Thread 8: Stories 150-165

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>Chrysalis
"Twilight"
~~~~~
In a dark room, Twilight and Chrysalis converse, The latter proving unusually serious as she relates her information over an ancient changeling tablet

"So why are you telling me this? I mean I appreciate it, and I will try to find a cure or vaccine, but what if I tried to revive it and infect all of you?"

>Because you wouldn't. You trust Applejack's judgement, and you know Shining Armor cares about us too much.

"But why me? Why not Shiny or one of your changelings?"

>Hah! Your brother is great at treating cuts and scraps on those foals he calls an army, but he's not a doctor, and if I told 42, what would she do? Punch it to extinction? The most important reason I tell you all this, in confidence, I might add, is because you are the only one I can think of who might be able to prevent it's return.

Surprisingly, Twilight smiles and nods

"I will prevent it. But, its funny, in this whole conversation, you never told me what this changeling plague was called."

>... Some pony scholars called it Yasta Gunbu, but we called it Cordyceps.

Twilight nodded and slipped the tablet into a saddle bag and left the room.
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>"AJ"
'Spike'
'"Chrysalis"'
-18-

---

>"Well there goes our money."

'"We got nothin'! An' they got away!"'

-Always next time, we always make do.-

'Kinda sucks always just makin' do. Can't we just be rich? Or, at least, less poor? Things aint right.'

-If everything was alright, we'd be in jail, we're crooks.-

'"Nothing! And we were only promised ten percent! Ten percent of nothing is... hm, let me do the math here... nothin' into nothin', carry the nothin'..."'

>"Chrysalis, your mouth is talking, might wanna look to that."

DECLARED NON CANON BY AUTHOR
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>Spike
“Celestia”
‘Luna’
-Cadance-
[Fluttershy]
{Twilight}
~Chrysalis~
+Applejack+
~~~~~~~~~~~

In the grand hall of the castle was where the standoff had occurred, and shortly thereafter, a battle that left the once pristine walls and floors the remnants of a full blown war.

A single purple dragon stood ever alert in front of a delicious, meticulously crafted eight-tier apple cider cake that was topped with two figurines, one in his own visage while the other depicted the mare he would deliver this confectionary beast to.

Even if it killed him.

>We’ve been at this for almost three hours now… just give up and let me deliver this blasted cake!

[Um… w-we can’t let you do that, Spike… if-if that’s okay with you…]

>It’s not okay with me! Nothing about this is okay with me!

{Oh, um, well… too bad.}

“Spike. Dear. All we want is the cake, sweetheart. You give us that, you’re free to go.”

>I can give you a bullet. How ‘bout that instead?

And he lifted Charity in one claw.

~Hahahaha, the little dragon’s got moxie! I likes that! How many bullets ya got left anyway? Three? Two? Surely not enough to compensate for your lousy aim!~

>I have six left. One for each of you. And lousy aim you said? Those were warning shots. These are special Alicorn disabling bullets that I prepared *just* for this situation. Because I knew five fat-assed princesses, and one queen, would come stampeding at the smell of cake.

-Hey! He called me fat-assed! I have a fat ass!-

>Except Cadance. Obviously.

~Obviously. You didn’t really need to specify.~

-Damn it!-

‘Why are we still rambling? We wish to dine on that cake as quickly as possible!’

>Come get some then, Luna. I love you and all but I will not for a second hesitate to wing you.

{Oh, Spike, be reasonable now. Holding all your friends at gunpoint? After all I’ve done for you? My number one assistant?}

>That might have tugged a heartstring or two if you hadn’t tried to gore me with your horn less than three minutes ago, Twilight.

{…Give us the stupid cake!}

>Over my dead body.

~Girls, girls, calm down, I got this. I know exactly what are handsome dragon here wants.~

With a sensuous smirk, Chrysalis whirled around and arched her back, which plumped out her already formidable derriere to mouthwatering proportions. Her tail flicked about invitingly.

~Tell you what, big boy… give us that cake… and you’ll get one night with this booty here. To do whateeeeever your little dragon heart desires.~

>…hm. I got a better idea.

