Friend-Lord Anon II: Live and Let Friend

>Be Inquisitor Anon, protector of mankind, vanquisher of daemons, defender of humanity from unthinkable evils on the behalf of the God-Emperor of Mankind himself
>Or at least you used to be
>Now you're "friend-lord" anon, and the Emperor seems more interested in sleeping with xenos than purging them
>Last night you made a choice, deciding to stay and try to fulfil your new role, rather than returning to your old role
>You're still not 100% sure you made the right choice, but today's a new day, so may as well roll with it
>Dinner last night was good, but you were glad to return to your chambers and sleep, hoping the following day would be less hectic
>Your sleep had been plagued yet again by unbidden, heretical dreams of one of the princesses
>As you turn your mind away from that one dream about Luna and all that whipped cream, you get up
>In the grim, dark future of the 41st millennium, there is still the Shit Shower Shave.
>After performing the triple S, you put on your last clean outfit
>That white seamstress xeno better have your new clothes ready soon
>Feeling more awake, you try to decide what to do with yourself for the day
>Lounging around in the sun wasn't too bad
>And you'd a great idea
>The spess mehrines were there as your body guard
>Obviously they would protect you from an attack, but they could protect you from other things...
>... like having to interact with these backward xenos
>All you had to do was fob anyone off with a huge super soldier, and you could be left in peace
>You wonder if you could requisition some amsec
>As you leave your chambers, you make a note to ask the Emperor next time you see him
>Heck, you could just say it's an important diplomatic tool
>Although you get the feeling he wouldn't particular mind ordering a big crate...
>Or three

>10 minutes later, you're enjoying the sun, sitting out on the grass by a load of statues
>A pair of marines are waiting a respectful distance away
>You're not sure if you should get a hobby or something
>Lying around might get old pretty quickly
>Also, it never hurts to better yourself, something which came in useful as an inquisitor
>Back then of course, you would practice shooting. Or "questioning" if you were lucky and had a few extra heretics lying around
>Those were probably not going to help you as a friend-lord
>Maybe you could learn to juggle or something
>Your musings are interrupted by the sound of hooves
>You relax, knowing that whatever problem you're posed, you're just going to pass it off to your guard
>"Ah told ya there was an alien!"
>"He doesn't look that dangerous! Rainbow Dash could take him!"
>You roll over lazily and see three small, awestruck xenos looking at you
>"Excuse me mister, are you an alien?" the white one asks
>You stare at them in silence for a moment, your face straight
>They fidget nervously before you finally answer
No. You're the aliens.
>This provokes a shocked reaction
>"Ahm not an alien!"
>"Whaddya mean alien!? You're the alien around here!"
>The orange one puffs her chest out in what's probably supposed to be an aggressive manner as she says that
Well, you're not humans. You're xenos. Aliens. Case closed
>You roll over onto your back again, as the little creatures stand in silence
>You may have just blown their minds.
>The three of them form a huddle and whisper intently between themselves
>They occasionally glance over to you, before continuing
>After a few minutes, the white one breaks off and speaks
>"Ummmm, mister? If we're aliens, how come we're not green? Or in a flying saucer?"
>You smile inwardly
>Not because your stoney heart has melted at their huge eyes, or their childish innocence
>Nope, they're just a bit slow
>And you love fucking with stupid people
Well, when you put it like that...
I'm not green, nor am I in a flying saucer, yet you called me an alien
So is being green and in a flying saucer what really makes someone an alien?
Furthermore, you say you're not aliens, but you are
All non humans are aliens, so unless you're a human, you're an alien
>You watch the little white xeno
>You can almost hear the gears in its head grinding
>It opens it mouth
>"Uhhhhhhh..."
>Leaving a small dust cloud, it dashes back to its friends
>The frantic whispering resumes
>You lean back, enjoying the sun once again
>You weren't going to let the space marines have ALL the fun with the xenos...
>Just when these little ones started getting annoying.
>You watch the xenos out of the corner of your eye as you bask
>They really seem to be having a hard time getting their head around what you just said
>The white one is drawing diagrams in the ground to try to explain
>You think you can see venn diagrams
>They spend maybe 10 minutes having a discussion
>You're almost impressed
>At how stupid they are.
>It's not a particularly hard concept to grasp.
>They're the aliens, you're not.
>Simple.
>The white one approaches you again
>It seems to have been nominated as the spokesperson
>"Well mister, we know how you're an alien."
>It looks smug
>You feel smug, but your face stays completely straight
>"If everything that's not a human is an alien, then you must not be a human!"
>"Me and the girls are humans, so we're not aliens!"
>You stare at her, almost dumbfounded
>Almost.
That's completely ridiculous.
I once saw a mutant's brain transplanted into an orc's body, and the abomination's screams made more sense than what you just said.
I have no response to your argument, beyond "No."
>You look at the little xeno
>It' just looks confused by your long words
>You're about to berate it more when you hear more hooves approaching
>You turn to see who the newcomer is
>You're pleasantly surprised to see the seamstress from the other night
>Rarity was her name
>Holy shit, you'd managed to remember a name!
Hello there, Rarity
>The pony smiles to you, and bows her head
>"Your eminence, my apologies for my sister"
>Huh, the little xeno was related to her
>You glanced at it, and saw it was sheepishly avoiding Rarity's eyes
>"You three, I've told you before not to go running off like that!"
