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 >"Anon! Come to my tea party!"
 >oh goody, this shit again
 >this spoiled little brat has been bugging you every day for the last week to come to her house and sip tea with her
 >it started with her informing you that she was having one and that you should come
 >every denial since has just pissed her off that much more
 >ugh
 >well, at least that other little shit isn't with her this time
 "You're seriously banging on about this again?"
 >she just glares over her glasses at you
 "You can't just drop it and let me ignore you like everyone else should?"
 >her brow furrows deeper
 "...Yknow what? Sure. Fine. Right now, you, me, tea. Let's go."
 >she blinks in surprise
 >"Y-you will?"
 >oh, so she's bitchy AND deaf
 "If it'll shut you up, sure. Penny Royalty near the Carousel Boutique, right? Let's get this travesty over with."
 >she blinks again, before shaking her head
 >grabbing onto your pants leg with her teeth, she starts pulling you in another direction
 >"No! My house! I wouldn't want to, uh, to be seen with the likes of you at someplace like that!"
 >...pfft, the hell was that excuse?
 >you'd have to be thicker than AJ's hips not to catch that stammer
 >but it's at least closer to Flutter's cottage where you're crashing
 "...One. One cup of tea. And then you'll shut up about this."
 >"Fine."
 >she stomps towards home, and you follow, watching her tail swish with every step
 >who the hell taught her to walk like that?
 >nopony sashays anywhere
 >...eh, strike that, Rarity does
 >exception that proves the rule though
 >cup of tea, 10 minutes tops, and you can be rid of this shrill little harpy and her demands
 
 >holy shit
 >well... maybe two cups of tea
 >if only to give you time to fully appreciate the goddamn mansion she dragged you to
 >this thing had to have a dozen, scratch that, dozens of rooms
 >you look up and admire the fine tin roof
 >your steps echo off of the real wooden floors
 >you're only in the main foyer, but you can already spy one, two, three staircases leading to the second and third floors
 >wait... does that center one even go anywhere?
 >the little terror doesn't give you too much time to gawk at the decorations though
 >and there are a lot of decorations you'd like to gawk at
 >instead, she's already trotting ahead through the house
 >"Mooooooom! I brought a guest hoooooooome!"
 >she shouts up one of the staircases
 >"Daaaaaaad?"
 >you sincerely hope for her future husband that she grows out of that shrill voice
 >it's like a nail in your ear
 >she trots through the kitchen, smacking her hoof on an almost-hidden door as she passes
 >"Handy, guest. Make some tea!"
 >the door swings open (about smacks you in the nose) and out trots a black-coated stallion
 >he trots stoically in front of you towards the stove, rummaging through cabinets for a kettle and some rather expensive-looking tools
 >all that for tea?
 >"Anon! Come on!"
 >yeesh
 >you nod at the elderly gentlepone and he gives you a tired smile and slight nod in return
 >"Missus requests your presence,"
 >he notes casually as he digs through the pantry for tea leaves
 >requests isn't the word you'd use
 >but you follow the echo of her footsteps, trying to catch up
 
 >"Daaaaaaaa-- oh! Daddy, there you are, I thought you"
 >"Would be upstairs in my study? Haha, but then I wouldn't be able to hear when my favorite little sailor got home! Ready to pick back up?"
 >you follow the voices to a hallway and see Silver on the knee of who could only be her father
 >(discounting the fact that you heard her call him Daddy)
 >strong jaw, wide shoulders, white coat
 >you've never seen a bald pony before now, but his mane is conspicuously absent
 >or maybe he just moved it all to that glorious handlebar mustache
 >"Er... remember I was telling you about that friend I made?"
 >she must be talking about some other schmuck, you don't recall agreeing to be her friend
 >"Well, his schedule finally opened up,"
 >yes, your schedule was previously full of ignoring her demands
 >"and he asked to come by and have a cup of tea with me! Anon, meet my daddy!"
 >she beckons you over with a look
 >you can't tell whether it's supposed to be threatening or pleading
 >...
 >ugh, dis bitch crazy, but you're not about to call her a cunt to her dad's face
 >you put on your least convincing smile and stride over to shake hands... hooves... shake appendages
 >his grip is surprisingly strong for a creature without opposable thumbs
 "Hi, uh... sir. My name's Anonymous."
 >there, greeting concluded, let's just
 >"Yes, yes, I've heard all about you, my boy! Come now, come now, sit down, clear a space off..."
 >nnngh, this was supposed to be a quick trip
 >dammit Spoon
 >"I'm sure my name precedes me, but just for formality's sake, I'm Sacks Galore,"
 >you clear your throat to stifle a derisive snort
 >how much must his parents have hated him to name him that?
 >"owner of the PG, the Dragons, and co-owner of Sofa So-Good, among other such institutions. I must say,"
 >he levels his gaze at you
 >it's not accusatory, but certainly puzzled
 >"I was rather surprised to hear that my little girl had made friends with the first human ever to enter Equestria..."
 
