Amy Schumer: Growing (2019)

1
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,440
Yes!

2
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:36,244
Thank you so much, Chicago.

3
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,207
Thank you.

4
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,551
I used to do something a lot of comics do.

5
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:55,805
I would blame my disgusting behavior
on the city I was in.

6
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,791
You know how people would be like,

7
00:00:57,849 --> 00:01:02,145
"Chicago, you got me so fucked up
last night!" You know?

8
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:05,940
And the crowd was like,
"Okay. We were not here last night."

9
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,735
"Denver!

10
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,113
You made me fuck that stranger, no condom.
You're crazy, Denver!"

11
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826
"Armed robbery?

12
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,411
Philly, you silly."

13
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,793
"No, ma'am. We are concerned for you."

14
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,837
That's all over now.

15
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,965
Because I'm fucking pregnant!

16
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,013
Yeah, I did it.

17
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,183
I'm amazing.

18
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,562
I laid there, and...

19
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,064
that's it.

20
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:54,322
Usually, when someone in the public eye
gets pregnant,

21
00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:56,074
there's, like, a couple of months

22
00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,493
where there's some rumors about them,
you know?

23
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,204
There's some, like, "Oop, bump alert!"

24
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,287
Right?

25
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,624
Uh-oh. Uh...

26
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,045
I was well into my second trimester.

27
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:16,010
Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing.

28
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,306
I was photographed.

29
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,602
Belly out. They're like, "There's Amy!"

30
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,275
"Looking happy. I don't know.

31
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,988
Doing her." And then so once people knew,
they were like, "Is she showing?"

32
00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:37,782
They were like,
"No more than normal. Kinda...

33
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,203
It just kinda looks like
she took her Spanx off."

34
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,795
There are all these rules about pregnancy
that are unsaid.

35
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,137
Where is it written
that when you're pregnant,

36
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,466
you have to cup your little bump

37
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,635
in every picture?

38
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,346
It's so obnoxious, guys. Every picture.

39
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,514
Here...

40
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,726
It's all right.
Some people do the two hand.

41
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,229
I was like, okay, fuck it.

42
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,234
I'll do it, but I'm going to do it
for the rest of my life.

43
00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:18,823
I'm going to be 90 years old like this,
with a cigarette in my mouth like...

44
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:26,206
I do it. I cup the bump...

45
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,125
in pictures,
but I just do it a little bit lower.

46
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,293
I just go right here.

47
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,884
'Cause this is the area that got me
in trouble in the first place.

48
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,265
All the questions everyone...
"What are you having?

49
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,642
Do you know what you're having?"

50
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:46,935
Hemorrhoids.

51
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,940
Any other questions?

52
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:57,904
Why do they ask, "What are you craving?
What are you craving?

53
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,113
Are you craving anything?"

54
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,323
Cock!

55
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,461
Just me and my angel.

56
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,593
People always want to see the bump.
That's like the thing.

57
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,429
"Just show me that fucking bump, bitch."

58
00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:29,727
And my belly button is getting
so misshapen with this baby inside

59
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,897
that I had to put two Band-Aids
over my belly button tonight.

60
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,408
That's more than you bargained for, right?

61
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:51,249
Somebody's neglecting their bikini area.

62
00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:56,753
I...

63
00:04:57,338 --> 00:05:02,135
I'll tell you who it's not fun to be
pregnant at the exact same time as.

64
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,846
Meghan Markle.

65
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:11,769
I think we're, like, to the day
the same amount pregnant.

66
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,940
And she's out there
in, like, six-inch heels,

67
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,527
adorable outfits, and she has like...
There's been no bump.

68
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,528
Like, there's been...

69
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,240
She, like, cups where the bump <i>will </i>be,
you know. She's like...

70
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,908
"Here.

71
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,077
Here's where the baby will be."

72
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,837
People see me, they're like, "The last
couple of weeks are the hardest, right?

73
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,259
Are you crowning?
I think I can see an ear.

74
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,469
Is that an ear?"

75
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,850
If I were Meghan Markle...

76
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,186
and I am...

77
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,816
'Cause she hangs out with the Queen now.

78
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,735
Like, they hang out
and have conversations.

79
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:01,818
If I were Meghan,

80
00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,654
no matter what the Queen asked me,

81
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:07,283
and I can't do a great British accent,
but, you know, if she said something like,

82
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,369
"La, la, la.

83
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,623
Oh! Pip-pip!

84
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,960
Would you like a spot of lemon?" Like
probably exactly that, she probably says.

85
00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:21,672
No matter what,

86
00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,526
if I were Meghan, I would answer
everything she asks with,

87
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,594
"Yas, Queen!

88
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,722
Yas."

89
00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:35,728
I just came so close to shitting myself.
You guys don't...

90
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:43,069
This special almost became a real special.
That would have...

91
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,615
What would I have done?
Kind of just kicked it, and...

92
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:52,412
trusted that you guys would be cool.
Is that what I would have done?

93
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,458
I have not had an easy pregnancy.

94
00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:01,087
I have hyperemesis,
which I'd never even heard of.

95
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,172
It's extreme nausea and vomiting.

96
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,092
If you've ever had food poisoning,
it's that.

97
00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,095
I've had that every day for five months.

98
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,766
No, and people are like,
"You're so strong. Look at you out there.

99
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,934
You're on the road."

100
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:18,354
I'm contractually obligated
to be out here, guys.

101
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,776
I'm not like, "I don't care.
The show must go on."

102
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,737
I'm like,
"I will be sued by Live Nation."

103
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,868
That's why I'm here.

104
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,626
But I feel pretty good tonight,
to be honest with you, so...

105
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,505
I didn't throw up today.

106
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:52,013
Uh... Yeah, but I didn't know that being
pregnant could be really hard. Like...

107
00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:56,601
I didn't know that
because you bitches all lie about it.

108
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,772
Women don't tell you how hard it is.

109
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:05,109
I should have Googled it.
I should have Googled being pregnant.

110
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,614
'Cause it's been really awful.
'Cause in movies, they don't show you.

111
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,533
There's just a montage where the girl's
in her office and she's typing,

112
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,618
and then she's like...

113
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,788
And she runs to the bathroom,
she throws up once!

114
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,210
And then in the next scene,
she's in overalls painting a barn.

115
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,212
Like, "Yay!"

116
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,091
<i>♪ I can't wait to meet you ♪</i>

117
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,175
You know?

118
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,556
I throw up an exorcist amount every day.

119
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,352
And I feel like,

120
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,646
you know, if you had a good pregnancy,

121
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,689
if you're someone
who enjoyed being pregnant,

122
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,609
I just hope your car flips over. That's...

