VegetaWrath: I've been doing some more research.
VegetaWrath: Tonight reminded me of a conversation I had with my oldest sister.
Kideme: oh?
VegetaWrath: Aspergers
VegetaWrath: My oldest sister knows a person who's child has it and when she heard of the symptoms, I recalled her saying that it sounded like me.
VegetaWrath: I may have to set up a test for that as well as cervical spondilosys.
VegetaWrath: https://psychcentral.com/disorders/aspergers-disorder-symptoms/  I've been reading this and it seems almost everything in there I've been checking off.
Kideme: It's possible
VegetaWrath: 1. A significant, ongoing impairment in social interactions with others, as demonstrated by at least two of the following symptoms:  Failure to develop friendships with other children of the same age Failure to express appropriate and corresponding social or emotional reactions, such as when conversing or playing with others. For example, a child who shows little or no reaction, feelings or empathy to another child talking with them.
VegetaWrath: 2. Restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as shown by at least one of the following symptoms:
VegetaWrath: A significant and encompassing preoccupation or obsession with one or two restricted topics, that is abnormal either in intensity, subject or focus (such as baseball statistics or the weather)  Seemingly inflexible adherence to specific routines or rituals that serve little purpose
VegetaWrath: 3. The set of symptoms causes significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
VegetaWrath: 4. There is no significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2, communicative phrases used by age 3).
VegetaWrath: I had a severe ear infection as a child as well.  I couldn't hear the first or last sounds of words.
VegetaWrath: And my parents and aunt were thinking of speech classes.
VegetaWrath: So if you were to say something like "Great" I would hear "rea"
VegetaWrath: 5. There is no significant delay in cognitive development (such as reading or math skills) or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, behavior, and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
VegetaWrath: Other common descriptions of the early development of individuals with Asperger’s include certain characteristics that may be helpful in identifying it earlier on. These characteristics include:
VegetaWrath: A fascination with letters and numbers. In fact, the young child may even be able to decode words, with little or no understanding of them (“hyperlexia”)  The establishment of close relationships to family members, but inappropriate relationships or interactions with friends and others (rather than withdrawal or aloofness as in autism). For example, in Asperger’s the child may attempt to initiate contact with other children by hugging them or screaming at them and then puzzle at their responses.
VegetaWrath: That sound familiar?
VegetaWrath: These behaviors are sometimes described for higher-functioning autistic children as well, albeit much more infrequently than they are for children with Asperger’s.
Kideme: it does
VegetaWrath: That's why I'm saying, it sounds like it.
Kideme: it might be
VegetaWrath: I almost fear it.
VegetaWrath: But then, on the other hand I would like something to just point to and say yes....this is something that is not all my fault.
VegetaWrath: For once, being able to say that I do have a disorder that is beyond my control.
VegetaWrath: But then, how many people would be turned away from me because of it?
VegetaWrath: Results of your Autism / Asperger's Screening Quiz
VegetaWrath: You scored a total of  34
VegetaWrath: 34 & up Autism likely
VegetaWrath: Based upon your responses to this autism screening measure, it appears that you are likely suffering from an autism spectrum disorder, or Asperger's disorder. People who score similarly often qualify for a diagnosis of autism or Asperger's.
VegetaWrath: People with an autism spectrum disorder often suffer from severe and sustained impairment in social interaction and the development of restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, and activities. The disturbance must cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
VegetaWrath: You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional soon to rule out a possible anxiety disorder.
Kideme: well, if you really think you have it, the only thing I can suggest is start taking notes of people's behaviors
VegetaWrath: Its not so much that.  I could take notes and such and still find myself screwing up.
VegetaWrath: I've tried it in school, but I was more outcast than the outcasts.  I tried it through work too, and its just....I don't know anymore.
VegetaWrath: I could look and I mimic pretty well, but when it comes to emotions?  Unless its a severe situation, I really don't feel much.
