SciTwi & Anon Part 7

>You are currently eating lunch across from Twilight Sparkle.
>She's tinkering with some sort of box. You have no idea what it is.
>But right now, you don't really care.
>You're not even hungry, instead just poking your fork against the goop they served today.
>Maybe it'd be healthier if you didn't even look at it.
>Remember the one time when Dan jerked off into the chowder, and they didn't find out until after they served it to the school?
>Classic Dan.
>"You're awfully quiet today," Twilight says as she continues to solder a wire.
>You don't respond.
>"Aren't you going to ask a stupid question about what I'm making?"
>Still nothing.
>Some rather awkward moments pass.
>"Well, I think you'll rather enjoy what I've planned later today. There's this world filled with--"
"I'm not going."
>She stares blankly at you.
>"Why not?"
"Why not? Don't you remember anything?"
>"If it's because I said your shirt looked stupid the other day, then I'm not taking it b--"
"The science fair, Twi. Remember that?"
>She blinks.
>"What about it?"
>You sigh.
>She's beyond understanding.
>Like most girls, but even more so.
"The whole 'a bunch of people tried to kill us and almost succeeded' thing. You know?"
>"Oh, that? I thought you would be used to that by now."
"Well news flash, Twi. I'm not. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like ranting about it, but who's going to believe me. The only good thing to come out of this is probably that I can now sympathize with my grandfather, and he never shut up about Vietnam this or Vietnam that."
>You put your head in your hands.
"If I had a quarter every time he talked about the way napalm stuck to everything, including small children..."
>"I recall a song about that."
"...What?"
>"Napalm stick to kids," she sings.
"You're not helping!"
>"Look, Anon. You're blowing things out of proportion. We're alive, Anon. Sure, we had a few close brushes with death, but you'll get used to it eventually."
"I just wanted a normal life," you mutter.
>"You think your life is normal? Come on, Anon. You're smarter than that. Your school got attacked by a she-demon who almost turned you all into her personal army. Then a bunch of sirens came along and made you their meal. Nothing about any of that is typical for a high school."
>She starts screwing her box shut.
>"Heck, the same goes for our entire country. Did you know that our Vice President is a lizard?"
>You give her a look.
"A what?"
>"A lizard. You know. Scales and claws."
>You scoff.
"I may be going mad, but I know for a fact that you're full of shit."
>"Look it up if you don't believe me."
>She's messing with you, Anon.
>Don't give in.
>It's like saying gullible isn't in the dictionary.
"You know what? Fine."
>You pull out your phone and do an Internet query.
>Joe Biden lizard
>But all you find are a few joke videos and some obviously photoshopped images.
>Why did you even look this up?
"You know what? Forget it," you say, getting up from your seat. "I'm going to go and, I don't know...have a normal day for once in my life."
>"He is a lizard you know!" Twilight shouts after you as you exit the cafeteria.

>You are Twilight.
>And Anon just left you.
>He's been taking recent events a lot harder than you anticipated.
>Weren't guys supposed to be the tougher sex?
>He must be an outlier.
>Or maybe you're the outlier.
>Well, of course you are. You are Twilight Sparkle. A genius amongst mortals.
"He is a lizard, though," you mumble to yourself.
>"Who is a lizard?" someone asks directly in front of you.
>You jump up.
>Sunset Shimmer has taken Anon's place.
"N-no one. Do I know you?"
>"No, but I do know you."
>Creepy.
>"Sunset Shimmer," the girl says as she extends a hand.
>You merely look to it, then to the owner.
"Can I...help you?"
>"Oh, not really. I just saw you sitting here by yourself and was thinking that maybe you'd like to join me and the girls for lunch."
>Sunset gives you a warm smile.
>Who is this girl and what's her deal?
>Does she want the answers to your math homework or something?
"I-it's fine. I'm almost done with my lunch, anyways."
>"But you're not eating anything."
>Oh, that's right.
>You were making something.
"I, uhhhh, ate already," you say, putting on a fake smile.
>Then as if on cue, your stomach growls.
>Why does it always decide to do that at the worst possible time?
>She laughs.
>"I think your body disagrees. Come on! I'll buy you lunch. I'm not taking no for an answer."
>Then she grabs your wrist and starts to drag you out of the table.
>You grab your device as she does so.
>"I can't wait to introduce you to our friends!"
"'Our' friends?"
>"I'll explain to you later."
>Oh joy.

>You are Anon.
>And you are, well, tired.
>That's one way to put it.
>You have never been more confused in your life.
>How does Twi manage to deal with it?
>She's probably part robot.
