Red & Anon (Anon & Red) CYOA 3 (still needs editing)

>you wake up from your slumber and scratch your ass
>you're tired as shit and feel awful
>it's gonna be one of those days
>you walk downstairs to brusie brushie, seeing Red sleeping with her back hooves flung up in the air layin upside down against your couch
>looks uncomfy as fuck
>ybusinessou brush your teeth and walk into the kitchen
>Red has started twitching out of sleep
>you're not used to being quiet in the mornings
>sucks for her

>after brewing a nice cup of coffee, you walk back to the living room and see Red stretching on your couch
"Hmmmf. Mornin' Anon."
"Morning."
>you sat down with your laptop and mentally prepared yourself for the day
>Red snuck up behind your back and inspected the pages you were currently browsing
"Knock it off."
"Knock what off?"
"Don't look at people's computers. It's rude."
"Is the computer how humans reproduce?"
"No! Look. I need to leave the house for six to eight hours. And I got a job for you in the meanwhile."
"Me? A job?"
"I want you to do the dishes and take out my laundry. Can you do that for me, Red?"
"Anon, you don't understand. I don't do 'jobs'."
"Well you will do jobs as long as you're hogging my couch and eating food I pay for."
"But I-"
"And clean this fucking couch, Jesus you're shedding like a motherfucker."
"Be a good girl and I'll bring us some tasty dinner."
"Deal! But i'm not happy about having to clean up."
"That's too bad."


>you walked off your property and got down to business
>lots of uninteresting shit no one cares about happens for a few hours
>you walk home to your establishment once more
>deciding you'd surprise Red you head down to your basement to get your guns
>you open your gun cabinet and pull out your:
>Walther PPQ pistol
>Mossberg 500 Shotgun
>Survivalist SKS Autoload rifle W.bayonet
>Ruger 10/22 Autoload rifle
>pleased with your selection of firearms you strap them into holsters and stuff a small dufflebag with ammunition

>you walk into the front door
>no Red
"Red? Were the fuck are you?"
>well, shit
>maybe she bailed on you
it was during that thought you saw muddy hoof-prints on their way in and out the door


>you followed the hoofprints towards a small lake a couple of kilometers away
>tracking Red so far ahead would be difficult if not for her very unique hoofprints
>compared to anything on Earth at least
>there, next to the lake you saw your dirty clothing in a basket with Red happily playing in the water
>you facepalm
>of course Red wouldn't know what a washing-machine was
>God, you should have thought of that before ordering her to trot all the way over here with your stuff
>now you feel like an ass
"Hey, Red!"
"Anon? Anon! Jump in, the water's great!"
>you look yourself over
"No thanks. Why don't you come up here instead."
"But the water is so much better then whatever you have to say. Jump in, Anon."
"I got the guns I promised from last night, if you're a good girl and get out of the water I'll even let you fire a few rounds."
"Really? Sweet!"
>Red dog-swam out of the water and brutally shook the water off her
>wetting you in the process
"That's what you get for not bathing in a day, Anon. Don't think I haven't noticed."
>this bitch


>you guess its time to decide whether you should take her for some target practice or try yourselves on some live game




"C'mon. We're gonna shoot stuff."
"Live stuff?"
"You don't even know what a washing machine is. No live game for you."
>Red raised an eyebrow
"Come on, Anon. These things can't be that complex."
"They're dangerous. I don't want you missing a doe's vital spots so that we'll have to track her for ages just to put her out of her misery."
"Fffine."

