Keitaro's Failing [8/4] Angery

[22:19] Ardith says, "I feel like going for a walk. Can talk about it while I stretch my legs if you want."
[22:19] Keitaro says, "Sure. Why not."
[22:19] Ardith says, "Gotta give you the lowdown on the ruins too. Was nice stuff."
[22:19] Alura removed the cloak from her shoulders, offering it back to the man as she allowed her flames to warm her for a moment.
(Alura Kana)
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[22:20] Keitaro says, "Oh- yeah. I almost forgot..."
[22:20] Keitaro says, "I was caught up with politics."
[22:20] Keitaro says, "Never involve yourself in politics, Ardith. It's terrible."
[22:20] Ardith says, "So long as politics ain't harm me? I won't fuck with it."
[22:20] Keitaro says, "People just refuse to let go of their grudges."
[22:20] Ardith says, "But you already know this, Kay, but I kinda' do what I want."
[22:20] Ardith says, "Yeah. That's true."
[22:20] Keitaro says, "It's like everyone's going..."
[22:21] Keitaro says, "Hey, that guy's guys did something fifty years ago."
[22:21] Keitaro says, "Fuck him. Let's war."
[22:21] Ardith says, "Y'know. Sounds more and more like whatever the Archon in that old castle was saying was true."
[22:21] Keitaro says, "I'm trying to break that cycle of hatred. Whatever it takes."
[22:21] Keitaro says, "I already made an oath. One that might, well-"
[22:22] Keitaro says, "Cost me everything."
[22:22] Seeing that she sorely missed the festivities thanks to a certain dumb occultic lizard, a walk sounds just about right. And, outside of the Dreadwoods, there's one spot that she favors.

A nice bench over looking the sea where old Atl used to stand.

"Yeah? Who'd you go making oaths too, hot shot?"
(Ardith)
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[22:26] In the meantime, Keitaro doesn't look exactly in the best moods. For one reason or another, the tournament felt like a set up, but... he tries not to think of it. Besides, the things he failed upon - he could always improve later. He was always telling himself that, which is the only reason why he didn't give up yet.

"Caira is supposed to be doing an honor battle against someone from Briar Locke, over Laemor's sword, all to establish the peace."

"I'm... also usually talking with Pride Sin, Ashalle, and she would be most displeased if this whole deal were to fail. In other words-"

"If the peace fails, Caira and people under her as Warchief would take my life, because I've sworn on it upon demand. If Ashalle is displeased, she could probably kill me anytime."

A pause. He sinks a little forward, leaning with his elbows upon his thighs, two hands holding up his chin.

"I'm screwed. Bigtime."

"If something goes wrong, even tiniest detail, I'll be sentenced to death. This... this fragile peace is holding up on my bold and courageous move and the promises I made, and cunning talk I spoke to both."

"Basically, it holds on my balls and my tongue."

Quite a way to say that. Where'd he pick it up?
(Keitaro)
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[22:32] The Accursed, to her credit, still tries to boost the Shenlong's spirits. It's hard when you literally ooze occultism constantly. But hey. The thought and effort is there.

She flinches as he expounds upon his predicament, yet still offers a comforting hand to just behind his shoulder.

"Well...so they do the honor battle, right? And then it's good? Or do you mean that if Ashalle doesn't win it back, she's gonna be pissed and gut you?"

Politics. She already doesn't like it. Give her her laboratory or a nice bottle or literally anything else any day.

"You ain't screwed until the final bell rings. I don't think I can be a lot in the way of help here. Y'know I still got two hands though, yeah?"

If it were whispering into minds? Talking to demons? Illyothian ruins or research of a multitude of varieties? She'd be of more help. This is none of those things. It's actually pretty much the opposite.
(Ardith)
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[22:35] Staring somewhere out in the ocean, while he acknowledged the hold of her hand just behind his shoulders, he didn't seem to pay all too much attention- his mind was pre-occupied with myriad thoughts, thinking about all that could go terribly wrong with this.

"Well.. no."

"The honor battle is for Laemor's sword, but regardless of the outcome, there will be peace talks. It's just the fact that I realize not everyone in Briar Locke might be willing to upkeep that peace."

"And I know for a fact that certain people lost their family or lovers in this war. They won't be happy when they're told that vengeance shouldn't be a thing anymore."

Still, a pause. It's true enough - it's not over till it's over, and so long as he was breathing and free, he had things to do.

"I'll be doing my best to uphold peace once it starts."

"Until then, it's cease-fire. Both sides had finally agreed to stop attacking one another, after I was convincing them for a very long time, but..."

