Zombieland

1
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,944
Oh, America.

2
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,947
I wish I could tell you
that this was still America...

3
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:35,951
...but I've come to realize that you
can't have a country without people.

4
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,955
And there are no people here.

5
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:49,381
No! No!

6
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,470
Go back... Fuck!

7
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,140
No, my friends.

8
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:02,352
This is now
the United States of Zombieland.

9
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:10,819
It's amazing how quickly things
can go from bad to total shit storm.

10
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,364
And why am I alive when everyone
around me has turned to meat?

11
00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:17,367
It's because of my list of rules.

12
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:20,746
Rule number one
for surviving Zombieland: Cardio.

13
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:23,749
Fuck!

14
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,502
When the virus struck,
for obvious reasons...

15
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,004
...the first ones to go
were the fatties.

16
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,927
Poor fat bastard.

17
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,681
But as the infection spread
and the chaos grew...

18
00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:42,351
...it wasn't enough
to just be fast on your feet.

19
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,355
You had to get a gun
and learn how to use it.

20
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,024
Which leads me to my second rule:
The Double Tap.

21
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:55,197
In those moments when you're not sure
the undead are really "dead" dead...

22
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,366
...don't get all stingy
with your bullets.

23
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,369
I mean, one more clean shot
to the head...

24
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:06,208
...and this lady could have avoided
becoming a human Happy Meal.

25
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,211
Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

26
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,964
Wasn't long before the zombies
began to get clever.

27
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,467
When you're at your most vulnerable,
somehow they could just smell it.

28
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,887
Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?

29
00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:27,729
Don't let them catch you pants down.
Beware of bathrooms.

30
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:34,236
As zombies
began to outnumber humans...

31
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,322
...well, that's when you had to cut
all emotional ties.

32
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:41,076
If the girls in your neighborhood
are now fucked-up little monsters...

33
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,956
...well, maybe it's time
to stop driving carpool.

34
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,963
You had to focus
on your own survival...

35
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,924
...which leads to rule number four.
Pretty basic.

36
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:08,437
Fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

37
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:58,130
That guy down there is me.
I'm in Garland, Texas.

38
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,967
And it may look like zombies destroyed
it, but that's actually just Garland.

39
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,470
Two months since patient zero
took a bite of a contaminated burger...

40
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,930
...at a Gas N' Gulp.

41
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:11,393
Just two months, and I might be the
last non-cannibal freak in the country.

42
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,562
I may seem like
an unlikely survivor...

43
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,982
...with all my phobias
and irritable-bowel syndrome...

44
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,403
...but I had the advantage of never
having any friends or any close family.

45
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,156
I survive because I play it safe
and follow the rules.

46
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,908
My rules.

47
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,939
Shit.

48
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:12,621
Of course.

49
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,192
Motherfucker.

50
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:10,846
On the bright side, I had found
a place to go number two.

51
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:17,686
Another rule to surviving
Zombieland: Travel light.

52
00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:21,022
And I don't mean just luggage.

53
00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:23,024
I've always been kind of a loner.

54
00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,193
I avoided people
like they were zombies...

55
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,070
...even before they were zombies.

56
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:30,657
Now that they are all zombies,
I kind of miss people.

57
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,244
So I'm on my way from
my college dorm in Austin, Texas...

58
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:38,373
...to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm
hoping my parents are still alive.

59
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,542
Even though we were never
really close...

60
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,462
...it would be nice to see
a familiar face, or any face...

61
00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:47,549
...that doesn't have blood dripping from
its lips and flesh between its teeth.

62
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:17,389
Thank you.

63
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,482
- What are you looking for?
- Nothing. I just have this list.

64
00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,860
No one back there but my duffel bag.

65
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,826
- What's your name?
- Stop. No names.

66
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:40,078
Keeps us from getting too familiar.

67
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,416
You almost knocked over your alcohol
with your knife.

68
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,503
- That's okay, you don't have to...
- So where you headed?

69
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,840
Columbus. You?

70
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,510
Tallahassee.

71
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:03,018
No, one for me. One and done,
I always say. I said that once.

72
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:09,024
You know, Tallahassee and Columbus
are both east.

73
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:10,442
So?

74
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,903
So, Tallahassee,
you wanna stick together?

75
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:18,033
- Least for a while?
- Here's the deal, Columbus.

76
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,535
I'm not easy to get along with...

77
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,038
...and I'm sensing
you're a bit of a bitch...

78
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:27,751
...so I give this relationship
to about Texarkana.

79
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:31,046
Really? Yeah.
You'll take me as far as Texarkana.

80
00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:34,090
You're a peppy little spit-fuck,
aren't you?

81
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,885
You might wanna buckle up
for safety.

82
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:41,389
I can tell already
you are gonna get on my nerves.

83
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,434
Even though teaming up
wasn't my style...

84
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,770
...I figured I'd be safer
with Tallahassee.

85
00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:49,439
You see, he was in
the ass-kicking business, and...

86
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,441
Business is good.

87
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:56,863
It became quickly apparent, however,
that he did have one weakness.

88
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,448
What are we doing here?

89
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,909
Well, take a look.
It's a goddamn Hostess truck.

90
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,412
Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck.
So what?

91
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:05,955
I could use a Twinkie.

92
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:17,092
- You coming?
- Yes. Yeah. One second.

93
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,348
- Are you fucking with me?
- No.

94
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,518
You should actually limber up
as well.

95
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,687
Especially if we are going down
that hill.

96
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,146
It is very important.

97
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:31,940
I don't believe in it.

98
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,610
You ever see a lion limber up
before it takes down a gazelle?

99
00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:01,970
- Sno Balls?
- Yeah.

100
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,973
Sno Balls?

101
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:08,309
Where's the fucking Twinkies?

102
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,353
I like Sno Balls.

103
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,523
I hate coconut.
Not the taste, consistency.

104
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,817
Fresh.

105
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,364
Oh, this Twinkie thing,
it ain't over yet.

106
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:27,245
Hey, this may be a bad time...

107
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,748
...but I gotta take the Browns
to the Super Bowl.

108
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,416
- Really?
- Really.

109
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:41,050
I know, again, so soon?
What can I say?

110
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,595
I have a case of chronic anxiety.

111
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:52,604
Truth is, I was always kind of phobic.
I found lots of things disturbing.

112
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,274
Like undertow
or department store Santas.

113
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,984
Being alone with a baby.

114
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:03,865
But the thing I fear more than anything,
yes, even more than zombies...

115
00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:07,076
...fucking clowns.

116
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,540
When you're afraid of everything
that's out there...

117
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,043
...you quit going out there...

118
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,712
...which is what happened to me
before Zombieland.

119
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:21,758
Friday night,
third straight week indoors.

120
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,760
"World of Warcraft"...

121
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,054
...leaning tower of pizza boxes...

122
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,306
...Code Red Mountain Dew.

123
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,600
Pride, nowhere.

124
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,477
Dignity, long gone.

125
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,230
Virginity, totally justifiable
to speculate on.

126
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,232
Smooth.

127
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,068
My whole life, all I'd ever wanted
was to find a girl...

128
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,655
...and fall in love, bring her home
to meet the folks.