123
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,446
That's what I wish for you.

124
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:56,202
Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks
into a lake, and you just kinda...

125
00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:58,996
...slowly...

126
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:00,830
drown.

127
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,752
Is that fair to say?
Because here's the thing.

128
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,629
You're pregnant, but you don't change.

129
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:12,510
I hate women who start to act really
just precious and like, "Yes, now I'm...

130
00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,470
I'm a saint, and I never...

131
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,848
I never had sex in a bathroom
on a train," you know?

132
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,520
We've all had sex
in the bathroom on a train.

133
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,357
You don't stop being you, you know.

134
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,152
You don't stop working or drinking.
Like, you...

135
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,239
You know?

136
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,078
I've gotten in the habit of asking, uh,

137
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:42,707
friends' recommendations and advice
about pregnancy

138
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,584
until I get the answer I want.

139
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,169
You know what I mean?

140
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,463
I asked my most responsible friend,
she's a nurse.

141
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,966
I was like, "So, wine...

142
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,384
what do you think?

143
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:56,929
Should I just have some,
or what do you think?

144
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,556
While I'm pregnant. Wine?

145
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,433
Definitely have some,
or what do you think?"

146
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:01,516
And...

147
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,605
And she was like,
"You know what? Just skip it.

148
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,024
Just be safe, you know?" And I was like,

149
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,818
"Yes, that's what I thought,

150
00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:15,615
but I wanted to hear you say it,
so now I'll tell other people

151
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:19,327
not to drink ever while they're pregnant.
Thank you." Huh!

152
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,245
Good.

153
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,331
That's done with. And then...

154
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:29,503
You know, and then I asked, like, a little
more lenient of a friend. I'm like...

155
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,508
"Hey, what are your thoughts
on drinking wine while you're pregnant?"

156
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,638
She's like, "A glass a week is fine.
Like, that's probably fine."

157
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,475
I'm like, "That's better.
That makes sense. That's good.

158
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,604
You're smart." And then...

159
00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:51,734
Then you ask your kind of biggest
dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know?

160
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,782
She's like, "Once you start getting, like,
fucked up, stop drinking." I'm like...

161
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,953
Mm-hmm!

162
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,084
No, I haven't even wanted...

163
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,544
wine.

164
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,173
That's how I know this baby is not mine.

165
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,011
This baby is a lie.

166
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,390
No, it's mine, and...

167
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,936
I'm pretty sure
the guy who got me pregnant

168
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,356
is my husband 'cause I got married, yay!

169
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,111
<i>♪ To the luckiest boy in the world ♪</i>

170
00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:41,450
I married a chef
because I'm a fucking genius.

171
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:47,957
Right?

172
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,458
Do you guys like food?

173
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,087
That's what he makes.

174
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,631
Yeah. I love it.

175
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:59,009
Marrying a chef, it's like a little
on-the-nose for me.

176
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,303
It's kind of like Snoop marrying weed.

177
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,188
I love him. It's real. Um...

178
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,607
The proposal was wack.

179
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:14,775
Uh...

180
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,237
He proposed to me in the morning.

181
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:22,658
That's, like, when people
in a nursing home get engaged. Like...

182
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:29,290
Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep.
I was sleeping,

183
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,042
and I sleep like I'm still in the womb.

184
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,211
Earplugs, eye mask...

185
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,047
my mom's legs around my shoulders. Like...

186
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:41,093
You know? Recreate.

187
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,887
Every morning, I'm born and...

188
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:46,807
So I'm...

189
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,560
in the womb, and he comes in,

190
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,897
and I just took one ear plug out.
I was like...

191
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:58,444
And he kind of threw the ring box at me,
and he goes, "I got you this."

192
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,239
And I open it, and...

193
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,324
And he goes,

194
00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:06,035
"Do you want me to get down on one knee?"
and I was like,

195
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:07,745
"I guess not."

196
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,832
And then I went back to sleep.

197
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,047
That's the truth. That's a real ass
proposal, though. That's like a real...

198
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,547
You know?

199
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,259
'Cause, like, in movies and TV shows,

200
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,887
the guy always gets down on one knee,
right?

201
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,889
And the girl's always shocked.

202
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,144
"I didn't even know you liked me!

203
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:36,106
I'm still on Bumble. Like, this is..."

204
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,990
Like, you didn't talk about...
That's a very big decision...

205
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:49,370
to not talk about. I don't know any girl
who got engaged that way.

206
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,765
I'm from New York.
All my girlfriends are from New York.

207
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,207
We get married late there.

208
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,962
When you get engaged at 40, it's like,
"Whoa, teen bride! Like, slow...

209
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,510
Slow it down. Get to know him."

210
00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:10,249
I think there are only two reasons

211
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:13,060
you should get down on one knee
if you're a guy.

212
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,020
If you're a player in the NFL...

213
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:25,322
and to eat my pussy. Those are the two...

214
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,034
Two reasons.

215
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,705
I mean, if the guy you're with

216
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:37,877
gets, like, synchronized swans
to dance to Bruno Mars, you know?

217
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,087
He's gay.

218
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,050
That's a gay guy.

219
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,807
And, look, we all have a friend
married to a gay guy. We do.

220
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,312
We do. You're probably here
with a couple right now.

221
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,275
And they're like,
"Talk about Meghan Markle more."

222
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,243
We've had that experience, right?

223
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,371
When you meet the couple
for the first time,

224
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,999
and then they leave,
and then a couple of your friends,

225
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,752
you're taking each other's temperature.
You're like...

226
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,546
"Jeff was nice, right?"

227
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:24,964
"Yeah.

228
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,301
Yeah. Jeff was cool, yeah."

229
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:32,306
"You said he's a costume designer.
He's a... Yeah."

230
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,938
And then finally someone's like,
"Is Jeff gay?"

231
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,023
You're like, "Jeff is gay! Yes!"

232
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,071
And we all laugh at our friend.

233
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:50,115
"Hee-hee, she's married to a gay guy."
But you know what?

234
00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:53,869
Someone with hyperemesis
who's five months pregnant,

235
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,331
you know who sounds like it would be fun
to be married to right now?

236
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,000
Fucking Jeff.

237
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,129
Get on one knee for Jeff.

238
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,968
I think... I don't want to jinx it.

239
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,428
I think I don't have to be
a bridesmaid anymore.

240
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,890
Yeah, I think I've done...
I'm not making no new friends.

241
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,227
Everybody got married. I was the last one.

242
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:22,606
'Cause when you get in your late 30s,
there's just no dignity to it, you know?

243
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:29,071
It's like me in a Grecian gown
with my aging cleavage and like...

244
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,366
a Coachella flower halo.