>A part robot with more travel and combat experience than the entire school. That is, with the possible exception of Lily.
>Speaking of Lily the lesbian, you haven't seen her in a while.
>She's going to drop out for sure at this rate.
>That discount better have been worth it.
>Probably bought a dildo the size of Mount Everest.
>Let's see. What classes do you have for the rest of today?
>Chemistry and calculus. Boring.
>You know what? There's no way you can concentrate for the rest of the day.
>Not in this condition.
>Time to ditch school.
>You start walking towards the gate, but before you make it, the obese school supervisor comes up to you in his golf cart.
>"Ay, Anon! You ditchin' again, foo'?"
"Yeah. Just don't feel like learning today."
>"Aight man. Stay safe. Make sure you come back tomorrow, 'kay homes?"
"Sure."
>And with that, he drives away.
>Based Jeff.
>You enter the sidewalk and start to head home.
>But as you're walking, you hear the sound of a car speeding up the street.
>Must be another crazy driver.
>You turn around and see a black van heading in your direction.
>A robbery, maybe?
>It then skids to a halt close by, causing you to leap back.
>Several men in sunglasses step out of the car and charge you.
>"FBI! Get down on the ground!" one of them shouts.
>You instinctively raise your hands.
"What the fuck is going on?"
>"HE'S RESISTING! TASE HIM!"
>You feel a prick against your chest, and then your entire body instantaneously freezes up as over a thousand volts electricity flow through you.
>Your body falls back, but one of the men catches you.
>A black bag gets placed over your head and you're dragged into the van.
>"We got him! Returning to HQ now!"
>The van then speeds off into the distance, disregarding all traffic laws.
>Celestia watches the whole thing from her office.
>She sighs as she takes a sip of her coffee.
>"Oh, Anon. What did you do this time?"

>You come to in a dark room, illuminated by a single exposed light bulb shining feebly.
>At least the bag's not on your head any more.
>But you're now bound to a chair.
>What the fuck is going on?
>The door opens, and a muscular man walks in.
>"I see you've awoken."
>He takes a seat opposite you and leans forward.
>"Now listen here, buddy. We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."
"What's going on?"
>The man slaps you across the face. Hard.
>"I'm the one who is asking the questions here, bud. So you keep your fucking mouth shut unless I want an answer."
>He grabs your face so that you're looking directly at him.
>"Tell me."
>His grip is starting to crush your skull.
>Hell, he might actually break it if he doesn't stop.
>"Who told you that the Vice President is a lizard?"
"What?"
>He lets go and punches you in the stomach, causing you to topple over in your chair.
>The wind gets completely knocked out of you, and you start to cough rather violently.
>This looked so much easier to handle in the movies.
>"What did I say about asking questions?"
>He sets you back upright.
>"I'll ask this again. If you don't answer my question this time, then we'll have to take more...drastic measures. Now, who told you that the Vice President was a lizard?"
>In all your life, you never expected to travel to another world.
>You never expected to engage in combat alongside other versions of you and your partner.
>But this?
>This is too much.
>Your body starts to convulse as laughter threatens to escape your lips.
>"You think this is FUNNY?"
>There's no more holding it down.
>You lean your head back as you start to laugh rather maniacally in the dark room.
>The interrogator looks rather uneasy.
>"Prisoner's not cooperating," he says as he turns towards the one-way mirror. "Start the waterboarding."

>You are Twilight.
>And you are being tortured and interrogated.
>"So, Twilight. What do you do in your free time?"
>You look at all the eager faces.
>These kinds of situations are the worst.
>Especially if the spotlight's on you.
>Can't people just take a hint and leave you alone?
>It's not as if you were bothering anyone before. And now you have to.
"Study."
>Awkward silence.
>Applejack clears her throat.
>"Do ya do anythin' else besides, well, studyin'?"
>You put a finger to your chin as you idly slurp the slushie Sunset bought you.
>She insisted on paying for it.
>It's as if she owed you a massive debt.
"I...travel."
>"Oooh!" Sunset says excitedly. "Like to different countries?"
"No. To different planets."
>More silence.
>Then they start to laugh.
>"Ha! Good one, Twi!" Dash says as she gives you a rather rough nudge. "I didn't know you were a jokester."
"I wasn't joking."
>The laughter immediately dies down.
>You continue to slurp on your drink, unamused.
>Rainbow looks to Applejack and gives the "is she crazy?" gesture with her finger.
>The answer is yes, Rainbow. The sooner you accept it, the better.
>You're no their Twilight replacement.
>Come to think of it, who is that Twilight, anyways?
>You don't think you've met her before, and you've encountered a lot of Twilights.