>"I have my hooves quite full already without having to chase after you!"
>There's a chorus of "Sorry"'s
>The unicorn turns to you
>"They're such a hoof-full, ahah"
>You shrug
If you say so
>"It's so hard to work on outfits AND keep an eye on the young ones"
Right
>She gazes wistfully into the distance
>"If only there was someone who had some free time on their hands..."
>She glances at you quickly, then back away
Oh, if only.
>You stretch lazily
>"Well, your eminence..."
>You raise an eyebrow at her quizzically
>"I was wondering if... well..."
>You narrow your eyes in feinted confusion
>You know exactly what she's trying to ask, and you already know your response
>"I hate to ask, but would you be a gentlecol... gentle..."
>She blinks
>"...be a kind dear and take care of the fillies for me?"
Absolutely.
>Rarity begins to thank you, but you're already turning away
MARINES!
>She jumps at your outburst, and trembles slightly as the two hulking soldiers charge over
>They salute you
I am issuing a new order.
>You point to the little xenos
These little, uh... ponies, they are to be considered VIPs. I want them fully protected until Rarity relieves you
>"YESSIR!" The marines yell in unison
>The white unicorn's mouth hangs open as the marines hustle the shocked children off to a more secure location
They'll be safe with the marines, don't you worry
>Rarity shakes her head, snapping herself out of her stupor
>"That's not exactly what I had in mind, Anon."
>She looks at you in annoyance
No need to thank me, helping is what I do
>She harumphs, and turns to leave
Oh, Rarity?
>She looks back over her shoulder
If you see any servants, would you let them know I'd like a drink?

>You yawn and stretch
>Must have dozed off there
>It's about midday, judging from the sun
>You're still thirsty, and now you're getting hungry too
>Time to scrounge some food
>You heave yourself up and head off to the kitchens

>You walk briskly through the corridors
>Some of the xeno servants greet you
>You pointedly ignore them
>One seems to be trying very hard to get your attention
>You briefly glance at it
>It's the guard from the other day
>The one that started crying and ran off to Celestia
>It's trotting to keep up with you, and jumping up and down trying to get your attention
>"Hey. Hey, Friend-Lord! Sir!"
>You speed up your walk
>It speeds up as well
>"Hey! Over here! Sir! I need to talk to you!"
>You're still a few minutes walk from the kitchens
>You stop abruptly and the stupid xeno keeps walking, talking and waving it's... leg end thing
What.
>You're not sure if you can put up with it's babble for the rest of the trip to the kitchen
>The guard realises you've stopped, and turns back to you, it's leg still in the air
What do you want.
>The guard laughs
>"You must not have seen me there, huh?"
No. I didn't
>You reply flatly
>"And you may want to get your hearing checked Friend-Lord!"
>It chuckles
>You look at, deadpan expression
Yes, well. Now I've seen you and heard you. Why don't you be on your way, and I'll go on mine
>You begin to walk again
>"Wait! Princess Luna sent me to find you!"
>You stop
She did? Why?
>"She has a top secret mission for you! She's waiting in the dungeons"
Well, she can wait until after I've had lunch
>You're peckish. But maybe you should see what she wants...
>Nah.
>"But your eminence! Why not go down to her? I'll see that your lunch is brought to you"
>You get the feeling he's not going to give up until you agree
Gah. Fine.
>You wish you could tell him what a cunt he was, but he'd probably have a breakdown
>And though it would be incredibly entertaining, people would think you were cruel or something.
But by shitting crickey, if I don't have a meal, the first thing I'll do when I get back up is eat YOU
>The guard yelps as you stalk off for the dungeons
>You head down to the castle's lower levels
>There seems to be a lot of guards around
>The dungeons are not what you'd expect
>As an inquisitor, you know a fair bit about dungeons, jails and all manner of penal institutions
>This one is shit tier
>It's well lit, airy and smells slightly of roses
>You doubt you'd even find a rat down here, and the cells you walk past are well furnished
>You wouldn't even interrogate a mildly heretical person in here
>You soon find Princess Luna
>"Greetings Anon"
>Her voice is grave, her countenance serious
Yeah, hi. Did someone bring down a lunch for me? Maybe a salad?
>"We have more important things to worry about, Friend-Lord"
A sandwich? Even, like, an apple or something just to keep me going
>Luna looks at you in annoyance
>"We have apprehended an enemy of Equestria!"
>This takes you by surprise, but she continues before you can respond
>"A changeling spy, it had managed to infiltrate our royal guard"
What's a changeling?
>The alicorn ignores your question
>"The vile creature was planning something, but it won't tell us what"
Seriously, what the hell is a changeling?
>"We want it to become a double agent, but it is... reluctant to the idea"
>Is she going where you think she is with this?
>"We thought your particular skill set might come in useful in... persuading the captive"
>YES!
>Finally, a chance to really shine
Ok, if you insist.
>You rub your hands together in glee
>O dis gon b gud
>Luna looks a little surprised at your eager attitude
>You put on your serious face
It's not like I have anything better to do

>After a brief trip to a maintenance cupboard to collect a tool box, you enter the holding cell
>A table is set up with a black, carapaced xeno sat on the other side, strapped into a comfy looking chair
>It looks bored, and glances over to you
>"You here to beg me to join your side? Save it."