*BANG*

Chrysalis hit the ground in a twitching slump, no visible wound on her person but unable to move anything except her eyes, which were zipping about wildly.

{But she’s not an Alicorn!}

>Works for any creature with a horn and wings. Next?

[Oh dear, oh my! Spike! That’s not very nice, attacking your friends like th-]

*BANG!*

>What, didn’t think I’d notice how you were stepping closer with each word, Fluttershy? I have a mental line on the ground, and you crossed it.

“Oh fuck this! RUSH HIM! GET THAT CAKE!”

'CHARGE!'

>Time to put some work in, Charity.

~~~Later~~~

The door to Applejack’s room creaked open almost eerily and Spike shambled in, pulling the tray with his untouched gift to the apple princess close behind him.

>Special… delivery….

+Oh, Spike! When y’all said ya had a present for me Ah never thought it’d be somethin’ like- SPIKE! Sugarcube, what happened? Ya look like ya done wrestled with a Manticore!+

>Nothing. I’m… I’m fine, just… watch your step out there in the hallway.

+Ah… what? Why?+

>Unconscious… princesses… everywhere….

And without another word, Spike passed out face-first into Applejack’s hip.

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>SA
"Cadance"
~AJ42~
--------
>All right honey, what color is this?

"Two"

>No, this is blue. What about this?

"Five"

>No, red. This?

"Are you sure you don't have your colors and numbers mixed up?"

>Yes, what color is this?

"Four"

>No, green.

~Wait, so all this time you thought I was Applejack Teal?~

"Silly 42, Teal is a number"

*facehoof*
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>SA
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~~

>Cadence! ALL OF MY SECRET CAKE STASH!

Her only response was a loud, deafening belch, and a pat against her much larger stomach.

"Do what you must, I have already won."
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>spike
"42"
'77'
[DT]
-Twilight-
~~~~~
The five enter the airship with bright smiles, Spike, DT, 42, and 77 all lock eyes on the captain's seat in the cockpit

>"['DIBS!']"

They all rush forward and touch the seat at the same time then look at one another

Silence

[So it's come to this.]

"Already we stand at our first impasse"

Twilight flies over the group and lands in the seat

-Actually, there is no impasse. I am part of the alpha team as science and research officer, as well as captain of the ship-

>"['WHAT?!']"

-Look, when the other princesses agreed you all make a formal team, it was felt that you did have some royal oversight, even Chrysalis agreed.-

The other four are already huddled and whispering

'We mutiny once we leave port and maroon her on the next island.'

>We'll spend our days as pirates of the air!

-... Do any of you know how to fly this thing? You know what? Let's find out!-

Twilight hops out of the seat and offers it to the four who approach, realizing she's right.

>Okay, I can fly this thing, I can fly this thing! Left foot, left rudder! Starboard stabilizing adalertudler-! ... Adalertudler? Adlertudler!

-There's no such thing, Spike-

[My turn!]

DT hops into the seat gingerly

[Wait a minute... Earth ponies can't fly! EARTH PONIES CAN'T FLY! We're going down!

>"['AHHHHHHH!!!']"

-We haven't even left the dock yet...-

The four stop clinging to one another looking incredibly shamed

'Ahem... So... After deliberation, the Alpha team accepts you as the ship captain.'

>"[Agreed]"

-Well, good, and I'll do us all a favor and leave this out of the report. now if you all want something you can fly, come with me and I'll show you all the hover-bikes in the back-!-

