HIVLIVING CARDIOTOXIN CONVERSATION

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Last Tuesday at 9:02 PM

cardiotoxin
Hi Naj. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt with regard to your existence and say that I hope you pass this message on to Israa.

Israa, you have claimed consistently to be based in India - and yet you've several times asked for donations via a cash.me cashtag. Cash.me cashtags may receive money from international cards, but they must be registered with United States accounts. Cash.me payments cannot be processed when the holder of the app is outside of the United States - it can't even be used in Puerto Rico or the US Virgin Islands. Square business accounts, which you do not have, can only be used in the US, Australia, Canada, and Japan.

You did say once that a friend set this account up for you. However, it is prohibitively difficult and expensive to transfer money from US accounts to overseas accounts, such that small donations would be lost in the fees. I am personally aware of this, given that I do not live in the US anymore. There are microtransaction apps available in India, which makes your use of squarecash doubly odd.

Either you were collecting money that you couldn't use for your medical bills, or you don't live in India, even though you told people for years that you were living in India.

This calls into question a lot of your other claims about your life and situation. I shouldn't need to list those.

I am going to swallow my disgust about the appropriateness of those claims in general and this blog in particular for the moment. I am truly not interested in making a public spectacle of this. I get the feeling that you are very young. I understand young people make some very stupid mistakes. I just want you to refund any money people donated to you - to THEM, not to a charity - and I'd like you to prove it. If that's not possible right now, I want you to promise them you will do so in the future - and prove that you've promised them as well.

I'd also like you to delete your presence from the hivliving blog. You seem to be working on this already.

Please let me know within the next 3 days (it's currently 8:34 PM October 24th in UTC/my time zone, fwiw) that you've received this message.

I have no interest in doxxing you or finding out your "real" details or your "real" name. Absolutely none. My only interest is that you apologize to those you took advantage of.

Please, please, please, don't do this again. If you are struggling with money or mental health, there are places that can help you out, and I can help you out with money in a pinch, but neither your financial issues nor your mental health struggles make what you have done in any way appropriate.

Today at 7:23 PM

hivliving
hi! this is naj. thank you for your message! i really appreciate the time and consideration you put into this message. i forwarded your message to israa when i received it and we talked about it today. your information made me have questions too! to be honest i have very little experience with international money situations like these and even though i have known israa for many years, what you said made me question what i know. i've asked her about it & although i do not feel comfortable sharing the details, i do want to tell you that i have personally verified her situation and claims, outside of some minor details she has adjusted to protect the privacy of her and people she knows.

i also want you to know that i took what you said very seriously. i do care a lot for israa and have known her for several years but i did not just immediately discount your accusations because they were about a friend, especially since i have not seen her in person (outside of skype) in some time. as you referenced, she is the process of removing her online presence entirely as she is moving back to china to be with her immediate family and no longer has the same time and interest in running multiple social media platforms. she has only one transaction completed on the account – for 50$ from a close friend who also happens to be on tumblr, who knows the full details of israa’s situation. i can likely provide their contact info. she has accepted no money from any one else and the account has not even been active since she received that initial support to get her back on her feet. i can provide documentation of that fact if helpful. i would also like to let you know that the general situation of her family and other ties in america.

i think that i have answered your questions to the best of my ability without compromising my friend’s privacy, but please let me know if you are interested in seeing documentation or if you would like to speak further about this on my blog. her blogs have all been inactive for many months but she is planning on permanently deleting them right after making her good-byes to her friends. i really hope that all i have said makes sense and please let me know if there is anything i can do to help.

[That last message happened after the beginning of the chain to allolesbean.]

Yesterday at 6:33 PM

cardiotoxin
hi naj, i sent hivliving a message, could you answer it there
Today at 7:44 PM

allolesbean
hey just answered it! sorry for the late response

cardiotoxin
Thank you for getting back to me.

allolesbean
ya you're welcome! thank you for bringing it up. if you need to see anything just shoot me a message here

cardiotoxin
I'm trying to be gentle with this.

I am going to be honest and say that I am reluctant to accept this as you have laid out. I truly, truly, truly did not make those accusations lightly. I very much want Israa to be real. I want one of the only few HIV-centric blogs on Tumblr to be written by a person with that experience.

