70's cop anon

>Be Guard Anon.
>You don't fucking know how this happened but you're a guard now.
>Spiffy golden armor and everything.
>Well, mostly, just a chestplate over your clothes and a helmet.
>Can't expect these ponies to get human anatomy and have enough experience to make a proper set of armor for a human.
>Get saddled with a partner.
>Apparently the butt of all jokes, the mare with no plan who thinks she can make do by being the biggest "filly scout" this side of Canterlot.
>"So I say to her "Because of all the sand that is there", and she gives me such a look, she probably didn't mean anything by it, poor girl doesn't have a sense of humor."
>Her name's Cupcake, not actually guard name material but hey.
"Don't you mean all the sand which is there?"
>Cupcake stops in her tracks "Oh, OOH now I get it!"
>She laughs
>"You're a funny guy, as expected of my partner!"
>The two of you are basically patrolmen by a different name, as such all you do is walk around your beat keeping the peace.
>Which is pretty easy because this is a pure and innocent land of magical little ponies.
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
>Right?
>"Anon quick, the scream came from this way!"
>You sprint behind the galloping mare and turn a corner.
>There's a group of little ponies gathered and whispering, but due to your height you can see what they're surrounding.
>A stallion, caked in red.
>"Caterlot Royal Guard" Cupcake says with a bit of a squeak "Could everypony please stand clear?"
>The civilians widen their circle.
>"O-Oh Gosh..." Cupcake's white coat turns a bit paler.
>She tries to put on a brave front and you... well... you're confused as fuck.
>The stallion's fine, just caked in cherry red jam or something, he's even breathing and everything.
>Then two pegasus guards land on the scene as well "Okay! Stand further back or move along, it's your choice, just make it quick, everypony!"
>Their deeper, more authoritative tone works much better and many of the ponies disperse.
>The two stallions notice you.

>"Got here quick didn't you?"
>Seeing how Cupcake was stumbling on her words you elected to respond.
"Our beat crossed around here"
>The stallion looks up at you "Alright, then you two're first reporting, we'll set up a perimeter and keep any curious ponies moving along."
>You and Cupcake nod, makes sense, and his tone is so sure and professional
>"You better see what you can find before the pompous jerk unicorn team show up." he finishes before going to do his part
>Oh yeah, those guys, basically because they have magic they're the ones handling evidence, once they come in, bam suddenly you're shoo'd away because it's "Adult" time
>"Oh Gosh, Oooh Gosh." Cupcake is still out of it.
"Relax, what's wrong with you?"
>"What's wrong? Look at him; he clearly got pie thrown at him, in broad daylight! I just wasn't prepared is all." Her face scrunches
>Aww, you always forget just how skewed your views are, this is like the equivalent of getting shot to them
"Anyway, let's see what we can find, I'll check the stallion, you check around."
>...
>You squat down and look the pony over
>He keeps muttering "why me", "my jacket is ruined" and is completely unresponsive
>You have no idea of what to do, but you notice the red jam tainting his jacket further
>It’d suck if he had anything in his pockets that could get ruined...
"Uh, sir, I'm flipping you over now"
>No response
>You do what you said you would and check his coat pockets after rolling him unto his back momentarily.
>He did have something.
>A stained bank receipt of one "Foggy Quartz" for payments toward a pearl necklace
>You put it in another pocket and jot it all down in your notepad
>"Hey Anon, look at this." Cupcake calls your attention nearby
>Getting up you go to her and see what she's pointing at. "Crumbs, they look like pie crust."
>You note it down and follow the crumbs five feet to a trashcan
>Inside you find...
>A pie tin
"How nice of them to clean after themselves" You pick it up and look it over
>"Lemme see, lemme seee" Cupcake whines and brushes your thigh in annoyance.
>You squat down and she gets a close look, so close your helmets clank together.
>"Queen of Tarts" She reads from the tin "That's a bakery not far from here!"
>...
>What rabbit hole have you fallen into?
>Just do your job Anon, just do your job...
>"Hey, you two done sneaking kisses? There's a guy here who says he saw something, take his statement."
>Cupcake jumps around and scrunches "We were not sneaking anything! Captain said not to tease!"
>You facepalm at how childish this is, you were in that meeting too, the captain literally went full anti bully ranger
"Why do we have to do it?"
>"You know how annoying it is to take a statement while standing, with these?" He raises a hoof "Come on Anon, this is exactly why we have you, or would you rather let those pompous know-it-alls take all the glory?"
"Damn unicorn bastards."
>"Ah, that's the spirit!"
>You go ahead and interview the stallion.
"I'm Anon, this is Guardsmare Cupcake, what exactly did you see, sir?"
>"O-Oh, uh..." He gets a little flustered by you "I heard the scream, I then saw a mare run into that store over there." he nods the direction with his head.
>You thank him as you finish jotting it down and he leaves.
>"Will she know something?" Your partner wonders.
>
>
>"C-Can I help you?" The mare asks, clearly shaken up.
>"I'm Cupcake, this is my partner Anon, we're from the Royal Guard. We're here about the pie throwing..."
>The mare holds in a breath.
"Do you... uh... know the victim?"
>At this she sobs. "He's my boss. Mr. Spurred Spark."
>"What's your name miss?"
>She calms herself a bit "Foggy Quartz"
>That's the name on the bank receipt, and you notice she's wearing what you assume to be a pearl necklace.
>...
"Alright, if you can, please tell us what exactly went down."

