The Princess Filly, Chapter IV

>the picture that now adorns your butt is a simple black question mark
>you sure as shit couldn't figure out what it means
>but Rockhoof had an idea when he saw it
^"To be sure, it could be an earth magic cutie mark."
>apparently cutie marks in earth magic tend to be simple shapes and symbols
>symbols one could mark in the dirt with a stick
>like Rockhoof's cutie mark, which is a simple trio of black triangles
>but why a question mark?
>Starswirl thinks that the Aether may have been partially confused by your alien soul
>Rockhoof argues that that's impossible though
>he thinks that the question mark must have had some significance in your native culture
>but that would be kind of depressing
>the only culture you were ever a part of that valued the question mark was imageboard culture
>regardless, you have been feeling sort of stronger since you got it
>so you would at least agree that it's an earth magic cutie mark
>as for Blueblood?
"I want that fucker's head on a plate."
<"You're well within your rights to have it, Anonymous, but do you really think it's the wisest choice?"
"Well, I mean, it probably wouldn't look good if I started off my reign by offing my only rival to the throne."
<"True."
"And… when Twilight gets back she'll probably bitch at me about something something reforming the bad guys…"
<"She most certainly would."
>you had Blueblood locked up in a dungeon somewhere
>when Twilight gets back she can "reform" him or whatever herself
>anyway, it's now day 7 since the coronation
>and now that all the asassination craziness is over
>Spike is finally on his way over
>you've cleared out your schedule for the morning to meet him at the train station
>it's the first time you've left the palace grounds since Starswirl teleported you there two weeks ago
>and man, it sure feels good to be out in the open for once
>now if only you could have ditched the regiment of guards and the anal-retentive wizard
>at long last, Ponyville's Friendship Express screeches to a stop in the station
>ponies point you out and whisper as they trot out of the train
>now this should be the one Spike came on
>but where could he-
~"Anon!"
>you look up just in time to see a purple kamikaze streaking down upon you
>oh no no no no
>you and Spike now make up a crumpled pile on the ground
>Spike is laughing uproariously
>actually, so are all your guards
"Holy fucking shit I keep forgetting you have wings now."
~"Well I'm not the only one who's growing up. What gives, you weren't gonna write home and tell everyone you got your cutie mark?"
"Hey, I just got it yester- Hey! You looking at my butt, faget?"
~"Wh- no! I just-"
"Get the fuck off of me, let's hug properly."
>the two of you get untangled and Spike wraps his claws around your neck
>he holds on just long enough for it to get awkward
>when he finally does let go, he looks pretty cheerful
"Starlight told me you were pretty down about Twilight. You feeling any better, bro?"
~"Eh, not really. But it's good to be back in Canterlot."
"Hey. We're gonna find her."
~"Yeah, I believe you, it's just… I think I need to be busy again. Where are those mountains of paperwork you wrote to me about?"
>now that
>is what you like to hear

>it's been a week since the last time you almost died
>now that you're apparently the first earth mage to show up in 800 years, Rockhoof has some more advanced training for you
"Say, why is it 800 years?"
>you're standing on one forehoof in front of your garden
^"Meditation implies silence, lass."
"Yeah, yeah, right, okay. Silence."
>but this is so fucking boring
>and your leg is starting to hurt
"But really, it seems like things that happened a long time ago always happened a thousand years ago. Why did earth magic die out 800 years ago instead?"
>Rockhoof sighs
^"I don't rightly know. There were plenty of earth mages in my day, and then I was imprisoned for a thousand years with the other Pillars. When I was set free, they were all gone."
"You never… you know, asked?"
^"I did, but the only pony who remembers those days is Princess Celestia, and she was a bit scant with the details. All I know is that 200 years after my day, the other earth mages were gone."
"But- whoah!"
>your leg gives out
>you're rewarded with a mouthful of dirt
>Rockhoof comes down from his stance
^"And that's why you should hae been quiet. If you're nae focusing on the earth, then the earth isn't focusing on you. You're nae strong enough to hold that stance without earth magic."
>you're spitting out dirt
"This whole 'clear your mind' shit just doesn't come naturally, man."
>you sit up
>and sit back on your haunches
>and start brushing your tongue off with your hooves
"I'm used to thinking."
^"And what do you think about?""
"I don't know. I never remember."
^"Nothing important, then."