However, I have been talking to several other people who were in Israa's orbit. No one has ever met her. They are sure that none of their acquaintances have ever met her. And, well, she claimed to be living in India with her wife less than two weeks before posting links to the .me account.

When I talk about international money: my American bank charges $50 for any transfer, no matter how small, to an international account. The receiving bank will charge a fee as well. Receiving donations to a cash.meaccount doesn't make sense for a person living in India. And I know this for a fact because I am an immigrant from America and have tried to use cash.me overseas on multiple occasions, in multiple permutations. I can't use it.

I am not going to press you for the personal details that make you convinced that Israa exists. I will just say that her story has many, many inconsistencies and there are many incidents on her personal blog that read as complete fabrications. For example, she has said several times that her sisters live in Karachi. She has said several times that she was trafficked by her parents. "She's moving back to China to be with immediate family" raises a very large red flag with me.  Obviously you have more details about her life than I do, but, well...

So, I will just ask straight out:

Is Israa HIV-positive?

That is my one major concern. It truly concerns me, for many reasons. I can very very very much understand if she wanted to fudge locations & histories to allow privacy for venting. But I would really, really like your honest answer to that.

cardiotoxin
Because if she isn't, she hurt many more people than I think either of us are aware of.

allolesbean
she is certainly HIV+. i think she's asleep right now but i can ask her when she wakes about the other inconsistencies you references. as you may or may not know i have congenital HIV when we lived in the same place we compared meds and other details about our statuses. i assure you that if there is one thing i know absolutely 100% about Israa, it is her status.

allolesbean
to fabricate an HIV status to further an online platform would be completely unforgivable. we are definitely in agreement about that.

cardiotoxin
Is it possible that I could talk to Israa privately? Like I said, I have absolutely no interest in taking this public. I have no interest in doxxing her, I have no interest in speaking to her more than what is absolutely necessary, and I feel like this would be a much more productive conversation if I could just talk to her in person. Things get lost through the filters of other people.
You have met Israa in person, then?

allolesbean
yup, i have met her in person. we did an international program together during my junior year. and yes, i think that is a great idea that you two talk privately. it's like 2 AM where she is and she hasnt responded to my recent messages, so i'm guessing she's asleep, but once she does wake up & is available i will ask her if i can send you her skype. would that work for you?

cardiotoxin
I would prefer to talk to her on Tumblr.

cardiotoxin
Or via tumblr, at least.
I highly doubt she's asleep, given that she just deleted her tumblr.
Naj. Israa. Whoever you are. Honey.
Please don't do this again. That's all I ask. Please don't do this.

[this is about where i checked my IP logger and got the college and went OH. I know that college!]

allolesbean
i deleted it out of concern for her safety, as i misunderstood the tone of your original message. i guess i could give you her email? she also might have a wechat

cardiotoxin
This is Alix, isn't it?
"She" deleted it while I was talking to you right now as I opened a tab to check something and refreshed it and it was gone.

allolesbean
yeah i use that main blog for my sideblog since i never made a main blog! it's actually my roommate's

cardiotoxin
I'm confused here. What?

allolesbean
my roommate and i used to have a star wars blog together, and i created this sideblog on it a while ago. i kinda lost interest in the original so now it's just her personal
i wanted to transfer this blog to another main blog for me but i wasn't able to figure out how to do that in the interface so we just share a log in

cardiotoxin
Your college roommate is Alix?
And you use that blog as a sideblog, but it links to her Instagram, and the bio talks about Alix, but she hasn't used it in forever because she's lost interest.
Am I misunderstanding something here?

allolesbean
yeah she obviously edited the theme and content when it became her personal instead of our star wars blog? im confused

allolesbean
it's not our joint blog anymore, that's just where the original source of how it was created. we both have side blogs associated with the main url, does that help?

cardiotoxin
So rather than spending 3 minutes figuring out the interface or making a new sideblog to pick up the username, you share a Tumblr login with your college roommate, whom you presumably met less than a month ago.
And she just, out of the blue, privated her instagram.
Alix.
Seriously.
Okay. I'm not interested in public callouts. I truly am not. Please go apologize to the people you hurt.

allolesbean
i told her to, because she just came in the room. i'm getting worried that she might become involved in this.

cardiotoxin
Alix.
Come on.

allolesbean
my college roommate and i have known each other for several years.

