GSiE (5): Never Give a Horse a Jalapeno

Chapter 5: Never give a horse a jalapeno.
>You and M walk into the bar, taking a seat at the counter
>M sets the saddle he was wearing besides him
>”What can I get you two?” The tender asks.
>”Whiskey. Make it a double.”
>”Can do boss. How about you, friend?” The barkeep looks at M
>”Oh. Uh...” M looks at you nervously.
>”Get him a whiskey and a glass of water.” You say to the bartender.
>The keep nods, and quickly pours the drinks.
>After a moment, you have your drink.
>You take a sip, and look at the keep.
>”So, what do ya know about the night life in this part of town?” You ask with a slight smile.
>”Well boss, this place is pretty slow. Not much to do in this town besides eat at the restaurants, drink at this here bar, and be bored at your friend's house.”
>Sounds like quite the town.
>Boring towns either live up to their name, or they have a crazier nightlife than the most lively of saloons.
>”Don't call me boss. You're still the boss, I'm just taking a few bucks here and there.” You say with a slight chuckle
>The bartender looks at you confused
>”Bucks?”
>Oh. Right. They don't have the good old, stable American dollar.
>”Pesos, then.”
>”Uhm... right...” He turns to help another p0ny at the end of the bar.
>You sit there for a moment and enjoy your whiskey.
>Tastes like apples, but it still has a hell of a kick to it.
>You hear the sound of manic coughing, and a glass clanking against the counter

>Turning your head towards the sound, you see M has dropped the whiskey glass, his face red from his coughing
>”M, buddy, drink the water”
>*HACK COUGH WHEEZE* is his only response as he paws (hooves?) desperately for the water glass.
>Within seconds, the rather large glass is empty.
>He lets out a relieved breath.
>”Jesus, Mary and Joseph, how can you drink that stuff, Anon? It burns my throat like a jalapeno pepper.”
>”You think that's bad? The stuff back on Earth was probably 10 times as rough. And I’m using the smooth stuff as a comparison.” you smile.
>You sit there for a moment, enjoying your whiskey.
>”Hey Anon?”
>”Yes M?” you turn to see M observing (with great interest) the inside of his glass.
>”How are you coping with all this?”
>Well. There's the million dollar question.
>”Honestly?” He nods
>You finish your drink in one big gulp.
>”That's how.” You say with a crooked smile.
>M lets out a smile of his own, before you turn your attention to the bartender.
>”Hey bud, is there a hotel or something here in town? “
>”You own the only hotel/bar in town, boss” he says, not turning from his glass he is magically cleaning.
>Talk about striking gold in a coal mine.
>Not that this place has any similarities with a coal mine.

>”So M, you remember El Paso?”
>”Yup.” He says as he sips his newly filled water glass.
>You stare into your glass and take a large gulp.
>”How much else do you remember?”
>”Anon, I know what you're asking me. I remember everything...”
>Your poker playing face is on maximum output right now.
>”You do now, do you?”
>”Yup. I remember you being the one who fed me that DAMN JALAPENO!” He turns to face you, angrily scowling.
>Placing your revolver on the bar top, you turn towards him, baring your teeth in a vicious smile and hop out of your stool.
>”Wanna tango, pretty boy?” you say through squinted eyes.
>”Bring it on, buck-o”
>”Seriously? Who uses the term buck-OOF!” Before you could react, he has headbutted you backwards.
>You use your backwards momentum to roll on your back, hopping back to your feet.
>”Come on now, M, you're gonna have to do better than that to knock me down.”
>His front hoof grinds against the ground a couple times.
>He charges at you.
>You wait until the last possible second before you jump to his side, and grab onto his neck, sliding onto his back.
>M slows down a bit, and begins bucking wildly.
>”Get off of me Anon!” He says as he bucks you back and forth.
>”Nope!” You hold onto his blonde mane with one hand as you wave your hat back and forth.
>”Damnit Anon, get off!”
>”I didn't know you'd react so badly to the jalapeno!” you say laughing maniacally.
>”I couldn't taste anything for hours!” He's begun to run into the walls with his side in an effort to get you to loosen your leg grip.
>This ain't your first rodeo