>It yawns as you sit down opposite it in silence
>"You Equestrians just don't understand espionage. Heck, your prisons are so comfy they're practically 4-star hotels!"
>The lounging xeno jumps as you drop the robust toolbox on the table
>It laughs at you
>"You here to fix the bidet? Or mend the chocolate fountain? You Equestrian's make me sick with your materialistic, self-centred..."
>The changeling tails off as you open the toolbox and begin removing the contents, laying them neatly on the table between the two of you
>A claw hammer, a mallet, a series of different sized wrenches...
>"What are... uh, what are you doing there?"
>...a drill with a selection of drill-bits, some screwdrivers, a packet of nails...
>"That's a lot of tools for just fixing something..."
>The changeling finally stops talking, and watches in silence as you continue removing your toys
>...pliers, some weird metal thing which you don't recognise, some saws and finally a spirit level
>The black xeno watches wide eyed as you adjust the hammer slightly, making sure everything is neatly aligned
>You finally look up at the alien, and speak
I'm going to ask you questions. You're going to give me concise, honest answers to the best of your ability
>The xeno tries to look defiant, but its eyes keep darting back to the tools
>"And if I don't?"
Then I play with my toys a bit.
>You point to the hacksaw
I think the first thing I'll do is saw your horn off
If you're unlucky, my lunch may arrive when I'm halfway through, and you'll have to wait until I finish it before I finish sawing your horn
If you're VERY VERY unlucky, my lunch won't arrive at all.
I can get somewhat grumpy when I'm hungry
>The changeling gulps audibly, but still tries to act indifferent
>"You t-t-think you can scare me?"
Oh, I hope not
>You smile pleasantly
I really hope that you put up a lot of resistance
>You point at the oddly shaped metal tool
I really want to find out what that thing can do
>Seriously, it's like a tube with small spikes coming out of one end, what the hell do they use it for?
And believe me, some of the things I've got planned with that chisel will keep me entertained for hours!
You may not enjoy it so much though.
>The changeling shudders at your words
So, first question. Answer me correctly, or I'll have to see how thick that shell of yours really is.
>The xeno looks at you, clearly terrified
Prove that no three positive integers a, b and c can satisfy the equation a^n + b^n = c^n for any integer n greater than 2
>"Wuh-what?!"
>The xeno looks frantic
>"I can't answer that!"
What a shame!
>You lean forward and take the hacksaw with a grin
>"No, wait, ask another, ask another!"
>You stand and saunter around to the other side of the table
>"I know the answer! It's... uh, about 40! 40 and a half!"
I'm afraid it's not. But if you won't tell me, I'm going to have to punish you
>You're standing behind the alien now
>You lean down and whisper in its ear
Maybe that question was a bit too harsh. How about another one?
>"Oh, please, in the name of the Hive, please!"
Ok. All these tools...
>You wave at the ones on the table
Why do they have handles if you xenos don't have hands?
>The changeling sits in silence for a moment
>"It's because... uh..."
Too slow!
>You grab the trembling xeno by its horn and push its head down onto the table
>You place the hacksaw blade against hard protrusion, and gently draw it across, not cutting yet
>The alien lets out a hysterical sob as you finish, and apply a little pressure, preparing to begin cutting...
>There's a sudden bang at the door before you can begin
Well, looks like my lunch had arrived
>You let go of the spy's horn and place the hacksaw back down on the table
Think carefully about my questions while I have eat
>You leave the sobbing captive as you exit the room for lunch
>You hope it's a ham and cheese sandwich
>Outside the room stands the captain from earlier, with a plate
>You grin at the sight of a toastie, molten cheese oozing out the sides
Thank you captain.
>You take the plate and walk a short distance to find somewhere to eat

>You've eaten the first half of your delicious lunch and are about to start the second half
>Life is good. A tasty sandwich and, after that, a good heretic to crack
>Well, a spy. Or whatever
>You forget exactly what he'd done wrong, but that wasn't a big deal
>You're still a little peckish, and about to bite into the rest of your sandwich when you hear a voice
>"Well done Anon! When I went to talk to the changeling, it was begging me to tell me what it knew!"
>You freeze with the sandwich halfway to your mouth as Luna beams at you
What? You talked to it? I wasn't finished! I didn't even get to...
>The princess claps you on the back
>"I knew you were the right man for the job!"
But I didn't even DO my job! I only began to...
>"Nonsense! You were a perfect Friend-Lord!"
>Wait, she wanted you to befriend the spying xeno?!
>She sighs, and a gazes into the distance with a goofy smile
>"Just another way you're perfect Anon"
>what?
What?
>"Oh, uh... anyway, I'd best be getting back to Equestria's newest double agent!
>You dejectedly watch Luna go
>Though you do enjoy watching her leave
>That swaying rump...
>You sigh. It's still not enough to take your mind off what you're missing
>You may never learn what that weird metal thing did
>It's hard to believe that they wanted you to befriend the enemy spy rather than torture him
>What kind of twisted society is this?
>You're going to miss out on all your fun
>You glumly stare at the toastie in your hand before putting it down
>You've lost your appetite

>You storm back into the gardens
>How could they be so cruel? You thought you had the chance to take your frustration out on a xeno
>But then they snatched that away from you
>It was just... heartbreaking
>These barbarians were so callous...
