The Day the Sun Stood Still

Aug 15th, 2013
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  1. The Day the Sun Stood Still
  2. By IceMan
  4. >The merciless eye of the sun beats down upon your neck as you hoe in Applejack’s fields, beads of sweat soaking into the dry soil in an instant.
  5. >It is summer in Equestria, the time when anywhere outside the shade of a friendly cloud or a fat-leaved tree becomes a burning furnace, fueled by the Goddess of the Sun on her high mountaintop.
  6. >Except, today, something is off.
  7. >The sun remains high in the sky at the midpoint between daybreak and sunset, despite it being almost 4 PM.
  8. >Yes, something is dreadfully wrong.
  9. >You pick up your hoe and wipe your moist brow, taking a brief reprieve.
  10. >As you take a swig from the canteen tied to your hip, Twilight Sparkle sprints towards you as fast as her tiny legs can carry her, somewhere between the speed of a middle-aged cubicle worker running his first mile in ten years and Usain Bolt with both his legs cut off.
  11. >“Anonymous!” she pants, nearly colliding with you.
  12. “Hello, Twilight. I suppose you have the explanation for today’s heat wave? You always do.”
  13. >“Yes, and it’s horrible. It’s awful. It’s the worst thing that’s happened in Equestria in the last hundred years!”
  14. “That’s what you said when you misplaced your toothbrush.”
  15. >Twilight’s face turns red as the tomatoes hanging from the plants nearby.
  16. >“Anonymous, this is more serious than that. Princess Celestia is sick!”
  17. “Well, that’s not so bad. A little bed rest, a nice cup of soup, a few days off from turning people into stone without trial –”
  18. >“I should’ve known you’d be no help. It’s not just a common cold or the Stalliongrad measles. Celestia is paralyzed, and no one can figure out why.”
  19. “That does sound a bit more serious. So, what are we going to do?”
  20. >“I don’t know. I’ve summoned the Elements of Harmony and Zecora in case it’s something magical. But, I’d like you to come with us too. It might be some Earth disease; you remember what happened when you gave the Princess some of your... hometown Texas-style extra-spicy chili.”
  21. >Ah, yes.
  22. >The screams of pain from the Royal Chamber-Pot Room were most satisfying.
  23. >And with that, you are whisked onto a train to Canterlot with Twilight’s quintet of multi-color friends and the zebra.
  24. >Once in Canterlot, a squadron of Royal Guards escorts you to the palace, where the patient lies peacefully waiting in her bed.
  25. >Peacefully only relating to her motionless form.
  26. >As far as you can tell, Celestia became paralyzed during an epileptic seizure, her legs splayed out and frozen in a flailing position, knees bent at awkward angles, and mouth gaping in a macabre grimace showing off every single one of her pearl-white teeth.
  27. >You give a long whistle while examining the Princess of the Sun’s body.
  28. “Yeah, this is no Earth disease I’ve ever seen. Except for maybe... uh... death.”
  29. >You look around the room for an actual doctor.
  30. “Can we maybe move her legs so that they aren’t so... wild?” you ask to the pony carrying a stethoscope and wearing a lab coat.
  31. >He shakes his head.
  32. >“She seems to be in some form of rigor mortis, but her body seems to still be functioning.”
  33. >Zecora pulls out a small vial of what appears to be water and sprinkles it on the Princess.
  34. >“Hey, what are you doing to my patient?” the doctor snaps.
  35. >“Patience, doctor,” Zecora states.
  36. >“I assure you I am not off my rocker.”
  37. >The liquid turns black and forms the shape of a skull on Celestia’s rear.
  38. >“Yes, this is quite terrible.
  39. >“This is the result of some great evil.
  40. >“Deep within Celestia’s prodigious boot,
  41. >“Something malicious has taken root.”
  42. >“Is there some way we can get it out?” Twilight asks, tapping her right front hoof on the floor as if she were waiting for the night’s lottery numbers. “Do we need to use the Elements of Harmony?”
  43. >“The Elements of Harmony could not put a chink”
  44. >“There is one way of which I can think.
  45. >“If two of you were to shrink – ”
  46. “Yes, of course. If we shrunk down to size we could go into Celestia’s bloodstream and remove whatever’s paralyzing her!” you elucidate.
  47. >“How do you know that would work, Anonymous?” Twilight inquires.
  48. “It’s worked in every film and TV show that I’ve ever seen, so it’ll have to work now. It will be quite dangerous. Celestia’s immune system will probably try to fight us off, and we’ll probably have to face the virus in pitched battle.”
  49. >“Then I’m coming with you,” Twilight states.
  50. >“No!” Rainbow Dash interjects. “I’m going. I’m the strongest of us here, you’ll need me to fight off the virus!”