129
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,741
Then again, since my folks
are paranoid shut-ins like me...

130
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,410
...maybe this girl could
bring me home to her folks.

131
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:53,998
And then I'd finally be a member
of a cool, functional family.

132
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,084
408.

133
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,254
Please, is anyone home?
Please, it's an emergency.

134
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:02,423
I don't usually unlock my door
to the sounds of panic...

135
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,509
...but my neighbor 406
is insanely hot.

136
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,094
Okay, okay.

137
00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:13,935
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

138
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,770
Nice to meet you.

139
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,193
Here.

140
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,612
There you go.

141
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,703
- Mountain Dew?
- Yeah. Code Red.

142
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:35,623
And here's some Golden Grahams.
The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp.

143
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,626
Okay. Keep that there.

144
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,212
So tell me what happened.

145
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:47,010
He was homeless and sick.

146
00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:50,054
And I was walking home from the bar,
talking on my phone...

147
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:54,309
...and then he just came sprinting
towards me.

148
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:57,604
I mean, not running, sprinting.

149
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:01,816
And I thought, you know, like, maybe
he was running from someone...

150
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:07,238
...or after someone, but last time I saw
he was still out there going crazy.

151
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,531
Drugs, maybe?

152
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,036
I didn't even tell you the worst part.

153
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,997
Yeah?

154
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,999
He tried to bite me.

155
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:25,673
- You're right, that's the worst part.
- I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.

156
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,844
No, no, no, you should be scared.
A homeless man just tried to eat you.

157
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,430
That's the right kind of scared.
That's reasonable.

158
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,392
I get scared for things that don't make
sense, like clowns with red noses...

159
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:41,105
...or the rags they use to wipe tables
when you finish eating at a restaurant.

160
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,941
Really?

161
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:46,861
Look, the point is
I am here for you, okay?

162
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:50,531
And as long as you are by my side,
I am not leaving this apartment.

163
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,368
Do you mind if I just close my eyes
for a minute?

164
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:55,203
No, of course. Of course.

165
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,956
- Thank you.
- Okay.

166
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:01,292
Set aside the feverish,
homeless cannibal...

167
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,378
...l'm living the dream.

168
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,630
I had always, my whole life...

169
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:09,425
...wanted to brush a girl's hair
over her ear.

170
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,387
- Good night.
- Good night.

171
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,278
Oh, my God.

172
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,072
Are you okay?

173
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,413
Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.

174
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:41,082
What are you doing?

175
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:51,092
Look, stay back, 406, okay?
I don't wanna hurt you, but...

176
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,593
Shit.

177
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,025
Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry.

178
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,523
You see, you just can't trust anyone.

179
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:51,402
The first time I let a girl into my life
and she tries to eat me.

180
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:09,087
Please. Listen to me.

181
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,214
406.

182
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,424
If you're in there...

183
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,887
...you're just sick. Okay?

184
00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:37,240
That was my first brush
with the plague of the 21 st century.

185
00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:39,033
Remember mad cow disease?

186
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:42,537
Well, mad cow became mad person
became mad zombie.

187
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:46,749
It's a fast-acting virus that left you
with a swollen brain, a raging fever...

188
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,918
...that made you hateful, violent...

189
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,921
...and gave you a really, really bad
case of the munchies.

190
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,132
All right, you steer, I'll push.

191
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:59,887
Okay.

192
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,892
I've heard there's a place
that's untouched by this crap.

193
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,562
- Back east, yeah?
- Yeah. You heard the same thing?

194
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:12,275
Out west, we hear it's back east.
Back east, they hear it's out west.

195
00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:15,278
It's all just nonsense.

196
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,947
You know, you're like a penguin
on the North Pole...

197
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,284
...who hears the South Pole
is really nice this time of year.

198
00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:24,162
There are no penguins
on the North Pole.

199
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,915
You wanna feel how hard
I can punch?

200
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,335
So, what do you think?

201
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,005
Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?

202
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,758
Last time you went 20 toes,
put Percy in the playpen?

203
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:38,926
Who's Percy?

204
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:41,470
Wallpapered the closet,
passed the gravy.

205
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,807
- Went heels to Jesus.
- Oh, made love.

206
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,767
Well, just sex.

207
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:51,606
Three weeks ago. Yeah.

208
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,608
In the back
of an abandoned FedEx truck.

209
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:58,112
- Shut up.
- No, no, I was headed east.

210
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,448
She, west.

211
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,783
And we took shelter
in the back of the truck.

212
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:05,953
- It was full of undelivered packages.
- What was her name?

213
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,039
Beverly.

214
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,373
Beverly Hills.

215
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:10,708
You dog.

216
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,296
So, what about you?

217
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,466
Me? I...

218
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,219
Aye, aye, aye.

219
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,475
Oh, my God. It makes you sick.

220
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,478
You know, it makes you sad,
it makes you...

221
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:34,148
It makes you think if you can go back
to the way things were right now...

222
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,566
...you know, you'd be...

223
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:38,945
You'd be out in the backyard,
you know, trying to catch fireflies.

224
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,530
And instead this.

225
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,411
- I mean, it makes you...
- Hungry.

226
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,163
I'm worried about you.

227
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:52,333
Look, whatever you have
waiting for you in Columbus...

228
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:57,046
...I promise you it ain't prettier than
our friend here enjoying her Manwich.

229
00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:07,848
Tallahassee had a sick sense
of humor when it came to zombies.

230
00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:11,477
Zombies aren't the most lovable
creatures, but he really hated them.

231
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,730
The only thing he was more
obsessed with than killing zombies...

232
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:16,190
...was finding a Twinkie.

233
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:19,694
Something about a Twinkie reminded
him of a time not so long ago...

234
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:23,447
...when things were simple
and not so fucking psychotic.

235
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:26,867
It was like if he got a taste
of that comforting childhood treat...

236
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:31,205
...the world would become innocent,
and everything would return to normal.

237
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,124
What, are you prospecting?

238
00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:35,042
Jesus Christ.

239
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:37,128
You are a dangerous man.

240
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,716
You're gonna risk our lives
for a Twinkie?

241
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,719
There is a box of Twinkies
in that grocery store.

242
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,721
Not just any box of Twinkies.

243
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:51,892
The last box of Twinkies that anyone
will enjoy in the whole universe.

244
00:21:52,060 --> 00:21:54,895
Believe it or not,
Twinkies have an expiration date.

245
00:21:56,064 --> 00:22:02,069
Someday very soon, life's little
Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.

246
00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,906
Time to nut up or shut up.

247
00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:10,077
When Tallahassee
goes Hulk on a zombie...

248
00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:13,122
...he sets the standard
for not-to-be-fucked-with.

249
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,082
No fear, nothing to lose.

250
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,253
What can I say? It's like...
It's like art.

251
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:38,939
You got a pretty mouth.

252
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:50,993
Don't swing, don't swing.

253
00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:53,079
Swing.

254
00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,086
- Thank you.
- You owe me.

255
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:03,631
Yeah.

256
00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:04,965
You're incredible.

257
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:06,509
- I know.
- Yeah.

258
00:23:06,676 --> 00:23:10,137
Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.

