i cant wait til the summer
everythings been so shit recently
only thing that's been going "good" is that school is easy but on the flip side i never get challenged ig
on the other side for summer, i also was in the shits during the summer however also had a great time
but next year im gonna be working and cant chill with friends
everyone keeps saying it'll get better but it isn't getting better its just getting worse
i don't tell anyone shit because they're either too busy to listen, or i dont want to tell people because i really don't want people to worry about me or feel bad or sad
i just wanna make sure people are happy
i always check in with my friends and ask if they had a good day and make sure they're doing well
and honestly i just think i do that because im feeling so shit that i just want people to not be like me
i dont want my friends to be a fucking super depressed lonely dude who sits at home all day and plays the same game he's played for 6 years, the one who doesn't do anything at school or plays any sports
but thats not hard as my best friends are literally the polar opposites of me and all my other friends are kinda the opposite of me
especially my best friends are the opposite of me, they're all smart, social, good looking, strong, actually does shit with their lives
and i dont really tell anyone because i dont want to offend anyone but im kinda jealous of my best friends
like for example noah's been going out and doing a ton of shit, yesterday he hung out with his girlfriend all day and then today he went to homecoming today and is now at a party
the last time i hung out with friends was with you guys, and before that with you guys again
i've never had the fucking generic experience of just chilling hanging out with friends
and i tried to put in effort to make friends but it's super hard to make friends at school
everyone already has friend groups and does different stuff, and i dont want to sound racist but theres most of the kids in my school are hispanic or black, and the school culture is ghetto and i'm a nerdy white kid who reads and plays video games, i dont exactly fit in
and the school culture is ironic because it's a tech school
but yeah i've tried to put in effort and make friends at school but it's hard and pointless and literally i've joked about it for a few years but i deadass kinda want to go to your guys' school simply because i actually would have friends there
i know you guys, i know nick, i know noah, i know a few other peeps
i would be able to easily and actively do shit with my friends and actually see them
but i know that will never happen
and i've kinda just been riding out school so far having a really bad time
like the classes are really easy for the most part
i have no friends
and most of the kids are really annoying and talk a ton and are overall just cunts
the teachers are great at least
but still
it would be so much better if i had a few actual friends like i have with you guys
and honestly i kinda hate my life right now for those reasons
i know there isn't anything completely wrong with staying home playing video games a ton but i see everyone else being productive or social and just kinda get jealous
i've been trying to use snap less because i always see people hanging out with their friends because not including nick i hang out with my friends maybe three or four times a year max, so i get super jealous just seeing people hanging out with their friends
and like i said i dont wanna say i hate my life but its just that i feel so fucking boring and useless and lonely literally like every day
and i feel like every day is a bad day even if nothing bad happened because its just hard for me to genuinely feel happy
like when something good happens im kinda happy and excited for a bit but it wears off super quickly and i dont feel like im genuinely happy
and the overall thing is i feel like all this shit is my fault
i should try to make a difference and fix this shit but i just can't
for a lot of shit i can't even find basic motivation to do anymore
in all honesty my eating problems aren't completely from my meds, just eventually i lose the motivation to eat food during a meal even if im still hungry
and i guess the good part is that i wont ever do shit to myself for feeling depressed or blaming myself
i wont cut and i wont drink or i wont do any other bad shit
but the alternative is sitting there with all this shit constantly going around my head
i'm too much of a pussy to do any bad shit to myself
also since my main thing is making sure other people are happy if i did anything to myself it would just make people sad and i dont want to do that
and i know that's kinda stupid i guess this mindset because in all honesty i dont really care about myself, i just try to make others happy
i dont want to sound like some egotistical selfless prick but it's kinda true
i ask people how their day was and check in and make sure they're doing good all the time because no one ever did it to me and it would've made me so much happier, so i just wanna make sure my friends are happy
the way i treat people is the way i've wanted to be treated
because i try and make them happy
but yeah i just don't know what to do
i have my reasons for not telling anyone or going to a therapist
dont trust any adults, trust my friends more
all this shit especially as it gets worse and worse would just be hard on my mom
especially since the shit with my sister has been getting worse and worse
and i dont want to just stack this on top of that
i'm kinda hoping just to ride it out til college and hope things will change there but that's a retarded mindset because i'm just gonna be having bad days and be super depressed for by that point like 7 years and i just want everything to fucking change
i just want a point in my life where im consistently happy
where im hanging out with friends at least once a month or every other month
a point where im not at home playing video games all day every day
but i dont know what to do to get to that point
and also i dont really have the motivation to do it
and in that sense i just mean i cant bring myself to do it
i dont know why
might just be mega anxiety
whats weird is i normally have an event in the future to look forward to, like end of school

