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Feb 28th, 2016
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  1. [2:21:27 AM] ZenithBrutality: You turned your back on something youre passionate about
  2. [2:21:36 AM] ZenithBrutality: to the friends you should have treated better
  3. [2:21:44 AM] ZenithBrutality: To something that was important to you
  4. [2:21:55 AM] V♤ID: Again: you don't know what's going on, stop assuming things about me.
  5. [2:22:03 AM] ZenithBrutality: Well, you left parp.
  6. [2:22:11 AM] V♤ID: Who ever your source is doesn't know the full discourse.
  7. [2:22:12 AM] ZenithBrutality: So that's a true statement.
  8. [2:22:22 AM] ZenithBrutality: Am I wrong on that?
  9. [2:22:32 AM] V♤ID: I did, but not for the reasons you're giving.
  10. [2:23:13 AM] ZenithBrutality: The only reason I gave was loose, it had to do with the people being fake
  11. [2:23:19 AM] ZenithBrutality: You still turned your back.
  12. [2:23:31 AM] V♤ID: It's called 'Taking a break'.
  13. [2:23:42 AM] V♤ID: Falling back and regrouping.
  14. [2:24:01 AM] ZenithBrutality: And when you return?
  15. [2:24:03 AM] V♤ID: I need time to think and not have to handle 'he said, she said, you said'
  16. [2:24:10 AM] ZenithBrutality: Are you planning on doing anything?
  17. [2:24:22 AM] V♤ID: I'm working on getting a job and taking care of me first, before taking care of others.
  18. [2:24:28 AM] ZenithBrutality: That's a good thing.
  19. [2:25:32 AM] V♤ID: So, no, I'm not 'turning my back' on the things I'm passionate about. Unfortunately, taking care of me, my IRL situation, and my pets takes precedence over MSPARP and roleplaying.
  20. [2:25:46 AM] ZenithBrutality: Whatever your reasons are, since apparently I have been told wrong, whatever.
  21. [2:26:10 AM] V♤ID: I'm under the assumption Andrew told you?
  22. [2:26:24 AM] ZenithBrutality: I'm under the assumption you just want a target.
  23. [2:26:32 AM] ZenithBrutality: There are more people than Andrew.
  24. [2:26:47 AM] ZenithBrutality: Not to mention, what I can see on Msparp.
  25. [2:27:12 AM] V♤ID: It's not like I left a fat 'goodbye' letter like Strider did.
  26. [2:29:14 AM] ZenithBrutality: No, and he returned anyway, so that's irrelevant. But I do hope, for other peoples sakes, and given our past conversation, that you aren't just running away. I really don't know to be honest why, or if I could even believe you, for all I know you could be serving me up a pile of bs. But the reasons aren't so far fetched.
  27. [2:29:57 AM] ZenithBrutality: Because I believe that you can change whatever persona you have with the people that can actually be decent friends, or the people who look up to you.
  28. [2:32:07 AM] V♤ID: It's been a long time coming. That much is apparent since leaving. It's like a giant burden of stress and god knows what else has fallen off my shoulders. I was actually cordial and worked well with my mother today, versus us being at each others' throats practically all month.
  29. [2:32:23 AM] V♤ID: I made up my mind last night that I'd go.
  30. [2:35:26 AM] ZenithBrutality: Well then I genuinely mean this, good on you for heading greater paths for yourself in rl, getting a job and everything else. I'm glad you are looking in a positive direction for this. Tbh, whether or not you would speak the truth to me, doesn't matter, as long as your heart is shooting the right direction.
  31. [2:35:28 AM] ZenithBrutality: But know this.
  32. [2:35:40 AM] ZenithBrutality: I don't think you may have come across clear to others.
  33. [2:35:53 AM] ZenithBrutality: As far as permanent/taking a break, and your reasons.
  34. [2:36:04 AM] ZenithBrutality: Now they might not even be in a place where you want them to know your reasons
  35. [2:36:15 AM] ZenithBrutality: But I thought I would put that out there.
  36. [2:36:49 AM] ZenithBrutality: And one more thing.