>You stop your internal rant at the sight of the gardens
>Small craters mar the once perfectly cut lawn
>The ornamental topiary has been butchered, one shrub gently smouldering
>The statues that dotted the area are strewn around, reduced to rubble
>In the middle of the carnage, sitting on a picnic blanket, the three little xenos from earlier sip on cups of tea
>Oh, and the space marines are with them, daintily sipping from tiny teacups
>The whole scene is so bizarre, you almost laugh at it.
>ALMOST laugh, because just like normal, every time you're about to have a good time on this wretched planet, fate ruins it for you
>This time, it's a voice from behind you
>"Well, if'n it ain't the eh-lien. Boy howdy, y'ain't half a tallun, ah y'?"
>You turn at the string of incoherent speech
>An orange xeno stands, its hoof raised slightly, some kind of hat on its head
Uhh...
>You're not sure if its talking to you, or just had some kind of seizure and temporarily lost the ability to speak
... Yes, not bad. You?
>The alien guffaws
>"Tha name's Apuhljack, an' it's a right honah tah be meetin' y'an'all"
>You stare at it blankly as it continues talking at you
>"Now, when Rarity 'n tha gurls was talkin' about yah, ah couldn't believe it, but here y'are!"
>You want to insult it for how stupid it is, but you're fairly certain it has some kind of brain damage
>And then who would be the bad guy?
>Seriously, you catch the occasional word, but most of what you're hearing is a slurred mess
>"Ahm just here to collect tha little'uns, she sid you was lookin' after'm"
>Even if it was just a xeno, last time you made one cry you only got yourself in more trouble
>And besides, you weren't completely heartless
>Perhaps you could just nod along and hope it didn't become attached to you or anything
...oh. Yeah. Absolutely.
>You give the creature a warm, friendly smile
>Well, you turn the corners of your mouth up and bare your teeth slightly, but you're damned if you've ever smiled at a xeno before
>"They c'n be quite tha hoof full an' I reckon it's rahht proper'n good o' ya ta tek care of 'em, so I'll tek 'em fer a bit"
>You nod along, scared of saying anything that might upset the poor thing
Yeah. Uh-huh
>"Whaddah ya call yahself?"
>The upward inflection it put on that sentence make you think it's trying to ask you a question
>Shit, what's it saying?
>You look at its hat, and take a gamble
... It's a really nice hat, uh... yeah, looks good on you
>The orange creature cocks its head
>"Mah hat? T'ain't nothin' but mah old pop's. He ain't ahround no more."
>The xeno's head drops slightly, and it looks sad
>Shit, you aren't about to make a disabled person cry
>Quick Anon, time for some damage control
>Operation Dam Xeno is a go
>Objective: stop a retard from crying
>You pat yourself down, looking for something shiny to give the simpleton to cheer it up
>You find the perfect thing
Whoa, hey buddy, what's this I've got?
>You pull out the half eaten cheese toastie from earlier
>The orange xeno looks at it in mild confusion
>Well, you think it's mild confusion, it could just be how this alien looks at every new object
Wow, a sandwich! Here, you should have it!
>You hand over the goods
>The xeno stares at the food uncertainly
>You hold your breath
>It breaks into a smile, whatever was upsetting it clearly forgotten
>"Tha's mighty kind ah ya, reck'n ah've worked up quite th'appetite. I hadda help Rare carry'er baggage an' whatnot in, and whoa Nelly tha' gurl c'n packs heavier'n a cart 'a plows"
>You mouth drifts open slightly as your brain is overwhelmed
>Shit, you hope whatever it has isn't contagious
>You subtly take a step back
>"Well, ah shud be headin' off, but thanks part-nuh. Ah'll be seein' y'at suppuh!"
>With a final stream of nonsense, the xeno walks over to the picnic, collects the young xenos and takes its leave
>You watch it go in dumb silence as your guards wave bye to the younglings
>You watch in muted shock as it leaves with them, still not certain of what just happened
>You replay the conversation in your head searching for meaning
>Finding none, your thoughts move on
>Early in your inquisition career, there was incident with a psyker
>She'd been untrained, and had accidentally torn open the warp
>She'd stared straight into the veil of chaos beyond reality
>That poor soul had tried to speak, and all that had come out was a stream of terrified gibberish
>In the end, you'd done the merciful thing and put her to rest
>The xeno reminded you of that psyker.
>Maybe you should talk to the Emperor about 'helping' it out of its misery
>Then again, it seemed happy enough
>Once it got its sandwich at least
>You make a mental note to always carry a sandwich in case of a repeat encounter

>The rest of the day passes quickly, and before you know it you're heading to the dining hall for dinner
>You didn't even see any other xenos after the... special one you met earlier
>The main reason for this was that you went and got incredibly lost in the maze
>In fact, you may still be lost if it wasn't for the fact that your escort were carrying chainswords
>You approach the dining room door, and a pair of xeno guards pull it open for you
>You're surprised to see that you've the first one here, and that the table seems to be set with several extra places
>You take your usual place besides where your God sits, the two of you opposite the Princess sister's places
>You double check the time, and are surprised to see that you're the only one who isn't late
>After a couple of minutes alone, unsure of if there's somewhere else you should be, the gigantic doors open once again
>In walks the Emperor of Man, a smug grin on his face
>You wonder what he's so pleased about, and can't help but feel a little jealous that he's not having an awful time
>He pulls out his seat and sits, a full 5 minutes late
>"How's it going, Friend-Lord?"