245
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,450
I'm just like...

246
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:42,876
Just hoping I'm not the bridesmaid
with the biggest arm, you know?

247
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:43,960
I'm like...

248
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,132
I hold my arm out.

249
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:54,096
'Cause people used to get married
in their early 20s.

250
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:55,899
You had a little
20-year-old bridesmaid arm.

251
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,643
You were holding your champagne like,
"It's heavy!"

252
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:08,193
Now it's just a sea of turkey legs,
just...

253
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,160
Looks like the defensive line
for the Bears are in the wedding.

254
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:29,214
I really respect you guys for coming out
because if you follow me on Instagram,

255
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,884
you're probably like,
"Is this bitch in the hospital?

256
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,762
Is she gonna be there?"

257
00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:39,348
Yeah.

258
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,558
I made it. I...

259
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,145
I've been hospitalized a couple of times

260
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:46,315
since I've been pregnant
with hyperemesis and...

261
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,108
The very first time

262
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,694
was about a month ago, and...

263
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,697
I was throwing up for about five hours

264
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:54,781
when I...

265
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:56,700
was taken to the hospital.

266
00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:01,121
The doctor came in, and he explained to me
and my sister and my husband,

267
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:03,207
who were are all in the room. He said,

268
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,349
"You're going to be here
for at least five hours getting liquids."

269
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:10,089
And without skipping a beat,
my husband said to my sister,

270
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:14,051
"Okay, cool, because I saw a place
where you can paint pottery nearby."

271
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,139
You guys are like, "Is he gay?"

272
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:28,148
So my sister didn't even, like, check in
with me if it was cool that they left me.

273
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:31,235
As soon as he said "pottery,"
they just left.

274
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,322
And I was like, "I'll be here."

275
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:42,579
And about an hour and a half later,
my sister rushed back in the room,

276
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,081
and she said, "Okay, listen.

277
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,084
Be nice to him about what he painted."

278
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:50,711
I'm like...

279
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:52,047
"Okay."

280
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,842
She's like, "I'm serious.
He worked really hard on it."

281
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:01,764
"Okay." She goes...

282
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,060
"And it's not very flattering."
I'm like, "What?"

283
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,649
But my husband's brain
is a little different.

284
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,235
'Cause you go to these places,

285
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:18,448
you usually paint a teddy bear
or a jewelry box, you know,

286
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,160
but my husband decided to...

287
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,078
to paint a plate...

288
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,123
which he would use as a canvas...

289
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,458
to paint me.

290
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,298
And I'm going to show you the picture.

291
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,927
I think it's important
for you guys to see the picture. Um...

292
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:43,265
And I want to show you this,
and I want you to know

293
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:46,935
that there were no qualifiers
before he showed me this picture.

294
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,314
He was sure it was pretty good.

295
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,358
This is the picture that he painted.

296
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:10,500
I was in the hospital, guys.

297
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:17,007
What is... I wanted to go,
"What's with my chin on my neck?"

298
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:20,052
I look like Trump. Like, I look...

299
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:28,977
I couldn't say any of this to him, okay?

300
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:33,106
Get rid of it. People are leaving.
This is upsetting.

301
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,608
This is an upsetting image.

302
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,902
I mean...

303
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,241
I had to comfort him.

304
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:47,204
My husband is a really great sport.

305
00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:50,832
You know? He really is.
I keep messing with him.

306
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,335
Like, you know,
I've had a tough pregnancy, so...

307
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,214
the other day, I was like, "Babe,
this is kind of too hard for me.

308
00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:58,674
I don't think I can do it."

309
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,722
And he's like, "What do you mean?"
And I was like...

310
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,600
"What do you think I mean? I think I...

311
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,936
I need to get an abortion."

312
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,233
And this was his response. He went...

313
00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,235
"Really?"

314
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,908
I was like, "No! What?"

315
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,912
I'm going to announce it on Instagram,

316
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:32,457
and then I'm going to be like,
"Actually, forget it. I don't like it.

317
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,586
I'm tired. I don't like it."

318
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,383
Thank God that was his response,
you know?

319
00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,970
What if he'd been like,
"Cool. I'll warm up the car."

320
00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:53,770
I knew from the beginning

321
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,690
that my husband's brain
was a little different than mine.

322
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,609
Um, and about...

323
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,697
I have to start this over
'cause I really want to get this right.

324
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,908
Because I love him very much.

325
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,617
And...

326
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:14,291
My husband was diagnosed with
what used to be called Asperger's.

327
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:16,335
He has autism spectrum disorder.

328
00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,045
He's on the spectrum.

329
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:19,628
And...

330
00:22:19,921 --> 00:22:22,466
there were some signs early on, like...

331
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:26,928
we went for a walk about a year ago,
and I fell.

332
00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:30,599
And kinda nine out of ten people would go,

333
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:32,976
"Oh, my God! Are you okay?"

334
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:37,397
Right?

335
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,858
Maybe more like ten out of ten people.

336
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,904
"Oh, my God! Are you okay?"

337
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:46,782
But instead, my husband went...

338
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:55,874
He kind of froze and became a lighthouse,
opening and closing his mouth, just...

339
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,548
And I remember lying on the ground
looking up at him,

340
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,467
and I wasn't mad. I just thought,

341
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,051
"Huh!"

342
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,893
A lot of "huh" moments, you know?

343
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,482
And once he was diagnosed,

344
00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:23,944
it dawned on me how funny it was
because all of the characteristics

345
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,779
that make it clear
that he's on the spectrum

346
00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:29,491
are all of the reasons
that I fell madly in love with him.

347
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:31,785
That's the truth.

348
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:41,211
He says whatever is on his mind.

349
00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:43,880
He keeps it so real, you know?

350
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:49,594
He doesn't care about social norms
or what you expect him to say or do.

351
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,304
You know, if I say to him, like,

352
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,223
"Does this look like shit?" He'll go,

353
00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:56,852
"Yeah. You have a lot of other clothes.
Why don't you wear those?" I'm like...

354
00:23:57,978 --> 00:23:59,229
"Okay."

355
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,656
But he can also make me feel
more beautiful

356
00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:11,783
than anyone ever has my whole life.

357
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,077
Yeah, it's true.

358
00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:20,250
And he can't lie.

359
00:24:21,751 --> 00:24:24,671
Is that the dream man,
a guy who can't lie?

360
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:29,885
But that also means
that he can't lie for me.

361
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:35,056
Which is an essential part
of any relationship.

362
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:39,102
We're friends with this couple,
and they broke up,

363
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,772
and the guy started dating a new girl
pretty soon after,

364
00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,525
and we happened to be at the party
where they got together,

365
00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:48,278
so I didn't rush to tell the ex-girlfriend
what happened.