  37. [2:38:09 AM] ZenithBrutality: The truth always turns up one way or another, so, if you don't want me know something, you can do so without lying. That is. If you are. I know you wouldn't tell me.
  38. [2:40:06 AM] V♤ID: I don't really like most people being in my biz... It's not a lie, if I do genuinely believe it. I told you the other night, I'd had that feeling, that itch, that shit wasn't quite as peachy as it seems on the outside. And it definitely made sense, going along the thought of how I've practically been unchecked up until this point, when stress made it 10x worse than it already was.
  39. [2:40:43 AM] V♤ID: I've always been a somewhat paranoid, insecure person at heart. That's why I pretend that shit doesn't bother me.
  40. [2:41:19 AM] ZenithBrutality: Maybe not a lie, but not telling the whole truth is also another form of lying. At least, I was always raised to believe that. Deceit is still deceit.
  41. [2:41:29 AM] ZenithBrutality: If you don't want me to know just tell me directly
  42. [2:41:36 AM] ZenithBrutality: "Lay off."
  43. [2:41:47 AM] ZenithBrutality: Id rather be told that than lied to.
  44. [2:41:50 AM] V♤ID: I'm just confused about where you're getting this information.
  45. [2:42:04 AM] ZenithBrutality: And I can respect being told off
  46. [2:42:29 AM] V♤ID: I wasn't aware that anyone outside of maybe Muffet and Andrew were in your friend circle in that group.
  47. [2:42:41 AM] ZenithBrutality: As far as the information, I just don't like disclosing names. If you are being true to yourself it wont matter
  48. [2:42:43 AM] V♤ID: And I don't think Glub would've told you.
  49. [2:42:47 AM] ZenithBrutality: And heres a secret
  50. [2:43:46 AM] ZenithBrutality: Most of the time I can deal with being lied to, what I don't like is being lied about. A lie like this wouldn't be nearly as bad as the liars I have dealt with in my life. and there have been a lot, so ive gotten pretty good about sniffing out a lie.
  51. [2:43:58 AM] ZenithBrutality: As I said lies don't even matter, if your heart is in the right place.
  52. [2:44:45 AM] ZenithBrutality: In any case, if you are leaving for good and just not telling me.
  53. [2:44:47 AM] ZenithBrutality: Just know
  54. [2:45:28 AM] ZenithBrutality: Apologies can go a long way, if its something you've done, and breaking away from the people that aren't honest with you. Alternatively, confronting them about mutual lack of honesty- maybe not a lie, but what hasn't been spoken aloud.
  55. [2:46:33 AM] ZenithBrutality: Let me be honest with you.
  56. [2:47:50 AM] ZenithBrutality: Void I know youre in a bad, personal place, with bad, personal influences. You have your reasons, be it justified or not. You don't have to fix everything, you just have to move forward to something better. But I do know you are good on the inside. I want to see that again.
  57. [2:47:55 AM] ZenithBrutality: And you can call it what you want
  58. [2:48:18 AM] ZenithBrutality: Maybe I'm an asshole, you could put a bad label on it and call it meddling, even. Maybe I shouldn't bother at all.
  59. [2:48:51 AM] ZenithBrutality: But there is a certain attachment I personally can never throw away from another person I know has potential.
  60. [2:49:33 AM] ZenithBrutality: I hope to see you be a successful individual, just as another individual who sees that you can be successful.
  61. [2:50:52 AM] ZenithBrutality: You might not listen to me or consider a single word I say but
  62. [2:51:06 AM] ZenithBrutality: If you can do it for yourself then that's all the matters.
  63. [2:52:56 AM] V♤ID: I just get this creeping feeling at the back of my neck, that you're condemning me a lot more than everyone else is, though. And then you're spurring me on to condemn myself, even though the last month has been hellbent by stress and IRL shit hitting the metaphorical wind blender. I'm always paranoid to this sort of stuff.
  64. [2:53:25 AM] ZenithBrutality: If you could hear my voice now, you would know that I am genuine.
  65. [2:53:47 AM] ZenithBrutality: Unfortunately the same can never be certain for text.
  66. [2:53:55 AM] ZenithBrutality: So I guess you'll just have to take my word.
