Thread 13: Stories 76-90

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>Dash
"Gilda"
'LD'
~~~~

>This has gotten out of hoof.

"What?"

>This. The prank war. It's gotten out of hoof.

"No no, I get that this went overboard. I got that when Spitfire's hair started smoking and caught fire."

'Heh.'

"It's that expression. Got out of 'hoof'? The fuck does that mean?"

>It means I can no longer hold this situation, as if the situation was a physical thing that has fallen out of my hoof.

"But... you can't hold stuff with your hoof. You can just, I don't know, balance it or something, but there's nothing to actually grip the object representing the situation. That phrase makes no sense."

>...Huh.

'Not to get off topic or anything, but is Soarin' going to be alright?'

>Yes. On that note, flashbangs are now banned.

'What haven't you banned at this point?'

>Revolvers, for the day I finally snap and need to use it.

'...Huh.'

"Soooo... how long until the stink bomb recedes enough we can get back in the building?"

'The box says six to seven months.'

"...Spitfire's still in there."

>...Lock the doors.
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>RD
"SF"
-Gilda-
[LD]

>Hold on, just a couple more locks to go.
"Rainbow...? Rainbow, is that you?"
>I'm sorry Spitfire, we can't use this building, we just can't.
"Help me! Please, Dashie, help! It's so... so groooooooss..!"
>Ohhh, help me Dashie, heeeeelp! It's no use now, this place is a lost cause.
"I beg you!"
>We must positively leave this wretched place.
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONTRESOR!"

Later...

[What does... Nemo me impune lacessit... mean?]
-And why'd you write it on the front door?-
>...Twilight would've gotten it.
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>18
"2"
~~~~~

>Yes. Yes. No. No. No. No. HAH! Oh, Chrysalis, as if you could ever get a law this dumb past me. No. No. Yes. No. N-what the hell?

"HAH! I gots you! You totally thought that was real!"

>...Two, it's just a paper that says "This is not a fake paper."

"Right? Admit it, that was clever."

>...Totally had me going, you sneaky little thing you. Glad you came in, or I totally would have signed off on this.

"HAH!"

>...Please don't do that, you sound like Chrysalis when you do that.

"Wha'do I win?"

>Bag of candy, obviously.

"YAAAAAY! I'mma show Shiny!"

