Advice Anon

Dec 25th, 2015
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  1. >It was a wonderful day out in Ponyville
  2. >The morning air was crisp as the sun hung high in the sky
  3. >Ponies were out and about, selling their wares, making their way to their jobs and even running around with their friends
  4. >All was well and good and fine
  5. >But amidst this lovely, wonderful day and all of these happy ponies strode a young colt with a purpose
  6. >Button Mash walked through the town with exhaustion clear on his face
  7. >It was clear that something was bothering the eight year old, something that needed to be laid out in the open for someone else to examine so they could fix it
  8. >But therein lies the problem for young Button
  9. >While he had the sense to go out to look for another that could counsel him on his problems his options were limited
  10. >He couldn't go to his friends because eight years olds really weren't known for their wisdom
  11. >His mother would only make the problem worse so he couldn't go to her
  12. >He had already tried to talk to Ms. Cheerilee about it but like most teachers that weren't paid enough she had done jack all
  13. >He didn't know Princess Twilight well enough to ask her for any advice so she was a no go
  14. >Go, with so few options limited to him, Button had decided to go to a third party
  15. >A psychiatrist to be more precise
  16. >While Button, being eight and therefore too young to get a job or sling salt on the streets like a young G, usually wouldn't be able to afford the service of a psychiatrist he was in luck
  17. >A doctor of the mind had just set up shop in the little town, and unlike most of his competitors he worked at a shockingly low price
  18. >In Button's mouth was a small bit bag; the money that his mother gave him to play video games at the local arcade
  19. >Usually he'd be using this money to play Alleyway Tusslers 2 until his eyes were bloodshot and his hooves were cramping but today that money would serve a different purpose
  20. >A purpose that Button honestly wished it didn't need to serve but it had to be done
  21. >He could always get more money next week
  22. >To his surprise and relief the doctor's office appeared over the horizon
  23. >Nestled in between Carrot Top's carrot stand and Bonbon's candy stand was a rickety structure that could have been mistaken for a lemonade stand
  24. >A bad lemonade stand that a child had constructed with glue, bits of wood, and hopes and prayers
  25. >But Button knew to never judge a book by its cover
  26. >Some of the greatest and most life-changing things almost never looked grand or spectacular and Button knew in his heart of hearts at this run down looking stand had... something
  27. >A spark, an aura about it
  28. >The person behind the stand looked about as plain as the stand that he worked
  29. >Wearing a tasteful gray suit with a red tie, Dr. Anonymous, looking lively even at this early hour, was sitting behind his stand with an aura of a man that couldn't give less of a fuck
  30. >His feet were kicked up, he had his nose in the latest issue of Play Mare, and he was pointly ignoring the glares that Bonbon and Carrot Top were throwing his way every few seconds
  31. >This was the man that Button had come all this was to converse
  32. >This hyoo-man, this sage, was going to help him figure out his problem and make his young life all the better
  33. >For one measly payment of five bits
  34. >A certain nervousness overtook Button as he stared at the giant man before him
  35. >A nervousness that one can only experience when facing something new and unknown
  36. >But like a good colt Button swallowed the lump in his throat, climbed onto the stool in front of the stand, and cleared his throat
  37. >"Dr. Anon, I have a--"
  38. >Not looking away from his magazine Anon loudly cleared his throat and tapped the jar sitting on the counter
  39. >Getting the idea, Button fished out five bits and tossed them into the jar
  40. >The second that those five little gold coins hit the glass bottom Anonymous sat properly in his stool, he put his magazine under the counter, and he regarded Button with a smile
  41. >"Well, Dr. Anon, I got a problem that I need help solving. A big problem."
  42. "A problem you say?" Anon said, scratching his chin. "Well you've came to the right place."
  43. >Button could feel the human's eyes search his face
  44. >He felt naked under that sharp, piercing gaze
  45. >It felt like the doctor was not only staring at him but his SOUL
  46. "I've been known to give a little bit of wisdom to those who ask for it every now and again. So what can I do for ya little guy?"
  47. >Button found himself looking away from Anon's face, instead keeping his focus on the counter top
  48. >"W-Well there's this colt at school who keeps bullying me," he began. "And I don't know how to get him to leave me alone."
  49. >The doctor hummed
  50. "Aw, you have yourself a tormentor eh? A taker of lunch money and homework?"
  51. >Button nodded, a feeling of frustration and helplessness overcoming him
  52. >"Yeah! I tried to talk to the Ms. Cheerilee about it but she doesn't do anything about it!"