cardiotoxin
It's okay to say it out loud. You'll feel better. We've all done stupid shit on the internet. You're 18. This doesn't have to define you.
Your college roommate privated her instagram just as your friend who is totally asleep deleted her tumblr
Those are some gorgeous coincidences there

allolesbean
i have access to israa's account because i've been babysitting her tumblr for several months & i literally just told my roommate to private her instagram. she is sitting across from me on her bed. i don't know what i can do to help you.

allolesbean
i obviously cannot speak at all to israa's  life story besides what i know to be true but i can tell you that my name is naj & my roommate alix and i are sitting in our dorm at a college on the east coast. i can send you a picture of us? i can give you our phone numbers? i would really like to clarify this situation because i think you are making some assumptions that are not true based on the strangeness of how my roommate and i use tumblr.

cardiotoxin
The most recent post on hivliving has a British spelling that Israa uses. You are supposedly from the US. I understand this happens sometimes - I myself was raised by a person who used British spellings and it's a reflex for some words, but there are other things: you use & a lot, you put $ behind the numbers, etc. "Israa" does all these things too.

I am truly trying to be nice about this but I do not believe that Israa magically woke up at 2am to delete her tumblr just as I had it open in a tab, and I don't believe that Alix suddenly privated her instagram because you told her to. I don't believe that an 18-year-old on Tumblr would share a login with a friend, not just because that's fucking weird, but because that's not how multiple logins on multiple devices and apps works.I don't want your phone number. I want you to tell me the truth. One question. Just one question. Was the hivliving blog run under false pretenses?

allolesbean
i did not create the HIVliving blog but i do know that israa is HIV+ and she created that blog to educate other people. it was not created under false pretenses. while i can't speak to israa's life story besides this, i can tell you that alix and i literally do share a main blog. she is only on tumblr very occasionally, to look at pretty pictures. i would hate for her to be dragged into something like this.

cardiotoxin
THAT DOES NOT EXPLAIN WHY ISRAA'S BLOG WAS DELETED.

allolesbean
i already said that i deleted it. i have been the sole accessor of her blog for several months now, just to check on her messages on the HIV blog.

cardiotoxin
You told me Israa was deleting her social media.

allolesbean
she was planning to, which is why i didn't feel at all bad about doing it myself.

cardiotoxin
ISRAA. Not you. That she was in the process of. You dashboarded the hivliving blog, that I can get, but you did that while talking to me? So you access the hivliving blog, the blueskysapphic blog, and this blog through the same chain? You met her on an international study at your junior year of college, but Alix is 18? You share a password with Alix and you have the same typing Britishism quirks as Israa and you got access to Israa's blog, which she gave you the password for, because she was planning to delete it but couldn't be bothered to hit the delete button in the more than a month she hadn't posted there?
If you were a co-mod of the hivliving blog you wouldn't have needed her password. The messages would have gone to your inbox.

cardiotoxin
If you weren't a co-mod of the hivliving blog in the sense of sharing a sideblog with Israa, then she would have had to give you her password for ANY posts you made, and Naj-as-Naj made a few. Not a lot but a few.
So Israa, who is understandably covetous of privacy, would give her password to you just because you yet again could not figure out "the interface" of clicking a few buttons?

allolesbean
1) i was never a co-mod of hivliving i think, she just gave me her password so i wouldn't have to out my status to my roommate 2) i met her during my junior year of high school not college

cardiotoxin
allolesbean says you're congenitally hiv+

allolesbean
oh shit

cardiotoxin
If you logged in through an account that shared with your roommate to get to allolesbean, she would have know

cardiotoxin
Can you just stop this now
Can you please just fucking stop this

cardiotoxin
One more time. Third time's the charm.
Did the people who ran hivliving do so under false pretenses?

allolesbean
i'm being 100% real with you now - and my answer is: not that i know of. i have never seen paperwork proving israa's status or anything but the way she talked about it with me seemed really real. she would have had to really do her research to lie about something like that.

cardiotoxin
She really wouldn't have
Okay, let's try this again. YOU SAID:
"my roommate and i used to have a star wars blog together, and i created this sideblog on it a while ago. i kinda lost interest in the original so now it's just her personal
i wanted to transfer this blog to another main blog for me but i wasn't able to figure out how to do that in the interface so we just share a log in"
And then you said
"i was never a co-mod of hivliving i think, she just gave me her password so i wouldn't have to out my status to my roommate"
cardiotoxin
You share a log-in with a blog that outs you as HIV+. To your roommate. Whom you were trying to hide your status from.
Your blog has outed you as HIV+ since at least June of 2016. AT LEAST.
So, when'd you start college again?