>Awful
Very well your imperial majesty
>"Made any new friends?"
>You think back to the orange xeno you gave a sandwich to
No your most excellent magnificence
>Maybe you should distract him from quizzing you about making new friends
Do you know where the Princesses are?
>"Luna is busy dealing with some subterfuge or something. She'll be much later if she makes it all"
>Oh.
>That's, well, that can only be a good thing right?
>One less xeno about
>You can't help but feel a little disappointed though
And what about the other one?
>At that, the God-Emperor of Man's smile broadens
>"Oh, I think she'll be along shortly"
>That fucking smile
>"Yeah, we were busy discussing a trade agreement"
>A trade agreement? What could these xenos have on this backwater planet that the Imperium of Man didn't already have on a thousand other
A trade agreement? What could these savages possibly offer us?
>You swear if his smirk grew any wider, the top of his head would fall off
>"Oh, there are lots of things they can offer. In fact, I would say..."
>The smug man is cut off by the sound of the door opening
>You turn to see Celestia walking in
>She seems to be walking a bit funny, taking quite wide steps with her back legs
>You shrug it off. Maybe it's just how the xenos walk sometimes? What do you know?
>She greets you and heads to her seat
>With a brief flash, a very thick velvet cushion appears on her chair, which she plumps and then sits on
>You'd swear she winces slightly as she puts her weight on her behind
>Fuck. Don't do it anon
>You raise an eyebrow...
>Don't do it, no
>... and turn to your Emperor
>He just looks at you and wiggles his eyebrows
>Wow. That's... you're just not sure how to respond to what's happening
>Your brain shuts down at the many heretical implications and you clear your throat uncomfortably
>Celestia smiles at you, and you struggle to meet her eyes
>"Good evening Friend-Lord. How was your day?"
>Awful
It was fine
>"Did you make any new friends?
Not today, no.
>Holy shit, the same damn questions. It's like they planned this
>You cast a suspicious glance at your Emperor
>He wiggles his eyebrows again, and gives an exaggerated wink
>After a few moments of silence, the alabaster pony speaks again
>"Tonight, Anon, we're being joined by a few guests"
>More xenos. Great
Oh, how very exciting
>You don't even pretend to smile
>"Yes, they're all personal friends. I'm sure you'll get along great!"
Yes, I'm sure we'll all become the very best of friends
>You take a drink from your glass
>It's some kind of fresh juice, from an actual fruit
>You shudder
>These pitiful, backwards creatures
>Actually, that reminds you:
Your Majesty? Would it be possible to order a crate of amsec? The local drinks are somewhat... lacking
>You God looks at you, in slight surprise
>"Have you not been using the wine cellar Anon?"
>The wine cellar? What's wine?
>Before you can ask, Celestia speaks up
>"We have an extensive reserve of all kinds of alcoholic drinks. The finest wines, aged whiskey, all manners of spirits..."
>You're finding it hard to look at her without imagining the Emperor waggling his eyebrows, but you do perk up when you hear mention of alcohol
So... I can have some?
>"Certainly. In fact, maybe it would be nice to drink something other than freshly squeezed fruit juice"
>Why the hell these xenos would drink something as primitive as fruit juice when there's perfectly good booze around is beyond you
>Celestia sends for wine, and you're poured a glass
>It's a dark red colour, and you look at it uncertainly
>What the hell, it smells ok, and if it's you poisoned at least you'd be spared having to sit through a meal with a group of dirty xenos
>You take a sip, and the Emperor and Celestia do likewise
>It tastes nothing like amsec
>In fact...
Does this have some of that fruit stuff in it?
>You're met with surprised looks
>"But of course! It's made with the finest sun drenched grapes, hoof pressed in the warm hills of Southern Prance"
>You almost gag
>Not only is made from FRUIT, but your drink has had some dirty xeno's foot in it
>You force another gulp
>Hopefully after a few glasses you'll be too drunk to care about the... TAINT in it
>"Where else would alcohol come from?"
>Celestia seems puzzled by the concept that you's rather drink something that was designed to be delicious
My understanding is that pure alcohol is generated and then diluted with flavourings
>The alicorn blinks in surprise
>"That sounds dreadful! How can you put something into your body that was... it's just..."
>She seems to be at a loss of what to say
>"We take the juice from fruits, vegetables and certain grains and let them ferment, slowly changing to alcohol. The flavour and type depends on the original fruit."
>"It's a much better way, completely natural with no chemicals added."
>You almost laugh
So, you're saying that it's better to just squeeze the juice out of whatever you dig up from the ground, and then let it rot?
>These xenos are just too much
>Of course, food often comes from agriworlds, but that's different
>The food is usually processed and stuffed full of all sorts of chemicals to keep it stable and flavoursome for it's long space journeys
>But to actually just drink the juice from something that came OUT OF THE GROUND!
