Thread 2: Stories 75-90

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>Shining Armor
"Cadence"

~~~~~~~~~

"....Sweetie?"

>Zzzzznghlk-uh? Wassit?

"Do you think we're good rulers?"

>I think fuck o' clock in the morning is the wrong time to ask, honey.

"It's just... I really do try."

>I know you do, darling.

"But I spent all of my highschool days having fun and goofing off. I didn't know I was going to have all this responsibility!"

>I know, I was there. Goofing off with you.

"I'm just so unsure... maybe I should let Applejack have the Empire and just go back to being a normal pony."

>Because the giant pink love-alicorn can just disappear into a crowd. Also, don't even consider giving it to Applejack.

"Why not?"

>She'll use it to torment me. Don't you love me? Do you REALLY want to see what happens when she has absolute power over me?

"She's not that bad."

>Applejack 2, back me up here.

ZZZNkmhmzzzzz

>Applejack 2 agrees.

"Oh that's just silly, she's a nice pony. Twilight, back me up on this one.

'Hrnkzzzzno mommy, dun' wanna eat it, soybeans is ponies!zzzzzz'

"See?"

>Let's just... let's just resolve to do better tomorrow. Okay?

"I suppse that's all we can do. Goodnight, love."

>Goodnight sweatheart.

".....So are we going to talk about this? These 'nightmares' are making the bed crowded."

>Let's just ignore the problem and hope it goes away.

"That sounds smart."

"'ZZZZNu-uh! YER bad in bedzzzzzdun need ta changezzzzz""

"Definately the right way to go."

~~~~~~~~
Yes, that was Chrysalis at the end. I ran out of indicators.
_______________________________________________________________________________________


"Shiny!"

>And now you're saying it. The last visage of my authority crumbles away before my eyes, and I have naught the power to stop it.

"You're silly! I just wanted to ask if we're out of those little square things."

>Clarify. The square things filled with chocolate or the square things filled with my most cherished memories.

"The second one."

>In the corner.

"Yay!"

>Please, by all means, help yourself to my wedding photos.

"Thanks! It was a nice wedding, er, at least I'm pretty sure it was."

>....It was.

"Wish you were more quiet the night before."

>Please, let me keep repressing that.

"Nu-uh! Chrysalis's face is funny when I bring it up!"

>I will sick my sister on you.

"*GASP*! Really!? Can we go shopping too?"

>Wait, not what I meant-

"YAAAAY! I'm gonna go get my shopping hat!"

>Oh dear Celestia, what have I done?


_______________________________________________________________________________________

*Shining Armor is in the shower of a lavish bathroom, golden faucets and showerheads line the marble walls*

*Shining Armor whistles to himself as he lathers conditioner into his mane. The door to the bathroom slowly and silently opens, and Cadance walks in*

>Yoo-hoo Shiny! I'm sorry I've been so distant lately but running the kingdom is just so STRESSFUL.

*Cadance steps into the room, a seductive look on her face. She walks into the stream and presses her body against her husband's*

>So, Shiny, I figured I'd help you out in the shower, maybe we could both work out a little stress. *wink*

Stop it. Just go.

>What? Why? I'm trying to he-

You aren't fooling anyone Applejack 2. Give up the act.

>Apple-who? I'm your wife Shiny!

You're embarrassing yourself.

*a bout of green flame engulfs Cadance*

>*sigh* fine... What gave it away? I was sure that would work, I practiced for days...

Honestly? That look on your face. The second I saw it I knew it wasn't her. She hasn't looked at me like that in... gosh, I can't even remember. how long. I hoped for one instant it might be real but reality took that pretty quick.

Mind giving me some privacy, Applejack 2?

>Sure. S-sorry... I won't do it again, I prom-

Leave!

*Applejack 2 backs out of the room*

One nice thing about showers... Nopony can tell if you're crying.

