Nisemonogatari Commentary 1a, v5

Senjougahara: There aren't any lolicons who just came from listening to the alternative commentary here, are there?
Hello, I'm the lovely idol Senjougahara Hitagi.

Hanekawa: Please don't begin by calling people names! No, this entrance is no good. Senjougahara-san, please start over from the beginning.

Senjougahara: Fine.

Hanekawa: Take 2!

Senjougahara: Hello to all except those in Tokyo. I'm the non-existent youth, Senjougahara Hitagi.
(Referring to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tokyo_Metropolitan_Ordinance_Regarding_the_Healthy_Development_of_Youths#.22Nonexistent_youth.22_bill)

Hanekawa: Why would you leave out Tokyo?

Senjougahara: Huh? This disc isn't being sold in Tokyo, right?

Hanekawa: It is, of course it is. Released to rave reviews, on sale now!

Senjougahara: Hello to all you people over the age of 18. I'm high schooler of marriageable age, Senjougahara Hitagi.

Hanekawa: Don't say that, it's a little bit too true to be funny.

Senjougahara:  The fact that I’m a high schooler of marriageable age isn’t incorrect though, right?
Hello, I’m husband hunter Senjougahara Hitagi, currently taking applications to find a wonderful groom.

Hanekawa: What happened to Araragi-kun?

Senjougahara: Who would want to marry him after watching this anime? To everyone watching: the fact that you’re listening to the commentary means you must have finished at least the second episode. Surely this man who jumps from woman to woman like some migratory bird could never get married, don’t you think?

Hanekawa:  Don’t ask the viewers to agree with you…
So anyway, getting back on topic, Nisemonogatari Blu-Ray or DVD Volume 1 customers: did you enjoy watching the show? I’m in charge of the Volume One commentary, Naoetsu High School third year Hanekawa Tsubasa, and…

Senjougahara: For some reason I was called in. Also a Third Year at Naoetsu High School, I’m Senjougahara Hitagi.

Hanekawa: “For some reason”? Senjougahara, you’re the heroine!

Senjougahara: You’re too kind; I may be a heroine, but I am a heroine in name only. I don’t think I even have to tell the viewers, but my appearance in this show is over after this opening scene. I don’t show up again! It’s a case of just having to say, “Look forward to the second volume”! That’s why when it comes to this commentary, while I’m here introducing myself my scene is almost already over, I mean what is this?

Hanekawa: Well in that case, do you want to postpone the greeting and for now we’ll discuss this unfolding kidnapping drama? Would you like to talk about it?

Senjougahara: Hanekawa-san, Hanekawa-san, I am so disappointed that you would say such a thing Hanekawa-san.  Forgetting the greeting towards the viewers is unthinkable. Even if my weight was missing, I am the kind of girl who has respect for common courtesy
(pun untranslatable, it’s to do with taijuu (weight) and omonjiru (respect)).

Hanekawa: As always, your jokes are awful.

Senjougahara: Now then, let’s forget what’s happening on screen for the moment and continue our introductions. I’m a girl that doesn’t commit kidnappings, Senjougahara Hitagi.

Hanekawa:  Most girls don’t kidnap people, you know!
While it isn't completely clear, from how Araragi-kun looks in this scene I'm guessing you must have used violence to take him here, right? That would mean that this wasn't a kidnapping (yuukai), but an abduction (ryakushu).
(This whole section is a discussion on the specifics of the Japanese language)

Senjougahara: Huh? Are they different somehow?

Hanekawa: If you were to use violence to capture someone, that would be an abduction. If instead you persuaded them to come with you, that would be a kidnapping. We learnt this in Japanese Class, right?

Senjougahara: I don't think I did.
Wait, so I understand abduction now, but about this 'persuasion', specifically what kind of act would that refer to in order to count as a kidnapping?

Hanekawa: Umm, well. Something like "I'll give you candy, so come with me!” maybe?

Senjougahara: Ah, I see. Something like "I'll play my pipe, so come with me!" right?

Hanekawa: I don't think the Pied Piper of Hamelin was that cool...
(She uses ‘rokku’ or the Japanese transliteration of rock (as in the genre of music) as a descriptor here. I could have missed some extra reference going on here)

Senjougahara: Just how are you able to understand and retort despite given such little information?

*Senjougahara mentions tongue kissing (Berochuu) in the background here*

Hanekawa: How about we talk about tongue kissing?

Senjougahara: Please spare me. In fact, now that our intimate lovey-dovey conversation has been exposed to the world, what do you think? I think it's fair to say that I've probably received enough punishment for carrying out a kidnapping.

Hanekawa: This is supposed to be an intimate lovey-dovey conversation?

