Uirouuri

Made for Polka's amazing rendition of this story.

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Main story
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Uirouuri (The uirou seller)

Sessha oyakata to mousu wa, otachiai no uchi ni, gozonji no okata mo gozarimashou ga, Oedo wo tatte nijuuri kamigata, Soushuu, Odawara, Isshikimachi wo suginasarete, Aomono-chou wo nobori he oide nasarureba, Rankanbashi Toraya Touuemon tadaima teihatsu itashite Ensai to nanorimasuru.
(Some amongst you, who have gathered here today, might already know the story behind how the master of the store I work at earned that title. If one were to set off on a 20-ri[1] journey from Edo to Kyoto, travelling past Soushuu[2], Odawara, Isshiki[3], and arriving at Aomono-machi, one would find my master's store, Toraya - Touuemon, his name was, but he has now shaved his head[4] and is called Ensai - at Rankanbashi.)

Ganchou yori ootsugomori made ote ni iremasuru kono kusuri wa, mukashi Chin no kuni no toujin, Uirou to iu hito wa waga chou he kitari. Mikado he sandai no ori kara, kono kusuri wo fukaku komeoki, mochiuru toki wa ichiryuuzutsu kanmuri no sukima yori toridasu. Yotte, sono na wo mikado yori touchinkou to tamawaru. Sunawachi, monji ni wa, itadaki suku nioi to kaite, touchinkou to mousu.
(Now, regarding this medicine, which you can find at our store at any time from Genchou [4a] to Oomisoka [4b]. A long time ago, a visitor from the country of Chin[5], named Uirou[6], had an audience with the Emperor. At that time, Uirou kept this medicine in his headdress, and would extract small pieces of it through a small gap in his headdress whenever the need presented itself. Upon seeing it, the Emperor gave it the name "touchinkou". It was written with the kanji for "gap", "top", and "fragrance", for it was the fragrance that dwelt at the top of his head, in the gap of his hat.)

Tadaima wa, kono kusuri, koto no hoka sejou ni hiromari, houbou ni nise kanban wo idashi. Iya, Odawara no, Haidawara no, Sandawara no, Sumidawara no to, iroiro ni mousedo mo hiragana wo motte, uirou to shiruseshi wa oyakata Ensai bakari. Moshiya, otachiai no uchi ni, Atami ka Tounosawa he touji ni oide nasaru ka, mata wa Ise sanguu no ori kara wa, kanarazu kadomachigai nasaremasuru na.
(Yet in the present time, this medicine has become exceptionally famous, and one will frequently encounter billboards advertising ineffective imitations of it. All sorts of silly stores, calling themselves Odawara, Haidawara, Sandawara, Sumidawara and whatnot[7]. But one must keep in mind that the only one who writes Uirou in hiragana to advertise this medicine is my master, Ensai. If some among you, who are gathered here today, have plans to travel to Atami or Tounosawa[8] to enjoy the hot springs, or to visit Ise[9], I urge you to be careful not to enter the wrong store.)

Onobori naraba migi no kata, okudari nareba hidarigawa, happou ga yatsumune omote ga mitsumune, gyokudouzukuri, hafu ni wa, kiku ni kiri no tou no gomon wo goshamen atte, keizu tadashiki kusuri de gozaru.
(If one is going up the road to Kamigata, on their right hand, if one is going down the road to Edo, on their left hand, there lies our store. The roof consists of eight triangles[10], with three bejewelled ridges in the front, and the gable is decorated with emblems of chrysanthemum and paulownia, with the Emperor's permission[11] - a store of much renown, for generations.)

Iya, saizen yori kamei no jiman bakari moushite mo, gozonji no kata ni wa, shoushin no koshou no marunomi, shirakawa yofune. Saraba ichiryuu tabekakete, sono ki miai wo ome ni kakemashou. Mazu kono kusuri wo kayou ni hitotsubu shita no ue ni nosemashite fukunai he osamemasuru to, iya, doumo ienu wa i-shin-hai-kan ga sukoyaka ni ainatte, kunpuu nondo yori kitari. Kouchuu biryou wo shouzuru ga gotoshi, gyo, chou, kinoko, menrui no kuiawase, sono hoka manbyou sokkou aru koto kami no gotoshi.
(Now, I have boasted about the fame of our store long enough, but for those among you who have never heard of Uirou before, much like one who has never swallowed a grain of pepper whole cannot understand the sensation, for those of you who have let the fame of our medicine pass them by as if they slept like the proverbial Shirakawa Yofune[12], I shall take a drop of it so as to demonstrate its effects. All you need to do is place a fragment of this medicine on your tongue, and swiftly swallow it - and lo and behold, your stomach, heart, lungs and liver will instantly feel healthy and refreshed, and a fragrance much like a summer breeze will emerge from your mouth. If your stomach is protesting against whatever combination of fish, bird meat, mushrooms, or noodles you may have eaten, or if you are suffering from any other affliction, this medicine will make you feel better, so fast that it touches upon the territory of the gods themselves.)

