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| 1 | Your name is AMANDA SVILZERIAN, but you prefer JONESY. | |
| 2 | ||
| 3 | Your past career involved WARRIORS OF A SPACEBOUND NATURE, usually involving SETTING THINGS ON FIRE. You DIDN'T ENJOY THIS and, after a series of ESCAPADES, have made a NEW LIFE with a MAN YOU LOVE VERY MUCH. Despite this, you still have A PASSION FOR COMBAT BOTH ARMED AND UNARMED, reguarly attending a local FITE CLUB, and you WORK OUT in an attempt to keep your ATHLETIC FIGURE. Due to VARIOUS GENEROUS INDIVIDUALS and their ACTS OF KINDNESS, you are also a SUDDEN BILLIONAIRE, and you like to TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS whenever possible. You are fond of CHOCOLATE, FIFTIES ROCK AND ROLL and SWING, although not nessecarily all at once, and you enjoy GETTING SHITFACED on an IRREGULAR BASIS. You also have A BLOG, although you AREN'T GOOD WITH COMPUTERS and know only enough to update said blog. | |
| 4 | ||
| 5 | Your ZooChat handle is LadyofWar, and you take no shit from nobody. | |
| 6 | ||
| 7 | What will you do? | |
| 8 | ||
| 9 | ===> Retrieve arms from cupboard. | |
| 10 | ||
| 11 | This isn't the time for injokes damnit! | |
| 12 | ||
| 13 | ===> Jonesy: Visit Chocolate Fountain | |
| 14 | ||
| 15 | Yes. Hell yes. HELL. FUCKING. YES. | |
| 16 | ||
| 17 | You abscond downstairs to visit THE VERY BEST THING in your billionaire life. | |
| 18 | ||
| 19 | Your house's lower floor reveals a few more of your interests. You can COOK TO AN ADEQUETE DEGREE, although considering your husband's CARNIVOROUS LEANINGS it's NOT THAT HARD. You DABBLE IN VIDEO GAMING, although really you should take that SINTENDO 65 back upstairs at some point. | |
| 20 | ||
| 21 | You also enjoy SWIMMING IN A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN LIKE SOME KIND OF PERVERT. But getting out of its DESIGNATED CUPBOARD will take some effort. You might need some help with this one. | |
| 22 | ||
| 23 | ===> Jonesy: Make Smores | |
| 24 | ||
| 25 | This is never a bad idea! You grab the required materials from your CUPBOARD OF NIGHT AND SKULLS, which contains your significant other's SUGARY TREATS, and get to work. | |
| 26 | ||
| 27 | ===> | |
| 28 | ||
| 29 | Oops. Looks like you went overboard again. Oh well. Perhaps all these excess ones can be used as payment for whoever helps you set up your fountain. | |
| 30 | ||
| 31 | ===> Jonesy: Eat Smores | |
| 32 | ||
| 33 | On second thought, these are delicious. | |
| 34 | ||
| 35 | You eat all the smores. All of them. | |
| 36 | ||
| 37 | ===> Jonesy: Bathe in chocolate fountain. | |
| 38 | ||
| 39 | You would if you could! Being IDIOTICALLY DECEDANT is your FAVOURITE THING TO DO! But setting it up is complicated and needs another pair of hands to help you. It'd take far too long to connect all those pipes and stuff by yourself! Besides you don't have time to faff around, you have things to... | |
| 40 | ||
| 41 | Okay maybe you don't. But still! | |
| 42 | ||
| 43 | ===> Jonesy: Be Erebus Svilzerian. | |
| 44 | ||
| 45 | Oh alright then. | |
| 46 | ||
| 47 | Your name is EREBUS SVILZERIAN. | |
| 48 | ||
| 49 | As an IMMENSELY OLD POSTHUMAN, you can DO A LOT OF THINGS normal people can't. This includes LIFTING HEVY THINGS, MOVING REALLY FAST, seeing in the dark REALLY WELL and BEING ABLE TO CRUSH A MAN'S HEAD BETWEEN YOUR HANDS. You too are part of A SECT OF SPACE-BASED SOLDIERS, although you have ALSO LEFT THIS BEHIND for a NEW LIFE. As Jonesy's HUSBAND, your relationship is built on LARGE WEAPONS and STICKING IT TO THE MAN, with a side order of HUGS. You are good at hugs. | |
| 50 | ||
| 51 | You have a fascination for MIDNIGHT BLUE THINGS, to the point that your wife attempts to counter this with various ORANGE ITEMS. You also like BATS AND SKULLS, although any relation to any subcultures of any sort is a COINCIDENCE. You take care of your POWER ARMOR with a RITUALISTIC LEVEL OF CARE. You really, really like CHOCOLATE, and you also enjoy DRINKING THINGS POTENT ENOUGH TO FUEL VEHICLES. | |
| 52 | ||
| 53 | Your ZooChat handle is NoxNoctis, and you have to type with a pencil because keyboards are TOO SMALL. | |
| 54 | ||
| 55 | What will you do? | |
| 56 | ||
| 57 | ===> Erebus: Go downstairs. | |
| 58 | ||
