Ghost in the house, get out, i will take you,
Real estate agent, chill, it’s me,
Ghost, oh hey, have you sold it yet,
Real estate agent, obviously not idiot,
Enemies to friends to lovers, 67 k, ghost a u,

I am absolutely dragging myself through grading my last six papers, it is 9 30 p m, and one of my favorite students has just used the phrase, satan and his gucci gang in his milton essay,
In paradise lost, hell is inhabited by satan and his possy,
This includes satan himself, mammon, beelzebub, belial, and moloc, the mean girls of the afterlife,
They all appear as these immoral beasts under milton’s dense reading but hector are you killing me,
Give hector an a,

Dairy products, especially cheese and yogurt, were found to protect against death from any cause, according to new research,
Assassin, drops empty gun, why won’t you die,
Me, eating my twenty-eighth block of cheese, i came prepared bitch boy,

Hide and seek is such a shamelessly horny game, i’m surprised so few adults seem to ever engage in it,
Do i even want to know why you would say hide and seek is horny,
What, you mean you wouldn’t wanna get hunted down like a wild animal and get roughly fucked once they catch you,
Who taught you how to play hide and seek faust,

Last week i applied to a tea store called teavana and on the application it asked why i left my old job at a pizza place and i said, i guess working in fast food just wasn’t my cup of tea, and it’s been a week and i’m still laughing at myself,
Update, i got the job,

You believe, in stars, fool, those are the holes poked in the container so we can breathe,

Reporter wears grape costume to defend boy suspended for banana suit,
Real recognizes real,

Helpful grammar tip, farther is for physical distance, further is for metaphorical distance, and farther is for emotional distance,
Who hurt you,
My father did you not read the post,

Upper case and lower case cats,
Oh my god,

Hearing people say, i can see you doing that, after telling them what you want to do in life is honestly the best thing ever,
One of the most encouraging things you could hear,

I fucking had to go outside for three seconds to check on the god damn mail and my neighbor and his wife, they were there,
He made a comment about youth staying in pajamas all day and called me lazy,
I’m currently bleeding a bath tubs worth of blood out of my uterus, back the fuck off, i said,
His god damn wife, she turned to me and promised to bring over some midol, fuck that guy, but his wife is a god send,
Update,
It took her forever but she also baked me a chocolate cake and bought me an extra box of chocolate doughnuts, she also brought me the midol as promised, the woman is a godsend,

Seriously like the weirdest feeling is when you eat pure artificial shit for a few days and you feel wrong, and the only way to cure it is to eat something natural fresh and then it goes away,
Baku, i once ate gushers for 3 days with only coke in between and my body just wanted more gushers, do you think i’m dying,
Willow i love you with my entire heart but you absolutely terrify me,

Sometimes people who are sad don’t always need the it gets better talk,
Sometimes people just want to hear, you are sad, you are trying your best, and it’s okay, you’re okay and you’re alive and that’s a big accomplishment,
Because i know for myself unconditional optimism gets really fucking annoying, sometimes i just want to be sad and have it be okay that i’m sad,
Don’t make me feel weirder than i already do in my own skin,

Ah, the crescent moon, the tasteful sideboob of the lunar cycle,
Spongebob narrator voice,

National portrait gallery, national landscape gallery,
Understanding art, lesson one,
This will never not be funny,

Coats and jackets are all too aesthetically fantastic to only wear during the cold seasons,
I think scientists need to stop doing their dumb bullshit and band together to invent a jacket that can be worn whilst it’s hot out,
Vests,
You’re so lucky a computer screen protects you from my hands,

19 99, there are millions of websites all hyperlinked together,
2019, there are four websites, each filled with screenshots of the other three,
I see that this photo has been cropped to hide the fact that it’s a screenshot of a tweet,

I like that at some point a human looked at a sheep and went oh man that looks warm, i wish i was that warm, and then stole all its hair,
Wig snatched,
Millennias of language interpretation have culminated in this,

When did the japanese start eating eggs, a long,
Egg,
For dumbasses like me who don’t speak japanese,

If their music doesn’t sound like it was recorded in a haunted bathroom, i don’t want it,

It bothers me that the intelligence of animals is measured by how willing they are to obey the commands of a human,
Same goes for students at school,
I just realized how fucked up that is wow,

My boss, who is a grown woman with children my age, just whispered, oh, this is going to be so fucking efficient,
Before spraying febreze directly into the ceiling fan and proceeding to cough her guts out when it blew back in her face,
Me,