Sate kono kusuri, daiichi no kimyou ni wa, shita no mawaru koto ga, zenigoma ga hadashi de nigeru. Hyotto shita ga mawaridasu to ya mo tate mo tamaranu ja. Sorya, sorya, sora, sorya, mawatte kita wa mawatte kuru wa.
(Now, believe it or not, one of its many wondrous effects is that it makes your tongue move so fast, that even a zenigoma[13] would run off in shame at its speed. No arrow could may stop it, no shield may block it. Behold behold, lo and behold, my tongue rolls, my tongue rolls.)

Awaya nondo, satarana shita ni kage sa shion. Hama no futatsu wa, kuchibiru no keichou, kaigou, sawayaka ni.
(A, wa, ya you say with your throat. Sa, ta, ra, na with your tongue. Ka with your teeth. Ha and ma you pronounce via minute movements of your lips.)

-------Tongue twisters start here--------

Akasatana, hamayarawa, okosotono, homoyorowo[14].
Hitotsu hegi hegi ni, hegihoshi, hajikami. (Hegi is a thin strip peeled off a material, such as wood, hegihoshi is a square tray made with said strips, and hajikami is another word for ginger.)
Bonmame, bongome, bongobou (Obon beans, obon rice, obon burdock)
Tsumitade, tsumimame, tsumisanshou (Plucked knotweed, plucked beans, plucked pepper)
Shoshazan no shasoujou (the high priest of Mount Shosha)
Kogome no namagami, kogome no namagami, konkogome no konamagami[15] (Chewing crushed rice, chewing crushed rice, chewing this little crushed rice)
Shusu, hijusu, shusu, shuchin (Satin, scarlet satin, satin, multicolored satin)
Oya mo kahei, ko mo kahei, oya kahei ko kahei, ko kahei oya kahei (The parent a palace guard, the child a palace guard, parent palace guard child palace guard, child palace guard parent palace guard)
Furukuri no ki no furukirikuchi (An old dent from a cut on an old chestnut tree)
Amagappa ka bangappa ka (A raincoat or a cheap[16] raincoat?)
Kisama no kyahan mo kawagyahan, warera ga gyahan mo kawagyahan (Your leggings are leather leggings, our leggings are also leather leggings)
Shikkawabakama no shippokorobi wo, mihariharinaga ni chotto nuute, nuute chotto bundase (Sew the seam on the leather hakama that has come apart with a broad needle, sew it and put them on, then come out front)
Kawaranadeshiko nozekichiku (large pink, China pink[17])
Nora nyorai nora nyorai minora nyorai ni munora nyorai (A stray nyorai, a stray nyorai, three stray nyorai, and six stray nyorai[18])
Chotto saki no okobotoke ni oketsumazukyaruna (Be careful not to trip over the small Buddha statues on the road ahead)
Hosomizo ni dojo nyorori (The narrow gutter is a breeding ground for loaches)
Kyou no namadara nara namamanakatsu wo chotto shigokanme (Raw gadidae from Kyoto, raw butterfish from Nara, 4-5 kan of them[19])
Ochadacho chadacho chattotacho chadacho, aotake chasen de ochachatto tacha (Make some tea, make some tea, make some tea real quick, make some tea with a green bamboo tea whisk real quick)
Kuru wa kuru wa nani ga kuru kouya no yama no okokera kozou (It's coming, it's coming, what's coming, it's the Okokera Kozou from Mount Kouya[20])
Tanuki hyappiki hashi hyakuzen tenmoku hyappai bou happyappon (A hundred tanuki, a hundred chopsticks, a hundred rice bowls, eight hundred poles)
Bugu, bagu, bugu, bagu, mibugubagu awasete bugu bagu mubugubagu (Armor, horse armor, armor, horse armor, three armors and three horse armors, put the armors and horse armors together and you have six armors and horse armors)
Kiku kuri kiku kuri mikikukuri awasete kiku kuri mukikukuri (Chrysanthemum, chestnut, chrysanthemum, chestnut, three chrysanthemums and three chestnuts, put the chrysanthemums and chestnuts together and you have six chrysanthemums and chestnuts)
Mugi gomi mugi gomi mimugigomi awasete mugi gomi mumugigomi (Wheat, trash, wheat, trash, three pieces of wheat and three pieces of trash, put the wheat and trash together and you have six pieces of wheat and trash)
