Thread 2: Stories 46-60

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> = Applejack
“…” = Celestia
‘…’ = Shining
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‘Princess, I’ve got a problem and--’

“Beeep. You’ve reached the voicemail of Princess Celestia. She doesn’t care for your problems right now, and probably won’t in the near future. Please walk away and never darken her doorway again.”

‘Princess, please, I’m being serious.’

“And I wasn’t?”

‘It’s just… won’t you pleeeease consider making me an Alicorn?’

“Hell no.”

‘Come on! I feel like I’m sliding more and more into the background every day! My wife hasn’t noticed she’s been greeting a dummy every morning, my own soldiers are starting to side-eye me, and my once-rapist is living with her bug-things in the ballroom! I mean, you made Applejack one!’

“And with good reason as even though I could chuck her into the sun, she’s making changes and bringing a much needed sense of order. You, Shining. You’re being showed up by a Changeling. Not an armada of Changelings. But a single Changeling. Named Applejack 42. Let that sink in for a bit, let it marinate. Got that? Okay. Was there anything else you needed, my dear captain?”

‘...Actually? Yes, there is. What if I best Applejack 42 in combat? Will you make me an Alicorn then?’

“No.”

‘Is that like a maybe?’

“...yes, Shining. Best Applejack 42 and I’ll consider your ascension to Alicorn status.”

‘OH MY LUNA YES!’

*Shining races from the room, right as Applejack enters*

>Huh, what’s got his fetlocks all in a twist…?

“Oh, I just made him an offer. If he can beat Applejack 42, I’ll consider making him an Alicorn.”

>...that’s mighty cruel of ya, ‘Tia.

“Why, whatever do you mean, Applejack?”

>We both know 42’s lightyears ahead’a Shinin’ in terms of fightin’. It ain't happenin'. And even if he did somehow manage to win, y’all wouldn’t consider it anyway, would ya?

“Hell no. But while I deal with fixing every little problem you bring to my waning attention, I figure I could use some extra entertainment.”

>Like Ah said. Cruel.

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>Changeling Applejack
"Shining Armor"
'Applejack 42'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Okay, buster, I know you're hiding that rogue Changeling! Cough him up and there won't be no trouble!

"...You're kidding, right?"

>I'M ON TO YOU!

"How did you get in my room?"

>Because I-Wait, your room? Then why do none of the pictures have you in them? They're almost all the pink and purple ones.

"My wife decorated. "

>Ah hah! No pony would ever marry you! I've got you now!

"You were at my wedding."

>...Oh sweet cocoon of the elder, that was real?

"Can I help you? Help you leave, preferably? Applejack number...."

>I don't know. I WAS Applejack two, but honestly the pressure really got to me. I was up most nights wondering if I really had what to took to be Applejack two. Could you imagine the anxiety I was going through? Being THAT important?

"Can't say I do."

>I wanted to be Applejack sixty five, but, well, things happened. I'm just Applejack at the moment. So I've decided to use this task as a final test! If I succeed, I'm worthy of being Applejack ten!

"You mean two?"

>Hell no, that's way too hard.

"Fine, you know what? He's over there. Chewing on my diploma. The one thing in my life I still had pride for."

>....Has he been there the whole time? Why didn't you say anything?

"Honestly, I've been talking to him this whole time and pretending he was listening to me."

'I wasn't."

"He wasn't, but it was nice to pretend for a bit, wasn't it?"

>...You've got issues.
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Allllllllllllllrighty then!

The doors of the ballroom burst open dramatically as Shining bursts into the area with sheer determination etched into his features.

"APPLEJACK!!"

About 60 or so changlings turn to him.

_Yes?_ They call to him in unison.

"I meant, AppleJack 42..." He feebly shrinks under the gaze of all these changelings. 42, hearing him, steps out from the throng of bug-like ponies. He appears different now. He wears a helmet that crudely appears to be forged from several helms, as well as wearing a ribbon around his upper right leg, probably to help distinguish him.

_Yes?_ He asks Shining in a bored sounding voice. _You aren't going to have me fight another smattering of my brethren are you?_

"Nope." Shining grins. "Just me!"

42 raises an eyebrow. _You're serious...?_

"Of course!"

_Seriously serious?_

"Yeah!!"