Starbucks barista, i’ve got a caffe mocha for, russian spy,
Everybody, remains seated and eyes each other suspiciously,
Barista, throwing his c i a badge at the floor in defeat, damn it i thought for sure that would work,
Memes that are funny in 2018 and 19 58,

Iphone white bread case,

I like my whiskey like i like my men,
Twice my age and from scotland,
Smoky, full bodied and leaves you gasping a little,
Left in an oak barrel for at least 3 years, with very little oxygen,
Nowhere near my genitals,

I love when i’m studying outside and a bee is like flower, are you a flower, i check, is laptop a flower, i check, no one here a flower, ciao,
And i wave goodbye saying thank you for visiting little bee,
Bees don’t think in english you fools, you imbeciles,
The bee said ciao it’s obviously italian,

History fact, george washington died in 17 99, 25 years before the first dinosaur was classified,
So therefore, george washington never knew about dinosaurs,
Why does this make me so sad,

God i love being part of the internet’s most monetarily worthless user base,
I love going to bed knowing that at least one social media site isn’t making shit off my presence,
Math time,
1 point one billion dollars paid by verizon,
Minus the purported 3 million dollar buyout,
Divided by numbers of unique users, 380 million in august 2019,
You, personally, cost verizon 2 89 u s d,
And i’d do it again,

The posture of a man,
He wears a t shirt,

Someone who doesn’t watch baseball please explain this picture,
Simple, it’s naptime,
The actual answer is just as funny, bees,

Okay, i’ve got a joke for you, kid, knock knock,
Come in,
I can’t believe he killed harrison ford twice,

Words i use in every sentence,
No,
Stop,
Dude,
Literally,
Like,
Seriously,
That’s a sentence right there,
Forwards and backwards,
You can rearrange them in any order and it’ll be a sentence,

My lesbian farmer g f or, as i like to call her, my crop top,
My lesbian electrician g f or, as i like to call her, my power bottom,
Thank you for the best comment i’ve seen in my fucking life,

I am the tsar tumbler now if you wanna do something you gotta ask me,
Permission to cum sir,
I am no longer the tsar or tumbler,

I tried recreating the spider man meme with a panorama and tripped on my way to the other side,

His name is snart,
Everybody who reblogged this post is going to hell this is a picture of baby jesus,
No his name is snart,

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
Singing ayo,
Despacito,
Y’know what, fuck you in particular,
That’s fair,

Stupidity is a disease and i’m the fourteenth century rat,

Hey if you hated johnny test as much as i did as a kid then you’re now a part of my gang,
I hate this post and everyone in that gang,
You and your whip sound effects aren’t welcome in these parts,

A particularly nice ray of light i found,

I don’t know why but i get awkward when someone compliments me like i d k what to say,
Someone, you look pretty today,
Me, merry christmas,

Vancouver’s notorious knife stealing crow canuck now a father,
Vancouver’s infamous knife stealing crow canuck now a father,
Knife crow is a dad now o m g,

I see a komodo dragon and i think, well that dude fucks,
Ho ho, this is me every time i see someone drinking a ginger ale,
Are you good,
You know those posts made by bots that seem like they could pass off as posts made by actual users, yeah this is like the literal inverse of that,

My favorite emotion is when someone does something kinda foolish and all you can say is i love you in response,

Bartender, thanks for stopping that bar fight spiderman, can i get you a drink, it’s on the house,
Peter, thank you, but i can’t,
Bartender, why not,
Peter,
Bartender,
Peter, trying not to give his age away, i’m pregnant,
Bartender, shook, oh, congratulations, boy or girl,
Peter, now in full on panic mode, it’s an uh, spider,

Me, during sex, what’s wrong,
Her, nothing,
Me, taking off the huge cowboy hat with neon lights that says crab ranch on it, no somethings wrong i can tell,

Honestly fuck viruses they’re not even alive they’re just strands of punk ass d n a that go around fucking up us normal and god fearing life forms you don’t even have a nucleus you stupid bacteriophage looking horizontally transmitting r n a clump,

Thief,
Crumchy,

God nerfed me by making me allergic to garlic and sunlight,
So, a vampire,
I can confirm that i am not a vampire as i have blood,
Is it your blood,
It is blood, yes,

Is no one going to mention how hard it is to make direct eye contact, do you stare in the left or the right i d k,

