[FLUTTERRAPE] Hobonon

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>Day Benefits in Equestria
>The sound of busy streets and early morning life rouses you from your sleep
>Yawn, your dry lips cracking
>Lip them and smack a few times
>Stand up, cracking your joints and stretching
>Look around you
>Brick walls covered in posters and posters covered in grime look back
>A weary smile crosses your face
>A ball of mangy fluff on the floor stirs in its sleep before slowly waking up
>It gets to it's feet and shakes, wagging its tail and looking up at you happily
>Reach down and scratch it behind the ear
Mornin' Dog.
>You are Anon
>Professional Hobo

1/?


>Dog barks and licks your hand
Got a long day ahead of us, okay? You stay close now.
>Dog wags his tail some more and trots over to a nearby bin, resting his paws against it and looking at you expectantly
>Chuckle
Alright, alright. Let's see what we've got today
>You remove the bin lid and peer inside
>A half-eaten banana rests on the top
>Pick it up, raising an eyebrow
Now who goes and throws out a perfectly good half-eaten banana?
>You eat the entire thing. Skin and all.
>Go back to the bin, sticking your arm inside and searching for something
>Dog whines
Don't worry, gotta be- Nyugh- SOMETHING in here...
>There are Griffins around here, and even a couple of Diamond Dogs. So there must be-
Aha!
>Your fingers grip something promising
>Pull it out
>A whole sausage
>You and Dog stare open mouthed at it
>Dog starts panting
>So do you
>Smile and crouch down, offering the sausage on an outstretched palm
For you, my friend.
>Dog wolfs the whole thing down and barks happily
>Smile at him
Come on, lets go kill the day.
>You reach next to the bin and pick up an old looking banjo
>It was handcrafted by yours truly
>Ain't no banjo like a hobo banjo
>The streets of Phillydelphia are a pleasant sight as you stroll down them, Dog eagerly prancing along at your heels
>Ponies veer off in different directions when they go near you
>Chuckle as they do
>Pass an expensive looking shop
>Look at the window
>The store clerk's ears droop and his eyes shrink when he sees you looking
>Wave cheerily at him

2/?

>You don't care about the shop though, you're just checking yourself in the glass
>You're dressed in an old worn brown jacket, a torn, soot covered green waist-coat and an ancient looking white shirt underneath it all
>Your shoes are odd, a black boot sits on your left foot, and a fancy looking brown shoe on your right
>But your favourite accessory is that which is sat on your head.
>A battered, yet still surprisingly stylish gibus
>You run a tongue over your teeth as you admire yourself in the glass
>Dog sits patiently, licking his crotch.
>The store clerk comes out a door to your right, looking flustered
>"Excuse me, sir. But could you please move away? You're making customers inside feel uncomfortable"
Ahh, phooey. I'm too good for this shop anyway. Come on, Dog.
>Dog growls at the clerk and skulks after you
>You might think that being homeless is terrible. But really, it's the best lifestyle one could ask for
>Living out under the stars, eating whatever you want out of people's bins. Not a care in the world.
>It's better than working.
>You come to an inner-city park, and sit down on a bench, resting a leg over another and strumming your banjo
>Dog lies on the bench next to you, snoozing in the morning sun
>You smile at him
>He's a good dog, is Dog. You found him scavenging outside a fancy cafe
>He seems to understand everything you say. At first you were going to call him Seymour, but after you said "wait here while I go root through this trash" one time, you ended up sobbing and clutching him to your chest for about 30 minutes
>So Dog it was. It's a simpler name. Rolls off the tongue, or something.

3/?