You do realise that WORMS live in the ground? And that they probably TOUCHED some of the vegetables? Or that the fruit probably had a fly land on it, or a bird peck at it or something
>You think birds eat fruit. Either way, there's no way to be sure, and it's better safe than sorry
>The Emperor seems to be diplomatically staying out of the conversation
>"You didn't seem to be complaining about your dinners for the past few days. THEY came our of the ground"
But they were cooked! That almost makes them as healthy as nutri-paste. Sure, your food tastes a lot better, but it's much less healthy!
>Before your conversation can become any more heated, you hear the sound of the doors being opened once more
>In walk half a dozen xenos
>You groan
>Looks like the party's about to begin.

>As the new xenos enter and sit, you recognise several of them
>There's Rarity, who greets you with a "Your Eminence" and a curt bow
>Damn, you wish the other aliens would treat you with that level of respect
>There's also the Orange one from earlier, and the pink one that baked a cupcake. You ignore those two
>There are a pair of the flying xenos, one blue and one yellow
>The blue one is staring at you intensely
>The yellow one is staring anywhere BUT you intensely
>You stare back at the blue one
>You're not about to let some damn xeno out-stare YOU, an Inquis... Ex-Inquisitor of the Imperium of Man
>Your cold eyes pierce the blue alien, who glances away after a mere few seconds
>Point to you
>The last of your esteemed guests is a purple xeno, one of the ones with a horn
>Out of all of them, it's the one that seems the most thrilled to meet you
>"Hello!"
>Oh God, it's practically jumping with excitement
>"Are you a friendship student too? Celestia said there was an alien, and I was so excited to meet it, but then she said it was studying friendship, and I thought we could compare notes, but then I realised I couldn't..."
>It continues talking for a bit while you go for another sip of that wine stuff
>It wasn't half bad once you got past how unhygienic it was
>The xeno abruptly stops and smiles sheepishly
>"Ah... sorry, I'm getting carried away. My name is Twilight Sparkle"
>You drain your glass
Ok
>A servant promptly refills your glass
>The xeno hesitates for a moment as you take another long swig
>"... sorry, what did you say your name was?"
I didn't.
>You really shouldn't be such a dick
>The Emperor is right there, and you know he wouldn't be happy if he wasn't too busy telling a dirty joke to the pink alien
Anon. It's Anon.
>"Oh, well... it's nice to meet you Anon
>You sit in an awkward silence for a while
>Well, it's not awkward for you. You don't give a shit, it's actually funny how uncomfortable the xeno looks
>It's as though SHE'S the one stuck on some arse-backward planet
>"Twilight!"
>The xeno turns at Celestia's voice and lets out an excited squeak as she rushed over to the princess
>The two embrace and begin catching up
>Further down the table, the pink one is laughing uproariously at Emperor's dirty joke while the blue one is repeatedly asking someone to explain it to her
>You silently take another sip of your wine
>You wonder how long it'll take the food to arrive
>Everyone seems to be have a good time
>A servant steps forward to refill your glass
>Funny, you didn't realise you'd emptied it again
>There's another burst of laughter from down the table
>This is great, they're all so busy talking to each other, no one wants to talk to you
>You take another drink
>Great
>Sip
>No one interested in how your day was
>Sip
>No one trying to get your attention
>Sip
>Yep. Just what you wanted
>You let out a small sigh and look down the table
>The Emperor's laughing at the pink xeno doing some kind of... dance? It could be having a seizure, you're not 100% sure
>You would laugh at the latter though
>A servant steps in to fill your glass again
>The groups all continue their talk, and you sit there slowly becoming intoxicated
>After half an hour, dinner is brought out
>You eat in silence as the xenos tell tales of their adventures
>Apparently they once got scared by some trees
>Suddenly, an idea forms in your mind
>Here you are, sitting eating with a group of xenos, experiencing their 'culture', learning their way of life
>Why shouldn't one of them go experience YOUR old life? Get some experience as an inquisitor.
>You chuckle at the idea. Sure, trees can be pretty scary. Now go face down a Carnifex and a few chaos space marines.
>You wait for the conversation to lull, before making your proposition
>You turn to Celestia
Hey, you know what? I'm here, learning all about your... kind, and 'friendship', but why don't you send something to fill my old role? Like a cultural exchange?
>Celestia's eyes light up
>"What a fantastic idea, Friend-Lord! I know just the pony for the job"
>She moves to face Twilight, beaming happily
>"Twilight. I would like to give you a new task. I want you to go to the Imperium of Man. Learn of their ways, and make friends so our two civilisations can grow closer"
>Calling their backward society a 'civilisation' is a stretch, but you let it slide
>"What's that?!"
>Before Twilight can respond, the Emperor has spun around, a slightly panicked look in his eyes
>"Did you say experience human culture? I'm not sure that's a great idea at the moment, things are a bit crazy"
>"Nonsense! I think Anon's idea is wonderful!"
>The Emperor frowns
>"Anon's idea?"
>He turns to you, clearly concerned about the fact that 'Twilight' would probably go insane and be murdered simultaneously
>You look him in the eyes...
>And wiggle your eyebrows at the motherfucker.
>Wow, this wine stuff is pretty strong.
>Well, that and the fact that you're now on your... 5th glass? Maybe 6th
>His eyebrows crease for a moment, and he shrugs
>"I'm sure that can be arranged."
>"Wonderful! We can send Twilight to..."