-----------

I'm declaring this 100% not canonical, I'm not sure I like how it turned out. It's not super well written and I'm not sure I like the idea of AJ2 coming on to Shining Armor OR how it was executed, so I may delete this all together.
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>Applejack 42
"Shining Armor"
'Applejack 2'
~~~~~~~~~

>Oh goody, you are here again. Back for another round of getting your pathetic ass stomped into the ground?

"Huh? Oh, hey Applejack 42. Didn't see you there. No no, I'm just out with Applejack 2."

'We're gettin' waffles!'

"We're getting waffles."

>O-oh. You... you sure you don't want to fight? You might get me this time.

"Nope. No can do, promised waffles and I've got to deliver. Besides, Twilight's waiting for me with Cadence. Don't want to keep them. I'll do something with you tomorrow or whenever."

>G-good! And I'll kick your ass then too!

"Yeah, probably. C'mon Applejack 2!"

*In the distance* 'I'm already gone!'

"Hey! Wait for me! Ugh, kids these days."

>....I like waffles.

"What's that? Didn't catch that."

>I said I'll be waiting to smash you like a pumpkin!

"M'kay. Later."*leaves*

>.....Maybe my Queen will share her movies or something. That would be nice.
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>Applejack
"Shining Armor"
'Cadence'
"'Twilight"'
~~~~~~~~~~~

>Well, this is a peculiar sight.

"She said, not getting her waffle on. Pull up a chair and join us."

"'Yeah Applejack, these things are to DIE for!"'

>Ah bet, but Ah'm here on official business. Princess wanted me ta' ask Cadence somethin', and seemed pretty insistent about it.

'Nothing's wrong I double checked everything!'

>Now calm yer' giant cake filled rump, it's nothin' bout the empire. But this is still serious, Cadence. There's been some concerns that ya' got some work done. Some very... specific work.

'W-what!?'

>Well, seein' as how ya' were plump as a swelled tick the other month, and now ya' ain't....

'...What.'

>Ah'm jus' sayin'.

'Are you... are you seriously insinuating...'

>Now now, we can fix it, ya'll and Shiny there need ta' get together an-

The sonic boom from the burst of speed that followed left tiny, hairline cracks in the surrounding crystal making up the structure. These would have been noticeable if not for the giant gaping hole in the top of the building that dear Applejack had left as she was rocketed into the sky.

There was a long, tense moment that followed, before Applejack fell back through that very hole and landed right into the outstretched arm of the pretty pink princess of HATE.

'I. DID. NOT. HAVE. AN. ABORTION.'

The twinkle of crystal falling to the ground was the only sound for the longest time.

>....Now, ya' see, Celestia was thinkin' more... liposuction?

'...OH! Oh, no, no no no, I just had my cake budget slashed.'

>...oh, right, Ah' did take pretty much all yer' budget, didn't I? The reaction ya'll gave explains why Celestia was so insistent too.

'Wow, I just realized I screamed that in the middle of a crowded restaurant.'

"Already paid them off to keep quiet."

>Shiny, Ah' am so proud of you. Yer' comin' into yer' own as a politcian... now get me to a hospital.

'Can do.'
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>hey clestia?

Please, if you must make it quick.

>nothing of the usual, just a quick history question

Yes, my dear Applejack?

>so whatever did luna get banished to the moon for a thousand years ago for anyways?

Oh, it wasn't just one banishment.

>what.

She used to get in trouble and get banished consistantly just to avoid work, the sly mare.

>I beg your pardon?

The lazy thing with luna didn't just spring up over night, I'm just too tired and lazy to banish her regularly now.

>I don't know where to even begin with this
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>Shining
"Applejack 2"
'Cadence.'
"'Chrysalis"'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Dear Celestia, this feels nice....

"SHINY!"

>GAH NO! NO NO NO!

"What?"

>YOU! OUT! NOW!

"B-but I thought you said I could stay here!"

>Not when I'm in the shower! This is Shining time!

"Oh c'mon. I just wanted to play.... erm.

>Just found out whatever boardgame you had wasn't waterproof, didn't you?

"...yeah."

>Clogging up the drain?

"Uh huh."

>Aaand YOW! Yep! Pieces on the ground!