>You play a simple tune, your gibus on the ground upside down
>A few ponies walk by and drop bits in, causing you to nod and smile at them
>They would then start walking much faster
>You like it here in Equestria
>Was creepy at first. You were in New York, just minding your own business in some lawyer's bin when there was a flash of light
>At first you thought it was the fuzz. Not that you would have minded, of course. Police cells are comfy as hell. Like staying in a 5 star hotel for the night. You even get food!
>No, instead, much to your chagrin, you ended up here in Phillydelphia.
>You still remember the first thing you thought after seeing aliens walking around
>"I wonder if they have beer"
>And they did
>That first night was one you'll never forget.
>But the citizens just sort of ignored you. They were shocked to see you, but you just came to be known as some hyper-intelligent ape that had escaped from the zoo
>The zoo people came for you
>They didn't want you, though
>Good riddance. You're too good for a zoo.
>You close your eyes and think sweet hobo things while you strum your banjo
>The banjo didn't come with you. Nay, you hand-crafted this beauty out of wood you 'borrowed' from a charity shop.
>Took many days and nights to carve it with a knife, but it was worth it.
>Now you can make music and make all the mares swoon

4/?

>What, you think a hobo can't get a mare?
>You've been with thousands of mares
>You've been with hundreds of mares
>You've been with lots?
>A few.
>...
>You've been with about 3 mares.
>They were all drunk at the time, and wanted to get freaky with "George of the Jungle"
>You weren't complaining. Poon's poon.
>You stop playing, your eyes still shut and brain still thinking.
>Dog woofs in his sleep
>You're concerned though
>You stopped playing your banjo, but you can still hear music
>That banana must have had something in it.
>It can't have done. Bananas are healthy food. It's impossible for one to be bad for you.
>Open your eyes and look around
>A gentle melody drifts towards you on the wind
>Nudge Dog and get up, banjo in hand
>You both follow the sound of the melody in silence
>It's beautiful. It's like a tale, high notes and low notes telling a story. The whole thing seems sombre but tells of hope.
>You're not actually sure if that's what it's meant to sound like. Being a hobo means finding meaning in things that aren't there.
>Like when you saw Jesus Christ in a block of mouldy cheddar
>You called it Cheesus.
>You come to a hillock and look over it
>And there she is
>Sat perched on her own park bench, much like you were, sits a minty green pony, playing a small harp thing.

5/?

>You sniff
>Pull up your pants
>And stroll towards her
>As you get closer, the pony looks worse for wear
>She's got her fair share of scars, several deep wounds along her coat
>She's wearing a flatcap, and has a stick with a bundle of items wrapped up in a cloth hanging from it resting next to her
>She sees you coming, and her eyes widen
>Sit down next to her, neither of you saying anything
>Dog sits on the floor, watching her
>"Good mornin."
Mornin.
>You motion to your banjo
>She motions to her battered harp thing
>And you start playing
>You don't say a thing to her, nor her to you. You just sit on that bench and play your instruments long into the afternoon.
>Ponies stop and watch the two of you play, your instruments complimenting each other beautifully
>By the end, you blink a few times and look up
>Your gibus, that was on the floor the whole time, is now half full of bits
>You and the Mint Pony stare at it, then at each other
>She smiles at you
>"Lyra"
Anon.
>You and Lyra chat on the bench for the rest of the afternoon
>Turns outs she's a travelling bard, and is getting ready to skip town
>The idea intrigues you
How are you going to get there?
>"Oh, I usually just jump on a train."
Could I... Join you?
>Her eyes seem to sparkle
>"You want to travel with me?! OF COURSE!"
>She hugs you, you hug her back
>Her coat is greasy
>Lovely.

6/?

>She lets go and you both grin at each other
>Until a loud growl emits from you both
>"Oh. Hehe, uhh. I guess I'm pretty hungry."
Wanna get something to eat? I know a good restaurant bin near here.
>She smiles
>"I'd like that"
>You, Dog and Lyra stroll through that city without a care in the world
>Ponies be cringin'
>Mares be coverin' their foal's eyes
>Your stink be wiltin' flowers.
>But nary a shite was given that day
>You smile and let Lyra go first into the alley behind the restaurant
>Just in time to see a back door open and a kitchen-hand throw some scraps out
>Lyra "woahs"
>You pat her on the back
Now stand back, dearie. This might get nasty.
>You pull out your rusty hobo knife and jump on the pile of scraps
>On cue, a thousand rats, homeless ponies and griffons explode out of the nearby trash
>You duck, dive, dodge and stab your way to glory, the screams of the dying echoing throughout the alleyway
>Being the king of the city, and biologically superior to your adversaries, you stand victorious over them
>Lyra clops her hooves
>"Wooo! Go Anon!"
>You take a bow
Thank you, thank you.
>Pull an angry rat off your sleeve and toss it to Dog
>He settles down to enjoy his meal
>You and Lyra take your pick of scrap veg and other food, Lyra taking care to pick out the bits with no blood or eviscerated organs on them.
>You both eat hearty and rest your heads on a dead griffon, his feathers providing good comfort
>Lyra snuggles up to you
>So does Dog

