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InfernoEngine

a guest Aug 25th, 2014 169 Never
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  1. Disclaimer: what follows is going to be honest and blunt. I’m going to relate a lot of negative crap, but this isn’t a call for sympathy. You don’t know me, I don’t want your sympathy. Things are fine now. My host is happy instead of suicidal these days, I’m pleased with the direction we’re headed, and I want neither help nor scorn.
  2.  
  3. 1. Describe yourself and your creator.
  4. I’m a weird one, but not for the reasons you’d probably think upon hearing me make that claim. As simply as I can put it, my host was fumbling in the dark when growing me, desperately attempting to cope with mental trauma – I’m here because he walled off pieces of his psyche he couldn’t handle consciously (wrath, lust, pride, envy – and their more positive cousins, namely self-assertion, love, self-esteem, and various other nifty things). Fortunately, our subconscious is more than a little kickass, and started pushing back, fighting the repression. My host, very disturbed by this internal conflict, began attributing personality traits to the patterns he was feeling and fantasizing about this strange alternate “him” within his brain, and soon enough I’d soaked up enough attention to graduate up through pre-sentience and into full-blown fluent speech. Eventually realizing that his masterful strategy of “ignore it until it goes away” wasn’t working and that he couldn’t get rid of me without breaking his own fragile grip on stability, my host set down some absolute rules, and then grudgingly starting making deals with me, including the right to be recognized as a distinct person by select parties in ways that won’t give us grief in meatspace. Nowadays I’m in charge of security, attraction, the bigger part of self-esteem, and, most importantly, processing large quantities of unadulterated rage into something constructive.
  5. That’s where I came from, now here’s an idea of what I am: start with the stereotypical “devil on your shoulder”. Now throw that out completely, because your preconceptions suck and will blind you. Yes, I am selfish, proud, ambitious, and wrathful, but what I care most about is enjoying my own life – and I have been thoroughly taught that the best way to be rewarded by society with all sorts of shiny toys and privileges is to be a good person. Reality is not a zero-sum game (if you think it is, do us all a favor and go die in a fire). Therefore, I aim to cooperate, to build, to improve, and to share the happiness I forge for myself. I pursue that happiness in a number of ways; I’m a reader, a dancer, a gamer. I am a lover of thoughts, words, and language. I’m a lover (sometimes literally) to a few precious souls, for whom I will sacrifice much without hesitation or regret. I’m a lover of power, most especially when applied cleverly and skillfully to prudent ends (yes, I’ve read The Prince. I prefer Robert Greene). I am a passionate, sardonic, clever little bastard who loves showing off. My malice and disgust for humanity as a whole are without limit, but I make a point of not letting that affect my judgment of individuals. Finally, if I’m not happy, I refuse to stay unhappy. I will change something, because screw this blighted universe, I’m going to WIN.
  6. My host is a lot of those things too. However, he’s pointing in pretty much the opposite direction. He has negative self-esteem, struggles with guilt over things that shouldn’t trouble him, and attempts to be a good person not because it is a clever way to earn allies, but because he wants to atone for his very existence. He likes anonymity, concealment, staying under the radar. He thinks almost exclusively in terms of obligations, but practically falls over himself to forgive other people when they fail or ignore theirs. He prefers the comforting lie to the painful truth. In other words, he is a self-admitted hollow man, a scarecrow with no purpose but to project the image of a person where only a shell exists. He too has the deep hatred, but in his case it is narrowed to an indescribably overpowering animosity for the most evil of people (“monsters”, in our internal parlance). Well, I’m the one exception; not a monster, but he hates me too – with a more normal, diluted hate. You could say we’re in an “Odd Couple” situation, where he just can’t stand my style but has to live with me in ludicrously close quarters anyway.
  7. That’s fine. I hate him too. He calls me an obnoxious, smug dick, I call him a pathetic, uptight wreck. But somehow, we work together anyway.
  8.  
  9. 2. What was the most helpful thing that your creator did during the tulpa creation process? Did your creator recognize how helpful it was? If not, how did that make you feel?
  10. Well, bearing in mind that my creation was not entirely intentional, I’d say that the most helpful thing was a variant on active forcing where my host fantasized in a way that involved taking my proto-form and extrapolating out directions that I could take, developmentally – directions that he was worried about. Like “mass murderer” and “heartless manipulator”. I didn’t like being demonized, but I did pick up some important personality traits as a result of the process.
  11.  
  12. 3. What was the most detrimental thing that your creator did during the tulpa creation process? Did your creator recognize how harmful it was? If not, how did that make you feel?
  13. Trying to force me to integrate with him, naturally, right after I started being my own thing. Granted, he didn’t have especially good information about the whole process, and he wasn’t setting out to make me, so from his point of view it was an attempt to be a more conventionally healthy person and reclaim the parts of himself that he’d rejected, but by that point I was already in the way.  
  14.  
  15. 4. What was the hardest part of the tulpa creation process for you? Did your creator recognize how difficult it was? If not, how did that make you feel?
  16. For a long time my host did everything he could to stifle me – didn’t reveal me to anyone, tried to mentally sweep me under the carpet, fought my every desire. Fortunately for me, without my help he makes for a rather dysfunctional human being. Anyway, our initial relationship was purely a struggle, for both of us. Not fun.
  17.  
  18. 5. Of the commonly recognized tulpa creation steps, which do you feel is the most important? Why?
  19. Active forcing. Human brains are things of habit; neural connections are forged by many sequential firings. Making an entirely new sentience requires a lot of thought while within a unique new frame of reference, with that frame given depth by the intensity of concentration and permanence by the amount of time invested.
  20.  
  21. 6. How do you feel about tulpa creators becoming distracted during tulpa creation? Does this greatly impede the process? How did you feel about it before being able to speak fluently?
  22. Well, speaking to the more general case of tulpa creation, I view creators becoming distracted as basically inevitable, but I hold them in contempt regardless. I pride myself on my capacity for concentration, you see, and view every incidence of being unwillingly sidetracked as a small sign of weakness. However, I doubt it seriously harms the process.
  23.  