Senjougahara: Isn't it lovey-dovey? Saying "aah" as I feed him and water him -

Hanekawa: I don't think saying "aah" and watering him is a thing.

Senjougahara: Now you know, I don't mean to be too frank here, but all I've done so far has either been getting into horrible situations or putting others in them, and what I'm here wondering is why I'm expected to provide commentary on this. Does someone have an explanation fetish?

Hanekawa: Well, I understand anyway, you don't like having to personally provide commentary on your own misdeeds, right?

Senjougahara: I may do bad things, but I do not want to be thought of as a bad person.

Hanekawa: Of course. That's very normal.

Senjougahara: Which is why I've been saying: if I don't even have a proper role in the show, why am I getting called in for this?  I don't know Araragi-kun's sisters so I don't have the inside story, you know? While I may have heard rumours about them because they're quite famous, I've never actually met them or anything.

Hanekawa: Now that you mention it, in the prequel to this, didn't you use them as a shield by threatening Araragi-kun through them?

Senjougahara: Oh my, you've stepped on a landmine there. But that's okay; it's all ancient history now.

Hanekawa: If you consider the canon timeline it's only been about 2 months, of course.

Senjougahara: Well aren't you well informed. As expected from Hanekawa-san. Although you know, now that I actually get a good look at these sisters that I threatened in this 'Nisemonogatari' anime, it seems like it would be quite difficult to follow through.

Hanekawa: Well when you put it like that - wait; don't say something like that so naturally. I would prefer it if you didn't propose such a discussion with me, please.

Senjougahara: I wonder if it was because of that time that I threatened them that Araragi doesn't introduce me to his family.

Hanekawa: Probably. Well, perhaps not just the threat, although I would say that's the primary reason, but this kidnapping as well.

Senjougahara: Kidnapping this, kidnapping that. Stop saying it all the time; it's putting me in a bad mood.

Hanekawa: That's an incredible thing to say...
If we're talking about that though, what about me? We were talking about not appearing much in the show, but I actually don't appear at all. It was similar with Bakemonogatari Anime Vol.1, but even compared to then it's much worse.

Senjougahara: Hmm. Well uh, forgive my rudeness for asking Hanekawa-san, but did you have an appearance at all in this Nisemonogatari Volume 1?

Hanekawa: I did not have an appearance. When I say 'I did not have an appearance', I don't mean 'I had a small appearance', but that I am not even exaggerating when I say I didn't have one.

Senjougahara: Ah, wait a second, there was there was. You're forgetting Hanekawa-san, didn't you call Araragi-san? Remember, his phone lit up with the word "recollection".

Hanekawa: If we're going so far as to call that an appearance, then we might as well call Kanbaru's silhouette before an appearance.

Senjougahara: Eh? The silhouette that had its hands around Araragi-kun's neck… that was Kanbaru!?
Watch out Kanbaru, I'll wring your neck.

Hanekawa: Even as a silhouette that's not allowed, huh.

Senjougahara: Well, if stuff like this keeps being said, this disc will become unwatchable. But this kind of thing can't be helped, right Hanekawa-san?

Hanekawa: Can't be helped? Like what?

Senjougahara: I mean, when you hear "commentary", you think, "Hanekawa Tsubasa", don't you?

Hanekawa: No, please no, definitely not.

Senjougahara: Definitely not? But that's how it is.

Hanekawa: I really don't want that image of me to stick. Just how many more volumes do you think I'm going to have to -

Senjougahara: Wait, be quiet for a second.

*OP Starts*

Exactly as I begin to talk an elegant melody distinct from so-called modern pop music that you would think was surely an opera passed down through the generations by mermaids... - oh, it's just my opening theme.

Hanekawa: Was I really just silenced at such an important moment just so I could listen to such nonsense?

Senjougahara: I wouldn't have gone as far as to say nonsensical.

Hanekawa: Excuse me, I went too far.

Senjougahara: Speaking of which, mermaids are supposed to be able to sing well, but I wonder. Even if you were to sing underwater, I don’t think your voice would resonate too well. It would just sound like “boeeeh”, wouldn’t it?

Hanekawa: If you imagined a mermaid singing, you would probably think of one sitting on reef, no? Holding a harp maybe, something like this?

Senjougahara: Oh I see, thank you for even providing the pose, Hanekawa-san. Although you didn’t have to do that much and I still would have understood.
Hm, although, mermaids are actually Junko, right?
(Junko is a name; there might be a reference I haven’t picked up here)

Hanekawa: Huh? Who?

Senjougahara: Ah, my mistake. They’re actually dugongs, right? Do dugongs rest on rocks like that?

Hanekawa: Dugongs don’t sing in the first place, they don’t even hold harps.

Senjougahara: Oh.