7/?

>Close your eyes and drift off to sleep, dreaming happy hobo dreams.
>That is, until a blinding light forces your eyes open again
>You blink and look up
>A police pony is glaring down at you and shining a torch
>He looks pissed
>Look around
>Dead rats, ponies and griffons are everywhere in the alley, following the bloodbath that you won.
>More police ponies walk into the alley
>"Well well well. Look what we have here. What is this, some kinda freak show?"
That's not very nice, Lyra's a beautiful pony.
>She stirs and wakes up
>"Hmm? What is it, Anon?"
>She looks at the fuzz and freezes
>"OH TARTARUS, IT'S LIKE LAS PEGASUS ALL OVER AGAIN."
>She somehow backflips from where she was sat over the griffon in an amazing show of dexterity and grace
>"ANON! CHEESE IT!"
>You pick up a rat and throw it at the police pony
>Picking Dog up under your arm you run your mangy ass out of there, the sounds of police giving pursuit filling your ears
>"STOP RIGHT THERE!"
>Hell naw.
>Sprint down the streets, the street lights showing you the way in the darkness
>You jump over ponies and bulldoze your way through a gaggle of orphans, their cries of woe giving you strength
>Dog barks from under your arm
>You boop his nose to shut him up and continue running after Lyra, who you can just see in the distance
>Lyra heads down a path towards the train station
>You give chase, the police hot on your heels

8/?

>Lyra gallops towards an empty cart and jumps in just as the train begins moving
>The machine gives off a whistle, indicating it's departure
>You pick up the pace, your heart burning and your dog barking madly
>The train begins moving, rapidly picking up the pace
>The police have nearly caught up
>"DON'T DO IT MONKEY, JUST COME WITH US PEACEFULLY!"
>Lyra extends a hoof
>"COME ON, ANON! JUMP!"
>You underarm throw Dog into the carriage and sprint as fast as you can, hurling yourself after him just as the train reaches it's top speed
>You hear the police ponies swearing and cursing you as jeer at them
>Watch as Phillydelphia pulls away, the buildings becoming specs as the various sights rush past you
>Lyra is on her back, panting heavily
>You scratch her belly
>It's soft, like a pillow
>She coos as you scratch it
>Dog lumbers over and rests his head next to Lyra
>You end up scratching both of them, each 4-legged friend kicking a rear leg and drooling slightly
>Feels good to be an advanced lifeform
>You watch as trees and rivers rush past you
>You've never been out of Phillydelphia, or even New York back home. So this scenery is something completely new to you
>And then it hits you
Hey Lyra?
>"Yeah?"
Where's this train headed, anyway?
>"Ponyville"

9/?

>Ponyville
>Sounds nice.
>You use Lyra's belly as a pillow and pull Dog closer to you, falling asleep as quickly as you did in the alley