Ano nageshi no naganaginata wa ta ga naganaginata zo (Whose long naginata is the long naginata that's on the nageshi[21])
Mukou no gomagara wa eno gomagara ka magomagara ka (Is that sesame shell over there the sesame shell of wild sesame, or the sesame shell of normal sesame?)
Are koso hon no magomagara (That is, undoubtedly, a normal sesame shell)
Karapiikarapii kazaguruma (Crackle crackle[22], pinwheel)
Okyagarekoboshi okiyagare koboushi (Self-righting doll, wake up young priest[23])
Yunbe mo koboshite mata koboshita (You wet your bed last night, and you wet it again)
Taapupopo taapupopo chirikara chirikara tsuttappo [This is most likely just onomatopoeia for the sound of a hand drum]
Tappo tappo iccho dako [Tappo tappo is the same as last sentence, iccho dako could either mean "one octopus" or "one kite that's as big as a town district, or at least really big"]
Ochitara nite kuo nite mo yaite mo kuwarenu mono wa (If it falls to the ground, boil it and eat it, but things you can't eat even if you roast or boil them are)
Gotoku tekkyuu Kanaguma-Douji ni (A kettle stand, a steel ball, and Kanaguma-Douji[24])
Ishikuma ishimochi Torakuma torakisu (Ishikuma, silver white croaker, Torakuma, sillago[25])
Naka ni mo touji no Rashoumon ni wa (Among them, at Rashoumon in Toji, Kyoto)
Ibaraki-Douji ga ude guri gongou tsukande onsharu (Lives Ibaraki-Douji, holding his own severed arm[26])
Ka no Raikou no hizamoto sarazu (They stand by the famous Raikou)
Funa kinkan shitake sadamete godan na (Carp, kumquat, shiitake, absolutely[27] - and for dessert)
Sobagiri soumen udon ka gudon na koshinbochi (Soba, soumen, udon, or an asinine neophyte priest)
Kodana no koshita no kooke ni komiso ga koaru zo (There's mini-miso in the mini-bucket that's mini-below the mini-shelf)
Kojakushi komotte kosukutte koyokose (Mini-take this mini-ladle, mini-scoop some out and mini-give it to me)
Otto gaten da, kokoroe tanbo no (Oh, I get it, I understand, it's that paddy field)
Kawasaki Kanagawa Hodogaya Totsuka wa hashitte ikeba (Let's run towards Kawasaki, Kanagawa, Hodogaya, Totsuka[28])
Yaito wo surimuku sanri bakari ka (If you scrape the hollow below your knee, burn some moxa on it[29])
Fujisawa Hiratsuka ooisogashiya koiso no shuku wo (Go past the Fujisawa and Hiratsuka inns, and choose the busy inn next to the small beach in Ooiso)
Nanatsu oki shite souten sousou Soushuu Odawara touchinkou (Wake up early, leave the inn in a hurry at 4am, and head for Soushuu and Odawara, with some touchinkou)
Kakure gozaranu kisengunju no hana no Oedo no hana uirou (Uirou is at the height of its prosperity, for it is not hidden by anyone [30] - wildly popular among both the rich and the poor, in the luxuriously blooming Edo)
Are ano hana wo mite okokoro wo oyawaragi ya to iu (Pray, look at that flower, it is said that it can calm your heart)
Ubugo hauko ni itaru made kono uirou wo gohyouban ("From the baby's birth until it can crawl", such is Uirou's glorious reputation)
Gozonji nai to wa mousare maimai tsuburi (You cannot say that its name you've never heard, a snail's head[31])
Tsuno dase bou dase boubou mayu ni (Poke your horns out, poke your antennae out, poke your eyebrows out)
Usu kine suribachi bachibachi guwara guwara guwara to (Millstone, mallet, mortar, crackle crackle, clatter clatter[32])

-------Tongue twisters end here--------

Hame wo hazushite konnichi oide no izure mo sama ni (Come one, come all, forget restraint for today)
Ageneba naranu uraneba naranu to (I wish to sell every last ounce of this medicine to you,)
Iki sei hippari (So steel yourselves, take a deep breath)
Touhou sekai no kusuri no motojime yakushi nyorai mo shouran are to (Behold the efficacy of this medicine, whose source is Bhaisajyaguru[33] who lives in the world of joruri[34] himself, and can ease the pain of any creature in creation)
Hohou uyamatte (With respect, I thus ask[35])
Uirou wa irassharimasenu ka? (Do you, perhaps, need some uirou?)

