CRAP

Most days I am doing alright at best, but those days are like a distraction.
I barely got any sleep last night and I cried a lot.
I feel so insecure and my social anxiety causes me a lot of problems.
Sure I feel sad about silly things, but the silly things make me think about much larger.

The night started out ok, I thought about wanting to cuddle Raven from Teen Titans and that she is adorable.
Then awhile later I took off my shirt and got sexual urges and thought about self pleasure, but no I didn't do anything.
Sure I did play with my breasts a little, but then my right nipple started to feel sore and I went back to sleep.
I had a dream where I was hanging out with someone and invited them over to my house for the sole purpose to have sex with them.
That dream didn't last that long though.
That is when it got close to 4:20 AM and then I started to think about how much I love Raven and wish she was real
Then I started to feel sad.
I thought about my past and how I used to have a bunch of friends that I would hang out with and go out of my comfort zone and go places with and how much fun I used to be prior to December 2011
I thought about since I had an argument about Pokemon on Facebook with my best friend Alex at the time and then we stopped talking and that friendship ended, the argument was a few days before Christmas.
The following semester I decided to not hang out with my friends anymore, because she might be around and it would be awkward.
Eventually my friends started to transfer away and little by little the group was getting smaller and smaller and I was just watching from the distance not realizing I lost them.

Semesters go by and I see myself not having any friends anymore and I stop talking to people and be more of a shut in.
One semester one of my old friends spots me and we find out we have a class together and I feel happy and less alone.
Then he disappears and I am alone again.
Spring 2015 comes along and talking to people feels really awkward and the teacher put me on the spot and made me feel like shit.
Eventually I get grouped up with someone who got me out of my shell and my confidence started to come back, but I noticed I started to stutter a lot when I talked and I had to start taking medication to relive anxiety for presentations.
Semester ends and I still have hope I would hear from the person that brought me out of my shell, no answer.
Spring 2016 comes around wow I have no friends at all and I notice I am alone again.

Fall 2017 arrives, first day of semester I feel sick to my stomach and have to rush to restroom a lot somehow make it through my class
Next day dropped out of classes and realized I cannot take in person classes anymore, huge amount of anxiety as well as suffering dehydration.
No IRL Friends, realization cannot live in past anymore.
I will never be like how I was in the past.
Sad, because I can't be like that anymore
Want to cuddle people, but not ever gonna happen and will never develop IRL friends again.
Even online friends I have I would be too nervous to meet IRL, too scared that would be worst fear.
When I chat with people who live in same state I feel petrified, because I feel if I make a mistake about anything that goes on here I would be called out on it and feel like shit.
I rather make friends who live in different countries or states, less scary less likely to run into
Haven't gone out to eat in years, petrified of seeing any relatives who do not live in my current residence, they would ask lots of questions will be judged scared of confrontation

Also alters been quiet for awhile so I been just on my own as me for awhile and that is scary.
I feel like if a heaven exits my dead relatives must be disappointed whenever they look down on me

I feel like no one fully understands me, they might empathize with me, but they don't know the extent
I really downplay everything whenever I talk or write about my feelings and sadness
It honestly feels a lot more worse than how I describe it.

However I much rather feel sadness than feel like vomiting, vomiting is the worst feeling for me.
So I don't feel as bad as I could feel to be honest.