I'm going to be frank here. I need help.

I have a serious problem with addiction and impulse control, and if I don't address it, I'm going to continue to dig myself even deeper into the hole I've already dug myself. What happened is entirely my fault and I take full responsibility for everything. What happened was unacceptable, and inexcusable. I have struggled in the past with impulsive behavior, and I had thought that I had it under control. I know now that is not true, and as things stand now, I am not someone to be trusted. I will not ask for forgiveness, nor will I ask for sympathy. I've been known for questionable things in the past, and what happened less than a week ago is another sizable strike against me. The only thing I am here to say, aside from claim responsibility is try to explain what had happened.

A little over a week ago I joined an NSFW convention server for Colossalcon. It was very heavily oriented towards NSFW content which included nudes/lewds. I rarely take lewds of myself anymore due to body dysmorphia. However, many people in the server were very encouraging and supportive, and helped me feel more comfortable with myself and my body image. I started by taking a tasteful lewd picture and posted it in the server, and I got overwhelming support. I felt way more comfortable with myself and while everyone else was taking pictures of themselves in the server, I decided I'd try something a bit spicier but send it privately instead. I wrote "If 10 people react to this I'll send them a lewd" to which I got 4 total reacts. I don't know if the post was fully understood but this was my fault for taking this as consent. So later on, I filmed a short video of myself fully exposed and climaxing and sent it to each of those four people. At first, the responses to these videos weren't actually negative, and one person even said "Thanks for sharing, that was hot". (I will not share names for anonmymity's sake. These people were all also 21+ years old for what it is worth). However days following, I sensed something was off. It started with one of the victim's friends reaching out to me saying that I was making them uncomfortable (people flirt a lot in that server and I was also, sometimes excessively). I talked with them and told that I was sorry, and also explained what had happened, and nothing more would happen. Since then, everything was fine for about a day or two, and I'd hang out in VC and casually chat with people there. Then one night, mods from the server must have caught wind of what had happened, and as a result, I was promptly banned.

I will not excuse my behavior.

What happened is entirely on me, and I should have taken extra steps to ensure proper consent was received by the parties involved. I fully accept any and all consequences that arise from this, and will not occupy convention spaces until such a time where it can be proven that I can be trusted in those spaces. I wholeheartedly apologize to the victims of this incident, I hope following this you can find the peace of mind you need to heal from this. I apologize to everyone in the Colossalcon community. I understand your anger, and I understand if I am never forgiven for any of this. And I also apologize to everyone in the larger cosplay community. I know word of this will spread and has already. Going forward, I am going to be seeking additional help, including new therapy and psychiatric help. And I solemnly promise I will not show my face at another cosplay or convention space until I've gotten the help I need.

That's all I have to say.