  53. "Have you tried to confront your aggressor like a gentlemen and talk your differences into submission?"
  54. >"I can't do anything without him beating me up! I TRIED to talk to him because that's what mom said to do with bullies but he beat me up. I tried to tell on him but it didn't work and he beat me up, and I tried to stay away from him but he found me and beat me up!"
  55. >Anonymous tapped his fingers against his counter, his brow furrowed
  56. "Have you tried to settle your differences by challenging the antagonists to a battle of brawn?"
  57. >Button finally looked back up at his doctor, confusion etched onto his features
  58. >"You mean fight him? No, I didn't try to fight him," he said with a shake of his head. "Mom said that you shouldn't get into fights with other ponies. And besides, he's a lot bigger than me..."
  59. "Nonsense!" Anon cried, getting out of his stool and standing up to his full height. "Fighting is a gentleman's pastime!"
  60. >Ignoring the looks that Bonbon and Carrot of the Tops were giving his mentor, Button cocked his head to the side
  61. >"...Really?"
  62. "Absolutely," Anon responded with the confidence of an all-knowing sage. "Some of history's smartest, some charismatic fellows were notorious knuckle busters!"
  63. >"But why does everypony say that you shouldn't fight bullies then?" Button innocently asked
  64. >Holding his stomach, Anon threw back his head and let out a belly laugh that echoed through the streets
  65. "It's a simple test, my good colt! An imagined barrier that those who wish to spread fear and lord over others administer so that the common man cannot rise up to match them!"
  66. >Anon spread his arms out way as if to take a hold of the heavens themselves
  67. "They tell you that violence is never the answer, but BLAH I say! The only reason why you or I stand here today because our ancestors fought tooth and nail! Violence is in our blood, violence is in our BONES!"
  68. >Button's nose scrunched up
  69. >"Really?" he said again, sounding far more unsure than he had the first time he uttered the word
  70. >If Anon was disheartened that his teachings were being met with skepticism he didn't show it
  71. >In fact he seemed happy to defend them
  72. "One of the greatest nations on my earth had a saying: Speak softly and carry a stick. That stick wasn't used to talk your grievances out. No, it was used for an entirely different diplomacy altogether."
  73. >Though it sounded like a load of horse apples, Button couldn't help but feel himself becoming more excited
  74. >Like a child that had just learned a new rule
  75. >What if the doctor was saying was right?
  76. >What he could solve his problems with violence?
  77. >It seemed to work awfully well for his bully
  78. >And if a whole nation, a GREAT nation, so endorsed beating other ponies with sticks then who was he to question their wisdom?
  79. >"...But the bully's a lot bigger than me and if I get into a fight my mom will probably yell at me..." Button said, the consequences of this path rearing their ugly heads
  80. >Reaching over the counter Anon patted the young colt on the head
  81. "It is always simpler to ask for forgiveness than permission," he said knowingly. "And what is a simple grounding or a talking to if you need some swift and punishing force to stop your bully?"
  82. >Reaching under the counter, the doctor pulled out a tree branch and set it out on the counter
  83. "And as for your bully's size and strength you simply need a weapon to slay the giant."
  84. >Button stared at the club with a frown, scenarios and outcomes forming and playing out in his head
  85. >The sensible part of him said to just go home and tell his mother
  86. >She'd talk to the bully's parents and he'd be left alone
  87. >...
  88. >But what if she couldn't help him?
  89. >Was he destined to forever to beaten up for his milk money and his crayons?
  90. >What if this WAS the only solution to his problems?
  91. >Picking up the stick Button hoisted it up high into the air
  92. >Though not made of metal, it seemed to shoan in the sunlight
  93. >Grasping his weapon in both hooves, Button uttered a sentence that would start him on a new adventure
  94. >"I'm gonna smack him right on the back of the head with this..."
  95. >Anonymous beamed as Button hopped out of the stool with stick in hoof, proud to unleash his newest disciple onto the world
  96. >"Thanks for the help, Dr. Anon!"
  97. "Remember, young stallion, though you always don't get to pick your battles when you do make sure that the guys looking the other way!"
  98. >Bonbon, who looked equal parts annoyed and horrified, stood beside the human as he waved the young colt off
  99. >"...What the buck are you even a doctor of?" she asked
  100. >Anonymous's nose scrunched
  101. "Doctor of fucking your mother that's what I'm a doctor of," he replied with all of the grace of his situation, pulling out his Play Mare and opening it back up. "And let me tell ya the whole fucking your mother market is a boomin'."
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