"It's still difficult, knowing all that can go wrong. Guess we'll see."
(Keitaro)
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[22:40] The offer for help falls flat, but that's about what she expects. Her hand lowers and she leans forward in a farcical mimicry of his brooding posture. She hunches her shoulders and rests her chin on her hands.

"'Course they don't. But why would Cruxati's people kill you if Briar decides to be vengeful bastards?" she asks plainly.

"Carai's pretty reasonable. So's Kab seems so too. Hell, him and Saba allowed me to do my research here fresh from Dawn.

"There any point really worrying about it more than that? What's gonna happen is what's gonna happen. There's nothing else you can push into place or do anymore politics-wise, is there? You're all caught up in this, in this crusade for peace. It's great, don't get me wrong, but you're missing out on living, Kay.

"Everyone deserves to have a lil' fun and levity, Kay. Even 'dragons' who bite off more than they can chew."
(Ardith)
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[22:45] Unfortunately, he couldn't even imagine how exactly Ardith could help. Even then, if she were to get caught up with this... he realizes that she could jeopardize herself in many different ways, ones he could not forgive himself for, assuming anything happens to her.

He rather takes upon this burden alone.

"Well.. the reason they would kill me is because I've sworn an oath. It's... more of 'trusting' me, I suppose, because as far as things go, they don't really trust me. At least, not Caira."

"It's why she made me swear that oath, but.. it's fine. I'll be protecting that peace on my own as much as I can, and directly challenge anyone who wishes to disrupt it."

"I'll.. even announce that, actually, that anyone who wishes to protest or disrupt this peace can go see me."

At least that way it would be obvious that he was trying to preserve it. What else could he be blamed for, if he tried his best? As for the point in living..

"...I think I'm living fine."

"It's stressful and exhausting to be involved in all of this, but there are things that matter more than my pleasures or being lax."

"Things like Agartha's future. My own indulgence can wait."
(Keitaro)
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[22:48] "...Look, Kay," Ardith says with a sigh, dropping her playful mockery.

"I can't exactly tell you not to do this. Can't tell you to not go on some weird one-man crusade to try and save the continent but..."

Her words fail her again. This isn't research, these aren't her studies. She starts skirting that territory again of trying to describe a feeling. The Accursed goes for the simplest words possible, turning away from the sea to stare at the Shenlong.

"You fuckin' worry me, to be honest."
(Ardith)
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[22:54] It's true, she couldn't tell him to drop it out. In fact, even if she were told him to do so, it simply wouldn't work - he's been already a captive in another place, in a place where he almost died three times.. and despite so many near-death experiences, despite the things that tormented him..

He never let go of that mindset.

For better or worse, his willpower was unbreakable, almost to a fault. If he was able to set his mind on something, it was nigh impossible to sway him away from it - no matter how much pain or how many failures he would experience. But...

He can tell something is wrong with how she stares at him. With the way she speaks about it.. and that causes him to frown, albeit making a tiny one.

"It matters to me, you know.." A tiny mutter, and those hands under his chin slide over his lips- but not muffling him, merely covering them.

"People told me that I'm worthless. That I can't do anything. That just because I wasn't born a certain way, I won't be able to do much - and that things are always meant to be a certain way."

That frown deepens. All those memories flooding in.. but that wasn't bitterness or sadness anymore. No, nothing like that - it was determination to prove them wrong. One step at a time.

"But I refuse."

"I refuse to think that things are always meant to be a certain way. I refuse to cater to the notion that the popular must always rule, or that they should have a way with fates of others - and I hate that Agartha almost has a will of its own. How many tragedies it spawned.."

"And I don't think I can rest until that changes. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

As unfortunate as it is, that's what he was.
A blessing and a curse to him.
(Keitaro)
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[22:58] The Accursed feels her heart sink lower and lower, watching the frown, listening to his soft, muttered words.

"I know...I know it matters to you. It ain't the crusade you're on that I'm worried about. You got a good goal, Kay, and you got a great heart and a good head, even if your horns ain't as good as mine."

It wouldn't be her if she didn't throw in some weak attempt at humor.

"The part I worry about is you thinkin' you have to do all this alone. Change is good. It's fuckin' great. And I could think of a few people, myself included, that'd agree with you. You can't change a whole continent on your own though.

"And you've already made one huge mistake. I don't know what those angel-fucks in Leven told you, but you ain't worthless. The fuck do they know about how the world's supposed to be? Their opinion shouldn'tmatter. It's bunkum."
(Ardith)
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[23:03] 'Have to do it alone.'

Maybe he didn't have to. Maybe it would be a lot easier for him if he actually got help from someone else- but in reality, he didn't wish to ever subject anyone to that torment which he experienced. All those things said, all those things done to him.. even if he tried to forget, he just wouldn't be able to.