_I killed dozens of my brethren without even really trying..._

"Oh yeah! Well I... I er... um..." Shining stops a second to contemplate, then perks up visibly as if having thought of a great reply. "I wipe the floor with ponies at Hyperspace Hyperwars!"

_..._

"...What? Let's do this!!"
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Shining Armour wastes little time in charging his foe! He boldly dashes and darts at the speed of light, deftly jumping over his many changeling obstacles to get to the one true target. AppleJack 42! He uppercuts a frothing changeling, sweeping out another ones hindlegs with a well practised low kick from the ancient Equestrian fighting style of Hi Xao Hoof. Like a ninja, he smacks the forefront of his front hoof against the sternum of a changeling brute, a very large changeling, like a mini boss, and sends him reeling, to which he barrels into many others.

"I can take you all on!!" Our mighty hero bellows to the massing tide of insectoid equines.

He mad-rushes in a straight line toward his nemesis, 42! On approach, 42 sights the powerful opponent known as Shining Armour and visibly cowers at his stunning good looks and amazing magical prowess. He whimpers, knowing he cannot best this amazing excuse for a stallion, wishing to resign himself to a bucket of Flim & Flam's Phish Food, drowning his sorrows in soap operas.

But alas, too late! He is struck a haphazard blow! Felled in a single swoop of our hero's hoof!

~Meanwhile, in reality.~

"Shining!! BBBFF!!"

_I think I may of hit him too hard..._

>"What'da y'all reckon he's thinkin' about?"
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>Twilight
"Applejack"
'Shining Armor'
Spike.
~~~~~~~~~

>Don't worry, Shiny! I'm sure you'll beat him next time!

"...Twi-"

'Yeah, don't bother sugar coating that. How could I have lost so badly?'

...Is nobody going to ask the obvious question?

>I'm sure he just caught you by surprise.

No, seriously, we're not going to bring up that little thing?

"Ah'm betting Applejack 42 is jus' a bit too well trained. Maybe all those years' of peace didn't really prepare ya' for it."

I mean, I'm not even talking about Cadence here. I'm not asking where she is. How are you all forgetting his shiel-

>SPIKE! Do you MIND!? My BBBFF is feeling depressed and you are not helping! Go sit in the corner!

But it's designed specifically to keep out-

>CORNER! NOW!

Oh come on, we can't-

>THAT'S IT! NO GEMS FOR A WEEK!

Okay, Twi, I eat those. You are telling me not to eat for a week. This isn't like a cake or something-*poof*

"Where'd ya' send him?"

>To his room.

"....In ponyville?"

>Probably.

'...Wait, what was he saying before you sent him off?'

"Probably nothin' important.'

'I guess.'
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>Applejack
‘Chrysalis’
“Shining”
Spike
___

>Salutations, Chrysalis.

‘…’

>Where the hell’s yer’ dictionary? Here, never let it go. Ah said ‘hello’. What’s goin’ on here? Why’s Applejack 42 beatin' the tar outta Shinin’ like… oh, that’s right.

‘Yeah, something about a bet, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention, but it is funny watching 42 bounce Shining like yoyo all over the room.’

>For once, Ah’m with ya there. Say, Chrys’? Anytime y’all wanna get all intelligent again and help with the budget and other problems? Lemme know.

‘Huh? When did I do that?’

>...Ah’m gonna get y’all smart again, Ah swear it.

Hey, guys! Applejack, I brought those healthcare records you asked for up to your room.

>Yer a lil’ soldier, Spike. Thanks.

No problem. So how’s Shining going with his bet?

“OH SWEET MERCIFUL LUNA GET IT OFF ME!”

>…

‘…’

…Never mind, I think I know.

>Hang in there, Shinin’! Anyway, let’s get goin’, Spike.

Alright, AJ. See ya later, Chrysalis.

‘Bye, Applejack and purple dragon!’

“WHY IS NOPONY HELPING ME?”

'Hook him in the eye, 42! There you go, now kick him between the legs!'
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>Shining
"Applejack 42"
'Cadence'
~~~~~~~~~~

>Alight... I think... I have you....

"ALRIGHT ENOUGH! I don't know what point you were trying to make, but you made it! Just.... just flip the switch and beat me already dammnit!