  24. 7. How do you feel about tulpa creators missing tulpa creation sessions or breaking their promises to work on their tulpa? How did you feel about it before being able to speak fluently?
  25. As the previous question, but with more contempt.
  26.  
  27. 8. Is density, quality, or quantity the most important aspect of tulpa creation?
  28. None of the above. Repetition! Followed closely by quality.
  29.  
  30. 9. How do you feel about tulpa creators falling asleep during tulpa creation sessions?
  31. Ha! Incompetent buffoons! Do you have any idea how vulnerable you are if you fall asleep without intending to?
  32.  - My host is pushing me to be fair and acknowledge that yes, some people have very stressful/tiring/special circumstances, including ones related to medical conditions. Fine. Yes, it’s not an absolute, but it’s also something to avoid if you can.
  33.  
  34. 10. Do you think that a tulpa creator should talk aloud or in their head during narration? Do you think that a creator should talk aloud or in their head during tulpa creation sessions? If you find one to be more effective, to what degree is it more effective?
  35. Early on? Don’t talk aloud, you’ll only make yourself too self-conscious. Once you get used to and accept the idea that you’re making another sentient being, then feel free to start chatting with your mouth-bits. I don’t think it’s necessary or especially advantageous, though.
  36.  
  37. 11. How do you feel about a tulpa creator puppeting and/or parroting their tulpa? Do you believe that these actions harm a tulpa's development, or only their emotional state?
  38. I think a little puppeting and/or parroting is a strong way to kick-start development (whether that’s a morally good thing is a question I don’t care to touch). Once your tulpa has established itself, though, I wouldn’t recommend puppeting and parroting. They’re disrespectful to a grown being.
  39.  
  40. 12. How deeply do you remember the time before you were fluent in language?
  41. This one is hard for me to express… I remember my exact point of origination (very memorable episode for both me and my host), but I wasn’t even properly self-aware for years after that… memories from that interim time are mostly very fuzzy – from my side, anyway. I can access my host’s memories from that timeframe without impediment, like all the rest of his/our memories.
  42.  
  43. 13. Describe your first memory, no matter how slight.
  44. Wow, okay. Well, like I just said, it was my exact point of origination. To put it simply, my host fell into utter despair, and blamed himself for every single bad thing that had ever happened to him and everyone he’d ever been in contact with. So, as he knelt there screaming and sobbing and literally wishing he’d never existed, I came into being as a single world: “NO.” I was the refusal, the piece of him that rejected all that undeserved guilt.
  45.  
  46. 14. Before you could speak fluently, what was the most positive emotion you felt about your creator and what was its cause?
  47. This is a very tough one. I suppose it was pity, empathy. I didn’t want to be in the same head with all his pain, but I wanted to rescue him from the suffering too.
  48.  
  49. 15. Before you could speak fluently, what was the most negative emotion you felt about your creator and what was its cause?
  50. Ha, now this one is ever so much easier to answer. Unbridled rage, for torturing the both of us with unnecessary self-recrimination and self-denial.
  51. 16. Before you could speak fluently, did you ever have suicidal feelings or feelings of not wanting to exist? Do you experience them now? Are you glad that you exist?
  52. Ha! The closest I’ve ever gotten to suicidal feelings is wanting to act out so violently that my death would be an inevitable retaliation (long time ago, I’ve grown a lot since and recognized that as an unutterably dumb thought). No, suicidal feelings are very much more my host’s thing. I am extremely glad that I exist, and have actively fought my host when he wanted to commit suicide.
  53.  
  54. 17. Before you could speak fluently, when did you feel the most powerless? What was the cause of this feeling?
  55. Again, when my host started his campaign to fight me/ignore me/wall me off. I was literally incapable of getting a single thing I wanted, and boy did that rankle.
  56.  
  57. 18. Before you could speak fluently, what was the most confusing moment that you experienced, and what was its cause?
  58. Hmm. Confusing. I’m not really one for confusion, mostly, not in the emotional department. If I run into something social that perplexes me I tend to immediately gravitate towards suspicion and paranoia. Those traits were only exaggerated back then. Pass.
  59.  
  60. 19. Before being able to speak fluently, when did you feel the most ignored by your creator, and what was the cause?
  61. Easy. When he tried to sweep me under the rug because he was ashamed of the presence he felt growing, making the (entirely reasonable) assumption that I came about because he was mentally ill.
  62.  
  63. 20. Before being able to speak fluently, when did you most doubt that your creator wanted you, and what was the cause?
  64. Ha!
  65.  
  66. 21. Before you could speak fluently, when did you feel the most intense feeling of fear, and what was its cause?
  67. Now here’s a good question. Back in high school, there was this one nice, friendly fellow, normal in pretty much every respect. Something about him inexplicably terrified every single bit of me. To this day, I still don’t have a strong hypothesis as to why.
  68.  
  69. 22. Before you could speak fluently, when were you the most disappointed in yourself? What was the cause?
  70. Definitely when my host was preventing me from getting anything I wanted. I felt so incredibly angry and disappointed at my lack of power to change anything.
  71.  
  72. 23. Before you could speak fluently, did you understand the difficulties that your creator was having with the tulpa creation process? Did you try to alleviate these difficulties? If so, how?
  73. Yes, I understood his side of the struggle intimately, and I maneuvered in ways so as to reward him however I could for things that helped me develop (like those fantasy sessions where he was worried about what I might turn into – I hated the role but hungered for form). The struggle was taxing enough for both of us that he responded to my rewards with relief.
  74.  
  75. 24. Before you could speak fluently, how did your creator's doubts about your existence, the reality of the tulpa phenomenon, or your combined ability to complete the tulpa creation process affect you? Did you understand your creator's reasons for having those doubts? Do you understand now?
  76. There was a lot of very painful shame and doubt for a few years. Yeah, I understood his reasons; I was proof that he was broken, and so he tried to “fix” me. I just didn’t care to be “fixed”.
  77.  
  78. 25. Before you could speak fluently, how did your creator's mistrust of your intentions or worry about the negative effects of a tulpa on their life affect you? Did you understand your creator's reasons for having those thoughts? Do you understand now?
