March of the Penguins 2 - Sonic buys some Weed

Greetings and salutations. In this excerpt, which you are about to read, you will learn about Alfonz. Alfonz is a man, a man in Equestria. But you see, in this Equestria, there are no stallions, there are no foals, but there ARE copious amounts of hormonally crazed mares. Alfonz is quite strict on his "no porking colorful equines" policy, though, and this makes his life there very difficult.

In this wacky adventure, he has just been exposed to a bizarre stone that happened to contain extreme magical potency! Well played, mysterious sender, well played! And now, he's only about two or three inches tall, in Ponyville, rape capital of Equestria! Well ain't that some shit?

Oh what fun he will have!

***

...Alfonz was definitely himself, but much, much smaller. The crystal was nowhere to be found, of course. Silently he hoped it had been destroyed in the process, as he feared others might suffer the same fate should they come across it. The how and the why of the situation would have to come later, as he realized the extent of the danger he was in. Perhaps life as beetle would have been a more merciful one.

The man struggled through the grass with some effort, his body sore and his balance unsteady. The extreme change in perspective made it nearly impossible to tell where, exactly, he was – the architecture of the buildings in the distance being the only indication he was in Ponyville at all. The man was on high alert, trying to keep track of every angle to detect incoming threats. Unfortunately for him, this was easier said than done.

He could hear it before he could see it. The pony’s hooves made an impact that reverberated through the grass and into his bones. He felt like he was in Jurassic Park, and this was where the cup of water would start to twitch ever so slightly, alerting the oblivious cast of their impending doom. It was a terrible feeling, needless to say. Fearing what the encroaching equine might do if they found him, Alfonz endured the serious risk of being crushed as he dove into the grass, lying flat against the jungle of blades in an attempt to hide.

The sound of the pony’s approach grew louder and louder – the grass that held Alfonz in place seemed to shift with each fall of the creature’s hooves – and then, without warning, as it reached its loudest, it stopped. The man held his breath.

“Hello?”

The sound was like thunder, but the implications were far worse than the ringing in his ears. How the hell had he been seen already?

“Are you still there?”

Alfonz was not an idiot. As innocent as the voice sounded, he knew that his doom lay beyond if he replied. He would risk being trod upon with the equine’s departure a thousand times before he gave himself up. But, unfortunately, the decision was not up to him. The grass around him, that which engulfed his vision, suddenly grew darker, as if stormy skies had rushed in out of nowhere.

“There you are!” the voice said with notable satisfaction, almost relieved. Alfonz, unwilling to meet his fate, did not stir. The man was slowly pulled from the safety of the grass, the impossibly large world around him rising up before his eyes. A thin veil of cyan energy hung around his view; the telltale signs of a unicorn’s magic at work. If nothing else, he had become quite familiar with it.

“I saw a really bright flash, and then I saw you in the grass!” the voice explained, turning his limp form around. If Alfonz wasn’t sure of his doom before, he definitely was now. “I had heard the others talking about something like you. But they said you were a giant! Were you always this small?”

The mint skin; the cyan mane; the lyre cutie mark looming an impossibly large distance away; yep, it was Lyra alright.

“Hey, can’t you understand me?” the mare questioned with a sincere look of concern, jostling the tiny human to try and wake him from his stupor. “Don’t tell me you don’t speak our language!”

“Uh…no hablabla engliese,” the man responded in a shameful butchery of the Spanish language. Lyra gave him a strange look.

“I guess I’ll just have to teach you,” she concluded with subdued gusto. Alfonz grimaced. Every time the unicorn opened her mouth, he felt as though he were in a wind tunnel. Even the slightest breeze – or the mare’s breath – was more than a little disorienting. And with her voice so close, he wondered if he would go deaf before she realized what she was doing to him.

“Would you like to come home with me?” Lyra asked suddenly, giving him an expectant grin. She spoke as if he were more a toy than a potential mate. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Regardless, his course was clear.

“No!” he cried, shaking his head frantically while waving his arms for dramatic effect. He had a feeling it wouldn’t be enough, though.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll warm up to the idea once we get there!” Lyra insisted with a smile, as if failing to register his refusal at all. “And does this mean we [i]do[/i] speak the same language?!”

God damn it.

The trip to the pony’s abode was surprisingly uneventful, given the fact that he, a tiny representation of a race with no natural place in Equestria, was suspended in front of the face of a unicorn that, from some angles, looked as though she were talking to herself. And there was definitely no shortage of Equestrians on their journey. Besides the occasional glance or the frequent blood-in-the-water look when they passed, they seemed genuinely uninterested in the bizarre scene before them.

