Kyouko and some others took advantage of the fact that I was extremely drunk and hurting over you to try and push me to adopt an attitude where i hate you, which contributed to me just treating you like shit in dm's. I've had a scary amount of people I guess I call friends telling me to just forget about you and move on and its been so fucked

I don't ever want to be with anybody else.

I've been doing a shitty job at showing it these last weeks, but yeah I really have been trying. I'm somehow managing to keep my school up, learning ins-outs of living by myself for the first time, yes I've been drinking a lot, yes my brain has just done it's thing and tried to cling to distractions but under that I'm making actual concrete progress. I'm done my 2 week drinking bender, really done with alcohol, no matter how encouraged I get. Probably won't have a drop of booze for a long time and that's a promise to myself and nobody else, and I'm in the process of developing the self respect to keep that promise. I'm not going back to whitehorse, I'm not dropping out of school, I'm just going to keep pushing forward.

 You're not wrong saying I became extremely unhealthy for you, I feel like I've hurt you almost as much as I've made you happy and I hate that. I really mean it when I say I've become painfully self aware of my issues, and the best i can do is really really work on them and better myself and it's a slow dynamic process, and with therapy, with cutting alcohol out of my life, with time, I know I can get better. I've been lost in introspection lately, confused and stressed and scared to death and trying to sort my own really fucked up brain out, and yeah I can't just, fix my head alone, but I can make small steps. As for a therapist, I got a new one a while ago, we've had 3 sessions so far in person and over voip and it's going really well, one of the sessions was just me crying over a voice call with her and digging into basically my entire life story, in full depth and honesty, and she seemed to think we could make some progress.. I've put supports in place for myself, have my medications and healthcare figured out, I think this is the first time I've ever been open and honest and real with a professional therapist, and I think it's going well. been trying to get out and do shit, get accustomed to being out in the world more..

 It's meaningful rambling. I love you too kaylee and only want the same for you. Stop saying you tried because you did help. More than you will give yourself credit for, sadly. We've had so so so many incredible experiences together that will never leave the back of my mind, and we've had so many rough patches that have given me opportunities to learn, grow and change. I'm never letting any of that be really for nothing.

I... REALLY want you to listen to your emotions, but I know that would be the wrong choice if I'm not making serious progress... I really really really want to be better, for my own well being mostly, but also in hopes that I can be something positive, and healthy for you. I guess in my head I really really really believe I can make us work out, or at least mature sober calm Taylor definitely can.

 believe me when I say every time I've begged for an answer has been out of drunk dissociation, not deciding if I want to immediately go fuck someone and replace you. It's usually been during panic attacks, while terrified of uncertainty, and it hasn't been fair on you, what you've needed is to really just have your time and think without me being a pushy manipulative cunt about it, and I've taken the time to dig into myself and try to be way more self aware of these shitty parts of me that are manipulative and ridden with codependency. Jeanine thinks she can really help me with keeping a level head in that context, slash some of the codependency.

I just, have been in a fucked up place too kaylee, figuring out what I want, trying to keep myself together alone.. the only reason the thoughts have come up in the first place, and at this point I'd call them intrusive thoughs, about trying to move on and "replace" you, is because ivy came running out of her own breakup, lonely and sad, gave me a shoulder to lean on, I opened up to her and poured all this emotion and shit out, and in return she confessed that she's been crushing on me since we first met all this shit etc etc.. She asked me out, tried to rush me into a relationship, all this shit that just hit me out of nowhere... I've been turning her away, trying to get her to understand that what I need isn't just some mommy to come running to, or a relationship or fking any of that rn, and just... ivy is sadly the same as me. She's acts and does things that are extremely  manipulative and self destructive, and has been pushy and really trying to get me to just move on and be with her. I spent 3 hours last night just trying to keep her breathing,  watching over her and trying to calm her down and get her to lay on her side and keep breathing because she was nearly dying on codeine and alc and in vr for some reason. She's been cutting and drinking and all this shit and just i see so much of what was wrong with me in her..  I'm not going to go "enjoy other people", that's not what I need at right now at all. I don't want that. I don't want other people. You and I have a real serious connection that I don't ever want broken..

I've said a lot of shit to a lot of people that hasn't been at all from the heart, or from what I really want, I've just been so sandwiched between all these fucked up emotions to an extent that I'm really mentally underequipped for and it's hard, I know to you if someone says something they at least meant it a little bit, no matter what, and I know it's just going to be hard, impossible maybe, for you to empathize with how poorly I handle my emotions, really really really really especially when I'm drinking.

In my head I'm still yours, all of my heart, all of me and I'm pretty solidly sure that is actually never going to change unless I forced it and I don't want that at all.

You've never really mistreated me, or cheated, or lied to me and I'm not going to go around telling people shit.

I want it to be a break from eachother so badly, even if we make it a long fucking break. If we need to just step tf back and maintain a friendship at least, as much time as needs to pass, as much progress as needs to be made.

I would never cut you off, and you don't have to worry about me doing anything dangerous or harmful or stupid. I know this shit has been hard on you kaylee, both of us are kindof a mess, I just want you to know that you're really really loved, not some "caretaker figure" kaylee, not as a person for me to just run to and cling and ignore my problems, not some persona / part of you that you developed just to make me happy, but real raw kaylee.. I would do anything in a heartbeat for you to really feel it

Please give me the chance to show some improvement without alcohol.. I'm done my stupid coping bender, and my straight up alcoholism is something I want to get the fuck out of my life, hopefully the same way I cut nicotine out.

It's fucked up but I'm still your girlfriend in my heart

anyway actions speak louder than words but fucking hope these words mean something to you, something you can believe

I'll leave it at that and sort my shit out