>He flips himself on his forelegs as hard as he can.
>You sail off of him, and slide across the ground into the wall with a thud.
>”I learned after that jalapeno though! I didn't give you another after that!” You are doing everything within your power to not burst into laughter.
>”I had a stomach ache to boot, and IT FELT LIKE EXPLODIN DYNAMITE COMIN OUT! “ His brow furrows as he stares you down.
>You cannot contain your laughter anymore. You begin a bout of side splitting, gut busting laughter unlike any you have ever experienced.
>After a few seconds, you hear M chuckle, then begin his own round of uproarious laughter.
>He sits down next to you by the wall.
>”Anon, if you ever try to feed me a jalapeno again, I'm going to kick your skull in.” he says with a chuckle.
>”I wouldn't have it any other way, friend.”
>You now realize that the seven p0nies in this bar are staring at you and M.
>This simply will not do.
>You know exactly how to make them stop staring.
>”DRINKS ALL AROUND!” You shout as you pump your fist into the air.
>Various cheers and whistles fill the bar.
>You now know that p0nies can whistle.

>So M can remember everything.
>That includes everything you've said to him.
>This could be good.
>Or it could be very, very bad.
>”So you know a lot about me then, don't you M?”
>”Yup. And don't worry. I won't tell anyone anything.” He says with a simple smile.
>You rise from your spot on the ground, leaning on the wall.
>”Go on upstairs and put the saddle in the room. I need to pick up the mess.”
>M nods and walks to where he sat before, grabbing the saddle.
>You set tables back on their legs, and pick up fallen chairs.
>After a few minutes of general cleanup, M walks back down, rifle in his mouth
>”I hot your hifle hown Anon”
>”Thanks partner.” you grab the rifle from his mouth.
>”No problem Anon.”
>You walk out of the bar, holding your rifle by its handle, and pull a cigar from your coat pocket.
>Patting around your coat, you come across a terrible discovery.
>”Hey M, you got a match?”
>He simply stares at you incredulously for a moment
>”Yep, I sure do Anon. They're in my pocket, right next to my gold medal for 'Most Attractive Equine Alive”
>”That'll be on your tombstone sooner than later if'n you dont stop getting smart with me.” You say as you feel deep within your pockets in a last ditch effort to find a match.
>”Relax, I'm just giving you a hard time.”
>”I know. It's just what that p0ny said earlier is getting to me, I guess.”
>”An idle threat is disturbing the greatest gunslinger in the west. Today's a day for the history books”
>”M, you know as well as I do that I'm not the best...” you look around for a moment “There's someone out there who's greater than me.”
>Is that so?
>It is so, Brain.  I just have yet to meet them.
>Cocky bastard.

>It's high noon, and you have an unlit cigar in your mouth.
>While you can't do anything about the sun, you can do something about the cigar.
>”Anon, why are we walking around again?”
>”Simple, M. We are getting the populace acclimated to us.”
>”Why?”
>”Because, if you win the hearts of the people, you will win the war.” You put the cigar back in your pocket.
>”We're at war? This is new to me...” M looks around at the other ponies who are staring intently at you.
>”M, we are always at war against injustice and corruption. We just happen to come across a peaceful land”
>M seems flabbergasted at your oddly prophetic word choice.
>After a moment, he breaks the silence
>”You're looking for a match, aren't you?”
>”Damn right I am.”

>You look at a small cafe, and see several p0nies sitting at different tables.
>One of them is wearing a rather fancy top hat resting on his horn, and has a pipe in his mouth.
>You approach the hatted p0ny with a smile on your face.
>”Howdy there, sir.”
>He turns from the paper he is reading and looks at you.
>Upon seeing you, he gets a combined look of confusion, shock, and mysterious intrigue.
>”Hello to yourself, lad. How can I help you?”
>”Got a light?” you hold your unlit cigar.
>”Ah, a fellow tobacco aficionado. Of course I do. Here.” his horn glows as he pulls a small metal device out from under his hat.
>the top of the device flicks open, to reveal a smaller contraption inside with a wick, similar to that of a candle.
>You hold your cigar out towards him, and the metal bit suddenly ignites, catching the end of your cigar aflame.
>Basically a fancy way of saying he lit your cigar.
>”Thanks part' “ You puff the cigar a couple times to keep the flame going.
>”No worries chap,” he says “Have a nice day.”