But it's what drove him further. He would have his entire life torn apart and broken in the most horrible ways possible if it would mean that this change would come. Perhaps, it would be a fall.. because some people who tried to bring this change to Agartha became something ruthless, cruel.

He knew it was a sacrifice instead. He knew the difference between fall and sacrifice all too well.

"I don't want anyone to be hurt by any of this."

"I mean... you know what happened to me. Everyone I ever cherished turned against me, someone I loved abandoned me. I nearly died three times, I was tormented in most horrible ways possible. I was disregarded and hurt many times in all possible ways - but it's simply part of trying to reach out to people like that."

"People don't like when you expose them to truth. They don't like when you drag them to change - and often, they're kicking and screaming about it."

He could not imagine anyone else enduring this. After all.. as far as he knows, the people who tried, they ended up walking darker roads. And yet.. he muses her words with a laughter, his gaze idly shifting to her.

"But, ah..."

"Who would I have to help me, anyway?"
(Keitaro)
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[23:16] Wasn't she, in her own way, trying to improve the continent. She had her own lofty goals, research she was excited for, things that could, in time, change the face of Agartha and the livelihood of so many.

Talking about it out loud or too often though was a good way to get funny looks. Not that it's stopped her from pursuing what she does. There were dangers in her own work. Not political, but there was just as much risk of being ostracized.

She has determination of her own, steely but hidden.

However it does nothing to soften the blow that Keitaro's laughter and his words do. Intentional or not, there's another one of those sharp stings.

When she slumps this time, it's for real. There's no joking, no playful mockery, no pretense. She simply sags in her seat and looks out to sea.

The loudmouth Accursed opts to remain dolefully quiet.

(Ardith)
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[23:21] It would be a lie to say that he feigns ignorance.

If anything, he actually fully realizes why she's acting like this; of all things, she would be the one willing to help him, or so he feels, but.. considering his position, and the oaths he was made to swear? He doesn't want anyone else to ever experience such things.

Perhaps for the first time, he straightens himself up, only to slowly place an arm around Ardith. It isn't meant with any criminal or hidden intent.. but to simply share the warmth - one that she may or may not decline. In any case, his lips part, speaking a quiet mutter, close to her ears as well.

"I just don't want you to be hurt. Or anyone I value, for that matter."

It's a quiet promise, spoken in the dark of the shores, a cliff upon which they both gaze at the ocean. Aside of the hand that sought to embrace her like this, another reaches up to her hair, stroking it carefully- it's meant to be soothing, to carefully caress her head and hair alike.

"It's dangerous out there, Ardith. People die. I have to risk everything I can, and look over my back at all times."

"It sounds good on the paper, but.. it's really not. I hope you understand."

In the end, he didn't wish to hurt her like this.. it was only a way to protect her.
(Keitaro)
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[23:27] It's nice. It's so much rarer too. To share warmth, a touch. She misses it. She miss it so much. The simple embraces, the tracing of fingers, the more carnal indulgences.

Ardith leans into the hand at her hair, relishing it. If given the opportunity? The Accursed could enjoy it all the night long.

But then he goes and spoils her enjoyment with what he says. Suddenly the touch feels...demeaning. Painful. Acerbic.

"...I'm never gonna get to travel with you. Am I?" she asks softly.

"This ain't...this ain't ever gonna be a thing. Is it? You thought about it, huh?"

And there it is. Her heart sinks down, down to the bottom of her chest. Foolish creature she is. Foolish. Stupid. Vile.
(Ardith)
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[23:34] Even if it felt that way.. he didn't mean it, but he well realized by now what Ardith was speaking about. She wanted more. More than just this idle conversation that they share, the apparent pursuit of different goals in his life.. and he can tell that much by how she relishes in the touch he gives her.

"It's difficult.."

So much, that he isn't even sure where he is. There were many things about, the things that he could never speak of, but.. it feels painful to lead her on. It feels simply wrong - for he realizes that she would rather have that touch.

"I don't want anyone to be threatened by what I do, because what I do is.. too much."

A sigh. If he could, he would soften the blow, allow her to feel anything about him - just so she wouldn't have to suffer through it. But what should he do?

"..Ardith, I don't want to make you feel like you owe me anything, or that I'm your only thing in this world."

"Because I'm terribly unreliable in that regard. I fear that I could silently disappear into the night.. never to return, if something were to happen to me."

"So if.. if you want to move on.. I won't hold you."

It's painful, so much so that.. this might be a better solution than letting her endure any further. The touch upon her comes to a halt, almost dropping.. perhaps, he was letting her decide.