Lyra’s home was as generic as it could be, mirroring the architecture of those buildings around it. The inside shared in the plainness, but Alfonz found it surprisingly cozy. Or, he would, had he been there under different circumstances. His unicorn captor made a clear path to the staircase, chatting away about how she had found him or why she was so interested in him. She didn’t even give him the common decency of a “would you like to join me in the bedroom?”, even if it was just the illusion of choice.

“I know it isn’t much, but it’s home!” she explained as they entered the bedroom proper. From Alfonz’s perspective, the room looked more like the Grand Canyon than a place of dwelling. With a large dresser to their right, a lounge couch at the opposite wall, and a large bed and nightstand looming in the distance, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where they were going next.

Except, maybe it did.

Instead of making a beeline for the bed as the man expected, Lyra instead brought him over to the couch. The mare crossed the massive expanse of the room in a few seconds, and it was only then that Alfonz truly realized how absolutely enormous the unicorn was on this scale. The revelation threatened to drain away any hope of escape, and he fought desperately to convince himself otherwise. His size, though, may yet be his salvation. If he was able to evade her sight for only a few seconds, he could hide in any number of places around the room.

Alfonz’s progress slowed to a half a few feet from the couch. The man was left hovering, confused and disoriented, at what felt like several hundred feet in the air. Just as he was about to question the mare’s motives, a flurry of movement shot past him, resulting in a gale that would have sent him soaring across the room if not for the unicorn’s magic.

By the time the man had regained his senses, he was already making a descent. Lyra was sprawled across the couch on her back, grinning up at him as he wafted over. The magic that suspended him cut out abruptly towards the end of the journey, throwing him into a free fall down toward the waiting mare. The man cried out in surprise, arms and legs flailing as he tried to position himself to any sort of degree. The impact was as sudden as the fall, but it definitely didn’t hurt as badly as he thought it would. Eyes closed tightly in anticipation, the man could feel the tight bristle of fur beneath him, as well as a warmth that seemed to engulf his entire body.

Eyes opening, Alfonz found himself balanced precariously on the mare’s snout, his arms and legs splayed on either side. The monstrously huge equine beamed at him with golden eyes, and although he couldn’t see it – for he dare not move – he could tell the unicorn was still grinning excitedly.

“Hi there!” she said with far too much enjoyment, going nearly cross-eyed in her attempts to look at him. The man only continued to stare in horrified awe at the sheer size of his abductor, at a clear loss for words. “You’re not very talkative, are you?” Alfonz shifted uneasily on his perch, the mare’s continued attempts to communicate jostling him about.

Everything seemed to slow to a crawl as the man weighed his options. He could try to communicate with Lyra, as she definitely didn’t seem as malicious as the other mares. He doubted he would get very far, however, if her previous dismissal of his woes was anything to go by. But would he have any greater chance trying to make a run for it? Sure, he could hide, but that would imply she would take her eyes off him for any amount of time. And, lying before the enormous sunglow orbs, he found that hard to believe.

But he had encountered such crappy odds before. Quite a lot, actually. It was basically standard procedure at this point.

Grasping clumps of fur, the man struggled to pull his legs up onto the mare’s nose. Crouched upon the snout of a monster, Alfonz released his hold on her fur and straightened, his arms out at his sides like a tightrope walker. Each breath of the gigantic equine threatened to send him tumbling down the side of her head, but he managed to keep his balance by some degree of miracle. With a deep breath, the tiny human hunkered into a squat before throwing himself into a mighty leap.

Time slowed again as he passed over the unicorn’s chin and neck. The man had never been one for parkour or, hell, even climbing trees. He saw his life flashing before his eyes, but shoed the images away with a snarl. No more self-reflective bullshit. He was getting the hell out of here, alive.

With this thought, reality caught up with him as he touched down onto Lyra’s chest. The man crumpled into a crouch upon impact, barely correcting a lack of balance that would have landed him on his back. Although his knees protested loudly, the man stood and took off down the minty fur of his captor, hoping to put some kind of distance between himself and her horn. Even then, he found it strange the mare had barely even reacted to his attempted escape; then again, he didn’t exactly turn around to confirm she hadn’t.