"I had some legos too in case you wanted to play with them instead.

>NOTICED!

"...I'm... I'm gonna go read your comics. That okay?"

>That's fine.

"...are ya' mad?"

>....Not enough to make you sleep somewhere else. Go play.

"M'kay."*leaves.*

>She does't mean it, Shiny, she just wants to-OW FUCK! Why are there so many pieces!?

*Cadence enters with a sultry swish*

'Oh sweetie~ I was wondering if you wanted a little... Cadence time with your Shining Time.'

>Cadence wait!

'Why? What're you- OW!

>I warned you-FUCK!

'Dear Celestia they're everywhere! OW!OWOWOWOW!'

>No no no, don't go near the middle the drain's clogged!

Various slipping noised and screams of pain filled the castle, and continued for the next four hours.
~~~~~
"So, anyway, I'm banned from ever using the legos again. Cool story, huh?"

"'....Who the fuck are you again?"'
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>Applejack
'Celestia'

>Hey Celestia, got a-

'No, no I do not. Despite my immortality, I do not have a single thing to offer you, except cake, and you can be sure you'll be getting none of that'

>Ah was just wonderin' why we haven't gone to war with any of the other countries. Or, for that matter, what the geopolitcal state currently is.

'I know I'll regret this, but why do you ask?'

>Well, the way ah see it, we have two immortal alicorns who control the sun and moon, a god of chaos, some changelings, Twi, fluttershy and ah are all alicorns now, and ah'm pretty sure pinkie can break the laws of reality. Seems like we could take just about anyone.

'Do you really want to know why I don't conquer the world, Applejack?'

>Well, ah reckon ah wouldn't have asked if ah didn't.

'I'm blamed for enough as it is. Do you want every single problem in the world blamed on you, Applejack? Because, trust me on this, having just one country do it is far more than enough.
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>Oh goody, another day, another pile of chores and work. Maybe one of these days someone'll actually thank me. "Wow Spike, you did a great job, here's a sapphire as a token of my thanks!" Hah.

>Right, what's on the list for this morning then?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Spike's To-Do List*
[X] Get breakfast for Twilight
[X] See if Twilight needs any books for her studies
[X] Borrow heavy-duty cart for the books from the marine barracks
[X] Deliver books
[ ] See if applejack needs any help with filing paperwork.
[ ] Arm-wrestle Owloysius (I always win!)
[ ] Write a letter to <3 Rarity <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Welp, guess I'll go check up on AJ then.

At that moment, Applejack wanders around the corner.

"Howdy Spike!"

>Oh, Applejack! I was just looking for you. Need any help with paperwork and stuff today?

"Aww, I'm okay thanks sugarcube. Why don'tcha go see if twilight needs anything?"

>Naah, she's got all her books... ALL of them... So many...

>Woah, zoned out for a minu- Applejack? Huh, she was here a second ago...

"Howdy Spike!"

>Gah! Applejack! Weren't you just there?

"Eenope? I just came by to see if you could help me with somethin'."

>But you just said... Oh nevermind, what's up?

"Could y'all come and help me with filing my tax reform papers? They're scattered all over the place."

>Uh, yeah? Yeah! Lemme just grab my cart.

...

>Okay, let's g- uh... Applejack?

"Howdy Sugarcube!"

>Wha- Buh- How'd... You were just over there!

"Spike! You comin'?

>And now there are two of you??

-----