366
00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:52,240
So a couple of months later,
we had dinner with her, and she was like,

367
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:55,785
"And, you know, at that party,
that's when they got together."

368
00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:57,913
And I was like...

369
00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,748
"No!

370
00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:03,418
It's not possible."

371
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,129
And Chris goes...

372
00:25:06,922 --> 00:25:08,548
"No, you remember."

373
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:16,222
"No.

374
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:18,475
No, I don't."

375
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:22,729
"Yeah, remember? 'Cause you said,
'Oh, my God, he's leaving with her.'"

376
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:31,655
"Thank you, Chris! Thank you.

377
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,074
I guess I forgot about that."

378
00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:44,626
Also, one of the the signs of autism
is you don't make sort of the...

379
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:47,379
appropriate facial expression
for the occasion you're at.

380
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,299
So we were gonna go on a red carpet
together for the first time,

381
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,928
and we were practicing his smiles,
you know,

382
00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:57,889
and we didn't land on one
that we were in love with.

383
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,937
So we were out of time, so I said,
"Just...

384
00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,898
This is what I do. Just think
about something you love, you know?"

385
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,692
And he loves the ocean, so...

386
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,196
So we went out there and it worked,
but it worked too well.

387
00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:18,326
'Cause in all the pictures, I'm doing
my normal bullshit, and he was like...

388
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:31,631
I noticed. I was like, "A pond.
Just like you're glancing at a pond.

389
00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:32,757
Pull it back."

390
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,639
It's exciting being pregnant.
It's not all bad.

391
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:41,975
The best part about it

392
00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:44,185
is not getting your period.

393
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:50,734
Yeah. That's the silver uterine lining,
if you want to look for one.

394
00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:55,864
That's nice because, you know,
what I realized,

395
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:57,782
right before I got pregnant, I noticed...

396
00:26:58,450 --> 00:26:59,743
how ashamed...

397
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,871
we've all been made to feel
about getting our period...

398
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,290
our whole lives.
Like we choose it, you know?

399
00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:08,460
Like, "Can't kick my bleeding habit,
you know?

400
00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:13,006
I just want it. I want to do it."

401
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:19,846
It's supposed to be, you know, a secret.
The second you get it, your mom goes,

402
00:27:19,929 --> 00:27:21,181
"You're a woman now.

403
00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:24,267
And that's disgusting.

404
00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:29,606
Never let anyone know
of your filthy secret."

405
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:35,195
And you're like, "Okay. I'm 12.
I'm ready to handle this."

406
00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:39,908
This is my <i>Rainbow Brite</i> lunch box.

407
00:27:39,991 --> 00:27:43,119
<i>♪ Rainbow Brite
Stars are shining bright ♪</i>

408
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,091
And it is.
That's the most embarrassing thing

409
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:49,918
that could possibly happen
to you as a kid,

410
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:53,004
that someone knows you have your period,
or they see you have your period.

411
00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:54,547
At that age, for men,

412
00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:57,550
the most embarrassing thing
is unwanted erections, right?

413
00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:01,429
But then they grow up
and show them to everyone.

414
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,270
Maybe that's what we should do.

415
00:28:14,317 --> 00:28:15,318
I don't know.

416
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:19,531
Call a coworker into your office.

417
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:20,614
"Carl...

418
00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:24,619
Psst.

419
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,872
Come in here. Close the door."

420
00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:44,013
"Carl, you're getting very sleepy."

421
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,443
All this talk about dick pics,
how about a tamp pic?

422
00:28:58,945 --> 00:28:59,946
You up?

423
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:10,957
If you're still in a position
where you're getting dick pics, ladies,

424
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,001
I have a suggestion for you.

425
00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:14,502
When you get a dick pic...

426
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,380
send back...

427
00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,008
a dick pic.

428
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:30,851
You go, "Oh, I'm sorry.

429
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:33,521
I thought we were exchanging
our favorite dick pics.

430
00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,488
Dick for dick, pic for pic, no?
I thought..."

431
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:52,248
Why are we made to feel so ashamed
of a natural bodily function

432
00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,335
that ultimately brings life, you know?
It's like...

433
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:58,755
If you forget a tampon,
you have to bum one from somebody.

434
00:29:58,838 --> 00:30:01,883
What we all do is,
first, you look around...

435
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,587
like you're going to say something racist,
just like...

436
00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:14,062
And whatever race you thought I meant,
that's <i>your </i>problem. And...

437
00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:19,317
Then you kind of lean in,
and we don't even say the whole sentence.

438
00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:20,944
We kind of go...

439
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:22,695
"Does anybody have a..."

440
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:24,656
"Tampon?"

441
00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:29,202
What is this? What's the claw?

442
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:32,121
That's how disgusted we are
with ourselves.

443
00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:34,207
"Does anyone have a tampon?"

444
00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:38,294
And I notice myself do it.

445
00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:40,672
I was in a gym locker room.

446
00:30:40,755 --> 00:30:42,715
Thank you. And...

447
00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:48,596
And there were a bunch of women
in there, and I...

448
00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:53,476
And this woman across the locker room
with so much confidence was like,

449
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,144
"Oh, yeah, I do. What size?"

450
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:01,234
And, like,

451
00:31:01,317 --> 00:31:03,903
obviously, I know there are
different sizes of tampons,

452
00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,655
but I've never been confronted...

453
00:31:08,324 --> 00:31:10,159
...with that question before, you know?

454
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,957
She's like, "Yeah, what's
the circumference of your pussy hole?

455
00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:27,927
Grande or venti?
What are we plugging, bitch?

456
00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:32,015
I've got Pilates. What is it?"

457
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,283
Then all the other women
in the locker room

458
00:31:38,313 --> 00:31:40,315
kinda lean in to hear...

459
00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,234
...my answer, you know?

460
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:45,737
I'm just like...

461
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,281
"I don't know. Do you have, like, a...

462
00:31:48,781 --> 00:31:51,409
super Grand Canyon? I don't know.

463
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,663
Just throw me a futon mattress.

464
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,874
I'll just kind of squat over it."

465
00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:08,968
My vagina is going to get bigger, I heard.

466
00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:10,345
Whoo!

467
00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:14,098
Can't wait. Take up more space. Lean in!

468
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,188
It's already grown.
It just grows over the years.

469
00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:23,483
I know because, I mean, when I was
younger, I could put a Tic Tac in there

470
00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:25,944
and then just walk around all day.

471
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,155
At night, I swear it would
still be in the same place, just... Whoop!

472
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:33,618
Now...

473
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,205
if I have a yeast infection, which I do...