Or perhaps, the night just got colder.
(Keitaro)
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[23:47] Ardith doesn't feel the warm of touch anymore. No longer is there a soft, welcome caress against her hair. It's gone. There's only the chill of the night and the constant, cool thrum of the occult that cloaks her. There is no warmth in it. There might never be.

Really, she'd tried to brace herself for something like this. In a way she had. This particular brand of what Keitaro offers isn't something she'd been prepared for.

A warmth that was given only to be pulled away. That is what she hadn't been ready for. Ephemeral and fleeting.

"You...

She struggles to find words. They aren't there. There's a hum in the air like a radio frequency. Where words alone fail she tries to use something else. But telepathy is a fickle beast.

It worms its way into the Shenlong's mind like a clawing intruder, painful until it settles itself in. Ardith doesn't transmit only words so much as feeling and tone.

Longing. Despair. Pain. A dash of betrayal.

'You don't...you don't want me...'
(Ardith)
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[23:55] It felt terrible because he knew how it feels like.

But to say that he would be doing her any justice by making her believe otherwise would be false.. and perhaps, in a way, this would be better for her. Unlike the cruel demi-angel that exploded in his face that day, the one that not only gave him a heartbreak, but also tormented him in so many ways..

How was he supposed to make it any softer?

Instead, he only fell silent. He had no words either, and no words that could make him explain it to her properly.. for a simple fact that Keitaro is just not cut out for this sort of thing. She wouldn't be happy with him.

"Ardith.."

It's difficult. So much, that he doesn't even know what to say.. but it's better for him to not remain silent. It's better if he can actually soften it, at least somehow.. at least to not be cruel about it, like Thalia was to him.

"I'm sorry, but.. I can't. The travel, it's.." A sigh. "It's not the way you envisioned, I'm.." Not made for this, not ready. "I'm not able to give you what you want."

There was only hope that she could find someone more fitting, someone better at this than Shenlong himself. Someone who could actually make her smile.. because he couldn't bear to see her like this.

"If-- if you want to speak out, that's okay.." Because he knew that she would be frustrated, so much that she could cry out.

"..I owe you that much."
(Keitaro)
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[00:05] "But you said..."

The words become overlapped, that digging, scraping telepathy and spoken words.

"You said we'd travel together. You SAID..."

It didn't matter what he'd said. What promises he'd made, did it?

It's like she thought, like she'd worried, like she'd hoped against hope wasn't going to be true. Why should she expect something good and pure and sustaining when half of the continent or more reviled her and her bargain.

"You said we'd travel together. YOU SAID..."

To give that touch and take it away is a different kind of cruelty. Those heartening promises of walking in the open, seeing more of the world, worrying less about potential knives in the dark.

Where the warmth ebbs and drains, occultism swarms to take its place. The cloak around her grows denser and in her mind she can hear only static and the distant pumping of blood through her heart.

What excuses will he have now? More of them? A man of 'oaths' with more broken promises?
(Ardith)
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[00:13] To him, it has become something more than just the travel. He realized that somewhere along the line, the woman had desired a lot more than he could offer to her.. and while the promise of travel was something he could uphold, he feared that it could quickly become something he could not give to her.

He wouldn't be able to give her the same longing.

"Ardith, please.."

The warmth has been cast aside, and he knows that much.. but an idle hand reaches out to hers, carefully trying to cup it. It's a slow, gentle action he does not force upon her - merely hoping this would bring her back to reality of things, to get her to snap out of it.

"It is dangerous out there, but I can still travel with you.." A silent pause. He promised to travel together, but.. "It's just I cannot give you anything beyond that.." A mutter.

"I don't think I can look at you the same way you look at me.."

And because he knew that the fate could twist this in the most cruel ways. That this attachment would only hurt her more somewhere along the line.. and she might be better off with someone else. Someone worth her time, not him.

"So please.."

"Don't.. don't think of me this way. I'm not worth your time. I'm not worth your fury, or your frustrations.."

"I can't do this to you.." To let her think that he saw her that way?

In the end, he knew how it feels like.. and he couldn't blame her for reacting this way. All he could do is at least preserve her dignity with this.. it wasn't her fault she grew attached to someone who isn't worth it.
(Keitaro)
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[00:22] There is something that causes the Accursed's fragile state to snap. A simple, muttered phrase through the static.

"I don't think I can look at you the same way you look at me..."

Of course. Of course the flirtations had been hollow. The sly, smirking offers to share warmth in a tent had meant nothing. Then there was the even more recent offer for a meal. What kind of idiot would've thought it could've ever been otherwise?