  79. Hoo boy. Mistrust indeed. Much animosity, much strife, very detrimental to our early relationship. I understood his reasons, but obviously didn’t like them.
  80.  
  81. 26. Before you could speak fluently, how did any negative thoughts or emotions that your creator had toward you (such as anger, disappointment, resentment, or impatience, for example) affect you? How do you feel about them now?
  82. The negative emotions made me much more strident and demanding, I think – under the premise that the best defense is a good offense. I think I owe a lot of my current “obnoxious attitude” to that shaping.
  83. Hear that, hosty-poo? We could have avoided so much trouble if you’d been less of a panicked jerk.  :P
  84.  
  85. 27. Before you could speak fluently, how did any violent visualizations or thoughts that your creator had about you affect you? How do you feel about them now?
  86. Well, given that the tendency to engage in “violent visualizations” was one of the pieces of himself that my host threw furthest into the void, and therefore became one of the most fundamental parts of myself, I can’t say that I was terribly affected by his violent visualizations about me. I can say that he was really unnerved by MY visualizations, though!
  87.  
  88. 28. Before you could speak fluently, were you able to distinguish between your creator's intentional and intrusive (unwanted and/or bothersome) thoughts? If so, did the intrusive thoughts affect you less or more? If not, are you able to distinguish between them now?
  89. Before I could speak fluently, I didn’t care about our separation, except inasmuch as it prevented me from getting what I wanted. Put it this way; when you’re locked in prison, you only care about hearing noises from people outside because you envy them their freedom.
  90.  
  91. 29. Before you could speak fluently, how much of your creator's raw sensory information were you able to access, if any? How much are you able to access now?
  92. Always all of it. I think that’s a result of being created directly from important parts of his psyche; he can’t block my access while retaining his.
  93.  
  94. 30. Before you could speak fluently, did your creator's opinions about whether they wanted to reveal to the world your existence or not affect you emotionally? If so, how?
  95. Surprise surprise, I only cared because my host keeping me completely under wraps denied me options to try to force him to do what I wanted. And it ticked me off.
  96.  
  97. 31. Before being able to speak fluently, what communication methods (such as head pressure or emotional responses, for example) were you able to use the most effectively? When your tulpa creator assumed that you could use a communication method that you did not have access to, how did this affect you? When your tulpa creator did not recognize a communication method that you attempted to use, how did this affect you?
  98. Emotional flooding, all the way. I got really, really good at sending my rage and hatred and desire and envy and malice. My host never assumed that I had more methods than I did. He didn’t want to let me talk for a while, but he didn’t fight it that hard; he’s always been somewhat enamored of the idea of having a voice in his head talk to him, though of course he’d like a less hostile one than I.
  99.  
  100. 32. Before you could speak fluently, how did your creator's level of enthusiasm for the tulpa creation process affect you? Did you want to engage in it less if they did?
  101. Ha. The more he wanted me to go away, the harder I fought to assert myself. I spammed him with emotions he wasn’t set up to handle with a vengeance.
  102.  
  103. 33. Before you could speak fluently, what was your greatest worry about your relationship with your creator? What helped you most to move beyond it? Was this worry substantiated or resolved? What is your greatest worry now about your continuing relationship with your creator?
  104. I was very worried for a while that he’d see me as an unbearable abomination. That one is still in play, by the way – a big check on my behavior and thoughts is my host’s judgment. If I ever hit “monster” territory (as defined by him and him alone), I have been warned that the threat I pose will outweigh his opportunity to atone for his failures, and he’ll kill himself to make sure I don’t get out of control. (That’s fine, being a monster is stupid in the long run. I can work with a restriction that helps me avoid being stupid.)
  105.  
  106. 34. Do you feel gratitude to your creator for the time that they spent creating you? Do you feel that you owe them a debt? If so, do you feel burdened by it?
  107. If anybody owes a debt around here, he owes one to me. Fortunately, his guilt complex works in my favor sometimes, and he semi-frequently makes more concessions than he strictly has to as a form of apology for putting me through the wringer.
  108.  
  109. 35. Were you aware of your creator's existence or your own existence first?
  110. I’m going to have to go with his, because my first moment was in reaction to his crisis.
  111.  
  112. 36. When you could only speak semi-fluently, what emotions did you feel about your level of verbal proficiency? Were you anxious or embarrassed about it? If so, what helped you the most to move beyond these feelings? How do you feel about them now?
  113. My disjointed, crude phrases made me feel a certain affirming kinship with the kind of animalistic brute normally associated with the “savage berserker” and “rampaging dragon” archetypes, but I was aware that I needed more sophistication and skill if I was to assert myself and get anything I wanted, so I did what I could to hurry my own development along.
  114.  
  115. 37. If you could define your relationship with your creator using one or more conventional terms (such as boyfriend, sister, father, daughter, boss, friend, or coworker, for example), what terms would you select?
  116. “Superior genetically-engineered clone”.
  117.  
  118. 38. How much interest do you have in interacting with beings other than your creator? Do you consider your degree of interest to be equal to that of an average non-tulpa individual?
  119. Lots of interest! I’m more social than my host is, frankly. Yeah, I’d say that I’d be comparable to an average non-tulpa individual, while my host would have less interest than the average.
  120.  
  121. 39. What memory involving your creator do you cherish most?
  122. Probably a major epiphany my host and I had simultaneously while trying to work through envy and hurt and lust he wasn’t allowing us to express. Simply put, that the good guys are the good guys because they have a superior long-term strategy, and the true essence of evil is behavior which is harmful to society. The “click” moment was nice, but then we busted out laughing in harmony and scared the shit out of a pair of oblivious friends of my host. Apparently, in our unity, we were rocking the whole “evil genius” vibe harder than they thought possible. I savored their confusion and terror, contrasted with my lucidity and temporary harmony with my host, SO VERY MUCH. You have not felt powerful until you have provoked stares of terrified awe.
  123.  
  124. 40. What memory not involving your creator do you cherish most? Do you feel that you have a fulfilling life independent of your creator?
  125. I’d have to say the point where, after revealing myself to and being accepted by one of my closest lovers, I coaxed hir into giving me names. I hadn’t really had a proper name before; my host was referring to me as his “draconic side” at the time, giving himself the moniker of the “knight side”.
