Patton Oswalt's Star Wars VII Filibuster on 'Parks & Recrea'

Article 7, Section 3 allows for a citizen filibuster.  If I stand here and refuse to yield my time, you are prohibited from voting on the bill.

LET THE FILIBUSTERING BEGIN!

As many of you have noted that use the Internet, it has been announced that Disney has acquired the rights to the "Star Wars" franchise and in the summer of 2015, we will see the release of "Star Wars: Episode VII."  Herewith is my proposal for the plot of that movie.

Begin with standard title sequence and John Williams fanfare, followed by a scroll to be written; I would like to mention that Brian De Palma wrote the original opening scroll for "Star Wars Episode IV: New Hope" -- I think it would be a nice nod to the franchise if he were to write *this* opening scroll.

Then pan down from the twin suns of Tatooine.  We are now close on the mouth of the Sarlacc Pit.  After a beat, the gloved Mandelorian armor gauntlet of BOBA FETT grabs onto the sand outside of the Sarlacc Pit and the feared bounty hunter pulls himself from the maw of the sand beast.

(L: Okay, this is exactly ... )

And we realize, and we realize that he survived his fall during the battle at Jabba's Palace Ship.  Then, do a hard cut to a repurposed Imperial Destroyer, which has now been taken over by the Rebels.  Commander Luke Skywalker, now a full Jedi Knight training new padawans, is using, ironically, his father Anakin's red lightsaber, which will be a symbolic, I think, visual for his battle with how to both bring about the new Jedi Order while still acknowledging his father's fall from grace.

(L: This is exa--)

As he is training the padawans, we pan outside of the control window to a nearby asteroid where we see, and please allow me to finish this because it's going to seem like a bit of a jump, we see Thanos who was (male: "Oh, come on!") the villain teased at the end of the first Avengers movie.  Now, Thanos, as you know, owns the Infinity Gauntlet, which has the Time Gem, the Mind Gem, the Power Gem, the Space Gem, and the Reality Gem.  If he holds the Reality Gem, that means he can jump from different realities.  This will be our link from, to the Marvel Universe from the Star Wars Universe.  We then cut to Earth, Tony Stark realizes

(L: Okay, okay--)

(Garth: ... that there is, Tony Stark realizes there is ... )

(L: Okay, okay, this is someone that I know, I know who that is, I know who that is, this is the first person that I've known ... )

Tony Stark realizes -- I do not recognize the chair -- Tony Stark realizes that there has been a disturbance in what he will call a time ribbon for the time being.  I will allow J.J. Abrams to think of a better term for this.  And he then starts to assemble the cream of the Marvel Universe -- not, not the second-tier superheroes that we saw in the first Avengers movie.  I'm sorry, but Hawkeye and Black Widow are not first-tier.  He would go find -- uh, hello?  Spider-Man, Spider-Man exists in that universe.  He would go find Moon Knight.  He would go find Daredevil.  He would go find Hercules -- and then that can bring in the entire pantheon of Greek gods that we saw in "Clash" and "Wrath of the Titans."  So now we have a giant three-franchise tie-in.

Now cut back to the Imperial Star Destroyer.  Luke gets a visit from, and we only show this from the boots up first, so we show these like black boots with the ... and then we pan up and, oh my God, it's Han Solo, but he's old, older and grizzled and really, like, focused and cool like he's seen some really bad stuff, and he actually seems shaken.

And Luke is like, "What's wrong, old buddy?" and that's when Han drops Chewbacca's severed head onto the floor, yes, (L: No way!  Kids aren't going to like this.) on the floor, in front of the padawans (L: Kids aren't gonna--)  It's on the floor in front of the padawans, please let me finish, thank you -- the padawans are all horrified.

And Han says that the planet Kashyyyk has been destroyed by this very mysterious force that we know, "Oh, this was Thanos!"  Thanos is beginning to, you know, gather power in this new universe.

So, while they take Chewie's head down to, 'cause we've seen that, you know, they can build new bodies, they're going to build Chewie this really cool robot -- I'm thinking spider body?  Like a cool spider body with Chewie's head and ion cannons on it, but that will be in the -- he'll come back -- that'll be the post-credits tease of this film, so keep that in mind.  So I don't want you guys bummed out, 'cause Chewbacca's not dead, he will come back.

Then, and then Han, uh, Luke looks down and Han's wedding ring is gone, "Hey, what happened with you and Leia?" and Han's like "don't even get me started on that" and so we're like "where did Leia go? Where did Leia GO?"  She's not gone, but ...

(L: The female part's a little underwritten so far, sir; I'd like to point that out.)

I am, citizen filibuster, thank you, and really, thank you for respecting our town laws by interrupting me during this ... uh, where was I?  Yes, then at the, (L: this is exactly why we need to) THEN AT THE edge of the uh, of the Star Destroyer's orbit, suddenly the time ribbon begins wavering and what comes through?

The X-Men's Quinjet.  That's right.  What we did was back on Earth we showed him gathering up all the heroes but we didn't see him gathering up the X-Men, so, oh my goodness.  Now Wolverine's going to be there, now Cyclops' going to be there.

So the Quinjet comes through.  Luke gets in his X-wing to go out and meet them and they engage in this awesome star battle and it looks like the Quinjet actually is going to shoot Luke down and suddenly this volley of lasers comes in and, and what comes flying in?  It's, we think it's going to be, we think it's going to be the Millennium Falcon just like in Episode IV when he comes in and saves him during the Battle of Yavin ...

But no, it is Slave I, that's right, Boba Fett's ship Slave I has to save Luke because, of course, he's trying to track down Han, he can't have Luke die.  So then, now, it's a battle between the Quinjet, between the X-Wing, between Slave I and then we see the Millennium Falcon is flying away, so it's now Slave I goes off to do that.

But then, then we cut down to Coruscant where Princess Leia is now consulting with Lando Calrissian.  Now it looks like they're just having a very intense meeting about trade regulations, and about -- I will not, I will not finish my speaking -- about trade regulations and but then suddenly once, when the rest of the council meeting, leaves -- they fall into each other's arms.  Oh my god, Lando Calrissian and Princess Leia are having an affair and that is why Han Solo -- because, look, Lando Calrissian was like, "Hey, if I'm going to lose the Millennium Falcon to you, I'll just take your woman," and he has, so then we set that triangle up.

Now, cut back to the Quinjet and Reed Richards and the Fantastic Four is piloting it!  Oh, it was a fakeout!  It's him, and we have select members of the X-Men that I thought, in my opinion, were not focused on properly in the earlier films.  We have Colossus in there; we have X-23, which is Wolverine's daughter; and then we have a now mind-controlled Sabretooth, and of course Wolverine.  So imagine those two going up against robot Chewbacca -- 'cause that's going to happen.  That is what we're teasing right now.

I have, literally have no fluid in my mouth.  I gotta do a Marco Rubio, can we please cut?