>...Well, good thing I got rid of that candy, blood sugar is probably through the roof now.
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>Luna
"Applejack"
~~~

>WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE!

"...Luna, always happy ta' speak with ya'."

>This is an outrage! We will not stand for it! I SHALL TEAR THIS CASTLE APART BEFORE I LET THIS SLIP PAST!

"...Is it about the bill yer' holdin'?"

>OF COURSE!

"Okay, Luna? Sit down, gonna run through some things with ya'."

>...

"M'kay, first off, we don't write up our legislature in crayon."

>...We thought it was an event like, what you would call, 'wacky tie tuesday' or the sort.

"It ain't. Second, there ain't no signature on that. If there ain't a signature, how can we sign it into a bill?"

>...Huh.

"Third, and this is important... that said somethin' about royals could only have sex with other royals, right? Now, look, Ah'm pretty sure that was just Chrysalis bein' bitchy at 29-"

>No no, it says royals HAVE to have sex with other royals.

"Ah. Ah' can see why ya'd have a problem with that."

>Indeed! For this means we would have to sleep with Shining Armor, and we would rather eat a solid block of lead.

"Right, well, it's not gonna... did ya'll make an amendment to that?"

>We did.

"...Ya wrote "except Shining Armor" in there?"

>Tis true.

"So, ya' ain't opposed to the CONCEPT, just him."

>No no no, this was my way to prevent the bill from ever coming to pass! For you see, he is the only male royal at the moment, so if he was off the table, no mating for any! And if there is no mating with the possibility of procreation, what's the point? There is none! So the bill would fail. See? We are so clever!

"...Okay, no, ain't no way we're having the "two mommies" talk with ya'. Get the hell out of my office."

>What? What are you referring to-

"OUT!"
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Deciding to relax in the Gun Club room, Spike opens the door and begins setting all of his gear aside beside Charity and head towards the worn-out, crappy couch he loved so

WHAP!

"Ughhhh..." Spike groaned as he stepped on a rake which proceeded to spring up and hit him in the face, hurting his pride more than his body. Taking a step away from the rake, he turned and decided to head towards the tabl-

WHAP!

"Ughhhh..."

He moves for the recliner chair

WHAP!

"Ughhhh..."

Spike goes for the rocking

WHAP!

"Ughhhh..."

Perhaps its time to leave...

WHAP!

"Ughhhh..."

Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara watches from the shadows and snickers.

WHAP!

"Ughhhh..."
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From the depths of Tartarus, a great evil rose to destroy Equestria.

"Ahahahahah! After one thousand and nine years, I am FREEEE!" The Infernal King celebrated maniacally. "I will bring this world to its... knees.." He trailed off and looked down.

Surrounding him was what seemed to be an army which included a squadron of pegasi armed with rockets under their wings, a mishmash band of changelings, dragon, and pony armed with various implements of destruction, several alicorn princesses, a changeling Queen, Discord, and several squads of Equestrian and Crystal guards armed with battle harnesses, and then there was The Infernal Mistress herself, glaring at him with disapproval and threats of untold agony if he continued.

"... You know what? How about I reschedule my return in another thousand years? No? How about ten thous-"

Several guns cocked at once and a dozen horns flared to life with magic.

"You know what? Let's forget this whole thing."

And with a musical chord provided by Pinkie, the Infernal sunk back into the earth and the hellish rift closed until it was good as it had been.

Applejack relaxed along with everyone else and looked around. "Anyone else remember when these things used ta be tough an' require us, usually Twi, ta learn some valuable lesson in friendship?"

Chrysalis sighed with nostalgia heavy in her eyes. "Ah, Applejack, the times, they are a'changin'."

NON CANON
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>Batmom
“Dadling”
‘29’
______

>LET’S GOOOOO~!

“…”
‘…’

“I’m sorry you had to hear that, she’s… I… I’m lost, really. She’s been on a weird music kick for a couple days now. I think… I don’t know what to think, help me….”

>AAAAAH YOUR TEARS DON’T FAAAAALL, THEY CRASH AROUND ME~!

‘…well, abhorrent loudness aside, your muse does possess exquisite vocals. Alas, all good things must come to an end I’m afraid. Double M and I have received numerous complaints about this unholy noises coming from your house at all hours of the day.’

>HER CONSCIOUS CALLS THE GUILTY TO COME HOME~!

‘And now I see firsthand that their unruly claims were not without merit.’

Standing in the doorway with fifty-pound bags under his eyes, the Changeling father merely stood aside and held out a hoof.

“You want to try and stop her you go ahead, man. I swear being pregnant with a different species has caused her hormones to go into overdrive….”

‘Well, pregnant or no, this must stop. I can’t have my little ones bobbing their heads to these demonic tunes.’

“…your little ones?”

‘Never mind that. …Excuse me? Ms- I mean, Mrs. Glimmer? I’m afraid I must ask you to lower the guitar and step away from the mic-’

It only took one glance. One absolute look of solace, a look of benign contentment aimed at 29 that spoke legions of the hellish torment and agony that would claim his very soul if he bothered her for even one more second.

He backhoofed it most quickly until he was by the door again.

Glimmer cleared her throat.

>YOUR TEARS DON’T FAAAALL, THEY CRASH AROUND MEEE~!

‘…’

“Yeah, I got the same look. Four days ago.”

‘Well, obviously, your neighbors will just have to acquire a taste for this new, wonderful brand of music. Yes, yes they shall. Welp, good day, sir!’

“Right. Stop by any time. I’ll be up. I always am now....”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sTQ0QdkN3Q
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>Cheese
"77"
~~~
>They say you're the best at what you do.

"Who does?"

>The dragon partner of yours, of course! And they also say what you do isn't very nice...

"Um, alright... It is nice to see you again, by the way. Do you need help with something?

>Wow! you are great! how did you know?!

"... Intuition."

>Well, anyway though, the grand opening of Party Land's been delayed, and I didn't want to say anything publically, but Pinkie's been crazy! and I don't mean CUH-RAY-ZEE! I mean more like scary movie, slasher villain crazy!

"Well... Maybe the stress of opening the park has gotten to her. Or something else has happened in her life?"

>Ye-yeah! She's begun reading this really scary book?

"... Scary book? how scary?"

>Like, it whispers to her. It tells her of papaya vinaigrettes, of advant garde confectionary and culinary... A book that calls itself... The Omnomonomicon...

"Mr. Cheese, I will take your case, but I think I will need help from some experts on magic. the game is a-hoof- Wait, when did I get this deer stalker cap and this coat?"

>I added them to your wardrobe.

"Oh, thank you then. To the Crystal Empire!"

NON CANON
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>32
"Chrysalis"
'Pommel'

>...

"...can I help you, Jerkjack?"

>Ok, I am going to preface this by saying this is only because I made a misstep earlier and have been shamed into it.

"Shamed into what?"

>I'm so-ow!

