Jump 399: True Lies

Jump #399: True Lies
>Three of Pentacles (Works): The constructive use of creative talents, and the expression of artistry in workmanship.
>Age: 26
>Location: Florida
>Identity: Arms Dealer
I am going to make sure I have a chest full of artificial arms. This is, after all, a comedy.
>Stop Cheering Me Up! (Free, Arms Dealer)
Everyone deserves to be happy! Especially the people who really don't want to be.
>Care About Your Cause (850, Arms Dealer)
You mean care about your money. And now I can look at someone and see how much they're willing to spend on a given thing.
>They Were All Bad (550)
Also can tell by looking at someone how bad they are and how likely they are to go straight. Useful.
>Priceless, Even (250, Arms Dealer)
I imagine no one would dare break apart a priceless artifact, let alone consider that I'm shipping illegal arms in them. Dozens of illegal arms. Maybe even illegal legs.
>Espresso Machine (200)
>Snow Cone Maker (150)
I'm going to make sure that both of these are in plain view when Harry gets dragged off for his interrogation. Just to screw with him.
>Tracking Device (50)
If I ever need a random thing that can track anyone anywhere, this will do nicely. Especially considering it's got plot device powers that mean I can track it on basically any computer ever.

So this is an action-comedy that fell flat after 2001 because suddenly joking about that sort of thing wasn't funny anymore. But that's okay, because it's still 1994 here and interference means I can avert most major terrorist actions, as I typically do.

Really, for the most part during that first year I was a polite gentleman in a suit that was hanging out around a guy named Aziz, and constantly being a very polite thorn in his side with an irritatingly fake Russian accent, but only when it suited me. After all, the arms dealer in the film was surely not the only one on their side, and they had to source the bigger military hardware from somewhere.

Which, of course, also meant that a man on the inside (and selling for bargain basement prices because SURELY he is a true believer) is in the right position to wave a hand and make sure that they forget to maintain these oh so reliable Kalashnikovs that jam at an inconvenient time for the sake of the plot. And that the military hardware that they are convinced is so very important turns out to be a badly maintained used helicopter that had a coat of black paint slapped on because the local news station had bought a new one years ago and this was mothballed. And that their supposed nuke really WAS, in fact, a water heater. Just a very cleverly disguised one with some electronic doodads to pretend it's something it isn't.

So, it's of note that the whole incident got covered up nicely, there was never a nuclear detonation on US soil, and due to a few jammed guns the whole incident was more easily hushed up and hidden. Not to mention that there was an issue with electronic devices failing to do their job, video lens caps being left on, and so forth. Though the government made sure that certain organizations had their budgets increased.

Other than that? I was basically the used car salesman of arms dealers, changing identities as easily as changing clothes, and selling sub-par and fake weapons to everyone while working with said organizations in order to make sure that those groups never actually managed to harm anyone.