474
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,670
and I try to put
one of those Monistat suppositories in,

475
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:46,506
it just falls right on the floor.

476
00:32:51,844 --> 00:32:54,263
Whoop! Be careful. They're very slippery.

477
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,478
I do.

478
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:02,897
I have a yeast infection.

479
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:08,277
I'm gonna address it 'cause I have to do
the pinch. You guys know the pinch.

480
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,781
Ladies, just a quick, little pinch.

481
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:19,122
But I'm really excited about this.
We don't even need tampons anymore.

482
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:20,623
There's a new invention.

483
00:33:20,707 --> 00:33:22,935
- You guys know what I'm talking about?
- DivaCup!

484
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,585
No, not the DivaCup.

485
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:27,714
That is terrifying. Um...

486
00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:29,316
The DivaCup... Do you know what it is?

487
00:33:29,340 --> 00:33:32,343
It's like this little cup you store
in the back of your vagina,

488
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:33,928
and it collects...

489
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,241
and at the end of the day,
you pull it out and you kinda<i> Kill Bill.</i>

490
00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,017
Just kind of...

491
00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,942
No!

492
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:51,696
It's a lot.

493
00:33:52,822 --> 00:33:53,906
It's too much for me.

494
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,452
I respect you
if you can handle the DivaCup.

495
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:04,042
Such a confident name. "I'm a Diva."

496
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:07,919
No.

497
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:10,298
It's more exciting than the DivaCup.

498
00:34:10,381 --> 00:34:13,384
It's a new invention called THINX.

499
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:16,012
Yes. Yeah, you don't need a tampon.

500
00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:19,557
They're just these underwear
that you just bleed into.

501
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:22,727
Which I guess...

502
00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:26,147
makes me a fucking inventor.

503
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:33,780
Ah! Who knew?

504
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:36,449
Should I go on <i>Shark Tank?</i>

505
00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:40,995
"Sharks..."

506
00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:53,591
Did anyone have a mom like me
who didn't really trust tampons

507
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:57,386
and made them only wear a pad? Right?

508
00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:01,516
And millennials,
if you don't know what a pad is,

509
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,143
congratulations, and...

510
00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:09,148
A pad is kind of a foot-long diaper
that you...

511
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,277
...coil betwixt your legs, and...

512
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,782
just kinda waddle around all day
wearing it, just...

513
00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:20,158
Crunch!

514
00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:22,370
Crunch!

515
00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:25,331
Kinda always sounds like
there's a killer right behind you.

516
00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:38,052
They were great. Yeah.

517
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,305
Little adhesive wings.

518
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,853
They'd always stick right to your pubes.
It was a treat.

519
00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:49,981
It was a real treat. Sorry you missed it.

520
00:35:53,234 --> 00:35:54,694
I'm sorry. Millennials...

521
00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:57,238
pubes...

522
00:36:08,749 --> 00:36:10,960
Anybody remember pubes?

523
00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:16,507
I miss my mom's bush.

524
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,926
Did you guys see your mom's bush
growing up?

525
00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:21,804
It's kind of comforting, right?

526
00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,517
The first time you see it,
I'll never forget.

527
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:32,773
I remember I walked in the bathroom
to say goodnight. I was like, "Mom!

528
00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:47,830
Oh. Hi, Mom. Good night."

529
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:55,504
I remember Mom's bush.

530
00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:00,885
I also had one of those moms...

531
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:03,221
who told me,

532
00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:06,807
"You only have to shave up to your knee."

533
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:10,353
Right? "Just shave up to your knee."

534
00:37:11,979 --> 00:37:14,190
I'd say, "Mom, I'm pretty hairy up..."

535
00:37:14,273 --> 00:37:15,274
"No!

536
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,067
The knee."

537
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:18,485
"Okay."

538
00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:23,783
I'd be at the community pool.
People are like...

539
00:37:28,287 --> 00:37:30,665
"Why is Amy wearing wool shorts?"

540
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:45,221
But I have to give it up for my mom.
She made me so confident.

541
00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,807
She just straight lied to me as a kid.

542
00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:51,310
It's tough to say "confident"...

543
00:37:52,019 --> 00:37:53,521
as a woman, you know?

544
00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:56,816
You put on TV.
We see all these gorgeous women.

545
00:37:57,316 --> 00:38:00,861
We have to compete with what's her face,
the Mother of Dragons.

546
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:01,779
What's her name?

547
00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:04,365
- Khaleesi!
- Kris Jenner. It's just...

548
00:38:08,577 --> 00:38:09,870
It's tough.

549
00:38:10,621 --> 00:38:11,956
It's tough out there.

550
00:38:15,042 --> 00:38:16,961
No, I love the Kardashians.

551
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:21,257
The Kardashians are so confident,
they confuse me about my own confidence.

552
00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:24,719
So before I was pregnant, I was
kind of like feeling myself one day,

553
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,304
and I bought lingerie.

554
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:27,221
Like...

555
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,514
the real shit.

556
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:29,890
Like...

557
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,393
the, you know, fishnets, and then...

558
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,478
like the pulley system here.

559
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:35,937
You know?

560
00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:38,364
Thought they would've updated
that technology,

561
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:41,819
but it's still a pulley system,
and then, you know, the boost...

562
00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:43,404
Whatever it's called. And...

563
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:45,740
You know, I went. I paid for it.

564
00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:50,411
I tried it on at home, you know,
where I could take my own life, and...

565
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,999
In the safety of home, and...

566
00:38:57,668 --> 00:39:00,588
I tried it on, and I was kind of ready
to blow my own mind.

567
00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:06,635
I kind of sidled up to the mirror,
and I check myself out, and I was like,

568
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:08,179
"Oh.

569
00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:12,099
This isn't for everybody.

570
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:16,604
Hmm.

571
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:18,773
Okay."

572
00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:22,836
I looked like I should have been
on <i>Law & Order,</i> like,

573
00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:24,403
"He went that way."

574
00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:37,291
My fishnets looked like
they'd caught an actual fish. It was...

575
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:42,880
It was pretty confusing.

576
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,052
It's tough to say "confident" as a girl.

577
00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,180
I don't know what I'm having.

578
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:52,515
I hope it's a girl.

579
00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,225
Um...

580
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:58,687
But really just because
it's such a scary time for men.

581
00:40:08,697 --> 00:40:12,993
Such a scary time. Men, thank you so much
for leaving your houses tonight.

582
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:14,120
I just...

583
00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:16,496
God.

584
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:18,457
First responders, just...

585
00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:20,501
so brave.

586
00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:26,549
I don't know if men know how scared we are
as women all the time.

587
00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:32,638
Like, one in three of us will be assaulted
at some point in our lives.

