Lincaport

LINCAPORT
By Rachel Paul and Dylan Bowerman

Squirrel 1 and Squirrel 3 have always been best friends, but they didn't want to stop there. If only they lived closer to each other. They live across a river in South America. The only way to meet each other is to cross a cobblestone path over the river. Unfortunately for them, a certain swan named Swano despises their love for each other. They can only communicate by squeaking at each other from trees across the river. At night, while Swano is sleeping, they meet each other on the bridge. They have done this every night they have been in love.
One night, they decided to do something different. One night, Squirrel 1 crossed the bridge to Squirrel 3's tree and stayed there overnight. The next morning, they venture out of the tree looking for something to do. After travelling for a while, they stumble upon a wild porta-potty in its natural habitat. Being the curious squirrels they are, they wander inside to see why it's there in the first place. As they let the door fall closed behind them, they begin to feel a violent shaking of the porta-potty. This continues for several seconds as the squirrels get very frightened. Much to their delight, the shaking and rustling gradually comes to an end. They cautiously open the door and are greeted to the refreshing scent of pine trees and sunlight beaming on their skin, welcoming them to their new, unknown location.
They carefully step from the pseudo safety of their porta-potty and they travel into the tree forest. They didn't go very far, but they spot a log cabin on the horizon that they recognize to be that of their therapist, Dr. Kynn. The squirrels merrily walk up to the door and knock. Dr. Kynn comes out and offers them a warm greeting. They all go inside and talk about their problems involving Swano. They try to pass the time by playing bingo. However, they don't play normal bingo. They play cocaine bingo. This game consists of using frozen chunks of cocaine instead of markers. Now, none of them like the stuff; Dr. Kynn just has it because some of his patients are facing addiction problems.
As they were playing their friendly game of cocaine bingo, they heard a startling noise outside the cabin. The next thing they knew, there was a circular hole in the ceiling and they were pinned to the walls by hordes of terminator T-500s. After the immediate chaos was over, the door creaked open and Swano waddled in. He was followed closely behind by none other than Vladimir Putin. He came in shouting, "You're pootin' and tootin' with Vladimir Putin!" The T-500s proceeded to pull handcuffs out of their pants... pockets and arrest us for having cocaine on Russian soil. "But we're not on Russian soil! We don't know where we are!" said Squirrel 3. Swano squawked at them, "You're in a flower pot containing Russian dirt. That is Russian soil." "But that doesn't count! We have to be in Russia," Squirrel 1 retorts. "You're also in Russia," Putin interrupts.
They are being walked to the hovercraft when they pass the site containing the porta-potty. Except the porta-potty wasn't there. The only remains of the mysterious porta-potty is a small crater in the ground. They overhear Swano squawking at a group of T-500s, "Go find that porta-potty! We can't leave here without it or the boss will have our heads!" "Why do we even need a porta-potty, sir?" A T-500 asks. "Because it's also a time machine, you idiots. Now go find it!" he squawks.
When they arrive at their destination, they are immediately moved to a cold interrogation room. Swano is sitting at the end of a metal table, waiting to talk. Swano starts with, "So, you are Dr. Ling Kynn, correct?" "Yes, I am," he replies. "We have received intelligence that you created a time travelling, teleporting, dancing porta-potty. Can you verify this?" Swano asks. "Yes, I have created this. I will NOT tell you where it is, though," Dr. Kynn retorts. Swano presses a button under the table. In moments, they were surrounded by men with flame throwers pointed at the ground.
"Where. Is. The. Lincaport?" Swano asks harshly. "I'm. Not. Telling," he replies. "Okay, then. Hand me your wallet," Swano orders. Dr. Kynn remains still. Swano motions to the men with his wing, and they aim their flame throwers at his nose. "So I'll ask you again. What's in your wallet?" Dr. Kynn doesn't move an inch. Swano began to hover above his chair to reveal Vladimir Putin standing behind him. He shouted, "Are you going to answer, because we need to make like Toyota and go places." He didn't answer, but he turned to the squirrels and whispered, "Look in by back pocket for my wallet, it contains my research no--" That second, an ear-piercing hiss erupted from around the room as the men fired their flame throwers at Dr. Kynn. Swano shouted, "KILL IT WITH FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The squirrels were each grabbed by two guards and escorted to a laser reinforced cage. Soon after, Putin walks slowly toward the cage and says, "Oh, little squirrels! It is sad what happened to your friend, Dr. Kynn. You do know that none of this would have happened if you had just told us where it is. Do you know how important the Lincaport is to my country? We all need it so I can go back in time and take over the world!" As Putin was saying this, he moved his face eerily close to the squirrels' laser cage. Seeing an opportunity, Squirrel 3 grabs Putin's nose and yanks it toward himself, pulling Putin's face into the laser bars. He screamed in pain and fell to the floor calling for his mommy.