>Maybe she's so wrapped up in her friendship bullshit that she gave up scientific pursuits altogether.
>After all, she has her own set of dedicated disciples right here in front of you.
>What a shame.
>"I must say, your outfit looks rather fabulous. The colors blend together quite nicely," Rarity speaks up, trying to ease the mood.
"I know."
>She seems surprised by your response and bites her lip nervously.
>How much longer until they give up?
>At least Buttershy's not saying anything. That is her name, right?
>"Oooh!" Pinkie shouts. "I have an idea! Let's go sing some karaoke after school!"
>Please no.
>"Great idea, Pinkie," Sunset replies. "Wanna come with, Twi? I promise it'll be fun!"
"Actually, I--"
>"Great! We'll meet you at the front! How does that sound?"
"How about--"
>The school bell cuts you off, indicating the end of lunch.
>"Sounds like a plan!" Sunset says. "See you then!"
>The six pick up their trays and leave.
>You're still sitting there, absentmindedly poking at your slushie with your straw, as you try to take deep breaths.
>It's going to be a long, painful day.

>You are Anon, and you are currently being waterboarded.
>Well, it's not exactly waterboarding.
>You're just balancing on a wakeboard in a small, inflatable pool.
>But you decide it's not your place to correct your captor.
>"WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE VICE PRESIDENT?" the interrogator booms, a vein visibly throbbing in his neck.
"No one! I was just bored!"
>"YOU LIE!"
>More ice cold water is thrown at you, making you flinch and shiver.
>This would be so much more refreshing if you were outside.
>The interrogator picks up another bucket of water.
>"Look, pal. I don't enjoy this any more than you do. As soon as you answer the question, all of this will be over."
"I already answered your stupid question! Now let me go!"
>He launches more water at you, this time a little bit more slowly.
>You rub your eyes and look at him.
>His shoulders are heaving.
>"Waterboarding" must be exhausting. Huh, pal?
>Before your captor can ask you the same question for the hundredth time, a figure enters the room.
>"Alright, that's enough. Turn on the lights."
>The room immediately brightens, causing you to flinch and cover your eyes.
>Your interrogator is also caught by surprise, and he drops the bucket on his foot.
>"Ow, fuck!"
>"Careful there, son."
>As your eyes adjust to the sudden lack of darkness, a familiar figure comes into view.
>You've only seen him on television and the papers.
>Is that really him?
>"Hello, son. I'm Joe Biden."
>The Vice President of the United States.
>Here. In the flesh.
>And not a single scale to be seen.
"H-hello, Mr. Vice P-president," you try to say with chattering teeth. "Nice to m-meet you."
>"Please, call me Joe."
>Joe turns to the agent.
>"Now what exactly is going on here?"
>"We're waterboarding the prisoner for information, Mr. Vice President sir!"
>"Waterboarding? You think THIS is-- oh, nevermind."
>He turns towards you.
>"I apologize for all of this. New hires tend to make the simplest of mistakes. Next time, we'll make sure to use the correct technique."
"Um, it's not a p-problem at all...Joe. I'm just g-glad you're not a l-lizard."
>The interrogator then launches another bucket of ice water at you.
>"WHO TOLD YOU THAT HE WAS A LIZARD?"
>However, some of the water hits the Vice President, and sparks start to fly off of him.
>"Agent! What do you think you're-- oh hello there, I'm Joe Bi-- let's talk about healthcare--"
>He jerks and twitches.
>You can hear something short circuiting.
>"Nice to meet you, ma'am-- no, we're not waterboar-- of course I support Isra--"
>He the slaps an arm against his chest, and Joe Biden fades away in a pixelated blur.
>In front of you no longer stands Joe Biden.
>It's a giant fucking lizard.
>Standing on its hind legs.
>The claws and teeth.
>The scales.
>The eyes.
>Holy shit.
>Twilight was right. Again.
>"Oh, look what you did!" the talking reptile snaps at the blushing agent. "You ruined my projection!"
>It holds its head in its little lizard hands and sighs, then turns to you.
>"Let's start over," it says with a lisp. "I'm Vice President Joe Biden. Pleased to meet you."

>The final school bell rings.
>"Remember, class. The projects for the upcoming science fair are due in a couple weeks. I'd get a head start if I were you. If you procrastinate, then I will notice."
>Of course you will, Ms. Oldsfeld.
>You'll just pull something out of your lab that isn't too complex or dangerous on the day it's due.
>Explosives aren't considered dangerous, right? Just as long as they're handled with care?
>Whatever.
>You're Twilight Sparkle after all. And you do what you want...most of the time.