"Probably not."
^"Och, we'll try something else for now then. Try talking tae your petunias."
>you blink
>then you lean in close to the flowerbed
"Hello."
>the flowers are in full bloom now
>dozens of purple, pink, red, and blue faces hear your greeting
>and do nothing
^"Not like that, you silly filly. Through the earth."
"You want me to bury my face in the dirt and then talk to them?"
^"No. Use the earth magic."
>you plant your hooves more firmly in the ground
>and…
"Are there any instructions for this?"
"No instructions. You'll just know."
>you sigh
>then lie down on your belly
>and close your eyes
>(uh)
>(hi, flowers)
>(it's me, the guy who planted you)
>(I've enjoyed watching you grow)
>(I've got a lot of shit on my plate right now, so coming out here to water you guys and shit is pretty relaxing)
>(uh)
>you crack open an eyelid
>then jump to your hooves
"Holy shit!"
>every single petunia has turned its face to look at you
^"Hah! Easier than you thought it would be, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. Wow."
>Rockhoof's massive hoof claps you on the back
^"In a little while here, you might be able tae teach them tricks."
"You serious?"
^"Oh, yes."

>Spike's only been up here about 10 days
>already, his years of experience under Twilight Sparkle have whittled your daily "paperwork hour" down to an actual hour
>not only that, but he's turned this formerly tedious and boring process into something worth greentexting about
>Spike's simple, yet effective system for the piles of bills, treaties, petitions, and etc that come across your desk is as follows:
>with mind-boggling speed and precision, Spike organizes the papers alphabetically and divides them into two neat stacks
>two seats are set up behind the massive princess desk
>each of you takes a seat and a stack
>you take a paper, skim the essentials, make the appropriate markings, and place it in the "finished bin" next to the stack
>repeat til both stacks are in their finished bins
>thereafter, the papers are processed by your squadron of royal secretaries, and passed on to the appropriate party
>it's become a fairly mindless process by now
~"All I'm saying is, I think a hydra would beat a manticore."
"You are out of your mind! The manticore's got that bigass stinger! All it has to do is hit the hydra once with that-"
~"No. Way. Hydras are like dragons. They've got thick hides. Here, signature."
>there are, unfortunately, some papers that Spike just can't mark for you
>Spike slides one such paper over to your side of the desk
>you take your quill and scribble on a signature before returning to your own stack
~"Sometimes, I even let Rarity use me as a pincushion-"
"First of all, that's fucking bizarre and you should stop that. Second of all, sewing needles aren't shit compared to a manticore stinger-"
~"But the hydra is so much bigger! Ah, initials."
>you quickly scrawl out a "PAF"
"So?! Manticores can fly!"
~"No they can not! Their wings are too small!"
"Your wings are too small, and you can fly!"
~"But… that's magic!"
"Exactly. It's magic."
~"I'm, like, 80% sure that manticores still can't fly, but okay, what about all those heads? Hoofprint."
>you dab your hoof on an inkpad and slam it onto the paper
~"Let's say the manticore can somehow fly. It can only fly at one of the hydra's heads at a time. And while it's doing that, the other, like, three heads are gonna eat it."
"What? Dude, a manticore is basically a giant lion, and a lion is basically a giant cat. Cats were born to smack at dangly shit. He'd be just fine."
~"That's not the way that works! Sign here."
>you growl and scrawl out the signature
"It totally fucking is!"
>the door to your office creaks open
>Starswirl the Bearded wearily canters in
<"Are you two quite done yet? I have a rousing lesson in ballroom etiquette which I'm quite eager to share with Anonymous."
>you glance at your stack
>which is now only about an inch thick
"Yeah, we're almost done here, just give us like ten more minutes."
<"Hm…"
>Starswirl comes walking over to the desk
~"Hi, Mr. The Bearded. Have I ever told you what an honor it is to be working with you?"
<"About 18 times, yes."
~"I mean, Twilight's been telling me all about you for as long as I can remember. You're basically her hero!"
<"Yes, yes, she's told me so herself."
>with a cocked eyebrow, Starswirl looks in Spike's finished bin
>he grabs the topmost paper in his magic and reads it
<"Princess Anonymous, are you quite sure you are reading the things you are signing?"