Squirrel 1 squeaks to Squirrel 3, "I think I have an idea. Maybe, we can fit our tails through the laser bars and hit the power switch on the back of the T-500 that's guarding our cage. Then, we won't have anybody around to raise an alarm." Squirrel 1 did just that. The T-500 slowly slumped forward. Lucky for them, its head hit the unlock button on the way down. They heard the whirring of the lasers stop as they retreated into the bottom of the cage. The squirrels looked at each other excitedly and scampered to the interrogation room to get the research Dr. Kynn was telling them about before he was roasted... literally.
The squirrels hurry to get outside before anybody notices. They need to find a tree to pee on, then a way to get home (in that order). After doing their business, they look briefly at the notes to see if it contains any information about the Lincaport's location. Luckily, it does. It gives them the directions to the hiding place it goes to when Dr. Kynn is in trouble. They navigate to it and dig as it says in the notes: 17 inches down, 13 inches to the west, 432 millimeters east, then 1 yard down. They fall into a small room containing a book case and, of course, the Lincaport. They get the book labeled "Instructions" and use it to teleport back home.
They exit the Lincaport and walk wearily to Squirrel 3's tree. Once they are there, they read over the research notes and discuss what to do the next day. Then, they get tired and climb into a bed. They fall asleep about 30 minutes later. They wake up the next morning to the sound of birdies chirping and roosters crowing. They walk over towards the bridge when they notice Swano sitting in the river. He turns around at the sound of their steps and says nonchalantly, "What you guys want?" as he usually does. They both say, "YOU!" They charge at Swano. He immediately reacts by swimming quickly toward the bridge in a panicked state. He presses a panic button that the squirrels never noticed, somehow.
A few moments later, eight men with flame throwers were launched from the bottom of the river onto the shore. It was a good thing that the squirrels had read the research notes, because they remembered what to do in case of an attack like this. They looked at each other and Squirrel 1 hands Squirrel 3 a pair of red ruby slippers and they both put them on. Then, they tap their heels together three times and say, "There's no weapon like machine guns. There's no weapon like machine guns! THERE'S NO WEAPON LIKE MACHINE GUNS!" A loud motor noise can be heard as the Lincaport rises up out of a tree and begins to hover over the men with flame throwers. Once in place, four fully-automatic machine guns are revealed on the bottom of the Lincaport. Each one aims at a different person. A robotic voice can be heard from the Lincaport saying, "Attention! Nobody move! Anybody that moves will be shot on sight!"
One of the men aims his flame thrower at the Lincaport. Before he can get it aimed, a siren is sounding and two of the machine guns have shot the weapon out of his hand. They proceed to rapid-fire his soul deep into the ground. Then, the machine guns aim themselves at the other men remaining as it repeats the message again. Without warning, Swano shouts, "KILL IT WITH FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" All seven remaining men fire their flame throwers at the squirrels. Once again, the siren on the Lincaport sounds and it aims all four machine guns at one man and shoots him until he's dead, then it moves to the next person. It shot everybody except Swano and the squirrels in about 6 seconds.
Swano is grinning evilly at them as he teases them about why he's still alive. He moves forward to grab the squirrels, and Squirrel 3 shouts, "Finish him!" All four machine guns aim directly at Swano and fire like nobody's watching. Once he is split into 3 parts on the dirt, it hovers over to his body and warns the squirrels to watch out. The Lincaport then proceeds to drop a small black ball onto Swano. It starts beeping slowly, then faster, and faster. Then, it exploded, leaving a hole in the ground next to a white flag that said, "BANG." To rap it all up, the Lincaport said, "Fatality" and hovered off into the distance.
The squirrels chose to use the rest of the day to get a tan on the shore of the river right next to the flag. As the day winds down, they get tired and head in to Squirrel 3's tree. The next morning, they don't know what to do. They need to defeat Putin, but how? They look at the notes again to see if they missed anything. Sure enough, on the back of the sheet there is a map of the moon labeled "SECRET RUSSIAN MOON BASE". They decide they need to check this out, so they both get in the Lincaport and figure out how to get there. Squirrel 3 says, "Well, I guess we're going to the moon." Squirrel 1 sings, "Fly me to the moon." They endure a lot more shaking than usual, but they land on the moon just fine.