Hanekawa: It’s actually the other way around. It’s not that mermaids are actually dugongs, but the imaginary creature known as the mermaid came about after people mistook dugongs for being something else, or something like that.

Senjougahara: Oh, is that so?

Hanekawa: Mysteriously, the myth of the mermaid is all over the world. Japan even has a version.

Senjougahara: Sorry, could you be quiet for a bit? You can’t hear my song clearly.

Hanekawa: Is that really any reason to silence me when I was expanding on the topic you brought up?

Senjougahara: Come on, I bet you were full of praise during your opening as well.

Hanekawa: My opening did not air on TV.

(Is my commentary file is corrupted? Are there any lines between 7:20 and 7:27?)

Senjougahara: Well, now that my misdeeds are over, let’s begin for real, commentary-san, whoops I mean, Hanekawa-san.

Hanekawa: How is it even possible to make such a mistake!?

Senjougahara: Come on. You’ve been flaring up at my every word for a while now.

Hanekawa: It’s the only way you leave me to respond!

Senjougahara: It would be natural for me to go home now that my appearance is over.

Hanekawa: Yes, I do remember we were discussing something before along the lines of why we were called in despite not having an appearance, but you know Senjougahara-san, if you keep emphasizing how much you don’t want to be doing this, the people who went to so much effort to buy this disc will be very disappointed, so let’s keep it at that, shall we?

Senjougahara: But you know Hanekawa-san, it turns out that’s often not the case. You see, having a cute girl complain because they’re being unreasonably forced to do something is the kind of content that I’m sure a fair number of our viewers would exclaim “Ya-hoi!” with glee to see.

Hanekawa: There’s no way there are people like that, no way. You hear me? None.

Senjougahara: Of my fans, about 80% are like that.

Hanekawa: Your fans are just too awful.

Ah, look. Tsukihi-chan is having a private conversation with her brother.

Senjougahara: She seems like a somewhat listless girl.

Hanekawa: It’s morning so she’s probably just sleepy, I think.

Senjougahara: The way Araragi-kun seems kind of rude in this scene, is that also because of sleepiness? Low blood pressure maybe?

Hanekawa: Nope! This is just how he is with his little sisters.

Senjougahara: (wordplay alert)
The rough and rude Araragi-san gets investigated, boiled and you say “my, how mysterious”.
(Wordplay over)

Hanekawa: Did something a little scary get slipped in that last sentence…?

Senjougahara: Are those portraits or something?

Hanekawa: They’re calendars!
(Pun alert: ‘calendars’ sounds the same as ‘of Karen’)

Senjougahara: Oh, just of Karen-san.
(Hence the reaction; she misunderstood)

You know, an only-child always ends up wishing they had siblings. ‘I’m jealous of your sister. I’m jealous of your brother. I want twins.’

Hanekawa: Well, I’m an only-child too so it’s not like I don’t understand, with the exception of that last one.

Senjougahara: I wonder, are they having a serious conversation here? I must say I can’t agree with this irrational notion of fighting as communication.

Hanekawa: You can’t agree, huh…

Senjougahara: I want to teach her the saying: ‘Love and peace: all of humanity is a family.’ Getting along with each other is of utmost importance; why can’t people understand.

Hanekawa: Yeah…
As you’d expect, when you get people who suffer from the same problem in front of each other, they can’t help but to get loquacious.

Senjougahara: Whoa, that just surprised me. What did this girl just get so mad over?

Hanekawa: Well, Araragi’s questioning.

Senjougahara: Say what you like, but isn’t that too short-tempered?

Hanekawa: It seems that’s just the kind of girl she is. According to Araragi-kun, she snaps very quickly.

Senjougahara: So, Araragi Tsukirehi?

Hanekawa: Um. Huh?

Senjougahara: I tied Tsukihi’s ‘ki’ with string and mixed ‘kireru’ (in this instance ‘snapped’ as in got angry suddenly) into her name.
(She’s messing around, it’s another crap joke)

Hanekawa: Even when you explain it I don’t really get it.

Senjougahara: She just threw the remote, that girl.

Hanekawa: She threw it all right.

Senjougahara: Normally, even at most you’d only throw a red pencil, right?

Hanekawa: I wonder, wouldn’t a pencil be more dangerous?

Senjougahara: Not a pencil, a red pencil. The image is nicer so it’s okay.

Hanekawa: Even if it’s nice, if you get pierced it’ll hurt!

*Araragi mentions Sengoku in the background*

Hanekawa: Oh!

Senjougahara: Hmm? What is it?

Hanekawa: Uh oh. This is dangerous.

Senjougahara: Hm?

Hanekawa: Senjougahara-san, leave the rest to me; you’re fine to go home now.

Senjougahara: Eh? I, a slow starter, have finally managed to produce some motivation for this. Why are you suddenly saying that it’s ok for me to go home?