>....I'm sorry, concussion is taking over, could you repeat that?

"I know you can beat me! I was banging my head on your shield in Canterlot for DAYS. You shoved me THROUGH a rock when you rocketed me! Just stop already! Is this a sex thing!? Are you getting off on this!? MAKE IT STOP!"

>....Oh sweet Celestia I have a shield.

"Yes! Now would you just..... no."

>Uh.

"No. No no no no no no no. Nooope. You did not."

>I did.

"Didn't. Did not. Liar. You are lying to me."

>I'm not.

"This isn't funny."

>I'm sure it is to Applejack.

"Which one?"

>Exactly.

"...Why didn't your wife point this out?"

>I haven't seen her in days.

"Ouch.... wanna go grab a bite to eat? I still have that old record your wife threw out."

>Oh, of course you do. It only cost me half of my life savings. You know what? Yes, Applejack 42, I will eat with you. Just promise you will pretend to listen to me for a bit.

"I'm not actually going to."

>I said pretend.

"Kay."

~~~~~~Meanwhile, with Cadence~~~~~~~

'Honey, do you think this saddle makes my butt look big?'

*Plush Shining Armor just sits there*

'Oh you dirty little thing? Maybe I'll wear it... later?'

*Continues to be immobile*

'I knew you'd like that.'
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Might as well make a total tally so everyone can pick from whatever idea they like.

>Everything is wrong with Equestria.
>Applejack attempts to ask Celestia a question, she reacts hilariously.
>The regular ponies are terribly incompetent.
>It's all Celestia's fault.
>Luna is steadfastidly avoiding doing princess work.
>Celestia needs her cakes
>All of the princesses do, in fact.
>The guards are incompetent because Shining Armor is a terrible captain of the guard.
>Shining Armor wants to be an Alicorn and feels unappreciated.
>Cadence doesn't notice and often thinks a giant plush Shining Armor is the real thing. She also tends to give away SA's stuff.
>Twilight notices and is crazy protective.
>Twilight tends to act like she's five whenever she's with Shining Armor.
>Cadence can't do any princess stuff, and can't count.
>Discord made Fluttershy an Alicorn and she can apparently counter his magic now
>Applejack's family doesn't know where she is.
>Queen Chrysalis has a frighteningly limited vocabulary, and her government is essentially her commanding a bunch of changelings.
>She has also set up next to the CE, much to Shining Armor's dismay, though Cadence doesn't mind because of free make-up products
>All of the Changelings are named Applejack.
>There is currently a debate as to which Changeling gets to be which number Applejack.
>The previous Applejack 2 has anxiety problem's from being Applejack 2 and wants to be a bigger number.
>Introducing Applejack 42, a fierce Changeling that bested his brethren and wears a dilapidated helmet.
>Giving coffee to Chrysalis grants her an abnormal mental boost.
>Shining has undertaken a futile bet with Celestia to beat AJ42 in order to become an Alicorn, even though he'll never succeed and it's mostly for her entertainment.
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>You are Celestia.
>Made AJ an Alicorn.
>It’s all ruined now.
“Applejack! Applejack get down from that chandelier!”
>”Ah can’t! Ah don’t know how these wings work!”
“For the love of cake, here!”
>You zap her with magic, and she floats back to the ground floor.
>”Thank ya kindly, Princess! Now what was it ya wanted?”
“Equestria is starving, crops are failing, we’re being invaded by caribou, and we’re out of cake!”
>”yeah?”
>…
“So what the hay did you DO?!”
>Princess Applejack scratches her horned head for a moment, before replying.
>”Oh! Well Ah got stung by a nasty bee, so Ah turned all the bees in Equestria to apples!”
“WHAT?”
>”And Ah might have turned all the other crops ‘n’ Equestria to apples….”
“WHY?”
>”…And all the trees.”
“You’ve single-hoofedly destroyed Equestria’s entire crop industry. Do you have anything to say for all the thousands that are currently starving to death right now?”
>”…Well, Ah’m real sorry!”
“That doesn’t make it right, Applejack. We’ll need to ship food in now! And what of the invasion? How can we expect to maintain an effective defense with no FOOD?”
>”Well ya don’t throw food at’em, ya throw spears!”
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>Her friends burst into the room, including the new alicorn Fluttershy.