>You wish him farewell, and begin your trek back towards nowhere in particular.
>After a while, you realize you aren't really going anywhere, so you head back towards the bar.
>”Anon, are you ever going to make up your mind as to where to go?”
>”I already have, M. We go to the bar, kill a few hours, then come back out and get a view of the nightlife.”
>”Sounds like a good plan.”
>You check the time on your pocket watch.
>When you open it, several springs and small gears fall out of the watches broken face.
>You look at the inside lid, and see the picture of her is still there, and intact.
>With a sad smile, you put the watch back.
>Yep. It's drinking time.
>Walking into the bar, you see a familiar p0ny with a crossbow holding the bartender by his neck
>”If you don't come up with the money you owe us, Mr.Baron is going to have your head on a plate!”
>Before you could listen in further, you point your rifle into the air and fire a single shot.
>Crossbowp0ny drops the tender, who is now hiding under the counter.
>You point your rifle at him.
>”You have yourself 10 seconds to get the hell out of my bar before I light you up.” Your venomous smile angers the bully of a p0ny.
>”You gotta be bucking me,” He hops off the stool he was balancing on and approaches you. “If you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of this.”
>”See, now that you said that, I hafta get involved. Moreso when your roughing up my employee.”
>”Your 'employee' owes my boss quite a bit of money. And I ain't leavin until I get the payment.”
>You place your hand on your holstered revolver, and cock back the hammer.
>”Would you mind if I paid you in lead?” you say through clenched teeth.
>The entire bar is deathly silent as you stare

>”I ain't asking too much. Leave my bar, and I'll forget all about this little rendezvous we're having.”
>He looks at you, and at your revolver.
>”Fine. This isn't over, freak.” he spits at your feet and walks past you.
>”It never really is, is it?” You tip your hat and smile, walking past him.
>You watch the p0ny exit, making sure he doesn't try any funny business.
>After a minute, you sit up a the bar, and ask the question of the hour.
>”Who the hell was that?”
>The tender is shaking and staring at the door.
>”Relax, buddy. Have a drink on me.”
>Without looking away from the door, he grabs a bottle of liquor with his magic and begins chugging it.
>This guy can drink.
>You're starting to regret buying the drink for him.
>”Ok now, mind telling me what the hell just happened?”
>”I uh... I owe somep0ny some money. And now they want it back.” he takes his eyes off the door for a split second to look at you, then resumes watch of the door.
>It's almost like he is afraid to blink.
>”That doesn't seem unreaso-” you're cut off
>”With 100% interest”
>”That's horseshit.”M pipes in
>You look at M before asking your own question
>“What do you mean when you say 'they'?”
>”Robber Baron's crew.” he says quickly.
>”Who is this Robber Baron guy?”
>”I... I dont know exactly. I just peiced together some rumors about who he is. As far as I know, he's one of the most powerful and wealthy p0nies in Equestria. He actually invented the railroad system and the steam engine that runs on it. Smart p0ny. Officially, he makes his money off transporting goods on the railroads.”

>”Officially?” M beats you to your question.
>”In reality, he makes money off his money.”
>”How do you mean?” You ask
>”Well, him being so damn wealthy, a lot of p0nies ask for loans and favors from him. He gladly helps out p0nies in financial trouble. He is also more than happy to send out one of his hundreds of mercenaries to collect the debt. With interest.”
>”Sounds like a stand up guy,” Your words are laced with venom. “How has he escaped the law?”
>”That's the thing. He'd done a lot of illegal things but has yet to be convicted of anything. He has several dozen of Equestrias best lawyers working for him, and he has on more than one occasion been spotted having lunch with judges.”
>So the law is in cahoots with this Robber guy.
>Sounds like this peaceful land isn't really as quaint as you first thought.
>It also sounds like you have your first target.
>”What do you know about the whereabouts of this gu- p0ny”
>”I can't say for certain, but last I heard, he was in Appleoosa for the grand re-opening of the newly renovated Appleoosa train station.”

>”You've been a real help. Here,” You pull a few silver dollars out of your coat pocket “Take these, and keep this bar running. I'm not going to be in town for a while.”
>”Wow. I.. I don't know what to say. Thanks!” The tender lifts the coins, admiring them.
>He sets the coins down and look back to you with a questioning look.
>”Where are you going?”
>You let out a sneaky smile
>”Me and M are going to Appleoosa.”
>The bartender's jaw has hit the floor.
>”M, grab our stuff from the room upstairs, we're leaving.”
>He nods, and takes off up the stairs.
>”You can't be serious. You're going after Robber Baron?”
>”I'm about as serious as a cactus is pointy.” You reload your spent rifle round.
>M comes back down, saddle on his back.
>”I'll be seeing you.”
>”Bye Anon. Be safe.”
>”I'll do my best.” you say with a slight smile.
>You exit the bar, M following close behind.