Hanekawa: I’ve just noticed that a few somewhat problematic developments are coming up, perhaps not in this first episode but the second episode…

Senjougahara: It’s okay, it’s okay Hanekawa-san. I’ve seen this once on television, so I’m aware of that middle schooler with bangs.

Hanekawa: Oh, so you were. “That middle schooler with bangs”…

Senjougahara: At this point, the fact that there existed a middle schooler who had become emotionally attached to Araragi-kun was information that had already entered my hands. I was simply pretending not to be aware of it.

Hanekawa: I see.

Senjougahara: It’s being mature. A middle-schooler here and there isn’t a big deal.

Hanekawa: Oh yeah, this Tsukihi-chan is doing the alternative commentary, right?

Senjougahara: That’s right, her and the middle schooler with bangs we were just talking about to make a middle school second year combination. Of course, there’s definitely no way that the viewers have heard that yet, right?

Hanekawa: You’re very fussy about watching in order, aren’t you?

Senjougahara: There’s a hierarchy here, isn’t there?

Hanekawa: What happened to being mature?

Senjougahara: What’s an alternative commentary (uraonsei, literally back commentary) in the first place? That phrase is being used like its meaning is obvious, but don’t you think it’s a bit weird? Like it implies they speak in falsetto (uragoe, literally back voice) the whole time?

Hanekawa: It’s commemoration for the Blu-ray and DVD Volume 1 release. You could think of it as being a special service, just for the first time.

Senjougahara: Just for the first time? So does that mean there won’t be an alternative commentary from volume 2 onwards? Wow, that’s disappointing. It feels like I’ve lost something.

Hanekawa: You can’t say stuff like that!

Senjougahara: That’s the thing with special services; if you overdo it, it can have the opposite effect instead. The moment you offer something it can become standard, you see. Let’s just edit the alternative commentary out, it’s not necessary.

Hanekawa: You’re making it too obvious that you’re seeing the middle-schoolers as rivals!

Senjougahara: Well, the truth is, the fact that there are three audio tracks on this disc has surprised me a little, that’s all.

Hanekawa: The conversation turns a bit serious from here, doesn’t it?

Senjougahara: They have serious conversations too, these siblings. Since they’re capable of having such conversations, perhaps it’s alright for me to let them do the commentary.

Hanekawa: You’re really looking down on them, huh.

Senjougahara: Well, I did do quite a lot of these in the prequel. Volumes 1, 3, and an episode of 5 – therefore, I can’t really help it if I’m acting somewhat like a vetaran.

Hanekawa: Vetaran?

Senjougahara: Veteran.

(She made a mistake in pronunciation here, beteran is the accepted transliteration of veteran, and she says betaran. Hanekawa asks for clarification, Senjougahara corrects herself)

Hanekawa: If you’re a veteran, you shouldn’t be making mistakes. Our juniors are coming up, you know.
(Could have misheard this: kabuko? Like, 下部  with random –ko suffix? Alternatively, she messed up saying kanojo? Yeah I dunno, this one lost me)

Senjougahara: As a veteran commentator, I feel like I have to be somewhat stern towards the newcomers, otherwise they won’t mature properly.
And my, those are some cute thighs. What nice bare legs.

Hanekawa: That’s a “veteran commentator’s” comment? - “Being stern towards the juniors”?
(She’s tsukkomi-ing via quoting what Senjougahara said and being incredulous. The whole stern thing could easily be reworded into something for the exchange to work better, potentially)

Senjougahara: You know, if we’re talking about veteran commentators, the first person you’d think of would be Hanekawa-san, surely.

Hanekawa: Well, I’ve been able to do the best I can.

Senjougahara: And from that exact Hanekawa-san, a message from above to the juniors currently speaking on the alternative commentary:

Hanekawa: Do your best guys, I’ll be cheering you on.
Wait a second, all I said was the usual, “do your best, I’ll be cheering you on”, but because of your pretence it sounded like I was being sarcastic!

Senjougahara: Okay, would you like to make some kind of comment about this crime scene?

Hanekawa: You’re becoming kind of like the host of a variety show right now.

Senjougahara: The vile influence of anime is to blame for the occurrence of this crime.
(This line is like an “I blame violent video games!” kind of thing)

Hanekawa: Of course, you don’t hear as many people making those kinds of statements as of late.

Senjougahara: Oh, Hachikuji-chan.

Hanekawa: Quick! Run away!

Senjougahara: That’s it for Part A.

-

Senjougahara: I wonder if it’s fair to say that this stuffed doll’s tears are much like our own.
Did you see Araragi’s face just then?

Hanekawa: This next bit is just an act, right?

Senjougahara: Yes, it’s pretence.