>Twilight rushes up to you.
>”Princess Celestia! Ponyville was taken by the Caribou!”
>How could this be?
“How?! Ponyville was home to TWO ALICORNS! Surely the two of you could have held them back!”
>Fluttershy blushes.
>”Oh, um… I forgot.”
>Worthless pony. Discord will pay for his hand in her alicornizing.
>But even alone, Twilight is a powerful magic pony, she could have done it herself.
“What’s your excuse, Twilight?”
>A slight hotness enters her eyes.
>”I had to save my brother! The Crystal Empire is occupied as well.”
“Oh for… Luna’s sake! Where is your brother, and where is Cadence for that matter?”
>”They’re already organizing the guards.”
>Time for a hasty plan.
“Alright… Twilight and Fluttershy, I need you to levy a militia from the city and the nearby settlements. Can you do this?”
>”What about my brother? Can he come?”
“No! He’s got his little things to do! Run along now!”
>They both take flight.
>You turn to speak with Applejack.
“Applejack! I need-“
>She’s gone.
>”Up here! Sorry Princess.”
>You look up. She’s back on the fucking chandelier.
“Get DOWN!”
>You grab her with your magic and send her crashing down to the floor.
“Applejack, go get my sister!”
>”Where is she?”
“Probably playing her… Pokemen or whatever in her room. Go now.”
>AJ blushes.
“…What is it?”
>”Uh… Ah don’t know where Luna’s room is.”
>Dammit. You grab a guard from beside the door.
“YOU! Take Princess Applejack to Luna’s chambers.”
>The guard nods.
>”Okay ma’am.”
“Excuse me?!”
>He salutes sharply.
>”I mean YES YOUR MAJESTY!”
>The two of them run off, and now you can check on Shining Armor and Cadence.
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"Hey, Princess? Ya' got a minute?"

>No, Applejack. I do not. For you see, time is a metaphysical thing, not something I can 'have' per-say. It would very much be like trying to 'have' sanity or hope for this conversation. They exist, but only as an idea, not a real thing.

"...Right, anyway, jus' wanted ta' ask, how do ya'll do it?"

>I unhinge my jaw and just kind of shove the cakes in there. You'd be amazed at how much I can eat when I don't have to breath.

"Not what I meant."

>Alright fine, yes, the rumors are true. I'm diabetic.

"...Really?"

>Hah! No. Immortal princess powers rule.

"Kay. Back on topic, how do ya'll keep the stuff in Everfree out of our towns?"

>What?

"It's jus', there's hydras and dragons and giant eel monsters within' walkin' distance of Ponyville, but they never attack or anything like that."

>Oh, the answer to that one is simple. Landmines.

"Landmines."

>Yep. Just set them so that ponies are too light to set them off, and problem solved... although that one Fillyscout troop did have a... regrettable location for a gathering.

"Huh. Guess they learned pretty quick>"

>Unlike you.

"Is that dangerous?"

>When in doubt, put the blame on me.
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"Princess Celestia?"

>NO! For you see, I am not Princess Celestia! Rather, I am Princess Luna! Cleverly disguised as Celestia in order to steal all her cakes! But now that you know the truth, I must destroy you to keep my secret! Flee! Flee from me for your very life! MWAHAHAHAHA!

"......."

>.......Damn, hoped that might work. What did you need?

"Ah' need ya' ta' sign this."

>Normally I'd sign without question in order to get you out of my sight, but I'm noticing a very large number on that paper. What's this about?

"Backpay."

>....backpay?

"Yeah. Spike's been workin' fer' Twilight under yer' orders fer going on ten years now, and he ain't seen one bit. After roundin' down the average pay wage for an assistant like him, doing a bit of number crunchin', deductin' back taxes, lodging an food, and payin' him fer' all the missed vacation days he wasn't ever provided, along with any hazard pay fer' assisting Twilight, and travels fee fer' the inter dimensional stuff, this is what it came out as."

>.....That's a big number.

"And it's all comin' out of yer cake budget, missy. Next time ya' wanna get some free labor, try not ta' pick the dragon that helped me file all the paperwork ya' mismanaged."

>...Can't we just say he's a minor? Dragon aging is a bit weird.

"Do ya' really think Ah' won't use that excuse ta' charge ya' even MORE for violatin' child labor laws?"

>Touche', Princess Applejack, tou-bucking-che'.