'You were right chrys, this is funny!'

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~~

>Why the hay is she always standin' up on this balcony lookin' regal? It's not even overlookin' anything...

*Celestia drops in from the sky, cracking the balcony*

"WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOOOONE!?"

>....Was... was this spot important? Oh, hey. There's a mob of ponies down there... with pitchforks... and torches. Isn't it dangerous to hold a torch in yer' mouth like that? It looks like it'll set yer' hair on fire-

"YOU FOOL! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

>Ah' feel odd on this side of the conversation.

"Do you really think NOW is the time to joke!? Ponyvilles economy has completely collapsed! And Canterlot's is on the brink of ruin itself!"

>And, jus' to double check, this is MAH fault?

"Ooooh, you thought you were so clever, didn't you? You thought you were being SO HELPFUL! WELL YOU WEREN'T!"

>Ya'll better start clearin' it up any second now.

"SPIKE COLLAPSED OUR ECONOMY!"

>....Ah'm sorry, mah eyes have crossed, can ya'll repeat that without the crazy?

"Spike. Little purple dragon. He used that money you gave him, our cake fund, to bring us to utter ruin."

>How the buck could he have done that? What could he have possibly bought!?

"He didn't buy anything! He invested that money in a leading firm, and gave seemingly low interest rates to all of Ponyvilles big businesses, and even dished out personal loans to practically everyone else in the town for pennies!"

>...Spike did this....

"But it turns out, the loans were only low interest for the first four months! Ponies thought they could pay it back in no time, and have next to no repercussions for spending what they did. But they didn't pay it back, they DIDN'T PAY IT BACK! The interest skyrocketed after that, and now they're struggling to pay back just the interest from month to month! No pony has any money left!"

>B-but surely he's putting it back into the system!

"HE'S A DRAGON YOU NINNY! HE HOARDS IT!"

>Can't we talk ta' him about this? Take it back by force if we have to?

"That would be an option, if he wasn't, you know, FIFTY FEET TALL and hadn't shrugged off every blast my unicorn guards threw at him! APPLEJACK 42 told me "nope!" and ran away!"

>...Can we give him Rarity?

"SHE'S ROLLING AROUND IN HIS MONEY RIGHT NOW!"

>Bucking in Apploosa. Ain't no way to get her back after that. We're in a pickle here.

"What can we possibly do!?"

>....Ah have a plan.

>Oh Spiiiiike!

*Growling noise*

>Lookit what iiiii have!

Held above her head is an absolutely massive and stunning gem, almost as big as she is. It's fractal reflections are enough to catch the eye of even the massive greedy dragon.

>Ah'll be more than happy ta' give it to ya', fer a price.

He lets out a deep, powerful rumble, and snaps forward, devouring the gem whole in one bite. From the look on his face, it was seemingly very delicious.

>Oh, that's a shame. That gem was insured by yer' company, and oh, it was insured fer... all of it.

The great dragon pauses for the briefest of moments, and then immediately shrinks right back down to his usual, tiny size.

'DAMN IT ALL! NOOOO!'

>..Nice ta' see you too, Rarity!

'STUFF IT PRINCESS APPLE FACE!'

"'Did anyone get the license plate of- whoa, lots of money. That all mine?''

>It was.

"'Awww."'

>Don't worry, Ah' let ya keep quite a bit, jus' so long as ya' promise ta' never collapse our economy again.

"'...Do what now?"'

>Guess Ah' should tell Celestia.