259
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:12,807
Big Hoss.

260
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:22,316
Come here, big fella.
Just gonna take a little off the top.

261
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:32,243
Wow, these fellas
really let themselves go.

262
00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:34,495
And they're so fat.

263
00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:36,872
I think we should probably
just keep going.

264
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:43,170
All I could think of was,
what are the odds?

265
00:23:43,338 --> 00:23:46,924
Another marriageable woman
to bring home to the folks.

266
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:48,342
Come quick.

267
00:23:49,177 --> 00:23:52,680
Someone's ear is in danger
of having hair brushed over it.

268
00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:56,684
Hey.

269
00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:59,019
I'll catch up.

270
00:24:01,648 --> 00:24:04,900
Rule number 22:
When in doubt, know your way out.

271
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:17,121
They're sisters.
The little one's been bitten.

272
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,540
Act normal. Try not to freak her out.

273
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:21,459
Yeah.

274
00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,463
Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock.

275
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,217
So you did all this for a Twinkie?

276
00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:35,473
No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of
like a Sancho Panza character.

277
00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,768
Look, I don't think she has long.

278
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:44,106
Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows.
We're just looking for a way out.

279
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,943
No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl.

280
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:50,070
Don't talk about me like I'm not here.

281
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,115
Right, sorry.

282
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:57,912
Look, I know that you're really sick.

283
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:00,456
But your sister wants me to...

284
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:03,209
It's not her decision, okay? It's mine.

285
00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,252
I made her promise.

286
00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:09,924
We already said goodbye,
but we didn't have a gun.

287
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,719
- We don't know that there's no cure.
- You're just gutless!

288
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,096
Give him the gun.

289
00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:35,783
Wait, wait, wait.

290
00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:39,662
I'll do it.

291
00:25:57,305 --> 00:26:00,266
- I love you.
- I love you too.

292
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:11,652
You need some help?

293
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,530
Now that you mention it...

294
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,324
...we'll take your weapons,
car keys, your ammunition.

295
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:20,786
- And if you've got it, sugarless gum.
- What the fuck?

296
00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:24,582
Wait, why are you guys doing this?

297
00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:26,917
Better you make the mistake
of trusting us...

298
00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:29,169
...than us make the mistake
of trusting you.

299
00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:35,759
The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows
up, makes me feel like an idiot...

300
00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:40,014
...steals my double-barrel and then
says I'm the one that can't be trusted.

301
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:45,686
Nice going, genius.

302
00:26:45,854 --> 00:26:47,855
You're the one that gave her the gun.

303
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:50,608
Those guys were dumb.

304
00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:54,570
Avoid the vanity mirror.

305
00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:57,031
Relax, okay?
I just passed for a zombie.

306
00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:02,953
- What I'd give for a shower...
- Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?

307
00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:06,040
Let's just get where we're going.

308
00:27:06,207 --> 00:27:09,043
- So do you think it's true?
- Is what true?

309
00:27:09,210 --> 00:27:11,211
You know, about Pacific Playland?

310
00:27:11,379 --> 00:27:15,382
Totally zombie-free.
Only place west of Waco.

311
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,886
Trust me.

312
00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,641
He's on one of these serious
Tour de France bikes...

313
00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:25,976
You know, with, like,
the toeholds, right?

314
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:31,148
- and he's pedaling, and the zombie's
head is, like, caught in the gear.

315
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:35,069
You know, with the hair in the chain
just, like, going around.

316
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,071
Very cool.

317
00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:42,159
But zombie kill of the week?
No, sir.

318
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,246
I saw this construction worker.
I shit you not...

319
00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:49,833
...he is on a steamroller, and a zombie
goes down in front of him.

320
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:52,586
You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up
from the bottom?

321
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:57,174
- I always roll it up from the bottom.
- Well, the zombie's head is the cap.

322
00:27:57,384 --> 00:28:00,678
Are you one of these guys that tries
to one-up everybody else's story?

323
00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:05,015
No. I knew a guy way worse
at that than me.

324
00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,267
All right, let's just try to find a car.

325
00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:08,477
Which reminds me...

326
00:28:08,645 --> 00:28:11,647
...I never had headaches like this
till your ass came onboard.

327
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:16,360
I mean, do what you want with a man,
but do not fuck with his Cadillac.

328
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:17,778
Hey, there's a nice minivan.

329
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,531
Oh, you know something?
That is nice.

330
00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,032
That's a beautiful van.

331
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:27,329
Tallahassee believes you have to
blow off steam in Zombieland...

332
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,124
...or else you lose what's left
of your mind.

333
00:28:30,291 --> 00:28:33,627
If it makes him happy and keeps him
from using that crowbar on me...

334
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,338
...then I say, "Hey, go ape shit."

335
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:38,549
I want my Caddy back!

336
00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:42,511
Stupid little bitches!

337
00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:52,062
Oh, I think I pulled something.

338
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,483
Think the two of us are smart enough
to come up with a con like that?

339
00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:02,823
You hesitated.

340
00:29:04,492 --> 00:29:08,996
Is it better to be smart or lucky?

341
00:29:09,372 --> 00:29:12,458
Look at what we got here.

342
00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:35,898
Come on.

343
00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,988
- That's nice.
- Smell the finger?

344
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:48,786
Yes.

345
00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:56,210
Thank God for rednecks.

346
00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:58,879
This is a really big truck...

347
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:03,801
...and these are really big guns.

348
00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:05,636
Take your time.

349
00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,161
You know, they say,
"He who seeks revenge...

350
00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,163
...should remember
to dig two graves."

351
00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:37,543
Right. Two graves. One for
the big chick, one for the little chick.

352
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,127
You are scary happy.

353
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:45,509
Come on, why don't we just forget
about those girls and head home?

354
00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:47,928
Oh, you want to talk about home?

355
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:53,433
For me, home was a puppy
named Buck.

356
00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,936
Cutest dog ever.

357
00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:05,654
All those fucking zombies.

358
00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:07,781
I lost him.

359
00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:14,079
And there ain't no getting him back,
so I'm looking for a new home.

360
00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:19,167
Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping
in the Yellowstone River...

361
00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:22,880
...or swinging from the chandeliers
in the Playboy Mansion...

362
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:27,467
...but today,
a Vortec six-fucking-liter V8...

363
00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:31,388
...a box full of hollow points,
and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie.

364
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:36,226
Gotta enjoy the little things.

365
00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:40,731
I hate to give credit to anyone
who looks like Yosemite Sam...

366
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,316
...but I'm writing it down.

367
00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:44,985
Rule number 32:
Enjoy the little things.

368
00:31:53,202 --> 00:31:55,370
Knowing them, it's a trap.

369
00:31:55,538 --> 00:31:58,916
Wait here. Drive down if I signal.

370
00:31:59,125 --> 00:32:01,209
You're not gonna shoot them,
are you?

371
00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:04,129
Not unless they shoot at me.

372
00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:07,382
Oh, let's hope they shoot at me.

373
00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:00,143
Looks like they hoofed it.

374
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,646
Probably headed west.

375
00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,815
Just drive slow,
keep your eyes peeled.

376
00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,733
Sure.