Hanekawa: Who on earth is he trying to convince with this, for what purpose?
Just watching and listening to it makes me cringe a little, it’s embarrassing.
A very strange theory is starting to formulate in my mind, although it isn’t clear whether it’s to do with myself, Mayoi-chan or the viewers, but in any case it doesn’t look good.

Senjougahara: How bitter. The nice, kind Hanekawa-san is feeling bitter.

Hanekawa: It would be wrong to be witness to this and just pretend nothing’s wrong.

Senjougahara: You could interpret him here as simply being tsundere and find it cute, surely?

Hanekawa: I was under the impression that the one he’s supposed to be spoiling is you, Senjougahara-san, but…

Senjougahara: Here we go; he’s setting up his crouching start.

Hanekawa: He seems like he could be faster than Kanbaru-san in these situations.

Senjougahara: On your marks, get set…

Hanekawa: The background music is like the can-can!
(a.k.a. ‘Infernal Galop’ from ‘Orpheus in the Underworld’.  Hanekawa’s seemingly pretty bad at picking out tunes)
There it is!

Senjougahara: This is just terrible now. I mean, this isn’t an OVA.
Let’s put this image of Araragi-kun on a pencilboard and sell it.

Hanekawa: No way.

Senjougahara: Araragi-kun, what can I say. This is much too much little-girl kissing.

Hanekawa: This is too extreme to pass off as skinship, even.

Senjougahara: How old is that girl again?

Hanekawa: 10 years old.

Senjougahara: I’m speechless.

“Come on, stop struggling! It makes removing your panties harder!”

Hanekawa: “Come on, stop struggling! It makes removing your panties harder!”

Senjougahara: Scary.

Hanekawa: Isn’t it just.

Senjougahara: Let’s use Chaku Voice and release it!
(Referring to https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E7%9D%80%E4%BF%A1%E3%83%9C%E3%82%A4%E3%82%B9
it’s a ringtone related feature on mobile phones)

Hanekawa: Who would use that as a ringtone!?
“Look closely, it’s just me!” he says.

Senjougahara: It’s like, “so what if it’s just you?”

Hanekawa: Yeah, like “is there even anyone else that would do something like this?”

Senjougahara: Although it does seem like Hachikuji-chan really didn’t realise it was him.
Look at that, now that she knows that it’s Araragi-kun she’s all smiles.

Hanekawa: Wait, isn’t that weird? In fact, wouldn’t you actually get angrier!? Wouldn’t you be seething? Wouldn’t you feel resentment down to your bones?
(Took some liberties here)

Senjougahara: But these two really do get along well, don’t they. I wonder if they have the same mental age.

Hanekawa: If we’re going by mental age, I think Mayoi-chan should be considerably older.

Senjougahara: Perhaps she’s just humouring him; meeting him at his level to be nice.
“Araragi Harem”.

Hanekawa: There’s an idea that leaves quite a bad taste. Quite an awful concept, isn’t it?
(I deliberately left out the organisation thing because I want to translate akushumi as bad taste, and it doesn’t fit well otherwise. I dunno feel free to fix it)

Senjougahara: Awful or not, Hanekawa-san, you’re a founding member, aren’t you? Don’t talk as if you’re some uninvolved third party.

Hanekawa: That’s absolutely wrong. Please, don’t even say things like ‘founding member’.

Senjougahara: Those in Kizumonogatari are first generation members, those in Bakemonogatari second generation members, and, in this Nisemonogatari, we’re gladly welcoming his little sisters into the fold as third generation members, right?
(Took some liberty with this bit)

Hanekawa: This harem is much too monstrous.

Senjougahara: This mannequin is actually a kind of foreshadowing, isn’t it?

Hanekawa: That’s right, although at this point the question is for what.

Senjougahara: I wonder if there are people who said, “Oh, they’re planning to do Cat’s Eye” and worked it out at already at this point.
(Referring to the anime ED dance)

Hanekawa: If so, that would be a miraculous display of deductive skill.
It’s this line now that gives it away, don’t you think? I can imagine people being all “ohh” here.

*Mayoi mentions stuff about anime adaptations in the background here*

Senjougahara: By the way, Araragi-kun was very nervous about our anime adaptation because it reveals to the world exactly how short he really is, it seems.

Hanekawa: How tall is Karen-san, again?

Senjougahara: Thank you Hanekawa-san, but we know you know everything. It isn’t necessary to ask such a question in an attempt to make me look good.

Hanekawa: Just what kind of disposition do you think I have?

