Dead Dreams

Wave to the camera on my computer, smile and say cheese!
But I was always crazy. If you look back hard
You'll find the signs when I was a baby, passing
Time by filling VCRs with every change-piece I'd
find and tossing things out of windows daily. If I
remember childhood, it's only vaguely; Pac-Man noise,
wrestling episodes and VAC-Man toys. Games
that would've made other parents backhand boys, coupled with
shows dope enough to fill a crackhead void. Living
life in fiction, lost in a world of older
heroes and villains until TV time was over.
Remember drugs at youth and the numbness to the odors
The defunct programming plan of parenthood without the blessing of both coders
Left with wounds that never healed but closed over
Yet split apart as I grow older. Hazy
years in school, full of ostracization.
Low bars set and lower toleration
For dreams too big and goals with too many complications.
Raised up rough, but tried to stay thankful I wasn't Haitian
Or living in a bombed out desert nation
Where American troops spread their nationalization
With bullets and guns and explosive detonation.
Peace will come in time. Have to be patient.
Younger years on medication. Had my
first adult dose of amphetamines when I was younger than
children in shows about education. Then my first
panic attack...came with hallucinations. Parents
in rehab. Had to see them in visitation. The man
my mom fucked couldn't be bothered to see the patient
kid. Had to wait for him. Every time he
never walked through the door, I lost a day for him.
Middle school was heaven. High school was hell.
No more interest. Life doomed to fail.
Sobriety...turned to bias against the
A