but end of school is gonna mean camp, and while im gonna be happy to work i wont be able to hang out with my friends
right now im really just looking forward to everything getting better but for all i know that could take years
hell i dont even know if shits gonna get better
it's been bad for like 5 years now
everyone is saying shit will get better and i want to believe them but i cant
i don't mean to sound like a super depressing downer but
i think one of the things i want (maybe not the most but still) is a normal life. i remember wishing in 5th/6th grade that my family could be whole ig

parents divorced in like 4th grade, and my sister has been at boarding school since summer btwn 6th and 7th grade. she is gonna be graduating and going to a different school, but she thinks she is ready to come home instead when in reality she probably wont be out of boarding school until college

my school is kinda weird and doesn't have a lot of clubs or sports, and i wouldnt mind getting back into sports if my school actually had shit for it but they don't really

one of the biggest is i've never had the generic experience of just hanging out with friends, whether it be planned or just randomly after school. i just want the experience of just chilling and hanging out with friends, but i probably won't ever get that experience unless I either make friends in the city (doubt I will), wait til college, or move up to you guys which honestly i kinda want to do because i'd be happier in the social sense but i know it's a stupid idea
essentially:
- been really mood/sensitive/angry/mood swings have been occurring more frequently
- sleeping problems are still on and off, some times im waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes im sleeping through
- i don't know why but ive been comparing myself to my friends a ton recently, and i dont know why i am because it just makes me feel worse about myself
- i've been having a lot of fun playing arma recently and i've learned like military tactics but at the end of the day when i log off and hop in bed I just feel completely useless, like everything i do is pointless. the only club i'm in is dungeon's & dragons, which is the only club i've been in for all of high school. i just feel useless and everything feels pointless
another thing is theres a lot of problems i have and i have the motivation to fix them but can't for whatever reason, mostly just because i don't do them
all my problems are my fuckin fault and im too shitty to fix them
i dont fuckin know anymore
im just getting through day by day
sometimes days are bad, sometimes days just nothing good happens or something small that is bad happens and its a bad day
sometimes i have good thoughts and sometimes i have bad thoughts
im just kinda waiting for something to happen yet it never will
i need to do something about it but i just cant for whatever reason
whether due to motivation or drive or willpower or just anxiety
plus since all my friends have been busy i haven't been able to talk to them besides you or get advice
also its a lot easier to tell people stuff on discord
honestly the thing i want and think the most about is friends in the city
not necessarily school friends just a group of people i hang out with and do stuff with in the city so i dont stay home all the time
and making friends at school is hard and nick says he thinks im not trying as much as i can and while he's also right my social skills are horrible and its hard for me to make friends
and im too much of a pussy to tell people when somethings up, i just drop hints and hope they notice because (im assuming due to all the shit w/ my sister) i love attention because i got a lack of it so:
1. if they notice and ask whats up i feel really good
2. they don't notice - normal outcome
i kinda am really clingy, i depend on my friends a ton especially recently and i feel like a dick about it
especially because i kinda just feel shitty when stuff like noah where it takes him 1-2+ hours to snap me back when i check snap map and hes constantly on snap
and id ont want to tell my friends this because i'll just seem stupid and kinda aholeish

