Repent and Ask Forgiveness

I get a lot of born again Christians coming up to me, wanting to talk to me about Jesus. Hey, I respect them. They’re doing something they believe in, unlike the rest of you here who just wanted a socially acceptable environment to drink in and lay the groundwork for trying to get laid.

Anyway, I’ll humor them when they come up to me, trying to save my soul. I listen to their “the rapture is coming!!!” and I nod politely, and ask which form of payment they’ll be using. They tell me to pray for forgiveness, and I say I sure will ma’am, would you like a bag for ten cents?

Anyway this one lady was really giving it to me, and I finally snapped. I said to her, look, I respect you and all, but I’m gay. Isn’t there like, a straight person you can bother with this stuff? Your god doesn’t want me, lady. Not that I believe that, you know, but lesbians choose to be lesbians in the same way incels choose to be incels. It’s not a choice, it just happens to us. God looked down at us and said we’re gonna have all the pussy that those guys over there aren’t gonna have, and we as lesbians and incels had no choice but to accept it. Well, the lesbians accepted it, the incels are still pretty mad about it.

But back to my point, I told this nice Christian lady that even if the rapture was coming, I wasn’t going to heaven anyway because I’m a big ol homosexual. “Well, you can always repent” she says. Repent for what, giving my bi girlfriend more pleasure in bed than any man ever has? Repent for what, my cats?

“Ask forgiveness!” She said.

And I’m like, okay, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna ask forgiveness for being gay…. From the dude who made me gay. That’ll go great.

Because here’s the thing, here’s how that prayer is going to go.

I’m gonna be sitting in my room surrounded by my cats, and my dog who thinks she’s a cat because she’s about the same size and has never seen another dog before. I’m gonna be surrounded by my cats, and I’m gonna kneel to the floor. And I’m gonna say “Dear Lord,” as we begin all formal and polite communications, such as a letter, or an email, or a prayer. “Dear Lord”, I’ll say, “I am praying to you today” because you need to establish a reason for it, like in an email. You always start an email “Dear John, I’m emailing you today about yada yada yada”. You never just start the email and go straight into your message, because that would be rude.

So I say “Dear Lord, I am praying to you today to ask for forgiveness. I am asking you to forgive… yourself… for making me gay. No, don’t forgive me, I am not sorry. Believe me. I am not sorry about being gay in the least. But I guess you should be, so… I hope you’re sorry, and I hope you forgive yourself.”

Because that’s how a prayer would go, if I’m being asked to ask forgiveness for God making me gay.