"Uh, you okay?"

32 winced as he opened his mouth and freed his trapped tongue.

>Yes yes, my body and my brain aren't exactly on the same page here. I'm sorrrnnnnngh...

"Uhhh..."

>I got this! I swear I got this! Ok...I'm sorry-ohsweetmercymytongue! Ok, think I got it out that time.

"Hm? Sorry, it looked like the juggling guy was finally going to do it, what were you saying?"

>...I'm s-aha! I dodged the bite that time! I'm sor-aiiiieee!

"I don't know why but I'm finding this very entertaining."

~~~~~~~~~

'So did you finally get around to saying it?'

>Yeth.

'...your tongue gonna be okay?'

>Evenchully. Printheth Thparkle thayth it'll mend after a few hourth.

'Here's hoping this doesn't happen the next time you have to apologize to her.'

>Never gonna happen...I hope.
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>SA
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

>The fact you laid down plastic is worrying me, just going to come outright and say it.

"NNNnnnnnNNNNNGGGnnnnnNGGGGGGHHHH!'

>Not helping.

"NNNNNGGGGRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

*CRACK!*

>FUCKING CELESTIA THROUGH THE NIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK!?

"Hah...hah... c-coool, huh?"

>That looked extremely painful.

"HAH! Y-you would think that... because it absolutely was. That hurt like hell."

>You know, I would think that went without saying. I would just assume GROWING A JAGGED HORN out of your NASAL CAVITY, looks like, is a touch painful.

"Yeah."

>So, what's this one for? Another horn to cast magic with? Because that might be useful.

"Naaaah, it's just for fighting."

>Well, I don't see why it would be any more effective than just stabbing with your regular horn.

"No no, a special kind of fight. Third cousin Cracentaurus got into an argument with great aunt Goliatias over a target both of them wanted to seduce, and they decided literally going head to head was the best way to decide it. They wrestled for hours, days even!"

>Who won?

"To this day, nobody knooooows... because they both died when Titania crushed them for being stupid. Then SHE got the guy they were fighting over."

>Killed him too, I take it?

"Dunno, never asked. If her previous encounters were any indication, though, he died with a smile on his face. She was rough, but Titania knew how to make them smile."

>Ah. Any thing else that horn is used for?

"Well, actually yes. It's curved juuuust right, so it blocks my normal horn from poking you in the chest or neck when my face is in your lap-"

>Got it. Damn, that's terrifying. Put it away, would you?

"Oh, fine....NNNNN....GNNNNNN..."

*Crickling noises*

>...I just ate.

"NNNNGGGGGG"

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>Spike
"Gilda"
'PJ'
~~~
'No...'

"Fucking..."

>Way...

The trio stood outside the Monstallion Barbeque place the trio of carnivores had sought to dine at. Or what was left of it.

'It's gone... all gone... And i can still taste the yummy, all-you-can-eat meats..'

"WHO BURNED THIS PLACE DOWN?! I WILL MURDERIZE THEM AND EAT THEIR FLESH!"

Spike glowers

>Might wanna rethink that...

He then holds up the notice which reads: "By her royal decree, vegetarian dietary habits are now obligatory for all sapient creatures within the boarders of Equestria, and thus, this establishment has been shut down. Written, signed, and enforced by her royal highness Princess Fluttershy and Discord"

"... you know, I think I don't need fatty meats in my diet! I need to stay fit to keep in the Wonderbolts!"

'And you know, my constant eating has given me a bit of a belly lately.'

>I'm fighting this...

Gilda and PJ sweep Spike up into a hug

'I WILL join your harem for this!'

"I'll bear as many young as you want if you can get me some dead cow!"