The first funny bitch was cain, who straight up lied to god after killing his brother,
God, where’s abel,
Cain, fuck if i know, i’m not in charge of him,
It is tragic that you can’t read this in  the original hebrew,
God, where’s the sheepkeeper,
Cain, do i look like a brotherkeeper,

Robin and steve only applying to jobs where they’d be working together because they’re b f fs and know they won’t be able to stand anyone else,
Frequently bought together,
Total price, 16 46,
Do not separate them,

I have this unnerving fear that i’m gonna meet keanu reeves in some tight elevator and his eyes are going to burn into my soul as he tells me the secrets of this universe then bites me on the neck to give me immortality so he’s not alone anymore,
Keanu if you’re listening i’m not a little bitch like op come get a taste,

Do you ever see something that’s just so blatantly wrong that you have to wonder what could’ve possibly happened in that person’s life to lead them to believe the shit they’re saying,
Lesbians, straight men, bisexuals, gays, straight women, literally everyone on the planet,
Being attracted to benedict cumberbatch,

Are there no fireflies in europe,
British person, sees 10 million fireflies, i litcherally con’t believe my eyes,

Yeet,
Yee haw,
The duality of man,
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

You, you kidnapped jack black, that’s illegal,
But kermit, what’s more illegal, briefly inconveniencing jack black, or destroying the muppets,
Kidnapping jack black, fozzie,
Kermit is 100 percent of the other muppets impulse control,

Hot girl summer is over it’s scary woman winter,

I was on a date with this really beautiful girl,
Well, it wasn’t a date, date,
We just ate dinner and saw a movie,
Then the plane landed,

My school principal just quoted Shakespeare and high school musical in the same speech and i aspire to be like someday,

When you hit your brother too hard and you hear your mom’s footsteps,
Hit me back and we’ll be even,

Me listening to piano sonata number 14 in c sharp major, on my way to sell drugs,

Meal prepping has honestly changed my life i cannot recommend it enough,

Inches,
Zero,
Centimeters,
Celsius, kelvin, fahrenheit,
All shouting,

My 1 day old tortoise caught mid yawn,

Me, hurt me,
Her, only one percent of all ancient literature survived,
Me, no,
Her, for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends,
Me, stop,

Pressing your forehead can help alleviate anxiety and stress in social situations,
Me,
Is the stress gone yet,

Gym teachers grandma,
Damn she quick though,

Oh no, i saw a wiggly worm on the pavement and it looked sad and so i said, oh no, mister worm, you are in a very sorry state,
Back into the thicket with you, and i gently put it back into the grass, and then i turned around and there was a teenager laughing at me,
Why are the youth so cruel,

Agus,
People talk about horsepower, but they forget about donkeypower, that’s the power to stay chill and be good buds,
Right on man,

You may be thinking, oh jeebz somebody help, that guy is drowning,
Fear not, he uses his gills to breathe underwater,
Oh thank god i thought i was gonna have to watch the lil guy drown, nice save god,

Not sure whether to use affect or effect,
Affect is the action,
Effect is the end result,
Reblog to save a life,

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the pearly gates,
I personally thought you were very good in mamma mia,
I just keep reblogging this, everytime i see it,

If you step on a person’s foot they open their mouths, just like trash cans,
L m a o why am i still laughing at this,

One time in high school i was waiting to talk to the vice principal and this other kid came in and sat down next to me, he said, what are you in for,
And i said, oh, they just want to know if it’s cool if i miss my classes tomorrow to run sound and lights for a presentation in the auditorium,
What are you in for, and he said that he stabbed a kid with a screwdriver, i told him we led very different lives and he agreed,
Imagine your o t p,

Good ol garf,
Love this garf,
Wait this art style is so soothing,

Once you graduate you turn into communist mario,
I completely forgot what mcdonald’s was,

I googled most pockets on a shirt and while this is only one pocket and not what i was searching for i’m definitely not disappointed,

I turned around to my desk and saw this glory in my magnifying mirror,

Guess who ate, then un ate, what must have been most of a sock today,
Dumb idiot,
It wasn’t even a good sock,
The fact that she’s got a cheesy smile on her face makes this a hundred thousand percent funnier,

Why do i eat so much fucking soup,
Sometimes we want our insides extra wet,
Please do not fucking say that,

My dearest beloved fuckos is a fun, gender neutral way to begin a speech,
See also, esteemed bastards,
Gentlefolk, ferals, and domesticated cryptids,
My fellow yees and haws,