>A loud whistle and a conductor calling awakens you
>You stir and prod Lyra's face to wake her up
>Dog just licks her
>She snorts and sits up, yawning
>"Mornin', Anon."
Mornin'. I think we're here
>Lyra pokes her head out of the car, looking towards the station
>The train is long, so you're not actually pulled in yet
>You look with her, and see several security guards
>They probably wouldn't take too kindly to seeing two vagabonds jumping trains, so you jump all jump out and run off the tracks without them noticing.
>You walk through the trees towards the town, birds tweeting overhead
>Lyra hums to herself and walks ahead, Dog happily trotting alongside her
>You look around at the countryside, breathing in the fresh air
>You feel somewhat uneasy. There are no large buildings to duck down. And you can hardly see any alleyways.
>Lyra looks back
>"What's wrong, Anon?"
It's just this town. It gives me the heeby jeebies. Like something depraved and sexually awkward is going to happen.
>"Don't be ridiculous. What are the odds of that happening?"
Never overlook hobo-sense, Lyra. It will save your life and your dignity some day
>She chuckles and turns her head forward again
So have you been here before?
>"Many times. Even made a friend or two. I come back every now and again to catch up and to mooch off the locals"
I like your style
>She looks back and winks
>Eyes, reader.
>Eyes.
>You follow Lyra to a park and both of you sit down on a bench
>Dog jumps up between you and rests his head on your lap
>Absentmindedly scratch his head and look around at everything

10/?

>Quite a peaceful town, really. Could use some industry. And larger buildings. All this fresh air isn't good for your lungs.
>Your air needs to be at least 45% polluted.
>Sigh
>Sometimes, you miss New York.
>But a hobo can't get sad. For a hobo has no home to hold him down
>Instead you turn to Lyra who is tweaking her harp thing
What is that, anyway?
>"It's a lyre"
Cute.
>"Very"
>Well that solves that mystery
So where should we eat?
>She looks around
>"Still got those bits?
>You take off your hat, still half full with bits
>Lyra stares at you
>"How have the bits stayed in there all this time?"
A hobo never reveals his secrets
>You say as you flick your wrist and produce your rusty knife
>Lyra thinks while you pick your teeth with the knife
>"I think I know a good place nearby. You good with eating sugar?"
Damn straight.
>You put your hat back on, the bits staying comfortably on your head
>You both walk over a small bridge and into Ponyville
>Ponies keep their distance as you stroll along next to Lyra
Why're they staring?
>"Dunno. Probably something to do with your fashion sense"
>She freezes the turns to you
>"For Celestia's sake don't let Rarity see you."
Who is-
>"What in Equestria is THAT?"

11/?

>Turn around
>A purple unicorn is gawping at you
>Lyra sighs
>"And here I thought I could have a nice meal without this..."
Is that Rarity?
>"No. Worse."
>The unicorn teleports, 5ft, to get to you
>She stares up
>"Oh my goodness! I've never seen anything like you in my books! What are you?"
A hobo.
>"Hoe-Boe... Interesting."
>Lyra is rubbing her temple
>"Lets go, Anon. She won't shut up unless you disappear from her field of vision"
>She drags your arm away from the babbling unicorn and behind a large shop
>She then swipes a Swiss roll from a bin and chews on it
>You help yourself to one and talk over your food
So what was up with that? Ain't never seen a pony take that kind of interest in me before
>"Yeah, I should probably have mentioned."
>She swallows her sweet
>"You're not a very common species around here. Where did you say you were from?"
New York
>"Where's that?"
America.
>"Where's that?"
Earth.
>"Where's that?"
Space, I think.
>"...Huh."
>She regards you with a curious stare
>"Anon, are you an alien?"
Technically
>She scrunches her face up
>"Meh, I've seen worse."

12/?

>You feel Dog some of the less sugary stuff in the bin before heading off with Lyra
>She takes you down an alley
>"This looks pretty good!"
Agreed. So, should we play some more music?
>"Stellar idea! After that we can-"
>She stops talking
What?
>You look behind you, where she's now pointing
>A yellow pegasus is staring at the two of you
>Lyra looks back at you and clears her throat
>"Eeeeuuugh uuugh uuh uuuuuuugh" (Switch to Hobo until she leaves)
Uugh. UUUUGhh eeeuuuuugh ughughugh (Okay)
>You both grunt and whistle at each other while the yellow Pegasus just hovers there, looking at you
>"UUUUGH" (She's still there, should we plan an escape route or split up then meet back here?)
Ugg. (Capital idea. Meet you back here in a few minutes. Bring food)
>With that, you both go your separate ways
>Lyra shuffles past the pegasus, grunting as she does it
>The pony flinches, but continues to stare at you
>You sneer at her and walk away, doing your best to look hobo-like
>It's not difficult.
>A flapping of wings indicates that she's following you
>Curses.
>You turn around and tell her to piss off in Hobo Speak
UUUUAUAAEEEGH UUUGH
>She screams and loses control of her wings, falling flat on her back
>Sprint like hell towards anywhere before she can get you again
>End up hiding out in a bin for the next few hours, peering out at the world around you
>You have no idea where Dog or Lyra are
>They'll be fine though