"Huh? Uh, yeah. It's sort of like speed-reading, but, you know, still…"
>Starswirl drops the paper in front of you
"Spike Appreciation Day, a national holiday to celebrate the achievements of Spike the Glorious and Brave…"
>you look at Spike
>you just
>look at him
"What?"
"Shit fucking damnit, Spike!"
~"Yeah, all right, all right."
>Spike grabs the signed bill and casually obliterates it with dragonfire
<"You may want to double-check all of these papers tonight, Anonymous."
>with that, Starswirl stalks out of the office, utterly victorious
>you look at the stacks of finished papers
>and groan

>it's been about a month, now, since that fateful spring day when you were told you were the princess of all Equestria
>two days ago, summer's first heat wave hit the country
>yesterday, you noticed a recurring theme during Day Court
>"It was 90 degrees at 3 in the morning!"
>"My crops shriveled up overnight!"
>"There's just no break from this Sun!"
>today, you cleared out your afternoon for an emergency meeting
>seated at your conference table are powerful sorcerers, wealthy weather factory moguls, agricultural experts, and the top brass from both the Guard and the Wonderbolts
>for lack of a podium in the room, you've opted to stand on the table itself
"Gentlemen… or, uh, gentlecolts… and ladies. The reason why I've summoned you here today is simple. Equestria needs night."
>Starswirl had been pleased when you'd pitched the idea to him yesterday
<"Good of you to use that wit of yours for helping ponies for a change, instead of inventing creative swear words."
>you hit a guy with a "fuckshitting niggerdicks" one damn time…
>a bespectacled, redheaded sorcerer raises a hoof in the back
"Yes?"
>the fucking nerd snorts, and pushes her glasses back up her snout
>"But how is that possible without the princesses?"
"That, genius-horse, is why I invited all of you ponies here. To figure it out."
>the silence that follows is so awkward it's almost palpable
"Well don't all jump up at once."
>seriously?
>nobody?
>all right, you'll just go ahead and toss up the most obvious solution first
"Okay. History tells us that before there were alicorns in Equestria, unicorns would put their magic together to move the Sun and the Moon. Any of you super-smart sorcerers wanna tell me why I thought of this before you did?"
>the sorcerers exchange uncomfortable looks
>Starlight Glimmer almost raises her hoof
>but brings it back down sheepishly before you can call on her
"Oh geez, there's a reason, isn't there?"
>Starswirl stands up and strides beside you
<"There is a reason. Even with many unicorns, it still takes ponies of great power to move the Sun and the Moon. I was once such pony, but I alone cannot bring forth the night."
"Yeah. Ponies of great power. That's why I invited the 12 most powerful unicorns I could find on the census."
>Starlight speaks up
>"Anon, sweetie, unicorns with that kind of power just aren't born anymore. Even hundreds of us couldn't match Princess Celestia's strength."
>the redhead with the glasses nods nervously
>"Probably the only unicorn to be born in recent times with the power of an ancient sorcerer was Twilight. And she's…"
"One of our missing alicorns now. Got it."
>"And we still would have needed at least ten more unicorns with her power."
>if you still had fingers you'd be doing that thing where you pinch the bridge of your nose
>as it is you're just facehoofing
"All right, so we need hundreds of unicorns. Hell, we need thousands. I'm the damn princess, I can do that."
>again, Starlight interjects
>"Anon, when I said hundreds of unicorns, I meant unicorns with the spellcasting ability of the sorcerers in this room. You won't find a thousand unicorns like that in all of Equestria."
"So how many are we gonna need here? Again, I can get a draft going."
>the redhead with the glasses sets an abacus on the table and makes some rapid calculations
>"Approximately… every unicorn in Equestria."
>you're breathless
"Every…"
>Starlight adds a point to that which kills the last little bit of hope you didn't know you had
>"And most unicorns have ordinary everyday occupations, like baking or sewing. If you pulled every single one of us to Canterlot…"
"Yeah, I get it. It's a logistical nightmare, economic suicide, and probably a pony rights crisis."
>you flop down on your belly right there in front of everyone
"But man. We are in for one rough summer if we can't get a little night time going. I've had a dozen farmers come to me in person to tell me they're afraid it'll kill their crops."
>someone from the agricultural experts section pipes up
>"Our calculations based on early reports of the heat wave show Equestria heading for a famine."
"Thanks."
>then you hop up to your hooves
"Starlight!"