>you take Red with you to the local range
>'The Rusty Bullet-Hole'
>thankfully it's devoid of people
>inspecting the range you find several half shot up pieces of paper and a couple of dented cans
>these will have to do
>you drop off your guns, ammo bag and Red as you make your way down range

>you set up the cans away from each-other
>a lot of them close by, a couple of them some hundred meters further down
>you walk back to Red only to find her fiddling with your guns
>Red is inspecting your Mossberg, looking down the barrel at the business end
>you hurriedly run over and yank it out of her hooves
"What the fuck, Red? Always treat a weapon like it's loaded!"
"Was it loaded?"
"No."
"Then what's the problem?"
"How can you know for sure I hadn't loaded it beforehand?"
"Well… I-"
"You couldn't! Dumb horse."
>you lay the shotgun down in front of her
"The first thing we're gonna do is learn about firearm safety."
"Good Allahcorn, Anon. Please no safety preaching."
"First of. Never aim a gun at something you're not intending to destroy. Second of all. Don't handle a weapon you have no idea how works."
"Fine, fine. Can I shoot now?"
>you load up a single Aguila mini shell, hoping the tinier shell will be easier for Red to handle
>you place the loaded shotgun on the bench, muzzle looking down range
>digging out two pairs of ear muffs you place one on Red and one on yourself
"Give it a go, Red."
>Red walked up to the shotgun and sniffed it
>she stroked a hoof over the ejection port
"I don't get it."
"You hold the shotgun towards what you want to shoot and squeze the trigger with your index fingeee-fuck you don't have fingers."
>Red looked at you questionably
"Why don't you show me how you do it and I'll try to emulate it."
>you got up, grabbed the shotgun and fired
>a reassuring 'ping' could be heard as the can you were aiming for went flying
"Shit's easy."
"Yeah. I don't see how I can do that with hooves. The trigger is too small. Can't I just use my mouth?"
"No."
"But-"
"Absolutely not."
"How about the pistol? What's the worst that could happen?"
"You could break your teeth."
"I'm an Earth Pony. Anon. Our whole deal is being tough as nails. I think I can handle a little recoil."
>it would be rude to drag her all the way to the range and not let her fire at anything
>you've already told her it's a dumb idea
"Don't say I didn't told you so."
>you upholster the Walther and load a couple of 9mm into it before cocking it
"Here you go, Red. Now be careful."
>Red's lips fitted nicely around the grip of the gun
"Hmmf ommff hmmhmm."
"That's nice, Red. Remember, tongue off the trigger until you're ready to fire."
>Red walked up to thebench and rested her forehooves ontop of it as she took aim
*Bang*
>missed
*Bang*
>missed again
*Bang*
>hit
*Bang*
>hit again
>it seems that Red has managed to find out were the bullets are going
>a succession of hits later and the pistol went click, indicating Red's all spent of ammo
>the mare gently spat out the gun on the bench and walked over to you with a huge grin on her face
"Seven Hells, that was exhilarating! I felt so powerful!"
"Yeah guns are pretty cool. How's your mouth?"
>Red felt around her mouth using her tongue
"All there, Anon. Never underestimate an Earth Pony."
"Noted."
"I wanna shoot the big one!"
"The shotgun? It's too heavy for you to fit in your mouth."
"Isn't there something you can do to make it work?"


>the gears in your head grind thinking of a way to solve Red's quadrupeded issue
>bingo
>you unmount the bayonet fixed to your SKS
"Anon, what are you doi-"
"Stand still."
"Eeep!"
>success
"Anon, my tail! You cut off a piece of my tail!"
"You won't even notice it in that rats nest you call a tail. Besides I found out a way to let you shoot the shotgun."
"My tail though…"
"It'll grow back."
"Anon, I need it to cover my ladybits."
"Just wear some fucking boxers or something. Turn around, let me see."
"Wow, Anon."
"Not like that, you ass. Let me see if it's still covered up."
>Red huffed but did a quick turn regardless
"You see them?"
"Nah. There's still plenty tail left."
"Just warn me next time, alright. Tails don't grow on trees you know."