*Mayoi says the money line*

Hanekawa: This is…

Senjougahara: That line is no laughing matter. (Alternatively: ‘not funny’)

Hanekawa: No laughing matter at all. Araragi-kun is being risky here of course, but Mayoi-chan is being just as risky, also.
(If I’ve interpreted the context incorrectly, sorry)

Senjougahara: I wonder what happened in her life for her to be like this. At 10 years old she’s much too farsighted. As you know, I’m a bookish girl who has entered honourable poverty, but even I don’t spout lines like this.
(Bungaku Shoujo = Literature Girl, could be a reference to the LNs/movie but probably not. Feel free to change it)

Hanekawa: Discreetly trying to better people’s impression of you with the ‘bookish girl’ label, are we?

Senjougahara: About that foreshadowing, the payoff for the mannequin earlier is here I think.

Hanekawa: “The dance in the ending!”

Senjougahara: It’s become standard, hasn’t it: a dance ending and a running opening.

Hanekawa: A running opening? I think I get what you’re trying to say, but the way you said it reminds me of a gym…
Oh, is here where the conversation turns serious?

Senjougahara: No, they’re not capable of that.

Hanekawa: I guess there are some pairings of people that just aren’t able to have a serious conversation together.

Senjougahara: I wonder if there are even any pairings within the Araragi harem that can have a serious conversation together.

Hanekawa: Please don’t use “Araragi harem” like it’s some kind of official terminology!
And well, I believe that I can.

Senjougahara: And yet Hanekawa-san, when you talk with Araragi-san, the conversation can’t help but to become humorous, right?

Hanekawa: I suppose…
Wait, so does that mean this is Araragi-kun’s fault?

Senjougahara: So this part is basically Araragi-kun asking for advice about whether or not he should tell his little sisters about his vampirism, right? And yet he’s asking a girl of such tender age. He should have gone to me to talk about this. How distant of him.

Hanekawa: Ah but, he didn’t really want to talk about his little sisters with you, remember?

Senjougahara: I see, I see.

Hanekawa: What do you mean by that?

Senjougahara: You don’t receive conversation opportunities of this sort either though, right Hanekawa-san? Don’t tell me you’ve been coercing Araragi-kun too.

Hanekawa: You know, when you use such strong words like that against your friends, it can be quite painful to be on the receiving end, Senjougahara-san.

Senjougahara: Yes.

Hanekawa: Don’t lump me in with you.

Senjougahara: How scary.
Wait what, a courthouse? Did Araragi-kun just get prosecuted? Oh no, I better dispose of any documents that could indicate I have anything to do with him.

Hanekawa: Hey now, come on.

Senjougahara: For which of his sins has he been prosecuted for, I wonder. Too many come to mind! If all of his wrongdoings were to be processed, the trial would never end. While there’s still time, I should-

Hanekawa: You’re under the wrong impression, he’s innocent.

Senjougahara: What? It ended without indictment?

Hanekawa: Don’t phrase it like it got thrown out only due to lack of evidence.

Senjougahara: The courage to continue to doubt my boyfriend.

Hanekawa: That’s not courage or anything like it.

Senjougahara: Oh, is a battle scene coming up here?

Hanekawa: No, no.

Senjougahara: Really? No battle scene? Is it really okay to have an anime without battle scenes? Nobody will watch an anime without battle scenes, you know.

Hanekawa: What kind of character are you trying to be?

Senjougahara: Something like a member of an anime test audience.

Hanekawa: There are no test audiences like that. And you know that view is pretty old; battles are good too, but mundane slice of life anime about youth shown as it is are popular right now.

Senjougahara: Ah, like this Nisemonogatari?

Hanekawa: Huh?

Senjougahara: What, I don’t think I’m mistaken. See look, a slice of youthful Araragi’s mundane life, portrayed as it is.

Hanekawa: I guess it’s true that episode 1 finishes without much happening, but to be honest I’d have to say that I’m reluctant to call this a mundane slice of life. Oh, I know, the strongest piece of evidence: right from the outset, Araragi-kun is kidnapped and imprisoned!

Senjougahara: But that’s fine as to represent a slice of Araragi-kun’s life. Araragi-kun gets kidnapped by women all the time.

Hanekawa: He really doesn’t seem like he’ll live a long life, does he.

Senjougahara: He often gets called “Ararachi-kun”.
(A joke, combination of rachi (kidnapping) and Araragi)

Hanekawa: Hey that one wasn’t bad.
(Evaluating Senjougahara’s joke)

Senjougahara: Also, Byouyomi (Countdown) until he dies.

Hanekawa: Hmm? Oh, you’ve put Byouyomi and Koyomi together this time.
Now Senjougahara-san, let’s stop just saying the first thing that comes to mind straight away, shall we?

Senjougahara: Isn’t the commentary the place where you’re supposed to say whatever comes to mind as it comes to mind?

Hanekawa: No, please deliberate. Five seconds is fine, as long as you think about what you’re about to say.