377
00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:13,615
- They're in the back, aren't they?
- Just me.

378
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:17,202
I'm really sorry.
She was like a crouching tiger.

379
00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:20,706
You got taken hostage
by a 12-year-old?

380
00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:24,418
Girls mature faster than boys. She's
way ahead of where I was at that age.

381
00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:27,754
Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please.

382
00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:30,132
Like you would ever use that thing.

383
00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:33,260
Don't kill me with my own gun!

384
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,137
All those violent video games.

385
00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:37,097
- Yeah.
- Thank you.

386
00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,016
- Now honk your horn.
- What?

387
00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:40,809
Honk it.

388
00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:48,150
It's your sister, with my gun. Hello.

389
00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:53,864
Bummer.

390
00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:57,284
Now step away from the vehicle.

391
00:33:59,787 --> 00:34:02,164
You get to ride shotgun.

392
00:34:09,338 --> 00:34:11,214
I kind of like this girl.

393
00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,634
She's not your typical hot,
stuck-up bitch.

394
00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:19,765
Even before Zombieland, Wichita was
running the table on guys like us.

395
00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:37,657
- What are you looking for?
- My engagement ring.

396
00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:42,412
I took it off to pump my gas,
and I thought that I put it in my purse...

397
00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:45,749
...but it must've fallen out,
and I'm late for my flight and...

398
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:50,003
Well, listen, I'll find your ring,
and I'll FedEx it to you.

399
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,005
I'll give you a reward.

400
00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,381
Don't be silly.

401
00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:57,511
Three thousand dollars.
It's worth more than my car.

402
00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:00,055
Just give me your number.

403
00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:03,183
Yeah. I'll find it.

404
00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:05,727
Yeah, I'll start looking for it
right now.

405
00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,188
Because I got nothing else to do.

406
00:35:08,356 --> 00:35:10,273
I was engaged once...

407
00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:12,692
...but I'm single now.

408
00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:16,530
Bye-bye.

409
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:21,701
Hope you make your flight.

410
00:35:27,333 --> 00:35:29,292
No, but I know it's
around here somewhere.

411
00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:31,878
She's on a plane,
that's the beauty of it.

412
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:37,050
Let me call you back.

413
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:39,761
Hey, you found my ring.

414
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,056
Thanks. I've been looking all over
for it.

415
00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,475
- Your ring?
- Well, it's my friend's, you know.

416
00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:48,353
- I'm gonna send it to her.
- Do I get a reward?

417
00:35:48,896 --> 00:35:53,441
Forty, 60, 80, 400.

418
00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:56,570
That's it. That's the whole register.

419
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:00,448
You made someone very happy.

420
00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:03,118
You too.

421
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:12,419
Nice.

422
00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:14,504
How many left?

423
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,465
Let me see.

424
00:36:19,802 --> 00:36:21,761
Enough for us to get to California.

425
00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:24,639
Someday, I want a ring this big.

426
00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:26,933
For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.

427
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:32,314
It's amazing how far you can get
with some costume jewelry...

428
00:36:32,481 --> 00:36:33,940
...and a cutthroat attitude.

429
00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:37,986
I guess we're just lucky they didn't
leave us by the side of the road.

430
00:36:39,822 --> 00:36:41,781
Thank you, Wichita.
Thanks, Little Rock.

431
00:36:47,163 --> 00:36:50,457
For fuck's sake, enough! We're being
chased by ravenous freaks!

432
00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:52,626
We don't have enough problems?

433
00:36:52,793 --> 00:36:55,128
"They stole my Hummer.
We have trust issues."

434
00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:57,380
We can't just fucking drive
down the road...

435
00:36:57,548 --> 00:37:01,176
...playing I Spy or some shit for hours
like four normal-ass Americans?

436
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:02,969
Fuck me!

437
00:37:04,013 --> 00:37:05,138
I know.

438
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:08,725
Let me be the mature one.

439
00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:11,645
Good.

440
00:37:22,990 --> 00:37:25,742
So where are you guys headed?

441
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:28,161
Pacific Playland.

442
00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:29,579
The amusement park?

443
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:33,083
- Wait, outside L.A.?
- Yeah. We went there as kids.

444
00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:35,168
That place totally blows.

445
00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,923
My mind. It's so fun.

446
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,842
Just good entertainment
for the whole family.

447
00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:47,180
Yeah, I went there as a kid too. In fact,
this probably counts as off-season.

448
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:49,849
Well, did you guys hear?
There are no zombies there.

449
00:37:50,017 --> 00:37:51,393
Yeah, we heard.

450
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:56,523
You know, I may not shoot you, but
you have still royally pissed me off...

451
00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,360
...and I'm not going to play with you
at Pacific Playland.

452
00:38:02,196 --> 00:38:04,864
- Don't worry, he grows on you.
- Really?

453
00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:06,574
No. It gets worse.

454
00:38:06,742 --> 00:38:09,202
Okay. How about
we play the quiet game?

455
00:38:09,370 --> 00:38:10,870
Yeah? Starting now.

456
00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,542
Oh, I've actually
been meaning to ask you:

457
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:17,961
Did you hear anything
about Columbus, Ohio?

458
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,422
- You never played the quiet game?
- Sorry.

459
00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:22,757
No? Well, they're playing it
in Columbus.

460
00:38:22,925 --> 00:38:26,052
It's a total ghost town.
It's burned to the ground.

461
00:38:34,812 --> 00:38:35,937
You're Columbus.

462
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:38,898
I'm sorry.

463
00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:41,651
I didn't realize it was...

464
00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:45,739
I'm not sure what's more tragic:
that my family is gone...

465
00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:49,784
...or the realization that I never really
had much of a family to begin with.

466
00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:53,955
Either way, I can't pretend that what
I'm looking for I'll find by going home.

467
00:38:54,123 --> 00:38:56,249
I have no home.

468
00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:02,047
We can get you a ride.

469
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:06,509
You know,
you can go see for yourself...

470
00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:09,095
...or settle somewhere new.

471
00:39:09,764 --> 00:39:11,139
Okay.

472
00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:14,768
I could tell she knew
what I was feeling.

473
00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:18,271
We were all orphans in Zombieland.

474
00:39:31,327 --> 00:39:34,788
I know this Pacific Playland thing
is nuts...

475
00:39:36,832 --> 00:39:40,335
...but it's just been so long
since she got to be a kid.

476
00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:43,338
Yeah, it's tough growing up
in Zombieland.

477
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,882
It's tough growing up.

478
00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:52,680
There.

479
00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:54,682
You could take that truck.

480
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:04,025
Well, I hope you find
whoever it is you're looking for.

481
00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:09,406
And don't let go, once you do.

482
00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:25,338
It wasn't just because
I had nowhere else to go.

483
00:40:25,506 --> 00:40:29,217
It was because, in that moment,
it became clear.

484
00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:33,847
Wherever this girl was,
that's where I wanted to be.

485
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:57,203
Man, we're gonna have to pull
over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.

486
00:40:58,539 --> 00:41:00,540
"Wantum your wampum."
Yeah. That'll work.

487
00:41:00,708 --> 00:41:05,378
- Okay, but what the hell are we doing?
- Just humor him. Trust me.