>you got down to business, making a makeshift rope out of the piece of tail you took from Red
>damn, this stuff is durable as fuck
"Alright, Red I think you'll need to sit for this to work"
>Red plumped her rump down in front of the range with her back leaning on the bench
>you gave her the shotgun and a string made out of her own tail hair
>it just occurred to you that you could probably just use your shoelaces
>fuck that, they're way to hard to get back in
"Now, hold it steady, and grip it tightly. It will kick. No, no! Not like that. Lean into the gun. There, yes, just like that."
*BOOM!*
>cans went flying
>the recoil took Red by surprise
"I've heard about how one sword keeps another in the sheathe but this is ridiculous!"
>Red pulled the trigger again
>nothing
"You need to pump it, Red."
"But how do I do tha- Wait!"
>Red slid down from her sitting position and maneuvered her hind legs onto the forearm of the gun
>with a valiant thrust, the shotgun was pumped and the spent shell ejected
>a sinister smile ran across Red's face as she kept putting buckshot after buckshot down range
"I'M FUCKING INVINCIBLE!"
>all good things must come to an end though
>Red found that out when she ejected the last shell and the gun stopped firing
"Wooo! This thing is awesome! I want one, anon."
"Get a job and buy one then."
>wait, shit, she doesn't have any papers on her
>and you're pretty sure no country's gun laws are loose enough to allow horses to purchase firearms

>still, had some hours to spare before dinner
>you should think about getting some food from the store
>too bad you didn't bag anything to eat
>oh well

"Were do I get one?"
"You're not allowed to buy one because you're not a citizen in my country, Red. I totally forgot about that."
"Lame."
"Cheer up, we're going to some stores to get some food and stuff."
"Can't I stay here at the range, Anon?"
"Forget it, you'll take someone's eye out. I'll even buy you some ice cream if you promise to not say a word in public."
"But what if I need to pee?"
"Not a single word. At all, that's final."
"Better be the best ice cream I've ever had."


>you and Red make it down to the market
>you could drive her self insert, fuck yeah
>but you figured a walk could do you both some good after some shooting
>after failing to tie Red to a pole with a protests of neighs and angry stompings you surrendered to taking her with you inside the grocery store
>the cashier inside was old as fucking dust
>didn't even notice you bringing Red
>Red started sniffing some dry biscuits
>she pointed them out with her hoof with a questioning look on her face
>they're cheep as shit, might as well
>after buying yourself some duct tape and different ingredients for dinner you paid the old man and went on on your merry way
>thankfully Red was just short enough for the counter to cover her when she ducked

>now that that's out of the way you hit the sporting goods
>looking around a new jacket some asshole approached you
>"Sir, you can't bring animals into this establishment."
>fucker looked like he was on drugs
>unkempt long hair, wonky posture, slurred speech, the whole nine yards
>Red whined at being called an animal
>you saw her just in time to push her away from biting the guy's leg using your own
>the guy's eyed fixated on Red
>"Dude…"
"What?"
>"Is that like, a pony. From the show?"
"What show. What the fuck are you talking about?"
>"My little pony, bro. How'd you get one of these?"
>ohh shit
>must be one of these bronies you've heard about
>well, shit
>no reason to try to disguise her as a dog then
"Ehhh. I found her. At sea."
>"You're fucking joking, bro."
"No really."
>"That's awesome, man. Have you named her yet?"
"She has a name. Her name is Red."
>the brony leaned over her and started petting her mane
>Red obviously didn't enjoy that but was doing her best to hide it
"Please stop touching my roomie."
>"Oh, so you guys live together?"
>a parasite does technically live in the vicinity of it's host
"Yeah. Hands off."
>"Sorry bro, I didn't mean it like that. I bet you're really happy together."
>you flustered
"Not like that, you asshole!"
>the brony looked surprised
>"Really bro?"
"You look surprised."
>"Dude! She's super cute, I'd be chatting up that sweet, hot thing before someone else does, if you know what i'm saying."
>Red basked in the compliment
>just who was this dude?
>did you go to school with him and just forgot something?
>you've never met a total stranger talking so casually and lewd about a non-human
>your thoughts drift back to /pone/ and the threads and posts you saw
>oh god
>people like that do exist in real life
"Fuck, I mean- Whatever. I need some rock climbing harnesses and rope."
>"Something for the little lady?"
"Yes."
>"Yeah alright, alright. That's cool. Can you talk, Red, can you say hello?"
>Red opened her mouth to answer but with quick thinking and a conveniently placed rack of gym socks you managed to stuff her face hole before she could utter words
"Dude. What the fuck?"
>"What? Let the mare speak."
"No! There might be people who'll get a little freaked out from a talking horse."
>"Ohh. Smart move, dude."
"Yeah, no shit."