cardiotoxin
Maybe the fourth time will be the fucking charm
Do I have to ask it again?

allolesbean
i want to explain everything: but i need you to promise that it stays between us.

cardiotoxin
Do you know how many people you've hurt? Do you grasp the scale of this?
Explain afuckingway
Like I said
I don't do callouts

cardiotoxin
You still there?

allolesbean
yeah hold on. i've never admitted this to myself let alone another person.

allolesbean
the truth is: i'm not naj. naj isn't real, but alix is a real person, who i do actually live with. israa is a real person too (although her name is spelled differently). i met alix in our freshman year of high school in field hockey and now we are suitemates (we share a bathroom but not a room) in college. alix confided in me so much, and we spent multiple summers working together at a sleepaway camp. she shared a lot about her life, especially about this girl israa who is one of her best friends, and now lives in india. i just got so fascinated by all of it the more i found out. they are both HIV+ in real life and they really do skype once a week. they really did meet at an international CTY program. i made blogs and other accounts imitating them based on their real social media and what i learned from their skype calls/what alix told me about. i've had to embellish some details but for the most part, things i've posted is stuff that i've heard directly from them or stuff that i've taken from their facebooks. the donation was real too - alix mentioned that israa had really bad medical debt bc of HIV meds and i asked if she would take donations. the money went to the israa who was struggling, not my fake version of her. i'm guessing the real alix and the real israa have no idea what i'm doing w/ their names, faces, identities, etc.

cardiotoxin
You sure that's the truth
You sure
How'd you get the money to Israa
Do tell

allolesbean
i realize you have no reason to believe me because i've spent the last few hours lying my ass off, but that is the real truth.

cardiotoxin
How'd you get the money to Israa
And what is your name

allolesbean
the money was sent via xoom if i'm remebering correctly? alix did it on her paypal account

cardiotoxin
Get me a goddamn receipt for that transaction and I'll believe what you just told me. Which, by the way, is still fucking horrifying.
What's your name? And why did you do this?

allolesbean
i know it's horrifying. everything about it is completely wrong. my name is [x].

allolesbean
the transaction between alix and israa took place on alix's paypal (i think) so i'll have to wait until i can get access to her laptop at which point i will send you a receipt. right now i can give you a receipt of the original transaction on cashme. i know it's completely twisted but i care about both of them, just in the completely wrong way.

allolesbean
i will be deleting (not at the present moment, so that we can continue discussing if you want) all of my tumblrs in any way associated with this dangerous and god-awful disaster i have created.

cardiotoxin
No you are fucking not
You need to post a big fat apology on hivliving
NOW
You don't have to dox your fucking self all you have to do is make a post saying "I am not HIV+ and no one involved in this blog was. I apologize"

cardiotoxin
And take it off dash-only, for Christ's sake

allolesbean
i will draft one immediately. i will also apologize on this blog, allolesbean.

cardiotoxin
Fucking TELL Alix what you have done to her and fucking TELL Israa

allolesbean
can you please also assure me that the real alix and the real israa will not be harmed/doxxed by my awful awful behavior?

cardiotoxin
Why the fuck would I dox them
If Alix really isn't you

allolesbean
yeah i just wanted to make sure. they've suffered enough by me using them like this.

cardiotoxin
You can email that cash.me receipt to me via your [COLLEGE] email address to [MY PROTONMAIL]
And you can fucking GO APOLOGIZE TO PEOPLE
Not JUST Alix and Israa.

cardiotoxin
And you still haven't answered one question
WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

allolesbean
i guess i just found their lives so interested compared to mine that i wanted to be involved. i know that is awful but it is the truth.

cardiotoxin
It's not because you wanted 600 kudos on AO3

allolesbean
you're right.

allolesbean
ok i just changed the view settings of hivliving

allolesbean
here is the receipt of the only transaction that took place on the cashme: https://ibb.co/mL8PwR

cardiotoxin
How can I be sure you're not Alix

cardiotoxin
Because
Again

cardiotoxin
I HIGHLY FUCKING DOUBT that Alix just HAPPENED to private her instagram

allolesbean
i told her to because i thought she would be exposed for something that i actually did. i did a series of things that were extremely fucked up and no one should suffer for that but me.