Senjougahara: But if we were to do that, the commentary would be behind by five seconds.

Hanekawa: So you can’t think and talk at the same time…

Senjougahara: I’ll muster what courage I have left and continue to say whatever comes to mind, as it comes to mind. This has been Senjougahara Hitagi’s policy announcement. So then, we’ll meet again in the second episode.

Hanekawa: Why are you trying to wrap up the show!?

Senjougahara: Well, just look at the screen of the 1seg TV put in front of us.
(1seg is the thing on Jap phones that lets them watch broadcast TV)

Hanekawa: This isn’t 1seg! That’s way too harsh.
(Left out shuuroku genba, dunno what to use for that and the line works fine without it)

Senjougahara: Araragi-kun is in such a sorry state here. It was an expression of my pity for him that I tried to wrap the show up early.

Hanekawa: What with the handstands and the like, it’s certainly a surreal scene at the moment. But thinking about it, to so easily do a handstand, Araragi-kun must have some decent muscle and balance, don’t you think?

Senjougahara: Hmm, well isn’t it more due to his vampire powers?

Hanekawa: Why is it so difficult for you give any praise to Araragi-kun? Just how much do you want to avoid praising him, Senjougahara-san? Instead of badmouthing all the time, point out some of his good features too.

Senjougahara: Okay, so just like Hachikuji-chan in a moment, I should say “So cool!”?

Hanekawa: If you do, things might change!

Senjougahara: I’ll give it a go!
“So cool! So cool, I’m tempted to have the courage to show you my panties as you wish!”
No, no that’s not right.

Hanekawa: No, no it isn’t.

Senjougahara: Nothing has changed. In fact, I think I like Araragi-kun a bit less now.

Hanekawa: Yeah, sorry about that.

Senjougahara: A girl kneeling before a guy doing a handstand. This is way too surreal.

Hanekawa: She’s not quite formally kneeling before him, but there is an element of descending here, and the whole scene has a divine feel to it.

Senjougahara: They’re having a stupid conversation though, aren’t they? If only Araragi-kun would open up more and talk with us like this. I feel like there’s a limit to how much he’s willing to mess around when he talks with either of us.

Hanekawa: Perhaps, at least when compared to this.

Senjougahara: “Do more handstands, and peek at our panties!” is what this Senjougahara-san wants to say.

Hanekawa: Is that really what you want to say…?

Senjougahara: Those twin-tails are moving. How scary.

Hanekawa: Araragi-kun’s feeler is pretty scary too.
(Referring to his ahoge, the stray strand of hair)

Senjougahara: It turned into the character for ‘love’, before, didn’t it?

Hanekawa: Is this bit really alright?

Senjougahara: You see, Araragi-kun is in the wrong here of course, but Hachikuji-chan is in the wrong too.

Hanekawa: They’re both just too into the mood.

Senjougahara: Well that’s the end of the laundry.

Hanekawa: It was exactly like a laundry, wasn’t it? Up until now, part B has been almost entirely like that.

Senjougahara: The way Hachikuji-chan refuses to meet Araragi-kun’s gaze in this next scene makes me think she could be really be angry with him. While quietly seemingly giving off an understanding tone with what she’s saying, on the inside she’s actually totally enraged.

Hanekawa: Why would you interpret this in such a twisted way…?

Senjougahara: My research indicates that there is an 89% chance that she’s saying what she is specifically to end the conversation with this pervert as quickly as possible.
(pun: 89 = Hachiku)

Hanekawa: Only to Hachikuji! (Senjougahara’s 89% thing)

Senjougahara: I could have also said 41% because of Mayoi, but that doesn’t give off such a probable image, so even though it’s a bit hackneyed I went with 89%.
(Mayoi, ‘yo’ is 4, ‘i’ is 1. Beta is something like hackneyed; it’s setup for the next line. It’s all just puns, Nisio is stuffing them in here)
Heh, I wonder if I could be called a ‘Betaran’.
(Recalling the Veteran/Betaran thing, and the beta thing)

Hanekawa: I really didn’t need that explanation.

Senjougahara: But we’re commentating! We have to talk about the inside story.

Hanekawa: I don’t think anyone wants the inside story on bad gags.

Senjougahara: Hey, doesn’t episode 1 finish soon?

Hanekawa: That’s right. In the TV airing, the credit roll started about here.

Senjougahara: Oh, I remember. I have remembered. My name was below the little sisters so I was absolutely infuriated. Luckily that was amended for the disc version.

Hanekawa: Is it really something to get so mad over?

Senjougahara: I was so mad I threw a television at the television.

Hanekawa: You don’t even own one television at home. Come to think of it, how did you watch this?

Senjougahara: Oh, well I used the school’s Audio-visual room at night.

Hanekawa: You do some scary things.