>"No."
"What? You don't even know what I'm gonna ask."
>"I can't use the magic of friendship to move the Sun. In the first place, we don't even know if I can access it; in the second place, we don't know if it can be used for anything other than destruction; and in the third place, we might actually destroy the Sun if we try to find out."
>you rise up to your haunches and groan
>then you flop down on your back
"Maybe there's some way to put a giant cover between Equestria and the Sun…"
>the weather magnate coughs
>"You mean like a… cloud cover, my princess?"
>without getting up, you propel yourself across the slick table til you're staring the weather magnate in the eyes
"I knew I invited you for a reason."
>"Erm… yes. I mean we could, possibly, manufacture a large quantity of stormclouds and distribute them to local weatherponies every night."
"Go on…"
>"Well, there are just a few drawbacks to this plan now, princess, the most obvious being that it'd rain most nights."
"Eh, that's not the worst thing in the world."
>"Another thing is that stormclouds are fairly dangerous. Most towns only have one or two weatherponies qualified to work with them."
"Weatherponies are government workers, right? I can have a cheesey safety video sent out by close of business tomorrow. Get everyone nice and qualified."
>"Well if you don't have any objections, ma'am, then I can promise that nights produced by this plan will be almost as dark as a genuine night."
"On a scale of noon to midnight, how dark are we talking here?"
>"Ah, just after Sunset, when the last little bit of orange has gone under the horizon. Of course, it'll be a bit darker on nights when it storms."
"I'm down. Let's do it."
>"Now of course there's the issue of what it'll cost my company. We'd need to stop production of other, more profitable clouds almost entirely. Not to mention the cost of training more my employees in stormcloud safety."
"Yo, what do you need? Contracts, grants, subsidaries, bonds? I got you fam."
>the old pegasus grins
>"Well in that case, I suppose we should schedule a meeting between our ponies to work out the details."
"It's a fucking deal, mister."
>with that, you leap up to your hooves and start shouting
"See that? Now that's an innovative solution! Fucking SYNERGY, dude!"
>the redhead with the glasses decides to open up her stupid fucking mouth again
>"That's not what synergy means."
"Shut the fuck up, nerd."

>it's only been a week since you scored that cloud deal
>already, tonight is the first actual night of the summer
>you decided to stay up to see it
>it's about as dark as promised
>some distant peals of thunder imply a storm somewhere down below Canterlot Mountain
>but up here
>it's calm
>for now, anyway
>you're lying down in front of your flowerbed
>watching the petunias gently bob back and forth to the flow of your earth magic
>you catch yoirself smiling at the sight of it more than once
>you should probably go to bed soon
>but this is nice
>all at once, a feeling of "okay we're tired now" slaps you in the mind
>and the flowers go silent
"Oh, right. No Sunlight right now. Figures."
>you're about to head up to bed
>but something squirms out of your ear and pops in front of your eye
>"Hello, Anon!"
"Oh my fucking shit!"
>you stand up and begin batting at your ear
>the motherfucker who just crawled out of it is a snake-like creature who goes by the name of Discord
>several guards poke their heads around the hedges to see what the commotion is
>but when they see Discord, disappear among the leaves once more
>fucking Discord
>with his god-like powers, he frequently abuses the fabric of time and space itself for real-life shitposts
>you know him to be lazy, irritating, loud, and infinitely smug
>and so powerful that it's impossible on every level to make him fuck off
>he's probably never given a single fuck about anything in his entire life
>in short, he's everything you've ever wanted to be
>and, oh, how you hate him for it
>"Lovely night, isn't it? I only wish I could see the Moon. Is it behind those clouds?"
>Discord raises his claw as though he's going to turn your expensive cloud cover into gumballs
"Don't you fucking touch those clouds, you cockmonger!"
>"Me, oh my, we are cranky tonight, aren't we? Perhaps it's time for little fillies to go to bed."
"I'm gonna stick my fucking-"
>your lips become zippers and zip shut
>Discord scans the hedge maze with apparent whistfulness
>"Do you know, Anon, that it was right around this very spot that she defeated me?"
>you unzip your mouth, upon which the zippers disappear
"Who, Twilight?"
>"No, that was in Ponyville. I'm talking about Fluttershy. Have you heard the story?"