588
00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:34,890
If you're a woman of color,
it's even more than that.

589
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,393
If you're a trans woman, forget it.

590
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,979
At night in New York,

591
00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:43,524
if I take the subway at night,
I will run home.

592
00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,526
Women, we run home.

593
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,486
Not for the cardio.

594
00:40:48,612 --> 00:40:51,157
It's true. When you walk to your car
in a dark parking lot,

595
00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:52,116
what do you ladies do?

596
00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:55,995
We do the little makeshift brass knuckle
with our key, right?

597
00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,832
I don't know what our plan is
with that key in our knuckle.

598
00:41:00,833 --> 00:41:01,917
"Oh, no, you don't!

599
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,544
Ahh!

600
00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:09,091
Not on my watch. Boop-boop!" I mean...

601
00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:18,225
There was a study done, and it said
that women mostly fear violence.

602
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,685
That's our number one fear.

603
00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:24,273
And the same study
showed that men's number one fear...

604
00:41:25,357 --> 00:41:26,567
was ridicule.

605
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:30,863
Oh... Yeah, God!

606
00:41:33,115 --> 00:41:36,118
I'm so sorry. I didn't know
you guys were going through that.

607
00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:40,206
It must be so hard for you.

608
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,292
Do you guys run home?

609
00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:48,088
Because you're afraid of somebody
telling a little jokey about you?

610
00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:03,604
I think that we need to start
from scratch, you know?

611
00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:07,858
I'm so grateful to this new generation
of women that came along and they're like,

612
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:11,278
"Hey, have you been getting sexually
harassed like this your whole lives?"

613
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,362
And we're like,

614
00:42:12,947 --> 00:42:13,948
"Oh, yeah!"

615
00:42:16,825 --> 00:42:20,496
And they're like, "Yeah. You wanna
do something about that?" And we're like,

616
00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:22,623
"Oh, yeah.

617
00:42:23,916 --> 00:42:26,043
That's a very good idea."

618
00:42:26,752 --> 00:42:29,672
They're like, "Yeah."
And we're like, "Oh."

619
00:42:29,755 --> 00:42:31,840
We're so used to it, you know?

620
00:42:32,633 --> 00:42:34,426
You're at work, and you're like,

621
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:37,596
"I have to make every guy think
that we also might fuck

622
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,223
and do a good job."

623
00:42:42,476 --> 00:42:44,270
It's not fair.
It's not fair to men either.

624
00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:48,607
You guys are raised with so much pressure
to be so masculine at such a young age.

625
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:50,192
It's bullshit.

626
00:42:50,276 --> 00:42:52,611
It sucks.
It's like a six-year-old kid crying.

627
00:42:53,195 --> 00:42:54,905
"Stop crying, you little pussy."

628
00:42:57,741 --> 00:43:00,536
We toughen them up at a young age
so they don't get made fun of,

629
00:43:00,619 --> 00:43:04,039
and then, as little girls,
you're in school with these boys,

630
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:07,585
and when a little boy is mean to you
or he teases you, what does everybody say?

631
00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:10,004
- He likes you.
- "He likes you."

632
00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:11,630
Ooh!

633
00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:15,009
You're like, "He knocked my books
out of my hands."

634
00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:17,011
"Whoo!

635
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:21,140
Looks like somebody
has a little boyfriend at school.

636
00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:23,434
That's a good thing."

637
00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:25,519
And you're like, "Oh.

638
00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:27,229
That's a good thing!

639
00:43:27,730 --> 00:43:28,897
Okay!

640
00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:31,317
I'm the luckiest girl in school."

641
00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:34,445
"He pushed me down the stairs."

642
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:35,904
"You're going to prom!"

643
00:43:35,988 --> 00:43:37,031
"Prom!"

644
00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:42,036
Right? Then we grow up
and we all have friends who were like,

645
00:43:42,119 --> 00:43:43,912
"Why do I only date assholes?"

646
00:43:44,538 --> 00:43:47,666
'Cause you've been trained to do that
since you were a toddler.

647
00:43:48,334 --> 00:43:51,334
You know, we have friends who are like,
"You should see us when we're alone.

648
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:54,757
He's still really mean to me,
but it's not as embarrassing."

649
00:43:57,426 --> 00:44:00,054
It doesn't occur to us
to be with someone who's kind

650
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:02,389
until we're, like, almost dead, you know?

651
00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:09,563
I mean, who cares? We're about to lose
our rights, anyway. Right, ladies?

652
00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:13,984
Take 'em. I'm sick of it.
Give me my bonnet. Give me my cape.

653
00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:19,198
I'm ready.
Done washing my hair all the time.

654
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,994
I mean, look at us making decisions
about our own bodies.

655
00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:25,913
Who do we think we are? Men?

656
00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:27,998
Come on!

657
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,125
Decisions are hard.

658
00:44:32,336 --> 00:44:33,921
Rights feel heavy.

659
00:44:36,924 --> 00:44:41,136
I want people who know better than anyone
making the decisions about my body.

660
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:44,139
I want to call up Mitch McConnell
and be like, "Girl!

661
00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:49,395
My discharge is brown, baby girl.
What should I do?

662
00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:52,439
Mitch!

663
00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:57,444
Chuck Grassley, I've got cramps.
Am I ovulating, queen?

664
00:45:00,155 --> 00:45:02,616
Lindsey mammo-Graham, feel this.
What you think?

665
00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:04,410
You guys know."

666
00:45:07,454 --> 00:45:10,165
Maybe some of you heard
I got arrested in October.

667
00:45:10,791 --> 00:45:13,210
Thank you.

668
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,629
Thank you.

669
00:45:16,004 --> 00:45:18,048
God's work. Um...

670
00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:23,470
I went down to DC to get arrested.

671
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:26,432
The different news outlets wrote about it.

672
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:28,058
Like, "Schumer's been detained,"

673
00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:31,353
like I was just on a walking tour
of the Washington Monument.

674
00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:37,985
But I went down there to oppose
Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation.

675
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:43,115
Thank you, sisters.

676
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:46,285
Men, you can clap too.

677
00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:52,416
Spoiler alert. It didn't go our way.

678
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:58,756
The whole way down, I was really nervous
about getting arrested.

679
00:45:59,256 --> 00:46:01,425
I've been arrested before,
obviously, but...

680
00:46:03,969 --> 00:46:08,015
But I was obsessed
with the fear of being hungry.

681
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,186
You know, while I was locked up. So...

682
00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:15,105
It probably would have been like that
before I was pregnant,

683
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,691
but that just doubled it,
so the whole way down...

684
00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:20,903
And, you know, we get down there, and...

685
00:46:21,278 --> 00:46:23,906
it was really intense
and really emotional, and...