cardiotoxin
Fine. Then send the receipt via your [COLLEGE] email to [MY EMAIL]e@protonmail.com. Protonmail has a perma-shredder function, so after I am satisfied that an [x] at [COLLEGE] did this and not an Alix at [COLLEGE], and that I have seen you have posted apologies on all of your blogs plus that fucking fic, I will leave you alone and never talk to you again.

cardiotoxin
I don't want to contact your parents, I don't want to contact your school, I don't want to contact your friends, and doxxing is illegal and immoral. And I obviously can't check up on every single one of these but for your own goddamn mortal soul you need to apologize in private to everyone you tricked with this persona.

cardiotoxin
I know you're quite young and we think we have a more developed moral compass at this age than we do. And I think you truly do not understand the scope of how fucked up this is. What you, and your friends aided by you, did to dozens of people.

allolesbean
ok i will do all of the things you listed. the email will come from an email with a different first name, because [x] is my middle name. is that acceptable? you also need to send me proof that the email is perma-shredded after you look at it.

cardiotoxin
Fine.
You post those notes first.

cardiotoxin
And talk to a goddamn therapist. The guilt about this is going to kill you and if you swallow it, you'll do it again.

allolesbean
my school has free counseling and i will make an appointment tomorrow. a good, healthy person doesn't do something like this. i've been trying to deny that fact for a long time now.

allolesbean
sorry im trying to delete all my other socials for israa and alix right now and its going to take a little while . i will email and then once you send me confirmation of the email being completely gone, i will make my posts.

cardiotoxin
And. Again. If this turns out to just be Alix. I'm past angry. I'm not going to do anything with that information.
Make the posts first, please.
That's more important than proving where the money went.

allolesbean
but i need to know that you will delete it since im going to use my school email

cardiotoxin
Okay. Kid. There are enough lies. Confessing to one more won't make a difference to me. You don't have to send me the receipt link. It would be great if you could get some sort of proof that the money did indeed go to Israa, but, well.
Deep breath. I cannot hurt you other than making you upset. I am not going to touch your life at all. Just let me know. Are you Alix?

allolesbean
i am not alix i swear to you. i know you have no reason to believe me because i spent three hours lying my ass off to you but alix is one of the only people who has ever reached out to me and been consistently nice to me and i wouldnt be able to forgive myself if she was implicated in this.

cardiotoxin
Go make the posts. Don't delete them, please.

allolesbean
i'm going to sign the notes as naj, even though it's not my real name. i just dont want israa or alix to be persecuted online because of me. is that ok? i just want people to understand that i gravely broke their trust and that i'm sorry.

cardiotoxin
Don't sign them as Naj.
Jesus.

allolesbean
ok i will not
its posted on hivliving

cardiotoxin
"i misrepresented myself" Please don't weasel words it
"I lied about having HIV."

allolesbean
im sorry i fixed it

cardiotoxin
Don't thank people. Christ. Don't deflect.

cardiotoxin
You did not JUST lie about your HIV status. Please fix that.

allolesbean
ok how is it now
i'm sorry

cardiotoxin
"i am not a trafficking survivor and i don't live in india. i am not married" like these are also, you know. important
Again, I don't think you grasp the importance of all these intersecting identities when it comes to presenting yourself as a voice for HIV education.
Did you delete your AO3...? Girl...

allolesbean
yeah i told you that

cardiotoxin
Please point out that you lied about your other identities and keep the damn posts up and then APOLOGIZE TO YOUR FRIENDS. Apologize to the people you hurt.
Apologize to the people you hurt with fandom. Post in the goddamn hamilton tag if you need to. And then GO TO THERAPY.

allolesbean
ill tag my hivliving post w/ hamilton
just posted on hivliving

allolesbean
once people reblog it enough so that everyone knows i will be deleting the blogs
i will go to therapy
and i will tell alix and israa. it's going to be the hardest thing i've ever done but i know that i have to

cardiotoxin
Don't delete hivliving.
Did you ever contact other hiv+ on tumblr?
You need to apologize to them first.

allolesbean
no i've never reached out to people on my hiv blog. people have talked to me but i have never initiated a conversation.

cardiotoxin
That's talking, honey. Please apologize to them.