Senjougahara: It’s not scary at all. To say that the school at night-time is scary…  Ohoho, I’m not a kid, you know.

Hanekawa: “Ohoho”? What are you, a Manga Club member? No, the scary part is the fact that you visit the school in the middle of night to watch TV.

Senjougahara: I didn’t say I was alone.

Hanekawa: Oh, so you were with someone else.

Senjougahara: No, I was alone.

Hanekawa: You could have invited Kanbaru-san or Araragi-kun, perhaps.

Senjougahara: Oh, those two saw it together at Kanbaru’s place, apparently.

Hanekawa: Get mad. You should get mad at that.

Senjougahara: But Kanbaru was so happy. I’m soft when it comes to her.

Hanekawa: Surely that’s way too soft. Weren’t you going to wring her neck?

Senjougahara: If I were Senjougahara Yuzan, Kanbaru would be Kurita Suruga, maybe even Tobisawa Suruga.
(Referring to the characters from Oishinbou)

Hanekawa: The only bits that overlapped were ‘hara’, right, and for Kaibara isn’t it ‘bara’?
(Evaluating Senjougahara’s jokes again)
Now again, please don’t just say the first thing that pops into your mind, Senjougahara-san. I’m saying this for you sake, you know!

Senjougahara: What? The way you’ve been going on and on so noisily has been for my sake?

Hanekawa: It was all just noise to you, then…

Senjougahara: Look at Araragi-kun and Hachikuji-chan. They were so audaciously cutting loose just before and yet now there’s this atmosphere of a particularly fulfilling conversation about to end.

Hanekawa: It does have that kind of atmosphere, doesn’t it? Even though they didn’t really do much except engage in some skirt-peeking and other fun.

Senjougahara: “I won’t even give anyone else enough time to save you” is such a grandiose thing to say. Say those kinds of things to me!

Hanekawa: To think I would see Senjougahara-san ask so honestly.

Senjougahara: Episode 1, the end.

*ED Starts*

Hanekawa: And here’s the Ending Theme! “Naisho no Hanashi” by ClariS!

Senjougahara: WELL SAID!

Hanekawa: What? Why are you suddenly shouting? That surprised me!

Senjougahara: No, really. Well, well, WELL SAID is what I wanted to say, really, Araragi, if it gets to that point it’ll be too late, I didn’t think I’d be left here for all that time you know!

Hanekawa: This has been building up…

Senjougahara: If we compare it to this song, that kidnapping at the start makes sense now, don’t you think? Everything is Araragi’s fault.

Hanekawa: Don’t refer to him without an honorific! Well, I guess it’s okay since you’re boyfriend and girlfriend.

Senjougahara: Also, we forgot to check before, but I wonder, out of my name and Araragi Tsukihi’s name: which one came up first?

Hanekawa: Come on, you don’t have to get involved in that. Show everyone how mature you are.

Senjougahara: No, this is where the line has to be drawn. You see, I’m not aiming for a grandmother’s level of niceness, but an older sister’s level of niceness.

Hanekawa: Rather than an adult’s maturity, this is like an adult’s methods, isn’t it?

Senjougahara: So in the second episode, Araragi-kun’s other little sister makes her appearance, right?

Hanekawa: Yeah, she starts showing up herself from the second episode onwards.

Senjougahara: Even though the title is Karen Bee. This is what’s meant by a title in name only.

Hanekawa: If we’re going to talk about that, then come on, what about me? For me, Tsubasa Cat was the title, and yet do you remember that arc’s second episode?

Senjougahara: You’ve just stepped on the Monogatari Series’ biggest landmine. Yes, this is point where you’d surely have to say, “I stepped on the cat!”
(The Japanese name for Flea Waltz)

Hanekawa: What are you talking about? For whose sake are you summing everything up for?

Senjougahara: Now that things have been summed up nicely, onto the long awaited next episode.

Hanekawa: I don’t think they have been, but it looks like there’s nothing else to do. But first, the preview!

*PV Starts*

Senjougahara: What’s this character supposed to be? WHO is this character supposed to be? Since when did our show have someone with this kind of character?

Hanekawa: What could have happened to Sengoku-chan?
The fire sisters advance into the main series with this show, so this time we decided to share the load, in order, one by one. You did one too, right Senjougahara-san?

Senjougahara: Indeed I did. My beautiful voice for it is recorded on this disc, even.

Hanekawa: Because of the way you praise yourself, people’s impressions of you worsen, you know.

Senjougahara: I see that the tradition for this series to have previews that don’t actually preview anything has continued. “Here we go, check it out!”

Hanekawa: It’s a phrase that couldn’t sound cool no matter who says it, don’t you think?

Senjougahara: To be continued in the next episode.

Hanekawa: To be continued!