  67. [2:54:12 AM] ZenithBrutality: I have been outright with all of my issues, void
  68. [2:54:28 AM] ZenithBrutality: All of my cards are laid down
  69. [2:54:50 AM] ZenithBrutality: Its hard for me to not care about you. Yeah, you piss me off sometimes.
  70. [2:55:03 AM] ZenithBrutality: But you couldn't piss me off more than my mother does.
  71. [2:55:05 AM] ZenithBrutality: I still love her.
  72. [2:56:23 AM] ZenithBrutality: I just want you to be real
  73. [2:56:41 AM] ZenithBrutality: I'm sorry if that in itself feels like condemning
  74. [2:57:19 AM] V♤ID: Wherein my problem lies- it's a cyclical paradox of sorts. If you're genuine, that means that a majority of the people who 'tolerate' me are fake, or at least, are perceived to be fake... so you're kind of making yourself out to be an authority, of sorts- but if... not necessarily that you're not being genuine, but you're wrong or misguided by some degree, wouldn't that make the majority of those people not-fake? I don't know, Andrew's talking philosophy about heart aspects in the other chat, and I've had a really long night full of booze and long car rides to and from Albany, not to mention a heart to heart with glub.
  75. [2:58:05 AM] V♤ID: I'm also still steamed at Sage.
  76. [2:58:07 AM] ZenithBrutality: You can make your choice with what to believe, Void. But I think youre heart will tell you the truth.
  77. [2:58:27 AM] V♤ID: Sage was more so a final breaking point this afternoon...
  78. [2:58:37 AM] ZenithBrutality: I'm not quite sure what you entail by an authority, however
  79. [2:59:45 AM] V♤ID: Well. To be honest, you're really the only one telling me I need to change. I've spoken to Strider, to Andrew, vaguely to Sage, and to Glub... all of the other people who I consider/ed friends.
  80. [2:59:58 AM] V♤ID: Yes, Andrew did call me out.
  81. [3:00:02 AM] V♤ID: And I'm working on that.
  82. [3:00:19 AM] V♤ID: But you're the only one who's making it so doomy and, well... heavy.
  83. [3:01:04 AM] ZenithBrutality: Again, not everyone might feel so strongly or have felt the same things- I honestly don't know your full contact with these characters, except for maybe Andrew, but that's only because we have gravitated around each other since the dawn of time.
  84. [3:01:22 AM] ZenithBrutality: I hate that nobody else is standing up and saying something directly to you.
  85. [3:01:50 AM] V♤ID: I've more or less had to go to them.
  86. [3:01:58 AM] V♤ID: Which is fine- but.
  87. [3:02:11 AM] V♤ID: Strider said I needed a break, and Glub didn't really comment on it.
  88. [3:02:31 AM] V♤ID: Sage only spoke to me really shortly, before I fucked off for a few hours, then came back to him upset at me.
  89. [3:02:40 AM] V♤ID: Because (before I spoke to Glub)
  90. [3:03:02 AM] V♤ID: Glub had been speaking to him about something that occurred nearly a month ago.
  91. [3:03:06 AM] V♤ID: And he was upset by it.
  92. [3:03:21 AM] V♤ID: Even though I'd apologized a million times by now about it.
  93. [3:03:29 AM] V♤ID: And there's really not much I can do to make it up.
  94. [3:04:53 AM] ZenithBrutality: I really cant say much on the situation, I wasn't there nor do I know what happened but.
  95. [3:04:58 AM] ZenithBrutality: The only thing you can do
  96. [3:05:07 AM] ZenithBrutality: Is apologize and try to make things better.
  97. [3:05:18 AM] ZenithBrutality: If they don't accept that, then that's out of your hands
  98. [3:05:22 AM] V♤ID: I've already done that. :/ Sage went to bed before I spoke to Glub.
  99. [3:06:37 AM] ZenithBrutality: But maybe, if this has anything to do with the conversation we had prior, which I don't know how long said "persona" has been going on- due to being gone for a while-
  100. [3:06:51 AM] ZenithBrutality: A change needs to happen before they can accept the apology
  101. [3:07:13 AM] ZenithBrutality: Maybe only see it as words that don't mean anything... afterall if you aren't changing your actions
  102. [3:07:31 AM] ZenithBrutality: then a person has to go by that.