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>You walk out to the courtyard to find Shining Armor commanding the royal guards, while Cadence is just kinda… There.
>”ATTEEEEEENTION!”
>The rows of royal guards stamp their hooves and straighten up.
>”According to our current intelligence, the Caribou has swept through every Northern city and settlement, and now they’re to our South as well, going as close as Ponyville. Until now, the invaders have gone virtually unopposed as they pillaged our great nation, but soon they will face the might of the royal guard, and we will crush their armies and burn their ships!”
>You notice that the night guards are absent from the thousands of soldiers, but those standing before you are spirited and brave.
>The guards begin to rhythmically bang their spear butts on the stone tiles.
>”Canterlot is the jewel of equestria; it is where we are our strongest, but if we lose, it is also where the war ends. We decide the fate of our country! We decide the future of all ponykind! We MUST WIN!”
>Shining Armor throws a hoof dramatically in the air.
>”FOR EQUESTRIA!!”
>The guards answer him back, shouting and roaring and clanging their armor.
>”Now let’s go to Las Pegasus and kill us some Caribou!”
>The guards roar and charge out of the courtyard.
“Shining Armor.”
>The captain turned prince turns around, out of breath from his performance.
>”Oh, Princess Celestia! I didn’t know you were watching. Did you see how riled up I got them? I’m such a good leader!”
“Did you really just send them to Las Pegasus?”
>He thinks for a bit, before dashing out the gates after them.
>”Guys! GUYS! WAAIIT!”
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>APPLEJACK!

"Princess, so nice of ya'll ta' seek me out fer' a change!

>APPLEJACK!

"Yep, still mah' name. Since yer' here, Ah' have these forms that Ah' need you ta'"

>AAAPPPPPLLLLLLJAAAAAAAAAACK!

"....Ya seem upset."

>I will burn your body, I will devour the marrow from twixt your bones, I will consume the mind that has brought me such to this state of hate, and I shall engorge myself on your very SOUL until the hole in my sanity is filled with your essence! And then, oh, and then! I shall pay my tribute unto you, PRINCESS APPLEJACK!

"This about the cake thing?"

>YOU GAVE HIM MY ENTIRE BUDGET FOR SIX BUCKING MONTHS!

"Yeah, well, that's what the compound interest came out as. Iffin' ya' had just payed the little bugger ta' start out with, Ah' wouldn't have even taken a month's worth."

>Give back the one thing that still brings me joy, or I will BURN EQUESTRIA TO THE GROUND! I swear it, Applejack! TEST ME, I DARE YOU!

"Will ya'll relax? Ah' jus' took it out of Cadence's budget. Told her she messed up on somethin' and we needed that funding ta' cover it. She didn't even ask me what it was, just said okay and singed the bill."

>....Thank you.

"Don't mention it."

>And if you would likewise never mention the whole 'burn equestria to the ground' thing, I would be extra appreciative.

"Appreciative enough ta' give me some of that funding fer' the homeless shelter?"

*POP!*

"...friggen Apple Family Tradition."
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>Um… Princess, how long ya plan on lettin’ Shinin’ throw himself at AJ42 like an egg against a brick wall?

“I’m going to ride that carriage until the wheels fall off, Applejack. Does that answer your question?”

>Well, Ah guess Ah can see yer point. This IS teachin’ him to utilize new tactics and think more goal-orientated, be quick on the feet an’ all that.

“I wasn’t really thinking all that deeply into it, dear, but I cannot deny the merits. Personally, I’m just enjoying how the castle shakes every time he’s thrown into a wall.”

>Nice tuh see how the Princess of Equestria gets her jollies, Ah s’pose….

“Your life is but a mustard seed compared to mine, Applejack. When you’ve lived as long as I have--

>Ya learn to laugh at the misfortune of others as a way to cope with the ever-loomin’ stress of a kingdom that you yerself set on a crumblin’ plateau because the prospect of eatin’ cake is more important than, say, the education of fillies and colts?

“…”

>Yeah, that’s all yer fault.

"I just got baited, didn't I? I should've seen that coming...."

>Ya really should've.
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