>As Twilight, Celestia and the Emperor talk, you zone out, and resume your campaign of destruction against your liver
>It's not long before things are back to what they were before, you sitting alone in silence while the xenos all talk amongst themselves
>Which you're completely happy with
>It's exactly what you want.
>Sip
>You hear the door opening. Probably dessert arriving. At least you can get out of here soon
>Suddenly, you hear a voice behind you
>"Hello Friend-Lord"
>You sit up straight and turn around at the familiar voice
Luna!
>You lean back into your chair and clear your throat
Uh... Hey Luna.
>She takes her usual place
>"Sorry I'm late everyone, I was busy dealing with Equestria's newest agent!"
>There are a chorus of "Hello"s from the assembled xenos
>Luna turns to you and beams
>"You were amazing, I don't know what you did, but you managed to get a changeling to turn on its hive!"
>There are a serious of wowed noises from those present, and Celestia raises an eyebrow
>"You converted a changeling? That's incredible, you must be so good at making friends!"
>You're about to correct her, but seeing Luna smiling at you...
Oh, it was nothing. That wouldn't even rank in my top 100 hardest... questionings
>The xenos all seem impressed, and fire a series of questions at you
>"What's the coolest thing you've ever done?"
>"Have you ever fought a ghost?"
>"Have you ever been in a battle?"
>You let them ask a few questions, and cooly sip on your drink
Well, I've been in my fair share of combat. A few heroic last stands, plenty of battles. Sieges, skirmishes. Yeah, I've seen a fair bit of action
>They all 'ooh' and 'aah'
>The Emperor looks at you
>He grins evilly
>"Oh, but it's more than that. How many of those engagements did you personally lead, Anon?"
>You wonder what he's doing
I played a leading role in most of them
>"So you're a commander who led men into battle from the front, fought valiantly to protect mankind and would be willing to lay down your life for the good of others?"
>You're not sure about laying down your life, but most of that is pretty accurate
Well, I wouldn't say it like that. I did my duty is all.
>"Oh, you're being modest. I would say, Anon, that you're a hero."
>The Emperor's grin widens slightly, and he turns his head to Luna
>You realise too late what he's doing, and glance over at her
>There's a blush across her face and she's practically swooning
>The Emperor looks back to you, wiggles his eyebrows
>Shit
>Luna's practically drooling, just staring at you
>Time to run some damage control
>You open your mouth to speak, but are cut off by the sound of the doors to the room being flung open
>Everyone turns in surprise to see a black, bat xeno in guard armour
>Luna snaps of out of her trance and stands
>"What is the meaning of this, Sargeant?!"
>The pony bows low
>"My Princess, I have had suspicious over these past few days. I took the liberty of doing some investigative work of my own, and have come to a shocking conclusion."
>You have to hand it to this xeno, it's got style. And taking the initiative to do its own investigation? That sounds far too competent for the aliens you've seen so far
>"Well? Out with it!"
>The guard rises from its bow to Luna, and raises a hoof to point at you
>"Friend-Lord Anon is... A FAKE!"
>There are a serious of gasps from around the room
>You take a sip from your glass
>Wow. What is this, entertainment while you eat?
>You're not 100% sure, but if it is, you're impressed
>Seems a bit hammy, too over the top for your liking, but it's different
>Variety is the spice of life.
>As the room sits in stunned silence, servants begin bringing in the desserts
>The silence drags on for a while, and you wonder if you should say something
Oh?
>The guard lowers its hoof, and as it does so, you can hear something getting louder
>It takes you a second to place it, but you quickly recognise it.
>A drum beat, getting louder and louder
>Looks like this show's about to turn into a musical...

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>Twilight eagerly moves on to the next exhibit as she scribbles notes
>The ordo xenos had a museum!
>It had a section all about aliens
>She'd never imagined the universe could be so full of life!
>There were hundreds, maybe thousands of exhibits
>Skeletons, examples of the alien's weapons, details of their habits and lifestyles
>At first Twilight had felt like she was being brushed off
>All of these inquisitors were cold and unfriendly
>They'd just taken her to her room and left her alone
>She'd managed to find one and asked to be shown around a bit, but he'd just taken her here
>She'd soon forgotten the rudeness when she realised where she was
>Flora and fauna exhibits, pictures of whole alien worlds
>And of course, hundreds and hundreds of scrolls and books
>Twilight was starting to think she'd need order another couple of shipments of note paper
>As amazing as this museum was, there was one thing she wasn't sure about
>While most of the colossal building was given over to humanity and their expansion and conquest of the galaxy, all of the aliens were in a single wing
>She wasn't sure about the name of it though, and made a mental note to ask an inquisitor next chance she got
>Then, after a pause, she made an ACTUAL note of it...
>Why was it called the "Exterminatus Wing"?

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>Grim statues line the cavernous, dimly lit room
>At it's centre, a monolithic stone table
>"... all in favour of consigning the souls of Lalande II to oblivion, say Aye"
>There are a chorus of 'aye's, and the speaker nods solemnly, before adding his signature to an exterminatus order
>These are the Inquisitor Lords of the Ordos Xenos, some of the most powerful men in the galaxy
>The fate of trillions of souls is determined in this room by a mere 7 inquisitors
>"And now for the next point on the agenda."
>The bald, stoned faced man gestures to the 8th figure in the room
>"We have a..."