~~~~~~~~~back at Canterlot~~~~~~~

"Okay, it took a LOT more ponies in the hospital than I wanted, but they're under control!"

>...Are they dead?

"Lord I hope not, I was shooting pretty randomly."

>Situations under control, so... go ahead.

"What?"

>Say it's all mah fault.

"...You know what, Applejack? You get one. You get one time when we never mention it again. You earned it."

>Daw, thanks.

"And someday... I'm going to cash that in for myself as well. Good day to you, Princess Applejack."

>...That wasn't ominous.

{Can I go to the hospital now?}

>Shut up, yer' a background pony. Nobody cares.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

“...” = Luna
> = Chrysalis
‘…’ = Spike
… = Changeling
_____

>Annnnnd, bam! There it is! The triple hoof-lock! C’mon, AJ42, don’t give him an inch! Grab him by the- oooooh, daaaamn, that’s gotta hurt! You’ll be feeling that one in the morning, Shining!”

…

>Hm, oh yes, number… you. Number you, yeah. Anyway, yes, I’m super alright. Just watching Shining get the beatdown of his life. AJ42 really knows his pressure point moves, doesn’t he?”

…

>Oh! More of this kawfee? You spoil your Queen so! Shame I won’t remember you long enough to reward you for it!”
___________

“Oh for the love of us… what doth the tape of measuring say now, dragonborn?”

‘Er, Princess Luna? I just wanna put it on record and say I am in no way comfortable with doing this. And you can just call me Spike because this right here goes beyond a first-name friendship…”

“Duly noted, now then, what doth the reading say?”

‘Ugh… can’t believe I’m doing this….’

*the chamber door opens*

>...Alright. Do I even want to know why that fledgling dragon is trying to stretch his arms around your vast plot, Luna?

“Chrysalis! What business have thee in our quarters?”

>About as much as Spike there.

‘Which is to say none….’

>Clever follow-up, youngling.

“Neigh, ‘tis a matter of great importance that we see if our strict diet has had the desired effect!”

‘Please, Celestia, take me now….’

>I can tell you now, without even needing to measure, that it has not. I’ve been monitoring your cake intake and, while it’s true you’ve slowed down, you can hardly call ONE SLICE LESS a diet when the usual number is in the double digits, Luna.

‘Are you serious? Luna, is she serious? You had me draw out that dietary chart for nothing? That took me days to do!’

“Well… we, uh… we did not understand the specifics!”

‘It was color-coded based on the day and topped with stickers! There was literally nothing to understand!’

“…”

>May I see this chart, youngling?

‘It’s… oh wow. Really? It’s over there buried underneath about twenty plates. Plates sprinkled with cake crumbs….’

“Oh, uh… we are confused! However did those get there?”

>It’s a mystery I’m sure. Let me take a look at this… … Huh. I’m impressed. For such a youngling, this is actually more accurate than I expected it do be. Luna, just follow what this says. Correctly this time, if you please, and you should see some results.

“But the cake! We… but… new confections are up for approval this month!”

>Then suffer a huge rump. Honestly, the only negative side-effect would be having to skim a few funds from other resources. But, let’s be even more honest, it’s not like those funds were being used properly in the first place.

‘Wow. Not even I can muster up enough flames for a burn that big.’

“Fine! Fine! We will!”

>Good. Now, let us go, youngling. I doubt she needs that measuring finished.

‘But I think I need a stiff cider after this….’

*they exit the chamber and into the halls*

‘You know, Chrysalis, everyone calls you dumb but… you’re pretty smart! Thanks for the help back there. Seriously….’

>You are quite welcome, youngling, but if I can ask you to keep this meeting of ours to yourself…?

‘Huh? I… yeah, sure!’

>I thank you.

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>Twilight
"Gilda"
'Changeling'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Gilda Gryphon, you are acknowledged and welcomed by the sovereign nation of Equestria-

"Yeah, ye- Um, you have my thanks and the thanks and good will of the Gryphon Empire, princess Twilight Sparkle?"

> Yes, I'm afraid princess Celestia is occupied with a ... pressing fiscal matter. If you would kindly follow me?

"The Gryphon Empire recognizes your uh, dire predicament and I accept your uh ... gracious invitation?"

> Yeesh ... Look, Gilda, if you want to drop the official rhetoric that's fine with me. I know how grating it gets.

"Wow, thanks princess Dorklight. I've been about to sprain my jaw since breakfast. So where are we goin'?"

> (You could still be civil ...) Just up to Celestia's offices, we'll cut through the ballroom -

*creak*

'Like, a dozen Applejacks from the north side of the ballroom will descend upon you! Our wings will blot out the sun!'

'Then we will fight in the shade...'

> Um, on second thought, have you seen the Phillydelphia gallery? Let's take the scenic route!

~~~~~~ Later ~~~~~~

"... I just don't get how you can have that overproduction of cake and confectionery, and not export any?"

> Trust me, Gilda, it's not something you want to take up with the Princesses twice. Alright, your quarters are just through here ...

*creak*

'... a horn day! A red day! Ere the sun sets! Run, run for ruin, and the ballroom's ending! Deaaath! Forth, Applejacks of the South Ballroom!'

*slam*

> ... Aaactually, I think the Blue Hall is a quicker route.

"... Was that a catapult built entirely out of silverware?"

