I'm struggling with speedgaming

The Reason why i haven't been speedrunning/streaming is because: I have some kind of Doubt of doing well ever since i've been slipping and making awful mistakes and forgetting triggers in games i've ran in the past those being colosseum and XD i failed my low% run today in colosseum because of stupidity and poor judgement i should be ashamed and i DID IT TWICE ON STREAM! and i let my viewers down i feel like an idiot i'm worried if a submission gets into gdq and i run a game i'm gonna lose my cool and get myself into trouble idk anyone at this event and i feel nervous about running games right now everytime i attempt i feel i gotta give up IDK what's wrong with me. i had such confidence when i had that good time in Doubutsu no Mori after 70+ tries and four runs completed i had the wr after putting so much effort when i gave my iQue to susslord he got the fucking record in a Day! A FUCKING first attempt i feel like i've been outlucked outwitted by an execution gamer not a RPG/LUCK player i feel really frustrated and i don't know what to do iQue could just beat my sub fifty and easily have uncontested wr and thx to forstrides ruleset it's all the same console to him and he cares not about difference in speed/and overall performance between iQue which means he gives no shit about those games and cares not to get a time in either one i only have new leaf to go to get an all debts time then i'm the only one in the ac discord that has run every game in the main series for all debts. this has been bothering me for quite some time not because susslord beat my time and i'm salty because i put a lot of hard work and effort into getting something susslord used a screenshot program which i didn't i did everything back then by memory even if i beat his time he has a overall advantage in my speedgame but not in all bugs races because that's where it gets tough luck is involved and even when i screwed up and was at a 15min disadvantage i still ended up winning after all those mistakes so i've thought of a lot of things watched anime in sorrow as i thought of giving up running games alltogether and selling all my hardware all i can do is sit back and watch as people take all my times away and talk trash and treat me with disrespect i'm sick of it the only one in that community who actually cares is ZOEKAY! he's a nice person who doesn't treat me like a target but an ally. everyone is aganist me when i'm in a bad mood friks stride and all the others i can't believe that they can't see that isn't me and my stupid ego talking they are nothing but internet trash and piss me off mainly friks all he does is comeback quit and comeback again and talk shit i like him but i disrespect his antics and it's driving me nuts idk what people whisper about or talk privately about me but all i know is it isn't good and people like zoekay stuck up for me he helped me get respect. and zoekay i really am thankful all i tried to do is make the community a whole again but people like friks are tearing it apart all i want is people to get along and enjoy and not overdo it on the shit talk sometimes i don't know when your joking or serious and sometimes my brain is a little dumb or retarded that's cause it's my moms fault i'm really mad that people also use the words: autism retarded and those words that resemble discrimination toward handicaps and disabilitys go on yet people are complaining about misgendering HA you all are so stupid i hate people who discriminate against handicaps by using those terms in vain it makes me sick anyway this is my pastebin for saterday and i'm through ranting. so figure out what to do as a internet group to fix my issue.