like i don't want to tell noah that literally the best part of my day normally is when we snap because it's the first time i actually am talking to friends actively which i actually never have done since before this summer
like literally i added someone on quick add who i haven't talked to in several years, and that was only because our parents are friends, and i literally have snapped him more in one day (not including streaks) than i have snapped noah in the last week or two and nick since summer
christ im shit i shouldnt get worked up over these things
im so fucking stupid
but a lot of my shit is so stupid and petty and ill probably just come off as a cunt, and for all i know my friendships/opinion isn't the same and they only keep me as a friend because if i didn't have my friends i would probably just get super depressed and suicidal
also the stuff with nick not telling me is stupid and i dont know why, he didnt tell me over the summer he was drinking and when i thought something was up i had to ask other people to tell me and then when i asked him he said he wasn't gonna tell me because something like unless i asked or like he didnt think it was important
and it just kinda pisses me off that he doesn't tell me shit and i dont know why
makes me feel like im useless
makes me feel like they dont trust me
especially my best friend who's been the only real long term friend i've had
i dont count noah since we've only been friends for a year and a bit (technically two summers)
all my thoughts on shit is stupid because i'm just super sensitive and kinda just fucked up right now so of course my reactions will be fucking retarded
i just wish everything was fixed
like people said it'll take time but some of these problems have been problems for a while
and people tell me to have hope but literally all my hope is gone
honestly idk how i havent done any bad stuff
with all the shit happening
i've kinda lost hope anything is gonna get better
stuff just keeps getting worse
i just keep feeling like shit
i get suicidal thoughts occasionally and ignore them
it's less "i should do x" and more "how have i not done x"
and honestly? i fuckin hate my life
school wise i love my teachers and classes are decent, but i dont like the people at my school
socially i have ZERO friends in the city, you guys are my only friends besides a few people from camp I talk to
and my best friend isn't telling me shit once again and just making me feel like i did something wrong and for all i know i did
my second best friend has barely been responding to me on snap recently and every time i snap him i feel like im being a burden since i try to snap him like every day
all my other friends who i talk to i only talk to like once a week
my social life is literally nonexistant
i havent done stuff with friends since bowling
and then i watch everyone be social and do social shit and get super jealous and then i feel like a total cunt for feeling jealous
and mental wise im kinda fucked too
some of the problems i've had (social for example) i've had for a few years, some of them (hygiene issues) i've had my whole fuckin life and retarded me still cant fucking fix them, and some of the other ones i've had on and off and some are recent
and i just don't know what to do anymore
so many bads are fucking bad days
and its just so retarded
and for my friends for all i know they only talk to me because they know i'd just be so fucking depressed without them
because thats the only thing holding me from just not caring about anything anymore
i love my family but they don't mean nearly as much to me as my friends do
and thats why i dont tell my friends some of the stuff about them
i dont know what they will say
and im afraid of losing them
because i really don't know what i would do without my friends
they're the small part of my social life that still exists
small because i dont really do much with them and as of recently you're the only person i've talked to frequently out of all of my friends
i think i've figured out why i've been waking up at 6:50 as opposed to 7:30 but the reason sounds corny and retarded
i think it's because i really enjoy snapping noah and talking to nick, and thats the best time i can do it
so i wake up earlier so i can talk to my friends
sounds kinda stupid but
a lot of my thoughts are
i feel like i depend on my friends way to much
for example i like to talk to my friends a lot and if i dont i just feel shitty
and to be honest if i didnt have the friends i had now id probably be suicidal
i depend on them so much and like feel like it's a burden
not on me
on them
also im really sensitive so small things hit me hard
especially because my friends mean so much to me
for example i dont think nick knows it but he's probably the most important person in my life right now
my friends are way more important to me than my family right now
i love my family but i can talk to my friends so much more
so when one small bad thing happens i just completely overreact and get in a shit mood
also at the same time i feel like all my thoughts are stupid
because once again im super sensitive and overreact to shit