488
00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:18,308
Hold up.

489
00:41:19,685 --> 00:41:21,561
Who wants to go first?

490
00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:25,106
I really,
really wanna impress Wichita...

491
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:27,442
...but it would be in violation
of rule 17...

492
00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:30,320
...maybe the most important rule
of all: Don't be a hero.

493
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:35,450
- Why don't you take this one?
- Don't mind if I do.

494
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:52,175
What do you think?
Zombie kill of the week?

495
00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:55,595
Close, but no cigar.
Kill of the week...

496
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,264
...goes to
Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.

497
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:04,771
Poor flat bastard.

498
00:42:27,169 --> 00:42:29,128
- Perfume?
- What?

499
00:42:29,296 --> 00:42:31,381
Is that perfume?

500
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:33,800
It's cologne.

501
00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:36,135
I'm thinking...

502
00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:37,512
...Lancôme Magnifique.

503
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,472
Why don't you speak up a little?

504
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:42,141
I think they might have
missed it in Santa Fe.

505
00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,814
- Oh, my God.
- All right. Okay.

506
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,359
You're thinking about
fucking Wichita.

507
00:42:52,486 --> 00:42:56,072
Wish granted. She spent
the last 24 hours fucking us both.

508
00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:58,700
Hey.

509
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:01,911
Good luck now, Petunia.

510
00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:10,503
Okay.

511
00:43:10,671 --> 00:43:14,424
Let me begin by saying you're a
wonderful human with great potential.

512
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:20,013
It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale
ass for a lot less than that.

513
00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:25,518
- I'm sure.
- You get 45 percent power.

514
00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:27,020
Thank you.

515
00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:31,399
Yeah. Come on, break another one.

516
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,322
Nice.

517
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:41,367
Doesn't that feel good?

518
00:44:31,085 --> 00:44:34,128
Tallahassee's right.
You gotta enjoy the little things...

519
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:38,591
...even if that means destroying
a whole lot of little things.

520
00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,097
Smells like perfume.

521
00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:49,936
- You don't know who Willie Nelson is?
- No.

522
00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,355
Willie Nelson?

523
00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:54,440
Yeah, no, I don't.

524
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:59,153
I shave every morning, but sometimes
by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing.

525
00:44:59,321 --> 00:45:02,323
It's called 5:00 shadow,
but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.

526
00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:06,452
Since it's a freeway, you can get it up
to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75.

527
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:10,373
- You don't wanna go more than 20.
- Don't worry about a blind spot.

528
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,542
Blind spots are for other drivers.

529
00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:15,378
It's like the first time
that I've ever driven.

530
00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:19,716
So do you never strap in
or it's just on long road trips?

531
00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:24,470
It's just there's zombies everywhere.
I think the least of my worries...

532
00:45:24,638 --> 00:45:26,681
- Yeah, that's true.
...is seat belts.

533
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,015
Yes, but, no, she's not.

534
00:45:28,183 --> 00:45:31,644
She's only famous when she's Hannah
Montana, when she's wearing the wig.

535
00:45:31,812 --> 00:45:34,188
- Right. Only wig.
- So...

536
00:45:38,152 --> 00:45:40,236
It's kind of freeing.

537
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,321
Yeah.

538
00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:48,244
For the first time in a long time,
we were having fun.

539
00:45:48,454 --> 00:45:50,830
So even though it ran counter
to our strategies...

540
00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,833
...we decided to stay together
as far as Pacific Playland.

541
00:46:22,863 --> 00:46:26,199
I think sleep deprivation is the
number one health problem in America.

542
00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:28,618
Well, now I think it might be
number two.

543
00:46:29,244 --> 00:46:32,288
- Number two.
- That's adorable.

544
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:35,708
- I think we should find a place to crash.
- Oh, I got an idea.

545
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:39,545
We're in Hollywood,
let's sleep in style.

546
00:46:44,510 --> 00:46:46,260
Grab a map.

547
00:46:52,267 --> 00:46:53,810
Come on.

548
00:46:54,019 --> 00:46:55,812
Hurry! Hurry!

549
00:46:56,021 --> 00:46:58,064
Good job.

550
00:47:03,654 --> 00:47:06,823
Looks like anyone who's ever been
in a movie lives on this block.

551
00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:10,451
What exactly you think we're doing
in the 90210, Sally?

552
00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,120
I pictured Tom Cruise
living somewhere nicer.

553
00:47:13,288 --> 00:47:17,333
B-lister compared
to who I got in mind, folks.

554
00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:20,586
We're going to the tippy-top
of the A-list.

555
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:22,588
- Who?
- You'll see.

556
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,596
Hey. There's a big BM.

557
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:33,808
And it ain't Bob Marley.

558
00:47:40,607 --> 00:47:43,067
This place is incredible.

559
00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:59,375
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to la mançion de Murray.

560
00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:02,295
- Bill Murray.
- God, no way.

561
00:48:02,462 --> 00:48:05,965
This guy has a direct line
to my funny bone.

562
00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:08,009
- Everything...
- Wait. Who's Bill Murray?

563
00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:09,886
Hey, I've never hit a kid before.

564
00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:13,973
All right? I mean,
that's like asking who Gandhi is.

565
00:48:14,683 --> 00:48:16,392
Who's Gandhi?

566
00:48:16,602 --> 00:48:18,811
She's 12.

567
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:23,900
- No Twinkies.
- Shit, fuck!

568
00:48:24,109 --> 00:48:26,569
See? I told you we should've gone
to Russell Crowe's.

569
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:29,363
- No one listens to me.
- Hello, inside voices. Okay?

570
00:48:29,531 --> 00:48:31,198
At least until we know we're alone.

571
00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:34,327
Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way.
Little Rock, come here.

572
00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:36,871
Why do I get stuck with her?

573
00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:42,668
It doesn't seem to end.

574
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:49,759
Hey, come here.

575
00:48:51,219 --> 00:48:53,930
He has his own movie theater?

576
00:48:57,559 --> 00:49:00,186
Okay, I'm gonna teach you
something about Bill Murray.

577
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,732
A king slept right here.

578
00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:08,069
Dibs on the bed.

579
00:49:10,572 --> 00:49:13,282
Too soft for me, anyway.

580
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:23,250
Oh, this is so exciting. You're about
to learn who you gonna call.

581
00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,711
It's Ghostbusters.

582
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,815
This is pretty catchy.

583
00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:48,234
Come on.

584
00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,736
Help me with the boots. Come on.

585
00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:52,405
Help me with the boots.

586
00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:56,409
Okay. I'll get them myself.

587
00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:18,014
Shit.

588
00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:24,979
Bill Murray, you're a zombie?

589
00:50:31,111 --> 00:50:33,446
I'm on fire!

590
00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:35,865
You're not a zombie,
you're talking, and...

591
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:38,868
- You're okay?
- The hell I am!

592
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:42,705
I'm sorry. I didn't know
that it was "you" you.

593
00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:44,874
Are you...? What's with the get-up?

594
00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:47,793
Oh, I do it to blend in. You know.

595
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:50,004
Zombies don't mess
with other zombies.