[[She switched blogs here]]

hivliving
ive messaged the most recent people in my message history to tell them

cardiotoxin
Who

hivliving
[4 names], etc

cardiotoxin
No "etc." WHO ELSE?

hivliving
[3 names]

hivliving
just emailed the counselling department at my school

hivliving
how can i avoid getting doxxed? i dont want to get hurt and i dont want the people i live with to get hurt either

cardiotoxin
Do you think anyone's going to be able to tell who you are from you posting a thing that says "I don't have HIV"? No. I only figured out that you were connected to Alix from [COLLEGE] because I clicked the fuck around and have an IP logger and was ACTIVELY trying to find out who this person was, because I was HORRIFIED, and I had been horrified for months, that a person would lie about this.
You told me[x] is your middle name, and I have no way to search for someone middlenamed [x] at [COLLEGE]. I'm sure someone could find that out, but I sure as fuck can't.

hivliving
ok but wouldn't people be actively trying to find out who i am based on what i did?

cardiotoxin
You deleted blueskysapphic, didn't you?
That's how I found everything.

hivliving
yeah

hivliving
ok. i know that this is a weird thing to say but i want to thank you. i know that i would never have stopped if you hadn't figured it out and confronted me so insistently.

cardiotoxin
I have had friends and strangers tell me that the mob you helped lead in Hamilton fandom seriously traumatized them. It looks like there are many people you gave "advice" to. Again, again, again, I don't think you know the scale of what you did. I beg of you, do not do this again. I BEG of you.
Go apologize.

And don't delete anything else! Deleting lets you forget!

hivliving
i have apologized to the best of my ability and i swear that i will be getting help for my obvious problems. i did everyone on tumblr a huge disservice - through my hiv blog, through blueskysapphic, and by using the photos/names of two people i care about. i have caused more harm imaginable.

cardiotoxin
Don't tell me, tell everyone else
Jesus. You don't have to fix it all now. This will take a while. Don't delete, don't block me, and I hope Alix and Israa are all right.

hivliving
im really afraid. i know that its definitely selfish but im so scared. i'm going to leave the blogs up so i can show it to the counselor and let everyone who interacted with me find out about it. also i would really appreciate if you could keep the details of our conversation private (like my name, school, location), but please tell anyone you want to about how i did lie and i did hurt people beyond belief. im just really really scared that ill be doxxed but i will try to push past that because you're right.

hivliving
if i was fucked up and awful enough to do this once, there's a chance that i could do that twice and i would rather die than hurt people like this again. please please if you find out that someone wants to doxx me or has doxxed me, can you tell me? im not actually 18 yet and i feel like even though i need to remember this for the rest of my life i cant let it define my whole life or else ill never stop acting like this

cardiotoxin
Doxxing is illegal. You can contact crash override network if you think you've been doxxed or someone is threatening to do so.
I'll be checking with those names to see if you've apologized. It's probably late where you are. This will take a long time. You can't fix it all tonight. Be better than this. Goodbye for now.

hivliving
i just finished talking to my suitemate. she thinks shes not going to get into grad school because of how her real socials and real info was linked to the "main blog", which was a profoundly awful decision on my part. i want to make this as right as i can to the people who i harmed on tumblr but also IRL, so i think i have an idea: first, i'm going to reblog the posts i made again to increase circulation. and then i'm going to delete this account and remake very quickly as simply @hivliving as the main, with my normal email. i won't block anyone including you, and i will put a screenshot of the most recent posts on hivliving/allolesbean as the content of the new blog. i can also reblog the posts you've made if that would help. would you be okay with this? i'm sorry but i really can't allow her to worry that this will hurt her even further later down the road, especially since the blog ft. all of israa's info was already deleted before we had talked extensively. please let me know if i can do this.

cardiotoxin
Don't you dare
What is your name
And you need to post that xoom receipt
And you need to refund the person who donated

cardiotoxin
Alix deleted her facebook. I told you to delete your facebook to wait for this to calm down if you were afraid of being doxxed. One of the other Hamilton dumpster fire infamy trolls follows Alix on twitter. Followed.
STOP LYING ABOUT THIS. IT WILL NOT MAKE IT BETTER.

hivliving
i literally just spoke to her about this situation what did you expect her to do

cardiotoxin
Why are you so reluctant to tell me your name but you're keen to assure me that Alix is actually HIV+
I don't know why I expect anything from you but lying. I cannot trust anything you say. Do you not understand that??