 "Well actually--"
 >you start
 >Silver's eyes shrink to pinpricks and she shakes her head as discretely as she can
 >"But here you are! Ever since you've arrived, I've wanted the opportunity to talk with the famous outworlder, learn about his land and customs, and here he is in my study! What luck that you two became such fast friends!"
 >oh
 >OH
 >so this is what she wanted you here for
 >just some thinly-veiled pretense to show you off as a status symbol to her parents?
 >well, you can set that straight
 "Yes, how... lucky. So, what did you want to know, Sacks? I really just came for the tea, but I guess if we've got a moment."
 >his smile falters a little bit, and SS' look is priceless
 >guess she thought you were going to stay in line just to be polite?
 >grave miscalculation
 >"Well, I suppose... your history? Where did you grow up? What was your childhood like?"
 >you let out a casual laugh
 >this is going to be easy
 "What's to say about my childhood? I was born to a druggie mom and absentee dad, got raised by television and a bunch of minimum-wage teachers at a public school, and all of my friends didn't even have hats, they were so poor and Irish."
 >you can really see the family resemblance when they both have that look on their face
 >Galore manages to pick his jaw up first
 >"That... goodness, it sounds like you've had a rather rough time! And yet you seem so..."
 >he searches for a word that isn't patently false
 >"...together!"
 "You've gotta be. The streets back home are mean, only the tough survive..."
 >you put on a gruff voice like that one guy in Sin City
 >Spoons' father nods sympathetically
 >aww, the little jerk is close to tears
 >"How horrendous! Well, certainly things picked up when you arrived here, yes?"
 >you make a noncommittal shrug
 "Eh, on the one hand, most ponies are downright lovely by comparison,"
 >you look over at the little filly, who's hopped off her dad's lap and looks ready to either cry or tackle you
 
 >you meet Galore's eyes again
 "but there are always a few folks that don't know how to treat each other proper. Being pushy or rude or inconsiderate of others' circumstances, you know the type."
 >he seems a bit perturbed
 >maybe you hit a nerve
 >good
 >but all at once he drops into an easy smile
 >"Of course, obviously. I do hope you'll pardon my prying, I just found the idea of someone like you befriending Silver so mystifying. It's good to know you're just like everypony else."
 >you spend a second trying to figure out what THAT'S supposed to mean
 >but before you can puzzle it out
 >Handy out of fuckin' nowhere
 >the aged black stallion pokes his head in and gives everypony a cursory glance
 >his eyes linger an extra second on Spoon before he clears his throat
 >"Hem. Missus' tea will be ready momentarily. Will you and your guest be taking it in your room, or in the garden, madam?"
 >Silver Spoon walks sullenly between you and the butler
 >ooh, no swishy walk now, huh?
 >"Garden, Hired. Show him out whenever Daddy's done talking to him, I'll be waiting."
 >yeesh
 >it was just a joke
 >no need to get all touchy, not like it was her reputation on the line
 >"Sir, when your business here is concluded, I should like to inquire on your choice of tea. I shall wait outside,"
 >the stallion fixes you with a tired look before withdrawing
 "You were saying?"
 >you look over at the cueball father, but he's turned around and is working on something at his desk
 >"Oh, nothing important. Just remarking on your normalcy. May I ask you a few more questions?"
 >you shrug
 >oh right, he can't see that
 "Fire away."
 >"Where are you staying right now?"
 >you hear him shuffle a few papers around and then the scratch of a quill against one
 "Uh, Fluttershy was kind enough to let me stay with her..."
 >"Ah, yes, that pegasus with the menagerie? I thought I detected a familiar aroma when you entered."
 >he lets that hang in the air a second
 >"Do you have any formal schooling or training?"
 