Twilight is nearly bowled over as four excited agents rush past her

>"['HOVERBIKES!!!']"
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>Chrysalis
"Twilight"
~~~~~

>Well, if it isn't the lavender librarian herself! What bring you all the way down to the empire, off for another little 'play date' with Shiny?

"That's Tuesday. And trust me when I say, I was really, really apprehensive about showing you this, but my need to know overpowered the mountain of common sense that told me to chuck this tablet into a fire and run. I have a problem."

>Oooooh, more Changeling paraphernalia? How do you keep finding these?

"It is WAY easier thanks to 42 telling me how you guys used to hide."

>Alright, let's see what-AHHHHH!

"WHAT!?"

>Sorry! Sorry... bad memories. That, uh, that was Auntie Sciderella. Her colony was... fucking horrifying.

"So then, I take it those spider legs are NOT just for show?"

>She was... efficient in getting love. Had a real problem making it last, though. Tended to eat her targets before she was even done draining.

"Delightful."

>Yeah, even mom didn't mess with her. Just one of those things you did not deal with and prayed they would all die in a fire.

"So the spider legs were natural?"

>Fuck no, they grew those with magic. It was like the weapon trick but hopped up on dream-mushrooms and nightmares. They could hide them too, obviously, which was by far the worst part. Even when we picked up stragglers from other colonies, mom told me not to let any of Sciderella's in, and shoot them if they tried.

"Please tell me they're all dead."

>Thankfully, yes. A lot of them got sick, but they mostly died by the cannibalism. Sciderella thought they were going to turn against her, and...

"..."

>...They gave her indigestion. So whenever you think, "Hey, the awesome Queen Chrysalis was mean back when" I want you to remember. Your brother could have gotten with a giant spider monster instead, and Cadence... well, she did stuff to who she replaced... dissolvey stuff.

Without another word, Twilight chucked the tablet to the side, and lit it on fire.

"Fuck that."

>Come back anytime!
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>Chrysalis
"42"
{Cadence}
-18-
~~~~~

>Move.

"My Queen, you do not have to be so-OOF!"

{Hey! No shoving in the hot tub!}

>I shove who I want to shove.

"She didn't really shove me, more like slid."

-Will you all just shut up, I am SO TIRED.-

>I feel you. This Empire is bullshit.

{Hey! Don't badmouth my Empire!}

-I just signed a military expansion bill, an educational facility expansion bill, eighty freaking zoning regulations, and a bill that makes it illegal to blow up a marshmallow stand. I can call it whatever the hell I want.-

{...What?}

-Don't ask about that last one.-

>So until you work like we work, you can just shut up.

{Excuse me!? I keep my citizens happy and know their leader is looking out for them, thank you!}

>And what good is that?

{Oh, gee, it's not like I need to do that to keep the Crystal Heart charged or anything!}

>...Shit, I forgot about that thing.

"I did too."

-Me too. What does it do, again?-

{It destroyed Sombra and changed normal ponies into crystal ponies!}

>...aaaand?

{And... uh... it makes a pretty light show?}

>...
"..."
-...-

{Fuck you guys!}

>Fine, but you're going to have to come over this way, I'm not moving. 18, you work the front half, and 42 can work the-

{THAT JOKE STOPPED BEING FUNNY FOREVER AGO!}

>You can't beat the classic... besides, it's funny to watch 42 start twitching.

"I AM NOT TWITCHING!"

{...}
-...-
>Aaaand, down she goes.

{You really shouldn't mess with her like that.}

>I know, but it's just so tempting. It's like you and ora-

{SHUT UP!}

>Only one I can't make fun of is 18, she's just like me, down for pretty much anything.

-And now I am going to drown myself. Good day, ladies.

>What do you have against me?

{The fact I actually get some?}

>...18, I do believe I will join you.

{...Girls? You've been under there a while. Are you all okay?... Girls?... Shit, how am I going to explain a hot tub full of drowned Changelings?}
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>Shining
“Spike”
‘Poindexter’
-AJ56-
[77]
________

“Not to knock any hooves around but, uh… why’re we all here again?”

>Because! The mares all got their little gossip group so I figured we, as men, could do with one of our own! To, you know, talk about stuff. Manly stu-

‘God I am so alone….’

>We all are, Dex. We all are.

‘Buffalo shit. If you’re not being reluctantly raped in our DnD games, you’ve got half the mares of BOTH castles after you, Shining!’

“He’s got a point, Shiny.”