  51. >“You’re the strongest? You’ve only got speed, lil’ missy. You’re weaker than a rotten wood board when it comes to fightin’,” Applejack responds with a smirk.
  52. >“And neither of you have any knowledge of medicine or pony anatomy!” Twilight shouts.
  53. >“Uh, I do,” Pinkie Pie adds, quickly throwing a book entitled “Dr. Lick’s Guide to Surgery” out the window.
  54. >The argument only becomes more heated, filling the room with insults tossed about like tennis balls.
  55. >You turn to Fluttershy and Rarity and ask, “Aren’t you going to get in on this?”
  56. >“Darling, do you imagine what would happen to my hair if I went inside someone’s body? I can’t bear to think of it,” Rarity says.
  57. >Fluttershy merely whimpers.
  58. >Looking back at the arguing foursome, which has degenerated into a dust ball of flying limbs and gnashing teeth, you decide to take charge.
  59. “Enough!”
  60. >The quartet of fighters freeze in position: Rainbow Dash gnawing on Applejack’s leg, Twilight charging what appears to be a paralyzing spell, Applejack kicking Pinkie Pie in the face, and Pinkie Pie pulling an anvil out of Hammerspace to drop on Rainbow Dash.
  61. “I understand you are all worried about your princess and mentor and all wish to go on the epic journey with the handsome human Anonymous, but I want...”
  62. >Eenie, meenie, miny, moe.
  63. “... Twilight - to go with me.”
  64. >The other three look towards the floor and walk towards the chairs at the sides of the room.
  65. “Nurse! Get us a glass of water!” you order to the earth pony walking in with a cart of medical equipment.
  66. >She snaps to attention and rushes out of the room.
  67. “Twilight, you are going to shrink us down to the size of microorganisms and put us into that glass of water. Then we will have Celestia drink it and travel to her ass to fix whatever is causing the paralysis.”
  68. >“Here’s your glass of water, Anonymous,” the nurse says, placing it on the nightstand.
  69. “Excellent, I’m parched.”
  70. >“Anonymous!” Twilight snaps.
  71. “Oh, right, need that for the insertion... just one sip...”
  72. >“No!”
  73. >Twilight charges the shrink spell, and, a second later, you feel the sensation of being flushed down a drain.
  74. “Ugh... didn’t even get a chance to get my bathing - ach” you glub, choking on a mouthful of water.
  75. >Twilight quickly casts a spell that puts a bubble of air around your head to prevent you from drowning.
  76. “Thank you,” you state.
  77. >The water suddenly begins to slosh about like a Class 5 hurricane were raging above it.
  78. “Well, I guess we’re going in,” you declare as the glass is tipped over.
  79. >The water rushes out like Niagara Falls, and you and your purple unicorn friend fall into Celestia’s mouth, landing with a splat on her tongue.
  80. >You shake the sticky saliva off your arm.
  81. >You had expected you might need a long, hot shower after this adventure.
  82. >Now you will need at least two.
  83. >“Well, now what, Anonymous?” Twilight asks.
  84. “I thought you were the expert on pony anatomy,” you respond.
  85. >“Yeah, but you still need to tell me what you think we should do.”
  86. >You draw up what little you remember from high school biology, trying to figure out the easiest way to travel through Celestia’s body.
  87. “We need to get into her bloodstream.”
  88. >“Alright, then we need to get to her lungs. We will get down into one of the alveoli and be transferred into her blood with the air she breathes in.”
  89. “Right.”
  90. >You begin to run towards the back of Celestia’s throat, your feet slurping against the epithelial lining of her mouth.
  91. >That’s one thing you remember from biology.
  92. >“It’s going to be the first hole,” Twilight says as you pass the princess’s uvula.
  93. “Like the first time I had sex...” you mutter.
  94. >“What was that?”
  95. “Nothing.”
  96. >You reach the trachea (good, you remember more than one thing), and gaze into the gaping dark abyss, feeling the sticky warmth of Celestia’s breath rush over the back of your neck.
  97. “This one?” you ask.
  98. >Twilight nods.
  99. “Geronimo, then.”
  100. >You swan dive into the hole, with Twilight following, screaming like a blonde bimbo on a rollercoaster.
  101. >Celestia is paralyzed, so fortunately she can’t cough the two of you back up, but the great gusts of her exhales do buffet you about like forgotten newspapers.
  102. “How far does this go?” you ask Twilight.
  103. >“Well, given my rough calculations of our approximate size and our length of time falling, a really long way.”
  104. “Perfect.”
  105. >The trachea soon splits in two, then four, then seventeen as you reach into the bronchial tubes of Celestia’s lungs.
  106. >Or at least, that’s what Twilight tells you.