 "Nothing to really speak of, just a high school diploma."
 >"Intriguing. So what do you do for work?"
 >he gives a calming smile
 "I work for Applejack, over at Sweet Apple Acres. Just field work, mostly."
 >he nods understandingly
 >"Well, it sounds as though you have quite the little life carved out here."
 >you nod appreciatively
 >how could someone like this have raised a little terror like Silver Spoon?
 "Well, it's not bad, but it's not half the life you've given your daughter."
 >that puts a little damper on his smile
 >strange reaction to a compliment
 >"Yes, I certainly have given her a semi-charmed sort of life, haven't I?"
 "Yyyyyup."
 >"..."
 >the two of you stare at each other
 >what, does he want you to elaborate?
 >you don't do the whole "fawn over how rich people are" thing
 >hell, that's half the reason you ignored SS so long to start with
 >"I'm glad to see she's making friends,"
 >he finally sighs, gesturing towards the door
 >"I keep trying to encourage her to, but you know I think I've only seen that pink filly come by once or twice? It's nice to see someone else after all this time."
 >pfft
 >you got bullied into this
 >you're not sure that really counts as "being friends" with Silver Spoon
 >then again...
 >given how she and Tiara act, maybe it does
 >"Well, in any case, I'm sure she's waiting for you out in the garden. Go on, the two of you have fun. I've got some business to conclude."
 "Uh... sure."
 >you wander out of the study, Hired Hand closing the door behind you
 >"The garden is this way, if you please sir."
 >you look back at the closed door
 >something about that seemed off
 >you follow him down a hallway and through a couple large windowed rooms
 >he stops in front of you, giving you a moment to take in your surroundings
 >you notice down the corridor to your right a bit of daylight
 >is that the foyer?
 >in the opposite direction is the kitchen you passed through
 >shit, you're turned around
 >"Will you still be joining missus for tea?"
 
 "...is this some sort of trick question?"
 >you arch your eyebrow at the butler
 >not that the opportunity to ditch Silver's not tempting
 >but she'd probably come back even more annoying tomorrow
 >"Not at all. The matron of the house will be due home shortly, however."
 >the way he says it, it's almost like that should mean something to you
 >well, it kind of does
 >you get to make an ass out of yourself in front of both parents
 >other than that, who cares?
 "Yeah, no, let's get this shindig started. No sense making you boil all that water for nothing, right?"
 >he stares at you for a long moment
 >were you... supposed to run out on this?
 >he leads you into the kitchen and produces a box of different tea bags
 >"What variety may I serve you, sir?"
 "Uh... what do you have? I assumed there was just one kind."
 >he taps his chin thoughtfully as he goes over each one as he remembers them
 >"We have... blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, sleepy time, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey... liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey... vanilla almond, white truffle coconut, chamomile, blueberry chamomile... decaf vanilla walnut, constant comment, orange pekoe, blue pekoe... and earl grey."
 >uhhhhh
 "Whatever... whatever Silver Spoon's having, I guess? As long as she's not drinking Liver Disaster."
 >"Very good sir, I shall have your Sleepy Time out to you promptly."
 >you walk through the kitchen and manage to find the back door
 >cleverly hidden in its own room adjacent to the kitchen, with portrait windows on either side
 >sweet lord, of course their back yard would be huge too
 >you make your way past a few bushes cut to look like ponies
 >aha
 >there she is
 >sitting in the shade of a giant willow, back facing you
 >you walk up behind her
 "So do you actually want to have tea, or was that it? Now that your dad knows I'm a lowly commoner, do I have to hang around?"
 >she flinches under the question
 