13/?

>Decide that it's time to go
>Stand up, the bin lid still on your head
>Look around
>No yellow pony
>Good to go
>You head back to the alleyway, your hobo sense of direction leading the way
>You see it in sight, and pick up the pace, nearby ponies giving you confused glances, and muttering amongst themselves
>Before you reach the alley, however, you fall over.
>That's... Not normal.
>You try to move
>Nothing.
>Look around
>Your arms and legs and suspended by a purple aura
>Swivelling around in the air, you see 6 ponies stood in a semi-circle around you
>The purple one steps forward
>"You can come peacefully, or we'll hurt you"
UUUUUGH (Please don't)
>The orange one with the uncool hat recoils in horror
>"He's rabid! We gotta put 'im down!"
>Clear your throat
So sorry, my dear. I often forget to speak properly after speaking hobo.
>5 of the 6 ponies gain shocked expressions
>The purple one doesn't, she just narrows her eyes and peers closely at you
>She sniffs
>And gags
>You chuckle
Impressed?
>"H-hardly... Now, what are you doing in Ponyville, Mr Huhboh?"
>Huhboh.
>That's gold.
I'm just travelling, my dear. Please put me down and let me continue on my travels.

14/?

>The purple one laughs
>"I can't do that! You're a new species! I have to document you!"
And what if I say no?
>"You don't have a choice"
>Raise an eyebrow
>Purple Pone scrunches her face up
>Just then the yellow one steps forward
>"T-twilight? I think we should respect his decision! He's a living creature, and we should all listen to one another!"
>Twilight groans
>"Fine..."
>She drops you, then points a hoof at you
>"But no monkey business! I'm watching you..."
>You stand up and take a mock bow
Of course, milady.
>Twilight huffs and walks off, the other ponies skulking away
>The yellow one blushes then flies off, leaving you alone
>Well. Almost alone.
>A single pony remains, her face one of utter contempt and horror
>She's white, with a purple mane
>Sniff
>May as well be civil
>Wipe your nose on your sleeve and extend a hand
Good morning, Miss. Pleasure to make your acquaintance
>She shudders
>"You... You're filthy."
>Look down
>You've got a healthy amount of dirt all over you
An accurate observation.

15/?

>The pony shudders again
Miss, are you alri- WOAH
>She hoists you into the air with magic and gallops off, carrying you with her
Lady, I don't mean to be rude, but are you insane?
>"I NEED TO CLEAN YOU!"
>She kicks open the door to a clothes shop, scaring a foal who is colouring on the floor
>"Hiya Rarity!"
>"SHUT UP SWEETIE BELLE I SWEAR TO CELESTIA"
>Sweetie Belle whimpers and goes back to colouring
>Rarity carries you upstairs and throws you in a room before running in after you and slamming the door
>You lie on the soft carpet, looking around the room
>It's absolutely immaculate. Not a speck of dust anywhere
>This is creepy
>Rarity is breathing heavily, her eyes looking at you hungrily
Uhh, I appreciate this, I think. But I really need to get going-
>"NO!"
>Woahshit.
>Rarity licks her lips and stalks towards you
>You scoot back a bit. This is uncomfortable even by your standards.
>"You're a dirty dirty ape... And I need to clean you..."
>Well this took a turn for the weird
>Rarity's malevolent grin grows
Rarity, I must warn you, I will hurt you. Just stop... Whatever it is you're about to do.
>"No, darling. I need. To. CLEAN YOU!"
>With that she picks you up with magic and throws you into the en suite
>You crash into the side of the bath and groan
>Goddamn magic
>Rarity enters the bathroom after you and turns on the water with yet more magic
>Hot steamy water begins gushing into the bath
>Your eyes widen
NO!
>"YES!"