>You start to head towards the front entrance, but suddenly remember the conversation at lunch earlier.
>There's no way in hell you're going to waste the next couple hours of your valuable time doing something as stupid as karaoke.
>You turn around and start heading towards the back entrance.
>But you're not five steps down the stairs when a pink blur practically materializes in front of you.
>"Hi!"
"Woah!"
>You jump back as you almost get pounced upon by one of Sunset's friends.
"Where the heck did you come from?"
>Pinkie gives you a massive smile as she shrugs.
>"Sorry! My Pinkie sense told me that you conveniently forgot where we were meeting. So I'm here to fetch ya!"
>Fetch?
>What are you? Some newspaper that a dog gets every morning?
"Uh, yeah. About that..."
>She leans in rather closely with her big eyes, and you lean back in response.
>Does this thing have the slightest concept of personal space?
"I...can't make it today."
>Pinkie puts on a small pout.
>"Why not?"
"Um. Homework?"
>"Oh, don't be silly!" the pink monster says as she blows a raspberry. "I promise that we won't keep you for long."
>She grabs you by the wrist and starts to drag you away.
>"Now what are we waiting for? Everyone's waiting!"

>The seven of you are sitting on a couch in a cramped, dimly lit room, illuminated only by a TV and a rather pathetic disco ball that's probably about to fall off the ceiling.
>"What should we sing first?" Sunset asks as she browses the list of songs.
>"Why don't we let Twilight pick?" Applejack suggests.
>All eyes fall on you.
>Your heart starts to race.
>These are the sort of situations that you have nightmares about.
"I...really don't care."
>"You sure, sugarcube?"
>The shy one speaks up.
>"Why don't we sing one of our songs?"
>They wrote SONGS together?
>Probably about friendship or something like that.
>"Does the TV even have those?" Dash asks.
>Sunset looks through the list.
>"Looks like it. Not yours, though."
>Rainbow crosses her arms.
>"These people wouldn't know quality music if it hit them in the face."
>"How about 'Shine Like Rainbows?' That one's my favorite," Rarity suggests.
>'Shine Like Rainbows?' Could that have been any more cheesy?
>There are children's songs with better titles for crying out loud.
>You try not to die of cringe. Or a stroke.
>"Sounds great!"
>Sunset hits play and the music starts.
>Lyrics appear on the screen.
>Applejack leans into her microphone.
>"Once upon a time you came into my world and made the stars align."
>Rarity leans into her.
>The two must be really good friends.
>"Now I can see the signs. You pick me up when I get down so I can shine."
>Now everyone else joins in.
>Everyone except you, that is.
>"Shine like rainbows," they repeat several times, looking as if they just discovered the meaning of life.
>You hate to admit it.
>But as stupid as the lyrics are, this tune's actually kinda...catchy.
>And so far it doesn't seem to be explicitly about--
>"Friends, you are in my life," Dash continues.
>Fuck.
>An eye starts to twitch.
>You start to feel a sharp pain growing in the left side of your chest.
>"And you can count on me to be there by your side."
>It's getting hard to breathe.
>Sunset looks to you, completely oblivious to the agony you're experiencing.
>"And when the music comes alive," she sings with her silky-smooth, friendship-filled voice. "we sing our songs to lift us up so we can shine."
>Sweat starts to bead on your forehead, and your face is heating up.
>The voices start to sound distant as you feel your life leaving you.
>Your heart feels as though it's trying to break out of your chest, and you firmly place your hand over it to prevent that from happening.
>So this is how it ends.
>Not in the cold grips of space or on some strange planet.
>But here.
>Trapped in a small, dirty room.
>Surrounded by friendly faces singing about friendship.
>Goodbye, cruel world.
>It was a good run.

>You are Anonymous.
>And you are currently walking through the Capitol Building, accompanied by a giant walking, talking lizard and his bodyguards.
>Excuse you. Vice President Joe Biden, who has restored his human facade.
"So you're telling me that the lizard people have been running our government for centuries?"
>"Oh, not just this government. We're running countries across the entire world."
>Your group enters an elevator and start to descend.
"But why?"
>"Long ago, the lizard people had to escape their planet during the Great Reptilian Recession. It was absolutely awful. Those that survived ended up on Earth by chance."
"Okay...but why take over our government?"
>"Because that is where we lizards feel most at home. Every lizard back on their home planet held public office in one form or another. And I'd say that we are doing a pretty good job running the humans, if I do say so myself."
>The elevator opens, revealing a vast office full of lizard people.
>All of them are wearing a dress shirt and tie.
>Phones are ringing, and lizards are answering them.
>Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.
>Joe Biden presses a button on his collar, and his human form disappears.
>"I'll take it from here, boys," he says to his bodyguards, his lizard lisp back.
>The two of you start walking down the office.
>"This is where most of the magic happens," he says with pride. "Policies both foreign and domestic."
>A lizard walks up to Joe. He's wearing a fucking propeller cap.
>"Mister Vice President," he says, his tongue flickering out of his mouth. "The banks have request twenty billion dollars in bailout money. But I was so nice that I gave them two-hundred billion!"
>The Vice President pats him on his scaly head.
>"Good job, Derek. Keep it up."
"So what about our congressmen? The human ones?"
>"Oh yes. There are some of those. Of course they play a role in their government, even though they frankly have no idea what they're doing. But even then, we try to cooperate. Lizard people are a group of peace, after all."
>Well, that's good.
>You think.
>"But to be completely honest, the humans don't know anything about running a nation. I mean, look at Greece. Their government is 95% human, and they're making a complete mess of themselves."
>"Actually, that statistic is outdated. the Greek government is 97% lizard now," someone speaks up.
>"Oh, really?"
>Biden shakes his head.
>"Well, that's even worse. Humans are so bad at governing that even at three percent they are running themselves into the ground."
>The two of you enter a quiet hallway.
>"How much of our government is reptilian?"
>Joe puts a claw to his chin in though.
>"I'd say it's about half."
"Half?"
>"Yep. I figure it won't be too long before we're almost at full capacity."
>"Is our President a lizard?"
"Our President? Oh, heavens no."
>Phew.
"I guess this has been eye-opening and all, but why tell me all this?"
>Joe sighs.
>"I can understand your confusion. You see, being a lizard person is difficult. We're not exactly an accepted people here on Earth."
"Maybe that's because no one knows you exist."
>"That's not necessarily true. You see, some time ago there a lizard who was tired of pretending to be something he was not. He was a merchant in his free time. So one day, he decided to run his store in his true form. But as fate has it, a little boy chanced upon his shop, and upon seeing the owner, he was absolutely horrified."
"Then what happened?"
>"The lizard tried to explain himself to the boy, but he would not be listened to. The boy ran out into the street, and the lizard gave chase out of concern for the child. Thankfully, it was late at night when no one else was outside. The lizard was eventually able to corner the boy and tried to console him, but it was to no avail."
>Joe looks down.
>"And so the lizard eventually gave up and returned to his shop."
"What about the boy?"
>"The boy held a grudge against the lizard people ever since. He made a vow to be rid of them all."
"Well he obviously didn't succeed."
>"No, but his actions were tragic nonetheless."
>Wait a minute.
"When was this?"
>"Late nineteenth century, I believe."
"Where?"
>"Germany."
>You pause.
"Germany?"
>"Yes."
>Meine Güte.
"I'm...sorry to hear that."
>"It's alright."
>Joe takes out a hundred dollar bill and blows into it.
>He pulls out another.
>"Tissue?"
"This," you ask, pointing to the paper currency. "Is a tissue?"
>"Are they not?"
>You gingerly accept it and pocket the money.
"Thanks."
>Joe leads you down a door and opens it.
>It's a very cold room with ice covering the surfaces.
>Meat is hanging off hooks chained to the ceiling.
"What this?"
>"Oh, I forgot to mention. Every now and then we consume human flesh. We are a carnivorous bunch, after all. I'm glad you understand. Now if you'll just kindly place yourself inside..."
>Upon further inspection, you realize that the meat was in fact people.
>One of them looks like an intern.
>The lizards are eating people.
>What the fuck?
>You slowly start to back away.
>"Where are you going? The fridge is this way."
>Two pairs of claws grab your shoulders.
>You look back to see two lizards holding you.
"You can't do this! I'm a human being, for crying out loud!"
>"Exactly. Which is why we're putting you in the fridge."
>They're starting to push you towards the door.
>You can feel the cold air blowing against your face.
>No no no no no...
>This is not how you want your life to end.
>Fuck lizard people.
>Fuck every single one of them.
>"Just a little bit further," Joe says with glee, rubbing his claws together.
>Think, Anon. Think.
>How do you get of of this?
"Look out! An owl!"
>The frightened lizards look around frantically.
>"Owl? Where?" One asks, terrified.
>You then break out of their grasp and start running in the opposite direction.
>"You fools! You let him get away!" the Vice President shouts.
>"B-but the owl!"
>Joe smacks one of them across the head.
>"It was a trick, you idiot! Now get him!"
>"He...lied? How could he do something so cruel?" one of them whimpers as they give chase.