>Red was allowed to walk around the shop and pick out harnesses that fit her best as you continued exchanging words with the brony
>"I'm telling you, man. If you need any advice, any advice at all on how to sex up a mare, I've read stack bibles worth of fanfictions."
"I told you, my barn door doesn't swing that way."
>heh, barn door
>"I'm just sayin' man. You might not have that attitude forever, it's all about keeping an open mind, dude. here, it's my Skype."
>the guy handed you a half crumbled up piece of paper
>from what you could tell, strips had been torn off the paper to double as smoking paper
>you stick it in your pocket regardless



>with shopping done and your belly aching for nourishment you decide to go home
>after dinner you still had a few hours that could be used on anything you wanted
>now, what did you buy for you and Red's dinner?
>damn selective memory


>you search around in your plastic bags to uncover what you just bought
>what
>the
>fuck

"How did I even carry all this shit back home?"
"I carried the carrots, butter and the Pacman cheese.
"Parmesan, Red. It's called Parmesan. But still."
"How are we even going to eat all this? It'll go bad, what were you thinking, anon?"
"I wasn't. I don't even like some of the shit here. What the fuck am I going to do with all this fucking food?"
>Red raised a hoof
"A feast?"
"I don't know that many people."
"How about that hash perfumed blaggard you met at the rope shop?"
"It was selling sporting goods as well, and I don't know the guy. You can't just invite strangers like that."
"Sure you can, how else would you go about getting rid of all this food? Besides, you should socialize more."
"The guy's a freak though."
"How so?"
"He wanted to fuck you for one thing."
"He's got good taste, anon. Nothing freaky about that."
>Red let out a laugh
"Say, anon. He did give you a piece of paper for you to contact him on, right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think you're the one he wants to make squeal behind the wheel"
"What?!"
"Yeah, you said exchanging numbers was a human mating ritual."
>fucking stupid ponies
"Not like that."
"What's the difference?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure this guy is only interested in you, he's an adult… fan of a show abou- You know what, Red? Yes. He is definitely hitting on us."
"figured. You should still contact him though. Wasting food is something you just don't do."
"Alright, alright. I'll contact him."
>plus he might know more about ponies and stuff
>maybe a way to get Red back home to her fellow talking equines
"You boil some water, imma add him on Skype. You DO know what a stove-top is, right?"
"Anon, I'm not stupid."
"Good to hear!"

>you log onto Skype and is immediately swarmed with thousands of group messages
>mental note to clean this shit up one of these days
>you type in his username
>pony avatar
>it's a picture of a purple unicorn smoking a joint
>must be him
[Hello]
>[Who's this?]
[Anon, we met at the sporting goods store.]
>[Look, if this is about the sock on the fire alarm in the break-room I can explain]
[I'm the guy with the pony, remember? You gave me your Skype.]
>[Oh. OHHH! Dude! I got this chat group that's just dying to meet you! The guys don't believe me but I KNOW what I saw. Can you send a picture of Red with a timestamp? I'll gift you any game you want on steam!]
[No pictures, period. But I'll do you one better. I'll invite you to dinner with me and Red.]
>[Seriously?!]
[Yep, you seem to know more about her kind than I do. I have some questions regarding her world and stuff. And remember, no pictures.]
>[I'd love to, man. Anything. Like, were do you live?]
>you explain to him the location of your house
>you're not too thrilled about having a stranger in your house but fortunately for you, you did own a lot of firearms

>you move away from the computer and into the kitchen
>Red has managed to place the pasta in the water and was chopping carrots when you walked in on her
>how she was able to chop while using her mouth to hold the knife was beyond you
>she must have a really good dental plan or something
>you should ask the brony about it, she seems way too durable for her frame
>your guess was some wolverine adamantium skeleton thingy

"Need any help with the food?"
"It would help if I knew what you wanted to make."
"Let's just make shit up as we go along."
"The difference between good luck and bad luck is planning, Anon."
"We're having a brony over, I'm pretty sure he's familiar with good taste at all."
"Oh if he has the hots for me, he can't have that" bad of a taste. And you should always treat your guests like family, nopony likes a sloppy host.