Upon reaching the unicorn’s waist, Alfonz turned and dropped onto the edge of the couch not occupied by his host. Grabbing another handful of fur as to not tip over the edge, the man once again considered his options, of which there was but one: he needed to get down. The drop seemed an impossibly large one, though, and he wondered if his legs would survive. With only a second of hesitation, the tiny human dropped off the couch and plunged through the air on a violent collision course with the floor.

To his absolute and complete surprise, Alfonz managed to roll as he landed, expertly negating most of the damage he would have suffered had he fallen straight down. Finally, video games had taught him something useful! Take that, naysayers!

Unfortunately, he hadn’t the time to appreciate yet another miracle. Alfonz couldn’t hear or feel any movement from his foe, and he wasn’t about to throw away such an inviting opportunity. If he could just reach the dresser, it might prove a large enough distraction for him to escape downstairs. The man took off in a sprint yet again, arms moving in almost perfect symmetry with his legs in a sloppy attempt at “professional running form”.

Despite pushing himself to his limits and beyond, Alfonz saw the world around him only continue to grow. No matter how fast he ran, the massive span didn’t seem to get any shorter. And then he heard it: a massive quake on the hardwood floor behind him. Lyra was moving, at last. He pushed himself harder, sweat building on his brow as he ran. He could feel – and hear – the movement of his abductor; the booming “clop” of hooves, followed by a shockwave that seemed to shake the entire room. At first, it was slow and isolated, but now, it was growing deafeningly loud and terrifyingly close.

A shadow descended over Alfonz as he ran. Looking up, he could see the gargantuan equine passing over him in one quick hop that seemed to last an eternity. Her underbelly blotted out the light like a solar eclipse, plunging him into a darkness that disappeared almost as quickly as it came. Lyra turned after stepping over him, pressing her head against the ground. Alfonz had a few seconds at best to stop himself from colliding with the immense cyan head, and he very nearly did just that. The man fell back onto his hindquarters, grasping in vain at the slick wooden floor to stop his progress.

He succeeded, but with only an inch or two to spare.

“Where do you think you’re off to, mister?” the unicorn asked playfully. Alfonz was spared the full effect of her voice due to the bizarre position of her head; although her eyes were pointed directly at him, her snout was pointed away at an angle. This did little to stop the sound from vibrating his bones, however.

“Please,” Alfonz began, still frozen in a display of recoiling horror. “Let me leave.”

“But we just got started!” the unicorn insisted with another wild grin, shifting so her chin was enduring most of the weight of her head. Before Alfonz could reply, he found himself under the mare’s magical influence yet again. Lyra’s ridiculous grin followed him as he ascended, finally coming to a rest when he was at eye-level of the pony at her full height. With a particularly bright glow of her horn, Lyra gently pulled the man’s limbs to their maximum, as if inspecting the individual parts of his body.

“So formal!” she exclaimed, her magic tugging tentatively at the man’s clothes. Alfonz instinctively pulled his shirt back into place, wondering silently if things had just taken a darker turn. Lyra seemed to find this amusing. Ceasing her poking and prodding, the gargantuan equine placed her captive back onto her snout and giggled as the man instinctively wrapped his arms around her to keep his balance. The unicorn began to prance about, like a small child playing with a toy. Even though he was just sitting in terrified silence on her nose, she acted as if she was having the time of her life. He almost felt bad about poking her in the eye.

Immediately, the mare yet out a yelp of pain. Even with an iron grip on her fur, Alfonz was dislodged from his perch with the resulting jolt and was sent freefalling toward the floor. Thankfully, due to the position of her head when he fell, he was not far from the equine’s enormous body. The man used his hands and feet to try and stop his descent, but found himself losing his grip repeatedly on his abductor’s short, slick hair.

And despite the enormity of his aggressor, he was swiftly running out of fur to grab.

As the man closed his eyes in anticipation of the impact, he found himself, instead, clinging to the mare’s side, his feet dangling precariously over the open space beneath him. Thankfully, his position on her flank was not far from one of her legs, giving him a means down that didn’t involve another leap of faith.

“Ow!”

With only a few more feet left to descend, the man was abruptly launched across the room. Lyra had kicked out her leg – almost out of instinct, as he accidentally pulled too hard on a clump of fur – and sent the man sliding across the hardwood on. Alfonz’s mouth opened in a silent cry of pain as he landed, his shoulder sending a wave of pain across his body. But it wasn’t all bad; the tiny human had come to rest a foot away from the stairs and, beyond them, freedom.