 >"No. That's fine. You don't have to stay."
 >aw, no, c'mon
 >that's not fair
 >she's supposed to be pissed off at you for not acting how she wanted you to, same as you were pissed off at her
 >ugggggh
 "...Okay, well, I already told Mister Handy or whoever to make me some Sleepy Time. I guess I should hang out until I can have a cup. It'd be rude not to."
 >"Rude?!"
 >she looks back over her shoulder at you
 >oh, good, she is pissed
 >well, pissed and crying
 >"No, rude is telling my daddy you're some scummy low-life just to make me look bad! Rude is acting like you're a dumb farmer or something so it looks like I made friends with a loser! RUDE is... is..."
 "Rude is insisting I come over and cornering me with your dad without asking. Rude is expecting me to play along with your lie because you think I give a damn what your parents think about me."
 >you correct her coolly
 >what a self-entitled little bitch
 >she hops to her hooves and turns to stare at you, going a little red in the face
 >"Why couldn't you have just pretended?!"
 "Why couldn't you have just ASKED ME?"
 >you hold up your hands, waiting for an answer
 >the two of you are just frozen there in an impromptu staring contest
 >she drops her gaze first
 >good, that proves you're right
 >"You wouldn't have if I did."
 "Oh shut up, you don't even know."
 >you roll your eyes, walking around to the other side of the wooden table and sitting down
 >it barely comes up to your knees
 >so here you are sitting cross-legged at a tea table with a filly close to tears, while her butler brings over a tray with saucers, tea cakes, china cups, the whole shebang
 >now seems like the perfect time to tear into her
 "That's your problem. With the whole 'force me to play nice with your dad' thing and the 'yell at me to come to your tea party' thing. And probably the whole 'making friends in general' thing."
 >you reach over and grab a scone from the tray, dunking it in your tea a few times
 
 "I dunno where you learned to make friends, but you suck at it. And that's what you actually want, right? Friends? Because I don't think you could spell sycophant, much less act like one."
 >she just sits there as you drill into her
 >you've watched her and Diamond Tiara act cunty to the CMC for weeks now
 "So why don't you just act like a normal pony and be friendly to folks?"
 >she looks at you incredulously
 >then she points up at the ridiculous mansion you'd hiked out from
 >"Normal? What do you think I know about normal? All the normal ponies just want to play with my daddy's stuff, not with me."
 >you take a bite of cake and a sip of the tea
 >okay, so that's kind of a valid point
 >but c'mon, this is Ponyville
 >it's not like everyone here is a shallow jerk
 "I bet those three, uh, AJ's sister, Rarity's kid, and whoever the third one is, I bet they wouldn't care about your stuff. Well, too much, anyway."
 >she scrunches her face up at the mention of the CMC
 >"Those blankflanks?!"
 >you can't help but laugh
 >it was worth a shot
 >besides, it's funny watching Silver Spoon get all butt-frustrated
 "Oh, right, I forgot you were born with your cutie mark."
 >she blushes a little
 >actually, if anyone were to be born with a cutie mark, it'd be Silver Spoon
 >"I can't... me and Tiara made so much fun of them..."
 "They MIGHT forgive you. I mean, I wouldn't, but they might. They're dumb like that."
 >heeey, a smile
 >new record
 >you shrug your shoulders
 "I'd be your friend if you'd ask."
 >that one earns you an eye roll
 >"Nuh uh, you just said you wouldn't forgive me."
 "See? The fact that you're not willing to try is why you don't have any friends. Or at least more than 'Oh I'm so super-rich that nobody can get on my level' is."
 >she scowls
 >"Fine! Anonymous, will you be my friend?"
 "Yes, Silver Spoon, I totally will. Friend count's up to two now."
 >"Liar! You lied to my daddy, why wouldn't you lie to me?"
 
 "Because if I wanted to play with your dad's stuff, I wouldn't have lied to your dad, and if I didn't want to be your friend, I wouldn't have told you to ask me. Duh."
 >...
 >wait, did that even make sense to you, never mind her?
 >eh, whatever
 >you'll be friendly to her for the sake of her not being such a raging bitch
 >besides, she seems like she could use someone who's not Diamond Tiara to be around
 >she apparently can't find any holes in your logic
 >technical success!
 >"Uh... okay... so what do you want to do?"
 >you down the rest of your sugar-water-with-a-little-tea and grab another bag to steep
 "Eh, you said tea party, let's have a tea party."
 >so the two of you sit there, sipping tea for a little bit
 >you try to explain a little more the philosophy of "not being a complete terror"
 >it seems like she gets some of it, though she argues with you a lot about it
 >you're on your third cup when you see a white pony come charging down the hill
 "...Who's that? Your maid or someone?"
 >Tiara's eyes shrink to pinpricks when she looks over her shoulder
 >"Aaah! Get up the tree! Up the tree!"
 >uh... no
 >she jumps over the goddamn table and starts shoving you
 >okay, apparently this is serious
 >that doesn't make you any better at climbing trees
 >shoulda done some pull-ups you lardass
 >so you duck behind the trunk of the willow and hide there
 >some fuckin' Solid Snake you are
 >you hear a mare's voice as she comes trotting up
 >"Silver! What do you think you're doing out here, I told you you will break the fine china if you take it out here in the garden!"
 >"Oh, hi mom! I was just... uh... having a... tea party..."
 >she finishes lamely
 >yeah, you can't come up with a better explanation either
 >"Oh really. With who? Is it that little Tiara character?"
 >she lowers her voice
 >"I thought I told you, play dates at her house, not at ours."
 >"No, mom, I just--"
 >her mother shushes her, and you hear Silver let out a sniff
 >okay, this is stupid
 