it just feels kinda stupid and corny to tell my friends that
like while i tell my friends a lot, i don't tell my true opinion on them (essentially that they're really important to me and stuff like that) is it just sounds kinda stupid
also feels stupid to tell noah that i kinda get mad when he doesnt snap me back after a while because i feel super clingy and kinda like a dick like im forcing him to focus on me
i dont want to try and make myself the center of peoples attention just so i can have interaction
i dont want to force every single interaction
you ever just randomly feel like shit
happens to me a ton and i dont know why
mainly at the end of the day when im in bed
sometimes when small stuff happens i just get in a super shit mood
like in a time in my life when i feel super shit over the smallest things, and where i just am depressed, randomly feeling like shit doesnt help
it just makes me hate everything
thinking about it it'd probably happen less if i had friends in the city as imo that is my biggest problem right now besides probably confidence
like i have people i talk to in school but not at all anywhere else
and i have 1-2 people from middle school i talk to on occasion
but i dont have any actual friends
i dont talk to people outside of school
dont do anything
literally have no friends in the city
im not social at all
the last time i did something with friends was with you guys
and before? also with you guys
not including with just nick
and i kinda think about this a lot, but in 8th grade i kinda joked that i wanted to go to suffernbecause my main friends at the time were nick, ron, nick, jake (dylan didn't play as much then)
but now i kinda deadass really want to
but i know it's a stupid thought just like all of my shitty thoughts
and not possible
and the change would be too much and not worth it just for me to have friends
so
yeah
and for making friends everyone says "just talk to people" or "just ask people to do something" but it isn't as easy as that
at least for you guys you can just take the bus to their house or bike or shit and or have your parents worry about picking you up
but for me most people live in other boroughs and it's just super hard to even navigate it especially when i dont know the area
and as much as i love city life i dont like city life thats been the one downer compared to up by you guys
i don't know anymore
all my thoughts are stupid
thats why i don't really tell people stuff anymore
one of the reasons
one of them is i don't know how they'll respond
the other is i dont want to sound stupid
i also feel like they'll be disappointed in me because i told them i'd try and i did try for a bit and it didnt work so i stopped caring about it
i've still been waking up every day at 6:40-6:50
weekdays
weekends
i still think it's because i can talk to nick and noah then in the morning
because it's the best part of my day when i talk to my friends, especially them
but at the same time noah normally takes a while to snap me back (assuming he's snapping his girlfriend) and nick we talk in text a lot but he never snaps me, when i snap him he doesnt snap back just opens it
and for you we mainly talk late at night or it's me just messaging you long messages in the middle of the night
all my encounters with people are always just "how are you doing" or me telling them about my problems
and it's always me initiating it
kinda annoying but probably just me thinking stupid
people dont tell me about their problems and on one hand i dont want to force it but i dont want to be self centered and just talk about me on the other hand

i dont know i just feel like all my thoughts are stupid and i try and force conversation too much
and im fucking stupid
for example i talk to my friends less
like the friend group we've been playing a ton
but individually the only person i talk to frequently is you
well i talk to nick, noah, and a few others frequently but i dont tell them stuff
i dont know the other reason why i don't tell them
i just don't want to
maybe im just afraid they won't care? idk

i was thinking about it
and i realized that at least 95% of the conversations i've had with friends in the past at least month have been be starting the conversation, otherwise my friends dont really talk to me
i get they have stuff going on like school and sports and afterschool shit to do and girlfriends/boyfriends to talk to, but the friendships feel super one-sided
like it would be nice if every once in a while someone at least asked me whats up or said hi, but no one ever does that
and whenever i do talk to people it takes them a while to respond
like i've messaged an israeli, had him fall asleep, then wake up the next day and message me back faster than some people respond to me
and once again i feel like an asshole thinking this way, i feel like im being super clingy
but still, i don't meet up with friends a lot so i try to talk to them at least somewhat, but after summer ended it's came down to either i start the conversation and ask them if anything is new/what's up or anything like that, or we don't talk for a few weeks