| 59 | You head downstairs to find your wife struggling with the CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN, and the remains of another smore binge on the kitchen worktop. You though you'd caught a wiff of melting marshmallow earlier. It's hilarious when that happens. She can't seem to control herself. | |
| 60 | ||
| 61 | She asks for your help in setting the chocolate fountain up. | |
| 62 | ||
| 63 | ===> Erebus: Help set up the chocolate fountain. | |
| 64 | ||
| 65 | Between practised hands and guesswork, you manage to set up the chocolate fountain again. Mesmerising rivers of brown cascade down the sides. It's beautiful. Life is beautiful. | |
| 66 | ||
| 67 | Uh oh! Looks like your SINTENDO 65 has blown a fuse! This baby does tend to have an adverse effect on the electronics in the other areas of the house. Maybe you should have thought about that earlier. | |
| 68 | ||
| 69 | ===> Erebus: Bathe in chocolate fountain | |
| 70 | ||
| 71 | But who gives a shit? You jump into the fountain with your wife, abandoning decency in return for something King Midas would kill to experience. | |
| 72 | ||
| 73 | This is really silly and indecent. | |
| 74 | ||
| 75 | ===> Be Doomrider | |
| 76 | ||
| 77 | Your name has been lost in the mists of time, so now you go by the name DOOMRIDER. | |
| 78 | ||
| 79 | You are a DAEMON PRINCE in the thrall of SLAANESH, PRINCE OF EXCESS, and reside in the HELLISH DIMENSION called THE WARP. This means you have the most FUCKING AWESOME EXISTANCE a being could ask for. Amongst your interests are DRUGS, SEX, NEEDLES, ALCOHOL, ALCOHOL-FUELLED SEX, BEING ON FIRE, LOUD MUSIC, and in fact ALL OF THOSE AT ONCE PLUS MORE. Your head is indeed ON FIRE, but you are a daemon so that's allowed. You are also REALLY FUCKING HANDY with weapons of various kinds, but you prefer SWORDS of glowy and spiky natures. You can DRIVE A MOTORBIKE like no-one's business because technically it's an EXTENSION OF YOUR WILL. You love life and parties, and ARE ALWAYS SHITFACED ALL THE TIME. | |
| 80 | ||
| 81 | Your ZooChat handle is PrinceoftheRevel, although you have no need for flimsy technology. | |
| 82 | ||
| 83 | What will you do? | |
| 84 | ||
| 85 | ===> Doomrider: Snort a Khornite. | |
| 86 | ||
| 87 | *snnnnrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk* | |
| 88 | ||
| 89 | Phew. There he goes. You think ANGRY MARINES have more of a kick to them, but getting ahold of an Angry Marine is a CHALLENGE in and of itself, so you just snort the servants of the BLOOD GOD KHORNE to piss him off. | |
| 90 | ||
| 91 | Gods, you could go for an Angry Marine right now. | |
| 92 | ||
| 93 | ===> Jonesy: Check Sintendo 65 | |
| 94 | ||
| 95 | You cannot be Jonesy because she is currently being extremely silly. | |
| 96 | ||
| 97 | You go back to being Doomrider, who now wants a lot of chocolate to go with that Angry Marine. | |
| 98 | ||
| 99 | ===> Doomrider: Express your artistic side | |
| 100 | ||
| 101 | You make a Noah's Ark out of crack, with a living unicorn figurehead made out of cocaine. You also add some sails made of marijuana leaves. | |
| 102 | ||
| 103 | Hey, if some human dude can cut a cow in half for art, you can make a bote out of drugs. | |
| 104 | ||
| 105 | ===> Doomrider: Visit the Silverzians | |
| 106 | ||
| 107 | That sounds like a good plan. If your EXCESS SENSES are still as sharp as they used to be (who are you kidding, they always are), there's some pretty awesome shit going down there, and you want in on it. | |
| 108 | ||
| 109 | You hop aboard the HMS Fuck Yeah, bust open A RIFT IN TIME AND SPACE and ride the ship with your curvy daemonette crew through said rift, transporting your cokebote to the Sivlzerian residence. However, since you're ALWAYS SHITFACED ALL THE TIME, you misjudge the distance somewhat and crash through their kitchen wall whilst they are in the middle of being silly. | |
| 110 | ||
| 111 | ===> Doomrider: Resist urge to shout "OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" | |
| 112 | ||
| 113 | You fail spectacularly. | |
| 114 | ||
| 115 | ===> Doomrider: Backflip into chocolate fountain | |
| 116 | ||