>Ack! Can't! Breath!
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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Cadence'
-18-
[42]
{Celestia}
~2~
~~~~~

>I have regrets.

"MAKE IT STOOOOP!"

'You're all over-reacting.'

-What's that, mr revolver? There's something you want to show me? I just have to find it in that little hole? Well, if you say so!-

[...]

{This song will never leave my head, it is there for all of time.}

~GEEEEEM IS TRUUULY OUTRAGEOUS! TRULY TRULY TRULY OUTRAGEOUS!~

>Well, glad someone likes it.

'GEM IS MY NAME NO ONE ELSE IS THE SAME!'

"You would like this bubblegummy crap, wouldn't you?"

{I swear I can TASTE the marketing from this. There is SO MUCH PINK!}

-...Did you just feel that?-

{Ignore it, little shakes in reality like that happen all the time.}

>At least the animation is nice?

[...]

-Wait, now I'm confused. Does it count as cheating when they're the same person?-

"But he doesn't know that."

{Right, but could she call him on that? She's the one deceiving him and flirting with him.}

>Kind of worked herself into a corner, didn't she? If she calls him on it, he can just say he always knew and point to the multiple clues, like her friends all knowing and not saying anything.

-I mean, if I was in his place, I'd just say I thought this was all just a sexy roleplay for the cameras.-

{Right? Then he's the supportive one, and she's the one who's the bitch for not trusting him and actively trying to get him to cheat.}

'WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP! For the love of... just let me enjoy my merchandise driven children entertainment, please? Why do you have to over-complicate this?'

~EEEEHEHEH! She jus' hit him inta' the cake!~

'See? She gets it.'

-...So is the hologram magic, or...-

'STOP QUESTIONING IT! It's children's entertainment!'

"Doesn't mean it has to be crap."

{Really, it's the opposite. Wouldn't you want your kids to watch something well written? That way they can get smarter and follow a neat story?}

'...Shut up.'

[...Hmmmm hmhmhmhmmmmmhm...]

>Are you humming the theme song?

[NO!]

>...

[...hmhmhm...]
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>Fluttershy
"Discord"
'Spike'
[Luna]
~~~
>Um, excuse me, Spike?

'Oh, hey, Flutters, what's on your mind?'

>Oh, well you see, i was just traveling with Discord in the Griffon Kingdoms, trying to convince them it's not right to eat other animals when they're perfectly capable of thinking...

'Go on...'

>and, well, one restaurant owner, a SMOKE HOUSE owner, said... well he said-

Discord pops out of Spike's pants

"HE SAID MEAT IS NOW LEGAL IN EQUESTRIA AGAIN! After it upset my dear Billersnye the Flutter Shy so see so many animals killed needlessly to feed those who could make due with other means and-"

>IT PISSES ME OFF THAT MY AUTHORITY IS BEING SUBVERTED AND I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE HEAD I NEED TO TEAR OFF!

Spike leans back in his seat

'That was me. Because certain sapient species cannot substitute meat from their diets for sustained periods without-'

SNAP!

'-Experiencing horribly nutritional-... Aw, crap.'

[Young dragon, what brings you to the moon?!]

REVISED ENDING TIME!
~~~~
'That was me. Because certain sapient species cannot substitute meat from their diets for sustained periods without-'

SNAP!
'-MPHPHMMPHHH!'

[56? Dear me, we should not have eaten the extra bean chili...]

'MMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPH!'

meanwhile...

Discord plays on a guitar backwards, getting piano music from the strings while singing

"SEND IT TO THE MOON~!"

CANON DEBATABLE
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>42
"32"
'Pommel'
~~~
'You know, I've heard a lot about the sort of terrors Queen Chrysalis has inflicted on ponies, but it never really occurred to me her own people endure the worst of it.'

"Well it's hard not to think we are not simply extensions of her will, often enough. It's how she regards us, disposable tools or toys to fetch her this and that or ease her boredom."

'You know, I think if I met her myself, I'd give her a piece of my-'

>Do that and pretty soon you won't have a mind left to think.

'Holy crap!'

Pommel notices the hard stare between 42 and 32 then leaps to 32's side

'Y-You can't hurt him! You'll have to go through me first-'

42 puts a gentle hoof on Pommel's shoulder and ease slides him side ways with a smirk

>Not so hard, is it?

"Pommel, leave us."

'But-'

"Please!"

Hesitantly, Pommel rushes off

"So... It comes to this then, lapdog?"

>Come to what? Come to the hallway? Come to this time of day?

"I know what you want: to rip me to pieces for insulted your precious queen."

>You know what? No. The Queen can handle herself despite what I my role compels me to do.

"So you admit to being nothing more than a bodyshield."

>A lot less, sometimes, really. But the reason I really want to hit you right now if for spreading your toxic shit to others. Look at what you've already done to Pommel, he's a kid and he's all ready to die in the glorious revolution! How you feel about the Queen is your own business, but don't drag everyone else back into your cesspool with you.

"Other changelings need to see the light, they need to see they die and suffer purely for the Queen's personal glory!"

>Sort of like how you got Pommel to lay his life down for yours.

"That's different."

>Not from where I stand. I've seen your sort before, you're not the first changeling who wanted to revolt, the first changeling to start shit, and you want to know what happened?

"You executed them, right?"

>Kicking asses before even The Queen was born, huh? I like this reputation people keep giving to me.

"Pardon?"

>For someone so interested in history, you don't know a great deal about ours. I mean that these revolutions ended with entire hives gone, dead, destroyed, and the changeling race further weakened. Oh sure, there were some successes though, wanna know what happened to them? It was a new name, same management skills, the difference being that the "revolutionaries" were now running things, one way or another.

