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HeliAnon

Incompetent Villain Anon Shorts

Nov 6th, 2020
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  1. >Be Anon
  2. >Things were definitely looking up for you today
  3. >You even managed not burn the pancakes you made for breakfast
  4. >All in all not a bad day
  5. >So now you were doing what any normal "reformed" villain living in a world of tiny horses would do
  6. >Performing acts of a villainous nature
  7. "So if you take a left at the bakery and keep on the road for a mile or so you'll see the post office"
  8. >The two out of town ponies thanked you and trotted off
  9. >Sitting back on the park bench you smiled
  10. >Deep down you knew that the road you just directed them down didn't lead to the post office
  11. >In fact they would find themselves near the Apples orchards
  12. >They'd be lost and wasting two or if you were lucky three hours of their time
  13. >You were one evil son of a bitch who would never rest until all that was good got wrapped up in a nice little box and dropped into an active volcano
  14.  
  15. Several hours later...
  16. >"And if Anon never gave us directions we would have never found the poor little one."
  17. >Your left eye twitched as you stared at the gaggle of ponies
  18. >The two mares were giving you big happy smiles as the little filly was reunited with her family
  19. >How did this happen?
  20. >They were supposed to be lost!
  21. >Engulfed in feelings of utter despair
  22. >Not... this
  23. "Dammit"
  24.  
  25. --------
  26.  
  27. >Day enact evil upon the ponies of Equestria
  28. >You've spent weeks building the portal machine
  29. >The goal was simple, open a gateway to some eldritch dimension and flood the world with horrible monsters
  30. >Laughing maniacally you continued to setup the machine in the center of town
  31. >Ponies waved to you and smiled as they went about their pony lives
  32. >They had no idea of the fate that lay in store for them
  33. >Once you were done you stood atop your machine of doom
  34. "Behold Ponies, this is the machine that will change your lives forever!"
  35. >Laughing maniacally you pressed the button on the remote which activated the machine
  36. >As the various components roared to life on the machine you watched with glee as the portal opened
  37.  
  38. >"You really came through for us Anon"
  39. >Sitting in your lap was Twilight who happily munched on some popcorn
  40. "Fucking backwards ass physics"
  41. >Your portal did indeed work
  42. >But instead of releasing untold terrors on the populace it opened a gateway into a dimension entirely filled with the best popcorn that could be conceived
  43. >To top it off Twilight and her friends were having a movie night and were in some desperate straights for snacks
  44. >A problem, that as twilight said, you helped with quite admirably
  45. >"See sugarcube I told you a good stallion will always come through when it comes to cooking"
  46. >Apple horse's words only served to rub salt in your wounded pride
  47. "Fuck"
  48.  
  49. -------
  50.  
  51. >Day Team Rocket
  52. >Well, you may be a team of one but you had a god damn rocket
  53. >And that big explody son'a'bitch was pointed right at Celestia's castle
  54. >Soon that castle would be nothing but bits and pieces of rubble
  55. >Rubbing your hands together you smiled as the countdown timer winded down towards zero
  56. >Why did you have a timer? why not simply hit a button and launch this big phallus of death and destruction?
  57. >It was the principle of being evil, that and the guidebook you read all those years ago laid out the rules pretty plainly
  58. >As the big display read zero the rocket shot off towards the castle
  59. >Yes
  60. >It zoomed through the sky over the tops off houses
  61. >YES!!!
  62. >With a blinding flash you felt the air from the explosion knock you off your feet
  63. "YESSSS!!"
  64.  
  65. >"And if Anonymous hadn't created a rocket strong enough all us would have suffocated within the next few minutes."
  66. >This was some grade "A" bullshit
  67. >Looking over towards the biggest pony as she addressed her subjects your scowl only deepened.
  68. >It turned out the rocket you had launched didn't hit the castle
  69. >Instead it hit a bubble made of magic that had trapped all those inside it
  70. >The two princesses, the servants, and all the others whom were in the vicinity
  71. >And they were moments away from being without oxygen
  72. >"It is my honor to present Anonymous with this medal for bravery and a gift card to the Ponyville Spa"
  73. >You're pretty sure that blue princess also pinched your butt while you walked past to accept your award
  74. "Balls"
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