hivliving
her identity is more at risk than my own. i used her identities to create the main blog, including her social.

cardiotoxin
She's 18 goddamn years old this will be gone in a year
If you don't tell me who you are then of COURSE everyone will thinnk it's her because THEY HAVE NO OTHER OPTION
THEY HAVE NO OTHER OPTION BUT TO THINK THAT IT'S HER. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT?

hivliving
i understand what you mean. how can i make this the most right for the most people without causing any more harm.

cardiotoxin
Explain FULLY
Don't try to knock this off on someone else, don't try to mitigate it, don't delete any more shit
Contact the person who made the donation (who were they???) and REFUND THEM

cardiotoxin
I don't wnat to ask this a thousand more times. Are you Alix?

hivliving
it was lindsay who donated. i have contacted caer and am in the process of refunding caer right now.

cardiotoxin
What is Lindsay's blog
And YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.

hivliving
lindsay's blog is celestiallesbian. she helped me write stuff in the past.
screenshot forthecoming
is it okay if i blur lindsay's last name?

cardiotoxin
Yes

cardiotoxin
I am not going to ask this again
WHAT
IS
YOUR
NAME

hivliving
my middle name is really [x], and i'm not alix.

cardiotoxin
That is not what I asked
If you're not Alix then you REPEATEDLY abused the trust your friend had in you by telling a stranger about her status

cardiotoxin
And yet you are refusing, REFUSING to give up your name
I'm not going to fucking dox you because that is highly illegal in my jursidiction AND in yours
And unlike you, I understand the implications of TERRORIZING eighteen-year-olds

hivliving
i don't know what to do. no matter what i say you wont believe me. i understand why, i have a lot of problems with the truth but i'm trying really hard to be truthful now.

cardiotoxin
Then just tell me your fucking name
Give me your goddamn email address so I can check if it works
If you're so concerned about Alix then MAKE THIS RIGHT and MAKE SURE THAT SHE'S NOT BROUGHT INTO IT

hivliving
i do want to make this right but i dont want to be in danger or have my whole life ruined. i know that's selfish but i'm really scared. really scared.

cardiotoxin
Your life is not going to be ruined
I am not

cardiotoxin
going

hivliving
how do you know

cardiotoxin
to dox
you
Because this happened to me when I was fifteen
And I got yelled at on the internet for a few weeks
And then it went away
And I did better
And it never happened again

hivliving
god but i fucked up so bad. theres literally no way i could have made this worse than what i did. there's no way this will ever go away.

cardiotoxin
That post has, like, 500 notes, you deleted most of the evidence, and there is no way to prove it was you

cardiotoxin
Tumblr is not actually as relevant as you think it is
Get off it sometime and you'll figure this out

hivliving
but there is a way to prove that it was my friend who did literally nothing wrong. i have to tell you my name to even begin fixing this for alix but im so terrified.

cardiotoxin
Just tell me your fucking [college] email address
That way if there are any more donations that you need to refund I can contact you there
You'll lose the address in a couple of years anyways

cardiotoxin
And I. DON'T. DOX. Do you understand me? Besides the  legal implications it would be horrifyingly hypocritical of me, the person who spent their entire fandom career on these blogs cultivating strict anonymity, to put you in danger.

hivliving
does not doxxing include not telling people that i know/are taught by/etc. who dont already know?

cardiotoxin
Yes.

hivliving
i'm sorry i really need to take some deep breaths and get some water. i will send it to you when i get myself collected. i know you've already said it, but can you please say it again? that you're not going to doxx me or try to tell everyone at my school?

cardiotoxin
I promise

hivliving
what about tumblr? are you going to give my email/school/real name to anyone?

cardiotoxin
NO

hivliving
ok sorry one more question, how does this help alix? can't people still track her down? and only you would know my real name and stuff.

cardiotoxin
I am the only one with the whole story
And I know it's not Alix

hivliving
i'm just worried that she'll still get doxxed by someone else even if i confirm my real identity to you. do you think that's possible?