They don't really know where they are, so they use the map to find their way to the base. They eventually see it in the distance. It is marked with a huge Russian flag that says "Not a secret nuclear base." So, they go look somewhere else. After some wandering, they eventually realize their mistake. They go back to the flag, and they enter through a metal door labeled "COBDNURB" (That's C O B D N U R B, or Creepy Old Broken Down Nuclear Underground Russian Base). They walk around the dimly-lit corridors until they find a room labeled "Control Room." They see Putin looking intensely at a hologram of the Earth with multiple red circles and a dotted line around North America that says "Cut Here."
They immediately engage in a fight, but Putin had no backup down here, so he used an escape hatch to get to the surface. The squirrels quickly followed suit. Putin then summoned a lot of T-500s to provide backup. The squirrels reacted by using their ninja skills to jump on to the shoulders of the T-500s and flip the power switch on the back of their head. Once they have shutdown all of the T-500s, they corner Putin. They have no time to attack because he disappears into the floor through a trapdoor that they didn't even know existed. They tried to find out how to open the trap door, but they could not find a way in.
After looking for a while, they gave up on their search and got back into the Lincaport. Oh the shaky journey home, they were taking turns singing "I'm comin home, comin home, tell the world I'm comin home." They go back to Squirrel 3's tree and spend a few days relaxing from their journeys. After about a week, they haven't heard or seen anything involving Putin, so Squirrel 3 proposes to Squirrel 1. She says "Yes," so they think responsibly and schedule their wedding for tomorrow. They didn't hesitate to tell everyone they knew about it so they could be able to attend.
The squirrels are very excited because today is their wedding day. They make sure to have extra special steel-reinforced decorations and uniquely scented weaponized flowers on each table. The area they will stand at when they get married is strategically placed in direct line of sight by at least four machine guns at all times. It is time for the wedding to start. The people take their seats. In the crowd, Squirrel 3 notices Dr. Kynn. He runs toward him and asks how he survived. Dr. Kynn explained that before he died, Chuck Norris revived him so he would be safe. He points at Chuck Norris, who is also watching the wedding. Squirrel 3 is confused because he doesn't see him. Then, Dr. Kynn points to the building nearby and he sees Chuck Norris on the side of it, waiting.
Squirrel 3 scurries back to the place he should stand. The crowd becomes hushed as the pianist plays Here Comes the Bride. Squirrel 1 slowly walks down the center aisle, wearing her long silky dress that was as soft as a cloud. She approached Squirrel 3 with a look of love in her eyes. They stood facing each other while the minister said the things they say. The squirrels exchanged their vows, and as they were about to get the rings, they heard an ominous noise. Near the back of the event, a hole opened up in the ground and none other than Vladimir Putin popped out. Squirrel 3 had planned for this, so he ran to hit the panic alarm.
An ear-piercing siren blasted as all of the flowers on the tables bent to face Putin. Their petals started spinning at very high speeds. Also, the machine guns that were on standby are now aimed and ready to fire. Oh, and by the way, there is also a gun in the minister's book. So that is aiming at him, too. He quickly stopped advancing because he noticed that he was surrounded by flowers in a bad mood. By now, most of the people have run in the other direction. By that, I mean every direction that's not here. Squirrel 3 reminds him that he probably shouldn't move, unless he has developed a taste for lead. They didn't notice him moving his hand down to summon T-500s.
When he did, 50 of them appeared all throughout the room and the guns diverted their attention to mowing them down. Noticing this, he charged forward at the squirrels. They didn't have any backup left, so they screamed like never before. We are still wondering what happened to that glass window. Chuck Norris casually hopped down and roundhouse-kicked Putin across the field. He landed unconscious in the grass. The squirrels froze and turned their heads towards Chuck Norris. They said simultaneously, "You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful." Then, they snap back to reality and ask the minister to come out of the bush. He quickly gets to the ending by saying, "Yo? Do you love dis squirrel? Good. Yo? Do you love dis squirrel? Good. Now you're married. Kiss. Aww, das cute. Bye now."
He runs away. Far, far, far away. Very far away. Like, nobody's-seen-him-in-a-few-years far away. The squirrels are glad to finally be married. They spend a few minutes talking about honeymoon plans until they hear a suspicious noise. They turn towards the noise and see Putin crawling toward the Lincaport. In an attempt to keep him from getting to it, Squirrel 1 gets out the red ruby slippers. They quickly put them on and chant the saying. It rises into the air, but Putin uses what little strength he has to grab onto the Lincaport as it is leaving the ground. He opens the door and climbs inside, closing it behind him.
Much to their horror, he forces it to land. He opens the door and grins evilly. He says, "Beam me up, Scotty." Without warning, a blue beam of light comes down from the sky and the Lincaport starts to float upward. Just before he went out of sight he shouted down, "You'll never catch me now, coppers!" The newly-wed squirrels look at each other and say, "We might have to delay the honeymoon."

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~ THE END ~
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