686
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:26,536
We were gonna get arrested
on the Capitol steps,

687
00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:29,578
but they barricaded those,
so we all rush into the Hart Building,

688
00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:31,205
where the senators' offices are,

689
00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:32,664
and we all flood in this hallway,

690
00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:36,710
and, you know, the banners are flying
and the Capitol police are closing in,

691
00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:39,963
and we know we're about to be arrested,
and everyone's chanting,

692
00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:41,215
"No justice, no peace,"

693
00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:44,927
and, "We believe survivors.
We believe survivors."

694
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,847
And I know we're about to be arrested,
so I am...

695
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:51,558
ramming snacks in my mouth. I am...

696
00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,773
Everyone's, "We Believe,"
and I'm...

697
00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:01,401
And the Capitol police are looking at me
like, "What the fuck?" I'm like...

698
00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:05,614
Just Cookie Monster,
crumbling shit on my face.

699
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:10,536
I got arrested with my friend,
Emily Ratajkowski, who's a supermodel,

700
00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:15,123
like gorgeous, you know. And she's
in this hot outfit, and she's like,

701
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:16,667
"We believe survivors,"

702
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:20,462
and I'm in a Department of Sanitation
shirt, and I'm like...

703
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,381
"Ahh!"

704
00:47:26,051 --> 00:47:27,553
And some people criticized me.

705
00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:30,305
They were like,
"That was irresponsible. You're pregnant."

706
00:47:30,389 --> 00:47:32,349
And I was like,
"That's why I went down there."

707
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:35,727
I want to be able to tell this kid
I did everything I could.

708
00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:37,938
You know?

709
00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:43,235
And D.C., I heard,
has the best cocaine, so...

710
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:48,574
My friend said it's fine. Uh...

711
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:52,744
A baby.

712
00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:54,121
Guys,

713
00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,373
what the fuck am I doing?

714
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:00,794
We have no idea what we're doing.

715
00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:05,549
We have some books at home,
and every week, there's a terrifying video

716
00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:08,135
saying what's going on
in the baby's development.

717
00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:09,636
"This week,

718
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:13,974
your baby is growing fur
and eating you from the inside."

719
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:21,315
I'm glad I found a good partner, you know?
Like, he's solid as hell.

720
00:48:21,398 --> 00:48:25,027
Yeah. I just... I didn't have the energy
for dating anymore, like...

721
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,487
Remember when you hook up with someone
the first time?

722
00:48:27,571 --> 00:48:30,824
Do you remember
you used to undress each other?

723
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:34,995
Know what I'm talking about?
They do that in movies. So you're like...

724
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:43,086
It's always hard. In movies...

725
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:47,049
But you're like, okay, a braided belt,
and there is the silver thing.

726
00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:50,510
And then, oh, a button fly.

727
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:52,471
I'll just kind of yank it.

728
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:56,975
And your sock. Am I in fucking retail?
Take your own shit off.

729
00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,019
My back hurts.

730
00:49:05,108 --> 00:49:07,694
I was in bed with my husband
the other night.

731
00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:12,074
I was holding our dog,
and my husband just took off my underwear.

732
00:49:12,824 --> 00:49:14,534
And I looked over at him and I was like,

733
00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:17,579
"Oh, no."

734
00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:22,542
That's crazy, you know.

735
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:25,587
He was kind of like,

736
00:49:25,671 --> 00:49:28,340
"Okay." Like he didn't give a shit
too much, you know.

737
00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,635
And we're lying there, and I'm like...

738
00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:34,429
"Can you put my underwear back on?"

739
00:49:37,516 --> 00:49:41,728
Such sad foreshadowing watching him,
like, dress my lifeless body.

740
00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:51,530
We were at the gynecologist
a couple months ago,

741
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:56,284
and I asked, "Is it safe to have sex
while pregnant?" And she was like,

742
00:49:56,785 --> 00:50:00,622
"Yes, it is safe to have sex
through the whole pregnancy."

743
00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:01,706
And I was like,

744
00:50:02,249 --> 00:50:04,459
"We'll be seeking a second opinion."

745
00:50:09,631 --> 00:50:10,966
That's fucking...

746
00:50:14,052 --> 00:50:16,096
I was trying to signal her, you know.

747
00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:18,181
"Hey.

748
00:50:18,598 --> 00:50:20,100
Do you think it's <i>safe...</i>

749
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,773
for us to have sex?

750
00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,697
Do you think it would probably kill
the baby and we shouldn't do it?"

751
00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:41,079
She's like,
"No, it's safe the whole time."

752
00:50:41,163 --> 00:50:43,331
I was like, "Okay. Okay."

753
00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:49,588
Do you want me to come to your house
to tell your husband he can fuck you?

754
00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,553
'Cause people tell you.
You're like, wow, that was fast.

755
00:50:56,636 --> 00:50:58,430
"Last time we saw you,
you were single, Amy,

756
00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:00,891
and you already
don't want to fuck your husband?"

757
00:51:02,434 --> 00:51:05,187
I usually do, but I have hyperemesis.

758
00:51:06,021 --> 00:51:08,523
And you know everyone says,
"When you get married,

759
00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:10,692
get ready to stop having sex."

760
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:12,652
And we were like, "Not us.

761
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,697
We're fucking for life," you know.

762
00:51:19,117 --> 00:51:22,370
Now he, like, touches my shoulder
on the couch, and I'm like,

763
00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,872
"Can I help you?

764
00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:33,256
I'm over here. You're over there."

765
00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:42,599
The spontaneity is over.

766
00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:44,142
Thank God.

767
00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:46,228
You know,
when you're first falling in love,

768
00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:48,772
like you might always have sex.

769
00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:49,773
Every time you pee,

770
00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:52,502
you've gotta make sure you clean
the toilet paper out of your pussy.

771
00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:53,568
Every time you pee.

772
00:51:55,862 --> 00:51:56,862
Every time.

773
00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:07,916
That is over. I have, like,
half a roll of Charmin in there right now.

774
00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:10,836
Yeah.

775
00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:17,717
I'm psyched to be done. I am.

776
00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,845
Especially dating someone new, you know.

777
00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:23,390
And I'm glad I married someone,
he's my age. We're the same age, so...

778
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:26,893
You know, we both grew up
without Internet porn.

779
00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:29,271
That's a huge deal, right?

780
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:30,814
Like, you know,

781
00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,733
now I feel like you can't
fuck a millennial without them being like,

782
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:36,903
"Can you dress like an emoji?"
You're like, "No!"

783
00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:39,030
What the fuck?

784
00:52:43,076 --> 00:52:43,952
No.