cardiotoxin
No
http://www.crashoverridenetwork.com

hivliving
i will bookmark that thank you
ok i'm all set can you remind me of your email? the one with the shredder

cardiotoxin
[MY EMAIL]@protonmail.com

cardiotoxin
It is five goddamn thirty in the morning and I have work in four hours stop jerking me around

hivliving
its sent

cardiotoxin
[faculty webpage with the same name] Is this you

hivliving
no OMG we just have the same name

cardiotoxin
Is your facebook still active

hivliving
and she goes by [name]. her email is different from mine.
no i disabled it for seven days. i dont have an instagram except for one that i manage for a club that im in.

cardiotoxin
what's the club

hivliving
it's called [x - it's a fucking racial justice/diversity club fjkdaslfjs]

cardiotoxin
[linkedin with picture] Is this you

hivliving
please tell me why youre asking im starting to get scared

cardiotoxin
Because
I hate to break it to you, Alix
[screencap of her twitter profile picture]
But that's you
Fix your self, girl.
Fix your damn self.

hivliving
i keep backpedaling. please dont hurt me or doxx me. please please please i'm going to be better. i have to be better than this.

cardiotoxin
I just googled what [club] is
Girl
Tender your resignation immediately
I'm done with this. I'm done with you.

hivliving
please dont doxx me.

cardiotoxin
I'm not going to.
Go the fuck to sleep.

hivliving
i can't
i shouldn't be able to

cardiotoxin
Was Dia involved

hivliving
no

cardiotoxin
Did she know

hivliving
no one knew until you
i swear on my life.

cardiotoxin
You're aware your word isn't worth much

hivliving
i know. you shouldnt believe me honestly but i swear no one knew. she wouldn't have interacted with me if she knew

cardiotoxin
Go apologize to her

hivliving
i will. what else do i need to do to put this to rest? i cant live on the edge of my seat and thinking that im about to get my life totally ruined. please tell me what to do

hivliving
please i know you dont owe me anything but i dont know what to do. i can take an audio recording of my therapy tomorrow and send it to you. i'm going to tell her everything and i've printed out parts of this conversation and the original blog stuff. i fucked up so bad and i need to make it right but i'm not going to be able to do anything if i'm totally paralyzed.

hivliving
please.

cardiotoxin
i am not responsible for your absolution
that is up to the people you so greviously harmed

hivliving
you're right. i need to make the amends on my own and accept that i won't probably find a lot of forgiveness. but i'm so scared. can we put this on a temporary stay on everything until the morning EST?

cardiotoxin
Go to sleep

cardiotoxin
I can't believe your primary concern was that you couldn't get into grad school.
I mean, I can believe that, but.

hivliving
my primary concern is that i fucked up beyond belief. a lot of things stem from that.

cardiotoxin
I don't need an audio file of your fucking therapy session. You do understand that oversharing shit like that to judge if the person sharing could excuse their behavior or avoid blame was the crux of how you damaged people.
You're not fixing anything trying to make me do what you did.

hivliving
i didn't even realize that was a tactic of mine. shit. that's really bad. i use hyperbole a lot to try to convey that i'm being serious but obviously i used it in an extremely abusive way in addition to the fabrication.Israa doesn't exist, does she
The person you based Israa on

hivliving
the person based loosely on her does exist. no one named israa with that life and story exists though.

cardiotoxin
No, say it out loud
Does Israa exist?

hivliving
israa does not exist in the capacity the identity was utilized on tumblr/other socials

cardiotoxin
You're really not getting what I'm asking, are you
You are completely unable to identify your lie as a lie.

cardiotoxin
Add sobercommunist to the list of people you need to apologize to.

hivliving
it's a lie. and i will. he definitely deserves one even from our very brief interaction.
are you going to dox me on that anonymous forum y'all use? that wouldnt be illegal right

hivliving
it's a lie. and i will. he definitely deserves one even from our very brief interaction.
are you going to dox me on that anonymous forum y'all use? that wouldnt be illegal right

cardiotoxin
No
I am not going to do that
What's Lindsay's email
Because I need to confirm that she got the damn donation refunded

hivliving
her email is [x] and her url is @celestiallesbian

cardiotoxin
Thanks
Now I am going to try to sleep for a hot minute
And you can do whatever the hell

hivliving
no problem. i'm going to sleep too. what do you mean i can do whatever i want?

cardiotoxin
I am not here to give you absolution
I am not the arbiter of morals
I am merely a tired, tired person sickened by what you did
Stop fucking lying
And don't try to excuse yourself
And I will be checking in on your victims
Good night