424

There are things I intended to share with you when we would have spoken next.  I wanted to say, not write, these words to you.  I need to share with them you so they don't linger in my mind.  I need to write these things so I can have closure.

If it is to be goodbye then I want to give you a better goodbye:

There will always be a small part of you with me.  Even though I have only known you for a short time, even though I don't know you very well, I will always remember you.  You will be the third person I always carry with me.

I will remember you as the person whom I thank.  Because of you, I feel like I could give all of me to someone and someone could accept all of me.  I feel like I am waking up from a deep sleep.  I no longer feel the need to escape.

Sometimes I think not talking to you for a period of time is for the best for me as well.  I hope this is not goodbye forever.  I have feelings for you.  I have thought that if we spent time apart those feelings could go away and it would be much easier to be your friend.  I hope you can talk to me again sometime.   I still want to talk to you.  I am still very happy with you.  At a minimum, I will miss you as a friend.

You said you are narcissistic.  I only met someone who wanted to be loved.  You said I would hate you as I knew you better.  My feelings only grew stronger as you showed more confidence in yourself.  You said you were controlling and needy.  I met someone who was kind, patient and gave me space.

That is how I will remember you because that is who you were when you talked to me.

You know how to reach me.  I hope you talk to me again soon.  If not, at some point in the future I will write to you again.  It will not be soon.  I hope I can share good news with you.  I hope you will have found the happiness and love you desire.  I hope I do as well.

--------------------------

I wanted to speak to you sometime this week because things needed to change.

I wanted to tell you that I have always been confused on what I felt for you and how I should act with you.  Sometimes I pulled you closer and sometimes I pushed you away.  I have always been confused about what you felt of me.  Sometimes you pulled and sometimes you pushed.  I didn't want you to get too close and I didn't want to get too far.

It didn't work.

You could never scare me away by telling me your thoughts or feelings.  I can accept wanting to be more.  I can accept wanting to be less.  From my perspective, if you wanted to be more than friends with me, I would need time.  I need to know you better and I need you to know me better.  If you wanted to only be friends then I still want to talk with you and I still want to know you better.  But I need to know how to act with you.  I never knew how to act with you.  I never felt like I could be myself with you.

I don't feel like the physical distance between us is a large obstacle.  If we both wanted, that is relatively easy to overcome.  I have always felt like there was a great chasm between us.  I feared falling in myself.  Even more, I fear being another person who hurt you.

The barrier I feel between us is trust.  I do not and cannot trust you right now.   Everything we do must be hidden from someone.  You told me once who it is.  I'm not sure I believe you.  You have described your other relationships to me.  Those also showed a lack of trust.  I can't say I fully understand it.  I can't say I agree with what you have done.  I think, maybe, I do understand some of it.  You have been taught brutal and harsh lessons.  I feel like if I was in your place and if I had your experiences I wouldn't trust people either.

I am not in your place.  I don't share your experiences.  I don't understand what is going on.  My first responsibility is to myself.  I cannot trust you.  I cannot be more than friends until this lack of trust changes.  With you, right now, I can only be be patient.  I can only hope to know and understand you better.  I can only hope that things will change in the future.

There is no schedule, no requirements, and no simple "quest" to earn back trust.  It takes time.  Time I am willing to give you.

I don't fear either of our thoughts or feelings.  I don't fear rejection.  I fear getting hurt and I fear hurting you.  With you, I never left the shallows.  I can't tell you my feelings for you because I don't know them.

I fear the unknown you hide from me.

I hope you understand why I didn't want any promises, obligations or schedules with you.  For now, I can't give you all of me.  I can only give you time.  Promises, obligations and schedules would only lead to one of us, or both of us, getting hurt.

I was going to say that if you wanted to scare me away the only thing you had to do was ask me to go away.  I feel like that is what you are doing.  I told you that I won't chase you.  I told you that wherever you go, whatever you choose, whoever you choose, if it makes you happy then I support your decision.  I mean it.

If this is goodbye, then I want to say Thank You.  I hope you understand how inadequate writing "Thank You" feels.

You have not broken my heart.  I feel like I am losing a friend that I shouldn't lose again.  I hope it is only temporary.

-----------------------------

I want try again to tell you what love feels like.  I don't feel like I did a good job before.  I feel like everything I tell you I need to sanitize, or water down, or change to protect myself.  I feel like I sanitized that story too much.  I feel like I can do a better job now.

You told me you were on the raft thinking about who you wanted to be with and who would make you happy.  You felt like if you were with one particular person you would feel the need to escape at times.  You would feel like you could not be yourself and you wouldn't be fully appreciated for who you are.

I think I have done similar thinking and soul-searching myself.  I told you that one day I met the girl whom I have loved and when I saw her I realized my crush on her had faded.  My feelings for her had changed.  I don't feel I adequately described what my feelings for her had become.

Sometime later I spent time alone and I thought what my life would be like with her and without her.  I thought what my life would be with someone else.  Like you, I felt like there would be emptiness and a need to escape.  Unlike you, my need for escape would have been being apart from her.  Wherever she was, to me that would be "home."  I would only have the feeling to escape reality if I was away from her.  I didn't want to look for someone else.  I didn't want to be with someone else.  I could truly be myself with her.  I didn't have a crush on her.  I loved all of her.  She loved all of me.
Sometime later I spent time alone and I thought what my life would be like with her and without her.  I thought what my life would be with someone else.  Like you, I felt like there would be emptiness and a need to escape.  Unlike you, my need for escape would have been being apart from her.  Wherever she was, to me that would be "home."  I would only have the feeling to escape reality if I was away from her.  I didn't want to look for someone else.  I didn't want to be with someone else.  I could truly be myself with her.  I didn't have a crush on her.  I loved all of her.  She loved all of me.

The sadness I felt when I saw her smile and knew my feelings had changed weren't because I no longer had a crush on her.  I felt sadness because I was scared I would disappoint her.  I was scared she wouldn't know how much I cared about being with her.  I worried she wouldn't know how I felt like I could truly be myself with her, and she could truly be herself with me.  I feared she wouldn't know I loved her.

I did have worries.  I did have doubts.  But I didn't fear or worry when I was with her.

Overtime we were together much more.  We grew much closer.  Eventually, I learned a sad lesson: love is not enough.  We had love but not happiness.  She had dreams and desires that I could not fulfil.  I wanted things that she couldn't provide.  The same thing happened to my parents.  Eventually they had love but not happiness.  My mother's desires and dreams changed over time.  People change.  Again, sadly, these are stories I cannot fully share with you.

I hope you find both love and happiness together.