>After a few minutes of walking along the paved path, M voices his thoughts.
>”Are we really going after this guy?”
>”Yes M, we are. Robber Baron has escaped justice for far too long.”
>A familiar voice cuts in.
>”And you're going to bring him to justice, freak?”
>You tighten the grip on your rifle and the thumbscrew on the lever.
>”That's right. I am. Do you have a problem with that?”
>”Not just me, but my friends here have a problem with that as well.”
>Out of the woodwork, several ponies appear, surrounding you and M.
>”You see, we don't like it when somep0ny threatens another p0ny. Especially when the p0ny in question is our boss.” He says with a smile.
>”Don't make me do something y'all are gonna regret.” You say through gritted teeth.
>The horned pony in front of you narrows his eyes onto you.
>”Try me.”
>His horn glows as his crossbow whips from its holster, pointing it towards you.
>You hastily step sideways, the oncoming bolt grazing your shoulder.
>You pump the lever of your rifle a few times.
>The thumbscrew presses on the trigger, firing every time you pump the rifle.
>Your target is dead before he hits the ground.

>M turns to his left, and charges a nearby p0ny, letting out a loud, but not exactly terrifying battle cry.
>Turning around yourself, you quickly fire more shots into the two charging ponies.
>A third p0ny jumps over his fallen comrades, horn glowing
>Your rifle is ripped out of your hands before you can shoot him down.
>Without missing a beat, you grab a throwing knife from your belt, and throw it at the charging horned p0ny.
>He sidesteps, the knife slicing along his side.
>As he leaps into the air in an effort to tackle you, you grab your hatchet, and swing it at the leaping p0ny.
>It settles deep into the neck of your newest attacker, blood spurting from the wound.
>Using his own inertia against him, you catch his dying form and swing him around, throwing him into another charging pony.
>Grabbing a throwing knife in each hand, you let loose into the p0ny you knocked over
>You pull out your revolver and turn your head towards M.
>He is standing over a p0ny, bringing his hooves down into its face.
>”Behind you!” You shout.
>Without looking, he places both hooves on the ground besides the broken faced pony, and bucks.
>The sickening crack in combination with the p0ny head being completely backwards is more than enough to make you cringe.
>You hear the clopping of hooves behind you.
>You turn about, aiming your revolver at the new threat.
>Not fast enough this time.
>The attacker slams into you, the revolver being flung from your hand.
>You swing your fist into the throat of your attacker.
>He rears up in an effort to bring his forehooves down onto your face.
>You lift your leg and kick into his chest as hard as you can.
>While he sails backwards, you roll towards your revolver, picking it up as you roll.
>Once you are on your back, you sit up slightly, and let a few rounds fly at the rising p0ny.
>He falls.

>You quickly rise to your feet, backing yourself towards M.
>Looking around, you see multiple p0ny bodies laying about.
>Everything seems calm at the moment.
>You begin to check the bodies.
>The one you threw the knives into is laying on his side, breathing heavily.
>You rip the knives out of his side before speaking.
>”Where is Robber Baron?” You hold one of the knives close to his eye.
>*cough* “He's... in... appleoosa....” *cough*
>You pull out your revolver and place it on his forehead.
>”Shoulda stayed with him, huh?” You pull the trigger.
>Cleaning off the blades on his body, you turn to HatchetNeck.
>You take away his namesake, wiping the blood off on his coat before holstering it.
>You rise, and turn to face where you shot the original crossbow wielding p0ny.
>Approaching the falling body, you grab the knife that didn't quite hit it's mark.
>It appears the rest of these p0nies are dead.
>No last rights today.
>M begins to lazily walk towards you with your rifle in his mouth.
>”'ere oo go Anon”
>You grab your rifle.
>”Thanks M. Are you alright?”
>”Yup. It's a new experience to attack my own kind, but I'm fine.” He looks at the carnage that surrounds him
>”I know that feeling.” you begin to reload your rifle, then your revolver.
>An older, female voice filled with authority breaks up the moment.
>”What in the name of Tartarus is going on here?”