>damn nigga, Rachael Ray's shitty show is on around this time
>you hurry over to the TV and change channels
"Oy Red. Make whatever this lady's making. I need to go downstairs real quick."
>you didn't even wait for a response
>you're speedrunning this shit
>down in the basement you look around in your gun cabinet
>acquire fully loaded Walther
>sweet
>you strap on a holster underneath your jacket and place the pistol in it
>paranoid as fuck but whatever

>you walk back up to see Red stressing like a motherfucker trying to keep up with Rachael Ray on the TV
>Red's got nothing on that speedy ass Mexican
>sausages, you gotta prepare some Italian sausages

>you had no idea on how to prepare Italian sausage
>you slice some winter squash and use them as buns
>fancy as fuck
>you lay some cod down and wrap them in sourdough
>place that shit in the oven
>hell yeah, this shit is easy
"Anon, the pasta is ready!"
>hurry now
>you filter out the water from the pasta remaining and use the tomato sauce mixed in with Vodka as topping
>place a couple of sliced zucchini on that shit for good measure
>you take the rest of the zucchini and lace them with Parmesan cheese
"Red. Fix us some salad."
"On it!"
>you two worked like symbioses in the kitchen
>the rice must be prepared
>you get to it

>there's a knock at the door
"I'll get it, put the squash-dogs out of the oven, Red."
"Touch your own filthy pork."
>you halted your approach to the door
"Jesus, Red. Just do it."
"No. You do it."
>Red sounded determined
"Fuck, alright, you get the fucking door then."
>looking satisfied, Red walked down to the door to open it
>you'll have to ask her about why she's so difficult when it comes to handling(hoofeling?) pig
>maybe her best friend from back in Equestria was a pig?
>fuck if you knew, she did say a lot of animals there could talk
>"Duuude!"
>here he is
>"Hey, Red. Can you say 'human'?"
>you walked over to the hallway
>Red didn't like to be patronized
>"Hyyooouuu-meeen. You can do it, Red. Huuuu-maaannn."
>Red swiftly kicked him in the shin
"Dance with Jack Ketch, you pox-faced asshole."
>"Owww. What'd you do that for?!"
>you sigh
>this is gonna be a looong night
>better bring out the vodka ad wine

>after that little bit of nastiness was settled, and the brony apologizing half a million times. All 3 of you were seated in your couch enjoying your on-the-spot dishes
>you and Red on the long end and the brony on the short end
>"So, Red. Were are you from?"
"Equestria, just west of Saddle Arabia."
>the brony had a little notebook out and was scribbling frantically
>Red didn't seem to mind
>"Mhhm. And what sort of ruling government does Saddle Arabia have?"
"Umm, a scummy one?"
>"My apologies, m'lady. Is Saddle Arabia ruled by the Princesses?"
"Princesses?"
>"Duh, Anon. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Do you even watch the show?"
"God no."
>Red chipped in
"Saddle Arabia is under no Celestial or Lunar law."
>"I see, I see."
"Why are you so curious about this shit anyways?"
>"Why am I- Have you any idea that you're housing a creature from another freakin' dimension?! She's from a place fictionalized by humans! I can't even comprehend how awesome this is!"
"She's just a talking horse."
>"She's so much MORE! Do you even realized you've made first contact?! This is the stuff of legend right here."