  107. >Your knowledge of biology has become completely nonexistent at this point.
  108. >You eventually reach one of those aveolilly thingamabobbers, a fleshy spherical chamber with what appears to be a blood vessel running along one side.
  109. >“Well, only one thing to do now,” Twilight states, and dives into the vessel with you following shortly behind.
  110. >She casts the air bubble spell again to prevent the two of you from drowning.
  111. “Now we just follow the bloodstream until we reach Celestia’s posterior,” you say. “Shouldn’t take too long. This thing’s like a water slide.”
  112. >“Yeah, there’s just one problem,” Twilight replies.
  113. “What?”
  114. >“Well, I guess you don’t know about alicorn hearts, do you Anon?”
  115. >Suddenly the blood vessel seems to be getting very, very warm, and a vibrant yellow glow is shining in the upstream part of the tube.
  116. “Uh, what’s going on, Twilight?”
  117. >“Celestia’s heart is actually another sun,” she explains.
  118. >Well, shit.
  119. >The walls of Celestia’s blood vessels begin to clear up, allowing you to see the blinding crystalline object that is her heart.
  120. “Swim down!” you order. “Swim away from it! I’m not getting turned into green eggs and human today!”
  121. >You begin what appears to be a pathetic imitation of an Olympic breast stroke swimmer as you futilely attempt to flee doom by nuclear fusion.
  122. “You’re the smart one! Don’t you have any ideas?” you shout to Twilight, who is merely floating in the blood plasma, pondering or perhaps merely accepting her demise.
  123. >You don’t think this would be the way Twilight thought she would end, consumed by the fires of her teacher’s heart because of the hair-brained scheme of a being from an alternate dimension.
  124. >But, then she snaps her hoof and charges a spell.
  125. >“Hang on,” Twilight says, grabbing hold of your hand.
  126. “What are you going to do-ooooo!”
  127. >Twilight’s magic propels you like a torpedo against the rush of Celestia’s blood flow, rocketing past her lungs and down further into her body cavity.
  128. “Yes! Faster, faster!”
  129. >Twilight’s magic begins to wane, and you begin to slow down.
  130. “No! Faster, faster, faster!”
  131. >Then you finally stop.
  132. >You sigh.
  133. “Now we swim.”
  134. >The current has decreased to the point where it is quite easy to swim up against it.
  135. >That is, until you run into a white, sticky wall.
  136. >“Oh no,” Twilight utters.
  137. “What now?” you groan, attempting to get unstuck.
  138. >“White blood cells!”
  139. >The white wall suddenly fills with bright red, eye-like dots and writhes like a man that has just been soaked in acid.
  140. “Quick! Down that way!” you command, pointing to a blood vessel separating from the current vein you are in.
  141. >You and Twilight swim down the tributary with the white blood cell army in hot pursuit.
  142. >Twilight fires a few bolts of magic at them, but what few she can destroy are quickly replaced by more cells.
  143. >You come to another fork in the vein, then another, and another, and still the mob of lymphocytes pursues.
  144. >“Hold on! I’m going to try something!” Twilight says, charging another spell.
  145. “Please be the torpedo thing, please be the torpedo thing,” you mutter.
  146. >A circular wall of purple energy forms in the vessel, blocking the cells from proceeding.
  147. >“I can’t hold it forever; let’s go!” Twilight orders.
  148. >You swim down another tributary.
  149. >Twilight moans and her horn goes out.
  150. >No more wall.
  151. “Come on; we have to keep moving before those cells catch up,” you tell her.
  152. >“Can’t. Need. Rest...”
  153. “C’mon!” you yell, spotting one of the cells at the entrance to the vein and pulling Twilight along with you.
  154. >The cell follows you; Twilight is too tired to fire another spell.
  155. “Alright you slimy eukaryote, come and get me,” you taunt, throwing Twilight down the vein and charging at the cell.
  156. >It seems to almost roar.
  157. >You punch it right in the vacuole, but your hand is trapped in its cytoplasm.
  158. >Hm, more biology knowledge is coming back.
  159. >That is the last thought you have before the lymphocyte engulfs you.
  160. >“Anon!” Twilight cries.
  161. >The cell begins to bulge outwards, then tears apart.
  162. >Panting, you swim back to Twilight.
  163. “Don’t make me do that again, or I’m sacrificing you to the bloodstream guardians.”
  164. >“They’re lymphocytes.”
  165. “Yeah, that’s what I said. Bloodstream guardians.”
  166. >“Let’s just go.”
  167. >You float down the lazy blood river, narrowly avoiding a few more lymphocyte hordes.
  168. >Then the walls of the blood vessel start to turn into lewd playing cards and what appears to be frozen clam chowder.