"And this relates to my cause how?"

>Because, look around you: the changeling population, for the first time in years, is stable, not dwindling. Hell, we've even expecting a new one to join us soon, one of the idiots went and knocked up a local! All this was brought about through reforms, through sitting down and talking things out, through emotions other than anger and bitterness. If you try to split the hive apart now with your Les Miserab-shit, all Changeling-kind will be doomed to die, and the real reason I want to hit you right now is because YOU WON'T CARE!

"... Of course I'd care..."

>You don't act like it. You're the sort who wants everything settled with blood.

"And you're not?"

>A friend taught me a long time ago that some fights are best unfought, and beating you up would only give you cheap justification for a disproportionate vengeance you'd take out on everyone else. Besides, I can hit with more than punches.

With that, 42 walks away just in time for Pommel to rush back in with some other guards

'Hey! 32, are you alright? what did she do? Did she hurt you?'

32 just watches 42's calm walk and disappearing figure

"Not physically."
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>AJ56
“77”
______

>Ah-HA! There you are, 77! I finally found you!

“I… wasn’t hiding?”

>Ya musta been, I was lookin’ high and low for you, man!

“Well, dear boy, I would say your quest is at its successful conclusion. What is it you required of me?”

>Well, uh… it’s… can I sit down first?

“I’d be insulted if you didn’t. Get comfortable, 56. At your leisure.”

>Thanks. And it starts with this dream I had…

Even if 56’s storytelling skills weren’t that great or polished, 77 still caught the bulk of it and couldn’t blame the smaller Changeling when, by the time he finished, he was laying on his stomach, muzzle buried underneath his hooves and shivering.

“Are you alright, brother?”

>What’d that dream mean…? That… that I might one day hurt Moons? I had fangs worse than not-mom! I would never hurt Moons!

His sudden proclamation gave him strength to lift his head and glare at 77 as though he had viciously accused him of plotting to do just that.

“Brother. I know. I’ve seen the way you dote on the lunar princess. I daresay you’d bounce back any who tried to threaten her.”

>Yeah! Yeah I would! Darn right I would! But… that dream….

When he began to wilt like a dying flower, 77 placed a steadying hoof on his shoulder.

“It was only a nightmare, 56. A bad series of reverie and nothing more.”

A more sophisticated being might have hidden their relief and settled on a simple nod, but 56 didn't care to keep his joy tucked away. Waves of comfort flooded his face.

>Th-thanks, 77… sorry if I’m takin’ ya away from snugglin’ Miss Flowerpot’s booty….

“Not for nothing, 56, but were she around, chances are high you would not have found me.”

>Well, there’s that. But… there was something else….

“Oh? Well, my boy, go on, go on.”

>Where… I mean, it just got me thinkin'. Stupid stuff, heh, b-but... do you remember where you came from?

“I don’t think you could have asked a more vague question, 56. By that do you mean where I came from mentally, where I came from physically, what my previous lodgings were, what hive I originated from-”

>That. Th-that one.

“I should say so.”

56 winced.

>You actually remember your mother…?

“If you mean my ‘queen’, then yes.”

>O-oh… ‘cause I can’t remember my mom. Or much of anything… All I get is a giant blank and then my current mom, who’s not my mom, but is my mom anyway.

“…”

>What? What is it?

“Nothing, I just… I cannot help you.”

>Huh? Whatta ya mean you can’t h- wait… do… do you know?

“I know that some things are best left in the past, yes. That is what I know.”

>You know who my mother is?

“We don’t have ‘mothers’ in the same sense as ponies or Gryphons might, 56-”

With a furious shake of his head, 56 was up on all fours, his eyes, already bloodshot and glistening, narrowed almost with the promise of a fight.

>I’m not stupid, I know what a mother is! It’s the one who gives you life, and whoever gave me life, that’s my mother!

“…okay, comrade.”

>Right? Right… that’s right, that’s… that’s my mom, I just… w-why can’t I remember? It gets really painful when I try but you... you know! Tell me! I just wanna know what hap-

Faster than the eye could catch, a hoof tapped 56 over the back of his neck. The smaller Changeling instantly went limp and fell into 77’s outstretched forelegs, out like a light. With a surprisingly gentle handle, 77 rolled 56 over so as to observe his face. It was peaceful, save for the tear rolling down his cheek.

“There’s a reason you cannot remember your past, 56… and I think it best to follow our Queen’s orders and keep you, and Two, abreast of it. You will know someday, I fear... but today is not that day. Sleep and forget.”
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