"Only about a dozen-"
>"One by one, I lured her friends into various forms of despair. But Fluttershy was different. Even as I threatened her to her face, she stayed…. sweet… and innocent."
>Discord shrugs
>"In the end I had to brainwash her by force. But, do you know, life is funny. These days, she's my closest friend!"
"Your only friend."
>Discord sticks out his forked tongue
>"Rude. Maybe I won't make you the offer I came all this way for."
"Oh geez, what do you want?"
>"Oh, I just wanted to extend a small favor. Remember how you used to beg and plead me to make you human again?"
"Sure."
>"Well, after giving it a few years of thought, I'm finally ready to grant you your wish. Ready?"
"H-hang on, hang on. A non-pony can't legally rule Equestria."
>"So?"
"So, why couldn't you have made this offer at any other point during the last four years? You know, when I wasn't expected to be the only thing standing between this country and total chaos?"
>Discord blinks
>"I don't believe we've met. I'm Discord, spirit of chaos."
"I fucking hate you."
>Discord shrugs
>"Well, that's not to say I wasn't excited when I first heard they'd put a crown on your head. After all, you're my kind of princess."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
>"Well you're lazy, arrogant, impulsive, easily provoked-"
"Okay I get it shut the fuck up."
>"See what I mean? In any case, you seem to be handling things a bit too well for my taste. This cloud cover idea has brought things disgustingly close to normalcy."
"Please go away."
>"So, what do you say? I give you your fingers back, and all you have to do is sit back and smell the ashes."
"Have you ever thought about using those obnoxious powers of yours for something helpful? Like finding the princesses?
>"Oh, please, not even I can do everything. I'd tell you if I knew where they were. Just between us, stiff little Twilight has begun to grow on me."
"Okay. Well, in that case, I've got about three and a half hours before I have to get up tomorrow. See you never, hopefully."
>"You're not even going to think about my offer?"
>you're already walking away
"Go away."
>"Not even one little finger? Or a little-"
"Get the fuck out!"

>today marks eighteen days and nights of, well, nights
>you should feel pretty good about that
>so why do you have this foreboding of of dread?
<"If you must know why I'm taking you to the banquet hall, Princess Anonymous, I'll tell you a small secret."
"What's that?"
<"A certain dragon told me that today is your birthday."
>is it?
>hm…
"Huh, I guess it is."
<"Did you forget?"
"Apparently. More importantly, there's not a ceremony for this, is there?"
<"Oh, there most certainly is."
>Starswirl grins as he grips the doors to the banquet hall in his magic
>you cringe like an abused dog
<"No, Starswirl! No!"
>the door swings wide open
>a burst of confetti smacks you in the face
>"Surprise!"
"However, I took the liberty of arranging a more private celebration instead."
>Twilight's friends are all laughing and waving at you
>Rockhoof grins from by the buffet table
>Spike is suspended from the ceiling by a mass of streamers tangled around his tail
>Starlight Glimmer offers a standoffish head-nod
"Oh, thank fuck."
>Rainbow Dash snatches you up in one fell swoop
>"Heh! I see somebody still needs to wash your mouth out with soap, kid!"
"Oh, geez, where are you taking me?"
>the rest of Twilight's friends have formed a ravenous circle below you
>Dash drops you into the middle of that
>suddenly you're surrounded by cooing mares
>there was a time when you would have really enjoyed this
"Ah! Stop it! Literally every single one of you knew me when I was a grown-ass man!"
>"Of course, but darling! Treating you like a filly is the only way to make you pout!"
>two marshmallow hooves squish your cheeks
>"And you're so very adorable when you pout!"
>"Oh! Oh! Somebody get Anon a party hat! Oh wait, I already did!"
>an elastic band snaps tight around your chin, fastening a cardboard cone in place on your scalp
>"Ooh, aren't you just the most precious thing!"
>Fluttershy scoops you up and lifts you out of the feeding frenzy
>"Now, girls. It isn't nice to tease."
>a chorus of disappointed "aww"s rises from the floor
>Fluttershy turns her eyes on you
>"How old are you today, Anon?"
"Uh, I guess I'd be 30 now."
>that's when it happens
>the first time you've ever heard Starswirl laugh
<"Ha! Is that so? You don't look a day over 12! You must tell me your secret."
>the scrunched-up scowl that elicits out of you coaxes the girls into howls of laughter
~"Uh, guys?"