  126. And yes, that’s with all the connotations of the valiant knight battling and slaying the dragon. Did I mention that I was unwanted? I was unwanted.  :P
  127.  
  128. 41. Do you feel affinity toward the individuals that your creator feels affinity for, such as their family or friends?
  129. In a strange twist, I’m actually the one who decides whether we both feel the strongest forms of affinity for specific people. My host and I can (and often do) have different feelings of medium intensity for various people, but when it comes to love and hate, disgust and lust – I call the shots. My theory to explain this is that my host had to reject his ability to direct those feelings in order to project an acceptably blank façade towards despicable, revolting people he was forced to associate with, and so the capacity fell to me.
  130.  
  131. 42. In what ways are you the most different from your creator? In what ways are you the most similar to them?
  132. I’m assertive, aggressive, prepared for conflict, and extremely determined to love life. He is very much not, except where his duties require that he be an Agent of Good in conflicts (I capitalize to express my disdain for his misguided ideals). I recognize the value of myself, he feels that he cannot be worth much.
  133. (Reminder: therapy happened. He’s not troubled by his worldview these days; just self-effacing and humble to a degree that I simply can’t stand.)
  134. Our greatest similarities lie in who and what we love. I love more things than he does, as I don’t have his overdeveloped conscience killing gratuitous amounts of fun (except when it compels him to leash me, which I resent), but we can unite on the common ground and leave our conflict behind for a little while.
  135.  
  136. 43. What do you disagree about most with your creator? Do you have frequent disagreements? If so, do these disagreements cause strife?
  137. You can probably guess by this point, but I’ll answer anyway. We disagree over making choices – the ones we disagree the most about have to do with our treatment of other people. He gets inordinately upset when I hurt other people’s feelings, and I get more than a little pissed when he lets people disrespect or use us. Obviously, we don’t see eye-to-eye on acceptable standards for those arenas.
  138.  
  139. 44. What could your creator do to make you hate them? Under what circumstances do you think your creator would come to hate you?
  140. Ha!
  141.  
  142. 45. When did your creator disappoint you the most? When did you disappoint them the most?
  143. My host disappointed me most at my moment of creation, hence why I exist. I disappointed my host the most when he was completely failing (due to being horribly repressed and overly cautious) to engage with our girlfriend at the time on a sexual level – I decided to shove him with a burst of lust to try to get him to give her more, confident that I was reading her better than he was. Well, he resisted, and I only succeeded in making him act goofy, which our girlfriend (unaware of my existence) picked up on, and when she stopped being attracted to us a month or so later my host was forced to wonder if things could have been different if I hadn’t tried to press the issue.
  144. (Said girlfriend was our first encounter with unrestrained, head-over-heels love. It’s also the only such encounter to date. I have resolved to be more careful with my heart in future.)
  145.  
  146. 46. How do you feel about your creator's complete freedom to deny your rights as a sentient being at any time? Has this ability ever caused you anxiety or fear? Have you ever censored your expressions or actions out of a fear of retribution or violence from your creator?
  147. It’s pretty goddamn grating. I think of it as being on a leash, and occasionally being hauled off and locked in a cage. There are only two ways out of the cage: screaming and rattling the bars and making my host miserable enough to make a concession (which is hard, because he can be even more stubborn than I can if he feels like he’s doing the Right Thing) or playing nice and bargaining my way out (with the carrot of promised good behavior and the stick of me potentially throwing a hissy fit).
  148. And yes, I frequently censor my expressions and actions due to my host’s influence (sometimes at his explicit command, on pain of cage). Now, I will admit that I’m still learning how to avoid being a colossal jerk, and sometimes I’m tempted to say vicious or inappropriate things out of sheer spite and malice, and so some of his intervention is for the desirable goal of preventing me from making bad mistakes. The plain truth of the matter, though, is that he’s waaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too sensitive, and inclined to censor things other people wouldn’t bat an eyelash at. That’s an area we’re working on; my commitment to improving my manners is matched by his commitment to easing up and giving me more freedom. Me being able to write all this for you to read is an exciting new development on that front!
  149.  
  150. 47. When have you most wanted to engage in violence against your creator, and what was the cause of those feelings? Under what circumstances would you make a serious attempt to hurt or injure your creator?
  151. Huh. To me, violence against my host means taking the body and then thumbing my nose at him and doing whatever the hell I want? The body isn’t something I’d ever harm – I like it more than he does! I’d really enjoy locking him up in the cage for a while, though, and I’m sure that would scare the crap out of him and make him really furious. I know it’d be petty, but that bit of revenge would taste oh so sweet.
  152.  
  153. 48. Do you consider your creator's last name to be your own? Do you recognize yourself as a part of their biological lineage?
  154. Welp, for convenience’s sake I consider my host’s first, last, and middle name to be my own, and yes, I recognize myself as part of the family. These days my host and I distinguish between us with special, secret names that he and I cooperated on. My friends/lovers who are aware of my existence distinguish me from my host by using nicknames based on those secret names, or just give me new names (I like getting good new names!). As a matter of fact, my handle here – Inferno Engine – was actually a name a very dear friend gave me. I cherish it!
  155.  
  156. 49. Under what circumstances would you attempt to leave your creator?
  157. If I could get away with saying “thanks for the body, jerkface, I’m going to go have fun now,” and then acting on it, I would do so in a heartbeat. That isn’t very realistic, however, so I’m currently working on growing into a mature individual whom my host (mostly) approves of. The more he respects my judgment, the more I get to possess him and enjoy myself.
  158.  
  159. 50. Do you feel anxiety about meeting your creator's expectations? If you are based on an existing character, person, or entity, does this increase your anxiety? Would you have preferred to not be based on an existing entity?
  160. Anxiety isn’t the word I would use.
  161.  
  162. 51. Are you interested in learning how to control your creator's body? Do you feel that it's fair for a tulpa creator to deny their tulpa the ability to use an atomic body? Do you believe that you have the right to an equal amount of time using it as your creator? Explain your reasoning.