596
00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:52,298
Buddy of mine
showed me how to do this.

597
00:50:52,466 --> 00:50:55,801
Cornstarch. You know, some berries,
a little licorice for the ladies.

598
00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:59,555
Suits my lifestyle, you know.
I like to get out and do stuff.

599
00:50:59,765 --> 00:51:03,726
Just played nine holes on the Riviera.
Just walked on. Nobody there.

600
00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:08,147
Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray!

601
00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:10,524
I had to get that out.
I don't mean to gush.

602
00:51:10,692 --> 00:51:14,737
This is so surreal. I mean,
you probably get this all the time.

603
00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:17,656
Maybe not lately,
but I'm such a huge fan of yours.

604
00:51:17,824 --> 00:51:19,158
I mean, I swear, you know...

605
00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:22,495
...l've seen every one of your movies
a million times.

606
00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:27,500
I even love your dramatic roles
and just everything.

607
00:51:27,667 --> 00:51:31,504
Six people left in the world,
one of them is Bill fucking Murray!

608
00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:35,341
I know that's not your middle name.
I been watching you since I was like...

609
00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:39,011
Since I could masturbate.
I mean, not that they're connected.

610
00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:42,431
"A former greenskeeper about
to become the Masters champion."

611
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,188
Well, that's why we do it.

612
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:52,358
I love you, Bill. I love you.

613
00:51:52,609 --> 00:51:54,026
I thank you.

614
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,569
Thank you.

615
00:51:56,029 --> 00:51:58,364
You are staring at me.
It's a hairpiece.

616
00:51:58,532 --> 00:52:02,034
I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look
remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.

617
00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:03,536
I just saw Eddie Van Halen.

618
00:52:04,204 --> 00:52:05,704
- Really?
- Yeah.

619
00:52:05,872 --> 00:52:08,082
- Where? How was that?
- At the Hollywood Bowl.

620
00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:09,583
He's a zombie.

621
00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:11,752
That's a tough break.

622
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,588
So how about
a little West Coast hospitality?

623
00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:17,550
Can I get you something?
What would you like?

624
00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:31,147
Smooth, isn't it?

625
00:52:31,356 --> 00:52:34,733
Oh, hurry.
Hurry, he's on the ceiling.

626
00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:38,279
- Come get him. Avoid the chandelier.
- Light him up, Ray.

627
00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:42,575
- See you on the other side, Pete.
- Oh, he's so disgusting.

628
00:52:42,742 --> 00:52:45,619
- Looks like Slimer.
- Don't cross the streams!

629
00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:47,830
- I don't wanna cross...
- Oh, no, he's awful.

630
00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:50,457
Don't cross the streams!

631
00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:56,422
Thirty-five feet long,
weighing approximately 600 pounds.

632
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:57,756
That's a big Twinkie.

633
00:52:58,425 --> 00:53:00,259
Your sister is single, right?

634
00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:02,928
There's nothing long distance
or anything?

635
00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:04,889
- No.
- Oh, good, good.

636
00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:08,934
And if she had, like, a type,
you know...

637
00:53:09,102 --> 00:53:12,146
...if you can have a type,
what would that be, you think?

638
00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:14,607
She kind of goes for, like, bad boys.

639
00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:16,025
- Really?
- Yeah.

640
00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:17,776
That's cool.

641
00:53:17,944 --> 00:53:19,528
What?

642
00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:26,160
- So Columbus is the scared one?
- Yeah. He's like a little bunny.

643
00:53:26,953 --> 00:53:28,704
I'll get him.

644
00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:32,917
Watch this.

645
00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:42,801
No.

646
00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:45,012
No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

647
00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:47,014
I got him.

648
00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:54,480
Is that how you say hello
where you come from?

649
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:56,482
Oh, my God.

650
00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:59,568
Oh, my God,
I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

651
00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:05,449
- Mr. Murray?
- I'm just Bill, I think, now.

652
00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:08,327
- Bill?
- Yeah?

653
00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:11,705
I don't think we're gonna be able
to stitch this.

654
00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,501
That's still tender.

655
00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,461
You think you might pull through?

656
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,174
No.

657
00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:25,386
If it means anything now,
I am so sorry.

658
00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:27,513
It was just instinctive.

659
00:54:27,681 --> 00:54:29,390
It was my bad.

660
00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:32,851
I was never a very good
practical joker.

661
00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:35,521
So do you have any regrets?

662
00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:40,526
Garfield, maybe.

663
00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:08,012
I'm sorry, he just gets me.

664
00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,390
- But it still is sad.
- Yeah.

665
00:55:14,394 --> 00:55:17,062
- Okay.
- Oh, shit.

666
00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,065
Okay. Okay.

667
00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:23,569
Okay. Shit. Okay.

668
00:55:32,078 --> 00:55:37,624
Sorry. One second.
It's a double-barrel. Sorry.

669
00:55:37,792 --> 00:55:39,335
Okay.

670
00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:48,260
Three, two, one.

671
00:55:49,346 --> 00:55:50,971
- You guys want some Purell?
- Yes.

672
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:52,264
- Please.
- Yeah.

673
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:53,640
Around the world.

674
00:55:57,812 --> 00:55:59,313
Yes.

675
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,816
- Oh, free parking.
- Yeah.

676
00:56:02,984 --> 00:56:05,444
Which is the best thing
about Zombieland.

677
00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,489
No, best thing about Z-land,
no Facebook status updates.

678
00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:11,533
You know, "Rob Curtis
is gearing up for Friday."

679
00:56:11,701 --> 00:56:15,829
- Who cares?
- The best thing is no more flushing.

680
00:56:15,997 --> 00:56:19,375
- Epic.
- And the worst thing about Z-land?

681
00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:22,127
You mean, other than the fact
that I shot Bill Murray?

682
00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,463
That's easy. Losing Buck.

683
00:56:25,465 --> 00:56:27,299
That's his puppy.

684
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:31,720
I'm gonna tell you, I never thought
I could love anything like Buck.

685
00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:35,974
He was just... The day he was born,
I just lost my mind.

686
00:56:38,144 --> 00:56:39,144
Sorry.

687
00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,315
We were two peas.

688
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:49,488
He had my personality, my laugh,
my appetite.

689
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:50,823
Laugh?

690
00:56:50,990 --> 00:56:54,660
That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed
that it had taken me this long...

691
00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:56,829
Me, with the best cardio
in the business.

692
00:56:56,996 --> 00:56:59,748
- to realize I wasn't the only one
running from something.

693
00:57:06,214 --> 00:57:10,384
Oh, there it is. There you go.

694
00:57:10,552 --> 00:57:14,138
Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.

695
00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:17,057
Okay.

696
00:57:24,023 --> 00:57:27,192
We made this wallet together
out of duct tape.

697
00:57:33,032 --> 00:57:34,283
Take away a man's son...

698
00:57:34,784 --> 00:57:37,244
...you've truly given him
nothing left to lose.

699
00:57:47,797 --> 00:57:51,550
I haven't cried like that since Titanic.

700
00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:11,403
Hi.

701
00:58:32,425 --> 00:58:33,634
A hint.