| 117 | You backflip off the figurehead of the cokebote and land with a SPLOSH in the choclately morrass. That backflip was textbook. It would have made Neo quit his job and let you take care of the machines. You are the One. It's you. | |
| 118 | ||
| 119 | Erebus seems a bit displeased to have his quality time interrupted. Clearly, he needs to snort some coke and chill out. Jonesy, however, whoops and gives you the devil horns like it's no big thing. If she lived in the universe you came from, she would have made Slaanesh proud. | |
| 120 | ||
| 121 | ===> Wall: Complain about this turn of events. | |
| 122 | ||
| 123 | Your name is WALL!!!!! | |
| 124 | ||
| 125 | You are a DEMON of some sort that can only MANIFEST in WALLS AND CEILINGS OF VARIOUS KINDS. Whilst you prefer the usual STONE AND BRICK WALLS, you once defeated a NOTORIOUS VILLAIN by manifesting in his STOMACH WALLS. However, you mostly abuse this power to BE AN INCREDIBLE PERVERT, appearing in areas YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO GO. You also have the power to vomit WORMS!!!!!!! You are big fans of WOMEN WITH CHOICE ASSETS and ALCHOHOL, preferably both combined. You enjoy a GOOD PARTY, and you are totally BEST BUDS with SHUMA-GORATH, LORD OF THE CHAOS DIMENSION. | |
| 126 | ||
| 127 | You don't have a ZooChat handle because you are BAD WITH COMPUTERS. | |
| 128 | ||
| 129 | You are also really pissed off because you thought you might be able to scope out some Jonesy today without Erebus doing that thing where he LEANS ON YOU in a way that ISN'T REALLY ACCIDENTAL, but instead DOOMRIDER got all in your grill. You like Doomrider, but you wish he wouldn't keep gettin in your grill. | |
| 130 | ||
| 131 | What will you do? | |
| 132 | ||
| 133 | ===> Wall: Snort that ship! | |
| 134 | ||
| 135 | This is a retarded idea but you do it anyway, because you are NOT THAT SMART. | |
| 136 | ||
| 137 | WOOOAAAAAH CHECK THE COLOURS MAN | |
| 138 | ||
| 139 | ===> Be literally anyone else | |
| 140 | ||
| 141 | Okay then. | |
| 142 | ||
| 143 | Your name is EDWARD RIGGNAROK, but you prefer EDDIE RIGGS because FUCK THE MAN. | |
| 144 | ||
| 145 | You are a HALF-DEMON ROADIE, one of the best occupations ever. Your outlook on life is that everything is FUCKING AWESOME, and that sentiment is expressed via HEAVY METAL. You pretty much live and breathe the stuff. You are the official ROADIE, and unofficial LEADER, of IRONHEADE, a conglomeration of WEIRD MUTANTS AND REBELS that look like A METAL ALBUM COVER came to life who are out looking to ROCK and HAVE A GOOD TIME. You are a DAB HAND with your stupidly oversized BATTLEAXE, and frequently use your GUITAR, CLEMENTINE, to MANIUPLATE THE WORLD WITH THE POWER OF ROCK. You have BOATLOADS OF CHARISMA and AN INFECTIOUS OPTIMISM, and enjoy a COLD ONE now and then, but you DISLIKE GETTING DRUNK because you have RESPONSIBILITIES to your crew. You HATE OCTAGONS for some reason. | |
| 146 | ||
| 147 | Your ZooChat handle is LeatherRebel and \m/ everything is amazing!!!!! \m/ | |
| 148 | ||
| 149 | You are currently on board your TOUR BUS, trying not to fall over as it sways and swerves, threatening to tip over at any moment. | |
| 150 | ||
| 151 | - | What will you do? |
| 151 | + | |
| 152 | ||
| 153 | ===> Soundtrack: be rockin'. | |
| 154 | ||
| 155 | Of course it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EVVKNcI48Y | |
| 156 | ||
| 157 | Your music taste is SOMEWHAT ARCHAIC, in that you will only listen to METAL FROM THE EARLY SEVENTIES. However, judging by the blog posts Jonesy and Co. have been making, it's the Nineties, and a decent number of POWER METAL bands turn up around then. You can live with that, you suppose. | |
| 158 | ||
| 159 | ===> Eddie: Yell at the driver. | |
| 160 | ||
| 161 | You yell at MANGUS to drive fuckin' straight already! He yells back that if you wanted a comfortable ride, you shouldn't have decided to give this bus suspension like the calves of a mastodon. | |
| 162 | ||
| 163 | Mangus is KIND OF AN EMBARASSMENT. He's your ROADIE IN TRAINING, but despite him being REALLY GOOD at it, he lacks basic hygeine and is generally clueless about things. However, since your driving experience is limited to HOT RODS FORGED BY THE GODS OF METAL, he's the only one who can keep this thing on more than two wheels. He's pretty proud of the bus, to be honest. |