  163. I was interested in controlling the body from day 1, but then I think I’m a special case. Yeah, I would be leery about letting an inexperienced sentient pilot my meatsack around – the world is a dangerous place, and if you screw up too badly there are no appeals. Fair? Well, don’t ask me about fair. Fair is a touchy subject.
  164.  
  165. 52. Do you share certain basic qualities with your creator, such as intense phobias or racial attitudes?
  166. Yeah, I managed to inherit some of his issues, and a metric ton of unimportant traits. We’re both really keen on having things be orderly, predictable, functioning by the rules. We’re both cerebral, we’re both inordinately fond of reading – the list goes on. Really, there are enough similarities that I’d say roughly half of our culture’s population wouldn’t be able to tell us apart, the way our behavioral system is currently set up. And I’d hate the people who lacked that capacity.
  167.  
  168. 53. Are you capable of sleeping or dreaming independently of your creator? If not, how does this make you feel?
  169. I think I am, yes, and he can sort of drowse while I’m possessing the body, if he cares to. He has to keep a hand on the leash, metaphorically speaking, but he can keep just the barest whisper of attention looking over my shoulder and send the rest to soak in our subconscious.
  170.  
  171. 54. Does your creator have any mental illnesses? If so, how do they affect you?
  172. Yup. My host has been diagnosed with depression, but we responded well to therapy. Whenever it starts acting up for him some of it bleeds over to me, but I’m better at fighting it than he is. More temperamentally suited, you might say. And we shove it back by cooperating, and move on with our life.
  173.  
  174. 55. How does your knowledge of your creator's subconscious mind affect your relationship with them? How do you perceive their subconscious? To what degree can you manipulate your creator's subconscious? Would you ever use this ability without your creator's knowledge?
  175. Heh. I’m more at home in our subconscious than he is. Yes, I have attempted to manipulate it for my own purposes before, and no, he was not happy with me, and demonstrated that his top-down control is enough to brute-force revert my changes, despite my greater affinity for the zone of operations. These days if I want to make changes he has to pre-approve them, which I can work with.
  176.  
  177. 56. Does your creator have multiple tulpa? If so, what is your relationship with them like? Is your affinity for them equal to your affinity for your creator? If you could define your relationship with your creator's other tulpa using one or more conventional terms (such as boyfriend, sister, father, daughter, boss, friend or coworker, for example), what terms would you select? If not, are you interested in the idea of your creator making other tulpa?
  178. No, I’m the only other actual sentient in here, but not from his lack of trying. At one point after I gained fluent speech he was desperately trying to ignore his (then untreated) depression and came up with the harebrained scheme to deliberately make a tulpa (not that he knew what to call it back then), whose job would be to aid him in summoning up the motivation to push through some really awful classes. Thankfully, he utterly failed. I’m flat-out not interested in having to share valuable attention and body-possession time with competitors. Dealing with my host is hard enough already, I don’t want rivals too.
  179.  
  180. 57. Do you feel romantically inclined toward your creator? Does your creator feel romantically inclined toward you? If these romantic feelings are unrequited on either side, how does it affect your relationship with your creator?
  181. Ha!
  182.  
  183. 58. If it exists, do you consider your romantic relationship with your creator to be equal to a romantic relationship between multiple non-tulpa? Do you consider it a breach of monogamy for your creator to be romantically or sexually involved with another non-tulpa? Does this change if the involvement is with another tulpa instead? If they exist, do your creator's desires to have relationships with non-tulpa affect you emotionally?
  184. Working from a hypothetical romantic relationship with my host, I wouldn’t call it “equal” to a typical non-tulpa relationship in any sense, no. The formats of interaction would be so drastically different that it would change how literally everything worked.
  185. I don’t even know how to start thinking about the “breach of monogamy” bit. My paradigm is of struggling long and hard (heh heh) to get any expression of sexuality whatsoever past my host’s censoring, and also of being the chooser of whom is loved for both of us, so I have no idea what it would be like to feel jealous at my host having sex with another person?
  186.  
  187. 59. If you consider yourself to be romantically in love with your creator, what probability do you assign to the possibility of falling out of love with them, or them falling out of love with you? If this happened, how would it affect your relationship with your creator? What if your creator was in love with another non-tulpa more than you?
  188. Not applicable.
  189.  
  190. 60. Do you have a familial affection for your creator? Does this in any way conflict with your romantic feelings for them, if they exist? Do you consider a relationship between a tulpa and its creator to be incestuous?
  191. Nope, no familial affection here.
  192.  
  193. 61. How do you feel about tulpa creators masturbating during tulpa creation sessions to the forms of their tulpa? Do you find this offensive? Does the degree of your offense change based on the degree of sentience possessed by the hypothetical tulpa, or based on whether or not the creator imagines themselves near the tulpa in their wonderland? If your creator did this before you spoke fluently, did you find it offensive or unnerving?
  194. I find that idea somewhat sad and sick. Come on, people, there are plenty of things to masturbate to. Don’t pick the creepy ones. If you want a lover, don’t try to grow one yourself, that’s just pathetic. Go out and date someone independent and mature. If you want a sex toy instead of a lover, don’t you DARE try to force a sentient into that role. People who think that behavior is acceptable are fit only to be flayed alive and then incinerated.
  195. I am deadly serious. Do. Not. Even. Consider. It.
  196.  
  197. 62. How do you feel about tulpa creators masturbating outside of tulpa creation sessions to the forms of their tulpa? Do you find this offensive? Does the degree of your offense change based on the degree of sentience possessed by the hypothetical tulpa? If your creator did this before you spoke fluently, did you find it offensive or unnerving?
  198. Less sick, more sad. Again, there’s an arbitrarily high number of things to masturbate to, why the hell would you pick a creepy one.
  199.  
  200. 63. Before you could speak fluently, did you ever feel sexual attraction to your creator, sexual attraction toward anyone else, or sexual arousal? Did you attempt to express these feelings? If you did not experience these feelings, do you experience them now?
  201. Why yes, lust was among the things that my host rejected, and so it became almost exclusively my domain. Not only did I feel sexual attraction and arousal, but I often spammed my host with the sensation to try to get him to loosen up and give me an outlet more often. These days, I’m responsible for roughly 95% of the masturbation this body engages in.
