Incompetent Villain Anon Shorts

>Be Anon
>Things were definitely looking up for you today
>You even managed not burn the pancakes you made for breakfast
>All in all not a bad day
>So now you were doing what any normal "reformed" villain living in a world of tiny horses would do
>Performing acts of a villainous nature
"So if you take a left at the bakery and keep on the road for a mile or so you'll see the post office"
>The two out of town ponies thanked you and trotted off
>Sitting back on the park bench you smiled
>Deep down you knew that the road you just directed them down didn't lead to the post office
>In fact they would find themselves near the Apples orchards
>They'd be lost and wasting two or if you were lucky three hours of their time
>You were one evil son of a bitch who would never rest until all that was good got wrapped up in a nice little box and dropped into an active volcano

Several hours later...
>"And if Anon never gave us directions we would have never found the poor little one."
>Your left eye twitched as you stared at the gaggle of ponies
>The two mares were giving you big happy smiles as the little filly was reunited with her family
>How did this happen?
>They were supposed to be lost!
>Engulfed in feelings of utter despair
>Not... this
"Dammit"

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>Day enact evil upon the ponies of Equestria
>You've spent weeks building the portal machine
>The goal was simple, open a gateway to some eldritch dimension and flood the world with horrible monsters
>Laughing maniacally you continued to setup the machine in the center of town
>Ponies waved to you and smiled as they went about their pony lives
>They had no idea of the fate that lay in store for them
>Once you were done you stood atop your machine of doom
"Behold Ponies, this is the machine that will change your lives forever!"
>Laughing maniacally you pressed the button on the remote which activated the machine
>As the various components roared to life on the machine you watched with glee as the portal opened

>"You really came through for us Anon"
>Sitting in your lap was Twilight who happily munched on some popcorn
"Fucking backwards ass physics"
>Your portal did indeed work
>But instead of releasing untold terrors on the populace it opened a gateway into a dimension entirely filled with the best popcorn that could be conceived
>To top it off Twilight and her friends were having a movie night and were in some desperate straights for snacks
>A problem, that as twilight said, you helped with quite admirably
>"See sugarcube I told you a good stallion will always come through when it comes to cooking"
>Apple horse's words only served to rub salt in your wounded pride
"Fuck"

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>Day Team Rocket
>Well, you may be a team of one but you had a god damn rocket
>And that big explody son'a'bitch was pointed right at Celestia's castle
>Soon that castle would be nothing but bits and pieces of rubble
>Rubbing your hands together you smiled as the countdown timer winded down towards zero
>Why did you have a timer? why not simply hit a button and launch this big phallus of death and destruction?
>It was the principle of being evil, that and the guidebook you read all those years ago laid out the rules pretty plainly
>As the big display read zero the rocket shot off towards the castle
>Yes
>It zoomed through the sky over the tops off houses
>YES!!!
>With a blinding flash you felt the air from the explosion knock you off your feet
"YESSSS!!"

>"And if Anonymous hadn't created a rocket strong enough all us would have suffocated within the next few minutes."
>This was some grade "A" bullshit
>Looking over towards the biggest pony as she addressed her subjects your scowl only deepened.
>It turned out the rocket you had launched didn't hit the castle
>Instead it hit a bubble made of magic that had trapped all those inside it
>The two princesses, the servants, and all the others whom were in the vicinity
>And they were moments away from being without oxygen
>"It is my honor to present Anonymous with this medal for bravery and a gift card to the Ponyville Spa"
>You're pretty sure that blue princess also pinched your butt while you walked past to accept your award
"Balls"