VegetaWrath: Its almost like an emotional disconnect.  I honestly do not get excited or angry over much at all.
VegetaWrath: Its like its a "Oh that's nice."  or "I don't like that."  but unless it was a severe situation, its just not there.
Kideme: it seems like you lack empathy moreso than being autistic
VegetaWrath: Hard to say.
VegetaWrath: But yeah, my feelings had been shut down.  I always blamed it on being told to toughen up, suck it in, deal with it.  You would get excited over getting tickets to your favorite concert.  I would smile, but the excitement would not be there.
Kideme: I'm not really sure then
VegetaWrath: I'd just smile, have some fun, but wonder just when I could get away from the majority of people.
VegetaWrath: Its weird.
VegetaWrath: But how do I explain it to people that just would not understand?
Kideme: I don't know, because it seems like you want to be around people when it's your idea
VegetaWrath: Even then sometimes I don't
VegetaWrath: You'd be surprised how many ideas I get and discard because of the simple fact that I just don't think it would set with other people.
VegetaWrath: Its a fixation on the art of role play I think.
Kideme: I think so too
VegetaWrath: So maybe just the confirmation of the others saying that I can do something right for once....its a bit of a relief.
VegetaWrath: I get told a lot of things I'm doing wrong all the time, but things I do right?
VegetaWrath: Barely a word.
VegetaWrath: Until it comes to people like you, Sparga, and a few others, then I get to hear it, but other than that....its only what I'm doing wrong.
VegetaWrath: I tend to really come down on myself when I've done something wrong, more so than the person that got angry with me.
Kideme: I understand that
VegetaWrath: I get very timid first, then I start thinking through things piece by piece...trying to find the one spot I went wrong.  Often times I can correct it.  But when it comes to conversations, I struggle with it.
VegetaWrath: If I say something to piss someone off, it becomes a type of fixation on that too.
VegetaWrath: Again, I ramble.
VegetaWrath: Any of this making sense though?
Kideme: you're not, it's fine
Kideme: and yes you are
Kideme: it's just I'm not really sure what to tell you
VegetaWrath: I just need to get tested for it.
Kideme: you obviously feel emotion well enough to convey it in writing
VegetaWrath: But then comes that fear.
VegetaWrath: Not always.
Kideme: just it doesn't seem to translate with you when conflict arises
Kideme: what do you mean by fixation though when pissing someone off?
VegetaWrath: Its like I fixate on what I'm doing wrong.  I try to look at it from all angles.  I try to find out why I made the error, what caused the anger toward me, things like that.  Its just a total fixation.
VegetaWrath: Kind of like saying, I'm just waiting for a post.  To me, it did not register as "insensitive."  It really didn't.  I tried to look at it from all sides and it still confuses me, still makes me wonder why answering a question in that manner makes it so wrong when it was how I was feeling.
VegetaWrath: I've fixated on that now for the past few days.
Kideme: because Crystal's grandmother just died and David's trying to help her cope
Kideme: rp is the last thing on her mind, that's why they were awar
Kideme: away'
VegetaWrath: I've had both my grandparents pass and when I tried to tell my mother that I was hurting and such, I was just pushed away.  I was told that they were the ones hurting and to back off.  That was with my grandfather.  After the memorial, I was told to suck it up.  Why are you crying type stuff.
VegetaWrath: It was the same with my grandmother.
VegetaWrath: So I couldn't even grieve them with family.
Kideme: and I'm sorry that happened to you
VegetaWrath: I did the only thing I could.  I jumped right back in to rping because everyone wanted me to game.
Kideme: but just remember we're not the same as the people you grew up with
VegetaWrath: No, you're not.  That's why I thought if anyone, the three of you could help me learn.  I seemed mistaken on two.
Kideme: well that's not really fair, Sparga and Crystal are mostly mad because it's like you fail to see how or why you went about the whole thing was insensitive to them
VegetaWrath: And once more I screw up.