‘And Spike, put a jewel in it. You’ve got your pick of two mares, that heavy one with the purple mane and Princess Applejack! You and Shining can both suck a dick so far as I’m concerned. The only one here who could possibly feel my pain would be that one with the bone knife. Why does he have a bone knife…?’

[Keepsake. No, don’t touch it.]

“Hey now, my situation is… it’s complicated….”

‘I don’t even have a situation for it to BE complicated.’

-Wait. Are we here to wax and wane or discuss plots…? I thought we were here to discuss plots.-

>We kind of are, 56. We’re discussing how we never get any plot.

-I feel for you guys. Have you ever licked chocolate milk off a nice, round plot before? It’s the bees knees!

‘Can I be you? Just for like, one day? Three hours max?’

-Nope! But hey, have any of you ever tried, I dunno, just running up and grabbing it? I do that. I do that all the time.-

[How are you still alive, brother?]

“He’s a special case. That’s pretty much what he’s known for, grabbing plots.”

‘So you’re saying if I had come into the castle just arbitrarily grabbing asses then the mares here would have just thought it normal? Seriously?’

>Dex, no offence, but 56 has that ‘childlike innocence’ going for him, like Two. So he can do that and get away with it. You… I think you’d lose a hoof or two.

‘Fuck my life.’

[Are you asking to die? A mercy killing? I can help with that, surely.]

‘Can we exchange seats, 56? I suddenly don’t feel safe.’

-Sure!-

“Don’t feel so down, Dex. You’ll find that special pony sooner or later.”

‘At this point, later seems eternal.’

-You could ask my cuz 29 for some- wait… are you royalty?-

‘As royal as the mage I play in our DnD games.’

-…-

‘Not even a smidgen.’

-Ah, never mind then… he only goes for royalty.-

‘That’s nice to know. And, uh, not gay by the way.’

[If problems of the length are your constant source of depression, then would you like me to cut it off for you? That would free your mind to dwell onto more important matters, yes?]

‘…’
>…
“…”

-…ouch, man.-

[What?]

>Oooookay, I think we’re done for now, yeah, meeting adjourned. Um, good work everyone.

‘Surprisingly, I feel even worse….’

>Well all do, Dex. We all do.

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>Shining
"Spike"
~~~~~

>Sooooo....

"This whole 'Prince meeting' idea is kind of fizzling out at the start, isn't it?"

>In hindsight, did not think this through. There are friggen no male royals.

"Am I even a prince?"

>Eeeehhh, Celestia and or Twilight raised you, and they let Chrysalis into the meetings, it counts.

"So..."

>...

"...How's the Empire?"

>Good, good. On the rise in technology, education, expansion. Super-power status maintained! How's Canterlot?

"Problems are one by one getting fixed, officials are doing their jobs, Wonderbolts are no longer a gigantic sinkhole of funds, getting better..."

>Cool... cool...

"... Want to talk about mares?"

>What's there to talk about? I have a group who wants to sex me every second of the day, and I have my wife. You?

"I'm still kind of between mares."

>Hah! To be a bachelor again. Good times, goooood times.

"...What?"

>...YOU HEARD NOTHING!

With that, he flipped the table, and ran off.

"...I really did hear nothing, what did he say?"

>I said meeting adjourned!
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Spike
"Twilight"
[Charity]
~~~~~

"Hey Spike, what brings you to the lab?"

>Hi Twilight, I was hoping I could get some magic enhanced bullets.

"Sure, what do you need them for?"

>I need them for a special mission to Apploosa. I asked 77 to scout it out for us, but he hasn't come back yet so I'm concerned.

"Alright sure."
Twilight levitates a few boxes of bullets.
"Let's see...here's some Armor Piercing bullets, some fire bullets, some explosive bullets, some shock bullets, some ice bullets, and some hollow points because why not?"

>Thanks Twilight.

"You know while we're at it, I should enchant your revolver to give it a little extra stopping power."

>Oh no, you don't have to-

"Nonsense Spike. You'll need every edge you can get."
She levitates Charity and examines her.
"...Spike? Did you know there's a tiny magic circle on the bottom of the gun?"

[I'm sure it's nothing. We should really go Spike.]