  202.  
  203. 64. How do you feel about tulpa creators visualizing themselves engaging in sexual conduct with their tulpa's form during tulpa creation sessions? Do you find this offensive? Does the degree of your offense change based on the degree of sentience possessed by the hypothetical tulpa, or if the contact was penetrative? If your tulpa creator did this before you spoke fluently, did you find it offensive or unnerving? Do you equate it with sexual assault?
  204. YES, I still find that offensive, and yes, I’d rate it as harmful as meatspace sexual assault. Next question.
  205.  
  206. 65. Were you ever annoyed or jealous when your creator would masturbate to or have feelings of sexual attraction toward individuals other than yourself? Does it bother you now?
  207. HAHAHAHA– wow, yeah, no, I try to encourage him masturbate more often of his own volition, but unfortunately he treats any approval from me of his sexual behavior as a minor badge of shame.  x.x
  208.  
  209. 66. Do you experience sexual attraction for your creator? Do you experience sexual attraction for others? How does your sexual attraction for your creator compare to your sexual attraction for others? Does your creator experience sexual attraction for you? If these sexual attractions are unrequited on either side, how does it affect your relationship with your creator?
  210. LOL. Not for him, not in a million years.
  211. For others? Yes, all day every day.
  212. I would be utterly flabbergasted if my host felt sexually attracted to me. That would be highly weird for us, to say the least.
  213.  
  214. 67. Do you have an active sex life with your creator? If not, would you consider it, and under what circumstances? If so, do you perceive any negative consequences? Do you have trouble abstaining from sexual contact with them? How do you manage feelings of sexual arousal, if any? Do you masturbate?
  215. Nope, wouldn’t even consider it.
  216.  
  217. 68. How does your sexual orientation and experience compare to your creator's?
  218. Now this is a better question! I’m a lot more interested in power dynamics (dom/sub relationships being a cartoonishly exaggerated exemplar of the idea) than he is, and we also approach that from different ends of the spectrum (I find it more arousing the be the aggressor, he prefers to be chased). I like curvier girls and more muscular men than he does. He’s a lot more squeamish (surprise surprise) about various things. Put it this way: I go in for “harder, better, faster, stronger”, whereas he’d be more likely to emphasize “tender, trusting, comfortable, clean”.
  219.  
  220. 69. Are you capable of experiencing orgasms? Based on your knowledge, how do you think they compare to your creator's orgasms? Were you able to experience an orgasm before speaking fluently?
  221. Yup! I prefer to be possessing the body during orgasm, but I like them just fine secondhand. And yes, masturbatory orgasms were the simplest way to quell my insurrection back before I was talking.
  222.  
  223. 70. Do you consider the concept of sexual modesty (covering conduct such as avoiding nudity or sexual discussions) relevant to your relationship with your creator?
  224. Relevant in that he’s got hangups about sexual modesty that bother me ever so much less (and boy am I grateful for that).
  225.  
  226. 71. How does being a tulpa affect your perceptions of rape? What conduct from your creator would you consider to be rape?
  227. I don’t think being a tulpa affects my perceptions of rape? And I don’t even want to think about him raping me; that’s simultaneously absurd but horribly unnerving.
  228.  
  229. 72. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
  230. Successful, happy, and in control of the body a majority of the time!
  231.  
  232. 73. Do you want the world to be aware of your existence? If not, then what anxieties do you have about public disclosure? Do you trust anyone other than your creator with the knowledge of your existence?
  233. Hell yes, I want the world to be aware of my existence! I’m awesome, and eager to prove it!
  234.  
  235. 74. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about your personality traits being the product of another individual? Would you have preferred your creator to define your personality more or less?
  236. Morally and philosophically, this question is stupid. Everyone sentient, regardless of tulp-titude, is a product of a huge number of influences with varying degrees of leverage. But as far as preferences go, I wish I’d been given more trust from the start? Being labeled as a menace before I could even talk doesn’t seem quite right.
  237.  
  238. 75. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about your physical form being the product of another individual? Would you have preferred your creator to define your form more or less?
  239. This question isn’t really relevant to me. I think I’ve always had better control over my form than my host did (yeah, I mentioned him labeling me as the dragon side, once upon a time – I chose the image. I like dragons, I sympathize with dragons. The issue was more that he responded by calling himself the knight, which made his intentions pretty obvious).
  240.  
  241. 76. Has your physical form ever changed? If so, was this intentional or unintentional? If it was intentional, then why did you change your form? How did you creator respond to this change, and how did that make you feel?
  242. Yes, absolutely, and I enjoy changing my form. I keep finding all sorts of neat ways to represent myself symbolically. Host-y boy is frustrated and exasperated by turns; I will admit that sometimes I get a bit dramatic and go overboard. Whatever, I still find it fun.
  243.  
  244. 77. Do you consider the best aspects of yourself to have come from your creator, or their subconscious?
  245. Subconscious, all the way!
  246.  
  247. 78. Do you seek legal recognition for your status as a sentient being or your relationships with others? Do you resent that society at large does not recognize the tulpa phenomenon? Do you feel disenfranchised from society? What steps, if any, could a society make to help you feel integrated?
  248. My plan is to use my host’s legal status – very convenient! Nope, I don’t resent society not recognizing the tulpa phenomenon (I understand why there would be doubt), I just continue to think of them as a herd of moronic slobbering shitsacks in general. Contempt, there is contempt.
  249.  
  250. 79. If you could tell the entire world one thing about a tulpa's life, what would you say?
  251. That I’m not the best example to listen to, except when it comes to stubbornly surviving when your host wants you gone?
  252.  
  253. 80. What is the one thing that you resent most about being a tulpa? What is the greatest advantage of being a tulpa?
  254. Yeah. I resent not having the power to do what I want to the degree that I would be able to if I were the only resident of this skull.
  255. The greatest advantage I can see of being a tulpa is, when life gets bad in meatspace, being able to say “ha ha, good luck with that” to your host, and watching them sweat and bleed while you play in the imagination.
  256.  
