A quick note about this....note.  If you aren't up for a long story, read the paragraph after this, and then skip to the last one.  Not all of you will be interested in my past.  Either that, or don't read it at all.  Your call.  You did click on this link, after all.

Pretty much anybody who has known me longer than a week can tell that I have not been myself lately.  I have been acting completely weird, depressed, and just all-around strange.  It's pretty obvious that there's something wrong.  I haven't been sleeping normally, and I've barely slept at all for weeks at a time.  I rarely go out and do things anymore that I can't do at home.  I find things boring, and when I do manage to see people, I tend to leave early.  Despite the fact that I have nearly everything that people my age could ever ask for, I am not happy with my life.

A long time ago, before most of you really did know me, I was put ahead a grade in school.  I was looked down upon by almost everybody in grade school.  I had maybe 3 real friends throughout my entire life up until high school.  That is when everything in my head went haywire.  I was a 13 year old kid who had finished freshman year.  I was only 16 years old when I freaking graduated.  Everybody else had a few years to let their brains mature, and even though teenagers make stupid fucking decisions all the time, an 18 year old is still usually smarter than a 16 year old.  Not to mention, when you're growing up and starting high school in my situation, you can take any thoughts of sports and kiss them goodbye.  You really think a high school coach is going to take a 13 year old on a freshman team?  Not happening.  Not surprisingly either, I was hanging around 16-18 year olds when I was 14, and learning things too far ahead of time.  By the time I was 15, I wasn't sleeping more than an hour or two every night.  I was never myself back then, and I felt like I could never be who I wanted to be.  Things have changed of course, because now I'm 21, older, wiser, and I have better means and resources than I every possibly could have had....and really that's true all the way up until I finished college, when I was only 20 years old.  I can't legally drink, but I have a bachelor's degree?  Yeah, you do the work and have the credibility, and STILL be denied basic priviledges of adults.  Let me know how it feels.

After all the time of going through really bizarre relationships and dealing with all sorts of sleep deprivation and depression, I finally found a few niches that I could spend my time on and be at least somewhat happy with.  The problem with "partial happiness" is that it wears off fairly quickly.  Look at anything I've done in the past six or seven years, both interesting things and not-so-interesting things.  All of them have worn off, or have become things I simply cannot do anymore.  My only reward for finishing college was....more college, except harder and less interesting.  I was told it was the other way around, but it turns out that's only for people that know what they want to do with their lives.  Lucky them.  If I knew what I wanted to do, I wouldn't be getting a generic MBA.  I wouldn't be feeling weighted down beyond reproach by the stress and the endless work of this stupid program.  At 21 years old, I've been made to feel like anything I do beyond "staying on schedule" is a failure.  What's my schedule?  Graduate from the MBA program before I turn 23, and find a full-time job.  There was never time to take a year off and be a teenager, or a young adult.  Decisions that I make for myself are only looked down upon with disdain, not just by my parents, but by everybody who hears of them.  There's always some semi-motivational speech that centers around "you can do this" and always ends with "even though you don't want to."  I don't see why I have to do anything at this point in my life.  Dealing with being a year younger than everybody I had to associate myself with daily....for nearly 15 years....and I haven't earned my year back yet?  Well that's cool.  If you're the normal age and still stuck in school, then you should be very grateful right about now that adults, teachers, students and even "friends" haven't broken your spirit yet.

My entire life, I've been notorious for obsessing over ideas.  This is because I cannot get them out of my head.  My mind processes every possible alternate scenario for any situation that I am presented with.  This can be anything.  It can be my future, my relationship, my next year, my next day, my career choice....it doesn't matter what it is.  I will lose sleep over whatever it is, until it is solved.  I will feel my heart beat fast in my chest, and I will get sick to my stomach...and I will not be able to help it.  At this point in time, I feel like I am in high school all over again.  I know what will happen from day to day, and I don't care for it because it is boring.  I don't sleep because I can't make myself sleep, no matter how hard I try.  An 8-hour night of sleep for me consists of waking up at least 10 times in between and falling back asleep.  In between, I will only be able to think about whatever situations I can produce for myself in the future.  A little while back, I put up a status stating that I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I have a mind for design, construction, and balance....and I enjoy video games....so naturally I want to be "that guy" who creates ideas for teams of people to bring to life.  That is a career choice.  Most of you know this about me.  What many of you do NOT know is that I am a keyboardist.  I have never been a "great" piano player, but I can compose music....lots and lots of music....in short time spans, and I love playing music.  The feel of the notes in your soul has no comparison.  It is the equivalent to breathing life into the deceased.  I love playing the keyboard, and I love composing music and writing songs.  It's a hobby that I've also always been afraid of.  I believe I can create incredible music, but if I am wrong....all it takes is for the first people to hear it to reject it, and think it's bad, and I won't want to do it anymore for quite awhile.  I can handle rejection in careers, school, even relationships, but I can't handle the rejection of anything I create for others.  I do not write music for myself.  I do it because I think others will enjoy it.  Regardless, I've never shown any of my works to anybody else.  Also, I've recently discovered that I lost many of the compositions I've created over the years when I moved into my new house.  So even if I wanted to share my works, I can't.  This is part of the reason I have been so upset lately, just one piece of many.

I am not unhappy with my life.  That is not a correct thing to say.  I am unhappy that, for all of the friends I have, very few of them really know the first things about me.  Well, that's what this note is made of.  If you don't want to know me, fine.  That's not entirely what this is about.  If I tagged you in this note, it's because I value your opinion.  It's because I consider you my closest friends.  Some of you might be wondering how you're a part of this.  I haven't seen some of you in a long time.  Others of you might not even like me.  Even more of you might think I'm crazy and want nothing to do with me.  Maybe I rarely talk to you.  Maybe you rarely talk to me.  Maybe you avoid me because I'm strange.  All of these things are fine, and expected, because I do stupid things, I say stupid things, and I drive people away without even realizing it by being angry, weird, or depressed.  I also don't have that many friends, and those of you that I have, I value very highly.  I wrote this note for you to know me better if you wish, but also to apologize for the last month.  I have not been myself, and if I could take back this entire month, I would do it in a second.  Maybe some of you don't feel that way, and I've had good times with some of you, and I very much enjoyed the good times.  I needed them.  I don't ever take my friends for granted.  I value every one of your opinions even when I seem like I don't.  I go out of my way as much as I can to make hanging out with you all as good as it can possibly be.  You're all amazing people, and I wanted to make sure you knew that.  None of you are normal, but you're all amazing.  I know I haven't always been there for all of you.  But many of you have been there for me.  So thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for being my friends.

And forgive me for the last month.  Even though some of my mistakes have no reprieve.