785
00:52:44,035 --> 00:52:46,788
And there's so many
different types of porn. It's crazy.

786
00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:50,834
One of the biggest searches is "gag porn."

787
00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:52,836
Have you heard of that?

788
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:55,505
That's where the girl gags
on the guy's penis

789
00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:57,132
because it's too darn big.

790
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:00,927
I personally never had the plesh.

791
00:53:06,474 --> 00:53:09,561
I just wanted to remind you that I've
never struggled with it, even though...

792
00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:11,396
You remember the size of my mouth, right?

793
00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:13,023
Do you remember how big my mouth is?

794
00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:20,780
Just like a tiny bow. You could put...

795
00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:24,868
Okay, yeah. You remember.

796
00:53:27,245 --> 00:53:29,080
Gag porn. Like that one...

797
00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:30,874
That one is strange to me.

798
00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:33,668
Like you're clicking
on all these different windows.

799
00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:35,879
Nothing, nothing.
And then a girl's like...

800
00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:39,257
And you're like,
"Mmm, wait a minute.

801
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:43,261
What have we here?"

802
00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:50,185
Maximize screen. "Okay. Okay."

803
00:53:52,312 --> 00:53:53,312
If you're into gag porn,

804
00:53:53,355 --> 00:53:55,666
you should've been living at my house
the last five months.

805
00:53:55,690 --> 00:53:56,983
You'd be hard as a rock.

806
00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:03,907
Something else I won't miss,
and this is my PSA...

807
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:05,450
to men.

808
00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:10,664
A lot of men don't really understand
how to put themselves inside you.

809
00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:13,750
Not really. Even missionary.

810
00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:16,158
They're... You know, they're...

811
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,255
It's the wrong hole, or not a hole.

812
00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:20,966
You're like,
"You have to use an existing hole, sir."

813
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:27,639
You're not going to confuse my body
into making a new hole.

814
00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:32,018
But most guys can figure it out,

815
00:54:32,102 --> 00:54:35,855
but you really realize that
they don't understand where our hole goes

816
00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:38,191
when they're behind you, right?

817
00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:40,652
'Cause during some sex,

818
00:54:41,319 --> 00:54:46,074
it's always I don't know whose suggestion
to not look at your face anymore.

819
00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,620
"How about you turn around?" "Oh, okay."

820
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,041
You look back over the shoulder,
they're like,

821
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,543
"Nope!" You're like, "Okay.

822
00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,421
I'll be here."

823
00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:08,430
That's when you know because
there's a whole population of men

824
00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:12,559
who, once they get back there behind you,
they'll kneel back there

825
00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:14,144
and just wait.

826
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,647
Dick in the wind.

827
00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,694
And you're up here, like...

828
00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:29,075
"Uh... We're rolling."

829
00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:39,252
And you realize
that he's waiting for you...

830
00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:43,214
who's on all fours...

831
00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:46,885
...to reach back...

832
00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:50,555
and put him inside you.

833
00:55:51,222 --> 00:55:54,100
You're like, "Oh, you want me to...?

834
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:55,769
Oh, Okay. Uh...

835
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:57,771
Yeah.

836
00:55:57,854 --> 00:56:00,315
I'll just use my head as,
like, a kickstand, just...

837
00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:11,701
Yeah. No, it makes sense.
I have the better angle here.

838
00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:18,500
You want to back the garage
up to the car, is what...?"

839
00:56:22,796 --> 00:56:23,796
Okay.

840
00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:29,928
Nope, it's fine. You've had a long day
making more money than me. Here I come."

841
00:56:44,442 --> 00:56:45,485
Luckily,

842
00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:48,279
my husband does not have that problem.

843
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:51,741
Because...

844
00:56:52,242 --> 00:56:53,701
of that joke.

845
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,505
I know I talk so much shit about, uh,

846
00:57:05,839 --> 00:57:09,676
my pregnancy, and it has not been easy,
but we're so fucking excited,

847
00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:13,263
and I do feel really lucky
that I was able to get pregnant.

848
00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:15,556
Yeah.

849
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:21,729
So I...

850
00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:26,985
was single, you know,
most of my life, and felt pretty happy.

851
00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:31,739
I love my family and friends, and I feel
really satisfied with work, and...

852
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,950
kind of had accepted that, you know?

853
00:57:34,033 --> 00:57:36,578
And then I just happened...

854
00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:41,166
to meet this guy,
and if you're out there and you're dating

855
00:57:41,249 --> 00:57:42,250
and you're just thinking,

856
00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:45,879
"Why can't I meet the right one?" It's not
that you haven't met the right one yet.

857
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:47,422
I wish someone had told me this.

858
00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:50,383
It's not that you haven't met
the right one yet. It's just...

859
00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:51,676
that you have to wait...

860
00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:54,095
for them to get tired.

861
00:57:58,224 --> 00:57:59,851
No one told me, right?

862
00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:03,188
Because men in their 20s and their 30s
are just running around.

863
00:58:12,572 --> 00:58:15,658
And then their late 30s,
they're like, "Oh, God!

864
00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,702
Phew. Oh, God!"

865
00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,498
And that's when you come along
and you go...

866
00:58:22,540 --> 00:58:23,541
"Come on."

867
00:58:32,717 --> 00:58:35,929
And they're like, "Where are we going?"
And you're like...

868
00:58:37,055 --> 00:58:40,225
"We're going to sit on the couch
and watch Bravo till we die."

869
00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,818
Thank you so much, Chicago.

870
00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:53,071
I love you.

871
00:59:19,681 --> 00:59:22,058
I realized how ashamed I was of my period.

872
00:59:23,393 --> 00:59:25,103
Excuse me. The baby.

873
00:59:27,647 --> 00:59:30,483
Right now, every fart's a gamble.

874
00:59:32,902 --> 00:59:33,903
Fart roulette.

875
00:59:37,865 --> 00:59:40,034
My money's on brown. Um...

876
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,955
So they're flashing a light that says
that I need to get some makeup

877
00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:46,457
because I'm sweating like a monster.
All right.

878
00:59:46,541 --> 00:59:50,336
You guys can only see
that I'm sweating here,

879
00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:53,089
but if there was a camera in my asshole...

880
00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,885
This is all my hair I bought.

881
01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:02,590
There are these two people
right in the front row here.

882
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:06,352
I'm not going to look at them,
but these two people. And like...

883
01:00:07,145 --> 01:00:09,897
They're, like, truly horrified
by everything I'm saying.

884
01:00:13,359 --> 01:00:16,321
I'm like, "Did you guys think
you were seeing <i>Godspell?" </i>Okay.

885
01:00:18,781 --> 01:00:21,326
I promise it's not going to get
any better, you guys.