>The man visibly shudders
>"... guest."
>Twilight Sparkle stands and smiles at the collection of men and women
>"Hello everyone! To get to know each other a bit better, why don't why each say our names, two things we enjoy and our dream for the future?"
>Oblivious to the looks of disgust around the room, the Unicorn presses on
>"I'll start. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I like picnics with my friends, and snuggling up in bed with a good book. My hope for the future is to publish a book on friendship!"
>A wall of stares, some shocked, others outright disgusted, meet the unicorn
>The room is silent for a few moments
>"Now it's your turn!" The unicorn cheerily chirps as she gestures to the man next to her
>The man gives a start, looking around uncertainly before standing
>"My name is Inquisitor Lord Carrock. I enjoy destroying the enemies of humanity and..."
>He pauses for a second, temporarily overcome by embarrassment
>"... worshipping the God Emperor. My dream is to see the galaxy purged of all those who would oppose mankind."
>Carrock sits, and there is a general murmur of approval at his words
>Twilight smiles at him
>"Nice to meet you Carrock."
>She turns to the others in the room, a conspiratorial glint in her eye
>"Oh, one thing I forgot to mention. You can't say something someone else has already said"
>The lords look at each other in alarm as the next inquisitor rises to her feet
>"I am Inquisitor Lord Harlow, and... I like... uh..."
>She looks around desperately, the other inquisitors avoiding her eyes
>"... poker Saturdays, and... practicing shooting. My dream is to, I guess hunt demons? Carrock didn't say that."
>The bald woman sits, and Twilight grins...

>..."Nice to meet you all." the lavender unicorn says with a broad smile as the last human sits
>The inquisitors look around the room uncomfortably, not making eye contact out of mutual embarrassment.
>"...yes. Well, next item, 3 on the agenda. This was your proposal Carrock?"
>Carrock stands
>"My fellow inquisitors..."
>The thin man casts a serious look over those present
>"...I propose we move Poker night from Saturday to Friday."
>The room erupts into chaos

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>The Inquisitor Lord sighs as he continues down the agenda
>The alien had been attending their meetings for the last two weeks
>Right now, it had one of its legs raised, he could only assume that it wished to speak
>The man pointedly ignored it, as he had been doing for the past two hours
Ahem
>Great. It was coughing now
AHHH-HEM
>"FINE. What? What is it that's so important we have to stop discussing the best way to deal with the Ork Waaagh in Voltupis-9?"
>Twilight gives a little laugh and smile
>"You must not have noticed my hoof up!"
>"I just had a question"
>The man sighs
>"Well, ask we may resume our business"
>Twilight nods and looks down at her notes
>"Have you ever tried talking to the Orks?"
>She looks up, but is met by a circle of disbelieving stares
>"...what."
>"The Orks? It's just, you seem to not like them, but maybe you could talk out your differences"
>The Inquisitor Lords look to each other, then back to the pony
>After a few moments, one speaks up
>"The Orks can not be reasoned with. They must be exterminated with the strongest hate humanity can muster"
>"Oh"
>Twilight frowns
>"So you tried, but they just can't be reasoned with"
>The man clears his throat
>"Well... not really tried per se, no"
>Twilight raises an eyebrow
>"Well, you really should try talking out your differences first."
>The man sighs
>"I'll have an ork captured, and YOU can try reasoning with it. Until then, let us deal with our work, and you sit there and take your little notes"
>"Actually, I did have another question..."
>The Inquisitor eyes her with annoyance
>"Quickly then. My patience grows thin, alien"
>Twilight rifles through some of her pages of notes
>"Those Tyranid things you were having trouble with..."
>The man snorts
>"I suppose you want us to try talking with them, eh?"
>"Oh no, not at all... I was going to ask if you'd tried using a trombone."

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>The Lord Inquisitors stand outside a special, reinforced viewing port
>Through the port, a specimen room
>An ork is chained up, thick loops of metal holding it to the floor
>Also in the room, Twilight Sparkle
>"But some people just don't want to fight"
>"I reckon all da gitz in da galaxy wanna fight"
>"Some do, and it's ok to fight them. But what there are people that don't"
>The ork looks like its brain might melt with the difficulty of the concept
>"Wat if dey fink dey don't wanna fight, but de gitz really need a good stomin'?"
>"Well, I think they know what they want. You really should ASK people if they're ok with it."
>"So da you wanna fight wiv me?"
>"No. I don't want to fight you"
>The ork sags a little, looking somewhat disappointed.
>"Ok den"
>Twilight's next words send a ripple of disbelief through the assembled inquisitors
>"Let him out. Unchain him."
>There's a short pause, then a technician in the control room pulls a lever, releasing the chains with a clunk
>The ork shakes the chains off, then stands there
>Twilight smiles at it, and it gives a little wave, before kicking its feet a little
>There's a disbelieving gasp from the inquisitors, and a cry of 'impossible!'
>At the noise, the ork spins, and raises its fists as it prepares to charge the port the sound came through
>It stops though for a moment though
>"Da youz gitz wanna fight?"
>There's a pause, and a single response of 'no'
>The ork shrugs
>"Ok den."
>The inquisitors stand around in stunned silence for a long time
>"What happens now?" one asks
>Carrock sighs
>"Someone go and find a trombone."