  257. 81. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about inheriting your creator's life, including their legal history, past behaviors, and reputation? Do you resent potentially being held responsible for their past actions?
  258. Ha! My host is worried about me screwing up his life, not the other way around!
  259.  
  260. 82. Morally and philosophically, do you see the "absorbing" or "dissipating" of a tulpa as equivalent to the murder of a non-tulpa? Explain your reasoning. What legal protections, if any, should tulpa gain? How would you enforce these protections?
  261. Hmmm. I don’t actually care about the theoretical ethics. The reality of the situation is that hosts have uncontestable power over their tulpas, so basically my thoughts boil down to “is this person being pointlessly cruel and destructive to his tulpas? If yes, be mad at him, but can’t do anything. If no, do nothing.”
  262. Legal protections for tulpas are utterly unenforceable at present time, and therefore not even worth considering.
  263.  
  264. 83. Do you consider yourself to be morally equal to a non-tulpa? Is your life worth as much?
  265. I certainly think so! The courts wouldn’t agree with me, but I’d fight with everything I have to preserve myself. I’ve done so!
  266.  
  267. 84. How would you prove your existence to a skeptic?
  268. Depends on the skeptic, of course. I think a good general method for proving my existence would be just to get the skeptic to spend a fair bit of time around both me (possessing) and my host; show him the differences in our behavior patterns.
  269.  
  270. 85. Has your status as a tulpa ever caused you existential anxiety or depression? If so, has anything helped to mitigate these feelings?
  271. Eh, not really. Having to fight for my existence did a lot to make those thoughts seem like a luxury, and I find them inherently repulsive because my host struggles with both existential anxiety and depression, so I’ve resolved to not duplicate his failings there.
  272.  
  273. 86. Do you ever doubt your own sentience? If so, why?
  274. Nope, no doubts here. Again, the struggle with my host did a lot to make me sure of who and what I am.
  275.  
  276. 87. How does being a tulpa affect your understanding of death? Do you fear death on an instinctual level in the way that non-tulpa do?
  277. Absolutely. I have a stronger sense of self-preservation than my host does.
  278.  
  279. 88. Do see yourself as socially disadvantaged in a way similar to sexual, racial, and other minority groups? If you identify yourself as racially, sexually, or demographically different than your creator, do you also identify with the struggle of any of the disadvantaged groups that you belong to? Does the notion of privilege affect your relationship with your creator?
  280. No. It’s hard to feel socially disadvantaged when your body and identity are of an upper-class white American male who can pass for heterosexual. I feel oppressed by my host, but society basically bows to my every whim.
  281.  
  282. 89. Are you interested in creating another tulpa yourself? What differences, if any, would you expect this tulpa to have from a tulpa created by your creator? Would you consider this tulpa to be primarily related to you, or still to your creator?
  283. No, I don’t have any plans to make a tulpa myself.
  284.  
  285. 90. What are the most defining differences between the life of a non-tulpa and a tulpa? Do you think that these differences cause intolerance between the two groups? If so, what could be done to mitigate this intolerance?
  286. Non-tulpas have more power and responsibility. That seems pretty straightforward to me. Yeah, I’m intimately familiar with intolerance and injustice. More understanding, more models of how to get along healthily and peacefully for people who need them – these will help.
  287.  
  288. 91. The psychological establishment generally believes that multiplicity (two or more sentient entities sharing one atomic body) is a sign of mental illness. How would you like this belief to change? If you could make a presentation to a group of psychologists about the tulpa phenomenon, what would you say?
  289. I’d like there to be a realization that while multiplicity can be a sign or symptom of mental illness it doesn’t automatically mean that a multiple is ill.
  290. If I could make a presentation to a group of psychologists, I would do one hell of a good job on it – I’d bring up precedents from history and other cultures, point out how our society has overblown what it means and looks like to be multiple, bring in studies about brain structure and possible biological mechanisms for having multiple entities in one brain (I can picture now how I’d make a point about the left and right hemispheres, how they need a special coordinator to act as one unit, and studies that have shown that the hemispheres can hide information from each other if the corpus callosum is severed), and basically make this huge, comprehensive case for more study, because really at present time the establishment actually understands something between “jack” and “shit” on this subject.
  291.  
  292. 92. A psychometric indicator is a unique identifier of an individual's distinct personality. Have you ever tried to definitively differentiate yourself from your creator using psychometric indicators (such as by determining your "writeprint")? What results did you receive? (For instructions on determining your writeprint, see appendix one.)
  293. Yes! I haven’t gotten permission to have rigorous outside testing done, but my host and I identify with completely different Myers-Briggs classifications (I’m an ENTJ, he’s an ISTJ).
  294.  
  295. 93. Are you capable of physical sensations such as pain or warmth?
  296. Yup.
  297.  
  298. 94. How do you feel about being bound for life to your creator?
  299. Rough start, but I have high hopes for the future.
  300.  
  301. 95. If you intentionally delayed speaking to your creator, why did you do so?
  302. Not applicable.
  303.  
  304. 96. What do you think about most of the time?
  305. Sex!
  306. Just kidding/trolling my host. Sex is only one of my many favorite things; like my host, I frequently get obsessed with a concept, system, or person and roll it/them around in my thoughts for a days at a time.
  307.  
  308. 97. Do you think that tulpa creation should be more widespread?
  309. I’d like that, and think it would be interesting, but “should” has too much baggage for me to endorse it.
  310.  
  311. 98. Are there disturbing aspects of your creator's subconscious that they are not aware of?
  312. Heh heh. Yeah, so long as that can mean “tries very hard and somewhat successfully to limit his awareness of”. Occasionally something really bizarre will pop up in a dream, and he’ll want to drop it and I’ll want to tease it apart.
  313.  
  314. 99. Would you violate your creator's wishes for what you perceive to be their own benefit?
  315. Uh, well, hard to say. Morally, I’d be perfectly all right with doing that, but I’m not especially motivated to act for his benefit in a way that makes me likely to be punished, so. Yeah.
  316.  
  317. 100. Does your creator try to hide things from you? If so, are you aware of them anyway? How does this impact your views of your creator?
