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I was raised by a borderline single mother.

Probably this is enough for me to explain. You will most likely understand everything that I'm going to explain later in this huge post. So if you are not patient enough to read all of this, what’s the best advice you can give me? Is everything already sabotaged, despite me being independent right now and trying to sort out the mental issues that have arised? Should I just go ahead and proceed with killing myself?

I literally have no other path than success. I can’t be “average” anymore. I literally wasted my middle school and high school years being an emotionless, socially retarded robot, as I didn’t understand early enough what my situation required me to do.

I have no good memories, absolutely no satisfaction or achievement in literally anything (well, except me graduating from highschool and entering a college, but it's not very important stuff, being a literal human robot it was easy for me). Success is literally my last resort.

For those who do not understand my literal curse of a situation, it's like the worst environment one can be in. If you try to complain about it, you will appear as one of those human scums who only complain (e.g. that your mother is taking good care of you and you complain, etc). Trust me, I’m not one of those. But to sum up: You are not tortured, you are not hungry, or cold, or in a war zone, but you are literally in “DE-ACTIVATED” mode. This is probably the most accurate I can get right now in my depressive, desperate mood.

It took me years to realise this. Why I wasn’t as masculine as I was expecting myself to be. Why my personality type was forced into introvert despite my mind putting great emphasis with connections with other people. Why I always seemed to be waiting for something and procrastinating severely instead of taking action. Why I had such a TINY comfort zone. Why I had to lose my virginity with a prostitute at the late age of 17 when I could’ve been ready much earlier (I was and still am high testosterone) and do it with a decent girl. I feel extremely sorry for the last thing, but being a virgin at 20 was not to be a solution for me. Because now I’m 20 and still have no sexual partner, despite looking way better that I did before. I literally have girls checking me out but I’m too mentally unstable to maintain a conversation in a relaxed manner...

But it doesn't matter anymore. Although I’m still stuck in the past, at least now I’m finally independent from my mother’s borderline environment (Have my own tiny apartment and earn the monthly needed money from a part time job (programming CSS/JS that I barely even know, but whatever) and some other small things. I’m looking forward to the future, no matter how uncertain it is.

I’m motivated right now. Which is a good thing. I at least found myself two pleasurable things in the past few years: lifting weights and listening/mixing/promoting music. At least that’s what I was able to do, also assuming the not so good financial situation. Lifting made me more motivated as it gave my depressed brain some serotonin (and testosterone of course). Also I cut my masturbation drastically to once a week right now , to absolutely maximize my test levels.

But there are a few problems...

First of all, my poor brain was never satisfied enough and always confused. So from fully depressed I turned Bipolar Type 2. Also have OCD. Also delusionally psychotic. Should I carry on?

The mental issues are both a good and a bad thing in my case. Imagine this: If I were to be fully mentally stable, how would’ve I been? Completely emasculated and feminine, living with his mother, with no outlook on life, set to be generic, routined and borderline forever. A standard “beta” male, probably married to a fat whale at the age of 45.

At least my mental issues have driven me toward being independent and earning my own money without a monotonous way of life.

It’s perfect so far. But man, it’ll be a long way to success… And if I don’t make it, I’ll feel more miserable than now.

This is what I fear most, not making it. Now I have the balls to kill myself, but later… Later I’ll just become an alcoholic hobo who will suffer a slow and painful death from liver failure. I’ll be hated by everyone, which is my absolute fear. I need to give something to this world, somehow...

I cling on to this small chance, but I need a strategy.

But which one will it be? The college I’m at right now is studying political sciences. So I have a chance of getting into politics if I have good ass-licking techniques.

I could try with computers as I have good knowledge of them, but it’s an extremely saturated domain with literally no more niches.

Anything else will require some time and advice from a good mentor. Which I was yet to find. The best mentor that I had so far is a guy at my gym who trains a rugby team. He was literally my life savior, taught me some of the most essential things that I need as an independent male. But he knows zero business. I set my hopes up to find someone at my college who can be as honest enough with me as that trainer guy was.

But how can I improve my social life, as it is absolutely needed for success? I can barely manage to keep in touch with someone that I meet (as expected, being exposed to introverted environments made me the same)

Also, again, I’ll have to work around the fact that I’m Bipolar and defaulting introvert. Crazy fact, during my manic episodes I briefly turn fully extrovert, but I'm too agitated and my attention span is too little to do anything useful.

Is there a way to “re-calibrate” myself faster? Of course, over time with repeated socialisation and more positive things, it will sort itself out, but time is ticking away...