>She takes a few breaths and begins. "D-During my lunch break, I like to look around the shops. I was window shopping when Mr. Spark burst into the store and berated me about being late"
>"And?"
>"We came back, he had me walking in front of him, then I hear him scream, when I turn around he's fallen on the ground c-covered in pie!"
>"H-How horrible!"
>...
>You look at Foggy Quartz, she's got the tears and sobbing down, but there's obviously something wrong here
"That's all?"
>"Y-Yes." You stare into her big watery puppy dog eyes, she doesn't meet yours, brushing one of her forelegs with another instead.
"You're lying"
>"A-Anon, how could you say that to a mare after what she's been through!?"
"Come on Cupcake, it’s pie throwing, he wasn't sniped, a street that wide? She had to see who threw it in the first place! I'm pretty sure she knows more than that even!"
>"H-How dare you! I've nothing more to tell you- you- you big ape, I've done nothing wrong and you can't prove different!"
"We've found a bank payment receipt in your name in your boss' jacket, you've been paying for that necklace for months!"
>You point at the trinket
"I know why he got mad, he caught you trying to buy something else didn't he?"
>You're kinda winging it here, honestly, but she definitely knows more than she lets on
>Cupcake's head snaps between you and the mare, neurons firing inside her noggin
>"Okay, okay! Sandstorm Locket, he runs a Jewelry store... He was showing me such a wonderful pair of earrings, then Mr Sparks bursts in, Mr Locket gets very angry and they start yelling at each other, then Mr. Spark tells me everything in the store is junk, knock offs and yells at me to get back to work. Then we get back here and I hear Mr Spark scream..."
"That's all well and good, but you haven't really told us anything new unless you're saying the one who threw the pie was-
>"Yes, it was Sandstorm Locket!" She interrupts you with anguish in her voice "He was standing right there!"

>"He threw the pie at Mr Spark with his unicorn magic, then he picked up the pie tin and threw it again... then... then he smeared it on Mr Spark before throwing the tin into the trash bin outside and leaving!"
>... you wonder about the difference between clowns throwing pies and this, is it the lack of consent?
>"Why would Mr Locket do such a thing to Mr Spark?" Cupcake chimes in with a good question, you need to establish concrete motive
>"Mr Spark and Mr Locket hate each other, ask anypony nearby, always butting heads over something or another!"
>You share a look with your petite companion and finish jotting down what was said.
"Which jewelry store does this Mr Locket own?"
>"Treasure Emporium, just a block or two from here"
"Thank you for your cooperation Miss Quartz, you'll be asked to take an official statement later"
>You and Cupcake walk outside into the bright sun and reconvene with the two stallions to report your findings
>"So we have the name of the perp, his store, the pie tin and a witness that puts him in the act." One of the Stallions summarizes
>"Now all we need to do is check Queen of Tarts to get their statement as well and to go to Treasure Emporium and bring him in." Cupcake beams proudly.
>"I'd never think I'd see the day when Cupcake would actually make a bust" The second Stallion notes
>"Yeah, she'd sooner be on cleaning duty at the barracks than actually protecting and serving." The first one guffaws
>"N-No teasing!" Cupcake scrunches her nose and frowns
"So, do we tackle this one at a time or to we do both?"
>"Yeah, we can do both, you two big darn heroes can go make the arrest, I'll go get whatever I can from the bakery, Stronghold you stay here, look after the perimeter"
>"Yeah, yeah"
>"No fair, why do we have to do all the work? We could be stuffing our faces with pastries AND working right now if we went to Queen's Tart"