"No, I'm pretty sure that's a magic circle. Typically it's easier to use a jewel for enchanting, but a complex magic circle can be used if they want to keep the enchantment more easily hidden."

>Really? Hm, well I'd probably eat the jewel if I got hungry.

"Spike, this is serious. Somepony's already enchanted your gun and we don't know what it-"

[Uh darling, we don't really have time for this. Shouldn't we go and save 77?]

"Why are you throwing your voice like that and making your gun seem like it talks?"

>I don't know. Some times I do it for fun. Other times it seems like Charity has a mind of her own.

"And you even named your gun Charity? Hm...could you have accidentally created a tulpa?"

[...What's a tulpa?]

"Well, it's kind of like an advance form of an imaginary friend, except it's sentient. Then again, they usually only exist in the mind, so it wouldn't be necessary for them to speak out loud."

[No no, that sounds about right! I'm simply a tulpa. Eheheh...]
If this was an anime you would see sweat drops on Charity right now.

"...but that still doesn't explain the magic cir-"
Spike grabs Charity and holsters her.

>Charity's right. I'm in a hurry to make sure 77 is okay. I'll see you later Twi.

"..."

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>Chrysalis
"Cadence"
'Luna'
~~~~~
Chrysalis and Cadence watch confused as 77 dismisses himself "for the bathroom" and surprisingly followed by a rather somber Shining Armor, Spike, and 56

"So why do you think the boys have been going to the bathroom in groups lately and look so depressed?"

>I don't know, maybe it's a weird guy thing. Maybe they're constipated?

'... You are both idiots.'

>Sounds like constipation to me.

"I bet they like to talk about boy things. Like action figures... Or OnO... Or makeup!"

>Guess it means we're not so different afterall.

'I cannot detest you two more than this moment.'

during this time, 77 stood in his stall, around him his new friends paying their respects to his old ones, not a word was spoken, only speaking in the language of the dead: silence.
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>Applejack
"Celestia"
'Spike'
-???-
~~~~~~~

The two mares sat across from one another, files flying over the table and being either stamped or signed at a speed that'd make Rainbow Dash look slow.

"This... is... bullshit. My hoof hurts, my back aches, my eyes burn from all this straining and perhaps worst of all, my nethers remain unplunged. This day just out and out sucks."

>Because Ah was really cravin' to know the state of yer'... ugh... nethers.

"Hey, we're mares, right? We can talk about such things."

>Not when yer' hoof stops movin' we can't. Get back to wor-

'OH GOD HELP ME!'

Both princesses turned to the door just as it was thrown open and Spike ran in looking harassed, immediately slamming it again and throwing his back to it.

>...sugarcube? Y'all alright?

'No! Nothing's alright! It's here! I don't know how or why but it suddenly just showed up and- it just- I couldn't-'

"Spike, honey, calm down, you're not making any sense and I've got a raging headache."

'Listen to me, we gotta leave right now! And not just the castle, we gotta leave Canterlot altoge-'

Spike was sent stumbling forward when the door was suddenly blasted open and from the darkness reached out two thin legs covered in a bristling black fur that wrapped themselves around the scrambling purple dragon.

-We were having fun! Don't leave now!-

'AAAAAAAAH HELP ME!'

And he was summarily dragged out kicking and screaming, the door closing behind him with a resounding 'click'.

>...

"..."

>Nope.

"Nope."

Nodding in unison, both princesses resumed their work, pushing what had just happened clean from their minds