16/?

>She pins you down with her blue auras and giggles madly as she pours a multitude of smell colourful liquids into the bath
>By now it smells like a bed of roses
>You hate roses.
>You struggle and roar at her
>She simply giggles
>"And now! The main event!"
>She giggles even more, and you notice that she's dripping between her legs
>She shudders again
>Oh god. That's what she was doing before.
>Gross.
>She picks you up and starts slowly lowering you into the bath
>You wave your arms around and grip the sides of the bathtub, refusing to let any part of you touch the no doubt toxic water
>"DON'T... BE... DIFFICULT!"
>She amplifies the magic, and your limbs start feeling like they're about to snap under the strain
W-what do you expect me to do? Be civilised?!
>"No, Mr Monkey, I expect you to get clean"
>She presses you down even harder
>Your left arm gives way and your forearm goes into the bubbles
>The hot water scalds your arm and the various chemicals burn your skin
>You scream in pain as Rarity pulls it back out with magic
>Your arm is sparkling clean, and smells like a fresh summer breeze
OH CHEESUS, HELP ME!
>Cheesus was listening.
>For your prayers are answered
>The en suite door slams open and a furry ball of rabid fury tackles Rarity
>The magic holding you fades, and you yell as you feel yourself falling
>Only to be caught again in a golden aura
>You look towards your saviour
>Lyra stands in the doorway, the sunlight from the bedroom window giving her an almost divine look
>She floats you over to her and puts you down

17/?

>You watch as Dog violates Rarity next to the toilet
>He barks and pants as she screams
>Dog always was stronger than he looked
How did you both find me anyway?
>"Hobo sense"
>Ah. Of course.
>You and Lyra wait for him to finish, leaving Rarity sobbing on the floor and covered in dog semen
Good Dog.
>"Bark."
>You nod at him and you all walk out the bathroom
>You walk down the stairs and past Sweetie Belle
>She jumps up and beams
>"Hi! I'm Sweetie Belle! P-please don't tell my sister I said anything..."
>She looks glumly at the floor
>You look at Lyra
>She looks at you

>5 minutes later, you, Lyra, Dog and Sweetie Belle are sat down the alley. Eating beans out of a can
>Sweetie Belle can barely contain her excitement
>"This is so much fun! I never get to eat beans at Rarity's!"
>Dog licks her and she giggles
>Lyra plays her harmonica
>Wait
Where the hell did you get that?
>"I won it in a drunken brawl after we split. Some red stallion thought he was hot shit"
So what did you do?
>"I cut him and stole his harmonica."
Nice.
>She continues to play, you tap your foot and smile
>Your arm still burns from the chemicals, but in a way, it looks good on you
>A single clean part of your body will be a tale to tell to other travellers in the days ahead

18/?

>And so it came to pass that Anonymous, Lyra, Dog and Sweetie Belle became the 4-Vagabonds. A travelling band of misfits who would travel from town to town, playing music and stealing music instruments from innocent ponies.
>Sweetie Belle was eventually taught Hobo-speak, and took to the Hobo life like a duck to water
>Lyra managed to steal an entire drum kit, after getting into a fist fight with the heavy metal band "Deathklop", while they were still playing at a concert. She killed 3 of them on stage and stole the drumkit in a daring escape that shocked the tabloids and earned her the name "The Freshmaker"
>Dog knocked up a local farmer's bitch, called Winona. She now looks after 5 puppies, patiently waiting for the day her Dog in Furry Armour comes back to sweep her off her paws
>Anon found a new pair of shoes lying on the side of the road.

>They made a damn good meal.

19/19
The End.

Based on this, courtesy of the Flutterrape Skype Circlejerk.
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