “would you steal a car? Would you steal a boat? Then why would you steal a movie?” But the thing is, if I could steal a car and then the person I stole the car from still somehow had their car as well. I would totally steal a car!

The only way I would quit pirating movies would be if I literally had to be a pirate in order to steal movies. Not just because it would be really dangerous for such a minimal payoff, but because I just pirated a copy of Pirates of the Caribbean, and I don’t own a blouse and I don’t have the patience required to apply that much eye liner and mascara. I wouldn’t want free movies if it meant I had to dress really silly and ride in a boat. It would be cool to dual some British dudes, but I can do that without being a pirate. I can just talk to some old English punks about how awful the Sex Pistols were. “Draw your sword, you chav!”



I was raised Catholic, so as a kid I attributed things like my conscience and my intuition as evidence of a divine presence, but when I was like 11 or 12, I started to steadily turn into an atheist. So I would sit alone in my room and say things out loud like, “I would trade my soul to Satan if I could be the best guitar player in the world.” Or more simply, I’d say things like, “God doesn’t exist.” I would get this little rush from saying these things, because I wasn’t totally Atheist yet. Unfortunately my disbelief is now deeply rooted so I don’t get that little rush anymore… so if anybody has any other ideas we should hang out later. As a basis for comparison, try to suggest an activity that provides the same rush as defying an almighty deity, other than crystal meth.

I recently met a guy who proclaimed to be both an environmentalist and a republican. It was interesting meeting an oxymoron. He drove a prius with a confederate flag decal printed on the rear windshield, and a bumper sticker that said, “Recycle, you black faggots.” Meeting this guy was like being at a Starbucks and overhearing someone say, “I actually don’t care for Jon Stewart.” It was like something that doesn’t happen.

I was arguing with a friend on AOL instant messenger, so this must have been like 46 years ago now, and I called him out on being racist and he replied, “I can’t be racist; I’m gay lololol.” Laughing out loud out loud out loud. Ignoring that part, why does he think being gay prevents him from being racist? Is it because black guys are inherently more attractive than white guys, so by being gay you have no choice but to like black men? While that may be true, you can totally blow somebody without actually liking them. People do that all of the time. Also has he not realized that some black people are homophobic? For all he knows, the black dudes he hooks up with could be homophobic. Which means when they 69, they’re forming the most intolerant yin-yang in the world. Do you think bros would be less likely to get a yin-yang tattoo if they thought of the yin-yang as a homophobic black guy 69ing with a racist white guy? Or maybe they all secretly realize that, and the tattoo is a way to symbolically express their acceptance without their buddies calling them gaywads. It’s like the tattoo form of “no homo.”

I’m not selfish, but I think it would have been awesome if Jesus had been crucified and resurrected several more times, just so I could have more days off at work. Yeah this would mean Jesus would have had to be tortured and killed a few more times but come on, you’d think he’d just take one for the team. It is the one thing he’s famous for, you’d think he’d want to do it a few times for good measure…to get a point across, you know?

When you’re a kid, a lot of the things you do for fun also doubled as being educational, like building blocks, or fitting cubes and spheres into correspondingly shaped holes. Now if I learn something while having fun I just get kind of angry. Like it snuck up on me. And I’m just like, “fuck I what did I just have to forget in order to learn that Amy Poehler was in the movie Deuce Bigalow Male Gigalow.” When I watch a documentary now, I can feel some other documentary I saw once just slipping away. Maybe this only applies to other pot smokers.



One time a black friend of mine thought I was racist because she overheard me saying to another friend that I was in a clan, and she took it to mean I was saying I was in the KKK. But I meant that I was in a clan on an online video game, but I didn’t explain it to her because I didn’t want her to think I was a fucking nerd.

I recently did the math, and in the year 2013, the total cost of the all the weed I smoked added up to more than my net income for that year. It would appear as though I somehow earned money by smoking pot, which isn’t an attribute I thought I had, because despite being white and curly headed, I am not Seth Rogen. I’m just hoping there isn’t some trap lord somewhere to whom I owe money. I am so not equipped to deal with that. I used to sell acid, but I’m a laid back guy, and also not incredibly brave as an individual so basically I wasn’t cut out for the drug game. There were a couple of times where guys ripped me off and I was just like, “oh well. I guess that’s what happens to me.” There's one guy who owes me money for 250 hits and we still talk on a regular basis. And I never bring that shit up.

I've decided that I want my obituary to read "he died doing what he loved." Now I just need to learn to love drowning and then forget how to swim.