Where No Man [M4F]

[M4F] Where No Man [The Sound of Awesome][Please no "Space Seed" Puns][O Captain! My Captain!]


Note: Should be done with your best Shatner/Kirk impression.

Note: This script ends with a 100-1 challenge which if done full Shatner could take about two hours and become very tedious. Please feel free to modify by shortening it or doing something more creative like cutting to commercial :)


[Episode opening jingle - This is NOT the main theme]

Captain's Log, Stardate 1577.4

I find myself stranded on Cygnus-12.

Scans indicated a high level of dilithium crystals in the planet's crust so I beamed down with a landing party to determine the feasibility of establishing a mining outpost here.

A severe ion storm surrounding the planet has prevented transporter use for the last 17 hours and has forced the Enterprise to break orbit until the storm subsides.

The remainder of my landing party were killed in an unexpectedly ferocious attack by the native population.

Recommend commendations for Lieutenant Smith, Ensign Rogers and Crewmen Landry and Jones.

I sustained minor injuries in the attack and have managed to elude pursuit by forging deeper into the forest.

My phaser is at 78% charge while the phaser I was able to retrieve from the fallen Crewman Landry is at 85% so I am capable of defending myself if needed.

However, given the results of the first attack - Please hurry Mr. Spock and Mr. Scott.

[Pause]

Personal Log, Stardate 1577.6

I am still pursued by a small party of five natives.

Their weapons and dress are quite primitive however they are clearly not to be underestimated.

It is unfortunate that that this first contact has gone so poorly as they are a highly attractive humanoid species.

So much so they could easily pass as human were it not for their pale green skin and bright red eyes.

There are no men amongst this group of pursuers.

Perhaps their hunting parties are segregated? Or perhaps this is a matriarchal society?

I will continue to observe and learn as much as I can of these fascinating people but I must be careful to remain undetected.

[Pause]

Captains's Log, Stardate 1577.9

I have been captured by the natives.

That small party of five was actually a feint they intended me to detect.

In the meantime I was surrounded by a much larger force of dozens of warriors.

I was able to fend off the first wave of the attack but the natives recover far more quickly than expected from phaser stuns and I was soon over-run.

I have been taken to their village and given a tent.

The accommodations are sparse as expected but I have been treated with respect.

Even awe.

None of my equipment save the phasers have been touched and I am myself unharmed.

The universal translator is still working to assimilate their language but from what I can understand the discovery of the dead crews' bodies created considerable alarm and so the decision was made to capture me alive.

Despite being marched through the heart of the village, I still have yet to see any males.

[Pause]

Captains's Log, Stardate 1577.10

I am to be brought before their queen.

There I will be subject to some form of trial by combat against the village champion.

The translator is still not fully operational as it insists on naming this competition "edging".

The native weaponry I have seen have been strictly spears. Perhaps some sort of ceremonial swords?

These people are clearly pre-bronze age so maybe these will be metal artifacts from a previous civilization.

As a certain Vulcan would say, "Fascinating".

[Pause]

Captains's Log, Stardate 1577.11

The trial will begin momentarily.

Since the natives have paid no heed to my communicator, I will leave it on so it can record the proceedings.

Though as a personal communication device it will only be able to pick up sound in close vicinity such as my voice.

If I fail this recording may prove valuable for future attempts at contacting the natives.

I have set the communicator to send a distress signal at regular intervals.

This will be detectable by any Starfleet vessel in standard orbit.

The device's atomic batteries will be able to maintain this for 35 years.

The challenge appears to be hand to hand combat.

Though naked as per the ancient Greeks or modern Denobians.

We are in a large clearing at city center.

The entire village surrounds us as spectators.

The queen is the only one seated.

Observing silently.

Critically.

While the crowd cheers and jeers.

<start combat music>

My opponent is quite attractive. Distractingly so. Long flowing hair and large pendulous breasts on a warrior's frame.

But I must maintain concentration!

My life likely depends on it.

No, wait, she is not unarmed.

She has a small, smooth wooden club.

Less than an arm in length.

I stand at the ready, waiting for her charge, I will attempt to disarm her and use the weapon myself.

But no. Instead. She bows to me. I bow back.

And now, she sits.

She sits?

She sits, legs splayed in front of here.

Arms grab me roughly from behind, pushing me down until I am seated as well.

Now she is taking that club.

No! Not a club. That is no weapon. She inserts it into the slit between her legs.

A broad smile crosses her face. The crowd cheers.

The entire crowd's attention now turns to me.

The queen's piercing eyes meet mine. She nods.

I understand immediately and I grasp my cock in my right hand.

The crowd roars again.

The crowd begins chanting as my opponent thrusts the stick deeper into herself. Then out. Then in.

I follow suit. Keeping pace. Stroking myself.

<begin masturbating sounds>

The universal translator is working now. The crowd is counting.

<Start counting down from 100-1 as if Kirk is doing a challenge. At 1 DO NOT COME!>

The crowd gasps as the contest finishes.

We have both passed.

Thank you Mr. Spock for those Vulcan lessons on emotional self-control.

The Queen stands.

She tells me I am the first man to pass the challenge in 300 years.

I am now a full citizen. Will all the rights of any other.


My queen!

I am honored.

However, where I am from our challenges between men and women are of a slightly different nature.

Perhaps you will let me show you some of OUR ways.