>You frantically start looking around for an exit as you run away from your pursuers.
>The elevator is out of the option. Too slow.
>You see a sign on the wall with an arrow pointing in your direction.
>"Stairs."
>Perfect.
>You run back into the main office and start to weave between the cubicles and lizards.
>Don't look back.
>You look back.
>They bodyguards are gaining on you.
>Damn they're fast.
>You start knocking over tables and paperwork behind you, hoping that would slow them down.
>"Stop making a mess you jerk! Some of us are trying to work here!" someone shouts.
>Fuck you lizard men.
>You then jump on a table and start to run, the main reason being you saw it in a movie and it looked kinda cool.
>More papers and miscellaneous items go into the air as you kick them aside.
>A though starts creeping into your head.
>It's hard to ignore it.
>But even though you're probably going to become lizard food, you can't help but feel a sense of thrill.
>The adrenaline.
>The action.
>Holy shit.
>You're actually enjoying this a little too much.
"Catch me if you can!" you taunt.
>"Don't worry! We will!"
>You can hear them gaining on you.
>Wait, nevermind.
>Facing your doom isn't enjoyable at all.
>Okay, maybe a tiny bit.
>You jump down and reach the stairway door.
>Throwing your shoulder into the door, you turn the handle and push it open.
>A claw grabs you and you slam the door on its owner.
>His arm detaches from his body, but it's still grabbing onto you.
"Ew, gross!"
>You swat it off and start to run upstairs.
>The door can be heard swinging back open as you climb up.
>"Don't worry! It'll grow back!"
>"I know, but it still hurts..."
>"Don't be such a baby! He's getting away!"
>"Can you kiss it better?"
>"What am I? Your mom?"
>"You kinda look like her. I think it's the eyes."
>"Shut up and go!"

>Your lungs are absolutely killing you as you make it back to the main floor entrance.
>With a heave, you push it open.
>And for once in your life, you're glad to see normal humans walking around.
>Even though some of them are probably lizards in disguise.
>How will you even manage to get away?
>That doesn't matter right now. Just run.
>You start sprinting down the hallway, and it's not long before you hear the stairway door swing open.
>Audible gasps can be heard.
>You can't outrun them forever, Anon.
>Find somewhere to hide.
>You turn the corner, your knees momentarily brushing the ground as you slide because the tiles are so damn slick.
>Whoever does the floor deserves a raise.
>Just pick a door, Anon.
>Any door.
>You run to the right and barge in.
>"...and that is why I urge you to upgrade your processor, Mr. President. You'll be able to speak more words at a time and be able to think more efficiently."
>"I, uhhh, appreciate your concern," Obama responds. "However, people...like the way I speak. It makes me, uhhhhhh, appear more humble and relatable as a, uh, human being. And not a robot."
>The people in the room turn to you.
>Unless robots don't count as people.
>"And who is this, uhhh, fine gentleman?" the President asks.
>But before you can reply, you are tackled to the ground by your pursuers.
>"Got you now! Just like we said we would!" one of them hisses directly into your ear.
>"...maybe we should leave the room," the presidential aide suggests as he begins to lead the two outside.
>"Have a good day, gentleman. And God bless America," Obama says as he exits, not at all put off by the scene.
>Mr. President, please don't leave.
>They're gonna kill you.
>But it's too late. He's gone.
>Probably to recharge his batteries or install the latest software update.
>You kick and struggle and shout, but it's no use.
"Get off me you slit-eyed fucks!"
>The lizards have got you subdued, even though one of them is missing an arm.
>"Now that's just offensive. Hold still so that we can take you back to your fridge."
"Fuck you!"
>Joe Biden enters the room, once again in his human form.
>He shuts the door behind him.
>"All you had to do was get into the fridge. Why was that so hard?"
"Eat my ass!"
>"Too much fat. We usually discard those."
>The Vice President takes out a syringe and approaches you.
>It's over. There's no escape now.
>You stop struggling and start to cry on the inside.
>Well, Anon.
>This is it.
>But before he can sedate you, the door swings open.
>"Dad!"
>Joe turns around.
>A man is standing at the doorway, looking not at all amused.
>He walks in with determination.
>"Hunter? What are you dong here?"
>"I could ask the same of you. Why are you trying to eat this poor man?"
>Thank you, deus ex machina.
>A million times thank you.
>Joe sighs.
>"Because we're lizard people and that's what we do."
>"But we're better than that!"
>The Vice President puts his head in a hand.
>"We've had this conversation a million times. I respect that you choose not to eat people, but respect goes both ways. What do you think your name means?"