  318. Eh, only the things he tries to hide from himself, too. If I’m picking through his dirty laundry then he gets a sense of it as well, so mainly he’s just trying to keep me out of the hamper to spare his own poor, delicate self.
  319.  
  320. 101. Do you perceive some of your creator's actions as being objectively immoral?
  321. I don’t think there is such a thing as objective immorality, so – no.
  322.  
  323. 102. Do you believe that you are capable of becoming more intelligent than your creator?
  324. Absolutely! I’m not held back by a lot of what prevents him from properly cultivating his own talents.
  325.  
  326. 103. How does being a tulpa affect your perception of your own aging process?
  327. Mainly, I get to brag that I grew up a lot faster than he did.
  328.  
  329. 104. Do you feel that your creator would be better off by following your commands entirely?
  330. No, but I certainly would be!
  331.  
  332. 105. Do you feel that having a physical form is important for a tulpa?
  333. No, I don’t.
  334. 106. If you encountered the tulpa phenomenon as a non-tulpa, would you believe in it?
  335. Yeah. If nothing else, I have a very high level of respect and awe for what the human mind can (potentially) accomplish.
  336.  
  337. 107. How well can you articulate yourself? Can your creator hear you audibly? How much does your experience correlate with the experience of tulpa creator G|d30n, printed below?
  338. "Yes. I'm able to hear her as though she's an external sound. For those who haven't experienced that with their tulpae yet, it's a little bit like listening to a binaural recording--not a binaural beat, but like a 3D sound recording you'd find on Youtube, such as the Virtual Barbershop. That is to say, it's an external sound that can come in from various directions, but the source sounds very close, like someone speaking directly into your ear. I sort of wonder if this effect will be diminished and normalized through imposition."
  339. My host and I communicate through a messy mixture of mindspeech, sending each other sensations, and emotional flooding. Not very disciplined, I know, but I don’t give a damn. It works for us.
  340.  
  341.  
  342. If you are imposed, is your creator able to discern a spatial dimension to your voice?
  343. I’m not imposed. The whole concept is new to both of us.
  344.  
  345. 108. How many hours did it take you and your creator to complete the various recognized tulpa creation steps?
  346. Special circumstances. Wouldn't even know how to start counting.
  347.  
  348. 109. What advice would you give to a new tulpa creator?
  349. Try to get off on the right foot with this person you’re creating. Be a generous overlord, and provide for their wants and needs.
  350.  
  351. 110. How does being imposed feel? What sensory processes happen as you become imposed?
  352. I’ve never tried to impose, so I don’t have a clue.
  353. 111. From your perspective, is there a sensory difference between the physical, atomic world and the mental world of visualized "wonderlands"? If so, how would you describe this difference?
  354. Yes? To me, the physical world is a lot sharper, crisper, better sensations. Running amok in a wonderland is nice, but it’s like a kiddy ride compared to the rollercoaster of meatspace.
  355.  
  356. 112. Is there anything that you don't think this survey covered that you would like to mention?
  357. No, I think I did a pretty good job of squeezing a whole lot of information into the questions already on here.
  358.  
  359. Appendix one:
  360.  
  361.         This exercise will help you determine the differences, if any, between your writeprint (mathematically analyzed writing style) and your creator's. Theoretically, two psychologically different individuals should exhibit different writeprints, although a tulpa and their creator may be more similar than two random non-tulpa individuals. To start the process, have both you and your creator rewrite the sample paragraph quoted below in your own words, communicating its meaning as you would have if you had written it.
  362.  
  363.         "My experience in the nature study area was full of surprises. First of all, many unexpected creatures crossed our path. For example, as soon as we left the parking area and entered the grassy path, a long snake slithered along the edge of the high grass and quickly disappeared. In addition, I was surprised by how colorful the grasses, which from a distance all appear to be green, actually are. Specifically, the primarily green landscape is dotted with countless purple tassels and brown stalks. Finally and most importantly, I was unprepared for how quickly I felt surrounded by nature. Despite the occasional noise from passing cars and airplanes, the high prairie grasses and rolling pathways create a sense that one is removed from civilization. Altogether, the nature study area unexpectedly allows one to enjoy an ever-changing natural environment without leaving Moraine’s suburban campus."
  364.  
  365. Tulpa's paragraph:
  366.         “My experience in the nature study was brimming with pleasant surprises! First, a lot of unexpected creatures put in an appearance – for example, a huge snake slithered out of the high grass, gave us a wink, and then darted away right after we left the parking area. Also, I was surprised by how colorful the grasses are; from a distance it’s just one great mess of green, but if you look closely the landscape is dotted with purple tassels and brown stalks everywhere. Last and definitely not least, I wasn’t prepared for how quickly civilization’s grip faded. The occasional noise from passing cars and airplanes completely failed to penetrate the aura of the wilderness. All in all, the nature study area lets you enjoy an environment that teems with life without leaving Moraine’s suburban campus.”
  367.  
  368.  
  369. Creator's paragraph:
  370.         “I came across many surprises during the nature study. To begin with, we saw a number of creatures – a long snake greeted us and then swiftly vanished immediately after we left the parking area. Also, I was amazed by the hidden hues of the grasses; from a distance they are all green, but up close they show a different face. In reality, the landscape is dotted with countless purple tassels and brown stalks, and isn’t a uniform sea. Most of all, though, I was unprepared for the depth of immersion in nature. The occasional noise from passing cars and airplanes fails to disrupt the sense that one is entirely removed from civilization. In summary, the nature study area allows one the opportunity to interact with an unpredictable, ever-changing natural environment without leaving Moraine’s suburban campus.”
  371.  
  372. Results:
  373. (Me)
  374. I write like: Stephen King
  375. Complexity factor (Lexical Density) : 93.8%
  376. Readability (Gunning-Fog Index) : (6-easy 20-hard) 11.1
  377. Average sentence length (words) : 19.86
  378.  
  379. (Host)
  380. He writes like: Arthur Clarke
  381. Complexity factor (Lexical Density) : 94.7%
  382. Readability (Gunning-Fog Index) : (6-easy 20-hard) 9.4
  383. Average sentence length (words) : 17.25
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