>you sip some wine
"I don't give a shit. Red's chill and all but I don't know if I could deal with more than one of her."
"Ponies aren't clones or anything, we have different characteristics."
>"That's right, just look at the mane 6. OH! Do you know the mane 6, Red?"
"What are you talking about?"
>"Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie!"
"Seriously? They sound like porn actresses."
>"They're the heroes of Equestria!"
>still sound like porn names to you
"Heard of? Aye, Applejack I've heard of. Grows the best apples in all of Equestria."
>"So you're really from Equestria. Oummmm!"
>the brony looked like he had a mixture of a stroke and an orgasm
"Hey, dude. Snap out of it."
>"Hmm. Oh, sorry, dude."
"I brought you here because I wanted to brainstorm something with the two of you."
>the brony slung his head back in a dramatic fashion
>"It saddens me that it's come to this but my answer is yes. Yes I will take Red off your hands and care for her and love her forever since you can no longer bear the burden of housing her!
"…"
"…Not that. I was wondering if there's a way to send Red back home."
>"What?! Why! Why would you ever do that!?"
"She doesn't belong here, you said it yourself that she's from another dimension."
>"But, but."
"Red, how would you feel bout going home to Equestria?"
"I'd like that. This place is cool and all, movies, guns, pizza. But I have unsettled business back home that I need to do. Otherwise, heck yeah, I'd love to grow old and mooch of Anon."
>not gonna happen
>"Why don't you come home with me instead? I'll show you one thing worth staying on earth for."
>the brony wiggled one of his his eyebrows seductively
>you facepalmed
"Uhh, yeah, no thanks, I think I'm fine here with Anon for now."
>"Alright, if you're sure."
"I'm the most sure I've ever been."
>rejected
>that's my girl, Red
"Why don't you tell the guy how you got her in the first place?"
>Red retold the story about her arrival to earth
>she went into greater detail about the storm she and her vessel experienced before ending up on some drifting wood out in the ocean next to your house
>"I see, what you've explained to me sounds like a magical blowout. I read about it in a fanfic about Twilight Sparkle once."
>fanfiction
>oh boy here we go
"Twilight's got a fanfiction? Do I have any fanfiction?"
"Who the hell would make a fanfiction about you, Red?"
"Up yours, Anon. I'd make great fanfiction material."
>"Anyways, it's a release of magic, so powerful done on one place that it has an equal release of magic somewwere else in Equestria. Magic blowouts is like water you see. Whenever you toss a rock in water it splashes violently, if you're underwater and look at it upside down it looks like a rock is exploding out out underneath your feet."
"That's as much sense a fanfiction gets."
>"Do you have any other theories, Anon?"
"Yes, she's a crazy science experiment that's escaped her lab or something."
"Am not."
"That makes more sense than this guy's theory."
>"To get back home you'd have to look out for storm-clouds with funky colors in them instead of regular lightning. Ride into it and hope it spawns you somewhere safe."
"That seems… Incredibly stupid."
>"It's the only way I know about. If you were a unicorn you could use a teleport spell if you were skilled enough, maybe, but…"
"Hmm, can I borrow your boat for this, Anon?"
"Fuck no, get your own boat."
>"Are you guys talking about the sad looking rowboat outside?"
"It's not 'sad', it's antique."
>"A boat like that… Not gonna work, you need something way more sturdy than that."
"Maybe you should get a job so you can afford one, Red?"
"Not gonna happen. But I'll think of something."
>you didn't like the sound of that

>the evening was getting late and the brony thanked Red for the information and you for the food, landing him another kick from Red for not thanking her for his meal as well
>you were glad you didn't have to use your pistol
>you and Red packed up all the dirty dishes and got ready for bed
"Anon, do you want me out of the house?"
"Yes."
"Be serious, Anon. Am I a burden to you?"
"Look, Red. I want you to be back home were you belong, I don't mind having you around but you said it yourself you had unfinished business in Equestria. It would be extremely selfish of me to keep you here."
"I see, well. I'm glad i'm not a nuisance. I know you would have told me so if I was. That's what I like about you, Anon. You tell it like it is, without sugarcoating stuff."
"We're pretty much the same in that department."
"Hehe. Well, goodnight, Anon."
"Night, Red."

>the two of you got to bed, Red on the couch and you in your bed
>you've really gotten accustomed to having Red around
>she was a pretty cool pone
>tomorrow you had no obligations what so ever, the entire day off
>maybe you should think of something to spend it on