>you look up
>Spike is still dangling from the streamers
~"A little help here?"
>Starlight brushes her mane out of her face and trots over to the center of the party
>"I'll get him."
>a bit of magic finaggling later, and Spike is able to glide himself safely to the floor
>Pinkie Pie begins firing her party cannon
>which you haven't noticed until this very moment
>completely at random, spraying confetti and streamers everywhere
>"LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"
>seemingly in response, the whole world issues a massive shudder
>you fall flat on your ass
"That, uh, wasn't your party cannon, was it?"

<"Rockhoof, do you sense what I sense?"
^"That this was no mere earthquake?"
<"Indeed."
^"Aye. The mountain is crying out. Be quiet a while, all of you. Let me listen."
>Rockhoof plants his hooves firmly on the marble floor
>and closes his eyes
>as you watch him, the world shakes again
>but Rockhoof stands motionless through it
>the quake is calm for a long time before he opens his eyes again
^"Shai-hulud."
<"I see."
"Uh, excuse me, what?"
<"Anonymous, are you familiar with the tatzlwurm?"
"The what?"
<"Never mind. The shai-hulud is the largest species of worm in the world."
>another earthquake knocks you off your hooves
"Big enough to cause that?"
<"Indeed. Were it to surface through the top of Canterlot Mountain, it could consume the city in one bite."
^"It's not likely tae do that, mind you. The great worms of the earth prefer to stay hidden."
"So, we just wait for it to go away?"
^"No. This worm could eat away at the mountain from within and cause a great collapse. He'll have to be driven away."
>Applejack gives a rebel yell
>"Well it sure is good we've got some of the best adventurers in Eqeustria in here! C'mon, yall! Let's go kick us some worm!"
<"No."
"No? No?! Let's just let a big fucking worm destroy Canterlot?"
<"What I mean, Princess Anonymous, is that you must face the shai-hulud alone. Can't you feel it? There is a great destiny in the air today."
"No I can't fucking 'feel it' I'm a damn earth pony!"
^"I feel it in the earth. The creature was sent as a trial for you."
"So what, you're just gonna risk a million lives on some mystic, horseshit 'feeling'? Twilight would never have been expected to do this shit on her own! She'd go down there with all her friends and use the friendship powers or whatever."
>Applejack scratches her chin
>"Eh, I dunno if anyone's ever told you this, Anon, but friendship ain't exactly your strong suit."
"Oh, oh, so you're all just gonna go along with this?"
>Twilight's friends exchange glances and nod
>"Eh"
>"Yeah"
>"Sounds fine to me."
>"Pretty much."
"Sure, you know what? Okay. I've been meaning to fucking die, just take me to the fucking worm."
>Pinkie cheers
>"That's the spirit!"
>Starswirl claps his hoof on your shoulder
>and then hits you with a surprise long-distance telepoof
>once you finish throwing up, you can see that you're in what appears to be a dark dungeon
>standing at the entrance to an even darker cavern
>you're probably deep underneath the castle
>Starswirl picks up a rock from the tunnel and casts some sort of spell on it
>the stone is transformed into a glowing gem
<"Take this, and go quickly. I sense a great destiny waiting for you."
"Look man, I don't think this is a good idea. There's, what, a million ponies living in Canterlot? I don't think we should risk that over some 'great destiny' mumbo jumbo."
>Starswirl nods
>then zaps your ass with a spell
"Ow! What was that?"
<"It will allow me to watch over you. Should it appear as though you will fail, I will intervene."
>you take the glowing rock in your hoof
"You're really fucking set on this, huh?"
<"The time of your testing is at hoof. You must go."
"Okay. Sure. Fine. But when I die you've gotta dye your hat pink for my funeral."
>with that, you stick the magic rock in your mouth
>and disappear into the bowels of Canterlot Mountain

>down the twisting cavern corridors you go
>occasionally a great rumble knocks you off your hooves
>more than once this happens as you're standing next to a steep drop-off
>and more than once you have some close encounters with falling rocks
>you'd like to say that you're guided by this "great destiny" Starswirl and Rockhoof were on about
>but to be quite frank
>you're just sort of going at random
>the deeper you go
>the more you start to hear loud roars
>like
>impossibly loud
>more than once, you think that the creature must be right behind you
>but it's not for a long walk yet
>when your cavern path ends in a dead end
>a sheer drop leading to a massive, open space far below
>do you see it
>the great worm is lined with glowing red gemstones down its sides
>and
>far below though it is
>you can tell that it's mind-bogglingly massive
>the enraged creature flails and rams against the mountain's interior
>taking great mouthfuls of stone from the walls and casting them about at random
>it hasn't noticed you yet
>okay
>there is no conceivable way for you to handle this thing
>you lean against a large rock and think
>wait a second
>is it supposed to be this obvious?