>"I'd change it if you would let me. Let this poor man go. He doesn't deserve this."
>Joe steps forward.
>"Son..."
>"Don't 'son' me. Don't you respect my opinions? Are you so stuck up in your old ways that you'd be willing to do THIS in front of my very eyes?"
>Hunter crosses his arms.
>"If you eat this person, then, then..."
>He thinks for a moment.
>"Then I'm going to change my name to something else! Like Rick!"
>"You would dare discard the name I gave you over something so...trivial?"
>Silence.
>The two stare each other down for a good half minute.
>You can feel the heavy tension in the air.
>But in the end, Joe concedes.
>"Fine. I won't eat THIS specific human," he grumbles.
>Hunter smiles.
>"Thanks, Dad. That means a lot."
>The two share a father-son hug, and Joe turns back to you.
>"Alright, let him go."
>The lizards let go of you, and Joe pulls you to your feet.
>"Sorry for the whole 'eating you' thing," he says. "Nothing personal. Human flesh is just too delicious sometimes."
>"Dad!"
>"Sorry, son."
>"And here's some advice, lizard to man," he whispers quietly as he dusts your shoulders. "Don't have children. They're more of a pain than they're worth."
"Uhh, thanks?"
>"No problem."
>He extends a hand, and and you grab it hesitantly.
>"It's been a pleasure meeting you, Anonymous," he says with a warm smile as he firmly shakes your hand, as if you were having a casual, friendly exchange the entire time. "Now let's get you home."

>You are Twilight.
>And you are on the brink of death.
>"As the music of our friendship survives, survives, survives!" they all sing, swaying shoulder to shoulder.
>The song ends, and everyone cheers.
>"That was great!"
>"Yeah!"
>After they calm down and return to their seats, Sunset turns to you.
>"I say it's your turn to sing. You've been too quiet the entire time."
>You shake your head and try not to vomit.
"I'm good. Really."
>"Come on. It's fun when you try! We won't judge, I promise!"
>You still shake your head.
>"Hmmm, tell ya what? You can go as soon as you do one song."
>Your eyes perk up.
"Just one?"
>She smiles and nods.
>"Yep! Unless you want to stay afterwards, that is."
>This is your way out, Twilight.
>Take it.
"Fine."
>You stand up and grab the remote, browsing the list of songs.
>Just one song.
>One song.
>That's it.
>However, you want to make it absolutely clear to them that you never want to do this sort of thing again.
>No more karaoke.
>No more friendship.
>A familiar title appears on the screen.
>Not exactly your kind of music, but it'll have to do.
>The music starts to play, and you pick up your mic.
>You go over the pile of hats and put a cap on sideways at a tilted angle.
>Then you roll up your sleeves and unbutton your vest.
>It's time to get serious.
>Everyone else leans in, eager to hear you sing.
"It was such a nice day today," you begin. "What a shame if someone tried to mess it up for me. Look around."
>The group shares glances.
"I mean, I hear everything you're saying, but to be honest with you..."
>You turn to Sunset Shimmer.
"I don't give a FUCK, dude!"
>Her mouth opens a bit in shock.
>The lyrics show up, but you don't need to look at them.
>You've memorized them the first time you heard it.
"'Let me tell you about my GPA, four-oh, straight A's and--' I don't give a fuck."
>The shy one seems to be getting scared.
"'Let me tell you about my resume. It's so cray, it's insane and--' I don't give a fuck."
>Rarity is looking rather uneasy now. Is this not divine enough for you?
>All of you asked for this. And now you're going to sit here and take it. All of it.
"'And my boyfriend he's so hot, and the car that he bought me is--' I don't give a fuck."
>The smiles are now gone.
>Dash seems to be rather impressed, though.
"And my 'ooh-la-la,' my 'blah, blah, blah,' and I. Don't. Give. A Fuck."
>You start rapping away like no one's business, the verses coming out so slick they'd think your tongue was a slug soaked in lube.
>The mic takes barrage after barrage of your spit as you furiously rap with such intensity and energy that even nuclear power plants would be green with envy.
>And with the last verse, you bring down the mic and take in a deep breath.
>Your shoulders are heaving, and your hair is now a bit undone.
>Some of it sticks to your forehead because of the sweat.
>You look to the screen to see your score.
>Perfect A+.
>Of course.
>Pinkie is the first to speak.
>"Twilight..."
>You wait for her to finish, not bothering to hide your smirk.
>"That was...amazing!"
>The rest cheer in agreement.
>What? No!
>"I didn't know that you could rap," Dash says. "That's pretty sick!"
>"A bit uncouth, I admit," Rarity adds. "But I do know talent when I see it."