VegetaWrath: I should just better not speak so much.
Kideme: like I said, I'm just not sure what to suggest
VegetaWrath: I mean, if you look at how I post.  Its a lot of thought, but not much on emotion.  When others are describing things like "he got very excited" or "she got really depressed"  I was always more "he goes to deep thought"  There's not really emotion in my posts.
VegetaWrath: Ever notice that?
Kideme: you feel hatred and distrust
Kideme: and those come across very clear
VegetaWrath: Hatred, mostly toward another char, but distrust....even that lacked emotion.
Kideme: well, it's there whether you think so or not
Kideme: I've seen you display plenty of emotion in your writing
VegetaWrath: I just didn't see it.  I always thought it was more clinical.
VegetaWrath: -Shrugs lightly.-  I guess that's a benefit of role play.  You can type it without actually feeling it.
VegetaWrath: Watching Mountain Monsters and trying to pick up on cues from them about the state of one of their team and again, I'm not seeing it.
VegetaWrath: Its been years literally since I have ever really raised my voice at anyone.
VegetaWrath: Years since I have really felt any excitement.
VegetaWrath: I just have that emotional disconnect.  I can type it, but I don't feel it.
VegetaWrath: I don't know how to even call that emotion where you just don't feel anything.
VegetaWrath: Robotic?
VegetaWrath: I don't know how to even approach them without pissing them off more.
VegetaWrath: There's only one thing I know to do.
VegetaWrath: That's to get tested.
VegetaWrath: -Stands up, folding his arms, staring off in to the distance.-
Kideme: I'm not sure
Kideme: like I said, I know you CAN
VegetaWrath: Typing it is different though.
VegetaWrath: I can say I'm fine and really just feeling nothing.
VegetaWrath: If I were to appear in there, they would probably just go silent.  I don't want to ruin your time with them.
VegetaWrath: And I probably did that on a couple comments too.  Yeah...I'm just nothing but errors of late.
VegetaWrath: -Stares at the fire.-
VegetaWrath: I don't know anymore.  I just don't know.
Kideme: I'm not sure either, but at this point, if you do really want to make things right with them, talk to them
VegetaWrath: How?
VegetaWrath: If I say something I'm more likely to piss them off more.
VegetaWrath: I want to, just don't know how to go about it.
VegetaWrath: I tried to go back and show some empathy, but again, that didn't work.  I keep thinking more time so that they can heal more, but if I do that, then would they not grow more resentful?
Kideme: well the one thing that they seemed to dislike was that kept making it about yourself
Kideme: rather than just own up to what happened
VegetaWrath: So basically just go in and say, I screwed up big time, teach me how to do better?
VegetaWrath: I did admit to her flat out that I accepted it before.  She was still pissed.
VegetaWrath: That's about the only thing left I know to say.
Kideme: oye, I don't know
VegetaWrath: That's what I'm talking about.  I suck at ait.
VegetaWrath: it
VegetaWrath: I have a bit of an emotional disconnect.  I don't feel things like I should.
VegetaWrath: I'm not trying to play victim.  I'm only saying what I know so that another may understand.
VegetaWrath: Maybe I should just say that.
Kideme: I'm not sure at this point
VegetaWrath: Just ask if they want to ever work it out.  If not, I'll walk.  If so, I'll give them time to heal.
Kideme: all right I will
VegetaWrath: That's about all I can do.
VegetaWrath: I don't know what else to do.
Kideme: you're right
VegetaWrath: What?
Kideme: it's all you can do right now
VegetaWrath: I would like to work it out, but my head's against the wall.  I've been wrestling with how to make it right again.  I feel like I'm beating my brain against a brick wall.
VegetaWrath: Well its late and I have to be up early.  Maybe over Monday and Tuesday I'll figure out how to say something that may be more comforting, but right now, I just need to get to bed.
Kideme: all right then
Kideme: take care