The Tragic Suicidalist
- To first approach the tragic suicidalist you must understand his complete dissatisfaction and his mastery of the pain principle : if a woman gave herself to him completely and willingly he would spurn her in spite and in light of this, if a woman did not love him, perhaps even the same woman he spurned, he would cry out like a child for her. A lover of great dramas, the suicidalist is somewhat within the grip of a denial: he forces upon himself tragedies that are the substitute for the menace of life, he is much afraid to yet look at himself and see the chasm is within himself. For he despises all which defends him against nothingness, all that hides the heart of life. And if they have torn the veil themselves, as the poisonous father sometimes does, he hates them all the more for showing him the way to death and disbelief. The naive and the guilty both hound him in these respects, and thus he begins to hate the race of men. The naive for their ignorance to the world of suffering, their daring joy in front of his wide eyes, and the guilty for being the destroyer of his innocence, of his right to life, the opener of his eyes. And he imagines a worldwide conspiracy, half truth and half paranoia, of a world fashioned to push him and only himself to the brink. For this reason he abhors the woman that alleviates his suffering, accepts him whole, because he will lose the wisdom of anxiety, of vicious drama. Indeed, the suffering she has diminished within him is the suffering he terrorizes her with when he rejects her unconditional love. He enacts this pain in the giddiness that it will relieve him of suffering, or more accurately, impart with and share his suffering with her like a poison one dilutes by conferring to another. But our suicidalist is an empathetic psychopath, a living contradiction, and the pain of regret will soon shoot through him like an arrow. The realization that he has become a bestower of trauma hits him like a wave. This is how all becoming is ritualized, from vicious opposition to vicious, and unwilling cooperation with what one pledged to never become (the Christians are right in saying one must keep vigilance over the Devil). He that is born in the world will soon find himself to be of the world. It serves her right, did she not know he is an exile, forbidden from life? However, what that is ultimately a manifestation of is his desire of the freedom of intense feelings, of pain itself, from the target of his failed love to his part in it, he takes pleasure in the freedom that he has orchestrated the most optimal way to increase pain.
- He does not stop there: he also loathes the woman who abandons him in love because she is a cancellation of his being, a bringer of suffering, a denier of the life within him. And this stems from his desire to pacify those feelings themselves. Does she not know she has exiled him from life itself, sentenced him to negation! (Indeed, she has corresponding denied him the freedom to perform his great acts of drama, to draw out and further the most pain from life, and this is a doubled negation, for she has in an odd sense relieved him from a new legacy of pain by her denial, see how sinister and malcontent our son of Cain is?) Here he groups this woman with the poisonous father, as the ones who have hoisted trauma upon him, his eternal conspirators. Indeed this arena of enemies grows each time he encounters a life denying opponent, one who would laugh in the face of his pain. Can they not see he is suffering? Our suicidalist is a wounded dog eternally pricked from the same mortal wound, and savages all who would heal him (now his trauma has become his very essence, any healing would be as life denying and as catastrophic as those who had first wounded and negated his essence). This is the tension that brings the suicidalist to the mad leap. Plagued, he brings the end-all plague upon himself.
- Indeed his life, as his loves must be short-lived. Short loves represent the ideal expression of his life itself: intense intoxication and then the hideous fall into suffering. By this means he suffers a suicide, a rendering of himself from another, several times. However, the feeling, the excitement of the descent he gets from this, is why he chases love, so that he may find death in life many times over without yet having done the deed. The wondrous feeling of suffering and the inborn life instinct to heal creates this play of attraction and repulsion, desire and disillusion, love and hatred. Above all he seeks to strengthen the poison that he drinks of life, and we have seen the ironic twists by which pain conquers at every turn. To wish away pain is painful in itself. The wish to live in such a state should be the perplexity of the psychologist, not the suicidalist himself.
- There might still be hope for our suicidalist, but he stifles out all lights; this is a sickness of the awareness of rays, these lights show how far down the path of damnation he has gone. In this way the suicidalist resembles the problem of the lucid madman, who if not for his lucidity would rejoice in madness: thus our subject would rejoice in suffering if it was absolute, paths back to life were cut. They are a second damnation, a doubled hell, for they remind our subject of all that he has lost and all that he has left to lose. Here the Freudian death drive may be understood not as a phenomenon that negates life for the sole , irrational purpose of negating it, but a phenomenon where in the eyes of the sufferer life has already been negated completely whilst he lives, but this negation is a half-measure. Dead while alive, his leap will be what brings the triumph of death truly over life (for when the substance of life appears as sickness unto death, the purpose of life can only be the fulfillment of death.) The experience of death at his hands is the only laurel that can crown his tragic life. For when life is taken from someone by trauma and by force, they will exalt in the freedom in finishing the job of their destroyers. See! Those who had the power to take life, see how I outmatch your power, go beyond, destroy lives such as thee. Becoming a horror that stupefies horrors, he avenges himself upon his tormentors, for evil and trauma is like a beast that grows many heads until it’s infinite eyes wonders at its own infinite barbarity. Our tragic suicidalist is filled with the mad energy of self conquering conqueror, and his virtue to his eyes are his many multiplying wounds and the energy of his self sabotaging hands.
- This, for him is ironic self actualization, the logical endpoint of a life rooted in suffering. An existence which can only be fully justified under the deathshead.
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