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Footnotes
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1: One ri is approximately 4km, or 2.5 miles
2: Present-day Kanagawa
3: Present-day Nishio
4: Meaning he became a Buddhist monk, but apparently not in the modern sense of joining a monastery, it was more like retirement
4a: New Year's morning, January 1st
4b: New Year's Eve, December 31st
5: A blanket term for unknown foreign countries
6: Not a proper name, but a job title. Literally means a seller of an Edo-era medicine, that was used as an antisussive and breath freshener.
7: Tawara is a straw bag that merchandise is stored in, these names are mostly jokes.
8: Present-day Hakone
9: Present-day Mie
10: Example photo here: https://blogimg.goo.ne.jp/user_image/4c/e1/bc8cc53992d5400513cd8ccd8ad08b45.jpg
11: Both were considered to be under the Emperor's jurisdiction, and couldn't be used unless one had his permission
12: An expression referring to someone who's sleeping so soundly, they can't perceive anything around them
13: A spinning top made by tying coins together
14: This is just a tongue twister, based on the previous sentence, to show off how eloquent the medicine has made him.
15: Until the middle of the Edo period, it was common for rice to break during threshing, and those pieces were called kogome (small rice). It was unpleasant to chew, hence the mention of chewing it.
16: The prefix "ban" here refers to something mass-produced and low-quality
17: Both are names of flowers
18: Nyorai refers to high-ranking Buddhist deities
19: One kan is approximately 3.75kg, or 7.5 pounds
20: The meaning of this is unknown, but it's speculated to be homosexuality-related slang referring to two temples, Kongoubuji of Mount Kouya and Seigantoji of Mount Nachi, both of which were known for their high homosexual activity.
21: The beam connecting two columns in a traditional Japanese house
22: This is most likely onomatopoeia connected to the previously mentioned sesame shells
23: The second half here could also mean "stop fooling around" in Edo period slang, depending on how it's read
24: Kanaguma-douji is one of the four underlings of the infamous Shuten Douji, and Kanaguma is written with the kanji for "steel bear", so it's connected to metal just like the other two examples
25: Ishikuma and Torakuma are also two of Shuten Douji's underlings, Ishikuma-Douji and Torakuma-Douji. Croaker and sillago are fish, and are quite edible despite the speaker's claims, which is probably part of the joke.
26: Ibaraki-Douji's arm was cut off by a warrior named Watanabe no Tsuna, but he got it back, and continued to live around Rashoumon while carrying it around. Also, this sentence could be a pun between ude (arm) and yudeguri (steamed chestnuts)
27: These four words are puns referring to Raikou's four lieutenants - Watanabe no Tsuna, Sakata Kintoki, Urabe Suetake, and Usui Sadamitsu respectively
28: This is most likely a pun continuing from the previous line, referring to the attitude of leaving everything to chance. That would make those two lines "Oh, I get it, I understand, let's leave everything to chance and go take Kawasaki, Kanagawa etc..."
29: Burning moxa is called "sanri", but sanri can also mean "three ri" (see footnote #1). This means that Kawasaki and Totsuka are close, so if you scrape your knee while running from one to the other, the distance is only "sanri" so you can put some "sanri" on it.
30: Meaning that everyone in the world knows about it
31: This is just a pun
32: All three of the objects mentioned make noise, so this is meant to evoke a noisy and lively environment
33: A Buddha said to be able to cure all ills
34: A type of dramatic recitation
35: "Hohou" here is both a hearty laugh, and a pun on the word "hohou", meaning a "revitalizing treatment that stimulates the organs or the meridians in Chinese medicine"

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Notes
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This story was written in 1718, and contains a heavy dose of contemporary references and jokes that are either lost to time, or wouldn't make much sense today. Humor at the time had a tendency to focus more on homophones and puns than on making any actual sense, which is why some of these sound so nonsensical.
Nowadays, it's often used as voice training for actors, voice actors, announcers and the like, due to how complex and tricky it is to pronounce properly. It's said to take about 8 minutes to tell, which makes Polka's version pretty damn impressive. Sasuga.

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Sources:
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https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E5%A4%96%E9%83%8E%E5%A3%B2
https://www.benricho.org/kotoba_lesson/Uirouri/gendaigoiyaku.html
https://blog.goo.ne.jp/yokikotokiku/e/0b4405a81f39462991fdb4077a7a7ba7