NON CANON
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>Shining
“Spike”
‘Poindexter’
[???]
~~~~~

>Woo! Guys only Obliques and Ogres night! This is what I am TALKING about!

"It is nice to not have to deal with all the drama from the girls, I admit."

'Kind of a small group, though.'

"Eh, it's okay. I found someone else to bring in. Guy's a total nerd about this too, it's weird."

>Oh? Who is it?

The door slammed open, a gust of wind blowing past with it.

[Behold, mortals. I have arrived.]

>...You can't be serious.

[Enough chatter! We are about to embark on an epic quest! Wrought with danger, horror, intrigue and mystery! The very earth shall shake with our battles! The very sky shall split by my weapon! THE GRAND TALE TURNS IT'S FIRST PAGE!]

>...Spike, you son of a bitch.

"I know."

'I don't get it.'

>Poindexter, meet... Applejack number 29

[NAY! For now, I am Darkwood, wielder of the staff of the blight lord Plauga, slayer of Thunderclaw the great! ALL SHALL KNOW MY NAME!]

'...Does he also-'

>YES. He does. A LOT. Does it while changing into my wife, if you were wondering.

'Ah. Spike, you are a clever little bastard.'

"That I am. Now, with a burst of unholy magic, you find yourselves drawn into a dark vortex, each of you pulled by a power you cannot resist. Before long, you are dropped in front of obsidian castle, stone gargoyles standing on every corner."

[I use advanced initiative to-]

>OH COME ON!

[...What?]

>Let me guess, "I use my advanced initiative to do some kind of mind fuckery so that I can have sex with Shining Armor's character." Am I right? Am I close here?

[...]

'Uh, SA, he looks kind of-'

[How DARE you! I am a monk of the dark arts! My eternal beshadowed soul is bound to my master of the abyss, and NO OTHERS! You... you INSECT to insult me in such a way, to think I would remove my vow of chastity for YOU!? Oh, OHHH, I cannot let this slide!]

>...Oh, sorry, I actually just-

[Rather than scout for possible threats, like I intended, I instead use my initiative to ATTACK SHINING ARMOR!]

>What!?

[I have rolled an eleven with my two D10's, DEFEND THYSELF!]

>...Fine! I can take you! BRING IT!

[...DAMN!]

>HAH!

[I have many tricks up my sleeve! How about THIS!]

>SHIT! Use my dexterity buff!

[YOU SHALL DIE![

>NO, YOU!

'...how long are they going to do this?'

"...Three... two... one."

>HAH! HAHAHAHAAH! THAT'S ALL YOUR HITPOINTS!

[...No... Nooo! How could I have failed my dark master! How could I have let down my fellow bearers of the shadowed arts!? The shame... THE SHAME I BRING UPON THEM!]

In is horror, he races into the corner, now re-christened "Crying Corner MK2", and lets it all out.

>Yeaaah! You suck it! YOU SUCK IT GOOD!

"Hey, Shiny?"

>Yeah, what?

"That's great and all, but your little battle there woke up the stone gargoyle guardians."

>...Ah...

"And you have one little hitpoint left."

>...Shiiiiit.

'...Can I take them alone?'

"Probably not, no."

>Soooo....

"I'm probably going to add another TPK to my scorecard, yes."

Shining Armor did not respond. He simply stood up, moved into the crying corner, and joined 29.

It wasn't long before Poindexter joined him, and Spike walked off smiling.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>42
"SA"
'Cadence'
[AJ2]
-Chrysalis-
{18}
~~~~

>COME ON YOU SISSY! STOP FLINCHING!

"I'm not flinching, you are actually rattling my anti-changeling shield with those hits."

>Then shield harder, damn it!

"What does that even mean!?"

>It means CHANGELING PUNCH!

"OH HOLY SHIT!"

>What? Ready to quit already? You little-

"No, didn't you see that? I rolled!"

>So?

"..."

>...Oh, hey.

~~~later~~~

'Is this safe?'

"Probably."

[WHEEEEEE! AH'M ROLLIN' LIKE THE HAMSTER SHINY WON'T LET ME GET!]

-Why is this so fun!? No, nevermind, don't care, ROLLING!-

{EEEEEE! I want to make little tubes and roll down them!}

-SHINY! TUBEIFY US!-

"And we shall tube, FOR ALL OF TIME!"

'...Bubble me.'

"Can't, need to connect with you to maintain the tube thing."

'Oh no, you call Twilight down here, you connect with HER, and then the tube thing happens!'

"That'll take a bit."

'We'll manage. Time for BUMPER BALLS!'

[YAAAAY!]

"... I should market this..."
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