>there's a massive rock sitting on the precipice of the drop
>this thing is easily 15 times your size
>there's a chance that if you push it off, it could injure the worm and scare it away
"Seriously?"
>okay, sure
>pushing this rock off the ledge will require you to channel more earth magic than you've ever channelled before
>but still
>you brace yourself against the rock
>remembering what Rockhoof always says about not relying on your own strength
>remembering what he says about drawing your strength from the earth
>you push
>or rather, the rock essentially pushes itself
>it tilts precariously
>as if it really wants to go over the side
>but instead of doing that
>it crashes back into place
>loudly
>you check to see if the shai-hulud heard that
>oh, yeah
>it definitely heard that
>the massive monster worm roars with purpose as it races up the side of the drop
>heading straight for you
"Oh shit, oh fuck, oh man!"
>you brace yourself against the rock again
>and you heave and heave at it
>in your panic, you keep losing the flow of the earth magic
>and the rock comes crashing down against your tiny filly strength again and again
"Come on… you… fucking… BITCH!"
>at last, the rock goes tumbling over the edge
>you breathe a sigh of relief as you watch it hurtle toward the great worm
>but then you suck it back in with a gasp
>you went over with the rock!

>the rock smashes into the shai-hulud's face
>you land on the rock
>which hurts, of course
>but not nearly so much as it would have hurt to land on the cavern floor thousands of feet below
>you spend a moment being grateful to be alive
>then the worm loses its grip on the wall
>and it falls
>and the rock falls
>and you fall
>with your eyes shut tight, you scream into the rushing blackness
>and you scream
>and you fall
>and you-
>"Anonymous?"
>cracking open your eye, you find that you're floating in some kind of purple void
"Princess Celestia?"
>the tall, white alicorn nods
>"Indeed."
"Oh man… A-am I… dead?"
>"I hope not, that would make me dead as well. I'm quite sure I was perfectly alive just a moment ago."
"I'm pretty sure I was plunging to my death just a moment ago."
>"Oh my. How in the world did that happen?"
"Some big worm was attacking Canterlot. I pushed a big rock on it, then fell down a cliff."
>Celestia frowns
>"That cutie mark on your flank. Did you have that the last time I saw you?"
"No, definitely not."
>"What is it?"
"Earth magic."
>Celestia scratches her head
>"Earth magic… Anon, how large was this rock exactly?"
"Pretty fucking big. Big enough to knock out a charging shai-hulud anyway."
>"So you channeled a great deal of earth magic and sacrificed yourself to save Canterlot?"
"I mean, you could put it that way."
>"But before you could plunge to your doom, the Aether whisked you away to see me."
"That's, uh, pretty much what happened, yeah."
>"Well congratulations, Anon."
"What?"
>"I think I'm supposed to make you an alicorn now."
"What?!"
>"It makes sense, doesn't it? Why, they've even made you the princess by now, haven't they?"
"Yeah. How did you know about that?"
>"A bill with your name signed onto it appeared to me on a puff of dragonfire. Something about a holiday for Spike."
"Oh, that was, uh, vetoed, don't worry."
>Celestia giggles
>"I'm relieved to see that Equestria is in such responsible hooves. Twilight was quite upset when we got that paper, you know."
>the great alicorn's horn glows brightly
>"Princess Anonymous, when you wake up, you will be a true alicorn."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait! Before you do that, I need to ask you something."
>"Ah, what's that?"
"Where the fuck are you?"
>"My goodness, you're right! Luna would scold me severely if I didn't tell you."
"Yeah. I'd kind of like to find you and give you your job back."
>"There is a hidden chamber beneath the Castle of the Royal Sisters, in the Everfree Forest. We are being held prisoner there."
>Celestia's horn glows to an almost blinding brightness
>"It is a lair for shadow ponies."