feedback from padri

[17:20] <Roget> padri - what if he didn't have time for a coat?
[17:20] <padri> kk
[17:21] <Atcero> I liked it. Only had one grammar mistake that I saw.
[17:22] <Atcero> "Some days, it might looks closer"
[17:22] <padri> my /personal/ opinion is that someone dying of exposure would be more to the point and clear about his question than rambly and concerned with social niceties.
[17:27] <Atcero> I'm going to go for now. Valete
[17:27] <ProcyonLotor> see ya
[17:27] * Atcero has quit (Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client)
[17:27] <padri> warmth in his neck?
[17:28] * Wogglebugout has quit (Quit: ChatZilla 0.9.90.1 [Firefox 27.0.1/20140212131424])
[17:28] <Dexanote> https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/1897842_10153821140960562_1322963136_n.jpg can i make this as a character
[17:28] * ZombieRaptor has quit (Ping timeout)
[17:28] <Roget> padri, he is warm all over
[17:29] <Roget> the neck warmth was just the most relevant
[17:29] <padri> concern: makes it sound like it's specific to the neck
[17:30] <padri> of course, alla this is take it or leave it
[17:31] <padri> Roget: mention the children earlier? even just in passing.
[17:31] * Roget takes notes
[17:33] * ZombieRaptor (~ZombieRap@synIRC-32AE151C.pools.spcsdns.net) has joined
[17:33] <padri> cause it feels weird to have a Father with no kids, and when we see them, even though you've suggested they might exist, it feels a touch weird. like 'where'd they come from and why'd they only show up now?'
[17:34] * padri isn't gunna be able to finish this
[17:34] <padri> sry
[17:36] <ProcyonLotor> padri
[17:36] <ProcyonLotor> you have disappointed
[17:36] <ProcyonLotor> for the last time
[17:36] * padri is a disappoint
[17:36] <ProcyonLotor> b&.
[17:36] <padri> :<
[17:36] <Roget> padri, that weird felling is intentional
[17:36] <Roget> because something is wrong with this family
[17:36] <padri> kk
[17:36] <Roget> something is very wrong
[17:36] <padri> then keep it
[17:36] <ihp> ?
[17:36] <padri> if it's what you meant to do, you did it gud
[17:36] <padri> Roget: how long do i have to dawdle through this?
[17:37] <ShotgunFiendM> They're ~GhooOOooOOOoosstss~
[17:37] <Roget> padri, if you don't have time for it s'fine
[17:38] * You've invited Zolgamax to #origins-ooc (contego.ny.us.synirc.net)
[17:38] * Roget invited Zolgamax into the channel.
[17:38] <padri> no, i just get distracted by backlighting
[17:38] <Roget> oh ok
[17:39] <Roget> I don't think the story is that long
[17:39] * Zolgamax (Mibbit@synIRC-4E9097DF.twcny.res.rr.com) has joined
[17:39] <Roget> according to google docs it is only about 1300 words
[17:39] <padri> kk
[17:39] <Zolgamax> Ah, hello.
[17:39] <Zolgamax> Been a while since I was here.
[17:39] <ZombieRaptor> Hey
[17:39] <Zolgamax> Howdy.
[17:44] * Jabonicus found dad in FO3
[17:46] <Nemi> hello friendos
[17:46] <Nemi> time for me to get going to vivax's place
[17:47] <padri> byyyyeeeeeee
[17:47] <ShotgunFiendM> Seeya nem
[17:47] <Nemi> byee byee!
[17:47] <padri> Roget: in one paragraph he stares at the mirror, and then in the next he ignores his reflection.
[17:48] <padri> it feels a little awkward.
[17:48] <padri> perhaps notice something that he doesn't like about his reflection between the two?
[17:48] <Roget> he is staring at the mirror itself but avoiding his reflection
[17:48] * Nemi has quit (Quit: )
[17:48] <padri> also, "his own reflection, and reflected" two much reflecting in too little space
[17:48] <Roget> that's why he describes the frame and polish
[17:49] <padri> i get that, but it might be nice to let us know why he's not looking at himself
[17:50] <Roget> Mmm
[17:50] <Roget> ok
[17:50] <padri> and provide transistion between lookin at mirror oh wait no
[17:51] <padri> and if i'm pickin more nits than you want picked, lemme know
[17:51] <Roget> no no this is good
[17:51] <Roget> better you than a rejection notice amirite
[17:51] <padri> kk
[17:52] * padri in srs critique mode
[17:53] <ZombieRaptor> Jacob is great for conversation :p
[17:53] <ihp> sorry, Zombie. I'm just... really distracted.
[17:53] <ihp> I'm not doing well in about half of my classes.
[17:53] <ZombieRaptor> I'm kidding :p
[17:54] <ihp> Mrrr.