She wants that warmth. She truly does, but what he offers in that touch is a consolation prize. An insult. Her hand, still gloved, lingers then recoils. It has better things to do. Like hide her face.

It all comes full circle. Many things do in life. It's funny that way. Just as she'd seen him a complete and utter wreck shortly after their first meeting, she too now devolves.

The Accursed devolves into a sobbing mess right there on the bench, trying her best to curl inward as a defense.

A few errant sprigs had been doing their best to grow up through the cracks in the stone. There are patches of moss that dot the rocks on the cliff nearby.

All near her starts to wither, to grow brown, then grey, then to dust.
(Ardith)
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[00:30] In so many ways, he felt horrible for this. But what can he do? To force himself to view her that way... wouldn't it be wrong to just use her like that, and then break her heart even more? Perhaps, all the things he said to her were wrong in many ways, but.. now, he was lost. Lost at his own shortcomings of failing to fulfil the temptation behind these words.

A sigh. The least he can do is not to be absolutely horrible about it.. and that much he does. Even as her Occult pulses nearby, even if he feels sick at such notion due to being holy magic.. he stays nearby.

His hand reaches up, only to be carefully placed upon her head instead, giving a stroke to her hair- but he's careful in doing so.. he doesn't want to give her any false warmth upon which she can think such things, merely consolation for this.

"Ardith, I'm so sorry.."

For being unable of being her light. For not becoming something meaningful to her.. because way too many things changed in his life. Way too many things that he could go on with..

"I.. hope I can do anything to make it up to you.."

But what can he even do? He imagined that she would cry out at him, to tell him to get lost.. but perhaps, that's what she needed - for him to no longer appear in her life. But.. he doesn't know until she says so.

"I hope you can find someone better than me.."

Someone who could actually give her what she wants.
(Keitaro)
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[00:35] A consolation prize. That's all she ever gets.

Jun would hardly touch her, would hardly listen. And now Keitaro offers a consolation prize. She doesn't know which, objectively, is worse.

Do any of the advances on her, ever, mean anything? Was it all built on lies? Who's going to love a wretch like her. In a city with growing ranks of holy magi and Huangzhou incursion, who?

"...Why?" she chokes out through sobs.

"Wh-why? Why did you do this to me?"
(Ardith)
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[00:39] Even now, he couldn't bear to look at her like this. He may not see her the way she saw him.. but she was still his friend - even if that friendship would sink after this, he couldn't bear any ill thoughts to her. She cannot be blamed for this.

But whether it's better or worse, he knows not. Keitaro isn't a lover.. and he knows that much. He makes a poor companion for such things, and it is perhaps why someone chose over him in the past - and for that, he distanced himself from this concept.

"I thought it was something innocent.. something that people just do." But he was clueless. The entirety of his younger years passed without this.. and when he entered adult world, this could spell out a disaster.

"I didn't mean to hurt you.." That much is true.. but what does his intent mean when the damage is already done? "I was just lost at a time.."

"I'm sorry.."
(Keitaro)
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[00:46] His excuses fall hollowly against her head.

The implication of it rattles around far louder in her skull. And of course her magic is there to make it all worse. Even now the whispers from the ring gain purchase and seep into her thoughts.

The things they say are unkind, but Keitaro proves them all the more true.

She'd becoming a plaything again, hadn't she? Tugging on strings as if there'd been no consequences.

The thought is maddening.

Ardith wails and screams, a cry fit for a banshee, and a pulse of dark wind accompanies it to knock Keitaro away from her. She doesn't want to be touched. She doesn't deserve it. All hollow. Hollow, meaningless.

The Accursed is not typically one to retreat. Bullheaded, she holds her ground. Tonight is an exception. An ill wind rises and makes a cushion beneath her hooves; she sprints headlong, aimlessly, through the jungle to the north and into the dark.

No sign is left of her passing except for the patch of dead moss and grass.
(Ardith)
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[00:51] She'd hate him for this, and he couldn't even blame her for doing so.

But perhaps, somewhere along the line he deserved it.. for his own ignorance on how human emotions feel, and for making her believe in false things. However, when she knocks him aside.. he barely resists, save for shielding himself - he didn't see it as anything he did not deserve.

"Ardith..!"

Should he accompany her like this? There were so many doubts, thinking of what would be worse, or better for this, but.. in the end, he knows one thing - he hurt her enough already. And where she aims to sprint off..

He doesn't follow. Not because he's cold-hearted like this - but because he's afraid to do even more damage.

"Ardith, I'm sorry.."

And yet, these words would fall on deafears. All that he can do is watch.. and hope that she could endure this pain. Not for him, but for her own future.
(Keitaro)