702
00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:41,725
Why don't you exhale slowly,
squeeze the trigger?

703
00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:16,677
Don't make me drink alone.

704
00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:18,637
Okay.

705
00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:29,481
It's a 1997 Georges?

706
00:59:29,649 --> 00:59:33,694
I never took French.
Georges de Latour? I don't know.

707
00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:37,155
- Oh, it's a '97?
- Yeah.

708
00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:39,658
- Was that a good year?
- Oh, my God.

709
00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:41,368
It was great.
Are you kidding me?

710
00:59:41,536 --> 00:59:45,205
I saw my first R-rated movie
that year.

711
00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:48,542
- Yeah, Anaconda.
- Anaconda.

712
00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:52,421
First tattoo, porpoise.

713
00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,673
- Really?
- Fake.

714
00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:57,009
First kiss.

715
00:59:57,802 --> 00:59:59,011
Scotty Lynch.

716
00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,306
You guys used tongue?

717
01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,019
Maybe.

718
01:00:07,854 --> 01:00:09,438
You jealous of Scotty Lynch?

719
01:00:11,357 --> 01:00:13,525
Yes, I am.

720
01:00:13,693 --> 01:00:18,196
Actually, I think I'm jealous
of your whole 1997.

721
01:00:18,364 --> 01:00:20,198
Let's see.

722
01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:24,536
Mine, first orthodontist.

723
01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:27,789
The bastard gave me headgear.
Yeah. I got my first B.

724
01:00:27,957 --> 01:00:29,875
Oh, no.

725
01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:32,586
Frightening as Anaconda.

726
01:00:33,379 --> 01:00:36,757
In wood shop, which doesn't really
count as a class anyway.

727
01:00:36,924 --> 01:00:38,550
No.

728
01:00:39,552 --> 01:00:42,054
Had my first school dance.
Oh, thank you.

729
01:00:42,221 --> 01:00:46,350
It was a Sadie Hawkins,
so girls' choice, you know.

730
01:00:49,562 --> 01:00:53,231
- What, and nobody picked you?
- It was girls' choice.

731
01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:55,817
- Those bitches.
- I know.

732
01:00:55,985 --> 01:00:58,904
No, I will not stand for this.
No. You know what?

733
01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:05,410
On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls,
I would like to make it up to you.

734
01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:09,289
Relax.

735
01:01:09,457 --> 01:01:11,792
Scotty's old news.

736
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:51,623
I don't even know your name,
but this is actually really nice.

737
01:01:51,791 --> 01:01:56,211
You know, between you, me
and What About Bob?

738
01:01:57,797 --> 01:01:59,548
...you're actually kind of cute.

739
01:01:59,716 --> 01:02:00,799
You think so?

740
01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:03,343
Yeah.

741
01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:06,805
I mean, you got the guts of a guppy...

742
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,808
...but I could hit that.

743
01:02:13,312 --> 01:02:15,230
Really?

744
01:02:15,732 --> 01:02:19,234
Or at least give you
the intentional walk to first.

745
01:02:29,579 --> 01:02:32,456
Hey, a little help moving the couch?

746
01:02:33,082 --> 01:02:35,000
We're making a fort.

747
01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:42,090
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's probably for the best.

748
01:02:42,258 --> 01:02:44,092
- Right.
- Because...

749
01:02:46,012 --> 01:02:47,679
...I like you...

750
01:02:47,847 --> 01:02:50,432
...Columbus, but my sister and I...

751
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,894
...are gonna do
whatever it takes to survive, so...

752
01:03:05,072 --> 01:03:07,783
I was hoping
Wichita was just playing hard to get...

753
01:03:07,992 --> 01:03:10,452
...but I realized she had
more trust issues than I...

754
01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:14,372
...when I woke up the next day
and she was leaving.

755
01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:20,253
You are like a giant
cock-blocking robot...

756
01:03:20,421 --> 01:03:23,590
...like, developed in a secret
fucking government lab.

757
01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:25,550
Hey.

758
01:03:25,718 --> 01:03:28,386
I can't believe I almost kissed him.
What's our rule?

759
01:03:28,554 --> 01:03:31,306
- Trust no one, just you and me.
- Just you and me.

760
01:03:32,058 --> 01:03:34,309
Yeah. You and me.

761
01:03:47,907 --> 01:03:50,283
You have just survived
the zombie apocalypse...

762
01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:52,452
...and drove halfway across
the country.

763
01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,120
Where are you gonna go?

764
01:03:54,288 --> 01:03:57,457
I'm going to Pacific Playland.

765
01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:18,687
Open sesame.

766
01:04:28,197 --> 01:04:31,157
This is the problem
with getting attached to someone.

767
01:04:31,325 --> 01:04:33,952
When they leave you,
you just feel lost.

768
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:36,288
Having Tallahassee around
didn't comfort me...

769
01:04:36,455 --> 01:04:38,123
...it just made me feel more alone.

770
01:04:38,291 --> 01:04:42,002
Hey. You weren't exactly
gonna score, anyway.

771
01:04:42,169 --> 01:04:45,589
You know, you weren't storming
the trenches before I came along.

772
01:04:47,592 --> 01:04:50,802
That's why I don't let people close.
You only get burned.

773
01:04:50,970 --> 01:04:52,012
You don't say.

774
01:04:54,140 --> 01:04:55,640
Mexico.

775
01:04:55,808 --> 01:04:59,394
You know what they call Twinkies
in Mexico?

776
01:05:00,021 --> 01:05:04,232
- That's where I'm headed, amigo.
- Whatever.

777
01:05:59,372 --> 01:06:00,789
- Oh, my God.
- I know.

778
01:06:00,957 --> 01:06:02,791
- This is really fun. Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

779
01:06:27,900 --> 01:06:29,693
Oh, no.

780
01:06:32,905 --> 01:06:34,406
I'm going after Wichita.

781
01:06:34,573 --> 01:06:38,118
Look, you ever read that book
She's Just Not That Into You?

782
01:06:38,285 --> 01:06:40,245
You can't make yourself
too available.

783
01:06:40,413 --> 01:06:43,081
I don't care, all right?
I wanna be with her.

784
01:06:43,457 --> 01:06:45,709
Have fun in Mexico.

785
01:06:50,756 --> 01:06:52,424
Come on. Hurry.

786
01:06:56,637 --> 01:06:57,846
Get in.

787
01:07:06,939 --> 01:07:08,940
Come on, go.

788
01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:11,776
Go, go.

789
01:07:24,790 --> 01:07:28,752
On the count of three.
One, two, three.

790
01:07:43,476 --> 01:07:46,186
You okay? Come on.
Hurry, get up.

791
01:07:46,353 --> 01:07:47,562
- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.

792
01:07:53,486 --> 01:07:55,278
There.

793
01:08:14,340 --> 01:08:18,218
I'm not great at farewells, so...

794
01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:21,054
...that'll do, pig.

795
01:08:22,014 --> 01:08:24,057
That's the worst goodbye
I've ever heard...

796
01:08:24,225 --> 01:08:26,351
...and you stole it from a movie.

797
01:08:29,522 --> 01:08:31,689
Tell the ladies I said hey.