>Be Guard Anon walking briskly to make an arrest.
>"So how are we gonna do this partner? Should we bust in dramatically? Ooh, we need some one liners! How about "Get ready for your just desserts"? Get it?"
"A pies catch, that one."
>"No matter how you slice it, you're a bad apple."
"A pie for a pie, a tooth for a tooth."
>"Please stop." You two look to the side to see ponies cringing from the display.
>Right, it’s show time, eye on the prize.
>You two reach the store and let yourselves in.
>"Canterlot Royal Guards Cupcake and Anon."
"Are you Sandstorm Locket?"
>You ask the unicorn stallion behind the counter.
>Immediately he gets a deer in headlights look and books it to a back door
>"Oh hamster farts, after him Anon!"
>https://youtu.be/kouQ1qnYiJc [Embed]
>Cupcake doesn't have to tell you twice, you're already sliding over the counter and giving chase!
"HALT!!"
"HALT!"
"HALT!"
>"STOP SAYING THAT!"
>The small pony gallops through the cobblestone streets ahead of you, but you don't let up.
>He uses his magic to try and inconvenience you but you vault through it.
>Were it not for your long strides due to height you'd lose the quadruped.
>He keeps galloping until he makes it to a walled off garden, he slams the gates behind him with magic but that shit's not very high for you to begin with and you just climb over!
>You repeat this for the exit and he turns right
>Sadly your lungs, arms and legs are wondering what the hell's going on now and calling for a cease.
>You can't though.
"Stop... RIGHT THERE... CRIMINAL scum!"
>You've violated the law!
>The stallion also seems to be losing steam after being chased around a few blocks and alleys!
>Left turns, right turns, if you weren't so focused on the guy you'd feel like you're chasing him in circles.
>Up ahead of him you notice the shine of a golden helmet.
>It's Cupcake, she did stay behind, guess she managed to cut Locket off!

>He sees her and slams the brakes on himself looking around for another path, you don't give him time for it though and push him down and mount him, your size and weight keeping him from moving.
"You... try any... magic and I'll... grab your horn."
>"Sandstorm Locket, in the name of Celestia, we're placing you under arrest for the crime of assaulting Spurred Spark with a pie."
>"Tch, he had it coming for years! Kept blocking my business and calling my jewelry junk, I was about to make another sale darn it and that guy ruined it, that was the last straw!"
>"You alright partner?" Cupcake asks you without being able to hide her pride.
"Yeah, just need to catch my breath. Call for a pick up will you?"

>Be Guard Anon.
>Arrest's been carried out and you've briefed the captain.
>The interrogation is out of your hands, it's not your job anyway, but it's a pretty open and shut case with all the evidence and witness testimony.
>Crimes of passion man, did he really think he'd get away with it in broad daylight like that?
>You stretch and feel yourself pop.
>You walk out towards the courtyard and see Cupcake waiting for you, a brown bag on her mouth.
>She excitedly comes to you and stands up on her hind legs for a stomach high nuzzle.
>She begins to speak but you barely understand her through the bag.
>"Sorry! but oh my Gosh Anon, this is the best day ever! My first actual arrest as a Guardsmare! It was all thanks to you!"
"Not really, if you didn’t show up when you did I'd have lost the guy, having him and losing him seems way worse than not seeing any action at all."
>"I guess... I guess you're right!" She puffs out her chest in pride. "I'm gonna admit, I was skeptic when we were assigned together, I mean, there's me and then you aren't even a pony, it felt like we were just brushed aside but look at us now!"
>She's practically bouncing around.
>"By the way, we've been partners for a while now, I never asked, how did you get into the guard exactly?"
"Well, I know the Princess of Friendship and during conversations one thing led to another and somehow I got this as a job, so nepotism really."
>"You know Princess Twilight Sparkle!?"
"So, what's in the bag?"
>"Oh- oh,you know, we just finished our shift..." She trails coyly "So I decided it's time for some donuts~"
"F-From the usual place?"
>"Hmhm, soft and fluffy and oh so delicious."
"And the glazing?"
>"Cool, hardened and sweet."
>Your mouth waters at the thought.
>"Maybe we could hang out, celebrate our first bust, what do you say partner?"
"You had me at donuts, Cupcake."
https://youtu.be/bgRz3jdNvww [Embed]