  169. “I think we’ve found why Celestia’s paralyzed,” you observe, rubbing a hand against the Queen of Spades’s exposed breasts.
  170. >Twilight slaps your hand away.
  171. >“Focus.”
  172. >The red blood cells begin to turn into checkers as you float down the vein.
  173. >The blood drains away and is replaced with chocolate syrup, gravy, urine, back to blood, olive oil, and finally maple syrup.
  174. >Then it just disappears entirely, leaving you on the dry, grassy earth that is now one of the veins in Celestia’s behind.
  175. >And, sitting on a plush chair drinking a pot of tea is the culprit for all this madness.
  176. >“Discord,” Twilight growls. “Couldn’t get away from your calling cards, could you?”
  177. >The Lord of Chaos spits out his tea like a fire hose that had just been turned on.
  178. >“Oh, look, it’s Twilight Sparkle, here to ruin my fun again,” Discord sneers. “Oh, and hi Anonymous.”
  179. >You give a little wave.
  180. >Discord gets up from his chair.
  181. >“Well, I guess now I’m going to be defeated again and put back in stone. Or well, threatened to be put back in stone; you guys never actually do it because I always promise to reform. It’s so very droll. We do this, what, once a month now?”
  182. >“Discord, you’ve caused enough chaos for a thousand years! Because you paralyzed Celestia, the sun isn’t moving! We’ll have eternal summer!” Twilight snaps.
  183. >“No, duh. That’s what I wanted. Sweet, sweet, chaos!”
  184. >Twilight shoots Discord a vitriolic glare.
  185. >“Ugh, ponies. Never have quite a good sense of humor, isn’t that right, Anon?”
  186. >You nod.
  187. “So, what are you doing this time?” you ask.
  188. >“Simple really. I’m going to cut off blood supply to Celestia’s spinal column. I had to start at the base, and getting in through the Royal Tush was quite simple considering it is the most... prominent of Celestia’s features.”
  189. >Discord smiles, showing off his gleaming white fangs.
  190. >“Once my chaos reaches the top of her royal highness’s spine in - oh - about five minutes, tops, then the paralysis will be permanent!”
  191. >Cue maniacal laughter.
  192. >“We’ll stop you!” Twilight shouts.
  193. >“Oh, really? How? You don’t have your precious McGuffins of McGuffindom in here, and I can deflect whatever cute little spells you can throw at me.”
  194. >Twilight growls again, charging an energy beam spell and firing it.
  195. >Discord deflects it, yawning.
  196. >Twilight charges another spell.
  197. >Discord pulls out a bull fighter’s ensemble and dodges it.
  198. >Cheeks burning bright red, Twilight fires spell after spell, and Discord dodges or deflects every single one using, in order, a tennis racket, a golf club, an oversized shield, slicing the beam in half with a katana, hitting a home run with a baseball bat, and turning the spell into a pot of petunias, which he then proceeds to give to Grandma Ataxia.
  199. >At the end, Twilight is left breathless and powerless on the moist grass.
  200. >At the end of the performance, like any good audience member, you applaud.
  201. “Bravo, bravo. But Discord, I have to ask, what are you going to do after you paralyze Celestia? Sure your plan’s great; Hell, it’s foolproof. But what are you going to do next? Take over Equestria? You’ll get bored; I know you. And you’ll still have to face the Elements and Princess Luna, who aren’t going to let you just get away with turning their beloved princess into more of an inanimate vegetable than she already was.”
  202. >Discord pulls out a pipe and sits down on a wooden stool.
  203. >“Ah, Anonymous, you always were the voice of reason. I hate reason. Ugh... But by the fat princess whose posterior I am currently sitting in, you’re right. I will get bored. Plus...”
  204. >He looks to Twilight.
  205. >“Bothering these fools once a month is so much more fun than taking over an empire.”
  206. >He takes one last look at the mess he’s made of Celestia’s insides, then summons a small suitcase.
  207. >“Will you be at the League of Villains meeting this Tuesday?”
  208. “Nope. Gotta do some work then. Give Chrysalis my love, and Sombra my hate.”
  209. >“Well, then arrivederci, Anon!”
  210. >Discord opens the suitcase, sucking the maple syrup, playing cards, checkers, chess pieces, and other various materials into it.
  211. >He then snaps his fingers and disappears.
  212. >Dark red blood flows back into the vein.
  213. “Well, that’s that. Get us out of here, Twilight.”
  214. >“I... I can’t. I’m completely out of magic,” Twilight pants.
  215. “How are we going to get out of here then?!” you exclaim.
  216. >“We’ll probably have to get to Princess Celestia’s lower intestine...”
  217. >You give Twilight a deadpan look.
  218. “Shit.”
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