798
01:08:31,857 --> 01:08:34,442
You know, their pictures
were in someone's wallet too.

799
01:09:00,052 --> 01:09:01,886
Hop in the car, Evel Knievel.

800
01:09:02,346 --> 01:09:06,224
- Let's go ride the roller coaster.
- Thanks.

801
01:09:16,235 --> 01:09:17,902
Go!

802
01:10:17,838 --> 01:10:19,339
Not as fun as I remember.

803
01:10:25,179 --> 01:10:27,430
Shoot the control box.

804
01:10:59,880 --> 01:11:01,172
- Columbus?
- Tallahassee?

805
01:11:01,340 --> 01:11:05,927
I think they might actually
require our assistance this time.

806
01:11:06,095 --> 01:11:09,847
- Buckle up.
- Yeah. I'm way ahead of you.

807
01:11:11,558 --> 01:11:14,060
Time to nut up or shut up.

808
01:11:18,482 --> 01:11:20,024
Holy shit.

809
01:11:42,047 --> 01:11:46,426
My mama always told me
someday I'd be good at something.

810
01:11:46,593 --> 01:11:49,053
Who'd have guessed
that would be zombie killing?

811
01:11:49,221 --> 01:11:50,221
Probably nobody.

812
01:11:51,765 --> 01:11:53,391
Look.

813
01:11:56,145 --> 01:11:58,813
We better start working
on our apology.

814
01:12:13,245 --> 01:12:15,913
Oh, no. No.

815
01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:24,255
- Hey!
- Hey!

816
01:12:24,423 --> 01:12:25,757
- Hey! Ohio!
- Over here!

817
01:12:25,924 --> 01:12:27,925
- Hey! Help!
- Help!

818
01:12:28,093 --> 01:12:30,595
- Oh, my God.
- Help!

819
01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:32,180
Hey!

820
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:34,265
Help!

821
01:12:34,433 --> 01:12:37,602
- Hey, they're up there. They're okay.
- What are you waiting for?

822
01:12:37,770 --> 01:12:38,811
That's your gal.

823
01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,065
- Over here!
- Help!

824
01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:48,279
Come on!
Come get a piece of Tallahassee!

825
01:12:48,447 --> 01:12:50,448
Anybody hungry?

826
01:12:50,616 --> 01:12:55,286
Tallahassee's nice this time of year!
Come on!

827
01:12:55,454 --> 01:12:57,997
Come on, you ugly bastards!

828
01:13:15,891 --> 01:13:20,978
Holy shit.

829
01:13:21,146 --> 01:13:22,855
Hey!

830
01:13:48,382 --> 01:13:49,507
Motherfucker!

831
01:14:21,206 --> 01:14:23,458
Shit. I'm out of shells.

832
01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:28,379
Bingo.

833
01:14:36,889 --> 01:14:38,264
Yeah!

834
01:14:39,183 --> 01:14:40,433
Oh, yeah.

835
01:14:50,402 --> 01:14:52,111
Here we go.

836
01:17:23,847 --> 01:17:25,389
Oh, shit.

837
01:17:26,642 --> 01:17:29,435
- Wichita! Little Rock!
- Hurry!

838
01:17:32,564 --> 01:17:34,649
Oh, my God.

839
01:17:34,858 --> 01:17:36,942
Look at this fucking clown.

840
01:17:40,155 --> 01:17:42,948
Of course. It had to be a clown.

841
01:17:43,116 --> 01:17:45,076
Fuck.

842
01:17:46,411 --> 01:17:49,914
No, it had to be a clown,
and it had to be Wichita...

843
01:17:50,082 --> 01:17:51,916
...for me to finally understand...

844
01:17:53,418 --> 01:17:55,336
...that some rules
are made to be broken.

845
01:17:59,174 --> 01:18:00,591
Time to nut up or shut up.

846
01:18:05,097 --> 01:18:07,014
Fuck this clown.

847
01:18:51,143 --> 01:18:52,727
- Thanks.
- Hey.

848
01:18:52,936 --> 01:18:56,147
Get your gun. Here you go. Hi.

849
01:18:56,648 --> 01:18:57,857
Okay.

850
01:19:06,825 --> 01:19:09,034
Krista.

851
01:19:42,360 --> 01:19:46,113
Okay. We should probably
head out now.

852
01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:52,912
Finally got to first base.

853
01:19:53,079 --> 01:19:56,373
Not bad for that scrawny
little spit-fuck.

854
01:20:03,799 --> 01:20:05,758
Where's Florida?

855
01:20:09,429 --> 01:20:11,055
I have a little hunch.

856
01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:16,560
Where are you, you spongy,
yellow, delicious bastards?

857
01:20:16,728 --> 01:20:18,229
- Where are you?
- Yo.

858
01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:25,236
False advertising.

859
01:20:28,824 --> 01:20:30,241
Jesus Christ.

860
01:20:31,910 --> 01:20:33,744
You want a Sno Ball or something?

861
01:21:00,647 --> 01:21:02,940
Oh, God.

862
01:21:08,947 --> 01:21:11,949
Words cannot express.

863
01:21:12,576 --> 01:21:13,617
It's too soon.

864
01:21:13,785 --> 01:21:17,788
Do you think you could maybe just pick
out the buckshot and eat around it?

865
01:21:17,956 --> 01:21:20,499
Okay, yeah.

866
01:21:21,376 --> 01:21:23,294
No!

867
01:21:23,461 --> 01:21:25,880
- No!
- No!

868
01:21:28,633 --> 01:21:29,842
That face?

869
01:21:30,010 --> 01:21:33,345
That's me realizing that those smart
girls in that big black truck...

870
01:21:34,806 --> 01:21:37,474
...and that big guy
in that snakeskin jacket...

871
01:21:37,851 --> 01:21:40,394
...they were the closest to
something I'd always wanted...

872
01:21:40,562 --> 01:21:41,854
...but never really had.

873
01:21:42,480 --> 01:21:43,981
A family.

874
01:21:44,149 --> 01:21:46,859
I trusted them and they trusted me.

875
01:21:50,530 --> 01:21:52,865
Rule number 32:
Enjoy the little things.

876
01:21:54,242 --> 01:21:56,076
Tallahassee got his Twinkie.

877
01:21:56,244 --> 01:22:00,414
And even though life would never
be simple or innocent again...

878
01:22:00,624 --> 01:22:03,751
...as he savored that spongy,
yellow log of cream...

879
01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:06,629
...we had hope. We had each other.

880
01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:12,551
And without other people, well,
you might as well be a zombie.

881
01:22:12,761 --> 01:22:14,553
- Thank you so much.
- You had us going.

882
01:22:14,721 --> 01:22:16,555
Yeah.

883
01:22:18,558 --> 01:22:20,184
That was very funny.

884
01:22:20,352 --> 01:22:21,852
So until next time, remember:

885
01:22:22,020 --> 01:22:25,022
Cardio, seat belts, and this
has nothing to do with anything...

886
01:22:25,190 --> 01:22:27,858
...but a little sunscreen
never hurt anybody.

887
01:22:29,527 --> 01:22:34,365
I'm Columbus, Ohio, from
Zombieland, saying good night.