With no time to spare on his injuries, Alfonz struggled to his feet and hobbled over to the stairs. Although he could feel only pain radiating from his right arm, he could still move it, and that was good enough. Sliding into a sitting position as he neared, the man swiftly dropped down to the next step and repeated the process as quickly as he could. His progress, much like before, was painfully slow, however. It was only a matter of time before Lyra caught up with him.

As he completed that thought, he felt the advance of his abductor and heard the thunderous sound of hooves on hardwood. It was moving at a faster pace than ever and, a moment later, he felt the shadow of the monstrous horse looming over him from the top of the stairs. By now, he had barely cleared the first four steps, and had no way to speed of his progress sans throwing himself over the side, to certain death. He could hear Lyra descending the stairs, and, for a moment, he thought she would overtake him and crush him underhoof. As the sound reached deafening levels, he found himself caught in another shimmering field of azure, suspended mid-way through his fall to the fifth step. His descent down the stairs continued, though, much to his surprise. He could feel the breath of the equine behind him, and it came in short, powerful bursts.

She wasn’t happy.

“That was very, very rude!” she fumed as they reached the landing, the man held at around chest level. The magic that held him suddenly jolted, slamming the tiny human against the wall opposite the stairs with a force that tore the air from his lungs. His shoulder stung with renewed pain, and he could feel the gargantuan pony drawing closer. “I’m sorry, but you made me do this!”

A look of wicked pleasure flashed across Lyra’s features as she spoke, and it did not go unnoticed. She maintained her false anger as she turned her back on him in a huff. It was only then that Alfonz noticed he was dangerously level with the mare’s hindquarters.

And then, with abrupt violence, his field of view was filled with the unicorn’s minty fur. She had slammed her rear against him, pinning him to the wall as soon as her magic released its hold. The short fibers of hair he was pressed against felt like knives poking holes in his skin, and the pressure on his chest, waist, and legs was enormous. Thankfully, she had aimed well enough to keep his head relatively free, but he found himself having to fight to take a clear breath of air every now and again.

And the [i]heat[/i]. The mare’s body warmth alone made him feel as though he was in a sauna.

The pressure only continued to grow as Lyra lowered the front of her body to the ground. All four hooves appeared to be aiding her in her efforts now, the mare twitching and shifting at random, as if trying to smear him across the wall. At this point, each breath the man took came in desperate gasps. Alfonz wasn’t sure if the unicorn was trying to kill him, or had simply lost herself in her own ecstasy; from between the fur slowly driving itself into his skin, he could see her face contorted in a bizarre and intense form of pleasure.

“Please,” he gasped, tugging on clumps of hair as hard as he could. “I can’t…breathe!”

The mare was too far gone to care, if she cared at all. The tiny human could feel his bones breaking, the strain so intense he let out a silent, defiant scream. And then, suddenly, it was over.

Lyra teetered unsteadily, her eyes unfocused and misty. With no magic or equine rump holding him up, Alfonz slid to the base of the wall in a heap, grasping at his chest as he tried to regain his composure. A moment after he reached the ground, the unicorn’s rear smacked against the wall with a loud thump, where she continued to twist and gyrate as if he were still in her possession. The man coughed as he rolled over, his hands jumping to his mouth in an effort to stifle the noise. The oblivious mare hadn’t noticed the loss, and he had no intention of giving himself away.

Alfonz swallowed what remained of his pain and crawled his way toward freedom. The door, his glorious salvation, was just down the hall. At first, all he could muster was a struggling crawl. But as he moved closer and closer to freedom, he found his strength returning. If he could just get through that door, he would be free. The man stood up, transitioning into a limp. There would be so many places to hide, and the unicorn would not find him again. He broke into a hobble run, the glorious doorway before him shifting in and out of view as his head bobbed. Lyra was finally preoccupied, but he didn’t know for how long. This was his only shot, and by God, he was going to take it.

Although it felt like an eternity, the man finally reached his destination, and hesitated before it. He couldn’t exactly open the door, but perhaps he didn’t have to. Light was bleeding into the hallway from underneath the door; apparently, ponies didn’t care very much about airtightness. Alfonz lowered himself to the ground with a wince of pain, flattening himself as much as he could. Perhaps the events prior had been a blessing in disguise; the crazed mare’s rump had certainly made him more compact than he had been prior.

The man pushed through the crack with his legs, managing to get his head and chest out with little difficulty. The rest came even more easily as he used his arms to pull the remainder of his body free. Free. Just like that, he was free from a nightmare.

Or was he?

***

Stay tuned for part 2, where Alfonz encounters a strange red mare on the prowl! Or don't, I won't hold it against you!