 >you step out from behind the tree
 >Silver facehoofs
 >Silver's mom lets out a theatrical gasp to put Rarity to shame
 >don'tworryigotthis.jpg
 >well, if you're going to be friends with her, you can at least TRY to be nice to her mom
 >you give a small bow and extend a hand for her to shake
 "Hello, Mrs., erm... Silver Spoon's Mom... I'm Anonymous, one of Silver Spoon's friends."
 >"No you're not."
 >you look up to see her looking politely disgusted
 >maybe it's time to stand back up and withdraw the hoofshake gesture
 >she just looks to her daughter, then back to you, pushing a few strands of her mane back into place
 >"Goodness, Silver, you really do need to stop bringing home strays,"
 >she remarks to her daughter
 >...
 "...Excuse me?"
 >"I mean, I am glad you've got such a giving heart, sweetie, but you can't just pick up common riff-raff off the street and call them friends. I told you how that works, remember?"
 >"No, mom, I--"
 >"I mean, what would the neighbors think, seeing you associate with someone like this?"
 >you clear your throat
 "Ma'am, if I may--"
 >"You may not. My daughter does not associate with you or anyone like you. Leave. Now."
 >you look over at Silver, ears flat, on the verge of tears
 >is this seriously what she deals with every day?
 >no wonder
 >...eh, you've already made yourself look bad in front of one of her parents
 >two for two!
 "Yeah, I could leave. But Silver and I were having a good time."
 >you look over at SS
 "You want me to take off?"
 >she doesn't move for a very long time
 >but finally, almost imperceptibly, she nods
 "Alright... if you're sure. I'll see you tomorrow then."
 >"No you won't."
 >her mom calls after you
 >"You and she aren't friends."
 >you stop and turn around
 "Sorry, you're mistaken. We're friends. She said so, I said so, it happened."
 >"And I'm saying no."
 >you give her a thumbs up and a wink
 "Too bad your opinion counts for fuck-all in this case, huh?"
 
 >"Excuse me?!"
 >you look to your left and right
 >what, did you seriously not say it loud enough or something?
 "Yeah, turns out Silver Spoon can be friends with whoever she likes. Even a pleb like me."
 >"Absolutely not! I forbid it!"
 >you laugh at her
 >SS doesn't even seem to know how to react at this point
 "Whatever you say, silly filly. Just remember SS, all you have to do is try."
 >the white mare stomps over and drags you by your shirt to the house
 >correction, through the house
 >corrected correction, to the front door
 >oof
 >okay, out the front door
 >"If you ever set foot in this house again, I will call the guards."
 >wouldn't be the first time you've been arrested
 >heh, technically not even the first time you've been arrested in Equestria
 >still, this poses a problem
 >...
 >eh, it's worth a shot
 >you run back to Sugarcube Corner and scribble down a time and location, then run it back to the Spoon Mansion
 >...Galore Mansion?
 >whatever
 >you slide the paper between the doors and knock a couple times, then bolt
 >guess you'll just have to hope Hired Hand is as good a butler as you think he is
 
 
 Two Days Later...
 
 
 >you're sitting at a corner table at Penny Royalty's Shop
 >it's already 10 past
 >maybe your watch is fast?
 >maybe the black old pony was too devoted to his job after all
 >or maybe she just decided it was easier to listen to her mom
 >shit, you did force her into a pretty terrible decision
 >nobody should have to choose between their parents and their friends
 >maybe that makes you the asshole here too
 >"Can we sit here?"
 >"Yeah, is this seat taken, A-no-one-ymous?"
 >"Hey, c'mon DT, cut it out..."
 >...or maybe they were just late
 >you smile at Silver Spoon, and she smiles right back
 >you'll see if you can explain the finer points of not being a cunt to Diamond Tiara
 >anything's possible
 "Pardon me, waitress? Could we get three orders of Liver Disaster and some sponge cake...?"