  103. [3:11:17 AM | Edited 3:11:34 AM] V♤ID: I don't know if this is a persona- I don't really switch how I act with most people, I think... other than Claire... Because I sure as hell am not going to nuzzle up to half the people I know and call them cute.
  104. [3:11:45 AM] ZenithBrutality: I know that this isn't who you are.
  105. [3:12:02 AM] ZenithBrutality: And if it is, there is nothing keeping you from striving to be someone better.
  106. [3:12:33 AM] V♤ID: But you also met me when I was broken, depressed, and trying to get better. When I treated you with preference because I was crushing on you.
  107. [3:12:36 AM | Edited 3:13:23 AM] ZenithBrutality: Everyone is made up of both parts, innate and what they build themselves to.
  108. [3:13:26 AM] V♤ID: Like, I don't know if you remember, but I'd pretty much been crushing on you for ~75% of the time I'd known you before the break.
  109. [3:13:42 AM] ZenithBrutality: Please,
  110. [3:13:46 AM] ZenithBrutality: don't call it the break.
  111. [3:14:06 AM] ZenithBrutality: Nothing even ever actually ended up being formed
  112. [3:14:17 AM] V♤ID: But we took a break away from each other, as people.
  113. [3:14:25 AM] ZenithBrutality: I suppose.
  114. [3:14:43 AM] V♤ID: I wasn't thinking of it as a 'break up', because I would've said break up, I think...
  115. [3:15:04 AM] ZenithBrutality: Eh, it sounds similar to me, but it doesn't matter.
  116. [3:15:06 AM] V♤ID: I'd almost been imagining something similar to spring break, mentally.
  117. [3:15:40 AM] V♤ID: Which is weird, because we definitely weren't on Miami beach slugging down 3ft beers and getting dangerously flirty with men from rivaling colleges.
  118. [3:15:48 AM] V♤ID: Anyway.
  119. [3:16:07 AM] ZenithBrutality: Void, I cannot believe that you are actually this individual that you have been acting out.
  120. [3:16:20 AM] ZenithBrutality: By cannot believe I don't mean that in astonishment
  121. [3:16:27 AM | Edited 3:16:39 AM] ZenithBrutality: I just generally cant see that
  122. [3:16:57 AM] V♤ID: But I want to keep reminding you that my behavior has been exacerbated by the hell month of stress I've been under.
  123. [3:17:10 AM] ZenithBrutality: But this has been going on for longer than that
  124. [3:18:58 AM] ZenithBrutality: Even if that was the only case, as much as stress can amplify, you can choose whether or not to act with it. Its not always easy... that's when you take a step back to breath, think about what you are doing before you do it.
  125. [3:19:46 AM] ZenithBrutality: I know that that is easier said than done but its also tipped scales southward further than you might think.
  126. [3:20:49 AM] ZenithBrutality: As long as you realize that you have a choice, and make an effort to rebel and make something better of yourself then it can be amended.
  127. [3:20:58 AM] ZenithBrutality: Stress is always going to be there.
  128. [3:21:29 AM] ZenithBrutality: You cant change that, whether its in large amounts or small, so you have to find a coping mechanism
  129. [3:21:48 AM] ZenithBrutality: I am a person with an incredibly short temper.
  130. [3:22:09 AM] ZenithBrutality: Sometimes I don't always succeed in my efforts to pin this down. I can admit that
  131. [3:22:27 AM] ZenithBrutality: But I have reduced it by a lot in choosing how to deal with it.
  132. [3:23:15 AM] ZenithBrutality: Taking it out on other people though, that is reacting.
  133. [3:23:49 AM] ZenithBrutality: And, I know this is going to sound cheezy as fuck but its true
  134. [3:24:22 AM] ZenithBrutality: Reacting is letting your mind and emotions take control of you rather than you saying no, and taking control of them.
  135. [3:27:26 AM] V♤ID: Hhhhh. I've gotta go. My girlfriend is getting jealous.
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