~~~~~~ Even Later ~~~~~~
"Freakin' cake makes me so thirsty ... where's the darn kitchens ..."

*creak*

'Fourscore and seven minutes ago, some other Applejacks brought forth on this side of the table a nation ...'

*slam*

"Freaking talking bugs, gotta be Celestia's fault..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________

>"..." AJ.
_..._ AJ42.
'...' AJ2
"..." Chrysalis

--------------

"...And in summary, we should be able to move into the job market within the week."

>"That... is actually a sound idea. Ah'll draw up some ideas fer work they can do. Ah'll be right back, jus' gotta fetch yer some more coffee."

"Indeed."

_So... we're getting jobs now?_

"But of course. I wouldn't expect us to simply squat in the princesses ballroom for the rest of our lives. The hive is poor excuse for a living space anyway."

'I hope I get a job here in the ballroom!'

_...So you can never leave and lounge around half the time?_

'...Noooo, Shiny comes here a lot to try and win fights with you.'

_Oh right, the crush you have._

'I-I don't have a crush on him! I just... h-he's cute is all... S-shut up!'

_Yu-huh... I'm gonna go over there now._

"It's alright, 2, I feel your love for him. One day you shall find him yearning for your affections in the mid summer day, his heart broken by that so called princess of love. When the eye of his world is forsaken, it will seek a new sight to repair itself."

'...I'm happy you support me, but that sounded very quoted.'

"I haven't exactly stopped watching romance films..." ~She wipes a tear from her eye~ "Don't worry Harkin, you'll win her heart some day..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________

>Twilight
Applejack
~~~~~~~~~~

>Applejack!

C'mon Celestia, there just ain't room in the budget fer education without cuttin' into the cake - oh, it's Twilight. How ya doin', sugarcube?

>If I were you I'd be less worried about me and more worried about the Changeling delegation that's about to get eaten by the Gryphon delegation once they get peckish!

Whut? Ah just went by there, the Applejacks're keepin' quiet as chitinous lil' mice!

>Oh, really? Let's just take a peek and see how it's going for the delegation YOU were responsible for ...

*creak*

>Buh ... where did they go?

See? All nice an' orderly. Bit dusty though.

>There's something written on that slab of plaster ... "My name is Applejack XLV, drone of drones; look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair" ...

They even spruced up the place with some fancy poetry! How nice.

>Hang on, there's one more line. "Should my realm be dust and ruin, I blame Princess Applejack."
_______________________________________________________________________________________

>"..." AppleJack
_..._ AJ42
'...' Every other AJ Changeling
"..." Celestia

-------------------------

>"What in tarnation are they doin'?"

_I believe they're constructing a statue of Chrysalis out of tables and chairs._

>"Ah think ah might need t' set up some place else fer these critters t' stay."

'New home?'

'I like the sound of that!'

'No! Stay here! Buuuild.'

'Shuuuuuuunn.'

>"They seem conflicted though."

_Why not partition the ballroom?_

>"Hmm..."

~Half an hour later~

>"RED TEAM, FIGHT FER YER SIDE O' TH' BALLROOM, WE'LL TAKE THESE SCURVY DOGS!!"

'For the horde-- Er, I mean, for the red team!!'

'For the princess!'

'For our Queen!'

_MINE BLUE TEAM BRETHREN!! WE SHALL DEFEAT THE INVADING RED MENACE THAT SWARMS UPON OUR HOME!!_

'To the last changeling!'

'We'll cut them down!'

'Enemies are everywhere! Go! Go! Go! I will destroy you!'

>"YA CAN TAKE OUR BALLROOM, BUT YA CAN NEVER TAKE, OUR, FREEEEDOOOM!!"

_CHAAAAAAARGE!!!_

>"YYYAAAAAAAARRRR!!"

--------------------

>"So basically that's why th' ballrooms a complete mess..."

_Yeah, sorry about that._

"I expect you to clean up the mess immediately. And invite me next time."
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