>You start to death-grip your microphone.
>What will it take to get it into their thick skulls that you don't want to hang out with them?
>Sunset puts a hand on your shoulder.
>"You're pretty good with that. And I could see that you were really into it. Maybe you should join our band!"
>You look around at all the excited faces.
"Do I want to join your band? Well, let me tell you what I think about that idea."
>You bring the microphone up and stare at each of them, dead in the eyes.
"I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck."
>And with that, you hold out your mic sideways and drop it.
>You then exit the room and leave the building.
>The rest of the group watch you go.
>Silence fills the room.
>"So," Pinkie speaks up. "Is that a maybe?"

>You are Anonymous.
>"Alright. Here we are."
>The bag is lifted off your head, and sudden brightness fills your eyes.
>You squint and look out the window.
"This isn't my house."
>"It's close enough. This isn't a taxi service, you know."
>The door slides open, and you step outside.
"Wait," you say as you turn around. "You're just gonna let me go?"
>Joe Biden leans out the open passenger window. He's wearing sunglasses to conceal his identity.
>"What? You want us to probe you or something?"
"Well, no. It's just that..."
>You shrug.
"Don't I know too much?"
>Joe laughs.
>"And what? People will believe some random high school kid if he says that the government is run by lizards from space? Yeah. Good luck with that."
>He starts to roll up his window.
>"Remember, son. We know where you live. Let's go, boys. I'm starving."
>The van then speeds off into the distance.
>Well, that concludes today's adventure.
>At least you got some cash out of it.
>You feel your pocket.
>Yep. Still there.
>Looking around, you realize that you're in Twilight's neighborhood.
>Might as well pay her a visit.
>As you're walking up to her house, you see a familiar figure approaching down the sidewalk.
>Twilight looks rather exhausted, and she's wearing a cap as if she's some sort of rapper.
"Hey, Twi!" you shout. "When's your next album coming out?"
>She perks up and sees you.
>Then, realizing what you're talking about, she takes off her cap.
"How was your day?"
>She puts the hat on your head.
>"Let's just say that it was so bad that seeing you just might be the highlight of it."
>Twilight walks up her porch and takes out her keys.
"The highlight, huh?"
>"Don't let it go to your head. I was basically tortured."
"You're a sight for sore eyes as well, Twi. I met the Vice President today."
>She unlocks the door and the two of you enter.
>"Of course you did."
"No, I'm being completely serious. You were right. He really is a lizard. And so are a bunch of other people."
>"Uh huh."
"They were gonna eat me, too."
>"Sure."
>She places her hand on the hidden scanner in the hallway, and part of the wall moves away, revealing the stairway down to her lab.
"It was crazy. I thought I was gonna die."
>Twilight punches in her usual code to the lab, and the door slides open.
>"Hello, Twilight. Hello, Anonymous," Cel says.
>Huh. It knows your name now.
>"So why are you here?" Twilight says as she goes over to a closet starts to casually change into her lab attire. "I thought you needed some time to think."
"Yeah, about that..."
>You take a seat.
"You have to understand all the things we've been doing has been rather...overwhelming for me."
>Twilight throws on her lab coat and adjusts her glasses.
"I mean, not too long ago I thought you were just some shy nerd at my school. Which you still are, but..."
>You gesture wildly at the lab.
"All this...stuff. The adventures we go on and the risks we take. Maybe it's so much that I can't process it properly."
>"I never force you to go with me."
"Yeah, I know that. But..."
>Twilight is now facing you. She's leaning on a table nearby.
>"But?"
>You realize that this is the longest time she's ever paid attention to what you have to say.
"I still haven't figured out exactly what I'm going to do with this. I mean, I like going on these adventures, but at the same time I don't want to have my body or sanity blown to bits before I graduate. So..."
>You take a breath.
"I'm staying."
>"You are?" Twilight asks rather excitedly, but catches herself.
>She clears her throat.
>"You are?" she repeats with her usual calm.
>You nod.
"Yep. For now, at least. Just promise me that the next trip isn't going to involve a full out war."
>"I don't make promises, but I can try this once."
"Thanks, Twi," you say with a smile. "So, what's the plan for today?"
>"Nothing much. I'm so exhausted that I might just do one experiment and call it a day."
"That bad, huh?"
>"You have no idea."
"Well," you say as you lean back in your chair. "I'm listening."
>"Oh, so you're my therapist now?"
"Maybe you could use one. You're practically insane."
>"Says the one who thinks he's going to lose it."
"In that case, we both could use some help."
>"Therapy can't save us."
"And how does that make you feel?"