[17:54] <padri> Roget: i would change "against the wall, and he might have..." to "wall, WHERE he might have"
[17:54] <padri> ihp: what classes?
[17:54] * padri would offer help
[17:54] <ihp> Chemistry and Statistics.
[17:54] <ihp> Chemistry especially because my teacher is just... blargh.
[17:55] * padri was no good at chem
[17:55] <ihp> you and about 90% of people I know.
[17:55] <ProcyonLotor> fuck Chemistry
[17:55] <ZombieRaptor> Yay chemistry!
[17:56] <padri> ihp: there are lotsa chem people here
[17:56] <padri> flame, zomb, erm . . .
[17:56] <padri> other people?
[17:56] <ShotgunFiendM> My sister. Buuuut thst doesn't count
[17:56] <ShotgunFiendM> Soooo
[17:56] <ShotgunFiendM> >.>
[17:56] <ProcyonLotor> http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/photoshop/6/6/4/177664_slide.jpg?v=1
[17:57] <padri> Roget: "thought he" is awkward syntax
[17:57] <padri> is there a reason for it?
[17:59] * Optimal (John@synIRC-CA99362.roc.choiceone.net) has joined
[18:00] <Optimal> Hi everybody!
[18:01] * ShotgunFiend (~chatzilla@synIRC-65ED5576.hsd1.al.comcast.net) has joined
[18:01] * Roget takes more notes
[18:01] <Optimal> Hi Shotgun.
[18:02] <ShotgunFiend> Hi
[18:02] <padri> Roget: i might save the "all of them featured the family" for after the "pictures from many eras"
[18:02] <padri> y'know, make it all "there were pictures of all these people, but lookie here, here's father."
[18:03] <padri> add suspense to the description
[18:03] <padri> and it's not really the whole family if only the father is constant, right?
[18:04] <padri> also, just a thought as a reader, but i wonder why he's called Father if the family revolves around him. . .
[18:04] <Optimal> So how did the run go last night?
[18:07] <padri> >smiling and alone, without a soul on any pier.
[18:07] <padri> first read through made it sound like he doesn't have a soul
[18:07] <Roget> That was intentional
[18:07] <Optimal> (I guess everyone died last night.)
[18:07] <Roget> to plant that thought in the readers mind
[18:07] <Roget> to unsettle them
[18:08] <padri> i think it would be better to word it differently
[18:08] <padri> can't think how . . .
[18:08] <padri> hm
[18:09] <Optimal> What are we reading?
[18:09] <padri> cause the phrase usually goes "without another soul"
[18:09] <padri> and you don't want it to sound like a mistake.
[18:09] * Zolgamax has quit (Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client)
[18:10] <padri> and how does Father look on while glaring at someone else?
[18:10] <Roget> magic
[18:10] <padri> Roget: also, my nitpicking doesn't mean i don't like. just as an fyi
[18:10] <Roget> he has special eyes
[18:10] <padri> ?why
[18:10] <padri> ?why?
[18:10] <Glacon> why? mmmmmmmmagic
[18:10] <padri> :>
[18:11] <Roget> padri, I have written about 150 articles on this website, I am not thin skinned
[18:11] <Roget> you could call me a donkey fucking shit eater and I wouldn't be offended
[18:11] <padri> awesome
[18:11] <Optimal> Roget, what is this thing that y'all are reading?
[18:12] <Roget> Optimal, a story I am prepping for submission to a prestigious publication
[18:12] <Optimal> Cool! Good luck.
[18:12] <padri> i'm eating its intestines.
[18:12] <Optimal> Cool! Good luck.
[18:12] <Jabonicus> WHAT
[18:13] <Optimal> :P
[18:13] <Jabonicus> FUCK THE ENCLAVE
[18:14] <padri> Roget: i like the little girl being paired with a strong knock
[18:14] * ShotgunFiend licks the intestines before padri can eat them
[18:14] * padri eats intestines seasoned with shotgun spit
[18:18] * Roget edits his Mater Draft
[18:18] * Nemi (~Nemi@synIRC-2B2A6A01.nycap.res.rr.com) has joined
[18:19] <padri> Roget: the commas
[18:19] <padri> the death paragraph has attrocious comma'ing.
[18:20] <padri> >families stick together better for, uh, through, adversity.
[18:20] <padri> a little excessively awkward
[18:21] <padri> let him use the right word the first time?
[18:21] <Roget> Aight
[18:21] <padri> and i'mma have to think about it a bit before i can give you more in-depth comments
[18:21] <Nemi> Hello!
[18:21] <padri> digest it, as it were
[18:22] * padri is now known as padri|away
[18:23] <Nemi> I am at Vivax's! Ha ha ha.
[18:23] <Nemi> None can stop me now.
[18:25] * You are now known as Rogbrb