Subs are so fun to play with, all you have to do is hint at what you might do, or back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they’re a wide eyed mess,
Fuck kinda subway are you going to,
Substitute teachers deal with so much shit,

Wake up i miss you,
4 20 blaze it,
Oh,
When you and bay send a message at the same time,

A moment of silence for all the internet friends who you lost track of years ago and still think about sometimes,
Nick jonas 7 on club penguin, if you’re out there,

Me when i bump into some other guy also in the park in the dead of night trying to eat the chicago bean,
A few seconds ago,
Hello my love,
Oh i mean my rival,

Sorry chap i wish i could have an opinion on things but my brain is full trying to memorize all of the a b c’s, there are 26 of them, not showing off just stating the facts,

When friend’s parents pay for your food and you have to pretend you don’t want them to,
Symptoms of uterine fibroids,
Ovarian cyst pain,
What,

Just cause i can’t live off pasta doesn’t mean i won’t live off pasta,
I lived off of almost nothing but spaghetti for 3 years straight and then they had to remove my colon,
That sounds like a you problem,

Gently places a small clump of moss in your hand,
We shall be married in the morning,

You can’t spell success without s,
Suc,
Hey everyone and welcome to my minecraft youtube channel, today i’ll be eating an entire pound of raw shrimp,

Teacher, what are you laughing at,
Me, nothing,
My brain, eel on musk,

When you’re glad schools starting so you can have a regular schedule and things to do again but also don’t want it to start because you know you’ll be constantly stressed about school work,

The other day i politely returned the question, how are you doing, at a driver who asked the same of me, and he replied, oh, you know, same soup just reheated, and i can’t stop thinking about that,

A fairy,
I’m here to grant your wish,
Wish i can talk with ponies,
You’re the shittiest and ugliest girl i’ve ever seen,

I hate that americans can torches flashlights like i get it you’re amazed by simple flashing lights but it already has a name,
What the fuck torch what is this the stone age,

This is honestly what i look like in the minds eye,

Someone playing minecraft with keep inventory on and dying so they can get home quickly has such like, powerful, careless immortal energy,
It’s my minecraft and i choose the die,

I think the reason you gays are so bad at driving is because of your music,
I just left my blinker on for two blocks cause i couldn’t hear it over the carly rae,
Whose grandpa wrote this,
Give me your grandma’s details and it’ll be your,

Are you tired of being nice,
Don’t you just want to go ape shit,
I read this in that infomercial narrator voice,

Years passed, and a new search engine was discovered, a search engine named bing,
And bing couldn’t search for shit,
Everyone died,
And bing couldn’t search for shit, everyone died,

When she says she doesn’t send nudes,

Ow, what was that for,
It doesn’t matter,
It’s in the past,
Yeah, but it still hurts,
Oh, yes, the past can hurt,
But the way i see it,
You can either run from it, or learn from it,

That moment when you download windows 10 on your windows 98 computer,
This is literally inhumane,

Friend bear,
Best friend bear,
Imagine being friend bear and the embodiment of friendship in care a lot and some fuck named best friend bear suddenly comes into town,

Wakes up, runs to the nearest river and starts strangling exotic fish,
Minecwaft,
What the fuck is minecraft i was talking about my real life experiences,

You approach a lonely crab,
He appears to be weeping,
Seduce him,
Devour,
Why is there no console him option, why do you either have to fuck him or vore him i hate this,
In this world, it’s eat or eat out,

Bay always trying to take photos of me l o l, he caught me off guard with this one,
People need to stop saying i took the photo, my husband is white that’s why you can’t see his shadow, i’m not a liar,

Inflation is honestly the strangest shit, like someone r n is thinking of getting blown up like a balloon and they’ve got a boner,
I thought this was about economics at first and that second sentence hit me like a freight train,

You have to sit on some soft grass or, a mattress in the sun sometimes to give your shadow a soft place to rest, she’s always on that pavement, cement, floorboards,
It’s not good for her,
I want everyone to know i was on lethal amounts of benadryl when i made this post,

I’m not going to say this again,
Yes, i am fergalicious, and so delicious,
But,
I ain’t promiscuous,
And, if you were suspicious, all that shit is fictitious,

I ate 6 sandwiches in like 4 minutes and now i can’t move,
I can offer mouth to mouth,
Don’t you dare extract any of my sandwiches,

Every language should be destroyed and we should just communicate with grunts and crude illustrations,
I am learning german on duolingo and i am doing badly and therefore nobody should speak any language at all,