The wait

I know he's coming over soon.
He always comes over at 6 pm.
Even after all this time, I'm always a little anxious when he's about to come, and I'm not sure why...

I look at my alarm clock, the seconds slowly ticking away.
1 minute past 6. He's late. Why is he late?
I really shouldn't let things like that affect me so much... But as I'm staring at the clock, I lose myself in thoughts, reflect on myself, on my life, and I realize I really don't have much going in my life. These little moments keep me going. The stability, something I can rely on.
Might be why I take it so hard when I realize I can't even rely on it anymore.

The sudden knocking on the door disrupts my thoughts and startles me a little, but it's still a welcomed noise.

"Hisao?"
"Hey! You're wearing your pajamas already? You're so cute in them!"

I blush a little, and remember that time I went to the store and... No. I chase these thoughts from my mind.

"I bought you a present in the city last weekend!"
"Oh?"
"Yeah, I wanted to wait for the right opportunity to give it to you, and seeing as we've been together for a month..."

Hisao's voice is a little shaky at the end; When he continues, I understand why.

"Is it too soon? Celebrating a one-month anniversary is pretty normal right? ...If you're gonna think I'm too attached, we can just pretend I don't have anything. I'll just give it to you after 6 months!"

I can't stop myself from smiling. Hisao's a bit awkward, but he was always funny, and charming.
One month. Time seems to go by so fast, and yet so slow at times...
Sometimes it seems to go by too fast during the good moments, those I wish would last forever... Yet it stretches endlessly during the other moments. The sad ones. I wish it was the other way around.

"Oh, thank you, Hisao! May I open it now?"

He laughs.

"May I come in first? Or are we gonna spend the night on each side of the door, and let the neighbors in on our conversation?"

I smile again. Charming, and funny, and polite, and a kind person... All the qualities any girl would want in a boyfriend. He could've made any girl happy, I'm sure of it. Any girl...

The door snaps shut, and I cannot hear their muffled voices anymore. It may be for the best.
I know she's kissing him right now.
I feel tears slowly dripping onto my pillow as I lay there, in my pink pajamas.
I remember, again, that time I went to the store... No matter how much I try to chase it away, it keeps coming back.

I overheard a conversation, weeks ago... Hisao told her how good she looked in her pajamas. The next day I bought some for myself, and I tried to make him notice them, when he came in to see her.
He never did. Or didn't care, anyway.
Perhaps he noticed, realized what I was doing, but didn't know what to say. Perhaps it was too embarrassing... What was I thinking?

Pajamas won't make me Lilly.
Pajamas won't make him love me.

I pull the sheet over me, trying to find some sleep that just won't come... In the room next to mine, I know they're not sleeping.
I start sobbing, but I suppress it.
It will pass. Tomorrow will be another day.

I look at my alarm clock, and ponder throwing it away. What do I need it for? I have nowhere to go. No one's coming to see me. Time is irrelevant to me.
If I was to throw it away, Hisao would still be there at 6 pm on the next day. Perhaps a minute late, but without the clock, I wouldn't know.
What does it matter?
At the right time, or a minute late, he will always knock on Lilly's door.
Never mine.

I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come.
Wait for the day to be over.
Wait for it all to be over.



The end.